TV Guide capsule for Saturday, Jan. 16, 1993:
9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy
Angela's new client is a sperm bank, with a charming president.
Scene I: The Micelli-Bower kitchen, dinnertime
(Tony, Angela, Mona, Jonathan, and Bonnie are finishing eating.)
TONY: Another great meal, Bonnie.
BONNIE: (smiling) Well, I learned from the best.
ANGELA: It was very good. Do you think you're up to the challenge of cooking for a client dinner?
BONNIE: A client dinner?
TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay, you don't want me cooking for your new client? I always cook for your clients!
ANGELA: Tony, you did when you were the housekeeper. Now you're so busy and—
TONY: Yeah, but I'm your husband and I want to show my support.
ANGELA: Well, if it's not any trouble.
TONY: No trouble. And Bonnie can help me, right?
BONNIE: Of course.
JONATHAN: So who is this new client, Mom?
ANGELA: Well, um, it's—
MONA: Tell them, Dear.
ANGELA: (blushing) Well, the company provides a necessary service to women.
JONATHAN: Like diaper delivery?
ANGELA: No, but you're in the general area.
MONA: It's for women who want what goes into the diapers.
JONATHAN: Huh?
BONNIE: Is it a matchmaking service for women who want to get married and have babies?
MONA: Well, you got part of it right.
TONY: Angela, just tell us. Who's this client?
ANGELA: The New England Cryogenics Laboratory.
JONATHAN: Cryogenics? Isn't that where they freeze dead people like Walt Disney?
ANGELA: (hesitantly) Uh, yes, sometimes.
MONA: But this lab just freezes what makes little Walt Disneys. (Tony, Jonathan, and Bonnie look at her, then at Angela.)
JONATHAN: Mom, is this a sperm bank?
ANGELA: Well, yes.
TONY: Your new client is a, I mean, holy cow!
ANGELA: Yes. (Mona laughs.) Mother, it's not funny!
MONA: No, but your embarrassment is.
ANGELA: I don't know if I want you at this dinner.
MONA: (to the others) She's been afraid to have me even meet the client because she thinks I'm going to say something to embarrass her even more.
JONATHAN: You, Grandma?
MONA: I know. I'm so refined and genteel. (She burps.) Excuse me.
TONY: I'm sure Mona can behave herself if she tries. Now what am I gonna serve the client?
BONNIE: (giggling) Baby carrots?
JONATHAN: Seedless grapes?
MONA: Coddled eggs?
TONY: (unable to resist joining in) A protein shake? (They all laugh. Angela throws her napkin down and storms out through the swinging door.) I'd better go talk to her. She's pretty shaken up. (Then they all start laughing again. Roll opening credits.)
Scene II: The Micelli-Bower living room, the night of the client dinner
(Bonnie is dusting as Angela descends the stairs in an elegant pink maternity gown.)
BONNIE: Wow, Angela, you look great!
ANGELA: Thank you, Bonnie. You look nice, too.
BONNIE: Should I dress up more? I don't know what to wear as a maid at a formal dinner. And am I eating at the table? Or should I just go home? I asked Tony, but his situation was different, and I don't look good in a bow-tie. My neck is too long.
ANGELA: Bonnie, it'll be fine. You can stay for dinner if you want, as a guest. And what you're wearing is perfectly all right. I just have to dress up because it's my agency.
BONNIE: I see. You know, you actually make pregnancy look stylish.
ANGELA: Thank you. That's what I was going for.
BONNIE: Do you think being pregnant helped you get the account?
ANGELA: Bonnie, I got the account because I'm good at my job.
BONNIE: Oh, I didn't mean it as an insult. I just thought maybe it would've given you an edge.
ANGELA: Well, it might've, but my pregnancy is a little, well, less planned than the ones Mr. Johnson, um, orchestrates.
BONNIE: (trying not to laugh) Mr. Johnson?
ANGELA: Yes, Dick Johnson.
BONNIE: (trying really hard not to laugh) Oh.
ANGELA: Bonnie, maybe it would be better if you did go home.
BONNIE: OK. (She exits to the kitchen. We hear her laugh offscreen, and then Tony joins in. Angela shakes her head, like she's the only grown-up here. Then Tony enters from the kitchen, looking dapper in a compromise between bartender and loyal-husband.)
