/* AN: Okay, maybe not as fast an update as I was expecting to put up, but RL got to me and I had to re-edit this. But it's up now! I'd like to take a minute to address a review I got from that said, and I quote, "POS story. Nuff said." I never understand reviews like this. If it's bad, either a) don't read it, or b) give ideas on what could be done better so the author can do better in the future. Mate, if you're still reading this, I'm calling you out. Tell me what you think is shit about this, either in a review or a PM or something. I can handle it, just let me know. And, if you give me good ideas, I'll even use them! Anyways, mini-rant over, here's the next chapter.
*/

As soon as the three protagonists landed at the Apache reservation, they were immediately assaulted by the oppressive heat. Harry elected to stay in the Broncos shorts he'd kept on from his tryout the day before, while Sirius and Remus had to scramble to find shorts in their trunks.

When they'd spelled the shorts onto themselves, they headed to find the man that would teach Harry how to reach his next animagus form. As they searched, Harry had a thought.

"Hey Moony, Padfoot, why are you guys coming to this training session if you weren't at my last ones? Not that I'm not happy to spend time with you, but what gives?"

"Well pup, this ritual is gonna be different from the last three you've done. Where those tribes had fire full of marijuana and a month of meditating and shit, the Apache give you a bunch of peyote, take you into the desert, and watch you make a fool of yourself. By the morning, you'll apparently have come into contact with your inner animal and will be able to transform at will. It sounds like an accelerated version of the other rituals, and since you're not extending time, Moony and I are here to watch you tripping massive balls on peyote."

"Gee, thanks guys. Glad to know you're both such great guardians."

"No problem pup!"

When they finally found the man who'd take them into the desert and partially guide Harry through his next transformation, they wasted very little time hopping in the back of his WWII-era Jeep and headed into the desert. They set up a tent for each of them, got a fire going, and Harry sat down to start getting higher than a shuttle to Mars.

By the time the sun set, Harry had found his next form, a common rattlesnake. The only problem was, he found his form a lot sooner than anyone had ever done before in this particular ritual, most likely a side effect of having already found his previous forms. However, he'd consumed enough peyote to keep him high for the entire night, so he had a few hours left to work his way through the rest of his peyote high.

Sirius and Remus decided that, since Harry no longer needed watching or guidance to find his form, they too indulge in some peyote. The Apache tribesman with them made sure they had a fire going, had enough peyote to last the night, and went to bed, leaving the three sitting around the fire, high as kites. Harry was the first to break the silence.

"Guys, check this out. I know how this whole thing is gonna end. So we're all in this graveyard right, and Voldemort and his Death Eaters all show up and start firing. And Moody and Shacklebolt are there, and they open fire. WHOOSH! There's a random Vietnamese dude in a priest's outfit in the trees opening fire with a flamethrower!

"And Remus is there, writing notes and shit, but it's cool, nobody thinks he's a pussy or anything. All of a sudden, Tonks is there. She gets mown down. Just fucking MOWN DOWN! And Remus loses it. Pulls out a pair of pistols and starts shooting. Suddenly Shack and Moody are down, then Sirius get pushed through some piece of cloth of death or some other shitty way to go out or something. But after Remus goes down too, it's just me and Voldemort, and I cap him, before succumbing to my own wounds and dying peacefully. How's that?"

Remus and Sirius just sat there for a minute, trying to comprehend the complexities of the story Harry had just woven for him. They looked over, seeing that he was eating marshmallows and was wearing a frog beanie cap he'd pulled from god knows where. They thought for a few more minutes, and then told him, "That was fucking terrible! What the fuck was that? Everybody died! What the fuck!"

Harry grumped and sulked, lay back, and stared at the wide-open sky above them. After contemplating the mysteries of the world for a while, he decided that he was waaaaay to fucking high to be able to contemplate shit.

Sirius and Remus were going through similar actions on their side of the fire. They eventually got into an argument about whether quantum physics subscribed to the string theory or the quantum loop theory. After a short argument, they couldn't remember what they were arguing about, and decided that hyperdimensions were some trippy-ass shit, and left it at that.

After the three lay back staring at the sky, Harry broke the silence again.

"I'm thinking about legally changing my middle name to fucking. Harry Fucking Potter just rolls off the tongue nicely doesn't it? Fuck it, I'm doing it."

He pulled out some paper and Thanatos' Sharpie that he'd never actually gotten rid of, and wrote a short note detailing his change of identity. He stamped it with his Potter and Black family rings, and had Remus witness it. Sirius would, but he was dead, which admittedly was a small problem with the legality of him witnessing anything.

As they finished the note, Harry got an envelope from his pocket, since apparently his drug-induced subconscious decided an envelope was necessary to the process of consuming peyote in the desert. "So, we just need to send this to the goblins..."

