I apologize for this chapter being relatively short, but I needed a filler of sorts. I'll post the next one as soon as I can! Thank you for all the follows and reviews, and I hope you enjoy :)
"I'm sorry, you did what?!"
Santana flinched in the chair as Kurt raised his voice in disbelief and horror.
After leaving Quinn, Santana had wandered through the streets aimlessly—for how long she didn't know. It wasn't until she returned to the loft to find Kurt and Rachel seated on the couch watching "The Sound of Music" did she realize it was nearing midnight already. Brittany and Sam were nowhere to be found, and Santana heaved a sigh of relief. Kurt and Rachel took one glance at Santana and could sense something was wrong; they wasted no time in commencing their inquiry, and Santana was soon telling them everything Quinn had said and what she had done afterwards. Kurt's jaw had dropped as he let out an audible gasp when Santana told them she had walked away, and Rachel's eyes widened in surprise.
Santana fiddled with her hands in her lap, refusing to meet Kurt's eyes. "I…left her there. I just walked away," she told him lamely. Now that she had time to think it all through, Santana regretted it with everything she had. She should've at least said something to Quinn. But she wouldn't have known what a good response was anyway.
Kurt started pacing around the room. "Let me get this straight. Quinn pretty much gave you her entire heart, I mean she practically handed it to you on a silver platter; Quinn, who almost never expresses her thoughts and emotions, who keeps everything locked up and hidden away so no one can use it against her, was able to stand in front of you and confess her feelings for you. Something that was probably one of the hardest things to do for her. And you walked away?! You walked away?" He stopped his walking to glare at Santana, who just nodded once in response. "Are you insane?" Kurt exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "Seriously, Santana, have you lost your mind?"
"I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know if I feel the same way…" Santana mumbled.
"What? A stable, committed relationship? You're not ready for that?" Kurt asked harshly.
Santana took a deep breath before responding. "I just…I don't know, okay? I'm not ready for love or whatever. It didn't work out last time I tried that, and I'm not ready to feel broken again."
Kurt closed his eyes and he seemed to be trying to stop himself from physically attacking Santana. "Santana," he said in a forced calm voice, and opened his eyes slowly, "that was years ago. Years! You can't keep using it as an excuse to not feel anything! Get over it!" He spun around and looked pleadingly at Rachel, who was still sitting on the couch and had yet to say a thing on the subject. "Rachel, a little help here?"
She stared at Santana intently for a second before shrugging her shoulders. "Honestly, Santana, I think you can do better than Quinn anyway."
Both Kurt and Santana gaped at her with wide eyes.
"Excuse me?" Santana growled.
"I'm just saying," Rachel answered, raising her hands innocently, "it's Quinn. Everyone knows how she works. She's heartless. She's self-centered. She'll most likely cheat on you, or just randomly leave you hanging one day. It's probably best you walked away tonight. There's someone more suited for you out there somewhere."
Santana felt red hot anger flash through her entire body. "Don't you dare talk about Quinn like that, Berry, or I swear to God I will go all Lima Heights on your ass. She's a hell of a lot more than what you described."
"It's only my opinion, but I do think you can do better," Rachel replied.
"Oh yeah? And what if I don't want to do better?" Santana retorted. "What if I don't give a damn about anyone else? What if she's the only one I want?"
Astoundingly, a wide grin formed on Rachel's lips and Santana almost strode across the room and slapped her. Kurt looked as though he couldn't believe what he was seeing.
"What the hell are you smiling about, Berry?" Santana cried.
The brunette wiggled her eyebrows mischievously. "You're seriously going to sit there and tell us that you don't feel the same way about Quinn?" Rachel challenged. "Because, based on the answer you just gave me, I'm thinking you're not being completely honest here, Santana. That's why I'm smiling. I had to play devil's advocate to get you to admit it, but at least we know now where you stand with Quinn."
Santana opened her mouth to respond but nothing came out. She snapped it shut and took a moment to compose her thoughts. "You have no clue what you're talking about. These so called 'feelings' for Quinn you're implying don't exist."
"They don't exist because you refuse to acknowledge them!" Rachel yelled fervently, and Santana had no idea why she was so invested in the situation.
"Whatever, Berry," Santana said. "You're still clueless."
"I don't know," Kurt started as he turned back to Santana, "Rachel has a point."
"Do you want to know what I think?" Rachel asked, and she leaned forward in her seat.
"Not really," Santana snarled.
Rachel disregarded her answer and continued. "You once said Quinn has had feelings for you since junior year, right?" When Santana nodded, Rachel went on, "I think, you have been in love with Quinn just as long as she's been in love with you. I think the two of you refused to admit it to yourselves, and to each other, through high school, because God forbid something came up to ruin your precious reputations."