TONY: Uh, dinner is gonna be ready in about an hour. What time is your client com—arriving?
ANGELA: Any minute.
TONY: Is he punctual? Or does he take his time?
ANGELA: Tony!
TONY: (mock innocently) What?
ANGELA: I'm sorry. It's just, never mind. So what are you making?
TONY: Well, I just put a surprise in the oven.
ANGELA: Tony! (He chuckles.)
TONY: I'm sorry. It's meatloaf. That's not too suggestive, is it?
ANGELA: Not considering what you could've chosen.
TONY: Yeah, I ruled out the whole sausage family right off. Of course, I am making gravy. (She shakes her head. Mona enters from the back door, wearing a demure baby blue dress with a lace collar.) Mona, is that you?
MONA: You like? Angela? Will it be refined and genteel enough for your Mr. Johnson? (Tony coughs to hide a laugh.)
ANGELA: Mother, you look lovely, very nice. I appreciate you making an effort. (looking around) Where's Jonathan?
TONY: He's eating over at Sam's tonight, since he couldn't promise not to make sophomoric remarks, even though he's senior.
ANGELA: Can I ask the same of you two?
TONY: What, you kiddin' me?
MONA: Scout's honor.
TONY: Me, too.
ANGELA: Tony, you were never a Boy Scout, were you? And, Mother, I know you were never a Girl Scout.
MONA: No, I preferred to give my cookies away.
ANGELA: Mother! (The doorbell rings.) That's him!
MONA: Funny, I would've expected him to knock.
ANGELA: (to herself) Why didn't I just take him out to dinner?
TONY: Baby, it'll be fine. We'll sober up the minute my hand's on the knob— (He and Mona break up.)
ANGELA: I'll get it. (She takes a deep breath and tries to collect herself.)
MONA: It's better if you relax, Dear. (Angela glares at her, then goes to the door. She opens it to Dick Johnson, a handsome man in his late 50s, played by Bill Bixby.)
DICK JOHNSON: Hi, I'm not too early, am I? (Angela almost laughs.)
ANGELA: No, not at all. Please come in.
DICK J: (as he does so) Thank you. Why, what a lovely home!
ANGELA: Thank you. Mr. Johnson—
DICK J: Please, call me Dick.
ANGELA: Of course. (as she leads him into the living room) Dick (she has to stifle a laugh), this is my husband, Tony Micelli, and my mother and secretary, Mona Robinson.
DICK: (shaking Tony's hand) Ah, the man behind the woman.
TONY: Well, yeah, sometimes. (Angela blushes.)
DICK: (taking Mona's hand) And this is the woman behind that beautiful phone voice.
MONA: Moi?
DICK: That's the voice. (still holding her hand) I'm glad to see that you live up to your voice.
MONA: Dick, you flatter me.
DICK: You don't mind, do you?
MONA: No, I eat this stuff up with a spoon. (Angela has a coughing fit.)
ANGELA: Um, excuse me.
TONY: (aside to her) Kinda hard to swallow, huh? (She glares at him.)
MONA: Go on, Dick.
DICK: Well, I like your dress. It matches your beautiful eyes.
MONA: Good thing I didn't wear plaid. (They both laugh.)
TONY: Uh, how about we listen to some music while we're waiting for dinner?
ANGELA: Good idea. (quietly) The less conversation the better. (Tony goes over to the stereo.)
TONY: Let's see, what have we got here? (holding it up) Oh, Jonathan made us a mix tape.
ANGELA: How sweet of him.
TONY: (looking at the tape more closely) Uh, you know, it's not really the right kind of music.
ANGELA: (to Dick) Jonathan is my teenage son.
DICK: Oh, so you have other children?
TONY: Yeah, the twins will be our third and fourth.
DICK: Nice. I like big families.
TONY: Yeah, me, too. But you know, I'm Italian.
MONA: What's on the tape, Tony?
TONY: Oh, you know, just some rock.
DICK: I like to rock & roll.
MONA: Me, too.
ANGELA: (taking the tape from Tony and reading the names off completely innocently) Let's see, we have 10CC, Steely Dan, Joe Cocker, Tower of Power, Pearl Jam, Cream, Bananarama, Lovin Spoonful— (The light finally dawns.)
TONY: Uh, Angela, can you help me with the hors-d'oeuvres?
MONA: Yeah, I'm starved now.
