It was Monday in Paradise, Arizona. It was about eight-thirty AM and the alarm clock inside the Dude's trailer beeped without end. That is, until he swatted it to the floor in hungover and half-awakened disgust. As the Postal Dude sobered up, he threw on his usual attire. It consisted of a dark-brown trench coat, his alien logo blue shirt, and a pair of tight, comfortable, and dirty jeans. To top off his outfit, he slid on a pair of generic sunglasses. That is when he realized how hot it was, considering it was July in Arizona.
"Christ, it's as hot as the Devil's rectum in here. When did we move to Hell?" the Dude asked his wife, The Bitch, who was busy reading the local news of the elections coming up and the candidates. She was horribly obese and was missing at least half her teeth.
"You were the one who insisted on relocating for that stupid video game job!" bitched the Bitch as the Postal Dude tried to turn on the air conditioning. To his surprise, it was broken.
"Broken. Figures." The Postal Dude whipped out his Deagle pistol that was in his pants as he shot the useless piece of machinery. He put it back in his pants and tried to make his way over to the fridge, where he tripped and knocked down several cans of canned goods.
"When you're done screwing around, I've made a list of errands for you on the fridge."
The Postal Dude got up and did not walk towards the fridge, but hobbled like a gimp. He snatched the list and stuffed it into his pocket. The refrigerator door swung open and displayed all the usual items one would expect. Except for milk, which the Dude craved to get rid of his hangover.
"Where's the milk!?"
"It's on the damn list!"
"I'll put you on a damn list…" the Dude muttered back and left the trailer to the outside world. The temperature was approximately ninety degrees Fahrenheit and already the Dude started to sweat.
"And don't forget my Rocky Road!" the Bitch added as a last-minute errand to shove onto the Dude. He didn't listen as he went to his car to start the engine. He tried in vain for minutes until he decided to do all the errands on foot.
"All right, fine. We'll do this the tedious way. Now let's see here…"
He took out the list and read off the errands he had to do:
"Pick up some milk at the Lucky Ganesh…"
"Swing by work. Now, I was pretty hungover yesterday, but I think I remember where I work. Yeah, I do."
"Cash my crappy little paycheck. Simple enough."
The Dude stashed the list in his pocket again and went to the shed by the trailer. It contained nothing but a rustic shovel and a heavily-used crack pipe. The Dude grinned and put the pipe in his other pocket while carrying the shovel with one hand. While it may not look completely legal, he had a way to deal with whoever pissed him off. Now fully ready, the Dude set off on his journey to get cash and the milk on behalf of the Bitch.
The Dude's first stop was the Lucky Ganesh, the "All-American" grocery store. The moment he walked inside, he was greeted with a nauseating and horribly overpowering smell.
"Gah! What's that awful stench?" the Dude said loud enough that it could be heard by Habib, the shopkeeper,
"Did someone slaughter a goat in here? No seriously, I want to know."
"Hurry up and buy something! And come again, please." Habib addressed the Dude. Several customers looked awkwardly at the man with an uncomfortable trench coat carrying a dirty shovel in the store. Habib noticed it as well but did not care, as the only thing he cared about was making money. Little did Habib know, the Dude had no money and wasn't going to leave the Lucky Ganesh unless he had his milk for the Bitch. Around the back was where the milk was kept. That's where the Dude went, and lo and behold, stood a carton of goat milk. The last one, in fact, as the Dude grabbed it and smiled.
"Heha! Too easy. Now, can I make sure he lets me go with a self-imposed discount?"
There was already a long line of customers trying to buy their groceries. Waiting would simply take too damn long for the Dude's tastes. He had other errands to do so he could enjoy the simple pleasure of smoking crack and guzzling down beer with his newly made "friends" at his workplace. He took one glance at the line and said to himself,
"Yeah, no."
The Dude decided to make a beeline for the door. He was only a step from successfully stealing the milk until a sudden full-sized barrier dropped down in front of the door. The Dude smacked into it and fell on the dirty store floor as Habib left the register with a baseball bat in his hands.
"You will pay! Preferably with your wallet, please." Luckily, the Dude was still in his youth and quickly got up from the floor and abandoned the carton of milk. Both hands were on his shovel as Habib tried to swing his baseball bat. It went wide as the Dude ducked and countered with an immensely powerful swing of his own. The head of the shovel met with Habib's face with enough force to completely disconnect it from Habib's body. Quarts of blood gushed out of the hole on Habib's neck as his head bounced merrily around in the Lucky Ganesh.
"He's killing everyone! It's the apocalypse!" One terrified customer said and tried to flee from the Lucky Ganesh. Unfortunately, it was on lockdown. Fortunately, the way to the register was opened up, allowing the Dude to do whatever he pleased behind the counter. He stroked his goatee and searched Habib's body for a key to register.
"Let's just hope this isn't the key to the vegetable section." The Dude went behind the counter with high expectations. He opened up the register and found four-hundred dollars inside. All of the money was greedily pocketed. The Dude looked up at the customers, practically shitting their pants over what they just saw.
"Are you gonna stand there, or are you gonna get out of here like I am now that everything is on the house?"
A small button was felt and pressed by the Dude's sweaty hand as the exit opened up. The customers shrugged and started to help themselves to the various groceries in the store. As the Dude turned around, he saw the carton of milk in ruins. Its contents spilled out on the floor and made the store smell even worse.
"Fuck."
Not much else could be done as the Dude left the Lucky Ganesh with his blood-stained shovel as well as the baseball bat from Habib. Everybody nearby was fleeing in terror from what they had heard and saw go down in the Lucky Ganesh. Just as he stepped onto the main road, the Dude heard someone call for him,
"Wait, boy!"
The Dude turned around and saw a short, bald, overweight man in a yellow hunting jacket speak to him. His mouth was missing at least three teeth, and all of them were a visible shade of yellow.
"Boy, I heard what was going on in there, and judging from how you look…"
The Dude's heart started to race in fear of getting arrested or capped.
"…I wanna say, great job!"
"Fair enough," the Dude said. Just as he was about to turn around to head towards work, the man in the suit spoke again,
"You know, I can use someone like you! Someone's not afraid of getting their hands dirty and getting straight to point! How would you like to come and work with me as Paradise Pest Police? It pays well, is questionably legal, and a hell of a lot of fun!"
The Dude was confused.
"And by "Paradise Pest Police," you of course mean-"
"Gettin' rid of all of this city's vermin problems! Well, maybe most of them. But my point still stands. I'm giving you the opportunity of a lifetime to use that bloodlust of yours to do this city a whole lot of good!"
"Sounds completely legal and promising to me," the Dude said sarcastically.
"I'm warning you; you're missing out if you turn your hide around and leave!" announced the man. He walked back to his truck parked around the corner as the Dude contemplated the situation. Getting to kill "pests" did sound a lot more fun than working with video games to him, and it could probably pay a lot more. The Dude followed closely behind the man to a candy-apple-red pickup truck stocked with a dozen wooden crates. He crawled into the passenger seat and buckled up.
"I knew you had the smarts!" The man said as he started up the car.
"But first, I needs to train you in this line of work." He drove the truck towards the outskirts of Paradise where he had the perfect set up for new recruits like the Postal Dude.