TV Guide capsule for Saturday, Oct. 3, 1992:
9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy
Jonathan has to adjust to living with two sets of newlyweds and the always amorous Mona, while trying to sort out his own love life.
Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, an autumn Saturday afternoon
(Jonathan is sitting on the couch with Jenny Wittener.)
JONATHAN: …And then they apparently had a real wedding ceremony in Atlantic City.
JENNY: Wow! They took such a long time to get together. Eight years!
JONATHAN: It's almost thirty actually, because Sam recently told me that they shared their first "grown-up kiss" at summer camp.
JENNY: Wow, if I married the boy I had my first grown-up kiss with, it would be Harvey Parker. And he was a creep.
JONATHAN: I'm sorry.
JENNY: Who was your first grown-up kiss with?
JONATHAN: Uh, gee, I forget her name.
JENNY: It must not have been a very good kiss.
JONATHAN: No, it was nice. I ended up with her gum.
JENNY: Ew, gross!
JONATHAN: I didn't mind.
JENNY: Well, I think kissing is something that improves as you get older.
JONATHAN: Definitely. (Their eyes meet and he moves closer to kiss her. But then the front door opens to Mona and her date Jason, played by Dean Butler. They've got eyes only for each other and they don't notice the teens in the living room.)
JASON: Mona, I'm really glad I ran into you.
MONA: So am I, Jason.
JASON: You haven't changed a bit.
MONA: You're still as charming as ever.
JASON: Should we see what else hasn't changed?
MONA: Well.
JASON: I know, it's been eight years and we need to get to know each other all over again.
MONA: I would love to get to know you the way we did before. Unfortunately, Sam and her husband have moved into my apartment.
JASON: Little Sam? The housekeeper's tomboy daughter?
MONA: That's the one. (shaking her head) We have a lot of catching up to do.
JASON: Well, let's find somewhere where we can do that.
MONA: (conflicted) Well, I promised Angela I wouldn't bring any men home while I'm living under her roof, but as no one seems to be around— (She kisses him. Jonathan looks really embarrassed but unsure what to do.)
TONY: (offscreen) I'll get the oil, Angela. (Mona and Jason look towards the back of the living room set, where Tony's voice seems to be coming from, and they of course see Jonathan and Jenny. Before any of the four of them can think what to say, Tony enters, apparently from Angela's office, and he's shirtless. They stare at him. He looks very embarrassed.) Um, hi.
MONA: (entering the living room) And what exactly are you oiling in Angela's office?
TONY: Her, um, her chair. She's got this real squeaky chair.
ANGELA: (entering with her dress falling off her shoulders) Tony, I was thinking, maybe we should go upstairs instead. (seeing everyone) Oh, um, hi.
JENNY: Well, it's probably less crowded.
JONATHAN: (getting to his feet) I don't believe this! Come on, Jenny. (She shrugs and follows him towards the swinging door.)
ANGELA: Sweetheart, wait!
MONA: You might want to fix your dress first, Dear. (Angela blushes. Tony helps her zip up. Jonathan gives the adults a couple of disgusted looks and then pushes the swinging door.)
Scene II: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, a moment later
(Sam is sitting in Hank's lap as they neck. Jonathan enters, followed by Jenny.)
JONATHAN: (seeing Sam and Hank) I really don't believe this! (Sam and Hank look up at him.)
SAM: Is there a problem, Dweeb?
JONATHAN: Yes, there's a problem. (The four adults enter from the living room.) A lot of problems.
JASON: Is that Sam and her husband?
MONA: Yes. Jason, Hank. Hank, Jason.
HANK: (reaching up with one hand while still holding Sam with his other arm) Pleased to meet you.
JASON: Likewise.
SAM: Wait, not your college sweetheart Jason?
HANK: They were in college together?
JASON: I don't look my age.
HANK: Oh.
SAM: No, Mona was an older student, like Dad. Not that you're old, Dad. Or you either, Mona. Um. This is awkward.
JONATHAN: You noticed?
JENNY: Mrs. Robinson, I think your sweater is on inside-out and backwards. (Close-up of Mona, who looks down and notices the tag in the front. She smiles with as much embarrassment as she ever shows.)
MONA: I'd better go up and change.
JASON: Need any help with that?
MONA: If you wouldn't mind.
ANGELA: (in "boss" mode) Hold it. We had an agreement.
MONA: Dear, I don't think this is the moment for you to get on your moral high horse. Not when Tony's standing there shirtless.
