It takes the door slamming shut before I snap out of it enough to pull my shorts up. My ears are pounding, I can hear my own blood flow in my ears. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. Fuck. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to tell her on my own terms and now... And now I just probably lost the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I sit down against my bathtub and I can barely hear Santana say something over the pounding in my ears. I'm kinda glad that I can't hear it. She's probably yelling at that she never wants to see me again.
What fucking idiot I've been. I just want this morning to have never happened. I just, fuck, I wish I wasn't born with this nonsense in between my legs. Then I would've been normal and I would've been able to be someone Santana deserved to be with.
/
I think all the crying and leftover grogginess from waking up early got to me because I wake up leaned up against the tub. I get up to rinse my face off with some cold water. I could just feel the dried up tears on my face. Looking in the mirror, I see that my eyes are bloodshot and my face is just red. Fantastic.
I don't hear anything, so Santana probably finished packing all of her stuff. Poor San, packing twice in two days. Maybe she'll be able to stay at Rachel's while her apartment gets repaired.
Time to face reality. Taking in a deep breath, I open the door. I guess I have some hope that she'll be sitting on the bed, waiting for me but I know better. I don't expect her to be all right with this. I look out the door and just as I expected, empty bed. The covers on my side are still rumpled. Tears start to stream down my face and my throat starts to hurt. I need a glass of water. I grab whatever sweatpants I can from my dresser and head to the kitchen for a glass of water. Or whiskey. Whatever is easiest.
Turns out bottled water is easiest. After tripping over LT, I decide to just pass out on my couch. Maybe catch an episode of Golden Girls or whatever because I don't want to deal with this right now. I don't want to deal with anything right now.
I walk through my hallway again to get to my living-room and there she is. Santana. She's still in her workout clothes just staring at the floor, sitting on the couch.
"San," I croak out. She's still here. She's still here.
Her eyes snap up at me, her eyes are a little red around the corners. She's probably cried too. "Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice is scarily devoid of emotion. "We've been together for months. Months." My feet are frozen in place. My mouth has gone even drier than before. I open my mouth to speak but she beats me to it. I don't think anything would've come out anyway. "You should've told me, Britt-Britt." Her voice cracks at the end and she stands up.
This is it. I have to actually watch her walk out of my life now. When did I get so pathetic? I close my eyes, hoping to alleviate some of the hurt in my heart. I can hear her footsteps and instead of walking right past me, she wraps her arms around me. I was startled at first but then I instantly melted in her arms and I begin to cry.
I cry because of how Santana saw me like that this morning. I because of every time I hurt myself when I had to tuck and tape or when my shorts were too tight. I cry because of how I never got to go to a sleepover because I was too afraid of being discovered. I cry because I stopped believing my mom when she would tell me that there was nothing wrong with me. I cry because I now know that there is nothing wrong with me.
Her hold on me gets tighter and tighter. She tells me that it'll be all right in my ear. And I believe her.
I believe her.
/
I'm not sure how but eventually we end up in bed and she's softly singing to me. I love her voice. It's perfect. Just like her. My face is tucked into her neck and her arms are around me. She's still here.
She stops singing and I can feel her chest when she takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry." I instantly pull back and I can see some tears running down her face. By the look in her eyes I know I shouldn't talk yet. "I'm sorry I found out like I did. I didn't hear you in the bathroom because I still had my headphones in from when I went running. I was listening to Florence + the Machine when I found out my girlfriend had a penis. That was an experience." We both chuckle at that. She smiles through her tears and I just can't imagine a more beautiful sight. She leans in to kiss me and it's just what I needed. It's sweet and gentle and it's her comforting me. She pulls back and looks me so deeply and profoundly in the eyes. "I love you," she says and I can feel my heart skip. "I love you and it's because that I love you that I will learn how to get along with your penis."
Her face screws up a bit at that and I just laugh because I don't know what else to do. The most perfect woman in the world told me that she loves me despite of my penis.
"I love you too," comes out of my mouth before I know it. "I love you so much and I'm so very, very lucky to have met you and I am so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't know how to tell you and I was so afraid of losing you." I ramble a little but it's fine because Santana is smiling at me, her cute dimples in full display.
She tells me that it's ok, that she understands before she kisses me. "You know that there's no way I'm leaving your apartment now, right?"
This day is starting to look up after all.
/
We're both laying down on our sides facing each other, our hands intertwined. We probably looked sickeningly sweet and perhaps cliché the way we were just looking into each other's eyes.
