Shell Shock

Writers: Denny and Leila
Rating: PG-RG
Warnings: Ratchet/Azimuth. Violence.
Disclaimer: We value our lives too much to even dare think about claiming Ratchet and Alister as our own. We borrow them for an RP, so don't worry. [Put the Wargroks back into your cage!]
Summary: Everyone's nightmare is to wake up in a cold, dark place without a clue where one is. Sadly, that's what's happened to us. What's even better, we have monsters and weird encounters to endure as well. And then there's them…
Lucky, right? If I ever get out of here, I will need some therapy sessions.

Chapter 11

Golden ears flew up to their highest position while Ratchet whirled around. He gripped behind on the console while the other hand held his wrench threateningly. Still, the sight before him baffled even him - this was getting ridiculous!
"Lawrence? What are YOU doing here?"

"Carrying the undergarments of the good doctor to the cleaner." The butler pointed at the basket in his arms and gave them but a short glance, sneering contemptuously when he saw both Lombaxes in such hostile positions. "It just happens to be in the same room as the main computer. You know, it is much more practical to have everything in one room than in different rooms if you have to take care of it all. I can take care of all of my duties immediately." Then he walked across the room, indifferently, almost nonchalantly to one of the machines. A quick move and the contents of the basket vanished in the depths of the cleaner. "Seeing Lombaxes does not belong to my duties, however. May I inquire the reason for your stay?"

None of the addressed moved. Neither did the robot who just kept standing there, the basket still under one arm, the other pressed on his hip, staring at them as if awaiting entertainment. His optics were still as half-lidded as ever, yet he managed a half-bored, half-condescending glare. He wasn't contacting Nefarious in any way either. Ratchet knew the signs on robots if they communicated via radio. But then again - he hadn't met the butler ever without Nefarious before and thus had no experience to draw from to know what he should expect.

"I suppose I cannot expect an answer from you?" Lawrence raised his head just a bit, his digits impatiently tapping the edge of the basket. "My, my. It seems like someone has done quite the good job to shut you up." Hiding an amused smirk, he watched the elder Lombax's stare change. "I see. A passionate kiss must have been shared, then. A wonder that you have been able to speak at first, Ratchet."

A wrench clattered to the floor.
Another, double-headed wrench clattered split-seconds later.

The butler widened one of his optics a bit, looking at the wrenches on the ground. "Oh my. As it seems your synchronization is not quite perfect yet. Have you become partners only recently? It appears so-" The robot fell silent as he saw the bloody smears on the ground. "... Someone had quite the lovely play going on here." A sigh left him. "Please, if you have to play your games here, please clean up. This ground is not like a bed sheet that I can throw into the washing machine."

"Wha-wha-what are you insinuating?" Azimuth stuttered, supporting himself with one hand on the console. "We would never-"

"Apologies for interrupting you, but my optics tell me that your fur has gained red color around your nose. ... Wait, I must have forgotten to turn off the heat sensors. Ratchet seems quite red too, and it certainly isn't his fur color." The butler closed his optics and seemed to be reconfigurating his settings. "It might be probable that both of you have been hit by a sudden sickness. And sickness is certainly not favorable in such a wonderfully sterile environment." The optics opened again. "Either way. Your reply to my former question, if you will."

May a sudden earthquake tear through the metal floor, open a hole in which he could vanish. Lawrence had seen them make out. The ever-bored, snarky-to-everyone-and-about-everything Lawrence had seen them make out, probably via a hidden camera. The level of embarrassment ratcheted past the mark when Ratchet had realized what he was doing, and right into territory of mortification.

If he could only get his throat to work without probably squeaking. "Chr... We don't know either. We were probably ambushed by the Voligs and actually we'd like to leave the place as soon as possible."

"Is that so? It seems like we are of one opinion, then. What a change from the constant disagreements with the doctor." Lawrence sighed lowly. "If you could only tidy up after yourselves, and I would have revised my stance upon organic life forms just a bit." He placed the basket on the ground and dusted off his shell, the ever-so indifferent gaze in his optics. "I am astounded that you can walk. I didn't expect anyone to be back on their feet so fast after such treatment."