TONY: I didn't want to get oil on my shirt!
JONATHAN: Jenny, I am so sorry about all of this.
JENNY: It's OK. Why don't we go to my house? No one's home.
JONATHAN: Yeah, that's what I thought about here.
ANGELA: Excuse me?
JONATHAN: Forget it, Mom. You all carry on like you were.
TONY: We're not carrying on! (Jonathan shakes his head and leads Jenny outside. She closes the door behind them.)
ANGELA: Jonathan!
SAM: Relax, Angela. They just want some privacy to kiss.
HANK: I know the feeling.
TONY: Sam, what are you doing in his lap?
SAM: We were just necking, Dad.
TONY: In the kitchen?
SAM: Oh, like you and Angela never have.
TONY: (indignantly) We never necked in the kitchen!
MONA: What about the time you were both drunk?
JASON: Wow, Mona, things have really changed around here.
MONA: You don't know the half of it.
ANGELA: Mother, I told you, that was just a kiss.
MONA: Oh, please, Angela, everyone knows you don't even remember most of that night.
HANK: I didn't know that.
JASON: Me neither.
ANGELA: Never mind who's kissed whom how and where. We're all adults. But my innocent baby has gone off to an empty house with a girl!
TONY: Angela, it's Jenny Wittener. It's not like it's Heather Harper.
ANGELA: You had to remind me of that.
TONY: Sorry. (Someone knocks on the door to outside.)
HANK: You want me to get that? I'm closest.
TONY: (sarcastically) Oh, no, don't get up. (He goes over and opens the door to Heather Harper.) Hey, Heather.
HEATHER: Hi, Mr. Micelli. Is Jonathan around?
HANK: (before anyone else can answer) Oh, you just missed him. He's at the Witteners'.
HEATHER: Oh, great! See you later. (She exits, closing the door behind her. Everyone stares at Hank.)
HANK: What? So she interrupts Jonathan and Jenny kissing. Isn't that what Angela wanted?
SAM: Honey, have you forgotten that Heather is staying for a year with her best friend Jenny Wittener? And that the two of them are both after Jonathan?
HANK: Oh, right. I did forget that. That's going to be awkward.
TONY: Wait, here's the best part. Three years ago, before Heather went to boarding school, she gave Jonathan his first real kiss.
HANK: Oh, so it was Heather's gum? (They all look at him.) Uh, Sam and I were eavesdropping on Jonathan a little.
JASON: You people have a lot of crossed boundaries in this house.
SAM: Tell me about it.
TONY: That's enough! Go to your room!
SAM: (leaping to her feet) OK! Come on, Hank!
TONY: Wait! (to Angela) I keep forgetting she's living over the garage. With him.
MONA: I can't forget it.
JASON: So, wait, if Sam and Hank have their own place, why were they necking in this kitchen?
HANK: Well, you know how it is, Dude. Sometimes when the spirit moves you, you don't care where you are.
TONY: Hey, hey, enough of that!
SAM: Dad, please if you're going to lecture, can you put on a shirt? (Tony looks embarrassed again. Then Jonathan returns from outside.)
JONATHAN: I just want you to know I hate this entire family! (He pushes past the crowd and out the swinging door.)
TONY: Have you noticed that ever since he hit puberty, he has this habit of entering a room, saying a few words, and then exiting out another door? (Everyone but Jason has a look of Hm, now that you mention it. Cut to opening credits.)
Scene III: Jonathan's room, about fifteen minutes later
(Jonathan is lying in bed, reading Scientific American, and listening to music on his Walkman. Someone knocks but he doesn't hear it because of the headphones.)
ANGELA: (offscreen) Jonathan? Sweetheart? We need to talk. (Pause.) OK, I'll go first. I know this is a difficult situation, for all of us, but probably for you most of all. I'm sure it's not easy living with two sets of newlyweds and a grandmother like yours.
MONA: (offscreen) And what's that supposed to mean?
ANGELA: Mother, please. We agreed that Tony and I would be the ones to approach him first.
MONA: Fine. I'll be at Jason's.
ANGELA: Mother, I didn't mean—
TONY: (offscreen) You want me to talk to her?
ANGELA: You promised you'd talk to Jonathan with me.
TONY: I don't know what to say. I mean the poor kid is obviously also confused about liking two girls who like him, except now he's probably lost both of them. And meanwhile everybody else in the house is, well, you know.
