Ch. 3: The Proof
Hey Everybody. I meant to have this up sooner but this chapter just kept growing and turned into the largest chapter of any story that I've ever written. I hope you enjoy it.
Trigger Warnings: Brief mentions of violence and death
She had told him to stay in the car.
When they had finally tracked down their suspect her and Hanson had gone to take him down and she had firmly told Henry to stay in the car while they went after him. Backup was on its way but Jo knew they needed to catch this guy while they had him in their sights. The man was clearly the one they had been searching for in connection to a string of brutal murders. This man was dangerous so when she told Henry to stay in the car she had meant it. She had made sure to say it in a way that made it clear it was not open for discussion. Henry had looked like he accepted that.
Jo had thought he had anyway and hadn't suspected trouble until the end. Her and Hanson had lost sight of the suspect for a while but they had caught up to him just as the backup arrived and they had been able to take him down relatively easily. They had thought he was armed but after a thorough search they had found no weapon on him. The man was crazy, actually insane, so no one had thought anything of it when he had mumbled that 'that other guy' had taken his knife. No one except Jo that is.
Cold dread set into Jo's stomach. She told herself, she had nothing to worry about and she had to remain calm as they wrapped things up. But this was Henry she was thinking about. So, of course she had something to worry about. He never stayed put; of course he wasn't going to do what she asked him to. She tactfully made sure things were tied up as quickly as she could and made an exit. Hanson was riding back with one of the other officers so that left her free to return to her car on her own. After she was out of sight of the others she rushed back to the car, running as fast as she could so she could find that Henry was fine and alleviate her fears. But when she got there her fears weren't relieved; they were confirmed. The car was empty. Henry was gone.
Jo began a desperate search that lasted for at least 30 or 40 minutes, searching all the nearby streets and alleys. She didn't know how far Henry could have possibly gotten when he must have been on foot. The farther away she got the more she started to lose hope of finding him. She had finally decided to head back and continue her search by car, with help. She was already on her way when she heard a sound that made her stop, coming from an alley she could have sworn she'd already searched. She couldn't tell exactly what the sound was so she drew her gun and approached, but she was hopeful for anything that might lead her back to Henry. All the hope she'd had for Henry soon dissolved though.
She saw the blood trail first. It wasn't even concealed. It wasn't the sign of someone who had been dragged there and dumped by a criminal. It was much more suggestive of someone who had been injured and dragged themselves elsewhere. She looked ahead to where the trail led, seeing that it led behind a dumpster. There was a pile of trash behind the dumpster but the closer she got she saw a foot sticking out of the pile. She recognized the shoe.
"Henry," she cried, sounding strangled on its way out.
She ran the last few steps towards him holstering her gun as she went. She knelt down beside him and pushed the pile of trash off of him. She breathed out a sigh of relief when his eyes opened and he looked up at her, proving he was still alive. But the relief didn't last long. There was a mix of emotion in his eyes as they looked into hers. He smiled slightly at her; he was relieved that she was there and was probably trying to reassure her a bit too. But mostly he looked sad. He knew how bad it was. That's when she looked down and she couldn't stifle the sob that slipped out. His torso was completely soaked in blood coming from a very obvious stab wound in his stomach. It was all over his shirt and waistcoat and even on his coat. It was way too much.
She pressed a hand in vain to his stomach, trying to stop the flow of blood, even though she knew he'd already lost too much. She'd seen this enough times to know he really only had minutes left. His own hands were covered in blood as if he had tried to stop the bleeding himself but he was so weak now, his arms just lay still at his sides. She was pretty sure he couldn't even move. His face was so pale; there was absolutely no color left in his face and lips. She pulled his head into her lap and he groaned at the motion.
"I'm sorry," she whispered as she started to stroke his cheek with her free hand.
"S'okay," he mumbled as he closed his eyes and sighed at her touch. She could see in his expression that he was just barely still there. He had been there for at least half an hour and he'd probably already be gone but she knew he must have been waiting on her.
She moved her hand from his face and he opened his eyes. She reached quickly inside her coat pocket for her phone but he reached out a hand and touched it, just barely shaking his head. His touch was so light; of course he couldn't fight her on it if she were set on doing it. But she knew what he was trying to tell her: it was too late.
He reached out for her hand and she took it securely in hers. "But-" she started to say.
"No," he said gently. He shivered and she gathered him more tightly in her arms. She gave up on pressing her hand to his stomach and just held him against her, his head tucked in against her neck.
"I told you to stay in the car," she said the tears already coming down her face. "Why can't you ever just listen to me?"
"I'm sorry," he said. Henry never said sorry, not like this. It was so sincere and so broken and he wasn't just apologizing for not listening to her. He was apologizing for what was to come. She was undone.
