Wow, alright. So I'm going to go ahead and apologize in advance for...whatever the hell this is.
******Heavy Heavy Heavy Angst****** You've been warned. Also spoilers for all of Season 3 up until after the mid-season finale.
I'll be honest and tell you that this piece is really my way of getting past the anger-induced writer's block that I've had since the Cupid episode. I spent that whole episode furious with Felicity (which I would have thought was impossible) and the writers. And I deal with that in here.
I in no way dislike Felicity. I effing adore her, which is why I was so angry after that episode. Felicity as a shallow, easily-manipulated trophy actually causes me physical pain. And Oliver watching as she kissed Ray (who I hate. So much it hurts.) caused more tears than I want to admit. And I actually hated her there for a second when she smiled so big as Ray changed QC's name, like it wasn't the worst for Oliver. Sorry, rant over.
So I'm writing about it. I'm getting it out of my system.
And while I'm correcting those behaviors, I'm also totally angsting all over the place. I shouldn't even be posting this. But so many of you have asked me to post something, anything.
You should probably do us both a favor and skip this one.
Read at your own risk. And please, no hate. I know this one isn't my best.
(I am also aware that this one doesn't totally fit in this series but it involves sleep or inability to sleep and I just couldn't make myself put it anywhere else for some reason.)
A sigh escaped her lips as she rolled over. Even without her glasses she could make out the blurred numbers of her alarm clock. It had been seventeen minutes since she'd last looked and she only had about 3 hours until her alarm was set to go off. Felicity sat up and punched her pillow, perhaps a little harder than necessary, before flopping onto her stomach. She needed sleep. It had been nine days since she'd last slept the whole night through. Nine nights she had spent tossing and turning restlessly. Nine nights full of worry and regret. She ground her teeth together to halt the tears that were clogging her throat.
If she'd known maybe she would have behaved differently during those last days, those last months. Perhaps if she had seen the whole thing coming she would have been kinder and less self-righteous.
A tear escaped her tightly-squeezed lids and rolled slowly down her cheek.
Maybes were going to kill her. Maybes were Felicity's constant adversary these days.
Felicity sat up and placed her feet on the cold hardwood floor. Leaning forward, she hung her head and sniffled. He would never blame her for her behavior. He wouldn't accuse her of being shallow when she'd allowed Ray Palmer to buy his way into her life. He wouldn't wonder aloud about how it had only taken a designer dress and some jewelry to get her out on a date. Nor would he comment on the over-the-top date in a hotel rented solely for their time together or the fact that she fell into bed with Ray without a care about him buying his way into her bed.
The only accusation he'd thrown her way had been fully justified. It hadn't been about bruised ego or heartbreak over seeing her with a man who didn't respect her enough to charm her without his bank account.
"What is your problem? Jealous that I'm not mooning over you anymore? Feeling betrayed?!" She screamed at him from across the basement.
Oliver's eyes were conspicuously shiny as he lifted his gaze to meet hers. "I could never say a word about your relationship with him. And I won't." His voice was quiet.
"You're right! You have no right to be upset about my relationship with Ray! It's none of your business!" She bellowed, ignoring the voice in her head that told her she was taking it too far.
"I know that." He whispered, eyes on the wall behind her.
"Then who the hell do you think you are being pissed about me and Ray?"
She watched as he sighed and his shoulders slumped forward. "He stole my company. He took it right from under my nose." He pinched his nose and exhaled heavily. "You deserved better than that stupid store, you deserve to be in charge."
Confusion warred with anger and Felicity snapped when he didn't continue. "Then what the hell is your problem?"
His eyes snapped up and she saw the betrayal there in his eyes. "You should have been in charge of Queen Consolidated. But instead you're in charge of Palmer Industries." Her mouth popped open in surprise. "He stole my company and changed the name and you didn't even warn me. Damn it, Felicity. He changed the name and you stood there on TV smiling at him like you'd never been more excited."
Felicity's eyes were burning as she stared at him.
"You're right. You're not mine to be angry about. But you were my friend and you smiled as he stole the last part of my family from me." He finished and he still wasn't looking at her. "You promised to help me get QC back and then you didn't. You helped him take it away from me and make it something new. And I don't have to be okay with that."
Felicity jumped to her feet and left her bedroom quickly. She set about making herself a cup of tea, sleepy-time tea, hoping that sleep would come soon. But as she leaned against the counter waiting for the kettle to boil, she fought against the tears that begged free reign.
The fight had been an ugly one. One of their worst. And for the first time, probably ever, it had been completely her fault. He hadn't been short with her. There had been no "get your head in the game" jibes. He hadn't bitched about her date nights and the way they interfered with missions. He didn't resent her for forcing a relationship with Ray and rubbing it in his face. Oliver had been nothing but polite. And that had been the problem. He gave her no more attention than he gave Diggle or Roy. He held back any real reactions from her for her own comfort. He made no mention when she shrugged off a sweater and his eyes had zeroed in on one of the many hickeys Ray had given her despite her asking him not to.
He was a perfect gentleman. But he was no longer hers. He wasn't her friend or her partner or her ex-something. He worked with her and was completely professional. But one day she'd looked up at him and realized he had removed himself from her orbit. He was untouchable. And it was entirely her fault.
So she had begun picking at him. Picking fights and deliberately baiting him. And he ignored it. He was polite and joked back, but it wasn't real. Every night he was the first to leave the lair because he was desperate to get away from her. He was just too polite to say it.
