No.
That was all I seemed able to think. Over and over and over.
No.
They say it's a defense mechanism. Human response. Denial. Denying your dog had run away, denying your father left for a trip and was never coming back.
Denying your best friend took her own life with her final words being:
I'd prefer her to remain dead.
Preferring me to be dead.
Denying your existence altogether.
No.
It almost sounded like a symphony. The gentle pitter patter of 'no' 'no' 'no'. Such a somber rhythm that had no set tempo. It all rushed. Swirled into a storm of 'no' 'no' 'no'. It clashed it thundered it flooded down a lonely melody.
And here I was. The conductor. Waving to the left.
No.
Waving to the right.
No.
Drowning in the chorus, trying to breathe on the verses, drowning in the chorus.
No.
Always wondering, always pondering:
When will the concert end?
"Naomi!" someone yells. A masculine hold. Just within that name, I can hear his struggle to stay together. I can envision him trying not to be blown away. Stay grounded.
I simply stare down at her smiling face, her eyes open and looking-
Why are you looking at me? What do you want? Say something!
The ground moves from under me. There is nothing for me stay balanced on. Nowhere to land. Just places to fall. So many holes to plunge into.
Hands grab at my arms, yank me away from her. I willingly flow with the path being chosen for me. The back of one of them (Hakuro?) faces me. He bows down, lifts the girl (Naomi?) to his chest.
Why do his shoulders shake so much? What is that sound? Why is he (crying?) doing that?
He's (sad?). He's (mourning?).
What am I doing? Why do I feel (nothing?).
(Deny. Deny. Deny.)
Am I alive?
I watch the boy grow louder with his sobs. I glance to see a girl (Silia?) staring at me, eyes of a predator. Eyes of a ghost. She runs into the trees. Gone. Was she ever really there?
Stay here and I'll go check it out
Hadn't I said that to someone? Hadn't there been another?
The Colonel.
Oh. Yes. I had almost forgotten. He hinted speaking to me. As if there was a next time. I had to meet him. Had to hear from him why he didn't believe I was the killer.
A violent shudder ran up and down my body, doubling me over, and I vomit. When finished, I wipe the sweat from my forehead and look over at Naomi, sleeping (dead?).
No.
Killer. She is (was?) the killer. The Colonel would want to find (bury?) her.
I shook my head, turning away.
Where was-Where was my cloak? I remember giving it to a child. She was cold. I want it back. I'll ask her (she's dead?) for it back. Mom will (would?) be furious.
I walk back into the shade, broken.
Why was I here? What- How did I end up in a place of trees?
(So you could hide away in the branches, escape your sins?)
Was this Aerugo (Amestris?)
Ritzu is (was?) probably looking for me. Ever the sweet (Dead. Dead. Dead.) boy. And Prince Claudio is (was?) without a doubt eager to have a celebration (but he can't because I killed him?) for my return home.
The war was over and I could go back home.
The Colonel.
I could leave Ishval.
The Colonel is waiting.
With a sigh, I extend my arms out to smooth out passing brush. It was so green. Beautiful. Ritzu would (never be able to) agree. Perhaps I'll bring him here (you can't).
Where is my cloak? Mom will be furious.
(wake up)
I look up to find the spot where we had last fought. Who? Who again?
Colonel. The Colonel.
String is on the ground, looking sharp. I bend down, sliding it over my finger.
"Ow!"
A drop of red blooms. It's fascinating. I squeeze for more. But the cut starts to hurt less and less.
It seals up and the red stops growing.
(you killed Naomi)
Frowning, I look over to where that man from earlier was tied up. Who tied (you) him up? Who (you) let him go?
I approach the tree, looking down to find a sparkling object. It's bright. I reach down and pick it up. It is a dagger from the palace. What is it (you brought it) doing here? I need to return it right away.
(you can't)
There is something else. I pick it up. Inspect it. Put it on. White Gloves. Alchemy? Fire?
(he could be the one who burned you)
It's ripped. Useless. (because of you)
I toss them aside. Observe my surroundings. What-
What was I doing here? Where was I?