ANGELA: And that's another thing, Jonathan—Jonathan? Are you even listening to me?
TONY: Let me try. I was a teenage boy. Hey, Jonathan, Pal-o-Mine. Let me tell you a little story. (Angela sighs impatiently.) My mom died when I was real young. And I felt funny about my dad dating. He never brought anyone home of course, so maybe this isn't the best example.
ANGELA: Jonathan?
TONY: I hate the silent treatment, and the kid knows it.
ANGELA: Well, it's better than yelling.
TONY: (condescendingly but affectionately, probably shaking his head) WASPs.
ANGELA: Fine, Tony. Do you want to act like an Italian father and break down the door and get into a screaming match?
TONY: (eagerly) Can I?
ANGELA: No!
TONY: Well, I am opening the door, gently. (The doorknob rattles.) He locked it.
ANGELA: (banging on the door) Jonathan Michael Bower, you open this door right now!
TONY: Oo, Anglo-Saxon rage, look out! (Jonathan looks up, the noise cutting through the music. He sighs and goes to the door. He unlocks it and opens it. We can see that Tony has put on a shirt. Angela freezes with her fists in the air. Jonathan slips off the headphones. We can hear stormy classical music, like Dvorak.)
JONATHAN: (coldly) Did you want something? (Tony and Angela look at each other, realizing he missed everything they said.)
ANGELA: Can we come in?
JONATHAN: It's your house.
TONY: Yeah, but it's your room and we respect your privacy. (Jonathan rolls his eyes and goes back to bed.)
ANGELA: So, Sweetheart, I think we need to talk about this situation.
JONATHAN: I didn't even kiss her, Mom.
ANGELA: Oh, well, good. I mean, I'm sorry.
JONATHAN: You got what you wanted, sending Heather over there.
TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay, that was Hank that did that. And it's not like Heather wouldn't have shown up anyway, since she's staying there.
JONATHAN: (sighing) I know. It's just, I don't have any privacy here, and then all of you are, well, you know.
TONY: We know.
ANGELA: Jonathan, I know this is awkward for you. That's why I've asked your grandmother not to bring men home. And Tony has requested that Sam and Hank be more restrained when they're not in their apartment.
JONATHAN: And you two?
TONY: (snapping) Give me a break!
ANGELA: (surprised) Tony!
TONY: I'm sorry, Angela, but, gee whiz, for eight years you and I couldn't do anything, partly because of the kids. And I respected that, I wanted that. But we just got married and I'm getting tired of worrying about Jonathan hearing the bed squeak.
JONATHAN: Maybe you should oil it. (Tony and Angela both look embarrassed.) Not that there wouldn't still be something to overhear.
ANGELA: (nervously) What do you mean, Sweetheart?
JONATHAN: Well, Mom, do you remember when you and Dad got back together and I overheard him "teaching you jungle animal noises"?
TONY: You told him that?
ANGELA: I had to say something!
TONY: (muttering as he remembers) The call of the wild.
JONATHAN: Well, now it sounds like you've got a zoo in your bedroom.
TONY: (shocked) Jonathan!
ANGELA: (sheepishly) Tony and I have tried to be quiet, really.
JONATHAN: I know. That's what scares me. What if you weren't trying?
TONY: Look, what are we supposed to do? Stay in a hotel two or three nights a week?
ANGELA: (quietly) Seven. (Tony looks at her and seems proud. Jonathan rolls his eyes.)
JONATHAN: I don't know. Maybe I could move into Grandma's apartment over the garage.
TONY: Oh, no, I am not having Sam and Hank sleeping in your room! It's too close to Angela's room. I mean Angela's and my room.
JONATHAN: Now you know how I feel.
ANGELA: Maybe we could move them into your old room, Tony.
TONY: That's still too close.
JONATHAN: What about the attic?
TONY: You want to put Sam and Hank in the attic?
JONATHAN: No, I could move up there.
ANGELA: Hm, that's not a bad idea.
TONY: It does have possibilities. You could fix it up, with a beaded curtain for extra privacy. (Jonathan stares at him.) Well, it worked for Greg Brady!
ANGELA: We can discuss décor later. Jonathan, if this is what you want, we'll try to make it work.
JONATHAN: Well, let me check on something. Here. (He hands her his Walkman.) I'm going to go up to the attic. I want you to turn up the music, and I'll see if I can hear it from up there.