DICK: I'm hungry, too. (Angela sees that they're still holding hands. But Tony gestures with his head that he and Angela need to go in the kitchen, so she reluctantly follows him through the swinging door.)
MONA: So, Dick, would you like to go for a little stroll while we're waiting for dinner?
DICK: That depends. Is your place within strolling distance?
MONA: As a matter of fact, it is. (They smile at each other and then she leads him by the hand out the back door.)
Scene III: The kitchen, a moment later
(Tony is pointing at the mix tape and Angela is looking over his shoulder.)
TONY: …And as for "Pearl Jam"—
ANGELA: No, Tony, I get the idea. Oh, what an embarrassing evening this is turning out to be!
TONY: Ay, it's not so bad. Dick seems like a nice guy. And he's really falling for Mona in a big way.
ANGELA: Yes, but she knows she's not supposed to date my clients!
TONY: Angela, it's just a little harmless flirtation. Nobody said anything about dating.
ANGELA: (pacing restlessly) I know, and I know I take things too seriously. But this is a really big account.
TONY: Yeah, it's huge. Massive.
ANGELA: Tony! (She lets out a giggle.) OK, I will try to relax and not worry about people saying the wrong things or doing the wrong— (She stops, something having caught her eye through the kitchen window.)
TONY: Wrong things?
ANGELA: Tony, why is Dick Johnson following Mother upstairs to her apartment?
TONY: Well, you know, it's still awhile till dinner, and they're probably just killing time.
ANGELA: I'll kill her!
TONY: Angela, come on. They could just be talking.
ANGELA: (sarcastically) Oh, of course.
TONY: And even if they're not—
ANGELA: What?
TONY: Even if they're not, they are mature, consenting adults. And it's not like he's gonna get her pregnant.
ANGELA: Thank you, Tony, that's very comforting.
TONY: Hey, come on, I'm the one who has to worry about my meatloaf shriveling up. (She can't help it, she starts laughing. He joins her and they hug and then kiss. Cut to commercial.)
Scene IV: The kitchen, the next morning
(Tony is making breakfast and Angela is lecturing Jonathan.)
ANGELA: …And while that may've seemed funny to you, Young Man—
JONATHAN: Mom, it wasn't just me.
ANGELA: What?
JONATHAN: Well, not to name any names, but I had some help thinking of the bands.
ANGELA: Oh, like Hank and Al?
JONATHAN: Well, yeah.
ANGELA: Of all the overgrown adolescent male behav—
JONATHAN: But Sam came up with most of them.
ANGELA: (to Tony) You must be so proud.
TONY: Well, I did think Bananarama was creative. But, yeah, Jonathan, not appropriate in front of a client.
JONATHAN: How were we supposed to know Mom would be stupid enough to read them out loud?
TONY: Ay, your mother is not stupid!
ANGELA: (dignified) Thank you, Tony.
TONY: She's just really incredibly naïve sometimes.
ANGELA: (more uncertainly) Thank you, Tony.
TONY: (leaning over and kissing her cheek) It's part of your charm, Sweetheart.
JONATHAN: Anyway, from the romantic music coming from Grandma's apartment when I got home, I don't think I'm the one you need to worry about most.
ANGELA: Her lecture's next. (glancing at her watch) If she ever gets here.
TONY: Yeah, you guys are gonna miss your train if she doesn't show up soon. (Mona enters the back door, as airy and cheerful as Jessica Tate.)
MONA: Good morning, Dear Family. Isn't this a wonderful morning?
TONY: You're pretty happy for someone who hasn't had breakfast yet.
MONA: Oh, I already ate. Dick brought me breakfast in bed.
ANGELA: He's still here?
MONA: No, he had to rush off. But you'll be seeing him later.
ANGELA: Oh, well, good. I was afraid—
MONA: He's taking me out to lunch.
JONATHAN: Wow, Grandma, this sounds pretty serious. I thought it was a one-night stand at first but—
MONA: (blithely) Oh, it was. (They all look at her.) We're just going to lunch to discuss some slogans I came up with.
TONY: Yeah, like what?
MONA: Not in front of the child.
JONATHAN: Grandma, I'm almost 17.
MONA: I meant your mother. (imitating Angela at her most naïve) "Joe Cocker, Tower of Power"— (Angela storms out.) She's so touchy since you knocked her up, Tony.