(he's not here)
Why did I come here again?
(he's not here)
I had to go home. I needed to go home. Right now.
(he's not here)
Ritzu? Where's Ritzu? Naomi wants to meet up with me in the market. Ritzu always joins. Where is he?
(he's not here!)
Wait. Where? What's going on? I don't… Ishval? Where is Ishval? That woman… Riza? Where? No I have to leave!
(he's not here!)
Dammit! What's wrong with my head? What's going on? I can't think! I can't-can't breathe! Where is Ritzu? Naomi? Mom! Mom will be furious! Have to find the cloak… the cloak!
(HE'S NOT HERE)
Papa told me to keep quiet! Don't show them the wings. It's our little secret. Gift. Papa? Where is Papa?!
(HE IS NOT HERE!)
Who?!
The ground beneath me vanishes. I fall, slumping against the tree where I had been so sure I spoke to another person. My fingers twitch and my hands scratch at the bark behind me. The headache is so painful. My thoughts are barely my own. There's two, three, hundreds of voices yelling. I can't do anything but bash my fists behind me, against plant, again and again and again.
(no, i dont want to remember)
Mom and Dad are dead. I killed them.
(no! stop!)
I can't join them. I can't join the hundreds I've murdered in Aerugo.
(stop! please!)
I killed Prince Claudio…
(go to sleep go back to sleep)
I performed human transmution…
(no no no)
I… I watched Naomi drive the dagger into her own heart.
I'd prefer her to remain dead
(oh god…forgive me)
I-
I-
(HE'S NOT HERE!)
"He's not here," I mutter. He had wanted to talk again hadn't he? It wasn't just my imagination?
"No, but I am."
An explosion of excruciating pain delves into my chest, pushing through, pushing through, and getting stuck. I stare up at Silia, that fire going on in her eyes, gun raised. Bullet. A bullet just hit me.
A bullet hit my wing.
"You just had to go on and kill the Prince. You just had to kill all those innocents," she snarls, firing two more rounds. They sink and also stop just inside the thin tissue of my wings. I howl in misery. I howl so frighteningly loud that even the girl hesitates, awe-struck by the damage she'd done. She snaps back into character, advancing on my writhing state. God…The pain…
"You had to kill my brother. My young, sweet brother who did NOTHING to deserve that fate!"
Three more rounds.
My eyes water. The noises have dulled to a sob. No tears came. I was so dehydrated…
"I don't care that you're immortal," she says, taking the dagger in my hand and driving it hard into my shoulder. I scream. "I will kill you over and over and over until there's no blood left in your disgusting body."
Why wasn't I regenerating? What was happening? I couldn't get a response from the wind. I couldn't shock her with my unrestrained hands! Nothing was working! I was useless.
A sitting duck.
"I'm…sorry," I choke, feeling faint. Silia punches me, the same spot Naomi had hit me.
"Sorry doesn't bring him back! Now the least you can do is stay awake and experience as much pain as you possibly can!"
I want to comply. Maybe after getting past all the hurt, I'll find it in my heart to forgive myself. Maybe just eternal suffering would be my punishment. Dad? Was that why you did this to me?
The fire in her eyes was breaking out of its cage. Flames lick at my face, taunting, never quite touching but always there. God. Did she know flame alchemy as well? Had she found a pair of functioning gloves? Was she going to roast me to death? Or try to?
"Lieutenant! Hughes!"
"Right!"
"Yes sir!"
Colonel? And two other voices?
The flames are real. They're huge, and lashing at everything but me. Flame alchemy.
Silia is clutching at her hand, cursing in pain. There is a noticeable bullet wound. When had it been fired? And how did it escape past me?
I look over at Roy, his face concentrated, his eyes dark. For a moment I see the eyes of a killer, but then he blinks and it's just black. Racing directly at me was an older looking man in glasses, his scraggly face offering a kind, homely impression. He stops in front of me, pulling out… what a gun? I squirm fearfully.
"Hey!" he exclaims, holding me down. "It's fine, look." He draws the object out again, and it's just a roll of bandages. "No harm. You have some nasty injuries. Temporary fix up."
