Hello all! First off, my apologies for dropping off the face of the earth. My only excuse is the one that every author uses: Life. These last two months had me in a death grip, but I should be able to post at least two solid chapters in the relatively calm month of April. After that, there's studying for exams, and then the actual exams in May, so no promises until summer.

The original plan for this chapter would have made it about 4,000 words longer, but it was getting really difficult to write, and I figured I had neglected updating for long enough.

Edits are still in progress, so if you catch anything, 50 points to you and big thank you from me!

My thanks again to the following reviewers:

MandereLee: Your review still makes me smile. XD Truly the best gift a reader can give an author. Sorry the update took so long, but I hope you enjoy it!

leena1445: Thank you, again, for the cultural feedback - and for the support!

Ice Maiden Olivier: And I'm glad that you're glad that Lan Fan has someone to care for her! ;P You see some more of that in this chapter - tell me what you think of it!

Dotdodot: As always, your feedback is courage-boosting and gives me fuzzies. :) I combed my chapter as per your advice, and I think I caught the remaining mistakes. (Time will tell, I guess). In answer to your question, I assume you're asking why Lan Fan trained as a young girl at the palace. That's a really good question - one that I don't have a very good answer for. I guess the only real answer is that Lan Fan did train on the Yao lands, but her Grandfather found her a secretive place to train when they were staying with the prince at the palace as well. I suppose, if you want to think of it this way, that the clearing I depict is a little piece of home in the midst of all the court politics. The other answer is that I was just taking artistic license. :)

Finally, a note to all: It has not escaped my attention that the reader rates for this story decrease dramatically after the first few chapters. If you're still with me and thinking about leaving, tell me why! I'll see what I can do about it. :)

Lan Fan ended up taking the route she knew would lead her to the kitchens, with the intention to drop a dumpling off by the young lord's room later and see how he was. She had placed her normal hunger and thirst on the back burner for the day, and now it was returning full-force. Temptation whispered silkily to her as she licked her lips at the thought of all the food preparation she knew must be going on for the feast. Perhaps she could coerce one of the palace guards from this morning into sneaking her some food – after all, they were still "in the dog house", as the Amestrian saying went, for letting the young lord escape his room so easily.

In the nearly empty halls of the palace where only the odd servant could be seen bustling, Lan Fan attempted to rub her stiff shoulders. She paid special attention to the kinks above her automail arm, but her efforts seemed to do little good. Her body was beginning to ache all over, as if it was berating her for her tireless training.

As the Young Lord's only prime bodyguard, I have to be sharper than ever. There's no Grandfather to guide me.

Lan Fan's glove-clad hands continued to rub her shoulders rather ineffectively. A wistful smile turned up her lips as her thoughts went back to Grandfather. He was the one who used to massage her shoulders after intense training or battle, lecturing her on the necessity of always staying limber. There were times, however, that he would simply begin kneading the knots away in her tense muscles, despite the aches he would get in his hands, just to let his granddaughter know that he cared. Though they never spoke about these times, Lan Fan knew that he had always wanted her to feel supported – even if his nature as a warrior barred him from saying so with words. Something in her ached in a way that her muscles did not as she wished that she had realized this more when he was still alive.

Soundlessly, her flesh hand fell to her side as she brought its automail counterpart to her eyes for inspection.

It's surprising how much I still miss him.

Lan Fan's stomach yowled louder this time, jarring her more sober line of though and actually making her blush. After a quick glance to ensure she was alone, she allowed herself a small chuckle and rubbed her abdomen.

"Enough out of you," she berated. "Just what do you think Grandfather would say if we were trying to hide and you spoke so loudly?" She could feel small, almost petulant gurgles sifting around, but for the most part, it settled. Lan Fan snorted at herself, and decided to make her way to the kitchens as quickly as possible.

Preparing to break into a sprint, the young bodyguard was about to turn a corner when her foot landed on something soft and warm. A split second before she looked down, she felt and recognized the familiar qi presence.

"Young Lord!"Lan Fan shrieked in dismay and quickly backed off her young master. Kneeling beside him anxiously, she tried to see if he was conscious.

