Part IV
Walking to the nurses station, Barba realized- he was in trouble. He'd actually been a little upset at having to admit he wasn't Noah's father. Where had that come from?
He suddenly wanted this more than anything. He wanted a family, not any family- this family. He wanted Liv and Noah. He wanted to be there for them during ER visits, he wanted ice cream in the park, and he wanted to protect them from everything. He wanted everything she was willing to give him. Everything she'd let him be a part of.
He and Liv's ever growing friendship had become the best part of every day. He'd come to look forward to seeing Noah during the week. He'd even admit (if only to himself) to loving them and wanting something more from Liv. But right here- walking through the ER- he was overwhelmed by how much he needed this. Liv and Noah had become the most important things in his life.
It scared the hell out of him.
He'd considered having a family when he was young. Growing up in the barrio, that's what people did. And after late night make out sessions with Yelina (which nearly always led to more), he'd have to admit his 19 year old self had dreamt up some plans for their future. He had been in love- and wanted to give her everything. He'd dreamt of brownstones and kids who looked just like Yelina. He'd dreamt of his career as a top attorney which would mean he could give his kids everything he didn't have.
And then he'd left the barrio for Harvard. When he'd returned she'd chosen Alex. His heart had been broken- but he could see she was happy.
He turned his attention elsewhere- his career. His quick wit, confidence and willingness to go all out had him rising through the ranks quickly. Sure, he dated. But he tended to seek out women to complete the New York power couple he intended to be part of. Of all the women he'd dated since Yelina- he'd talked about having a family with exactly none of them. The idea of having a family had long since been buried. And as he got older the New York power couple idea went with it. He needed someone who was his intellectual equal and Park Ave. debutants seldom were.
He'd focused on his career alone. The one thing in his life he really excelled in was putting away the bad guys. And he liked being good at it. It made him happy. He decided he didn't need anything else.
And then he'd transferred to Manhattan and met Detective Olivia Benson. He'd been blindsided. To say she was his equal would be an understatement.
His 30 year old self would be disgusted at even the idea of him falling for some overly sympathetic SVU detective. But she'd reminded him that he wasn't just some pretentious prosecutor peacocking for the jury. She reminded him why 19 year old Barba wanted to do this in the first place- he'd wanted to do good.
The moment she'd walked into the courtroom and been introduced for the first time he'd been attracted to her. If she were anyone else, he'd have acted on that attraction long ago. But even then he'd sensed that she was more important than that. And now- the stakes were real. She was his best friend. If he made a move and she wasn't into it he'd lose her. He'd lose Noah.
He had to stop thinking like this. If she wanted more, she'd make a move. Olivia Benson wasn't exactly the shy type. He'd let her make the first move- for now he'd just stand by her. Be as close as she'd let him be and enjoy what they had.
Barba approached the nurses' station. "Excuse me, Noah Benson, is a doctor coming in to finish his stitches?"
An older, male nurse looks over at Barba, amused. "Are you the boy's- attorney?"
Barba gives the nurse the same repulsed smile he gives defense attorneys who've brought especially annoying motions, "Yes".
Two and a half hours later- after stitches, discharge papers and a quick dinner- Barba sits on Olivia's couch holding a sleepy Noah on his couch while Olivia grabs the baby Motrin from the kitchen. Barba's stripped out of his coat, vest and tie- leaving him in only his shirtsleeves and suspenders which Noah is now rubbing his tiny fingers along to soothe himself.
As soon as Noah sees what she has in her hand he starts shaking his head. She squeezes some of the Motrin into a medicine dropper and holds it out but he just shakes his head more furiously. So Olivia holds it up to her own mouth and pretends to take it, "Hmmm so good. Come on, sweetheart, it'll make your arm feel better."
Noah looks at her skeptically then cranes his head around to look at Barba. He points and Barba's mouth, "Raf". Olivia holds out the dropper to Barba to pretend to take it.
When he does- it briefly touches his lips and he gets the taste in his mouth. Barba scrunches his face up, "Uh, he's right. That's pretty repulsive."
Olivia gives him an incredulous look, "Not really the time for your brutal honesty, Counselor."
Olivia holds the dropper back out to Noah who clamps his lips shut. At least he's not shaking his head now. She does her best to get the dropper into Noah's mouth and delivers the medicine. Noah immediately spits out at least half of it onto the front of himself and Barba's hand. "Dios mio, Noah. You already had it in your mouth- why not just swallow?" Noah giggles. Barba looks to Olivia for backup.