Santana tried to cover up her shock by laughing mirthlessly. "Right, because you know me so well."
"I know that you would have done anything for Quinn in high school. I know you almost ripped off my head for hurting Quinn after I told Finn the baby wasn't his. I know you were downright terrified she wasn't going to survive the car crash." Rachel stared at Santana fixedly, as if daring her to deny the statements.
"That means nothing. We were best friends, it's not surprising I cared about her," Santana tried to deadpan.
Rachel nodded her head; she seemed to expect Santana's response. "Okay, then explain why you would sneak glances at her when she wasn't looking. No," Rachel persisted quickly, "actually, explain the way you looked at her at senior prom when you were singing together. Quinn stood up in front of everyone, you wrapped your arm around her, and you looked at her like she was the only person on the face of this earth. Like she was the one holding the universe together."
Santana's breath caught in her throat. Was it that obvious? She tried another approach at the argument. "But Brittany-"
"Was a wonderful part of your life," Rachel interrupted before Santana could even finish. "And everyone knew you were in love with her, that much was obvious. But I think the only reason you ever even turned to Brittany in the first place was because being in love with Quinn Fabray scared you to death. You couldn't admit it to her, you couldn't admit it to yourself, that's for sure, and more than anything, you were worried she didn't feel the same way; so you looked for comfort in Brittany, and found it. But deep down, you knew it wasn't going to last. You knew you were just settling."
"Why would I just settle like that?" Santana sneered, hoping her voice didn't give away how nervous she was getting. She was trying to find a flaw in Rachel's theory, but was coming up short in accomplishing that.
"Because it was better than acknowledging you were in love with Quinn. It was better than not being loved back by her, even though that wasn't even the case. If you didn't admit it, you wouldn't be as scared."
"I'm Santana Lopez," she said in an attempt at confidence, "I don't get scared of things."
"You do if the thing is Quinn," Rachel responded softly. "She was the only person at McKinley who had the power to ruin you. She was the only person above you on the high school food chain, and you figured admitting your feelings to her would just empower her that much more. Quinn was your only true rival at the time, while simultaneously being your best friend. It didn't make much sense, but it's how the two of you worked. Admitting you loved her had the possibility of screwing up the dynamics. And that? That completely petrified you." Rachel kept her tone kind and sympathetic, but not condescending.
"I loved Brittany," Santana whispered desperately. She was losing control of her emotions; Rachel was chipping away at Santana's internal walls and barriers surrounding the buried feelings for Quinn, and they were drawing closer and closer to the surface.
Rachel nodded. "I know. I know you did. She wasn't Quinn, though, was she? And she never would be." It touched the exact nerve it needed to.
"She wasn't Quinn," Santana breathed in confirmation. It was like the floodgates in Santana's body had suddenly been burst open; everything she had pushed away regarding Quinn, everything she had tried to deny, came rushing back after years of attempted concealment. She felt lightheaded as it all started to sink in. I'm in love with Quinn Fabray. Santana put her head in her hands as the abrupt admission to herself made breathing difficult.
"When did you know?" Kurt asked quietly. He hadn't spoken in a while, but Santana knew what he meant. It was no use trying to deny anything now; Rachel had reiterated exactly what had happened—Santana just didn't know how she did it.
She lifted her head and sighed before answering. "Sophomore year. That's when I knew for sure I was in love with her. After she got pregnant, of all things. She and Puck were sort of a thing, but not officially. Suddenly I was really protective of her. I didn't want Puck anywhere near her—I knew he would only do more harm than good at the time, even if his intentions were relatively sincere. And I would've been damned before I let anyone hurt her. I became jealous, and I had no idea why. It terrified me, though, just how bad it got. At first I told myself it was normal; Quinn was my best friend, she knew me better than anyone, even better than Brittany. Of course I was going to want to keep her safe. But I knew it was more than that. It was different. I saw how scared she was, and the only thing I wanted to do was take her in my arms and just hold her. Promise her it was all going to be okay."
Santana now understood how Quinn must have been feeling just a few hours earlier; open and vulnerable, at the hands of others where anything could happen. It wasn't the most comfortable feeling, but Santana knew the conversation was for the best.
"Did you love her before she got pregnant?" Kurt questioned.
Santana nodded slowly. "I think so. I hadn't admitted it, of course, but now that I look back at it, I believe I was in love with her long before she got pregnant. And, in retrospect, when I heard about the pregnancy, I'm surprised my heart didn't break. I'm surprised I wasn't devastated, and didn't feel unreasonably betrayed. I think it just intensified my feelings for her, to be honest."
