A/N: Gentle readers! I'm so sorry for disappearing on you. I never intended to go so long without an update. Enjoy, and I promise not to stay away so long next time.

Chapter 9

"Forgive the wording of this question, but I mean this sincerely, and quite literally. What were you thinking when you became involved with Fitz? Have you been involved with married men before?"

Olivia balked at the boldness of the question but they were moving quickly past pretenses. It was her third session with Dr. Ford and Olivia had surprised them both when she told her the truth of her relationship with Fitz. After their first session, Olivia had gone to bed and slept for six hours. When she woke up, she'd never felt more rested in her life. Nothing had really changed, her heart still ached for Fitz, but she knew that she had someone to tell her truth to and she wanted more than anything to trust that relationship. Dr. Ford hadn't balked at her threats, hadn't promised to go to the press on her own like so many people would have. She'd seen through Olivia's strategies and defensiveness, and been willing to work with her anyway. Now that Brenda knew about the affair, Olivia had a neutral party to talk to and she found herself anxious for the sessions to begin, anxious to feel better.

Olivia thought about the question for a moment and smiled. She had never told a soul about her feelings for Fitz, her motivations for choosing him—she didn't even really know if she'd ever thought it through for herself; but the answer was easy.

"I wanted him—badly," she said. Olivia sat at the corner of her sofa, her legs tucked underneath her, fingertips playing at her lips in a secret smile as she remembered the time. "He was handsome and magnetic, passionate and powerful, and he listened to me. He looked at me all the time—not staring, not lecherous—he looked TO me, he deferred to me, he believed in me and my ideas. He trusted my word." Her own voice struck a chord with Olivia. She didn't think Fitz trusted her word any longer.

"Had you been with married men before?" Dr. Ford asked again.

Olivia looked to her, snapped out of her revelry, and put her hands in her lap. "Yes, but not like that. I never cared for them, they never cared for me. I was young, stupid, and not in love. They wanted something from me, obviously, and in some of them I saw what having their allegiance could do. Others, I just wanted to have fun-I didn't always know they were married, I didn't always ask." She let out a deep breath at revealing that about herself and her past choices. "Those relationships were fun but they were not substantive."

"And Fitz was different?"

Olivia let out a rush of breath and a huge smile. "Fitzgerald Grant is unlike any man I've ever met. It was like my own existence was enough for him, you know? He wanted me no matter what-how I looked, what I did, I was just his and he was mine. I know that more than I know any other fact. He loves me." Olivia said the words partly to convince herself. She hoped he still did.

Brenda looked at Olivia with sympathy. "Did it start out like the others?" she asked.

"No-I think we both knew instantly that there was an attraction, but just as instantly we agreed not to do anything about it. And we didn't for some months, but..."

"But?"

"He is the love of my life," Olivia whispered, "And I couldn't have ignored him if I tried. In Fitz I found real partnership and friendship and really…" Olivia appeared wistful, "incredible sex."

"Why would you ignore him?"

"Because he was married for the majority of our relationship, because he's fourteen years older than me, not that I really care about that, but he's the President and the public will care. It's cost him everything-his wife, his son, his father, his self-worth, everything, for the Office of the Presidency, and I can't be the reason-I won't be the reason-that he loses his legacy, too."

"What have you done in the name of protecting that legacy, to keep Fitz away from you?"

"Mainly, his best friend Jake."

Brenda looked up in surprise, her eyebrows raised, and Olivia let out a burst of hollow laughter.

"I'm sorry-that was a really bad joke. I shouldn't have said that. Oh my god," Olivia said, burying her face in her hands for a moment and then leaning back in her seat, "Oh, Jake."

"He's the other man you're involved with?"

Olivia nodded. "I don't know what we really are to each other besides a colossal distraction."

"Ah." Dr. Ford nodded in understanding.

"Fitz and I haven't been able to ever really be together, something was always in the way, and it was usually on his side of things. But none of those reasons are there anymore. I should get on with my life, we all should, but I just plain don't want to. I wasn't able to disconnect from Fitz since that very first moment and I don't think I ever will be. I wonder if …"

"What?"

"It's stupid. It's psychobabble." Olivia focused on her newly manicured nails instead of talking.

"Well, try me. Psychobabble is my middle name."

Olivia chuckled. "I think I'm angry with him."

"For what?"

"For making me love him when I couldn't have him."

"You mean he pursued you?"

"He would have let me go, he let the decision come from me, but the way he touched me, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me," Olivia's voice trailed off. "How was I supposed to forget something like that? How was anything else supposed to do after that?"