She wasn't mad at all. She brushed his face and hair and hugged him as tight as she could without hurting him, so desperate to soak up as much of him as she could. He let her, so glad she was there to be with him through this. He was used to death and knew what was coming but it was always scary and he hated to do it alone.
"Why did you do that, Henry? Why did you do this? That man was crazy. I told you to stay in the car for a reason." She shifted him in her arms so she could look into his face.
"I know," he said gently, gasping for breath. Even just talking now was a struggle for him. "I could see it in his eyes; that murderous intent. You never forget that kind of evil once you see it. He was going to kill someone; he'd already made up his mind. I wasn't going to let it be you."
"But why you? Why, Henry? Why?" she begged, as if it would change anything. She willed herself not to get hysterical because she could feel she was already heading that way. Henry was going to die and she couldn't bear it; she was terrified of it.
"I was going to stay, like you asked. But I needed to give you and Hanson time for the others to get there. You wouldn't have been able to take him down just the two of you without a cost."
"You don't know that," she countered weakly.
"No," he consented. "But I wasn't going to take that risk. The time I spent distracting him gave you a better chance. "
She gave out a humorous laugh. "Distracting him? You mean, letting him stab you?"
"I didn't want it to end like this. I tried to talk to him. But he wouldn't listen. I kept talking to him just to keep him here but that's when he came at me," Henry said starting to cough. He groaned and there was blood on the corners of his mouth.
Jo could feel that great chasm of grief inside of her, just ready to split open and destroy her from the inside out. She didn't want to do this again; she wasn't sure she could survive that monster again. "Well you shouldn't have done that," she said somewhat angrily. "Why do you have to be so reckless? You're so stupid sometimes. I-"
With great strength he reached up to touch her face. He wanted to hold her face but he just barely touched her cheek before his hand fell back to his side, completely spent. "Jo."
He said it so gently and she knew he understood. "Henry," she begged as she started to cry. "Please don't go. I can't...not without you...I just can't...I won't," she cried, her words stopping here as she began to sob hard now.
She wanted to stay strong but she couldn't help it. Henry couldn't die, he just couldn't. She did love him; she knew it now. There was no question of it anymore. She needed him and she wanted him beside her always. He was such a good man and he deserved a much better ending than this, dying too young, stabbed and bleeding to death in a dirty alley.
Henry had never seen Jo like this. He'd seen her cry but he had never seen her sob like she was right now and he knew it was for him. It broke his heart to see her in pain. She'd already lost her husband and gone through the pain of that and he didn't want her think for even a second that she was going to lose him.
He realized that she still must not believe what he had told her. She didn't believe that he wouldn't stay dead. But he didn't blame her. The dinner they'd had together where he told her his secret had been weeks ago. He knew she had been skeptical of all he had told her, to say the least, and he knew it would take her a while to process it all. He had been waiting on her to bring up the subject again rather than trying to spring anything else on her that she wasn't ready for. He knew he'd dropped so much on her that he wanted to wait until she was ready to hear more. But the weeks had gone by and she still hadn't said anything about it. He figured she was probably still trying to deal with it in her own way. Maybe she was in denial. Either way, he had just been so relieved to still have her in his life that he was content to leave things lie as they were. She hadn't left him or had him sent away and he would be content with that even if she never spoke of his secret again.
The way she was sobbing right now, confirmed his suspicions. She really believed that she was going to lose him. He knew she had believed him at least partly but he didn't blame her for still having doubts. Immortality was a hard thing to believe in. He probably wouldn't believe it if he didn't live it himself. Even he sometimes found it hard to believe.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said, trying to reassure her.
It didn't exactly break through to her yet. She didn't take his statement as a fact. She was sure he was only trying to console her. There was so much concern in his voice when he said it that it only made it worse for her. His facade of strength was chipped away and there was only his raw emotions underneath it. She could tell from the way he said it how much he cared for her, how much he wanted her safe. He didn't want her to be hurting even when he must be in agony himself. In the face of the fact that she was sure she was about to lose him she almost couldn't bear it.
When she lost Sean, she hadn't been there when it happened. He was gone before she ever even knew what had happened. Never getting to say goodbye to him had been excruciating. She had often wished that she had been there. But now that she was here with Henry, now that she knew that death was imminent and she was going to have to watch his life end, she was really not sure which was worse. Not getting the chance to say goodbye was awful but watching him die was going to be terrible.