"What are you doing on the floor? Were you attacked!?" she questioned in slight panic, hands fluttering uselessly. Regret, panic, and foreboding made her stomach churn in a whole new way.

I knew I should not have left him alone! Now he's hurt and it's all my fault! I shouldn't have been so selfish as to shirk my duties! What if he's poisoned!?

She could not sense the sluggishness of death in his qi, but it could be slow moving poison.

A small sound emanated from Ling's otherwise still body, and Lan Fan immediately held her breath and bent low to hear better.

"Food…" the young man ground out weakly.

Food.

He was hungry.

Instantly, all anxiety flooded out of Lan Fan's system, taking her breath with it. In a moment, she felt torn between laughing at herself and being irritated with the Young Lord for making her so worried.

Worry gives small things big shadows.

With a sigh, she decided to put both reactions on hold as she slung her master's arm around her shoulder. With little trouble she was able to stand and support his weight, which he made no move to lighten for her. Craning her head around her, Lan Fan assessed their position in the palace and tried to decide where to go. Since they were in the east wing, the prince's personal chambers would be the closest. She could drop him off there and get him some food as soon as he was not stranded in some deserted corridor of the palace.

As Lan Fan assessed her options, her grasp on Ling's arm began to slowly slip. Consequently, he was getting closer and closer to resuming his previous spot.

"My Lord, do you think you could – gah!"

With a melodramatic whumping noise, Ling slumped down the last foot or two to return to his original position on the ground. For a moment, Lan Fan just stared down at him with speechlessness and watched his royal robes get wrinkled.

Then, inevitably a small smile stole over her features and her eyes softened. Gently this time, and with more care, she bent down and slid her master's firm body to be supported over her own.

What am I going to do with you?

Lan Fan trekked to the young master's chambers with her charge – literally – in tow, not pausing to think on the fondness which had settled over her heart.

On his bed in his chamber, Ling stirred as if trying to fight against the sharp emptiness in his stomach.

"Food…"

He squinted and sat up, hand to his head – which had begun to ache vaguely from the lack of nourishment – and wondered what had roused him. The answer was instantaneous – a tray heaped with sticky rice balls, steaming tea, and pork was only feet away from his olfactory senses. Ling's mouth watered, and he wasted no time digging in.

The second the slightly salty rice hit his tongue, Ling felt the satisfaction of what can only be defined as divine enlightenment. Ravenously, he made two rice balls disappear in as many minutes, only then pausing to take note of his surroundings a little more. After all, he did not remember being in his rooms – he remembered telling Makanay that he would stay in his rooms, and promptly going to wander the palace with a restless mind. He remembered the trek to the library, which just so happened to intersect the soldier's training grounds along the way… and he remembered heading back to his rooms after decidedly not finding whatever it was he was looking for. He had not really even realized that he was hungry, but he hadn't eaten since lunch with Bilan.

Scooping a bite of pork and cabbage, Ling was brought again to the curiosity of how he had somehow made it to his rooms – with a full meal laid out in front of him, no less. Pouring himself a cup of tea and sitting back, Ling's answer came to him as a piece of parchment peeked out from where the cup had previously been resting.

Snatching up the paper written in crude charcoal, but with a careful hand, Ling could not contain a slow smile and warmth that had nothing to do with the food.

You should be more careful, my lord. It may not always be me who finds you sprawled gracelessly in an empty palace hall.

Ling read it a second and third time, before finally snorting out a round of full laughter and tucking he note safely in his robes.

"And yet, you always do." He answered to the air. The young prince took a contended sip of his warm tea, which tasted sweeter than he remembered it. Lan Fan must have remembered how to brew it just the way he liked it. He could not say he was surprised – she was perfect, after all.

That thought stilled his smile and made him pause again in eating. Perfect?

The flash of Bilan's smile came to his mind, accompanied by her shining eyes as she told him her story this evening. Sighing, Ling set down his tea once again, appetite ebbing away for more reasons than one.

How can two people be so perfect in such completely different ways?