The fight happened the night that Dig had pulled her aside and told her to stop being so horrible. She and John had always seen eye-to-eye. It was usually the two of them versus Oliver. And his words had cut her deeply.
Felicity watched as Oliver hightailed it out of the Foundry. She glared after him and didn't hear Diggle approach. His hand on her arm caused her to jump and spin to face him. She pulled her arm out of his grasp as she took in the anger on his usually stoic face.
"That's enough." He told her coolly.
"What are you talking about?" She asked with raised eyebrows.
John folded his arms over his chest and stared at her.
"Things were bad enough before but you need to stop chasing him out of here. You're going to get him killed, Felicity!" John growled and out of the corner of her eye she saw Roy nodding before following after his mentor.
Felicity's smart retort didn't make it past her lips as his words hit her. Hard. Oliver could die. She kept pushing him and he kept leaving with his head on wrong.
"I know that things are bad, but punishing him isn't fair. You made your choice. Don't keep doing this."
Felicity snarled and stepped forward, poking him in the chest. "He made that choice."
Dig shook his head sadly. "Yes, he did. But then you chose Ray. And he watched you do it." He left her standing there and heading out to cover Oliver.
Felicity would never be able to unsee the footage of Oliver practically skipping up to her office and then stopping short. The look on his face as he'd watched her and Ray had shattered her. She'd sat in the basement, barely listening to the mission and staring at the screen in front of her.
She felt sick for the way that she's treated him and she'd lashed out. She searched for any and all reason to blame him and as she zeroed in on that fern, she'd seen red. She hated that he'd kept it, that he'd watered it and cared for it. She hated that he had seen her kissing Ray and that he'd never said anything. She hated that she'd hurt him and she just lost it.
She still wasn't sure if him coming back alone was a blessing or a curse. She'd like to think that she would have behaved better if Roy or Dig had been there. But there was the possibility that she would have just humiliated him further by doing the same thing in front of his team.
Felicity turned off the whistling kettle and slid down the cupboards to sit on the cold tile. She'd been desperate to erase his pain from her memory that she'd turned on him the moment his feet reached the bottom of the stairs. His eyes widened as she grabbed the first thing she saw and chucked it at his head. He ducked and there was silence as the vase smashed and the plant landed at his feet. When he finally looked up at her, the pain was there again. Only this time she actually had to witness it.
Her mind skipped over the fight that followed. She was so ashamed of herself. She had never behaved so horribly in her life and she hadn't even apologized to him. He had walked away before she could break him a little more. And the next time she saw him he was saying goodbye.
"Oliver, Ra's will kill you!" Roy argued, his fear for his mentor clear in every tense line of his body. "Please don't do this."
Oliver clapped Roy on the shoulder. "I don't have a choice. Nyssa was very clear." His eyes met hers from the briefest of moments before moving towards John.
"We need a contingency plan, Oliver." John demanded.
Oliver shook his head and held out his hand. She watched with morbid fascination as John stared at Oliver's hand before he reached forwards in defeat. He grasped Oliver's hand.
"I don't have one, John. I don't." Oliver replied quietly.
"This is bullshit!" Roy roared.
Oliver caught the boy's arm and held fast. "I expect you to protect this city, Roy. Keep the streets safe 'til I get back."
There was something about the edge that Oliver's voice had taken when he alluded to making it home. And suddenly it was all real. She was no longer an audience member and this was no longer a dream. He was leaving. Oliver was leaving. She stared at him with wide eyes as he released Roy and turned to face her. She noticed that his eyes didn't meet hers even as he stepped into her space and pressed his lips against her forehead.
"Be happy." He breathed against her forehead. His eyes met hers for a fraction of time and within them she read the absolute love that he had for her.
And then he was gone. She hadn't said goodbye. She hadn't apologized for being horrible to him.
She hadn't told him she loved him more than anything in the world.
The first night after he left had passed in a daze. She couldn't seem to accept what had happened. And she'd found herself on a bar=stool in Verdant, ignoring Ray's calls and drowning her sorrows in the expensive whiskey that Oliver loved so much. She could feel Thea's worried gaze on her but they respected each other's secrets and Thea stayed away.
Roy dropped onto the stool next to her and quickly caught up with her. Sometime after his seventh drink he'd turned on her and glared until he had her full attention.
"You're my friend and stuff." He slurred. "But if he dies, it's your fault."
The rest had come out in a drunken rush and had rendered Felicity useless for the next four days. No hung-over apologies from a guilt-laden Roy could undo what she now knew.
"You've been awful and now he's across the world dueling to the death with that asshole from Nyssa's little club. He has to fight the biggest bad guy we've ever heard of. And he's doin' it coz Nyssa threatened to kill you. And I'm mad. Ray is stupid and you just keep letting him buy stuff. And Oliver is out there dying for you."
Sobs bubbled forth from her lips and she clutched her sides at the pain it caused her. It had been nine nights and ten days since any of them had heard from Oliver. She'd tracked his progress but he'd disappeared after hitting China. That had been seven days ago.
She curled up on the floor of her kitchen and cried herself to sleep. Her last thoughts were prayers that somehow, some way, Oliver was alive and healthy. She bargained with God and offered her soul to the highest bidder.
She'd spent the last four months punishing him. Now she would give anything to see him. The irony was not lost on her.
So uh, sorry again? Once again, I'm Felicity's biggest fan. But the writer's really pissed me off...and yeah. Thanks for reading?