Henry wanted to leave her to her sorrow and to her tears. He wanted to leave her to mourn and not force her to be strong until she could see for herself that all really would be alright. He didn't want to interrupt her but he could feel it coming. He could feel death pressing in around him, coming to take him from this place. He let out a shaky breath as the terrible fear set into him and he knew he would soon feel the darkness. He knew he was almost out of time and soon she would have her answers. Soon she wouldn't have to fear losing him. But first he needed her to know what was going to happen.
They hadn't discussed what happened when he died and though he had been giving her the time she needed, he now wished he'd brought it up sooner. He had told her that every time he died he came back. But he hadn't gotten around to explaining the reappearances yet. Now he only had time to explain the basics before he was gone.
"Jo," he said and he shifted so he could look at her better. He gritted his teeth as a wave of pain rolled through him. It got black around the edges and for a moment he was afraid that he had already waited too long. He was sure only sheer determination pulled him through. "Listen to me," he said firmly. "I'm about to go. You need to know what's going to happen after I die."
"Don't say that."
"Listen, please," he begged, the pain now nearly unbearable. "Remember what I told you? When I die I come back. Remember?"
She paused before answering, clear doubt in her face as she remembered. "Yeah."
"I am going to die. But I'm not going to stay dead," he said trying to reassure her.
He could see that it didn't really do the trick. Even if she believed him fully, he knew that it would still be hard. Saying you believed something and actually having to put it to the test, especially with the life of a loved one, are two entirely different things.
"When I die, I'm not going to stay here. I'm going to disappear."
"Henry, what are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry I didn't get to explain it. But I need your help. Can you help me?" he asked trying to get her attention, needing her to listen and understand what he was telling her.
She had to breathe a few times to stifle the tears before she could answer. "Of course. Anything."
"I need you to go down to the East River. That's where I'll be."
"Why?"
"I don't have time to explain that," he said struggling to get the words out. He now desperately wished that he could have explained this part to her before this moment. "Please, it's a very cold night, so I really need you to be...punctual. You saw the location on the police report; when I was arrested for skinning dipping. That's where you'll find me."
"Henry, this..." she said shaking her head and struggling. She had no idea what he was talking about. He had said he couldn't die, that he always came back but she wasn't sure what all of this had to do with that.
"I know it sounds crazy. Unbelievable. And I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. I spared you as long as I could. But Abe was right; I do need you. I can't do this on my own," he said the pain finally overtaking him.
Jo struggled to watch him as he recoiled with pain. He was holding on for her but she knew she needed to let go so he could. But how could she let go of him? How could she ever let go of him? She knew that he was asking her if she would be there for him. She was terrified to agree to it, knowing that once she did he would give in to the inevitable. But she did; she knew she had to. "Okay," she said hoping to relieve the pain at least in part even if caused her unending pain.
He did look relieved, relieved to have her support, relieved to be able to let go. "Good."
"Henry...Henry I," she paused. She wanted so much to say it. She never said it to him before. If she said it and she lost him it would make losing him even worse. But this may be her only time and she knew what it was to live with regrets. She would not have them with Henry.
"I love you, "she said quietly.
He smiled at her, actually looking happy despite everything else going on that moment. She smiled back and for a second she was happy too. It was significant, since it was the first time they'd spoken it. But the way they looked at each other, they'd both known it was already there.
"I love you dearly," he said with feeling before he took a deep breath. "I'll...see you soon," he said as his eyes started to fall shut.
"Wait," she said, terror gripping her. He could just barely open his eyes she said it. "What if don't come back?"
"I will always come back to you," he said mumbling his eyes closed again. He was fading and she wasn't even sure he knew if he was aware of what he was saying or not.
Jo held onto him as if she could keep him there with her just by gripping him tighter in her arms. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against his. But it was only a matter of seconds before it happened. A breath left his lips but was not followed by another and he felt a little heavier in her arms.
She took a breath but before it could even leave her mouth again as a sob to mourn his passing...he was gone. She nearly fell on her face as his weight was suddenly lifted from her lap. She lurched forward, his body that she had been leaning over, now gone. She looked down at her hands, there was still blood on them but Henry, and every other sign of him, was gone. She looked around quickly but he was nowhere to be found. Had it not for the evidence on her hands she would have thought she'd dreamed the whole thing up. She got off the ground rather clumsily and ran as fast she could back to her car.
Jo honesty didn't remember the drive to the river at all. In her mind she had been getting in the car and the next second she was arriving at the river bank. Somehow she had managed to remember the location that had been on the police report when Henry had been arrested for skinny dipping but she'd done it all on auto pilot. Neither the details nor anything else mattered; only the mad hope she held on to that Henry could somehow still be alive.