Bilan was obviously the ideal woman for any Xing politician, perhaps more so for a future Emperor. She was charismatic, kind, and understood the ways of the people. Not only did she have a solid grasp on how to conduct herself in upper circles – despite her denials on that point – she also knew how to inspire passion and loyalty in his subjects. She was like sunlight that the people could not help but lean towards for nourishment and hope, a beacon to a new era in Xing.

Then, if Bilan was the sun, Lan Fan was the moon. Ling's mouth crooked upward as he thought of Lan Fan's supremacy in the shadows; her passion which extended itself through her combat rather than through words. Lan Fan was much more quiet than Bilan, and perhaps more difficult to understand, but to him… she was majestic in a way that needed no title.

Ling sucked air through his teeth sharply and shook the dual images from his mind. What was he thinking? Anyone else would have thought that he was… comparing the two women in his mind, like a cook trying to decide what fruit to prepare. That certainly had not been what he was doing, because there was no reason to. After all, Bilan and Lan Fan were on completely separate planes of existence! Not that he was saying that one was any higher than the other, or anything -

Frustrated with his new train of thought, Ling blew the air forcefully back through his nose, raking a hand through his hair. He stood away from the remains of his food, heading to the door to do some more walking – a pastime he seemed to be indulging in more and more often.

As soon as he opened the door, however, he realized something was off. Perhaps not wrong, but the qi he sensed was one that he had not been exposed to for over twelve hours. And it was close.

Surprised, Ling glanced around, and immediately caught sight of a bundled body stationed by his door. The quirk returning to his lips, he crouched down to inspect it and sure enough – Lan Fan.

She was also completely unconscious, head resting on one shoulder, mouth parted and mask cradled in her arms. Ling sat there for some time, unsure of why but simply knowing that he wanted to drink this in as much as possible. He could count the number of times he had seen Lan Fan in this kind of deep, unaware sleep on one hand. Without her eyes flashing in concentration behind her mask, and with such a youthful calm in her features, Ling almost had a hard time believing his eyes.

It was difficult to remember what his closest friend and bodyguard had been through, when he saw her like this. Of course, he knew he should probably reprimand her for falling asleep so deeply and unashamedly while she was at her post – after a day of not guarding him, no less – but he disregarded the thought as soon as it entered his mind. Lan Fan did a fine job of keeping things to herself, but he knew she had not been sleeping even a fraction of what she should be. Briefly, he wondered if she suffered from the same demons in the dark as he did.

As if on cue, Lan Fan tensed and her brow puckered in her sleep. Ling also tensed, for a completely different reason, but the girl stayed asleep. Her hands tightened around her mask and her mouth formed the grim line of combat concentration which he knew all too well. Her breathing was coming shorter now, and Ling knew that his suspicions about her sleep patterns were at least partially correct.

Without another thought, he reached out a hand and softly – so as not to wake her – smoothed her hair from her troubled brow. The inky black strands were silkier than he thought they would have been, and her skin was smooth and slightly damp with perspiration. Under his touch, Lan Fan shifted slightly, but seemed to calm some. Unconsciously, she pressed her face into his palm, causing his breath to hitch and heart to stutter for reasons he did not want to acknowledge. Though her eyebrows were no longer knit, Ling was alarmed when he felt a single tear leak from a closed eyelid.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to the visions in her head. Ling felt something ache in his chest, and slowly retracted his hand. He could only imagine the things and people she would be saying those simple words to.

Carefully, as if she was bound to fall apart, Ling scooped his sleeping friend in his arms. He waited until she had settled against his chest, curled slightly inward and breathing steadily. In that moment, Ling stared at her, feeling inexplicably but undeniably awe-struck – after all, how could she be so seem so powerless and hold so much power over his life at the same time?

With a heartfelt sigh, he began a steady trek to the soldier's rooms, unwittingly following in Lan Fan's footsteps from only hours before.

"I'm sorry too, Lan Fan."

This dream always started out the same. She was sitting atop a building in Amestris with the young master not far from her. The day was setting into night, and the atmosphere was a rare kind of peaceful. Grandfather came up beside her and she felt… complete.