TONY: (a little embarrassed) Yeah, well. (to Jonathan) OK, Buddy, we've got to get ready for school. And remember, don't tell your friends about your mom's new client.
JONATHAN: Don't worry, there are so many weird things going on in this family, I wouldn't know where to begin.
TONY: Mona, you need a lift to the train? It's on the way.
MONA: That's OK, Tony. I think I'll walk. (She strolls out.)
TONY: (in disbelief) Mona, walking? When she doesn't have to?
JONATHAN: See, wall-to-wall weirdness. (Tony nods.)
Scene V: Angela's office, later that morning
(Angela is sitting at her desk. Jack is standing there, looking stunned.)
JACK: You put Mona in charge of the new account?
ANGELA: Well, Jack, what I try to do when I delegate is to match each account with the best person for the job.
JACK: Look, I'm not questioning that Mona knows a lot about that, that product. But she doesn't have the experience. I mean from the advertising side. She's just a secretary!
ANGELA: She's not just a secretary and you know it.
JACK: Yes, she's also your mother.
ANGELA: This is not nepotism! Well, OK, no more than my hiring her in the first place. But she's been working here for six and a half years. And she's taken on more responsibility over time. And she's very creative.
JACK: I just don't want to see her blow this account. I mean— (He blushes.)
ANGELA: I know, Jack, I know. It's difficult to talk about this without feeling like we're harassing each other. But that's why my mother is perfect for the account. She can be tasteless in a tasteful way. And taste is very— (She puts her head in her hands.) I can't do this! I mean—
JACK: No, I know. Look, I'm sorry I brought it up—I mean—You know. Um, I'm going to lunch.
ANGELA: Thank you, Jack. (He exits. Angela sighs and goes back to looking over layouts.)
Scene VI: The outer office, a minute later
(Mona is at her desk. Angela enters with a portfolio.)
MONA: You're letting Jack off early? (Angela seems to be restraining herself.)
ANGELA: Yes. And what about your lunch date? Is he picking you up here?
MONA: Well, of course, Ms. Bower. He's a client.
ANGELA: Uh huh. Mrs. Robinson, when we're next not in the office, I would like to discuss with you what is and what is not appropriate at the office.
MONA: (stretching her legs) Don't worry, I don't walk in these stilettos. They're just for show.
ANGELA: Great.
MONA: In fact, it's time for me to change into flats. And some more lunch-appropriate attire. (She picks up a little overnight bag.) Excuse me. (She exits to the restroom. Angela looks like she's trying not to lose her temper. Then Dick appears in the doorway and knocks on the frame.)
DICK: Hi. Is Mona ready?
ANGELA: Uh, not yet. Can I speak to you privately, Di—Mr. Johnson?
DICK: Why, sure, Ms. Bower. (He follows her into her office.)
Scene VII: Back in Angela's office
(Both Angela and Dick are standing, she behind her desk.)
ANGELA: Now, I don't want to give you a hard time, but what are you up to? (She realizes the suggestiveness of what she just said and shakes her head.) I am so sorry!
DICK: Ms. Bower—
ANGELA: Angela.
DICK: Angela, it's OK. I know that my profession amuses and/or embarrasses a lot of people.
ANGELA: It's not that I don't know you do something important, um, Dick. You help couples and single women to have babies. Um, I mean, not you personally—
DICK: Yes. Well, I help the people who help.
ANGELA: Again, I apologize—
DICK: Angela, I'm the one who should apologize. You invited me to your home and I ran off, without explanation, with your mother, leaving you and your husband with a burnt pot roast.
ANGELA: Shriveled meatloaf actually.
DICK: I know I should've waited till after dinner to seduce your mother, but I found her so devastatingly attractive that I had to have her as soon as possible.
ANGELA: This is your apology?
MONA: (entering the room, dressed in the more conservative style she adopted during "The Fabulous Robinson Sisters") It works for me.
DICK: And that outfit works for me!
MONA: I thought it might.
DICK: I can't wait to hear all your ideas.
MONA: Well, I want to hear what you have to contribute, too.
DICK: We can collaborate.
MONA: Give and take.
ANGELA: Go to lunch!
MONA: You're the boss, Dear. (She exits arm in arm with Dick. Angela shakes her head and then reaches into her desk to take out some of the Opposites Attract food. She stuffs her face.)