ANGELA: (amused) OK. (He exits.) Well, I guess that went better than it could've.
TONY: Yeah, I don't know why we didn't think of it before. This way, everyone gets a little more privacy.
ANGELA: Yes. (They look at each other and then kiss.)
TONY: (nuzzling her neck) Speaking of privacy.
ANGELA: Tony, not in Jonathan's room.
TONY: Well, you know how it is, Dude. Sometimes when the spirit moves you, you don't care where you are.
ANGELA: I'm not a dude.
TONY: Believe me, Angela, I'm well aware of that. (She giggles and then turns up the Walkman.) These kids and their wild music! (Angela laughs. They neck as the music swells. They don't hear Jonathan walking around above them. But they do hear when he screams and crashes through the floor. They look up and see a foot caught in the ceiling.) Oh, that's why we didn't think of this before. (Cut to commercial.)
Scene IV: The living room, a couple hours later
(Sam and Hank are necking on the couch, but they stop when the front door opens. Jonathan enters with his foot in a cast. He's leaning on Tony, who looks contrite. Angela hovers like a mother hen.)
ANGELA: Careful, Tony!
TONY: I am careful, Angela.
JONATHAN: Yeah, so careful that you forgot about the weak floor in the attic.
SAM: (amused) Hey, at least it wasn't your butt.
T & J: (simultaneously) Thanks, Sam.
HANK: I called my dad and he'll send someone over to fix the ceiling first thing tomorrow. And since you're family, he won't charge Sunday prices.
ANGELA: Wonderful.
JONATHAN: No hurry, it's not like I can sleep upstairs for awhile anyway.
ANGELA: That's right. You won't be able to manage those stairs. Maybe you'd better sleep in my office for the time being.
T & J: (simultaneously getting an idea) Your office!
ANGELA: Well, it's more private than if you slept on the couch out here.
JONATHAN: Yeah, real private!
ANGELA: Oh no! If you're thinking what I think you're thinking—
TONY: Angela, it's as far away from our bedroom as he can get and still be under our roof.
ANGELA: Yes, but, Tony, it's my office! My own space.
TONY: We could move your office up to my old room.
JONATHAN: Or you could take my room. After Mr. Thomopolous fixes the ceiling.
ANGELA: And what am I supposed to do if I have a meeting with a client at home? Invite them upstairs?
SAM: Why doesn't Jonathan just take Billy's old room? It's downstairs, by Angela's office. (They all look at her, wondering why they didn't think of this.)
ANGELA: Well, it's smaller than Jonathan's room upstairs.
JONATHAN: I don't care!
TONY: Let's try it for now and then see if it's worth making permanent.
Scene V: Billy's former room, a couple days later
(The room has been redecorated with Jonathan's belongings from upstairs. Tony has hung up a beaded curtain in the center of the room. Jonathan still has the cast of course. He's reading The Wall Street Journal. Someone knocks. He starts to get up and then decides it's too much bother.)
JONATHAN: Come in. (Heather enters.) Heather!
HEATHER: Hi, Jonathan. (as she pushes through the curtain) Cool beads!
JONATHAN: Thanks. What are you doing here? Not that it's not nice to see you.
HEATHER: You weren't in school today. And I heard a rumor that you'd been injured.
JONATHAN: (pointing at his cast) Well, yeah.
HEATHER: Oh, wow! Was it sports-related?
JONATHAN: I don't like to talk about it.
HEATHER: You're so brave and stoic!
JONATHAN: Well.
HEATHER: And modest.
JONATHAN: If you say so.
HEATHER: And cute.
JONATHAN: You think I'm cute?
HEATHER: Even cuter than when we were kids and you gave me my first grown-up kiss.
JONATHAN: You remember?
HEATHER: Well, I didn't at first but then Jenny reminded me.
JONATHAN: Oh, yeah, about Jenny.
HEATHER: It's OK. It's not like you and I have any sort of commitment these days.
JONATHAN: Well, no.
HEATHER: Would you like me to sign your cast?
JONATHAN: Yeah!
HEATHER: (sitting on the foot of the bed) I'm not jostling you, am I?
JONATHAN: Jostle me all you want! (She giggles.)
HEATHER: You're so funny, too. (She takes a red and a black marker out of her pocket and starts writing on the sole of his cast. He looks like he's going to swoon.)
JONATHAN: (his voice breaking a little) What are you writing?
HEATHER: I'm drawing a heart with the red marker.