Suddenly, however, the energy around her started to change. It was an uncomfortable feeling, as if people were just emerging out of nowhere or everywhere, and she could see none of them. With uneasy concentration, Lan Fan realized that they were all congregating behind her, as if to sneak up on her defenses. Whirling, believing that she had caught them at their own game, Lan Fan turned to meet the army – only to find her Grandfather, all alone.

The qi continued to multiply, however, to the point where she almost felt suffocated by its proximity and power. She was ashamed of how much her voice shook as she asked fearfully:

"Grandfather…?"

In horror, she watched as a monster in her Grandfather's skin ripped away the Yin mask which had always comforted her. Grandfather's face was there, indeed, but also not there – the eyes were wrong and hateful, and the teeth were pulled back in a wolfish grimace that made Lan Fan feel sick. Even as she watched, his visage began to distort into something grotesque and non-human, as if he was simply a mirage in a demon's desert. With skin mottling a dark green-black and eyes growing more and more evil by the second, he looked less like her Grandfather than a monster of disproportionate size.

"Foolish human. Your Grandfather was weak and now he is dead," Envy hissed. "And soon it will be your turn!"

Lan Fan felt the urge to scream press against her teeth, but she gritted them and pressed her mouth into a grim, trained line. Even so, the qi energy was pressing in on her, poisoning her own energy and making her feel violated in the deepest sense of the word. She practically choked on it, stumbling away from the monster before her, closer and closer to the edge of the building as the sky bled red and the sun deserted her and she was falling –

– a pair of strong arms stopped her descent in the nick of time, but Lan Fan felt anything but gratitude. Her horror multiplied as the souls screamed at her from both behind and before her. Over her shoulder, just above her ear, in a sickeningly familiar and foreign voice, a growl tickled.

"Careful, doll. Wouldn't want to end the fun before it even begins."

The young master – no, Greed – snarled at her with a sadistic glint in his eyes before his carbonized claws pierced her skin with abrupt, excruciating pain. Lan Fan's head snapped back and her eyes clutched tight – in her head she was screaming, but still her jaw remained locked.

So real. It feels so real. Just make it STOP!

As if in answer to her plea, the pain dissipated long enough for her to pant and crack open an eye. What she saw made her regret it. Her own face was distorted now, above her own, with nothing but soulless black eyes. Her demon stared at her with hatred and looked about ready to spit. Lan Fan could not help but register the kunai she held, but Greed was still trapping her with the strength of the one she revered so highly. The demon drew back her hand with a triumphant glint in her eye.

"Pathetic."

The kunai came down on her arm – her left arm, which she just realized had been flesh once more – and Lan Fan was tossed into a roiling sea of blood and pain and, as Envy opened his massive jaws –

– darkness.

As if snuffed out by a candle, the pain disappeared. Lan Fan felt relief now, and felt comforted for some reason. Looking down, she saw her automail hand, and felt more grounded for it.

Her relief was short lived, however, as a new kind of oppressiveness set in on her. She was waiting, waiting, waiting for something – anything – in the darkness. Her senses were on high alert, and she strained her qi in the darkness, willing it to find something to come into contact with. Not even the earth pulsed with energy – the blackness around her was dead and unfeeling.

Without warning, eyes – mismatched eyes, with symbols glowing red within their depths – began to appear all around her, malicious and mocking. Desperately now, feeling panic well within her at the primal glare of all those eyes, she looked around for any familiar face. Even now, she felt no qi but her own… she could only see the eyes.

"Who are you?" she asked the darkness.

All at once, the eyes swarmed around her and congealed, meshing into one tangible being before her very eyes. As the eyes settled and turned into flesh, hair, and clothing, only one pair of eyes remained. They looked at her steadily, and with deep emotion.

"Grandfather," she gasped.

He declined his head in acknowledgment, looking ashamed to meet her eyes. This was him then… not some crude distortion made by Envy.

This only made the disappointment in his eyes the more real. Slowly, as if through a cloud, Lan Fan reached out her hand, suddenly gripped with fear. A moment too late, she realized what was happening.

