TV Guide capsule for Saturday, Dec. 5, 1992:
9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy
Jonathan tries out for the basketball team, which Tony coaches.
Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, evening
(Mona is sitting on the couch, flipping through the manuscript for Love Slaves of the Suburbs.)
MONA: I can't believe Angela still had this lying around in the garage after five or six years. I think with my expertise, I may be able to turn this worthless garbage into profitable garbage. Let's see. (She takes up a pen and starts jotting down ideas, crossing some things out.) Montgomery had just taken Roxanne into his manly arms and started to stroke her flaxen hair. Mm hm. I guess there's no point in asking Tony and Angela to act out the scene again. They're not that shy anymore, and I'm not going for being banned in Boston. Not over a book anyway. (The door opens and she hastily hides the manuscript under a sofa cushion, as Tony, Angela, and Jonathan enter. Tony looks worried.) How was the basketball game? Did you lose?
ANGELA: Mother!
TONY: Worse than losing.
MONA: What's worse than losing?
JONATHAN: Lewis Parker, one of the players, got injured.
MONA: (shaking her head) Wow, Fairfield High isn't having much of a year, are you? First the former coach gets stampeded by his own football team and now this.
JONATHAN: Tell me about it.
TONY: Parker isn't seriously injured, but he will have to sit out the rest of the season.
MONA: So what happens to the team?
TONY: Well, I'll hold try-outs on Monday. See who we get.
MONA: Do you think you'll get many guys trying out?
TONY: I don't know.
JONATHAN: I think I'd like to.
TONY: (smiling) Yeah? Maybe we can shoot some hoops this weekend, get you ready.
ANGELA: No, I forbid it! (They all look at her.)
TONY: Ay, Angela, it's not nepotism. I'll judge Jonathan fairly, just like I do in the classroom.
ANGELA: No, he might get hurt!
JONATHAN: Mom, it's just basketball.
ANGELA: You injured your foot just a couple months ago. And what about your gymnastics injury?
JONATHAN: That was years ago!
TONY: Angela, I understand your concern, but Jonathan's almost a grown man. You need to let him take risks.
ANGELA: Oh, I'm sure that's what they told Mrs. Parker! (She runs upstairs.)
TONY: Sorry about that, Jonathan. But you know, with the pregnancy hormones and everything, she's a little more emotional.
JONATHAN: No, Mom's always been like this. I just wish she'd accept that I'm not a little kid anymore.
TONY: Do you want me to talk to her?
JONATHAN: Could you?
TONY: Yeah, of course, Pal-o-Mine. And we can practice tomorrow.
JONATHAN: Thanks, Tony, you're the best.
TONY: Yeah, well. (He heads upstairs.)
JONATHAN: I'm going to get a snack. I wonder what basketball players eat.
MONA: Probably donuts and coffee, so they can make a—
JONATHAN: (nodding) Slam dunk. Funny, Grandma.
MONA: Just don't dribble on yourself! (Jonathan gives a fake laugh and exits towards the kitchen. Mona takes the manuscript out from under the cushion and starts writing.) "Montgomery kissed away Roxanne's tears as she worried about her 16-year-old son joining the French Foreign Legion…."
Scene II: Angela & Tony's bedroom, soon after
(Angela is sitting on the windowseat, quietly crying. Tony comes in, sits down, and wordlessly embraces her from behind. She nestles against him.)
ANGELA: He's my baby. I mean, I know we'll have new babies soon, but he'll always be my firstborn.
TONY: (stroking her stomach) I know, Sweetheart. I feel that way about Sam. But I let her play basketball.
ANGELA: And baseball and all the other sports. But Jonathan's never been athletic like Sam.
TONY: Angela, why did you hire me eight years ago?
ANGELA: Because this place looked like a pit?
TONY: Well, that, too. But Jonathan's grade-school psychologist said he needed a male role model.
ANGELA: And you've been a wonderful one for him. You've taught him to be confident, respectful, and hard-working.