JONATHAN: Great!
HEATHER: (uncapping the black marker) Should I put our initials?
JONATHAN: OK!
HEATHER: What's your middle initial?
JONATHAN: M, as in Michael.
HEATHER: (as she writes) JMB +— (Someone knocks.)
JONATHAN: (whispering) Hide!
HEATHER: (whispering back) Where?
JONATHAN: The closet. (She nods and goes to the closet, not closing the door all the way, so she can still breathe. The audience can still see her. Someone knocks again.) Come in! (The door opens and Jenny enters, carrying a Pee Chee folder.) Jenny! What are you doing here?
JENNY: I heard you got hurt, so I went and got your homework from your teachers.
JONATHAN: Wow, that's really thoughtful of you! (Heather rolls her eyes.)
JENNY: Well, also I felt bad about Saturday and—can I talk to you on the other side of this curtain thingy?
JONATHAN: Yeah, sure. (Jenny pushes through the beads.)
JENNY: Anyway, I'm really impressed that you're a senior already.
JONATHAN: Well, I skipped sixth grade.
JENNY: You always were so smart and mature.
JONATHAN: I guess so.
JENNY: Modest, too! (Heather huffs indignantly.)
JONATHAN: Thanks. And thanks for bringing my homework.
JENNY: No problem. Wow, you have to wear a cast?
JONATHAN: Yeah, for six weeks. But I had a gymnastics injury years ago, so I'm used to this kind of thing.
JENNY: So brave, too. (coming closer) And cute!
JONATHAN: Jenny, I'm really flattered but—
JENNY: Jonathan, I'm sorry I got so jealous over Heather. I know you were just a victim.
JONATHAN: A victim?
JENNY: Yes, she flirts with lots of boys.
JONATHAN: Oh.
JENNY: The one I'm really jealous of is the girl you first kissed. Even Heather got jealous when I told her about it.
JONATHAN: You shouldn't have done that.
JENNY: I know, it was your personal story. Do you forgive me?
JONATHAN: Yeah, sure.
JENNY: (sitting on the bed next to him) Then let's kiss and make up.
JONATHAN: (incredibly conflicted) Jenny, wait!
JENNY: For what? You wanted to kiss me the other day in the living room, didn't you? (Heather is fuming but she knows she doesn't want Jenny to see her in Jonathan's room.)
JONATHAN: Well, yeah, but it's different in a bedroom.
JENNY: (innocently) Different? In what way? (Heather rolls her eyes. Then someone knocks.)
JONATHAN: (whispering) That's one difference.
JENNY: (whispering back) Should I hide?
JONATHAN: Yeah, but quick!
ANGELA: (offscreen) Jonathan? (Jenny dashes towards the closet. Jonathan wants to stop her, but he can't get out of bed fast enough. Jenny yanks open the closet door and sees Heather. Both girls scream. Angela yanks open the bedroom door and screams. Jonathan puts his head in his hands. Cut to commercial.)
Scene VI: The living room, a minute earlier
(Tony is looking at the want ads and seems discouraged. He brightens up when Angela enters the front door.)
ANGELA: (setting down her briefcase) Honey, I'm home.
TONY: Welcome back. (He goes over to her and gives her a warm hug and kiss.) How was your day?
ANGELA: Great! I've got two new clients.
TONY: Congratulations!
ANGELA: Thank you. How was your day?
TONY: (sighing) Quiet. I just did the fall cleaning, moved down some more of Jonathan's stuff from his old room, and made lunch for me and him. Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes.
ANGELA: Tony, you don't have to do all that. You're not my housekeeper anymore.
TONY: I may as well be. No one else will hire me.
ANGELA: Don't get discouraged. You'll find something.
TONY: I don't know, Angela. School's already started and who'd be looking for a teacher now?
ANGELA: Maybe you could become a substitute.
TONY: Yeah, I guess. (She gives him a kiss on the cheek.)
ANGELA: I have faith in you.
TONY: (meaning it) Thank you.
ANGELA: How's Jonathan doing?
TONY: OK I guess. It's been a rough last couple days for him.
ANGELA: I'll go check on him. (She crosses to the back of the living room set, while Tony heads towards the kitchen.)
Scene VII: The kitchen, a moment later
(Sam is again sitting in Hank's lap as they neck. Tony enters the swinging door.)
TONY: (getting tired of this) Samantha!
SAM: (standing up quickly) Sorry, Dad.