No...

In the next moment, an invisible sword slashed against Grandfather's midsection, spraying his blood and freezing his face with shock.

Not again!

Another sword burst from his chest, and he began to fall. His eyes never moved once from hers, and they held nothing but pain and betrayal, accusing her. When she finally cried out, straining every nerve of her body to reach him, his form blurred and morphed. In a moment, instead of a bodyguard's armor, he wore his favorite yellow traveling cloak, and the blood had disappeared. Instead of dignified white, he wore unruly black hair and a sad smile.

NO!

Again, just as in reality, she was powerless as the ones who mattered to her most went beyond her reach. Her Grandfather to death and blood, and her master…

… as she watched, milky white hands crept around the young lord's chest and pulled him further into the darkness. His eyes, too, never left hers.

What surprised her was that they were not filled with the scorn she would expect… but only with pain. With equal slowness, he stretched out his arm to hers, as if attempting to reach her, but the feminine hands around him tugged him back in the shadows. His eyes seemed to speak more than his words ever could.

You could never be good enough.

He dissolved completely, leaving her again to fend the darkness of her confines on her own. Grandfather and the man who held her loyalty had been consumed, and she had only watched. With fisted hands she howled at the darkness, hearing her cries of pain and frustration consumed by nothing… nothing, but uncaring blackness. The pain slithered in her throat as soon as her anger died, and she felt herself crumple. A fine warrior she turned out to be.

A single tear escaped her as she clutched her head in her hands, resigned shudders wracking her body with grief and loneliness.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to the people she could not reach.

The darkness wrapped itself around her, feeling like the warmth of another body next to hers, suddenly comforting rather than hostile. The ache in her heart was soothed for no other reason than that she did not feel quite as alone. Lan Fan sighed, only barely hearing the words that echoed through the darkness.

"I'm sorry too, Lan Fan."

Lan Fan woke with a start, heart pounding, inky blackness still fresh in her mind's eye and oozing itself out of her pores through a cold sweat. Tense, her eyes darted around the room, panic consuming her when she did not immediately recognize her surroundings.

A snore from her right caught her attention, and in the moonlight she caught a glimpse of auburn hair. In a moment, all of the memories came flooding back, and she sagged into her sleeping mat with relief. Makanay slept on, unaware that she had provided Lan Fan with comfort even when unconscious. She closed her eyes, reveling in the feeling of clean air which was not permeated with the fears of her mind.

I am not in Amestris. The young lord is safe in his bed. She did not allow herself to think of her arm, or her Grandfather.

Her peace was short-lived, however. In the next moment, Lan Fan sat up abruptly, thin blanket clutched to her chest – which was dressed only in a loose shirt, and no bindings. Panic again made her thoughts scramble when she searched her memory to find nothing. How had she gotten back to bed?

As if sensing her distress – which was a very real possibility, as her body language stuck out like a sore thumb in the dead of night – her roommate groaned and turned on her side. Lan Fan held her breath, but secretly wished she would come to awareness, if only so that Lan Fan could get some answers.

She wondered if she should rethink that wish as soon as Makanay cracked open her single eye with rather intense glare for someone just waking.

"What is it?" Makanay demanded in a no-nonsense whisper. She obviously understood that Lan Fan was distressed about something – and that she was not likely to get rest unless the girl was soothed.

Lan Fan swallowed and wanted to hide with embarrassment, feeling like a little girl who had got caught trying to sneak into her parents' bed.

"Well… I just…"

"Don't know how you got here, hm?" Makanay intoned with irate archness. She propped her head on her elbow and stared Lan Fan down. "I suppose that's understandable when a person falls asleep at her post."

Lan Fan's eyes widened and her jaw grew slack. "I what?"

"Even more so when that person then gets taken from her post, dead asleep, to her rooms, by the very person she was assigned to guard." She did not bother 'correcting' herself the third time.

