Author's notes: Serious M content now, M/M Rape ahead, don't like/too young, then just skip to the next chapter!

Dean and Sam picked themselves up, they scanned their location. It was a short hall of some grimy hotel, the carpet sticky and the obscure paintings on the wall just depressed the tone further. There were only two doors though, one each side of them, one door with a rusting plate that said Dean and the other Sam.

They looked at each other then back to the doors. "We could both go through one door?" As soon as Dean said that they heard both doors bolt.

"I guess not then."

"Let's just get this over with." They turned to face their rooms. The door swung open as soon as they touched the handles. They stepped in and each were struck by their surge of memories.

Sam fell to the floor overwhelmed by every memory of his father. Dean was thrown back to the wall his mind penetrated with thoughts of Cas. Sam opened his eyes, he was in one of the houses they stayed in for a while when he was about 10. He smiled at the nostalgia. He heard the front door click and his Dad emerged. Sam ran to hug him but with a sweeping motion John flung his 10 year old son against the wall.

"What the hell do you think you're doing you little shit?"

Sam brushed himself off.

"How dare you touch me, you filthy demon child. You're not part of this family. Dean is waiting in the car, we're leaving we can't be around you anymore."

"No, Dad?"

"Don't you speak to me!" He smacked Sam across the cheek. "It's all your fault. You're nothing but a burden. You killed your mother. My wife! Because of you she was slaughtered. Then you were such a burden to your brother. He was the only one that stopped me from killing you right there and then. Think of how better everyone would have been without you. But he convinced me to let you live. Yet, how do you thank him? You abandon him and run off to law school."

"Stop, Dad."

"Fat lot of good that did, you murdered your girlfriend. Sweet little Jess. So much like your Mother, is that why you burned her?"

"No, no I didn't it was Yello..."

"IT WAS YOU SAM! You know it was you. You are so lucky you got me killed before I could see what a monster you turned in to. Just as I expected. Your demon blood fetish. How could you Sam."

"I..."

"You betrayed every hunter out there, you destroyed the Winchesters name and you destroyed Dean."

Sam slid down to the floor, held up in a corner, unable to look at his father.

"Everyone who cares for you, you destroy without a second thought, and just pass it off that it was for the greater good, that you are better than everyone else. That's why you enjoyed not having a soul so much, didn't you! It's because you're not human. You never truly had a soul; you're just a cheap imitation of life. Otherwise you would have ended it a long time ago. If only you could face your past but your cant because you're a coward. Dean doesn't need you, he pities you, you're a burden. He has to have you around to make sure you don't do something stupid again. You are nothing."

Sam had pulled his knees up to his chin.

"You are nothing. You claim to be better than the demons you hunt but you're the monster. You're the freak. You're nothing but Lucifer's vessel and you are not my son." John spat on Sam's shoe. John had turned to walk away but Sam found his voice.

"And you're not my father."

John started laughing, he slowly turned around. "I am John's thoughts manifested. Anything he thought about you here I am."

"But you're not every thought.

He was still smiling but his eyes were unusually dark; "You think so?"

"Our father was a good man."

"To Dean, yes."

"To both of us."

"Then why did you run from me."

"I was young, I didn't understand. But Dad did, and he still wanted to keep me around."

"So he could be the first to kill you."

"He loved us both." Sam was standing now. "He was a great man with a great burden. But I am not ashamed anymore and neither was he. I may not be the hero he was but I am not the evil you claim."

John was scowling now. "He didn't want anything to do with you; he forced Dean to deal with you instead. He hated you."

"No, I used to think so, but he did everything to protect us. We had a difficult relationship but we loved each other and I would never choose to forget anything he did for me."

John started to roar.

"He died for us and I would have died for him."

John stormed forward fist raised, just before he could back hand him John exploded in to nothing and a recognisable father stood in front of him, with a warm smile and soft eyes. "Thank you, son."

Before Sam could reach the man he was pulled back into the hallway and his door vanished.

He was back to his normal age and abnormal height, he still remembered everything about his Dad and he smiled to himself, but it soon faded when Dean hadn't emerged.

He tried the door but was unable to force it.

"Sam." He whipped round to the voice; Cas was standing a little too close as usual.

"Cas, oh thank... are you ok?"

"Dean needs your help."

He turned back to the door; "But I can't get in."

"I can hold the door open for a few seconds."

"Ok, do it." He turned ready to force himself in.

"Wait, Sam." He put a hand on his shoulder and turned him round. "I can't go in with you; he will be seeing me so I can't interrupt that. And I need you too..."