"What-" Azimuth was speechless. Oh, please, someone tell him that the butler had not seen... Oh great lords. If he had...
Where was the next revolver?

"From what my data banks have stored, it is suggested that the body of any organic involved in such an explicit oral intercourse is unable to move for some time." Heavy-liddedly he looked at the Lombaxes, the silence saying more than thousand words.

Gagging sounded next to Alister who whipped around. Even more flustered, he wanted to die in shame now at what he thought was Ratchet's belated disgust-

"But of course, you are different. You contradict the data banks so often that you can't be taken lightly. After all, you've crossed my master's plans more than often enough." Lawrence sighed. The agony of the two Lombaxes he could not comprehend as there was nothing shameful about it. Anyone who would have been in their shoes wouldn't have been able to resist. "Please, loosen up. It makes me wonder why you've become so incredibly stiff. There is nothing to stiffen up about."

"Okay okay, we will try, we will try."
At least Lawrence stopped mentioning it and Ratchet gladly took the opening to change the topic. "Say, I know it's a lot to ask fer since we are enemies and such but could you please show us the way out?"

"And there I was, thinking that Lombaxes were very proud. That would have explained your behavior, at least." The butler shook his head. "Sadly, I am not allowed to assist you with your search for an exit. It does not lie within my duties, and the fact that I am talking to you is already exceeding my tolerance level of additional labor related to the good doctor."

"So he doesn't know we are here?" They should shoot themselves - the most obvious question and they hadn't asked it. Of course there was doubt if the butler would have answered them truthfully, but still.

"Do you really believe that you would have ended up here, in my personal conduction room, if he had known of your presence?" Lawrence stepped closer, taking the hostile reactions with a condescending gaze. "No. You would have already found yourselves in his quarters and not in the lovely situation you are in now."

"Well, but you saw what happened here so-" Actually Ratchet doubted this would go anywhere and a part of his mind agreed, yet he couldn't stop himself asking.

The butler ignored the Lombax's remark and folded his hands. "Would you move aside, please. I have to access the computer."

"And why so, please?"

"Are you even in the position to ask?" The robot narrowed his optics before a faint, but mischievous smirk appeared on his face. "I wonder... What would Doctor Nefarious say if I linked myself with him and told him about your presence?"

"If you had really wanted to do that, you'd have done so the second you saw us." Was the unimpressed retort.

"I do enjoy seeing my master agonizing once in a while. And what better individual is there than his organic nemesis to make him suffer occasionally?" The smirk widened, even if only for a moment. "I do, however, see the necessity of executing my work properly as more important than temporary enlightenment. So, if you please. I still have my hopes up to see quite the spectacle in the hours or days to come."

"Hmph." Azimuth splayed his fingers and signalized that Ratchet should step aside. No need to go on so sassily, even less if there was a chance that Lawrence would spill a word about their…

"Why, thank you." Lawrence stepped to the control pad, giving the elder a short glance. "I can see who the more experienced one is. My, can't I even make a compliment to you organics without you taking it as a threat? You look awfully distressed, if not paralyzed." He turned away again and looked at the keys, only a disgusted sneer escaping him as he saw the blood drips on the control pad. "Quite the play you had."

"Play?" A swamp of nausea rolled over the younger at seeing the blood again. "Do we look like we cut into each other or something?"

"I believe your canines are not only for show. But this is unrelated to your question." Lawrence hesitated before he finally lowered his fingers and started opening files which seemed irrelevant to them. "I will have so much cleaning to do. What a nuisance."

Azimuth winced at this remark. Oh lords. He couldn't look at either Ratchet or the robot. Please… If he could, he would just go and throw himself off a cliff. Not only had he had this… intimate… moment with Ratchet - that alone was terrible enough for his pride - but… Someone had seen it.

Lady Luck really had to hate him.

Ratchet face-palmed in frustration. This was getting really stupid - the robot was messing with them like he usually was with Nefarious and Ratchet had no interest in getting teased and taunted. He threw his arms in the air in defeat. "Fine, we'll clean up the consoles if you want but you have to shut them down or else we'll activate the self-destruct or something else by accident."