The girl's face burned with mortification, and she hid her face in her hands with a groan. There were no words she could have found to possibly express herself. Not only had she abandoned her post and endangered the young lord's life, she had even had to be taken to her rooms by the prince himself? The sinking feeling in her stomach had nothing to do with the fact that she had still ended up eating very little the previous day. Detachedly, she realized that she had been planning to grab a bite to eat after she had finished her shift guarding her charge… only she had fallen asleep before she could do so.

She wished the gods above would take notice of her intolerable folly and strike her down where she sat. Perhaps, if she was lucky, she would be damned to the demon's fires and would not have to face her Grandfather in the afterlife.

From inside the confines of her hands, Lan Fan heard a resigned sigh and the shuffle of sheets before she felt the unexpected warmth of an arm draped around her shoulders.

"It really isn't all that bad, kid," Makanay consoled. Lan Fan did not come out of her hiding. "If it helps, the prince only handed you off to me – I was in the room by then. He gave me an explanation and skedaddled off to his rooms like a tandarfut in the spring." Lan Fan made no move to ask what a tandarfut was, nor did she relax at Makanay's attempt at levity. The older woman sighed.

"Look, I won't be the one to tell you that everything is alright – because it is not." Gently, she took Lan Fan's shoulder and eased her upwards until they were face to face. "But perhaps not for the reasons you think."

At this, Lan Fan finally reacted, creasing her brow in confusion. There was no discrepancy of reason – she had fallen asleep at her post. The additional humiliation of being so unaware that she had to be taken to bed by her master was even worse! She fully expected to be told to pack her things and leave the palace in the morning. If she was not, she would likely do so on her own out of sheer shame and dishonor.

Apparently reading her thoughts, Makanay rolled her eyes. "Lan Fan, you are not the first body guard to ever fall asleep when she should not have, and you just as surely will not be the last. That is not truly the problem here." With solemnity, she made sure Lan Fan understood her. "The problem is that this is no simple case of exhaustion. You are mentally tormenting yourself, and you have to stop!"

Lan Fan only blinked and looked away uncomfortably. Tormenting? Why should she torment herself? It certainly did not serve any purpose in making her a better guardswoman to the young lord.

Yet, Makanay's accusation settled with disconcerting weigh on her mind – somehow, it felt like it was true, although Lan Fan knew it should not be. There was a long silence, broken only by the sound of insects outside, in which Makanay seemed to debate what her next words should be.

"I know you have nightmares, Lan Fan," she said finally, softly. The woman eyed her companion with a mixture of pity and sympathy. Lan Fan's attention was brought to Makanay's ever-present eyepatch. Perhaps not sympathy, then… but empathy. "Gods above know that after what you have been through, they are warranted."

She grimaced, biting her lip – more as a nervous habit than to keep herself from saying anything. After all, what does someone say to something like that? It was not an accusation; it was simply a statement, and she could do nothing to honestly deny it.

"The only thing I can tell you is this." Makanay smoothed Lan Fan's matted hair away from her face in a rare display of motherly affection. The action surprised Lan Fan enough to make her meet her eye. Once she did, she could not look away from the intensity of Makanay's gaze and the earnestness of her emotion. "The more you mourn the past, the more powerless you will be to the trials of the future."

Lan Fan frowned and she looked down.

" And I am not talking about your Grandfather, Lan Fan," her tired gaze waited for the girl's dark eyes to flick back up in surprise. "You feel that you did not fulfill your duty, correct?"

Hesitantly, Lan Fan gave a small nod. Makanay shrugged slightly.

"Whether or not you really did, I cannot say. The only think I know is, you are perhaps the most talented and disciplined person I have ever met, with skill that is only outmatched by fierce loyalty." Makanay's gaze did not speak of flattery. Instead, she was deathly serious. "That is not a combination found in many people, let alone the right people. Of all the warriors in this nation, Lan Fan, you were made to protect royalty – that is a fact."

When Lan Fan opened her mouth the object, Makanay shook her head.

"If a bodyguard of such caliber is distracted the point of abandoning her post, both consciously and unconsciously, it is clear that something has shifted to bring that spirit to its breaking point. Only one thing has changed in the last twenty-four hours, Lan Fan, and I think you know her name."