TONY: Well, I think you can take some of the credit for that. But I taught him how to shoot hoops. And he's pretty good, for a Bower.
ANGELA: Thank you.
TONY: Come on, Angela. He might not even make the team.
ANGELA: Tony, if you don't let him on the team, he's going to think I talked you out of it.
TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay, I wouldn't let you do that.
ANGELA: What if I seduced you?
TONY: Are you saying you're going to try to seduce me in order to keep Jonathan off the team?
ANGELA: Would it work?
TONY: (grinning) Ay, I'm pretty incorruptible, but give it your best shot. (She turns and gives him a big kiss, one hand running through his hair, the other down his back.) Maybe Parker will recover in time for the next game. Or who knows, I might seduce you into letting Jonathan try out. (They give each other The Look. Roll opening credits.)
Scene III: Tony's high school classroom, late afternoon
(The same students as in Episode 6 are there, except for Lewis Parker. Tony is standing in front of the chalkboard, where he's written some notes on "freedom of assembly.")
TONY: …And to answer your earlier question, Heather, no, it has nothing to do with IKEA. (She nods. The dismissal bell rings. The students file out. Jonathan passes by.) Ay, Bower, will you be there?
JONATHAN: Yeah, I'll be there, Ton—Mr. Micelli.
TONY: (smiling) See you soon. (Zack Bueller, a jock, starts to pass by.) Bueller, can I talk to you?
ZACK: Yeah, sure, Coach. (Tony waits till all the other students have gone by.)
TONY: About the try-outs today.
ZACK: Yeah, I'll be there. I know you want to see how the new guys fit in.
TONY: Good. But the way your grades have been slipping lately, Parker might not be the only one I have to replace.
ZACK: You kickin' me off the team?
TONY: I don't want to, but you know the rules.
ZACK: I'm the best player you have!
TONY: You're good. But life isn't just sports. Don't you want to go to college next year?
ZACK: Yeah, I'm hopin' to get an athletic scholarship. But I can't if you kick me off the team!
TONY: (shaking his head) Look, being a jock is great. I know. But it doesn't last forever.
ZACK: Are you sayin' I'm gonna end up a housekeeper?
TONY: (trying to control his temper) Not unless you improve your time management skills. Look, I'm not going to make the decision right away. Let's see how you do on the exam in here on Thursday. If you do well enough, it'll bring up your grade in here, and your overall GPA. Deal? (He holds out his hand.)
ZACK: (not shaking) Yeah, I guess. (He exits. Tony sighs and shakes his head, then puts his notes and everything in his briefcase.)
Scene IV: The basketball court, later that afternoon
(Tony, the team, and the guys trying out, including Washington and Adams, are there.)
TONY: (reading off his list) And last up, Bower. (Jonathan takes a deep breath and gets off the bench. He plays one-on-one against Zack and does surprisingly well, since Zack is overconfident. Tony tries not to beam.) Good job, Bower. OK, step up to the free throw lane and shoot some hoops. (Jonathan does, making baskets most of the time.) Great! (Tony clears his throat.) OK, I'm going to need a couple minutes to decide. So everybody wait right here. (He exits to the locker room.)
WASHINGTON: How long is it going to take for him to pick his stepson?
ADAMS: Maybe he's going to call his wife and say, "Yes, Dear, your kid is on the team." (Most of the guys laugh.)
JONATHAN: Listen, my mom doesn't even want me playing basketball! Ton—Mr. Micelli had to talk her into it! (The guys find this even funnier.)
WASHINGTON: Aww, Mommy doesn't want you to play!
ADAMS: Bower, maybe you should stick to the chess club. Or is that too rough for Mommy's little boy?
BUELLER: Ay, lay off the guy, will ya? I can understand his mom might be worried after what happened to Parker.
WASHINGTON: That was pretty rough.