It was so bizarre. How did these two events connect? He'd told her that when he died he came back but what did that have to do with his arrest for skinny dipping? It was then that she had to wonder: did that mean that Henry had actually died that night too? That thought hit her with a new wave of horror. Hadn't she known that something was wrong with him the next morning? He had been acting strange which would be expected of someone who had just been arrested for skinny dipping but he hadn't just been acting strange; he had been upset too. She'd asked him about it and he hadn't wanted to talk about it but now she knew that this had to be the cause. Just like so many of the questions she'd had about him it all made sense now.
Of course another thing she had to wonder about was her own sanity. None of this should make sense. She might find that she had entirely lost it. She would admit that she'd been in denial of it all really. She didn't feel as if she didn't believe Henry exactly. She didn't think he was lying to her it was just that she still hadn't been quite been ready to accept his strange life of his. She had told herself she was only taking time to process it before they talked about it again. She knew he must be waiting on her to bring it up but she hadn't. She had been working to deal with it all but it had started to feel like avoidance. Now she wished she had talked with him about it more.
As soon as the car was stopped and parked she jumped out and ran to the bank. She felt silly but just the hope that Henry might still alive was enough to make her do pretty much anything at the moment. She guessed she hadn't really believed him when he'd said he couldn't die because she had really thought she was going to lose him. She staggered around searching for Henry and tears started to fill her eyes again when she didn't see him right away. What would she do if he wasn't here? How could she survive it if he really didn't come back to life like he claimed?
"Jo?" she heard that familiar voice call her name and she turned and there was Henry. He was alive! He was dressed in a sweatshirt and pants and an old ratted coat and his head was dripping wet but he was not bent over and bleeding with a fatal wound. He was standing there as if he had never been harmed, well again, and alive.
She ran at him and hit him with unnecessarily hard force. "Henry!" She practically clawed at his back as she grabbed onto him, clinging to him, making sure he was real. "Henry! You're here Henry!"
She was so relieved she felt like crying with joy. Henry was here; she hadn't lost him. It was true. Everything he had told her was true. He couldn't stay dead. He died and came back to life. He wasn't crazy. She wasn't crazy. It was all real.
She didn't know how it could be true but she didn't even care at this moment. She was so overjoyed to have him with her she didn't even care how it could be possible. Whatever caused this to happen had saved her from having to say goodbye to him tonight. And she couldn't be more grateful for that.
"Are you alright?" she asked still pressed against him.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, though he voice sounded heavy and tired.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I guess…I didn't think that this was actually possible. I'm sorry. I thought I was going to lose you."
"It's alright," he said his arms tightened around her. "It's all alright now."
Jo burrowed her face against his shoulder but pulled back only slightly to look at him. "What's that smell?" she asked. She noticed the clothes he was wearing again. It was strange for him to have changed and he was wet. Had he been in the river? Where were his other clothes?
"Oh, uh, it's me. These clothes," he said looking down at himself, embarrassed. After Abe had died, Henry had stashed some clothes near the river. He hadn't known if he would have anyone to come and pick him up in the event of a death so he had tried to be prepared. "I had to hide them somewhere they wouldn't be found. Don't really want to think about where they were."
Jo wasn't quite sure what to make of that. Any other day it would have been funny. The usually well-dressed Henry in tattered, dirty, quite smelly clothes if Henry didn't look so upset. He looked so troubled for a minute that Jo thought he was going to start crying.
"It's alright," she said quickly. "Let's get you home and you can get cleaned up," she said wrapping an arm around his shoulder and leading him back to the car.
They drove for a while in silence. Jo's mind was going a million miles an hour. She didn't even know where she would even start if she spoke. What did someone even say to a person who had just died? There was obviously no precedent for that. She could hardly believe all was going on around her. Henry died in her arms, but Henry came back to life and now Henry was sitting next to her in this car, alive. She had seen some pretty strange things in her life. But she could say without a doubt that this was the weirdest night of her life.
Henry was the one to speak first. "You're quiet," he said tentatively. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," Jo said quickly, almost manically and it was quite clear she wasn't. But he understood at least that she needed a moment before she could talk about it.
"Well, thank you for coming for me."
"No problem," she said. It was meant to sound carefree but it didn't sound that way at all.
They drove the rest of the way back to Henry's in silence. Jo followed Henry in and all the way up to his apartment. When they got into the living room, he turned and looked at her, looking unsure of what to do. "I, uh, I'm going to get cleaned up."
"Yeah. Sure," Jo said nodding. She glanced down at herself and her gaze froze. Henry's eyes also followed to see what she was looking at. There was still blood on her shirt and pants. It was undeniable proof that Henry had died, still there in front of them, not allowing them to forget about what had happened. She'd been walking around in a daze since Henry had died and come back, all of it too extraordinary to seem real, but this evidence brought hard reality and clarity to her situation. They were both silent staring at the stains before Henry finally spoke.