"Don't those undies hurt you?" she looks down at my hips. "I ask because I've never noticed a bulge or anything so I'm assuming they must be pretty tight. In order to be able to … keep it down?"
I nod. "Especially if I wear them too long. They cut into my sides and sometimes they mess with my circulation. Guys wear them to work out, I think but mine have to be a couple sizes smaller in order to really hide it."
Her eyes widen, "You've worn them every single time I've slept over! Britt! Why didn't you just tell me, baby?" She moves closer to me and cups my cheek, "I never want you to do that ever again. Go take them off right now."
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable." I don't want it to be too much too soon.
She shakes her head, "I'm uncomfortable right now because you're not comfortable. I never want you to wear them around me, because of me, or for me. I love you and I'm going to embrace all of you. Schlong and all." My face heats up but I can't help but feel butterflies in my stomach. I move to get up but she grabs my hand. "You might not be there yet but I've never seen a penis in person. Can I maybe, you know, see yours? This morning happened so fast and I..."
My mouth drops open. This morning I was freaking out because my girlfriend accidentally caught a glance at my dick and now she actually wants to look at it.
Talk about too much too soon...
"Now?"
She shyly nods.
Then I nod. And nod. And nod again because I'm not really sure what I need to do.
I walk toward my dresser and grab some boxers before heading to the bathroom. I quickly switch undies and make my way out. It's finally happening. And oddly enough I'm nervous but it's doable. I don't feel as if I'm dying. Which is kind of how I felt this morning.
She's sitting on the edge of the bed. She tells me that I don't have to if I don't feel comfortable but I tell her that it's ok. It's not pressure or anything. I just, I guess that I'm just a little excited that she wants to see it because it means that she's pretty much embracing it. Right?
I stand a couple steps in front of her, take a deep breath in and pull down the front of my sweats and boxers.
Her eyes widen in surprise. I'm a little proud. I can feel myself smirk. Why the fuck was I so worried? Oh. Yeah, twenty something odd years of hiding myself...
"Are you, like, hard right now?"
I frown, she thinks I'm small? "No."
"Oh, shit. It gets bigger?" She asks in shock. Yeah, it does get bigger. It suuure does.
Talk about an ego boost. Today is a good day after all.
"A couple inches longer and thicker."
I see her swallow thickly, and yes I'm going to ignore any possible innuendos with that one. "Um, Britt. I've never had anything other than fingers in me. I don't think that'll fit."
Before I know what's happening, I feel her poke my dick.
"Hey!" she snatches her hand back like she burned her hand. I laugh out loud, "You can't just go around poking people's dicks like that!" I figure that's enough and I pull my pants up.
"I didn't poke people's ! I poked yours! It's spongy and soft. It's kinda' weird." Well. All righty then.
"Yeah, because it's flaccid, sweetie."
Without missing a beat, my gorgeous girlfriend says, "Well. oh. Can I see it erect then?"
"Well. oh. Can I see your breasts then?" She narrows her eyes and I'm not sure why. It was a valid proposal; 'let me see yours and I'll show you mine'. It must've been one of the first five verbal contracts in existence. I can't wait to call my mom, by the way. I know it'll be awkward, just a little bit, but she'll be glad to know that she doesn't have to worry about me anymore.
"You also have breasts, why do you need to look at mine? I don't have a penis, that's why I want to see yours. Like, to learn about it. To see what I'm going to be working with. And do your testicles just stay there or..." She trails off but I'm interested in knowing what she thinks they are capable of.
"In that case, I don't have a vagina and I'd like to learn about yours. Quid. Pro. Quo." Good job, Attorney Pierce.
/
And that's how we ended up pantless on my, well, our bed.
Today is a fantastic day.
"Ok," she claps her hands together, "how do we do this? At the same time?"
"Well, your stuff isn't as exposed as mine. Mine is all out there, yours is down there... Holy fuck, I don't even know what I'm saying. San, we don't have to do this. We can just wait until we're ready."
She reaches over and holds my hand, "The reason you wanted to wait was because you didn't know how to tell me about your penis, right?" I nod. "I wanted to wait because I knew I would fall in love with you. I love you, Britt. I really do but I cannot, I simply cannot take another cold shower. So, if you're completely all right with it, I'd like to get the ball rolling and have you do really nice things to me while I do really nice things to you." And, I nod.
And, she attacks. Her mouth finds mine and I'm just in heaven. Her body is grinding on me and her hands are everywhere and, I just have no words.