HANK: So when's dinner going to be ready?
TONY: You know, you two do have a kitchen of your own.
SAM: Dad, you know I can't cook.
TONY: What are you going to do when you move further away than across the driveway?
HANK: Order a lot of pizza? (Tony rolls his eyes but goes over to the stove to check on dinner. Then we hear the girls and then Angela screaming. Tony, Sam, and Hank look at each other in confusion. Then Mona comes in from outside.)
MONA: Did I just hear women screaming?
HANK: I think it was coming from Jonathan's new room.
MONA: I didn't think the kid had it in him.
TONY: (scolding) Mona.
SAM: Wow, Mona, are you getting home just now? What was that, a two-day date?
MONA: Don't be silly, Samantha. I did go in to work today. (Angela enters from the swinging door. She looks shell-shocked.)
TONY: Angela? Baby, are you all right?
ANGELA: (hysterically) Jonathan—two girls—the closet—and I heard someone talk about kissing—and a heart on the bottom of the foot!
SAM: Jonathan was kissing a girl in his closet, and stepping on the other one's heart?
HANK: Oh, I thought two girls came out of the closet together and stepped on Jonathan's heart.
MONA: Oh, I thought she was talking about some sort of foot fetish. (Tony looks at the three of them in disbelief then at Angela in sympathy.)
TONY: (leading her to a chair) Sit down, Baby. Just breathe. (Angela inhales and exhales slowly.) Is that better? (She nods.) OK, now just slowly and calmly, tell us what happened.
ANGELA: (slowly and calmly) Jonathan. Two girls. The closet. And I heard someone talk about kissing. And a heart on the bottom of the foot.
TONY: Oh, why didn't you say so? (Heather and Jenny enter from the swinging door.)
HEATHER: Mrs. Bower, it wasn't what it looked like.
JENNY: Mrs. Micelli, neither of us have even kissed Jonathan. (glaring at Heather) At least not recently.
HEATHER: And we're not going to. At least I'm not. Not when he can't make up his mind about us.
HANK: How can you expect him to make up his mind when he hasn't even kissed you? Recently. (Everyone but Mona stares at him.)
MONA: He's got a good point.
ANGELA: No, he does not! (Jonathan hobbles through the swinging door, using a crutch. He looks overwhelmed, particularly by the crowd he finds in the kitchen.)
JONATHAN: Um, hi.
HEATHER: Kiss me, Jonathan.
JONATHAN: Huh?
JENNY: And then kiss me. And then make up your damn mind! (They all look shocked at demure-looking Jenny swearing.)
JONATHAN: I totally don't believe this. (He hobbles back out the door.)
TONY: See? What did I tell you?
HANK: Yeah, but this time he left by the same door he entered.
HEATHER: Jonathan! (She goes after him.)
JENNY: Oh, no, you don't! (She goes after them.)
ANGELA: They wouldn't! (She storms out after them.)
MONA: Oo, it looks like I got home just in time. (She eagerly heads out to the living room.)
SAM: Hank, you coming?
HANK: Sam, what about Jonathan's privacy?
SAM: Come on, how often do you get to see a dweeb judge a kissing contest?
TONY: Samantha, don't call your stepbrother a dweeb!
SAM: Just because you and Angela got married, that doesn't mean everything has changed. (She exits and Hank reluctantly follows. Tony sighs and decides he may as well join everyone in the living room.)
Scene VIII: The living room, a moment later
(Reading the screen from left to right, Mona, Sam, and Hank are sitting on the couch. Jenny, Jonathan, and Heather are standing, Heather putting on lip gloss. Angela is closest to the kitchen.)
ANGELA: Tony, get a stopwatch.
TONY: (in disbelief) You want me to go get Bruce Weinberger?
ANGELA: No, just a stopwatch. I'm limiting them to fifteen seconds each. And no tongues!
MONA: Angela manages to be both strict and permissive.
ANGELA: Mother, I'm not happy about this.
JONATHAN: Neither am I. (They all look at him.) Well, maybe a little happy. I just would prefer this without an audience.
SAM: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dad, get your anniversary watch!
TONY: Samantha, that is a special watch. It was not meant for tawdry moments like this. I'll get the kitchen timer. Oh, dinner in five minutes. You're all invited. (He exits back to the kitchen.)
HEATHER: Maybe some of us won't want to stick around after the contest.
JENNY: Can't stand the heat of competition, huh, Harper?