ADAMS: Yeah, I'll admit it made me have second thoughts. But then I thought about all the hot babes that jocks get.
BUELLER: We don't get that many. (His teammates look at him.) Well, six isn't that many, is it? (All the guys laugh. Jonathan isn't comfortable with this locker-room type talk, but he tries to act naturally and laugh along knowingly. Bueller looks at him.) Hey, Bower, can I talk to you a minute?
JONATHAN: Yeah, sure, Bueller. (He lets Bueller lead him aside.) What's up?
BUELLER: You had some good moves out there.
JONATHAN: Thanks, you, too.
BUELLER: Well, I've been doing this awhile. But it probably helps to have the coach for your stepfather.
JONATHAN: Listen, Tony and I practiced a little this weekend but—
BUELLER: Hey, no, it's cool. There's nothing wrong with using what advantages you've got.
JONATHAN: Well, yeah. But he's promised me and my mom that he'll judge me fairly. (He looks like he wonders if he shouldn't have mentioned his mother again.)
BUELLER: I think you'll get on the team because you're good. And that means we'll be teammates. And teammates help each other out, right?
JONATHAN: Yeah, of course. I like that basketball really is a team sport. Even when there are stars, everyone contributes to the success.
BUELLER: Exactly. And not just in basketball.
JONATHAN: What do you mean?
BUELLER: Well, let's say I was having a great party on Saturday, with a live band and lots of cute girls. I could help a teammate out by inviting him, right?
JONATHAN: I'm invited to a Zack Bueller party?
BUELLER: Well, yeah, if you make the team. Which you probably will.
JONATHAN: Wow, I don't know how to thank you!
BUELLER: Well, you never know when you might be able to return the favor.
JONATHAN: Well, I could tutor you if you want. Uh, no offense, but I heard that your grades aren't that great.
BUELLER: That's not a bad idea. But I'm a busy guy.
JONATHAN: Yeah, with six hot babes.
BUELLER: Well, that's just a lifetime total. But I mean with basketball and other stuff. Wouldn't it be great if you could help me get an A on the History exam this week?
JONATHAN: I don't think I could manage that in just a few days of tutoring.
BUELLER: Wouldn't it be great if there were some sort of shortcut?
JONATHAN: A shortcut?
BUELLER: Yeah. OK, here's a quick quiz. What's another term for the free throw lane?
JONATHAN: Oh, give me a minute. Grandma was reviewing these with me at breakfast. Um, the paint?
BUELLER: Good guess. (gesturing encouragingly) It's also known as—
JONATHAN: The key?
BUELLER: Bingo!
JONATHAN: (puzzled) The key? (Tony returns so Bueller goes back to sit with other guys. Jonathan follows.)
TONY: OK, this was a really tough decision, especially since I don't know for sure if or when Parker is coming back. Or if I'll have to make other changes. (He carefully doesn't look at Bueller.) So I want Washington—
WASHINGTON: Yes! (He high-fives with Adams.)
TONY: As a back-up replacement.
WASHINGTON: (disappointed) Oh.
TONY: And as a replacement for Parker, I want Bower. (Jonathan doesn't know how to react, especially since he's not sure what his deal is with Bueller.) Ay, can I have a little more enthusiasm here?
GUYS: (listlessly) Go, Bower.
TONY: Well, it'll have to do. (He shakes his head and exits out to the hallway.)
BUELLER: (patting Jonathan on the back) Good going, Bower. Can I talk to you again?
JONATHAN: (glancing at his watch) Gee, I'm sorry, but I have to go do my puppet show. (He exits quickly.)
GUYS: Puppet show?!
Scene V: Tony's classroom, a couple minutes later
(Tony is at his desk. Jonathan enters.)
JONATHAN: Hi, Tony.
TONY: (looking up) Ay, good goin' out there.
JONATHAN: Thanks.
TONY: And you got it on your own merits you know.
JONATHAN: Thanks.
TONY: Is something wrong?