"You didn't say anything?" Rachel inquired in a gentle voice.
Santana shook her head. "Of course I didn't. She was pregnant, for fuck's sake. Even if she had no idea what she wanted back then, there was absolutely no way she would've chosen me. It would have been a hopeless cause. So, I kept my mouth shut."
"But what about after she had Beth?" Rachel asked. "She wasn't dating anyone, you could have told her then."
"I was already with Brittany," Santana told her. "Well, we were already hooking up. She made me feel good, and I forgot about Quinn for a while when I was with her. I didn't see any point in calling it off to confess my feelings to a girl who probably wouldn't have reciprocated them."
"Santana," Kurt said with some force, "you do realize, don't you, that Quinn felt the same way? While you were going through all of this, she was dealing with the same thing. If you would have just told her…"
"Kurt, did Quinn give you any indication whatsoever she was into girls in high school?" Santana asked sharply. When he didn't respond, she continued, "I didn't think so. She dated Finn, she fucked Puck and had a baby, she dated Sam…I thought she was straighter than a ruler!"
"Fine, I get it," Rachel agreed swiftly, "but Santana, in case you haven't realized, we're not in high school. And Quinn basically just told you she loves you."
"Without actually saying 'I love you,'" Kurt added and Santana rolled her eyes.
"So, what?" she responded. "I just find her and tell her I love her? Tell her I've been in love with her for years?"
"Exactly," Rachel affirmed with a nod. "That is precisely what you do. That's what she did."
"I don't think it's that simple," Santana murmured, causing Rachel to raise her eyebrows questioningly.
"Isn't this exactly what you have wanted since sophomore year?" Rachel demanded.
"Yes," Santana sighed.
"Then why can't it be that simple, Santana?" Rachel seemed to genuinely want to understand where her friend was coming from, even if it was the land of irrationality.
"Because it is exactly what I have wanted since high school," Santana stated simply. "And now that I might have it, that means it's everything I have to lose."
"You have to stop being scared," Rachel told Santana. "You are never going to the find the love of your life if you're still caught up in the fact your last relationship didn't end well. You knew it wasn't going to end well, Santana. I'm not saying it's your fault; you spent most of your high school life being scared of wanting something you thought you would never get. But guess what? That thing you wanted? You have it. That person you're in love with? She just told you she feels the same way."
"I know," Santana whispered, but she didn't know what else to say.
"I'm done babying you," Rachel said. "I'm done providing you with reasons why you should tell Quinn how you feel. You should be able to do that on your own. Stop being scared, stop running. Stop thinking it's inconvenient for you to feel something. If you don't want to tell Quinn, fine. But I'll leave it at this, Santana: if you let her go, if you lose her, you are going to remember every opportunity you had to speak to her about this. And didn't."
There was a moment of silence before Kurt spoke up again. "So, what the hell are you going to do about it?"
Santana was quiet as she thought about the answer to that question, until Rachel jumped in.
"Do you love her?" she asked, and even though everyone knew the answer, the question seemed to be more for Santana's sake than her own; Rachel appeared to think Santana admitting it out loud, explicitly, would solve things. "I mean, are you in love with Quinn Fabray or not?"
"I don't think that even begins to cover it," Santana responded honestly. Her thoughts were becoming clearer, and she was beginning to wonder why she ever thought it had been a good idea to push away her feelings for Quinn. They were insurmountable. They were real. And she was feeling more and more confident by the minute. "I feel like I'm so in love with her to the point where even I don't understand it completely. I never knew it was possible to feel like this about another person. Quinn…makes sense. She helps life make sense, and I didn't think that was possible. If loving her means attempting to swim across the whole freaking ocean, I'm perfectly content with drowning. She makes me feel like I'm capable of doing anything. She knows all of my flaws and my quirks, and for some reason, has still chosen to be with me." Santana paused before summing up her feelings the best she could, "What I have with Quinn, I don't want with anyone else. So yes, Rachel, I am totally and completely in love with Quinn Fabray."
Kurt and Rachel were grinning by the time Santana was done professing her love.
"There it is!" Rachel cheered.
"God, it's about time you admitted it out loud!" Kurt shouted triumphantly.
Santana grinned at their reactions and waved her hand at them dismissively as she stood up. "Okay, well, as lovely as this conversation has been—seriously," Santana told them with conviction, "thank you for putting up with my nonsense. You guys are hardcore friends. I swear I'll be better from now on."
"It's our pleasure," Rachel replied earnestly while Kurt nodded enthusiastically.
"As I was saying," Santana continued, "though this conversation has been wonderful, you two aren't exactly the ones who need to hear it. So if you will excuse me, I have to go tell someone very special I'm in love with them."