Stunned, I watch him curiously, all my fear dissolving at his soothing voice. Was this the man who fired those quiet rounds? No…
"Stop it! Don't you know what she's done?! Shoot her!"
The flames extinguish and the Colonel makes his way closer to where I was having, apparently, a patch-up.
"Not good," the man, Hughes says worriedly. I wince as he moves my sleeve, exposing a hideous gash ripping from where the blade plunged to the tip of my shoulder. At some point I had moved and a tear was ripping along my skin. "A lot of blood going on here, Roy!"
Roy jogs over, kneeling down to also observe the damage. The way his eyes flicker away for a second tells me it really is serious. But I couldn't die, so why was I so terrified?
"You bitch! Let me go! Let me-"
"Sir!"
For a moment, Roy turns around, eyes the girl screaming and swiping one of my daggers at another soldier. It had been a female voice, and her back was facing me. Without a doubt, she was the one who saved me from whatever it was the girl planned. And she was waiting for a command.
I exclaim as Hughes brushes his hand along the weapon still stuck in my shoulder. Distracted, I must have missed the look or signal Roy gave the woman because in the next moment there was a sickening thud.
Silia is dead.
Silia is dead. The realization is shattering, and I can't help but fall into a panic. The woman killed her. Roy gave the permission to kill. She's dead. Silia is dead. But how else was I supposed to redeem myself? I was supposed to be victim to her words. She was going to give me pain. The chance to forgive myself.
"Hey, look at me."
How was I going to live on now? How was I ever going to find an excuse to continue existing? Why? Why'd they kill her? Why? Why? Why would they? I deserve her hatred. I deserve her rage. Those flames were supposed to break free and unleash everything I had dealt to all those civilians-
"Miss. I need you to calm down, look at me."
"S-She's…" That's all I can say, my feet screaming to move. My arms begging to pull this thing out. God the pain! The pain! How could I still be conscious? How could I still be breathing?!
"Check on the other one!"
"Yes sir!"
Other one… The other one…
Naomi.
"Roy, I'm losing her. I can't get her to stop moving."
Naomi is…dead? Naomi is dead. Oh I killed her. I drove her to kill others and then I killed her. She's gone. Nao is gone. My friend. My closest friend left me. She left me.
"Hughes, go and scout the perimeter, please. Check to see if there may be others."
"But-"
"Hughes, please, just do it."
Everything hurts so much. It's so hot. Why is it so hot? I need to get away… I need to… move. Yes, move. Don't stop moving. Keep running. Follow that wind…
A scream fills the air as I try to jolt upwards. Shadows thread around my waist, dragging me down. Teeth rip flesh. Who screamed? Was it- me?
"You need to stop moving. Stay still."
Truth? Was it Truth?
"No," I croak, standing. Trying to stand. Instead, falling.
Shoulder hurts… Why? Why does it hurt? Why can't I move?!
"No. Please." Don't take away my sight again, please don't take it away.
I throw out my hands, slashing, clawing. "Get away. Go away."
Snakes coil around my fingers. Squeeze. I shut my eyes, whimpering.
"HEY!"
"IT HURTS!" I howl, pushing those greedy hands away.
Get rid of the pain.
I had to get rid of the pain.
Shoulder.
My hands found the comforts of the handle, the source of my misery.
"Idiot! Don't-"
I pull it out, eyes watering. Dots of purple and blue dance in my vision. Warmth spills out of the area, slipping down along my deadening arm. Whatever I've pulled stays in my grip, heavy. I'm feeling so terribly tired.
"Shit! Hughes! Hughes, take the blade from her!"
There are footsteps and someone takes away the weight. Pressure smashes against my warm, oh so wonderfully warm, shoulder.
"Look at me," someone says. And I do.
Fire.
"I'm going to tell you why I believe you were innocent right now, as I said I would," the flame speaks, mesmerizing. Enticing. Captivating. I listen.
"I saw you give that cloak to the girl."
