So, this chapter was a little difficult to write because it's a bit different from my usual genre.
I hope I did well... Let me know what you think.

Leliana's POV

Enjoy

I found myself leaned against the balcony, the one that faced the small garden of the castle, behind me the room I so rarely used during all those months I spent in Skyhold.

How my legs managed to bring me up there, I don't know, especially since the only thing that seemed to be my only companion, after I received the letter not even ten minutes before, was the constant frightening feeling that continued to increase from deep inside me, spreading across my limbs and making them tremble, absorbing every ounce of strenght from my body, leaving me drained, breathless and ...empty.

I looked at the small envelope that I was holding, feeling it heavier in my hands with every passing second.

I needed a quiet and reserved area respect the bustle that I could still hear coming from the main entrance, where the party was continuing, I needed a place where I could think and try to recollect myself, even if the last one seemed to be a task impossible to accomplish.

The hiss of the wind was a gentle touch that caressed my cheeks and that helped me to ease my breathing with the tipical freshness of the early morning air.

I closed my eyes inhaling deeply, forcing that refreshing air into my exhausted lungs.
That helped me immediately and for a second I thought that I could have handled this without shattering into pieces once again. But when I opened my eyes, looking at the sky, painted with a soft blue, the same shade of blue of a gaze that always managed to make me feel a better person than who I really was, I couldn't stop my lower lip to tremble as I pictured my lover once again inside of my mind.

I kept looking over the fortress, meeting the sight of the magnificent mountains that were visible all around and that seemed to go on for days and days as if they were endless. And with that thought in mind, a new sensation pushed past the storm that was still running through every fiber of my being as I wondered

How much time have we spent away from each other?

How many nights did I wake up reaching out a hand towards the other side of the bed looking for your presence?

Endless.

Because even if I still remembered perfectly her face and the way her eyes always lit up when she smiled at me, and even if I still shivered with delight whenever I thought about the effect her touch had on my skin, I knew that those memories weren't going to be enough for me any longer.

I breathed out shakily, as my gaze landed on my hand, the one that was probably holding all the answers to the questions that were still running through my head, driving me mad even if, at the same time, a great part of me was terrified of what I would have found out opening that small envelope.

I shook my head at that, letting out a short laugh.

I was a spy.

Read and send letters was a great part of my job.
To collect secrets above secrets that could have made entire empires tremble, starting a war only snapping my fingers if I wanted to.

And there I was, pratically falling apart, too afraid to read a letter that probably held either the most beautiful news I could've ever hoped for, or... The worst. The one that had me worried day and night constantly.
The one that I've always dreaded.

Because the end of the world wasn't even half frigthening as it was for me, having my loved one taken away from me.
Forever.

But I needed to know.

I had to know.

I nodded to myself, casting my gaze to the griffon's seal and running my thumb across it, following its familiar form with my touch.

I closed my eyes as I proceded to open the letter taking another deep breath and when the piece of paper was completely unfolded in front of me, I opened my eyes once again.

Even if the sun wasn't up yet, the weak blue illumination offered by the clear sky was enough for me to read. But only after the first general look, I knew that the letter wasn't written by my lover.

I would have recognized her elegant handwriting among thousands.

I frowned as I thought that this wasn't a letter coming from my lover. This was just anoth-

My dear heart,

I froze, staring at the beginning of the letter, recognizing how it started.

I heard her calling me like that infinite times, it was a term of endearment that reached deep into my soul since the first time she referred to me in that way.

All it took was that simple start and suddenly, in my mind there was no doubt. This was coming from her.
Although, I couldn't stop wondering why, a letter coming from my lover, was written by someone else.

This wasn't right. There was something really wrong about it. I could feel it into my bones as all my concern was suddenly transformed into that same old terrifying sensation. I tried to swallow it down but the lump that formed into my throat didn't allow me to.

There was no way to go back now.

I had to keep reading.

If I know you well enough, you are probably frowning right now, wondering why are you reading a letter written by someone else instead of me.

A small smile played at my lips at that as I tried to hear her calm and comforting voice into my head instead of just focusing on the written words in front of me.

But I know that lately you prefer to go straight to the point so, I won't try to play around the matter and I'll just tell you.

My body trembled with fear at what I might have read next as I was forced to lean against the balcony, steading myself before I could fall on the ground.
The next words confirmed what I was already dreading.

I didn't want to concern you my love, your task is greater than mine and I couldn't be so selfish to tell you in the last letter I sent you just a couple of months ago, but... I'm very ill, Leliana.