"What?"

"What you're going to see, it's going to be hard to watch, but Dean needs to get through it."

"...Ok"

"He has the option to forget or remember me. He has to make the decision, if he doesn't he will be stuck in this loop. You have to help him to choose."

"How do I help him choose to remember you?"

"It might be better if he forgot me."

"Ca..."

Castiel was contorted in sadness; it seemed so strange to see the normally impassive Cas react so emotionally. "I'm sorry for what you're about to see Sam. Please forgive me."

Dean picked himself up, he felt so full of Cas he couldn't believe he didn't notice how empty he felt before. He looked around and he was standing outside Vegas, he had taken Cas, ever since the strip club he wanted to show Cas what else he could experience, for Cas' benefit but also because it was freaking hilarious. And knowing he was influencing an Angel made it that much sweeter. They had had a really good night and Cas was surprisingly good at poker, he had accidently insulted a few waitresses and they were feeding each other drinks most of the night. He felt Cas supporting his weight as they stumbled out of the Casino for a bit of air. It was like he was watching it play out behind his own eyes with no control of his body, silently an observer. "Oh God Cas, this was a riot we should do this every weekend."

"I don't think your liver could handle this much abuse every weekend."

"Meh, it's seen worse."

He felt the cool metal under his legs as Cas laid him on the hood of the Impala, then took a spot next to him. They laid side by side staring up at the sky. The stars seemed closer than usual. "You know, my Mum always used to say each star was an angel watching over us. And even during the day when you couldn't see them, you know they were always there, watching."

"I was Dean."

Dean turned a heavy swimming head to look at Cas who was staring back intensely. Dean laughed and brushed the statement off.

"Why can't you see how deserving you are, instead you just push people away."

Dean forced a laugh trying to change the subject. "Don't get all mushy on me Cas; I get enough of that from Sam. " He shoved Cas playfully but instead the force almost made Dean slip off the hood. Cas caught him and hauled him back up but didn't release his hand.

"I'm serious Dean." His look was so intense and penetrating it made Dean feel like his veins were pumping fire. "You are always the reason Dean."

Their faces were so close Dean barely had to move to kiss Cas. Cas' eyes were wide in shock before he sunk into it and returned the kiss deep, heavy and a little innocent, like he knew the procedure but never got the practice. And just like that present Dean was forced into his body, no longer an observer. He felt the warmth of the Angel, he felt so safe, so at home and comfortable. But he pulled back. Cas' eyes flickered open revealing completely blown out pupils, so dark and the look he was giving Dean, so possessive and powerful sometimes you forget Cas is a supernatural being of God but right now Dean could feel the air pulsing with power. It made him release a throaty growl and pounced on Cas again. It was another few minutes before Dean pulled back for air and had time to clear his head; "Cas, wait stop." But Cas was nipping Dean's neck and it was making it harder to speak in coherent sentences: "I don't think this is a good idea, not right now anyway. I think the booze and that has just screwed us up a little...ahh!" Cas had found the sensitive spot behind his ear. "No. Cas please." But Cas' nibbles were turning into bites and his touches were now bruising.

Dean tried to slow him down but Cas grabbed his hands and forced him to drop on to his back, he held his hands above his head as his mouth carried on their route round his neck. With the other hand he tore apart Dean's shirt and it fell to the floor. "Cas, stop." He tried to get up but it felt like he had the strength of ten men pinning him down. Dean started to panic but Cas was just getting more feral.

Cas removed his hands, Dean tries to wriggle free but invisible bonds were holding him in place. "Cas let me go!"

Cas was either ignoring him or too far gone to hear him. He was working on Dean's belt while biting a nipple. Dean arched his back, an internal struggle between body and mind.

Cas pulled off his jeans "Cas! Listen to me." But Cas was admiring the sight, this beautiful damaged man semi naked on his equally beautiful and damaged car, just for him. Dean's hardened member stood, throbbing at the loss of contact. Cas stroked through the fabric and Dean's eyes rolled back as he breathed his name. But the sudden cool air to his cock and the cold metal pressing under his ass brought Dean back. "CAS! Don't do this." Cas was hitching one of Dean's legs over his shoulder. Dean was getting frantic but his begs to Cas were going unheard. "Please Cas, don't...please." It was basically a whisper now but Cas looked for a second Dean saw his friend. "I'm sorry." Then with no more hesitation, forced his cock into Dean. Cas groaned at the tightness surrounding him, the warmth and the satisfaction of finally being a part of Dean. Dean moaned at the little lubrication and the alien sensation. His insides felt blistered and bruised. He looked at Cas who appeared to be fighting himself not to move. But it wasn't long enough for Dean before Cas was thrusting in and out gaining speed. With each pull it got easier though, Dean figured it must be the blood.