"I'll- I'll get you some clean clothes," he said his tone still heavy.
Jo was relieved. She suddenly felt desperate to get these clothes off. She had been so caught up in the events of Henry's death she hadn't really stopped to think about it. Now that it was still and quiet she was having to face the grim reality of it. She had been so relieved to find that he was alive, that he really did come back to life, that she'd forgotten the horror of losing him. Until now.
She stood awkwardly waiting until Henry returned. It didn't take long before he reappeared with a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. "They'll be a bit big," he said as he handed them to her.
"That's fine," she said quickly taking them from him. The clothes were clean but they still smelled like him. In the back of her mind she found it interesting that he owned such casual clothes. She would have never guessed that he did. Had her mind not been so occupied by heavier thoughts she probably would have made a funny comment about it. But not tonight.
"Thank you," she remembered to add.
"Well, you know where the bathroom is", he said gesturing in that direction. "I'm just going to clean myself up."
"Alright," she said nodding and they parted ways.
When Jo got into the bathroom she went straight to the sink. She had wiped her hands off after Henry had disappeared but she hadn't been able to get all of the blood off them. She now had blood, Henry's blood, dried to her palms. She scrubbed her hands more roughly than was necessary and dug under her nails under water that was hotter than it needed to be, desperate to get rid of it. She washed her hands three times before she could make herself stop.
She took off her shirt and pants and threw them straight in the trash can. She knew she could salvage them if she really tried but she also knew she would never want to wear those clothes again. Not when they were the clothes she'd been wearing while she'd held Henry as he had died.
She was at least clean now but she still felt far from put together. The evidence of Henry's death was gone but that didn't remove it from her mind. She gripped the side of the sink and took several deep breaths as the panic attempted to take hold of her again. She felt as if she were in a paradox that was shifting back and forth leaving her dizzy and unable to right herself. She could still feel the weight of Henry in her arms the moment he had died. She could still remember the sound of his last breath. He had died and she had lost him. But it had only been briefly. He was still here, she reminded herself, that hadn't been the end of it. She hoped that telling herself that would keep grief away. She took some of the fabric of the shirt she was wearing and held it to her nose. It still smelled like him and she breathed in deep, using the closeness of it to ground her. He was still here, she told herself again.
But even though the reality that he was still with her was sinking in better that did not fight off the grief of losing him. She still felt that, like it still needed to be acknowledged in even though he had come back to her after the fact. It felt like she still needed to mourn for him even though her mind told her that he was just in the other room. She had felt the need to grieve before so she knew it couldn't be ignored. She had tried that before and she knew it didn't work. But this time was different than other times, wasn't it? How could she mourn Henry when he was still here? It was all so terribly confusing. She wondered briefly if she was only being dramatic. This was so new to her but maybe she shouldn't have so many feelings about it. She didn't know how to make sense of it. The only thing she really knew was that she just wanted to be with him right now.
When Jo left the bathroom and walked into the living the room Henry wasn't there yet so she sat on the couch waiting anxiously for him. She started to shiver, only partly out of the cold, and she pulled her knees up, hugging her legs against herself. The miracle that Henry was still alive was so unbelievable she almost expected him to just disappear again. She couldn't rest until she had proof that he hadn't. She also knew that spending time with him was the only thing that was going to make any of this better.
She let out an audible sigh when he finally walked into the room. He had changed his clothes, looking much more like himself in pants and a button down shirt. His hair was still wet but he smelled strongly of soap so she knew that he had taken a shower. He looked so good and she felt a strong sense of longing just looking at him. She was so eager for him just to come and sit with her on the couch that she had to refrain herself from reaching out and pulling on him when he didn't immediately come over to her. She wasn't normally so clinging. But then again she'd never had to watch him die either.
He looked like he didn't quite know what to do. He stood, kind of restless, a few feet away from her. Even though she knew what she wanted to do, this was her first time experiencing this so she didn't know what he expected. She was looking to him to lead but he looked like he didn't know what to do. She would have thought he'd have been used to this but he didn't seem that way at all.
He noticed she was shivering slightly. "I'll make us some coffee?" he offered.
"Alright," she agreed even though she hadn't really wanted him to because he had to leave the room to make the coffee and that was the last thing she wanted. But again she felt that maybe she was only being melodramatic about this. Maybe his death shouldn't bother her at all because he was still alive. And she wanted to be helpful, to be what he needed in this situation. She didn't know how she was supposed to handle this but she wanted to be strong enough to handle this.
He came back soon with two mugs. "Thank you," she said taking one when he handed it to her.