My stomach summersaults, my mind focusing entirely on that gruff, luring voice. He saw? How? This was the same man who had the entire forest disturbed by his loud footsteps. Same man,
Mustang?
"I didn't follow you right away. I only went there because, heck, I wanted to take a walk alone. I deserve to out of that cramped space. Paperwork is not the most exciting thing to come to every single day."
I stop moving, staring at his blazing eyes, noticing how different they are from Silia's. Tame.
"Anyway, when I was walking around I saw that girl. I noticed how pale she was and I was just going to jump in and help when, well, you beat me to it."
Similar to the effect of glass shattering, my mind wakes back up and I'm comprehending just what is happening. Glancing down where the blade should have been, the Colonel's hands are covering my grossly, overflowing flood of blood. I let out a gasp, never before suffering from such a horrible gash.
"Holy…crap," I whisper weakly. Roy hears me, extinguishing his flaming stare.
"Welcome back," he says. I grunt in response. His head turns to his company. "Mind holding his out for me?"
Briskly, Hughes nods and switches with the Colonel, patching my gaping hole with his own hands, covered in layers of bandages. Beside him on the ground, he let go of my knife.
"You'll be alright," Hughes says, trying to ease my worries. Hesitantly, I nod. Even though I knew for sure that none of this was 'alright'. All the deliria had drained from my mind, replacing it with pain. Lots of it.
"We need to seal this up," Roy says, pulling down on the ends of his white gloves.
At first, I just stare at him like he's insane. Because he is.
"You-You're kidding," I pant, looking between the two men, staring back at the hole in my shoulder that still hadn't regenerated. Roy doesn't reply. Hughes gives a supportive, apologetic glance. I shake my head, uncaring that it was making things worse. "No. No…way."
The Colonel frowns, taking a knee beside Hughes. "If we are going to get you out of here and into the nearest infirmary, it's going to take at least fifteen minutes to get there, seeing as we do not have a vehicle. That doesn't include the halved rate we're probably going to travel because of how severe your wounds are. There's no choice. Unless you'd like to bleed down to empty skin, we're going to need a temporary fix."
"Leave…me," I choke.
"Did you not hear me say, 'there's no choice'?" he replies sternly.
"Roy is right. We can't just leave you here, and we can't move you like this," Hughes says worriedly, pushing further against my injury.
Not again. I did not want to re-experience having flames eat at me, again.
"Roy, you need to act now," Hughes points out urgently, watching as I slowly begin to relax. But it's ok. I'll be fine. I'll survive. If my alchemy would just work…
"Haven't you realized your alchemy isn't working?" Roy asks, reading my mind. I grimace, encouraging him to push on. "Did you ever think that maybe it might not come back? And you won't live through this?"
"Roy, enough. Just do it."
He's right. What if I lost it? Maybe when those bullets drove into my wings, they ruined my circles. And looking down at my hands, I recall my gloves that Papa gave me being a fake. All I had were the specially drawn circles on my ankles and a fat lot of good running would do now. I'd be sucked out dry.
What if somehow, those bullets just discovered a way to kill me?
"F-Fine," I stammer, watching Roy pull out extra pairs of his gloves, offering it to me. Understanding his intent, I reluctantly open my mouth and bite into the fabric, ignoring the coming urges to gag.
With a commanding nod, Hughes leapt away and the sound of the Colonel's fingers snapping filled the air.
I'm pretty sure the whole thing was over in a matter of seconds, but those were perhaps the longest seconds of my life.
Roy steps forward and pulls out the cloth responsible for keeping me from not biting off my tongue. With a gag, I spit out to the side, too exhausted to budge. He feigns a look of disgust at the saliva drenched gloves.
"Well there goes Wednesday and Thursday's pair," he sighs.
Breathing heavily, I shake my head, dumbfounded by his seemingly practiced composure. The man had just burned my skin together. Yet he stresses over my drool. But still…
I couldn't get over the fact he came back. Maybe it really was just he told me, his mission. He probably saw one of the killers ganging up on me and really aimed to follower her.