JONATHAN: I'm not sure.
TONY: Ay, aren't you going to be late for the puppet show?
JONATHAN: I've got a couple minutes. Tony, what would you do if a friend asked you to do something, but you're not sure you can?
TONY: Oh, I get it. You feel guilty about Hank's show. You're not going to be able to keep helping him out now that you're on the team. Well, that is a dilemma. But sometimes you have to make choices in life. And a real friend would understand.
JONATHAN: Yeah. Thanks, Tony.
TONY: Go ahead and do the show today, since there's no basketball practice. And I'll talk to your mom again when she gets home. (He reaches into a drawer and takes something out.) I almost forgot this. I can't leave it just lying around for anyone to find.
JONATHAN: What is it?
TONY: (dropping his voice) Well, don't tell anyone, but it's the answer key for Thursday's exam.
JONATHAN: (realizing) Oh! The key!
TONY: (putting the sheet of paper in his briefcase) Yeah, I can trust you, Buddy. Not that you'd ever need to or want to cheat, am I right?
JONATHAN: Right. Well, I'd better get to the studio.
TONY: Catch ya later, Magic.
JONATHAN: Ha ha, right. (He exits, still looking uncertain. Tony looks after him, then shrugs and zips up his briefcase. Cut to commercial.)
Scene VI: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, early evening
(Bonnie is making dinner and rocking out to the music on her Sony Discman. Jonathan enters from outside. She sees him and waves.)
JONATHAN: Hi, Bonnie. Um, can I talk to you? (She nods.) Well, I made the basketball team.
BONNIE: All right!
JONATHAN: Thanks. The thing is, one of my teammates wants me to help him cheat. (She nods again.) And I know it's wrong but he's really cool and it's just one test. And he'll help me meet hot babes. (She nods yet again.) Aren't you shocked? I'm a good kid. I'm a nerd! I'm not supposed to have these kinds of dilemmas. Say something!
BONNIE: (slipping off her headphones) I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the music. Could you start over?
JONATHAN: (sighing) Never mind.
BONNIE: Is something bothering you?
JONATHAN: Well, yeah.
BONNIE: Oh, I know what it is!
JONATHAN: You do?
BONNIE: Yes, Hank killed off your character on his show today. It was so sad! But funny. I cried and I laughed.
JONATHAN: Well, good. But I asked him to kill me off because I made the basketball team and I can't do the show anymore.
BONNIE: You did? Congratulations! But poor Hank!
JONATHAN: That's not my problem.
BONNIE: Wow, that's really callous of you, Jonathan!
JONATHAN: I don't mean it's not my problem like I don't give a damn. I mean that that's not the particular problem of mine that's bothering me right now.
BONNIE: So what problem is bothering you?
JONATHAN: Someone wants me to cheat.
BONNIE: But you're not even dating right now.
JONATHAN: No, Bonnie, cheat on a test.
BONNIE: Why would you cheat? You get good grades even though you skipped a year.
JONATHAN: I mean help someone else cheat.
BONNIE: (shocked) Jonathan!
JONATHAN: I know it's wrong but—
BONNIE: Of course it's wrong. All cheating is wrong! Except cheating on a diet over the holidays.
JONATHAN: (slowly) Right.
BONNIE: Besides, you'll get caught. That's what happened to Sam, remember?
JONATHAN: I remember. But this is different. I would get ahold of the answers, copy them, and pass them on to my friend. And then he could memorize them. So it's really like he's learning, just selectively.
BONNIE: (shaking her head) I don't know, Jonathan, it still sounds wrong. Besides, where would you get the answers?
JONATHAN: I have my sources. Anyway, thanks, Bonnie. (He exits to the living room, while she looks puzzled, then shrugs and puts her headphones back on.)
Scene VII: The Bower-Micelli living room, a moment later
(Mona is working on the manuscript. She has no time to hide it when Jonathan enters through the swinging door.)
