"Me and you, we got more yesterday than anybody. We need some kind of tomorrow."
-Toni Morrison
One of the things that Danni loved about the house was it's effortlessly off-kilter feel like something out of a storybook. She kept expecting to find a secret staircase or come out of a room that only existed every Tuesday. The ghosts of Lorelei and John had moved on, but they left a sense of safety and responsibility behind. Danni knew it was her turn to care for the house even if it was just for a little while. It was theirs for as long as they needed it. She saw other rooms and porches and homesteads in her dreams. They may move on, but for now, this was home.
She sat in front of the fire as the water for morning coffee boiled. The rolling bubbles broke the quiet of the predawn. The twins were still asleep, and she had this time to herself. Rather than dwell on Daryl leaving in a couple of hours Danni's thoughts wandered to the ordinary. They may run out of coffee soon. She mused about weaning herself. She'd done it while she was pregnant.
"Daryl isn't gonna find my mom." Sophia sat beside Danni on the hearth.
"I don't know about that bug. I'm gonna place my bets on him; he's the best tracker we know, right?"
"Yeah. I guess." She paused and took a deep breath. "I'm not a little kid anymore. I know how things are. Even if she's alive, I might never see her again."
Danni couldn't disrespect the earnestness in Sophia's voice with coddling. "You're right. And that sucks. It's sad."
"Yeah, it is. Sad."
"But you have us, you know that."
"Sometimes when I'm with Sirius, I mean Kieran, I think that it must be what it is like to have a real dad."
Danni swallowed the lump in her throat. "You ever tell him that?"
"No. I can't. He's not my dad. He's your dad."
"He didn't really get to be my dad when I was growing up, at like your age and stuff."
"I know. I think it makes him feel bad."
"You know what makes him happy?"
"What?"
"Getting to do things with you that he didn't do with me. Getting to be the good dad he was supposed to be."
"Really?"
"I can see it when he's with you. Now you don't have to say anything to him, but between you and me, I think he'd like to hear that."
She nodded. " I still miss my mom though."
"I know, and that's okay. Whatever you feel is okay."
"But you and Daryl and Sirius, even Merle help me not be so sad. "
"Well, you help me to not be so sad about Daryl going today. "
"Danni, Daryl's not going. That's what I'm trying to tell you."
"He's going."
Sophia shrugged and pulled at the hem of her t-shirt. "It's not what I saw."
"Saw?"
"In my dream. Like the ones at the prison and the farm, remember? You said they were like yours."
"Was it bad? Scary?"
" A little scary. I saw my mom, but Daryl wasn't with her. She was with Beth, and I saw fire all around them. Walkers were on fire I think. It was hard to see, but my mom and Beth were shooting and following the fire. They were messy, they covered themselves with Walker clothes. They didn't talk, but I know they were looking for Rick. There was trouble; the group was in trouble. It faded then, but it was okay."
"Yeah?"
"It's like a movie scene switched and then I saw my mom running to Rick and hugging him in the woods. Maggie and Beth were hugging too and crying, but good crying you know? Tyreese was there, Glenn, everybody I think."
Danni nodded and held Sophia's hand. "But then it ended. I didn't see Daryl at all, and I didn't see me with my mom. I don't think I'm going to see her...I wanted to see me with her; I tried to but-"
"Yet. You didn't see her yet. Daryl's gonna look for them."
Sophia smiled and shook her head. "Maybe."
"What?"
"I have this feeling, everything's gonna be just fine. It's going to be the way its supposed to be. That's what the dreams make me feel."
Danni knew what she meant. The dreams had always made her feel that way too. Behind the little girl's head, Danni gazed out the window and noticed the first yarrow flowers struggled to sprout.
... ... ... ... ... ... .. .. .. .
"Nice couple, aren't they?" the old woman murmured. She clasped her hands together with a delicate clinking of silver rings.
The younger woman managed a smile and crossed her arms over her chest. "They sure are."
Brigid turned away from the picture of Daryl and Danni in the midst of their farewell embrace. She gazed at Charlotte with green eyes that retained their sparkle. Her white hair shimmered in the breeze. She said, "We're after making him listen to us."
Daryl's mother nodded. "He will."
"Its only keeping the balance of things, letting fate play out like."
Merle and Daryl had only trudged a few paces past the fence toward the woods when the former stopped. "You hang on here a minute. I forgot something."
Before Daryl could protest that they were already losing the morning, Merle headed back to the house.
"Stalling." He muttered and watched his brother for a moment before he turned and kicked at the dirt. His sigh was interrupted by a familiar brogue.
"Well boy. What's the craic?"
"You?" He wasn't startled by Brigid's presence. "What do you want now?"
"I guess an old lady like me wants speak her mind. Are ye listening?"
He raised his chin signaling her to go on.
"You need to stop Daryl. You can be out here too long."
"Man, this family, can't leave anything alone-" His complaint was interrupted by a second voice, younger, familiar as a far off dream. Daryl froze.
"How much longer can you live this life just trying to survive another day?"
He turned slowly to see his mother, young, beautiful and smiling. The vision stole his words, and he let out a surprised breath.