He sat down next to her, leaving only a couple of inches of space between them. She had to force herself not to close the small distance, surprised herself at how affectionate she was feeling this evening. He gave her a nervous smile which she managed to return before they both fell into silence. They sat there for a long time just staring down into their mugs. She had no idea what to say what to say. But she was relieved to be next him.
"Tell me how you're feeling?" he finally asked after several minutes had passed. He really didn't like the silence. Every minute that passed only left him dreaming up more terrible scenarios of what might be going through Jo's head. He was afraid that even with everything he had already told her and everything she had said she accepted, that this would be the night when everything changed. He knew that until now she hadn't really believed everything he had told her. She'd been avoiding it, running from it. Even though he had told her he couldn't die, it hadn't been real until now, when she'd seen him come back after dying. Now she would have to face it as fact. Now she couldn't deny it any longer. Unless she were to deny him. He was suddenly terrified that he was going to lose her.
Jo looked down into the coffee mug in her hands and looked thoughtful. "I, uh, I'm not really sure. I don't really know how I'm feeling."
"That's understandable," he said trying to remain calm. It had been nearly sixty years since he'd had this discussion with anyone and he'd only ever had it a few times in his long life. It was never easy and time pasted since the last time he had done it had not helped it be any easier. He'd had this conversation before but every time it was like the first time; he never knew what to say and he never knew how each person would take it. "But are you...alright?"
"What?" she asked finally looking at him, disbelief on her face.
His nervousness only increased under her stare. He was sure that he had said the wrong thing already. How could he have messed up so soon in the conversation? "I, I asked if you were alright. You seem like you might not be."
"Am I alright? Am I alright?"
"Yes," he said, desperate to know how she was feeling.
"You're asking me if I'm alright, when you're the one who...who..." her voice trailed off and she stopped. She couldn't bear to say it. His expression for her was so concerned and on top of everything it nearly sent her over the edge.
Henry noticed the expression on Jo's face and he was starting to realize what she must be feeling. He had seen this reaction before and it was not the one he always feared. "Jo, what is it?" he asked gently.
"Henry," she said looking at him, tears already in her eyes, struggling to know what to what to say.
He put his hands on her shoulders, and rubbed them slightly. "It's alright to feel whatever you are feeling right now. You do whatever you need to. I'll try to make this as easy as I can."
"You died," she cried. "You actually died."
Voicing the words finally sent her over the edge. She started to sob, her whole body shaking with them. She hadn't wanted to do this. She wanted to handle this better, to be strong enough to deal with this. She knew, logically, that there was no reason for all of this when Henry was right there but that didn't stop the feelings she had and they overtook her. He took the mug out of her hands and set it on the table and pulled her into his arms. She rushed into his embrace, allowing his arms to hold her tight against him as she leaned against his chest and cried. His touch was so understanding and comforting and he didn't say a word as she cried.
She wanted the doubts to go away. She wanted the grief and sorrow to go away. She wanted to be able to forget what it felt like to lose him. She knew the doubts would go away. It wouldn't take long before her doubts that he was still alive fade. Just feeling his heart beat against her face was enough to send those lies away. And she knew that the grief and sorrow would go away too. The safety of resting in his arms was already healing her of that. But the knowledge of what it feels like to lose him, she knows that won't fade. She can never forget what it felt like to lose him. That's a burden she'll always carry with her. Death had a way of doing that. Even if it didn't stick she supposed.
Another thing that won't fade is how much losing him made her realize how much she loved and needed him. But that was something she was not completely sure she wanted to go away. Her love for him, her dependence on him, had surely been there for a while now. It wasn't as if they just appeared suddenly when he died. It was just that his death had made her aware of it. She hadn't known they were there until she couldn't ignore them anymore. Something had changed; she wasn't sure exactly what but was definitely there.
It felt so good to have his arms around her and she found herself getting greedy for more. She shifted a little so that she was a little closer against his side. She scrunched up so much and he was holding her so tight she was nearly in his lap. She pulled her arms from in between them and wrapped them around him, moving one of her hands around the back of his neck and pulling in down so she could bury her face there. His neck was so warm and she could feel his pulse and he was so alive. She was so grateful for it all she couldn't stop herself from kissing him there a few times.
She worried she had gone too far, that she had allowed her emotions to get the best of her, when she felt him stiffen acknowledging the touch. But it was only a few seconds before he melted against her and his arms around her back slightly to hold her even closer. She felt him rest his face against her shoulder and thread one on his hands up into the hair at the back of her head.