She chuckles at the expression on his face before getting up to go find a washcloth. "Why do you constantly try to use logic on the baby?"
"Well at some point it'll start working."
"Yeah, like after we've sent him to college", Liv calls from the kitchen.
Barba snuggles Noah into him. Noah's back to playing with his suspenders, eyes drifting closed every now and again. Liv comes around and wipes off Barba's hand and Noah. By the time she drops the cloth back in the kitchen and returns to the couch, Noah is sleeping against Barba's chest. Barba's face rests on Noah's head and he's lost in thought. Olivia sits down beside him and starts removing Noah's shoes.
Barba and Olivia lock eyes for a moment before he stands and carries Noah back to his bed. Olivia leans in and gives Noah and gentle kiss before Barba lays him inside as gently as possible- careful to position his injured arm just right. He looks down at him- the look is clear- he never wants anything to hurt Noah again. Olivia knows because that's exactly how she feels every time she comes back from a hospital visit with him.
How was this the same man she met in the courtroom 3 years ago? During that entire first case she could barely stand to be in the room with the cocky asshole- now she found herself wishing he'd stay.
She puts a comforting hand on Barba's back and gives him a knowing smile when he looks at her. He looks exhausted. "I should head home" He turns abruptly and walks out to the living room to collect his things.
He needs to get out of here before he does something he regrets. Every time she touches him lately, he's felt as if he'd catch fire.
Olivia watches- a bit sad- as he slings his vest and jacket over one arm and grabs his tie. She'd nearly asked him to stay- but he very obviously wants to go home. She's right behind him as he hurries towards the door. At the door, she places her hand on his arm- stilling him. She glances down at his lips for a split second before locking eyes with him. "I—Thank you, Rafi."
And that's it- it's all he can take, her hand on his arm, his first name, their eyes locked together. He launches himself at her like an overzealous teenager.
Suddenly his lips are on hers. It takes a moment for her brain to catch up but once it does she's kissing him back. She's kissing him back!
He drops the clothes he's holding and steps over them as he backs her up against the wall- one hand on her hip the other tangling in her hair. It's all passion and fire and everything they've wanted to say to each other for the past 3 years. He's kissing her so deeply that she's not sure where she ends and he begins but damn is he good at this! That quick tongue of his is just as skilled here as it is in the courtroom.
She grabs his belt loops and pulls him closer- his obvious excitement now pressed against her thigh. He shutters into her mouth- breaking contact for a split second before she pulls his lips back down to hers. Pressing her harder against the wall, his tongue slips expertly across her bottom lip before regaining entrance to tangle with hers.
As passionate as the kiss is- neither battles for dominance. They know instinctively when to give and when to take. They've always been able to read each other better than anyone and this is no different. He nips at her bottom lip drawing a moan from her. She pulls him closer in a furious attempt to deepen the kiss. Both are completely out of control- lost in each other.
From the back of the apartment, a cry pierces the near silence surrounding them. Soon Noah is sobbing in pain.
Olivia and Barba break apart- each trying desperately to catch their breath and reign themselves in. Barba braces himself on the wall beside Olivia's head. She drops her head back and closes her eyes in frustration as much as to get herself under control. She looks to him- apologetic. "Hold that thought" she breathes out before escaping under his arm towards the back.
Barba stands for a moment- still bracing against the wall.
What the hell was he doing? Not three hours ago he'd promised himself to let her make the first move. Was he really that unable to control himself? That was the most embarrassing display he'd ever put on. He'd wanted her to come to him- to know that this was what she wanted. He couldn't stand the idea of her being some one-night stand after an upsetting day- followed by months of awkward work conversations. If he messed this up- he'd lose them both.
He could hear her talking softly to Noah in the back. Part of him wanted to simply walk back there and join them. To stay the night and wake up in the morning as a family. But what if when she woke up she realized she'd only wanted him because he was there- and it had been a bad day? What if all she really wanted was tonight? It would kill him.
For a man who was so confident in the courtroom- he was at a loss when it came to romantic relationships. Olivia threw him off-balance. She'd stripped away his tightly held control.
He'd been right the first time- he had to get out of here.
He quickly picked up his things and made his way out.
Olivia is upset when she returns to find the living room empty but not necessarily surprised.
Noah's crying must've been a reminder that taking her on meant taking on a toddler too. As much as he obviously loves Noah, she couldn't blame Barba for not wanting to take on the role of fulltime dad. All she can hope is that their impromptu make-out session doesn't cost them the friendship that she's come to depend on.