Still…
"Whatever," he fumes, inspecting my barbecued shoulder. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You waited," I find myself saying, cringing as I try to adjust my seated position. I let out a weak, half-hearted laugh, shaking my head and beginning to droop. "You actually… waited…"
"Well," Roy points out, trying to make sense of why I wasn't lashing out at him, or at least trying to. "Technically I didn't wait at the place you told me to. I was dragged by the Lieutenant and Hughes… O-Oy, stay with me now."
"Doing ok?" that warm, fatherly voice interjects. I try lifting my gaze to see him, only to cough violently, choking on the scent of cooked flesh. Roy stands, dusting himself, dropping a hand to my level.
"I'm going to offer you a hand. Not attacking. You may come to the assumption that I'm going to hurt you but I'm not. Please try not to throw me into any more trees."
For a moment, I'm just too exhausted to say anything, but then I find my lingering frustration and slap away his gesture with my good arm, gritting my teeth. "I'm perfectly… capable… of getting up."
Roy snorts, shaking his head. "Yes, I'm… sure… you… are," he mocks.
"Roy," Hughes interjects. "Aren't we forgetting about someone?"
For a moment Roy draws a blank, then with a sigh he takes off in the direction of the third soldier. Hughes and I watch him run off, fading into in trees.
"I apologize for his bluntness," he says, turning to face me. Saying nothing, I shift my back along the bark, realizing how bad of an idea that was. My concealed wings emit an explosion of pain and I end up buckling back to the ground. Hughes extends his hand worriedly and I shake my head. "You shouldn't move until he gets back."
"I'm...fine," I pant, reaching to massage my shoulder. Again, the idea proves to be more harmful than helpful and I gasp, bowing forward.
"Ah, well," Hughes says after checking on my shoulder for tears, hoping to bring a lighter topic, "Now that the…icky stuff is over and dealt with, I'd like to properly introduce myself."
He stops, silently asking for my permission to continue.
"Yeah…sure," I murmur.
"Maes Hughes. It's a pleasure to meet your acquaintance. Although, I apologize for it not being quite the, well, best meeting."
I chuckle softly. "It's fine really," I say, realizing this was normally the part where I gave my own name. I really can't afford dizzying myself with the renaming process now, so I skip over it, hoping he won't mind. "Ah… so I suppose… you're one of the Colonel's… men?"
Hughes stares off into space and I'm wondering if I hadn't been loud enough. Then he begins to burst with laughter. Startled, I wait for an explanation as to what was so funny. "Sorry!" he chortles, gathering himself, "Ah, well. Yes and no. Yes I'm the boy's companion, and no, I'm sort of Colonel too. Work at Central Command, where the big guys commune."
I almost sigh in relief. Hard to imagine such a kind person working under such an egoistic man like the Colonel.
"Say," Hughes prods, sitting down as if we were at a friendly picnic. "Mind telling me how you and Roy met?"
With a questioning glance, he chuckles. "I only know the two of you talked before because he was getting frantic, going around and muttering 'where is that girl' over and over to himself. And once he found you, he seemed relieved."
I never would have expected to hear something like this. The Colonel, searching for me, being relieved at finding me? Almost as if he were actually concerned? No. That's ridiculous. The two of us hardly knew one another, and from what we did know, we fought. No friendliness there, except for, I guess, when I treated his hands. But even then, I had been the one responsible for the wounds in the first place. Besides, my attacker had been a girl too. He probably meant the killer. He was relieved to find the killer.
On my own accord, I steal a glimpse of Silia's motionless body. I swallow, my throat thick with dread. Four deaths. One day.
Hughes leans into my view of the girl, grinning. "Hey. Can I just say, you are officially my hero."
"Eh?" I question, tilting my head. "How so?"
He beams, remaining in my way, intentionally hiding her body. "Didn't Roy say something about you not throwing him into trees?"
"Y-Yes?" I say uncertainly, taking a deep breath and wondering what it'd be like to sleep in a nice, comfy bed. Hughes shakes his head in amazement.
"So many people would love to have the guts to do that. You're a champion."