As she sought a little more comfort from him he allowed himself to get more from her. The tears she was crying were because of him. Those sobs were for him. She was mourning for him. It all broke through the wall he'd put up to help him stay strong and not get too emotional about his death. He could feel she cared about him. He drew on that and the feel of her body against him to help alleviate the effects of his death. He allowed her presence to chase away the fear and anxiety and sadness that always lay upon him following a death.
It had been a very long time since he'd had someone to help him like this, someone to mourn with him over his death. It was always so heavy but he shouldered it all mostly on his own. It felt so good to have someone share it with him and he was so glad he had her there with him. This time the memories of the fear and pain and suffering of his death, and the memories of the darkness before his reawakening in the river, they all didn't seem as daunting with her here to help him. He was pretty sure now that she wasn't going to leave him and he was so glad because he needed this and he always wanted to have it.
"I really thought I was going to lose you," she whispered, still holding onto him but the sobs had calmed down enough for talking. "I'm sorry I had doubts."
She could feel him running his fingers through her hair, trying to sooth her even before he spoke. "Shh," he murmured. "Don't worry about that anymore. You were there when I needed you...that's all that matters to me. I'm just sorry you had to see that. I really didn't want you to have to."
"It's alright, now," she said. But it was so easy to remember that for a brief but long stretch of time, it hadn't been alright. One of her hands went down to rest on his stomach, reaching for the place where the fatal wound had been.
He must have known what her thoughts were and what it was that she was wondering. He pulled back slightly and she reluctantly loosened her own grip a bit. He unbuttoned his shirt and opened it slightly so she could see the place she'd had her hand upon.
Jo looked down at his stomach where the stab wound had been. She still expected it to be there. Even though he hadn't died she would have expected a scar at least. But it was gone without any trace like nothing had ever happened.
"It's alright," he said quietly and nodded, giving her permission.
Jo reached out a hand and placed it on his stomach right where the wound had been. The place that she had held her hand over less than an hour ago, trying in vain to stop the blood that flowed out of the hole there, was now smooth and flawless.
"Henry," she said disbelief in her voice as she stared at it. "How can this be?"
"I wish I knew. But I know nothing more about it than what I've already told you."
"It's just gone…like nothing ever happened," she says still shaking her head in disbelief. "Does it hurt?" she asked looking up in his eyes.
"No," he says shaking his head.
"I thought there would be a mark at least."
"None of them ever leave a mark. Except for the first one. That was the gunshot wound on my chest."
She remembered seeing the wound and him telling her he'd been shot. She looked up slowly to his chest where she knew it was. She reached up to pull back his shirt from that spot and when he didn't resist she pushed it back to reveal the damaged skin. It looked terrible, like it must have been an excruciating wound. Even just the scar looks as though it would hurt but he didn't flinch when she touched it lightly with her finger. She made a mental note to ask him about that later, wondering what the story behind it was.
Jo could hear his breaths coming out shaky just as her had been. She didn't know what he was thinking but the moment felt extremely charged and very emotional. As much as it was for her, it must be even more so for him. She was compelled her to set aside her own tears and think about what he was going through.
She was also aware of how much they were touching and how intense and intimate things felt between them. She wasn't used to seeing this much of him. After being so closed off to her for so long, it was strange to see him open up so much in such a short amount of time. She was pretty sure that he would let her see as much as she wanted; she could almost feel how desperate he was just to let someone in. She knew it had been a long time since he had been able to do that. Though she wanted to know more doing so right now feel like too much of an invasion so she forced herself to draw the line.
"I'm sorry," she said as she pushed his shirt together and pulled back slightly, looking down into her lap.
"Why are you apologizing?"
"For getting so upset."
He handed her a handkerchief from his pocket. "It's fine. Death is a hard thing to experience and you don't have to apologize for your response to it," he said as he buttoned his shirt again. The handkerchief was new and she somehow knew that he had brought it especially for her. He expected her to react this way and she felt a little better realizing that. She hadn't known what he had expected her but now that she knew he had thought it would be upsetting she felt better.
"But are you…alright? Listen to me," she said shaking her head frustrated as she dried her eyes. "Of course you're not alright; you just died."
Henry reached and took her hand in his. "I'm fine now. Really," he said reassuringly. "But you aren't, are you?"
She looked down and swallowed before she spoke. "It shouldn't bother me, right?" she said looking up at him, searching for guidance. Her eyes still sparkled with tears. "I mean...it's silly. You're sitting right there in front of me. You're not dead...but..."
Henry took her hand "It's okay," he said encouraging her.
"Why does it still bother me?' she asked."You're right here...and yet I can't get rid of that feeling of loss. I still feel the grief of it."
"It's been my experience, over the years, that just because the staying dead isn't real doesn't mean the dying isn't very real. Everything it brings with it; that's all still real."