"You know, your anger is normal and totally justifiable," Dr. Ford began gently. "Many women who are on the outside of a marriage feel both love and anger for their married partners. They engage you, they love you, and yet they are not available to you. Add to that the fact that the man you love is a very public figure. He's a man that belongs to the whole world. You knew that going in, so would it be fair to say that you're also a little angry with yourself?"

"More than fair," Olivia acquiesced. "Fitz and I did not care who we hurt. We wanted each other and we lied to ourselves and each other from the first day. We promised it was just sex. Then it became just really great sex and a fantastic friendship. Then it became this dependence upon each other that neither one of us wanted to relinquish. He wanted me to wait for him and I told him that I would."

"And then?"

Olivia trusted Dr. Ford with the knowledge of her affair with Fitz, but she wouldn't endanger her life by sharing the truth about Defiance.

"And then I didn't wait," Olivia said with a deep breath. "I began a relationship with the man who used to be a very good friend of his—one of his last friends before his Presidency—and I left him to be with that man during the most difficult time of his life."

"Not that I need the details, but I can tell you just gave me a much edited version of events, and that's okay," Dr. Ford said putting a hand up when Olivia looked distressed. "I just want you to sit with the notion that this is an incredibly difficult and complicated situation. You've made some mistakes, so has Fitz—the President. Cut to the present. What do you want for your life?"

"Fitz," Olivia said resolutely. "I want him to forgive me, and I want him in my life."

"As what?"

"Everything."

"Be specific. You want to date the President? You want to marry him? You want a public life with him? Or you want him to forgive you, and you want things to be easy between you, but you want to keep your life with Jake?"

Olivia thought of Jake and sighed.

"I don't have many regrets in my life, but Jake is the one thing I would undo if I could."

"From what you've told me, he was supportive of you and you relied on his friendship during difficult times."

"I did and I still do, but he and Fitz hate each other. Jake is difficult, and Fitz can't get past the fact that I left with him. I don't know what to do about Jake because it wouldn't be my choice to remove him from my life altogether but I don't see that there's any other choice."

"The choice is yours, Olivia. If you want to be with Jake, just remain with him."

"You make it sound so simple," Olivia breathed out and walked through her sunlit apartment. She stood in the rays as they beamed through her living room window and rubbed her arms up and down vigorously trying to get warm.

"What are you afraid of?" Dr. Ford asked.

"That I'll be left alone," Olivia whispered too quietly for Brenda to hear her.

"What did you say?"

"I'll be alone," Olivia said more loudly as she turned around. Saying the words out loud gave her a newfound strength. "I'm afraid that I've lost Fitz. I've pushed him too far, and now he is with someone else and I-" Olivia paused, feeling an urgent need to stop the rush of emotions she felt.

"Have you noticed that you get close to an emotion and you shut it down quickly? Forget about the men in your love life. Tell me about the original man—your father."

Olivia scoffed and waved a hand. "Whatever I could tell you would be earning you a death sentence," she said. "Suffice it to say he and my mother had a relationship that is the very height of dysfunction. They both abandoned me in different ways, and my father would do just about anything to see me away from Fitz."

"And does he support your relationship with Jake?"

"Yes," Olivia said succinctly and folding her arms, "but for his own reasons."

"Our time is up," Dr. Ford said. "I want to encourage you to do some continued writing and thinking about what you've shared today. Is it really fair to try to have both of these men in your life? Should you be in a relationship at all right now?"

Olivia opened her mouth to respond, but Brenda stood up and smiled warmly at her. "For our next session, Olivia—do some thinking about what you really want. I'll see you next week?"

"If you have some time in the next day or so I'd really like to continue," Olivia said.

"All right, I'll have my office set up a time in the next couple of days."

"As soon as possible, please."

"You've got it. Take care, Olivia."

When Dr. Ford left Olivia was feeling stronger and more grounded than she had in several days. She had a moment of clarity that she hadn't before. She needed to talk to her father, so she picked up the phone and dialed the number.

She knew he would be absolutely shocked to hear from her.

"Olivia?"

"Daddy," she began. "I need to see you."

A/N: OK I know this chapter was short, but it needed to be, in order to bridge a gap to the next section of the story, where things move a lot more quickly and bring Fitz and Olivia back into one another's worlds. Thanks for sticking around and continuing to read. Lots of things will be changing for our couple in the next chapter, which I promise won't be very far away.