"You think you have to protect and save all of them. Noble yes, no one is blaming you for that Daryl, but the stakes do get high. You know you could lose all of that." Brigid pointed behind him to the house.
He watched Danni sitting on the porch with the twins and Fionn. She was encouraging Sophia to practice cartwheels in the yard. Kieran was reinforcing the spiked wood on the side of the main fence. Merle had stopped to bullshit with him for a moment; the two men guffawed loudly, and Kieran shouted he wasn't giving a tinkers damn about something, his voice traveled over the grass. Daryl looked at his family.
"When you find a place that lets you experience joy, when you find people who can make you feel safe and loved and like you belong, you don't walk away. You fight for it." Charlotte explained. "Focus. Don't get distracted by the high stakes. Concentrate on what is in front of you."
Before Daryl's eyes the light had changed to an underwater haze. Danni began singing low, throaty and strong, swinging the babies in a slow spinning beam of gold and green. She looked like a mermaid or a mirage made out of color and light and Daryl wanted to grab her and crush her tightly against him before she could vanish between his hands. She took his breath away. He knew he'd grown and changed. He'd become a man because he had stepped up and grown up by doing his best when she needed him to. When he left her that morning, she'd hugged him and said "hurry up." She never said 'goodbye' or 'be careful' any time he'd ever had to go. He loved his superstitious girl.
"If you go now after Rick and the others, You could lose Danni and your children. You could lose your brother." Brigid paused for effect. "Again. But, you know this."
"I-"
Charlotte cut him off. "Or they could lose you."
"Do you feel equipped to handle that this time?"
Daryl looked back and forth between the two women and felt tag teamed.
"But Rick. He might be in trouble, he might need me."
"Or he might very well be capable of helping himself. All of those people, Rick included, are on the path they chose."
"Just as you are on the path you chose."
He swiped the dark bangs from his narrowed eyes. "You mean the one you put me on?"
Brigid chuckled. "Don't you think you deserve this? Deserve some happiness in your life?"
Daryl had never stopped to consider that. Deserve?
"Life is short it goes by incredibly fast, faster than you can know. Cherish this life, cherish what you have." Charlotte added.
Daryl knew since he was a little boy that he wanted something more than the nothing loser life his father, Merle and people in his small town had told him he was destined for. He'd also known his family was fucked up beyond repair and never dared think that he could ever get more or do more. That is until he met Danni, and she needed him to catch up with her.
"And don't you want to be there when your new little one is born?"
"What? Danni's pregnant? But you said we can't have more kids. You said-"
"The ramblings of an old woman."
"You read it on my palm, that line was broke, you said-"
"Don't take that stuff so seriously lad. Parlor games." Brigid laughed so hard it came out a cackle. His mother smiled too, the crows feet dancing beautifully around her eyes. "The best way to predict the future is to create it."
Daryl shook his head, but a small smile tugged at the ends of his mouth.
"Son, you have to do what's right for your family. Rick can handle things he's a pretty capable guy. Yes they are in a bit of trouble, I'll not lie, but two of your friends are going to step up and do some incredible things, reach potential they never knew they had. Carol and Beth. I see them working together to rescue Rick and the others. It is their time. Do you really want to take that away from them?"
"No." As crazy as it sounded he knew it wasn't crazy. Ever since he met Danni things had just sort of happened; events fell into place. Why not this?
That day on the highway, they'd stood and stared at each other as strangers sizing the other up, but they hadn't been strangers. Danni was the girl who sang to his eight-year-old self when he hurt the most; they were each other's first, stolen teenage kisses. It took his breath away that they'd found each other against the odds and against layers of self-protection they'd both set up over the years. It would have been so heart-stoppingly easy for them to have missed one another. For Merle to have decided not to stick around on the highway that night. Maybe he didn't believe in miracles but fate.
"It went the way it had to son, the way it was always going to." Charlotte explained.
"A man should know what he's willing to die for. You do what your woman and your kids need even when it feels a lot harder than dying. " Brigid added.
And that's the only other thing Daryl needed to hear to know he had to stay.
Charlotte stepped toward her son. "Danni...you saved her life. She saved your life too, right?" She reached out and gently brushed the hair from his forehead with soft fingertips; he didn't flinch. "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you baby." She whispered, "My baby boy."
He pressed his lips the together to stop them trembling. She stood on tiptoes and gently cradled the back of his head pulling it down and kissed him affectionately on his forehead. "I am proud of you. And of Merle too. You are better men than I deserve to have raised."
"Don't say that momma."
"Its true. But I'm proud none the less. And you should be too. Let yourself feel it."
Daryl was proud of the way he and Danni loved each other. They had no one else to learn from. None of their parents were shining examples of relationship success. When someone you love needs you, you can tame your rabid dog temper. You get a grip on the things that scare you senseless and act like the adult you are and not the scared teenager living inside of you. You can do all of the things you never believed you could. In the end, he made a choice he never thought he would.
... ... ... ... ... ... .. .. .. .. .