"So it does hurt? You feel the pain and all of that even though you come back?"
"Yes," he admitted. "I come back and, physically, I'm healed but I still experience every one of those deaths. I still remember them; the fear, the pain…" he said his voice trailing off.
"It must be terrible," she said and she found herself putting a hand to his face.
He smiled, humorlessly. "It's not that great," he admitted. "But it's a lot easier when I have someone here with me," he said looking into her eyes and putting a hand over the one she rested on his face.
"How many times have you had to do that?"
"I don't know. I could if I really thought about it but I don't really want to know."
"And you did it again. For me," she said touched that he would endure that for her.
"Yes," he said with conviction. "And it was the right decision. I would do it again in an instant if it meant saving you."
Jo flushed at his words and had to look down. "You shouldn't have to go through that," she said trying to shake it off.
"Jo, being able to protect you, or anyone else, to exchange my life for someone else's is the only time that my condition feels like a blessing and not a curse."
She hadn't yet stopped to think about what all of this must be like for Henry. He felt it was a curse? Why did he feel that way? What made him seem so sad when he talked about something that most people would probably say they wanted?
Henry noted her silence and for a moment he was worried he'd said too much. He wasn't used to being able to be honest and he realized it was going to take him a while to find a balance. He didn't realize that he misunderstood her silence.
"You think it's...a curse?" she asked in disbelief.
"Well...yeah. Don't you?"
Henry looked at her, still expecting to see some revulsion in the way she looked at him. Now that she could see him for what he really was, wouldn't she see that it was going to be terrible?
"No," she said certainly, shaking her head.
He couldn't help but ask. "Why?"
"Henry," she said shaking her head a little, like she couldn't believe him at times. "If it weren't for this, whatever this is...you'd be gone right now. I'd have had to bury you," she said, her voice catching on the last word.
"Yeah," he agreed, still not seeing where she was going with this. Rejection was always a threat just lurking around the corner for Henry. He hadn't noted the look the awe and gratefulness on her face yet.
"So, if this is the only way that I still get to have you here with me...how in the world could I be anything but thankful for this?"
"I'm never going to get any older; I'm never going to die," he said, trying to make her see where the problem lay.
"And I'm never going to have to say goodbye to you."
Henry stopped and looked down. He'd been so sure that Jo would reject him. He didn't think she would believe him. He'd always thought she wouldn't accept this. He didn't know how much the fear of that had weighed down on him until this moment when it was coming off of him. The weight of it lifting off of him left him weak.
Jo not only believed and accepted the way he was. She was glad he was this way. He wasn't going to lose her. He was actually able to be honest with her. He did not know how much he had yearned for that, how much he had actually needed to be accepted.
"You're crying," Jo said realizing why he was looking down.
"No, I'm not," he said defending himself without really thinking about. Now that she'd said he realized that he was.
"Yes you are," she said gently, taking a hand to lift his chin up. "What is it?"
"It's just…I thought I was going to lose you. I thought that, once you found out it really was true that, it just might be too much."
"Lose me, why did you think that?"
"When you found out, I thought…you wouldn't want me anymore," he admitted, allowing himself to be vulnerable, more than he had been in a very long time. Complete honesty was a foreign thing to him. Even though he found it terrifying, it was also really good.
"You thought I was going to leave you?"
"Yes," he admitted, like it was a dark secret.
Once again, Jo remembered how Abe had told her that Henry had been betrayed in the past. "Why is that?" she asked, inviting him to talk about it.
"It's a long story."
"I'm sure you have a few of those," she said smiling at him.
"Just a few," he said, a smile coming to his own face.
"I look forward to hearing them."
"I look forward to telling you."
A comfortable silence fell between them, for the first that night. "So, you're really alright with all of this?" Henry asked after they had both been thinking for a while.
"Alright with…what? You being immortal?"
"Yeah?"
She paused a moment then nodded. "Yeah," she said like it was something ordinary and every day she was agreeing to.
"I can't promise that it will easy sharing this secret with me."
"Who needs things to be easy?"
"Sounds like something Abe would have said," he said with a smile, even if there was a hint of sadness in it.
"Well, great minds think alike."
"He was always telling me that I could trust you. He couldn't have been more right about something. I should have listened to him. "
"Yes, you really should have" she agreed, with a fake stern face before it turned into a kind one again. "We're partners. Same as always. There is nothing that's going to change that."
"Yeah," he said smiling. "You're right."
And for the first time, Henry believed it himself.
This was going to be the end but it seems my muse thought there needed to be an afterward. So there will be one more chapter where we check in on Henry and Jo one last time. That is steadily growing too but it should be up in a few days.