"I-I'm sure…" I mutter, feeling my head drop then jerk awake. The Colonel must not have too many people thrilled with him. Not to be surprising.
"Would you like to see some pictures of my Gracia?" Hughes suddenly blurts out, energetic, "Look, look! Isn't she such a beauty? Isn't she? She's just so absolutely perfect! Kyaa~~"
I nod tiredly, forcing my eyes to remain open to take in the objects being waved in my face. The squares, photographs, were of, I assume his lover. In each and every photo she is smiling. There's even a couple with Hughes posing with her. For a moment there I felt almost, envious? It was clear this man had a dear one to go home to. And based off the pictures and how radiant she appeared, shining with elatedness, she had someone to gladly wait for.
That must be nice.
"Hughes!"
I turn to find Roy panting, running up to the two of us. He has news, bad news. But one glance at me, and he tries to hide it, turning to the other Colonel and telling him off for boring me with his pictures to which Hughes furiously scoffs back that it wasn't his fault Roy was just that oblivious to the wonders of love.
"Heh!" Roy barks, glimpsing my worrisome stare. "Don't get on to me about love. I've loved plenty of woman."
Hughes blew out a bitter chuckle, holding his photos close to his heart. "Yes, but your version of love involves exposure to an assortment of diseases."
I narrow my eyes at the Colonel.
"Bah!" he shouts, waving away the insult.
"And it's not true love," Hughes presses, glaring.
"Colonel…" I interrupt, trying once again to get up. Roy only pushes gently on my head, keeping me down.
"This is the first you've called me without any crude remarks," he says, refusing to move at my frail attempts to remove his hand. "It's nice. You should do it more."
"Colonel…" I say once again, irked by his complacency.
"Yes, that is indeed my rank."
"I have no… time for this," I growl, giving up on moving anywhere. "You came back for something... And I'm guessing it's not… good."
Roy says nothing, acting oblivious.
I think back to Naomi and the boy, Hakuro, alone. The boy shaking with his heavy sobs. Had something happened to Hakuro?
Without warning, I kick with a critical amount of leftover energy, which was very little, trying to bring down Mustang. Much to be expected, he hardly even flinches. Seeing as I'd been shot multiple times, stabbed, burnt, and my alchemy was still not working.
Seriously, what was with that?
"There's no need for you to get upset," Roy says, squatting to meet my eye level. "All you should worry about is that attitude of yours and getting it under control. Don't stress yourself."
Furious, I scrunch up as close to the tree as I can, hissing at the bursts of, seemingly never ending, pain. I hear a loud, annoyed exhale, gradually noticing the ground moving further below me. But I wasn't making any effort to stand…
Eh? Eh?
"H-Hey!" I find the energy to yell, pushing him back only to wonder if his chest was the one pushing me away. "What the hell are you? Stone?"
Successfully I collapse back to the ground, crying out at the harsh impact.
"You want to get up off the ground, so I try to get you up off the ground, and you just freak out and push me, making you fall back onto the ground. Where do you want to go, girl? Care to make up your mind?"
"Excuse me?" I snap, stumbling forward, saved by Hughes reaching out to steady me. "I don't need your… damn… help. You've done enough."
Roy grumbles, listening to my chaotic breathing. "Forget how to breathe?"
"Asshole," I mutter.
"Indecisive inhaler," he retorts.
I remember past my irritation, Haruko.
"The boy," I say, putting our matters aside. "He's…" I couldn't bring myself to say the word anymore. The Colonel pauses, waits a while to think of any other ways to avoid the answer. He passes a single nod.
Nauseatingly dizzy. I can't say I didn't expect it, considering how Naomi acted and all. Still didn't feel too great on my part.
"Don't worry about it," Hughes says, "It wasn't your fault."
Inside I'm thinking: but it was.
I hear approaching footsteps. But I just can't get it past myself, the events of today… Everything linking to none other but me.
"Sir? I've taken care of the bodies as you've asked."
I cradle my head, seeing black spots. The female's voice was back. She seemed to be quite the follower for the Colonel. How could she do it? How could she dispose corpses so…quickly?
I shiver, then, much to my shock and horror, vomit.