JONATHAN: Grandma, what are you doing?
MONA: This? These are some notes your mother asked me to type up at home.
JONATHAN: All that? Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but you're underpaid!
MONA: Well, yes, but luckily I love my work.
JONATHAN: (to himself) I'm in the Twilight Zone, that's the only explanation for all this.
MONA: All what, Dear?
JONATHAN: Never mind. I'm going to my room. (She waits till he exits at the back of the set, in the direction of his bedroom. Then she starts working on the manuscript again.)
MONA: Roxanne's young son had returned from the war, shell-shocked. Montgomery comforted her as he knew best…. (Bonnie enters from the kitchen, without the headphones on.)
BONNIE: Oh, hi, Mona, I didn't hear you come home.
MONA: I'm not surprised. (pointing at the headphones) Can I have a listen?
BONNIE: Sure. (She puts the headphones over Mona's ears. Mona starts headbanging. Bonnie looks like she thinks this is very cool. Then Mona stops and takes off the headphones.)
MONA: That's rough on the hair.
BONNIE: Yeah, Al tries to discourage me from rocking out after he does mine.
MONA: Does your what?
BONNIE: (shocked and amused) Mona!
MONA: Come on, you two are living with newlyweds and you're not inspired to get a little something going with each other?
BONNIE: (blushing a little) Well, Al is cute and we flirt sometimes, but he's so Brooklyn! And not like Tony. Not that I have a crush on Tony!
MONA: Uh huh. Go on, this is really interesting.
BONNIE: Mona, how do you always get me to say things I don't mean to?
MONA: It's a gift. Any other confessions you'd like to make?
BONNIE: (blurting it out) I know someone who might cheat!
MONA: If it's Joanne Parker or Diane Wilmington, you're about a decade late with that news.
BONNIE: No, it's someone you know very well. Someone you care about.
MONA: (no longer amused) Sam? Hank?
BONNIE: No, this person lives closer to you.
MONA: (taken aback) Not Tony!
BONNIE: No.
MONA: It couldn't be Angela. She wouldn't!
BONNIE: No, but you're getting closer.
MONA: Jonathan?
BONNIE: I didn't say that!
MONA: Jonathan isn't even dating anyone right now. And after failing to decide between Heather Harper and Jenny Wittener, why would he cheat even if he could?
BONNIE: It's not that kind of cheating.
MONA: Jonathan's going to cheat in school?
BONNIE: No, not exactly.
MONA: He's going to help someone cheat. As the stepson of the History teacher
BONNIE: Wow, you're good!
MONA: I know. Bonnie, what makes you think Jonathan is going to help someone cheat?
BONNIE: He told me.
MONA: I see. And how is he going to go about it?
BONNIE: He's going to steal the answer key and pass it on to his friend. But I didn't tell you that!
MONA: I see.
BONNIE: Mona, did Angela come home with you?
MONA: No, she was taking a later train. Where's Tony?
BONNIE: He said he was going upstairs to work on something for school. Oh no! The answer key!
MONA: Maybe. I wouldn't mention that to Jonathan if I were you.
BONNIE: Don't worry, Mona, I can keep a secret.
MONA: Of course you can, Dear. Now about Jonathan— (Angela enters from the front door. Mona has just enough time to hide the manuscript under a cushion. Bonnie looks at it. Mona mouths, "Secret." Bonnie nods.)
ANGELA: Hi, Bonnie. Hello, Mother. Are Jonathan and Tony around?
MONA: I think they're both in their rooms.
ANGELA: Oh. Is that a bad sign? Did Jonathan not make the team?
MONA: Neither of them mentioned basketball to me.
ANGELA: (trying not to show her delight) Oh, gee, that's too bad! They must both be so disappointed.
BONNIE: Actually— (Mona signals to her to shut up.) Jonathan did seem a little down.
ANGELA: Oh, my poor baby!
MONA: And don't forget poor Tony. Maybe you should go comfort him.