"That was quick," Danni approached and they wrapped around each other pressed tightly from cheeks to toes. Her voice was hoarse and warm on his throat her hair smelled of honeysuckle and he could feel the quick beats of her heart knocking against his ribs.
He nodded. "You told me to hurry so..."
"Welcome home."
"Rick and them, they're gonna be fine."
"How do you know?"
"Your Nan and my...my mom told me so."
Danni nodded as if what he'd said was the most natural thing in the world. Come to think of it, it was. Natural in the crazy world he'd entered for her.
He smiled and looked into her eyes. How the light survived, he'd never know, but it was as beautiful as ever. She smiled back. That smile. They were both terrified but excited. Once again, they mirrored each other.
It was time for their journey to begin again. He put his hand on her belly knowing soon it would grow softer and rounder.
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
For the next several days, everything tasted better, smelled stronger, felt softer and warmer than Merle could ever remember. He knew he had finally come out the other side. He was finished with guilt and regret. He hadn't realized he longed for this peace and calm rather than the many countless years of strife, hardship and difficulties he'd brought on himself. The reality snuck up on him like a stray cat slinking down a dark alley. The love of those kids, his niece and nephew, crept up on him one stealthy footstep at a time. So there he sat, knowing that he had the rest of his days to enjoy his life. He felt more alive than he knew was possible. He stared into the cup of coffee, trying to grasp what it was he was feeling. It came to him as much as an epiphany as it was a shock.
"It's hope." Kieran said with a twinkle in his eye. "And freedom."
The two men sat at the kitchen table; each had a twin on their lap.
"How the fuck do you do that?' Merle asked. 'Know what I'm thinkin'?"
"I just saw the look on your face like, and I figure you're after feeling about the same me right now. "
Merle nodded, then motioned to Danni to pour him another cup.
"That's pretty good coffee, huh?" She asked.
"Best damned coffee I've ever had." He replied with a genuine smile, bouncing Ryder Merle on his knee.
... ... ... ... ... ... .
Summer had returned. Daryl and Danni sat on the front porch as they always did after putting the twins to bed.
A million stars lighted the night, and the air warmed them to the bone. The grass was tender green, and it glowed with the light from above. Her skin still felt like fireworks in a dark space, and it lit him up as he memorized every moment and experience in this set piece of time. He would remember the beginning of their new journey.
Daryl thought ahead and pictured every inch of what she'd look like in years to come. He visualized the crows feet from smiles he wanted to cause and the softness of her belly from kids that were his. Everything they'd been through and would go through was written on her body in braille for his hands to read. That text of flesh gave him all the answers he'd ever need and all the hope he'd never dared have until her.
The beginning of their new journey was heralded by a word so tired and true, so worn and weathered, but the only one he could think of at that moment.
"Hi." He said as much to the baby inside her as to Danni herself.
"Hi. He's a real bruiser, this son of yours. Kicking already." She shuffled her tarot cards and pulled the Wheel of Fortune.
"Good card?" His voice was a whisper to tame the raging oceans between them, and it pulled her closer to him. The riddle inside him was unbinding, and her fingers tightened around him as if they were remastering every page.
"Yeah it is a good card and I understand it now. I get it." Danni scrunched up her face. "I kinda hate to admit this, but I like happy endings." She blushed. "Stupid, huh?"
Daryl cleared his throat and spoke soft and low."That piece of poison apple flew right out of Snow White's mouth. She opened them beautiful eyes, pushed on that glass coffin lid, and sat up, alive and well as the day is long."
Danni cocked her head and listened as Daryl went on, "She didn't remember a damn thing, being unconscious all that time. When she asked where the heck she was, the King's son answered, you're with me, safe now. Of course then he told her everything that had happened while she was out. He told her, he loved her more than anything else in the world. He asked her to stay with him for the rest of their days."
"Snow White loved him so she did." Danni finished.
He nodded.
"Oh, Daryl."
"I've read that damn story so many times I memorized it." He feigned annoyance for a second then mused, "But y' know they did okay in the end. Lived that happy ever after thing. I mean, it probably wasn't easy, but worth it."
At that moment, Danni realized what Daryl had known all along. It wasn't an ending at all. As she gazed around at the front yard and heard all the people she loved inside the house, she knew that everybody here was just getting started.
... ... ...
AN: And here we are at "The End" sigh...It is bittersweet for me to end Note to Self: Don't Die. But, as Frank Herbert said, "There is no real ending. It's just the place where you stop the story." The characters are still very much alive in my imagination and sometimes I think of writing a sequel. If you are interested in that, let me know if I'd have any readers...?
I had a couple of humble goals when I started, and I feel I met them in terms of character development and keeping them real and relatable. Especially Danni. Thanks so much for the love you've shown for her and especially for Daryl and Danni as a couple. Note is/has been a huge part of my life and so have ALL of you who review and PM me. Also silent readers you are part of the tribe too! I have made some incredible friends along the way. I've said it before: Note readers are the best on FFnet. You are all smart cookies, intuitive, open-minded, self-aware and willing to invest in something a little different. You all changed my life for the better. Thank you for sharing this journey with me!
Much love to all of you. xx
(updated September 2022)