Hughes was up and rubbing my back, unsure of what else there really was to do. Roy sort of stayed out entirely, to my relief. As for the third figure…
"Please, try not to push yourself," her soothing voice says, striking a memory. "I've got some water…"
Try not to push yourself… I have some water…
Those same words. Those exact same words, ring such a vague bell. They pull out memories of sand. Morphs the wound on my shoulder into the after math of a bullet going through. I hear chiming laugher.
Solving bloodshed with more bloodshed.
My eyes widen.
"Colonel?" I ask without lifting my head.
"Hmm?" he grunts.
"What is your Lieutenant's name? Her full name?"
I don't want to look up yet. Can't bear to deal with the disappointment if it's not her. But I know it is.
Can't deal with the hatred I'd feel for the Colonel for burning my thigh and waist and killing so many innocents. Even though I know he did.
"Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye," Riza answers instead, then I feel fingers fall under my chin, and she's lifting my head up.
No one says anything.
She blinks and my jaw drops open.
The two men don't know what to make of our meeting. Roy looks genuinely confused. Hughes pulls into the shadows, offering more privacy.
Finally: "You're… alive?"
I nod at her question, disbelieving. "I think so."
Roy clears his throat. "It's wonderful that you two of you seem to… already met, but we really must leave."
My mouth twitches. Riza notes the dangerous flash in my eyes, turns to look at the Colonel. Turns back to look at me.
In that moment everything hits me. Everything from the war. Emotions I've collected and shoved deep, deep, deep down come erupting out. Venom coats my tongue and all the appreciation, fascination, and everything considerably positive towards the Colonel becomes replaced with red, red, red. I envision the Ishval families. The girl. The house. The ground. The vehicles. My men. Riza. Flame alchemy. Pain. Uselessness. But most of all, those goddamn flames.
"You bastard!" I scream, pushing away all my self-concerns, drowning that voice inside telling me to stop, ignoring my body's pleas to just let it rest. "So you're the one responsible for that fire? You're the one responsible for those deaths?" He barely reacts which pisses me off even more. "Thanks to you, I've got this hideous gash on my leg. A reminder I never intended to have! I have to go around with that damn mark, reminding me of all those people I couldn't save because your damn fire made me useless! Useless!"
"Fujiin…"
I face Riza's friendly, worrisome eyes. The same eyes Naomi used to give. A part of me holds back, but I can't help my outburst.
"That is not my name."
She flinches, watching my hands shaking uncontrollably, digging into themselves, then grabs my wrists, slowly opening them. At first I resist, casting a foul look, wondering why she would dare touch me. But eventually I draw back enough sense to know she isn't to blame for any of this. Drained, I notice just how hard I'm breathing, and bite away a yelp. Pain. There's so much pain.
"Calm down," she says softly, forcing me to make eye contact. She pauses, taking a moment to order her thoughts. "I'm sorry. I must have remembered incorrectly. What did you say your name was?"
I eye her, dumbfounded.
She knew. She knew I had told her Fujiin then. Yet she was willing to…let me choose a different title?
I glare back over at the Colonel, that expression remaining unaffected. Did he even remember? Did he even care?
My head falls forward. Hair curtains my face.
There was so much I wanted to say, none of it notoriously nice. But meanwhile, Riza was giving me the perfect opportunity to start over. And if I was going to leave that part of me behind, I couldn't be like this. Fujiin is gone. Fujiin is dead.
I'd prefer her to remain dead
Naomi's final words… Perhaps they didn't have to be in vain.
Mustering all my will power, I manage a side glance at the Colonel.
Of course, I had to deal with the storm of emotions with this guy.
I look up at Riza, the enemy who sat with me all that time ago, sighing away the tension.
"Misaki," I answer, surprised at how quickly it came to me. "My name is Misaki."
Riza nods, eyes burning with questions that she's polite enough to control.
"Misaki," she tests it, watching my reaction. It's the first time I've been called by it. Different. Plain. Nothing special. "So that was it. Great to see you again."
"You too," I remark, silently. "You too."