"Don't worry. To activate those commands special codes must be inserted in specific time intervals. I doubt that even with your luck you could find it." Lawrence glanced at one of the monitors on which the opened file was visible, but did not bother to close the window. "As for your offer… Thank you kindly, but I do not need your help. Chances that you will leave such a mess yet again are too high after all."

"Okay, fine. We just leave through where you came from. And we try not to get torn up by your creepy guards again or so." He let his eyes flit behind the robot. Too bad they hadn't gotten to look after information about the guards, if the robot would just leave before them...

"I believe they have taken quite a liking of you. Otherwise you wouldn't have left such a terrible mess behind." Lawrence sighed. "These creatures… So obnoxious. Whenever they decide to involve others in their games, it ends like this."

"Tell me about it." It was half comforting that Lawrence wasn't impressed by the guards, like usual. The other half was put off - did anything faze the robot ever?
"Okay, we're going. Come on Alister." He snagged him around the wrist, tugging.

"... A... All right." The elder had only enough time to catch his wrench before he followed Ratchet reluctantly; his gaze was still directed at the opened files, though. There had been enough information he wanted to see. Who were those Shapeshifters? What about the Voligs? Too many things he needed to know, and he couldn't.

How frustrating.

His glance wandered towards the Nanotech crate. For a moment he hesitated and pulled the younger back towards the boxes. There was no harm in storing some in case they would encounter these guards again.

Opening his subspace, Ratchet stuffed as much of the nanotech as he could while Alister was doing the same. He discreetly watched the robot out of the corner of his eyes, just in case he might try something yet.

"Oh, you are leaving? Splendid. Have a nice day." Lawrence kept updating the data banks before he halted. "... Or rather, wait a moment." He turned around, reaching into his pocket. When he pulled his hand out, a small chip rested on his palm. "I believe your armor can read this."
"What is that?"
"A microchip which has stored a map for secure areas. It only applies to this part of the facility, however."

Ratchet's features twisted into a frown. Standing at the crate, sideways to Lawrence, he crossed his arms. "Why would you give us a map? What do you get outta this?"

"I will save some time." The butler said it so indifferently that it baffled the elder. As if that was a sufficient answer!

"I don't believe you. There must be another reason behind this."

"… Organics. Lacking the ability to think logically." Lawrence sighed."Look around you. This mess you have left behind is most probably the result of an assault of our lovely Shapeshifters. To your and my luck you have been able to engage the force field, thus sparing me quite a lot of cleaning work that would have come together if you hadn't found safety. How you survived their 'examination'…" Lawrence shuddered at the thought. "… is quite the riddle, but I digress. My point is: If I give you this piece of information, there will be no more additional work for me to do. And, looking at the condition this room is in…" He sighed. "I would rather give away a little piece of confidential data than clean up such a mess more than once."

So, the guards got to the robot actually, though to which extent was left to debate. One never knew what was going on in that headspace of his.
Tentatively, Ratchet moved to walk to the robot but a broad hand was suddenly in front of his chest.

"I don't believe you." Alister narrowed his eyes. "This can't be the only reason. There is no way that you would do it only for this."

"Oh I can assure you, I do not have the slightest intention to hinder you. At least this time." Lawrence looked calmly at the Lombax. "To soothe your conscience, I can slightly sympathize with you. I have observed several of our employees being pulled into one of their 'kisses' disguised as the poor excuse of an examination. But, to be fair, they do seem to know quite well about the individual's structure after this explicit oral intercourse."

There was the clang of a jaw hitting the floor. Or maybe it was just imagination. Still, Ratchet's mouth did fall open at Lawrence's three last words.

He couldn't be serious. The Lombax had been writhing and growing hot and cold - though definitely more often hot - and being so painfully embarrassed when the robot went on and on about the 'oral intercourse'-

And he had meant the guards the whole time?

Lawrence had to be messing with them.