Sirius interrupted Harry's musings. "Nah pup, you need to send that to your lawyers. I have no idea why everyone thinks that Gringotts does literally everything in our society, but all they really do is banking. They do it well, but that's it. They only did my will because of the massive shift of wealth that went with my death, and they only got us our fake passports because they have contacts to get these things we couldn't. Well, outside of Dung that is, but he's always flaky, and I don't trust his merchandise. Send that to Dewey, Cheatum, and Tonks, that's the firm the Potters have on retainer."

"Tonks, like..."

"Yeah, Nymmy's mum Andi is a partner. She'll take it to the Ministry for you and they'll process it and legally change your middle name."

"Sweet. Now just gotta send this off."

With that, Harry was off to try and find some way to send a letter to England from the middle of the Southeastern United States.

MEANWHILE, OVER THE GREAT PLAINS

She wings her way through the skies, lording her dominion over all those who would dare to challenge her. She reigns over all she sees. She is beauty and she is grace. She is elegance and taste. She is also being called subconsciously by her minion.

With an internal sigh, Hedwig gave up her dreams of being Miss America and started winging towards where her minion needed her, deciding to humor him. So, with a heft of her wings, she started the journey towards the American southwest.

When she reached her minions and his companions, she was struck by the single strangest sight she'd seen in all her owl years.

Her minion was chasing down a small desert owl that was being magically summoned by the two older sources of bacon. When her minion finally captured the deficient owl, he started yelling at it, apparently trying to frighten the waste of feathers into taking a letter to the UK.

BACK TO HARRY

Harry had just caught the small desert owl and was trying to impart onto it the necessity of taking the letter he had tied to its leg to Gringotts bank in the London, when Hedwig showed up from nowhere and landed on his shoulder. As shown by her sharp talons digging into his shoulder, she was very unhappy. Either for trying to use an owl other than her for a delivery or for calling her to him and distracting her from what she was doing, he had no idea. But either way, he released the frightened desert owl he had captured and tried to use as a delivery mechanism and tied it to Hedwig instead.

Knowing how Hedwig worked, he tried to scrounge up some form of meat to give her as payment for her delivery. However, the only thing his peyote-influenced mind could find to give his owl was more peyote. Deciding there was no reason not to give his prized owl a highly restrictive and hallucinogenic drug, he held some up to her.

Hedwig sniffed imperiously at the offering her minion gave unto her, and decided that even though it wasn't her favored bacon, she would try it. He happily munched it down and held out her leg to allow Harry to tie the letter to it.

By the time Harry had untied the letter from the desert owl, released it, and turned to tie it onto Hedwig, the peyote had hit her. She let go of Harry's shoulder and lay down on her back, looking up at the sky and contemplating shit.

Harry shrugged, let it go, and lay down next to her, happy to share such an experience with his first friend.

As time went on, Harry and Hedwig consumed more peyote, re-upping their high as necessary. Harry, Remus, and Sirius had totally forgotten the fact that this experience was designed to allow humans to find their animagus transformation, and since no animal had gone through the process, they were all justifiably shocked when Hedwig went through a reverse transformation and suddenly became human.

She was beautiful, with pale skin and amber eyes. Her curves while human were just as elegant as they were when she was an owl, which is to say very. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily for the men involved, she appeared with an elegant Greek-style dress off one shoulder that was pale white with black patches that matched the spots on her wings.

"Minion!" was her first word. She closely followed with "what has happened minion? Why am I not in my feathered body?"

"Oh shit Hedwig, you must have reverse-transformed from an animagus into a human" replied Harry, the human most likely to be her minion, who decided not to acknowledge the whole minion comment.

"Very well minion, this is acceptable. You must teach me how to do your version of instant transformation though."

Harry decided this was fair and taught her how to telepop. They spent the rest of the night talking, and Harry eventually managed to convince Hedwig he wasn't her minion.

Harry woke up the next morning with a familiar weight on his chest. As it turned out, it was Hedwig's naked human form draped over him this time, and it was a beautiful view. Hedwig woke up shortly after and telepopped Harry's note to Gringotts before he remembered writing it. When she returned, she told him she would be wandering the States in her human form, but would show up if he needed to send a letter, then she was gone.

Harry, Remus, and Sirius shortly followed her example, leaving the Apache reservation for the next stop on their journey, Las Vegas, old Sin City itself.

/* AN: Fun note, this chapter was what got me to start writing this story. I'd just seen 7 Psychopaths, which was the basis of most of the 'peyote in the desert' scene, and I got this idea in my head of them sorta recreating their writing session. Then I a story (I can't remember which at this time) which used the whole 'high on peyote for an animagus transformation' and I was all like, whoa, I can use that shit, it's perfect. And then I read Harry Potter and the Lightning Scar and I was all like whoa, this can be part of their wenching 'round the world tour. And then it just kinda mutated from there to what it is now.

So yeah, fun stuff. Bonus points if you recognized the Miss America theme from Miss Congeniality in there. God bless William Shatner. New chapter should be out soon, I make no promises though. I should have plenty of time to write this weekend, but we'll see if I choose to write or drink. Should be a toss-up. Either way, catch y'all on the flip side.
*/