ANGELA: (blushing and conflicted) Maybe I should. Uh, I'll talk to Jonathan after dinner.
BONNIE: It'll be ready in fifteen minutes.
ANGELA: Fifteen minutes, huh? (She looks towards the stairs, then at her watch, and then runs upstairs. Mona chuckles. Bonnie sighs, shakes her head, and puts her headphones back on.)
Scene VIII: The kitchen, about an hour later
(Angela, Tony, Mona, Jonathan, and Bonnie have just finished eating.)
ANGELA: Jonathan Sweetheart, I'm sorry to bring this up, because I understand why you haven't said anything, but I want you to know that even though I had my reservations about it, I am sorry about how things worked out.
JONATHAN: (shrugging) It's OK, Mom. He'd probably have had to kill me off anyway when I go to college.
ANGELA: (confused) Kill you off?
TONY: Yeah, that was brutal! I mean, it was just a sock puppet but that beheading! (He shudders.)
ANGELA: I'm afraid I don't understand.
BONNIE: Oh, Hank had to kill off Jonathan's character because he made the basketball team.
ANGELA: A puppet made the basketball team? Or do you mean—? Mother! You let me think that Jonathan wasn't chosen!
MONA: Well, Dear, you seemed to be looking forward so much to comforting Tony.
ANGELA: (to Tony) And you didn't say anything?
TONY: Is that why you jumped me? (with a touch of the old Brooklyn Tony) I mean, not that I'm complainin'. Not for nothin'—
ANGELA: (furiously) Oh! (She storms out.)
MONA: You'd better go after her, Tony. Soothe her, comfort her.
TONY: Hey, Mona, my wife and I can "comfort" each other without you interfering.
MONA: Sorry, old habits die hard.
TONY: Not that it's a bad idea. (He gets up and exits out the swinging door.)
BONNIE: (putting on her headphones) I think it's time I went home. See you tomorrow. (She exits to outside.)
JONATHAN: Thanks a lot, Grandma. Now I've got to hurry to my room to put on my headphones.
MONA: You can wait a couple minutes. You and I need to talk, Buster.
JONATHAN: (trying to play innocent) Uh, about what?
MONA: Three guesses.
JONATHAN: You want to congratulate me about making the team? (She shakes her head.) You're going to miss my puppet?
MONA: Uh uh.
JONATHAN: (quickly) Bonnie spilled her guts about the wild parties and hot babes?
MONA: Um, no. She just said you were going to help a friend cheat on Tony's exam.
JONATHAN: Oh, well, yeah. If I do, then I get the wild parties and hot babes.
MONA: Then maybe you should cheat.
JONATHAN: (shocked) Grandma!
MONA: Cheat your "friend" I mean.
JONATHAN: Huh?
MONA: Give him a fake answer key.
JONATHAN: What good will that do? He'll figure out it's fake when he sees the test.
MONA: Just tell him that Tony must've changed the key later. Your "friend" will know you tried, and isn't trying the most important thing?
JONATHAN: No, winning is. I mean for someone like Zack Bueller it is. See, if he doesn't pass this exam, then he's off the basketball team.
MONA: He must be a very good friend for you to be so concerned for him.
JONATHAN: No, I barely know the guy.
MONA: Well, he must be a very good player for you to want to keep him on the team.
JONATHAN: Yeah, he's good. I mean, Washington is probably as good. I'm maybe better.
MONA: Are you better, Jonathan?
JONATHAN: Huh?
MONA: Did you cheat to get on the team?
JONATHAN: Of course not! Tony said I did it on my own merits.
MONA: Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?
JONATHAN: I don't believe this! My own grandmother has no faith in me!
MONA: I have a lot of faith in you. More than you do in yourself. Goodnight. (She exits to outside. Jonathan looks puzzled. Then Vic Damone on CD starts singing, "Begin the Beguine.")
JONATHAN: Oh, no, it's too late to get to my room!