HEATHER: Listen, Wittener— (Tony returns with an electronic kitchen timer.)
TONY: OK, let me know when to start. (Jonathan coughs.)
JONATHAN: OK, I'm ready. (He puckers up.)
SAM: Maybe I don't want to watch.
HANK: I know, but it's like passing an accident on the freeway. I can't look away.
ANGELA: Just get it over with!
MONA: Go for it, Heather! (Tony starts the timer as Heather leans in and gives Jonathan a sultry but close-mouthed kiss.)
ANGELA: (peeking through her fingers like it's a horror movie) Oh God!
TONY: Be glad there's no gum this time. And…time! (Angela steps over and waves her arms like she's a referee. Heather and Jonathan stop kissing. He looks like he's going to lose his balance on his crutch.)
HEATHER: (to Jenny) Top that, Witless.
JENNY: Piece of cake, Harpy.
MONA: You want to bet on this, Sam?
SAM: Gee, I don't know, Mone. Heather's got style but Jenny might be a dark horse.
TONY: (looking at Angela) Yeah, you gotta watch the quiet ones with glasses.
ANGELA: (blushing but trying to be stern) Jennifer, you're up. And be quick about it.
JENNY: Yes, Mrs. Micelli. (She approaches Jonathan shyly, then looks around at everyone.)
MONA: (grandmotherly) Just forget we're here, Dear. (aside to Sam) Five bucks on Four Eyes. (Sam nods.)
ANGELA: Tony?
TONY: Ready when they are, Angela.
JENNY: (to Jonathan) Should I take off my glasses?
JONATHAN: (to Tony and Angela) Does that count as part of the fifteen seconds?
TONY: I'm just timing lip contact. (Jonathan nods encouragingly at Jenny, who takes off her glasses.)
JONATHAN: Wow, you're really pretty without your glasses! Not that you're not pretty with them. (glancing at Heather) And not that you're not pretty.
JENNY: Jonathan, shut up and kiss me. (He does. But unnoticed by everyone, Wendy Wittener enters from the front door Angela left open when she came home.)
TONY: And…time! (The kiss stops.)
WENDY: What the hell is going on?
JENNY: (embarrassed) Oh, hi, Mom.
HEATHER: (false sweetly) Hi, Mrs. Wittener.
ANGELA: You want to know what's going on, Wendy? Your daughter and her friend besieged my poor wounded son in his bedroom!
WENDY: And so you're making them kiss in the living room while Tony times them?
ANGELA: Well, not exactly.
WENDY: Never mind. Girls, you're going home right now.
HEATHER: But I didn't do anything!
WENDY: Your mother is on the phone and she wants to talk to you.
HEATHER: (nervously) About what?
WENDY: Well, she and your father have decided that rather than sell your house, they're going to rent it. I was going to ask Tony and Angela if they know of any prospective tenants, but now! I don't think so!
SAM: (excitedly) Hank, we could rent it!
HANK: Sam, we can't afford to rent a house, especially when you're not out of school yet.
SAM: We could get roommates!
HANK: I don't know if I want to live with anyone else. It's been weird enough living with your family. (Cut to commercial.)
Scene IX: The kitchen, that night
(Tony and Angela are eating ice cream and dressed in robes and pajamas, as if this is a midnight snack.)
ANGELA: Well, I'm glad that's all straightened out.
TONY: Yeah, and Sam and Hank will be living next door, far enough away for privacy but still close enough to drop in at mealtimes. And they swear they'll stop necking in our kitchen.
ANGELA: Yes, and Mother will get her apartment back, so she's happy.
TONY: Of course, we'll still have to figure out how to chaperone Jonathan in his bachelor pad while having privacy upstairs.
ANGELA: He never did say which girl was the better kisser.
TONY: He's probably like me, Angela. The last is the best.
ANGELA: But I was also your first.
TONY: And you're a quiet one with glasses.
ANGELA: Sometimes I'm quiet. (Tony growls. She growls back.)
TONY: So, Angela, you wanna neck in the kitchen?
ANGELA: Why not? We're alone. (They kiss but then Jonathan enters from outside, dressed as if for a date, still with his crutch, so they stop.)
JONATHAN: Pretend I'm not here, because in a moment I won't be. (He exits through the swinging door.)
TONY: Do you think he was out with Jenny? Or maybe—
ANGELA: Tony, shut up and kiss me. (He does. The end credits roll.)