Lan Fan flushed anew with shame, feeling as though she was caught red-handed. She could not bring herself to meet Makanay's eyes. Another tense moment of silence, and Makanay's arm slipped from her shoulders. Lan Fan's tense shoulders stiffened further at the loss of warmth, but made no move to protest.

The next words were soft, almost vulnerable, and Lan Fan could not have been caught more off guard. "You do not think you deserve him, do you." It was a statement, not a question.

She blinked. "What?"

Makanay watched her with stubborn patience. You know of whom I speak, the look said.

Lan Fan struggled through her new confusion and the odd warmth that swirled from her chest. "Well… after tonight, certainly I do not deserve to – "

"Lan Fan," Makanay huffed, exasperated. "You know I am not speaking about your duties."

"Then of what do you speak?" Lan Fan asked heatedly. She edged away from Makanay, if only to get a more head-on look of the woman. The warmth in her chest was quickly expanding into some unreasonably defensive anger, and she was disturbed at both herself and at Makanay's implication. "What other way is there for me to deserve him, Makanay? Answer me that."

Her patient gaze had turned harder. "I can see you want to make this as difficult as possible. Fine, then – I will be as blunt as possible." She took a deep breath, as if readying herself. Lan Fan, in turn, felt like a coil prepared to spring into action. "How long have you been serving the prince?"

Lan Fan's jaw twitched at the unexpected question. What game was she playing? "You know very well how long."

Makanay gave her a long-suffering look. "Indulge me."

"Ever since I was old enough to protect myself." At Makanay's continued look, she grunted. "Perhaps since I was… seven?"

She nodded. "And how long has it been since you considered this protection a simple duty, or a chore?"

Lan Fan instantly drew breath to say that it has always been her duty, but Makanay's stern gaze made her pause. The other would accept nothing less than absolute truth. Tentatively, she thought back. When she was a younger girl, barely a year into her new title as guardian, she was not always attentive at her duties – she would daydream or imagine she was someone else, able to do something else than protect a meddling boy who always got himself into trouble. She could not exactly pinpoint when she began pouring her entire soul into protecting him, but Makanay's words reminded her that there was a time when she did not feel that way. Lan Fan felt slightly disturbed at the reminder, looking back into her memories and feeling as if she was looking at a completely different person.

"I suppose… ever since I saw how much the young lord cares about his people. Truly cares, not just for his own popularity." One distinct memory resurfaced. It had been the day of the Recognition Ceremony, where the young lord was officially appointed the heir of the Yao clan. After the festivities, he had run off to get away from the crowd, and she had been forced to follow. Along the way, they had come across a boy at least five years older than themselves abusing another boy their age. They were not of their status, and sibling rivalry was common, so Lan Fan had been inclined to turn her head the other way… her lips pursed at the memory of her own cowardliness. The young lord, on the other hand, had promptly thrown himself straight into the line of fire, of course obliging Lan Fan to protect him. The older boy had dealt him a punch and dirtied his ceremonial robes before she could get him to back down. She had been peeved with him, at first, but then she saw how little attention he was giving to his split lip and finery, and how he tenderly felt around the younger boy's limbs for broken bones. He had gained more than one loyal subject on that day. Lan Fan had felt in herself the stirrings of deep respect, and from that time onward, she had striven to be a worthy guardian of a prince so naturally noble. He was different than the others, who only gave when they saw reward in the future. That trait had not changed with age, and neither had her feelings.

Makanay was watching her carefully, as if reading her inward struggle, even as Lan Fan remained impassive. "If you think dutiful respect is the only thing that has kept you so loyal for so long, you are dull." She leaned back, reclining once more on her matt. There was a shrewd glitter in her eye as she smirked. "But you are not dull. Are you, Lan Fan?"

The girl swallowed thickly and recalled a blond-haired man in a tunnel observing the amount of care she had for her master. She had easily eluded the comment then, in the chaos of the battle. There was no such distraction now.

"I never took you for such a romantic, Makanay," she croaked. Immediately, she knew that if her aim had been to somehow win this philosophical discourse about love – or whatever it was – that had not been the right thing to say.