I closed my eyes tightly, shaking my head, wishing that what I had just read wasn't real.
This couldn't be happening. My refusal was so strong that what I had just read was immediately pushed aside by the hope that was emerging from all the fear inside me.
I managed to open my eyes again, biting my lower lip from keeping it to tremble, still conflicted between keep reading and collapsing on the ground immagining a scenario that made me lose entire nights of sleep over the years.

I've been for a long time but I didn't want to worry you. I didn't want to tell you that I've finally found a cure for the calling and that this same cure, made me weaker day after day, reducing me into a bed, unable to even write to you.

I feel ashame of myself. The remaining Wardens are fighting against Corypheus' forces in all Orlais and Ferelden and I'm here, lying in a bed, barely breathing, all because I couldn't bear to have this curse running through my veins, knowing that one day I would have to leave you in this world because of the calling.

I didn't ask for this, my love. When ten years ago Duncan came to The Circle Tower and told me that they needed Gray Wardens to fight the Blight, I didn't know what I was facing and I didn't know what my sacrifices would have been, and even if I did, at the time it didn't matter.

My life didn't matter, my destiny wasn't decided yet, but being a Gray Warden, brought me to meet you, my nightingale. Being a Gray Warden brough me the best gift I had ever received, because helping to fight the Blight and protect innocent people is something noble, a call that everyone should take to save others, but loving you and being loved by you, made me accomplish something I didn't know I could have had the strenght to face on my own.

Because you are my strenght, Leliana. It's always been you.

I know that if I had told you about my current state you would have left the Inquisition to come and stay at my side, but I can't be so selfish anymore. Your task is important, and you are a key member of the Inquisition. And if this isn't enough, I couldn't watch you worrying over my condition just like it happened after the battle with the Archdemon, when I almost died, for the gravity of my injuries.
I still remember how broken and hurt you were and how you took such great care of me, never leaving my side until I managed to rise once again on my own feet.

Those memories still hunt me, just like the nightmares of the Blight. You faced more horrors than anyone in this life and I swore, that nothing would ever happened to you again, my love. That you would never have to suffer again.

I broke that promise when I almost died that day at Fort Drakon.

And I'm afraid that I'm about to break it once again...

I'm so sorry, Leliana.

Please, don't think that my love for you isn't enough, because you are the only reason why I'm still breathing and still fighting for something that is slowly consuming me, making me disappear into nothing. But there is a part of me, a warm comforting part, that still survives.

It's the fire inside me, a flame made of love that keeps burning. A flame stronger than any other force.

An unquenchable flame, that will never leave me, that will lead me into the Fade or in the arms of the Maker, if that is the place where we will all go one day, and if I'm headed there, I promise to you, my dear heart, that I will always watch over you, just like I always have since when we were just friends and we shared those beautiful nights under the stars at camp, when you used to entertain me with your stories and I could listened to your enchanting voice for all night.

You taught me so much Leliana, not only with your knowledge, but with all your being.
I've never met a more pure and compassionate soul like the one that you possess. I've never felt for anyone else what I feel for you... And I've never knew a more gentle and caring touch than yours.

In the rare nights when a sleep without nightmares takes me, I wish I could sleep forever, because it is the only place where I can find you again. Where I can touch you, kiss you and hear the beautiful sound of your voice, and the joyful sound of your laugh.

There are so many thing that I've never told you my dear girl, things that I tought I had time for, even silly things, something that I see and simply makes me smile and the first person I think about is you.

It will always be you, Leliana. And for as long as you'll have a memory of me, of us, I'll never leave you.

I know that I failed you. And I won't ask you to forgive me, because I can't even forgive myself for all of this. For all the pain I know I'm inflicting to you... again.

But whatever happens, just know one thing...

I love you, Leliana.

In this life and in the next. In this world and beyond. Now and always.

With all my love, your Warden

I stared at the signature, the barely recognizable name written by a trembling hand.

Her trembling hand.

All my body started to shake incontrollabily as realization sunk inside me. Even if I had recognized the familiar tone used in the letter, I didn't want to believe it, I refused to believe that I had just read the letter that held my greatest fear.

But seeing that signature... That was the final comfirm, the one that shattered me into pieces.

And then, the tears that I was trying so desperately to keep at bay, ran freely over my cheeks.

Salty drops fell on the letter I was still clutching in my hands as my heart broke with every shaky breath I was trying to force inside me, but the air didn't want to reach my lungs.
When a sob escaped my lips and my lungs were finally filled with air, the pain that was running through every part of me, body and soul, was intensified beyond compare.

And at that point, a scream was ripped from my throat.

But all I heard echoing around me, was a deafening silence.