ANGELA: (loudly and offscreen) Mmm, Tony! (Jonathan flees outside. Cut to commercial.)
Scene IX: The living room, Friday night
(Mona is sitting on the couch, still working on the manuscript.)
MONA: "Roxanne's voluptuous vixen mother, Florencia, tossed her scarlet mane and laughed throatily. 'Don't you understand, Garnett?' she addressed the innocent young brunette neighbor, who was only beginning to explore the underbelly of the suburbs. 'No secret is safe with me. No secret and no man.' 'How low can you stoop?' Garnett spluttered. 'Well, I once won a naked limbo contest in Jamaica,' Florencia began—" (The front door opens and Mona again hides the manuscript under a cushion. Tony, Angela, and Jonathan enter, smiling.) Well, how was the game? You all look happy and no one's injured, so I'm guessing it was good.
TONY: It was incredible, Mona! Your grandson is the best player we have! He won the game for us!
JONATHAN: Come on, Tony. It was a team effort.
ANGELA: He's so modest! (She and Tony crush Jonathan in a hug.)
JONATHAN: OK, you guys, you're proud of me, I get it.
MONA: How was the rest of the team?
TONY: Well, they're getting there. Washington was a last-minute replacement, since I had to let Bueller go.
MONA: Oh, what a shame! Did he flunk the test?
TONY: Mona, he didn't even take it! He said he didn't feel prepared for it. But I appreciate his honesty. And I'm going to have Jenny Wittener tutor him.
MONA: Oh, Jenny Wittener?
TONY: Yeah, I suggested Jonathan but he said he's got a lot on his plate right now.
ANGELA: Yes, he's going to help Hank audition his replacement. And he also will help work on the scripts on weekends, as long as it doesn't interfere with homework or basketball.
MONA: Jonathan, I didn't know you could write.
ANGELA: (proudly) Well, it runs in the family.
MONA: Does it?
ANGELA: Mother, you know I used to write a little.
TONY: (laughing) Oh God, Mona, remember that awful Wife Swapping in Waterbury book she was writing years ago?
ANGELA: Love Slaves of the Suburbs! And it was a serious examination of an upper-class subculture.
TONY: Yeah? I remember it as steamy smut.
ANGELA: That's because Mother was reading it out of context.
JONATHAN: Mom, you wrote a dirty book?
ANGELA: It wasn't dirty! And I never finished it.
TONY: Not dirty, huh? What about Montgomery the human octopus?
JONATHAN: Ew, is this something to do with tentacles?
ANGELA: No! It's just Tony insisted that there was a physically impossible love scene.
JONATHAN: Oh, gross! I'm going to my room. (He exits.)
TONY: Angela, we tried, remember? Mona had me embrace you in my manly arms and run my fingers through your flaxen hair.
ANGELA: (smiling) I remember.
TONY: And I couldn't have my fingers "travel tremblingly down your spine" at the same time.
ANGELA: That's because it was out of context. Come on, I'll show you.
MONA: "Montgomery pulled her roughly toward him, his manly arms enveloping her." (Tony does so to Angela.)
ANGELA: Mother, I can't believe you still remember the exact phrasing.
MONA: Well, Dear, you have the sort of prose style that's not easy to forget. (Angela shakes her head.)
TONY: OK, so what's next?
MONA: "He caressed her neck and his hands ran through her flaxen hair." (Tony acts this out.) "While his fingers traveled tremblingly down her spine to her—"
TONY: Now how am I supposed to do that? (Angela whispers to him. He grins.) Yeah?
ANGELA: And then on page two…. (She whispers something else. He grins more. Since they've now got eyes only for each other, Mona meanwhile sneaks out with the manuscript, as Angela keeps whispering.)
TONY: With his feet? You kiddin' me?
ANGELA: I'll show you upstairs. (The Look at close range. The end credits roll, with Vic Damone singing "An Affair to Remember.")