A short glance to the elder revealed that Alister felt no better. The one orb he had held in his hand dropped onto the ground, his whole body frozen. That of course did not pass the good butler. Widening one of his optics, he looked at them with incomprehension.

"Oh please. Your embarrassment was entertaining for a while, but now it is simply confusing. As I have said, there is nothing to be ashamed about, really. The guards are creatures that can hardly be put into place. Even the doctor and I have our difficulties with them from time to time." As there was no response, he switched on the heat scanner once more, only surprised to see both heads gleaming brighter than melting metal.

"S… So you didn't refer to anything else?" Azimuth could have slapped himself for stuttering. Compose yourself, Alister! But it was hard. He couldn't even look at the robot.

"No." Lawrence replied indifferently. "Why? What else should I have referred to-" The butler suddenly halted in his question, his hand raised halfy before his chest. Slowly his optics widened, once looking at Ratchet, then at Azimuth. "… Ah." Then, blinking a few times and shaking his head a little, he returned to his normal, indifferent state. "No. I did not refer to your mating preferences, I'm afraid."

Silence.
Then a faint whisper.

"Ratchet?"

"… Yes?"

"Could you do me a favor and shoot me in the head please. I feel like my life is at its end now."

"… So my guess was right?" A low chuckle escaped the butler, rare as it was. "My, my. Then I can assume that you do have shared an intimate moment here unrelated to our Shapeshifters? How thrilling." His fingers wiggled in amusement. "Splendid. I now have quite the story to tell." A pause as the robot shifted his attention to Azimuth. "I do hope that you haven't done anything to the poor young Lombax without mutual consent."

"Wha-wha-wha… Wait WHAT?" Alister was now all stutter and embarrassment, barely able to look anywhere. Lawrence saw with mischievous pleasure how his head turned brighter and brighter. "I… what… No! I'd never-"

"If anything happened, it happened with my consent, you moron." Embarrassment? What was embarrassment? No, he didn't feel it at all in the moment. Ratchet just stood there, massaging his forehead with the heel of his hand. "You don't even know what actually happened so stuff it up your tailpipe or the equivalent of it you have. I'm not in the mood for that stuff."

"I can easily look at it on the security camera files..." Lawrence could barely hide his amused smirk. "Then I could maybe see the reason why you aren't embarrassed and your lovely companion is. Perhaps he was in the unfavorable position?"

"And for what reason except for being an insufferable ass? Come, Alister, let's go." He tugged the gaping Lombax with him who seemed to want to protest but couldn't.

"All right. Bye bye." The butler smirked before he prepared to throw the chip in his hand. The data carrier flew handily between Azimuth's collar and neck. "I hope that you can use this. And no more games, please." As he waved after them, he suddenly remembered something.
"Wait just one more moment. Where have you used the Nanotech?"

"Alister used some on his hurt leg, then some on my face, mostly the jaw." Why exactly there, he left that to Lawrence imagination - or rather logic because the robot would conclude things on his own anyway.

"Don't forget your own legs." Azimuth added. His tail was swinging around a tad nervously. To their surprise, Lawrence did not make any further suggestive remarks.

"Not around the neck? Not even the slightest bit?"

"Well, not the neck, per se." The elder frowned. "It was my throat. They had choked me so much that I started spitting blood."

"Hm. I see." He turned around and inserted the data; where to could not be perceived. "Odd... If Nanotech helps, you should have had to use it around your neck as well... Hm..."The butler tapped the keyboard as he rubbed his cheek. "Thank you a lot. You may go now."

"Our necks? I'm glad to say they didn't touch me there." Ratchet growled while his hand went to massaging his throat unconsciously.

"I beg to differ." Azimuth glanced briefly at the younger's throat before he walked towards the door without another word. It was his turn to pull the other with him, and quickly did he do so. Any more moments with Lawrence would just drive him mad. Sadly, they couldn't just make it without the robot noticing their departure.

"Oh and one more thing. Please make sure you won't leave any more traces on our furniture, should you encounter any… It is awfully complicated to clean these, even more than this floor."

The general had never been seen running that fast before.