Makanay snorted derisively. "Lan Fan, if ever I had a single romantic bone in my body, they were all broken before I ever stepped foot in Xing. I am simply stating facts." At Lan Fan's blank look, she shrugged. "Love is not so much different from any other emotion. When someone loses a bet, she feels anger. When someone loses a family member, she feels grief. When someone values another above herself, not out of duty but out of choice, she is in love.

"The difference about love is that it can be so much stronger… and so much more dangerous. It is so much like fire." Makanay's single eye glazed, as if she were looking inward, and Lan Fan wondered if she was speaking for her benefit anymore. "We cannot live without it, but if you give it a single speck of power outside of your control, it can burn more deeply than a branding iron."

"Then how can you ask me to accept something like that?" Lan Fan blurted. She wanted to take the hasty, desperate words back as soon as she said them – they felt like a confession. Instead, they dropped like stones in the silence between them, and Makanay's attention was restored. She smiled a sad smile.

"Simply because you have no choice. It is there, whether you want it to be or not," she sighed. So serious was the set of her features that the two could have been discussing the nature of death, rather than of love. "Lan Fan, the only thing more dangerous than love, is the denial of love. To deny love is to lie to yourself in the most fundamental way possible. It is so divide your soul upon itself – I have seen it destroy greater people than you or I." Lan Fan found herself believing her; the look of remorse in her eyes was one she well understood. In a moment, the glimpse was covered again, and Makanay settled herself more firmly on the ground, a solid set in her jaw. "Whatever consequences come from admitting love, they cannot compare to the civil war of refusing it."

She said nothing after that, and the minutes ticked by like hours. Lan Fan waited, feeling as though Makanay had one more grenade tucked up her sleeve, just itching to deploy and catcher her off guard. When the insects outside continued to be the only ones chatting merrily and Lan Fan still had not situated herself to return to sleep, Makanay let out a deep sigh.

"Look, Lan Fan… I do not expect you to accept your feelings in one night." Immediately, she wanted to protest the assumption that she had feelings to begin with, but the words stuck to the roof of her mouth like lies. "My only point is that… well, perhaps it would not be so bad if you fell in love with your prince. Me, of all people," she scoffed to herself. "If it means choosing between the silent suffering of never knowing, and the chance of gaining the love of a lifetime, I hope you would stop being a coward and take the chance. Besides, if you really want my honest opinion – "

Yes, because it has helped so much thus far, Lan Fan thought bitterly.

" – I think you and the prince are made for each other."

Oh.

Lan Fan's vitriolic words sparked out on her tongue, leaving her mind blank in the aftermath of Makanay's simple words. The woman, having said her piece, had already turned on her side and was returning to sleep. Lan Fan, on the other hand, was reeling. Simply because she had no clue of what else to do, she stiffly returned to her sleeping position and stared wide-eyed at the ceiling of the barracks.

…perhaps it would not be so bad if you fell in love with your prince.

She squeezed her eyes tight and clenched her jaw until it ached. Makanay was right on one count, at least. These were dangerous feelings. How was it that everything had seemed so simple just a few short days ago? Now it felt like a puzzle she might not solve in a lifetime.

What truly scared her was not Makanay's accusation, or even the implications that there could be more. It was the uncertainty she felt within herself that gave her simple suggestions power. If she loved the young lord, everything would change.

But then, hasn't everything already changed?

Lan Fan sighed into the night and scrubbed her face in agitation, even as she heard Makanay's breathing level out and deepen. She wished she had the energy to be spiteful, but in the end, she felt like a washed out mess. She had been wrung dry by emotions that were leering at her from the shadows of her fears, and all she wanted to do was sleep. Peacefully sleep.

She focused on her breathing and nothing else, until the razor-sharp thoughts flying around her head became dulled and harmless. In the morning they would be cut her to ribbons, but for now, she was safe in the protective shroud of exhaustion. Like a stone falling to earth, she fell towards sleep, and to the answers she secretly hoped would be waiting for her there.