Sam dropped into this scene. He saw what was happening and the pain on both of their faces. He was too shocked to move.

Dean felt like he was going to throw up, he felt sick at the fact Cas could do this to him and sick at the fact he was enjoying it. Cas had lent in, his mouth was so gentle on his neck but the rest of him was so wanton and needy like he had no control. Cas' stomach was now moving against his painfully hard and unattended dick creating beautiful friction. He wasn't going to last long and judging by Cas' frantic thrusts and gasping breaths neither was he. Dean turned, tears pricking his eyes and caught his reflection in the windshield; a stranger enjoying this humiliation from his closest friend.

Cas built his speed, just as he was about to cum he placed his hand over his handprint. Dean's whole body shook with this connection, it felt like it was more than just skin they were sharing, the feeling ran so deep. He came screaming Castiel's name as Cas breathed his. Cas collapsed on top of him. Dean felt his bonds release but he remained still he just let their chests rise and fall until the comforting bliss slowly dripped away.

Cas picked himself up and slowly pulled himself out of Dean. Dean gasped at the loss, and the emptiness left behind. Cas looked like he was going to say something but couldn't look at Dean, instead he vanished.

When he did the final memory came back. That this was the memory. Dean slid off the car, his back painted red with blisters. He sat against the tyre with his jacket wrapped around him shaking.

Sam cautiously approached. It wasn't till Sam placed a hand on Dean that he even realised he was there. Dean flinched violently when Sam touched him.

"Sam? Why...you weren't here last time."

"No, I'm here to help."

"Did you...did you see any of that?"

"Yes."

Dean looked at Sam with red watered eyes. He buried his face in his arms. Sam moved round so he was squatting in front of him. He could see the puddle of blood pooling on the floor. This was too much for Sam, he had never seen his brother this vulnerable. He held on to Dean's elbows Dean sniffed and looked up to his brother.

He struggled to find any words that could comfort him: "Dean, this isn't real you need..."

"Not real!" Dean exploded. "You go through this and tell me it's not real."

"I mean, I know it feels real, but don't forget were on still on the Tardis."

Dean nodded "You need to make a choice. To remember or forget. Or you're going to be stuck in this loop."

"I can't Sam." He dropped his head again.

"Dean you are stronger than this, think about all we have faced together."

"I can't choose...How can I? I can't forget Cas, all he has done for us, all he is. I loved him Sam, but how can I live knowing he did this."

Sam realised how this must have been sitting on Dean, carrying this alone for so long, no wonder he was on kamikaze missions on the jobs and then how much better he was when he didn't remember Cas.

"I can't make the decision for you. But whatever you pick you will still be the strongest person I know and I wish you felt you could have told me about this."

Dean smiled sadly: "Sammy, how could I, how could I explain something I don't understand."

"It's ok Dean. Just, just choose ok."

Dean closed his eyes he focused on Cas. All the memories flowed through him, the good and the bad. They woke on the floor of the Tardis.

Sam sat up slightly too fast that his head swam. He clambered over to Dean and helped him sit up. Sam stared at him expectantly

"You alright?"

"Yeah..." Sam frowned.

Dean raised an eyebrow and stood up to see John and Sherlock mouths slightly ajar just staring silently.

"Dean?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you remember anything that just happened?"

"Yeah I tripped and hit my head? Why?"

Sam's head dropped in disappointment. Dean punched him in the arm. "Hey, asshole you said you didn't mind what I picked."

Sam looked at his smiling brother. "You mean? You remember?"

"Of course I do jackass. Where is he? I need to talk to him"

"Oh you can't he's gone. An Angel from your world is never going to be able to cross the gaps of the universe for too long. I hope you said your goodbyes."

Dean stopped dead. His lungs emptied. 'Cas was gone?'

But The Doctor had already moved on: "Hmm, I bet John's feeling a bit left out."

"No don't." John backed up knowing what was about to happen.

Sherlock stepped in front of him: "DON'T YOU DARE!"

"Hey Sherlock. Catch." The doctor clicked his fingers and John lost consciousness, Sherlock caught the man before he hit the floor, propped him in his lap as the screen flicked back to 221B.