Scene VIII: Angela's office, an hour or so later
(Angela is working at her desk. Mona enters with a notepad.)
MONA: Do you have a few minutes?
ANGELA: Yes, of course. Um, how was lunch?
MONA: Great. Now about the campaign.
ANGELA: Mother, can you close the door?
MONA: (doing so) Of course.
ANGELA: As your daughter and your employer, I think I have the right to know, what the hell is going on with you and Dick Johnson?
MONA: As your mother, I will tell you that he and I spent a fantastic night together, but neither of us is looking for anything more. As your employee, I will tell you that he thinks I have some wonderful ideas but they're not really what he's looking for in his campaign.
ANGELA: Oh, Mother, did you lose us the account?
MONA: No, let's just say it's frozen. (Angela winces. Mona hands over her notepad.) Here are my notes. You can see if there's anything you can work with. Or you can assign it to someone else. Maybe Jack? He's got a big staff.
ANGELA: (shaking her head) Mother.
MONA: Angela, why are you so uncomfortable about sperm?
ANGELA: I'm not uncomfortable. I just think some things are private and should be treated with respect.
MONA: Angela, I respect what Dick does. But that doesn't mean I don't know it's funny. And he was very amused by my ideas, but he is looking for something more serious. We agreed that you, as a pregnant woman, even one who had absolutely no trouble getting pregnant—if we ignore the eight years of you and Tony dancing around each other before you finally intentionally went to bed together—
ANGELA: Never mind that.
MONA: Dick and I believe that although you're more fertile than expected, and of course married to a very virile Italian, you probably will have empathy with women who are not able to get sperm through, well, ordinary channels.
ANGELA: Uh huh.
MONA: I mean, think about it, Angela. You were single and mostly celibate after Michael left. What if you had wanted another baby? Who would you have asked? Geoffrey with a G? No, you would've gone to a sperm bank.
ANGELA: (quietly) Actually, I probably would've asked Tony.
MONA: (with raised eyebrows) Really?
ANGELA: With artificial insemination I mean. But I don't think I'd have wanted an anonymous donor.
MONA: Well, some women, especially married women, aren't looking for a connection with their baby's biological father.
ANGELA: No, I understand that. It wouldn't be right for me, but I can respect it for other women.
MONA: Then why can't you respect that I just wanted a one-night stand with Dick?
ANGELA: Because, Mother, I haven't seen you light up like this about anyone since Max. And Dick is obviously crazy about you.
MONA: Max was special. He wasn't your father, but I did care for him. He just wanted something more serious than I wanted.
ANGELA: Mother, I'm not asking you to marry Dick. I just think you're both cheating yourselves out of the possibility of something more by limiting it right from the start.
MONA: Angela, I'm not like Tony, thinking a one-night stand has to lead to a relationship. (Angela looks like she's just been slapped. Mona is instantly contrite.) Dear, I am so sorry!
ANGELA: (trying not to cry) I told you, I don't ever want to discuss that night again.
MONA: Angela, it's been two and a half years. You and Tony are blissfully married and you're going to have twins. Kathleen means nothing to Tony, and she never meant much to begin with.
ANGELA: (turning cold and business-like) Thank you for your notes, Mrs. Robinson. I'll look them over and see what I can make of them. If Mr. Johnson calls, please let him know I'll have an update tomorrow morning. (Mona looks like she wants to hug and comfort her baby girl, but she then nods and resumes a professional manner.)
MONA: Yes, of course. (Mona exits, closing the door behind her. Angela sniffles and wipes her eyes. Then she starts looking over the notes. Cut to commercial.)
Scene IX: The living room, that evening, after dinner
(Angela is working on the campaign. Tony enters from the kitchen.)
TONY: (coming over) How's it going?
ANGELA: Well, these are Mother's notes. (He sits down and takes the notepad from her.)
TONY: (reading out loud) "More fun than giving blood." "Get paid for what you'd do for free anyway." "Give a piece of yourself to the world."
ANGELA: That page is for donor recruitment.
TONY: Yeah, I kinda figured. (He flips to the next page, but the doorbell rings.) I'll get it. (He goes to the door and opens it to Dick, who's got a bouquet of expensive-looking flowers.) Aw, for me? You shouldn't have!
DICK: Well, actually—
TONY: I'll run these over to Mona's. (He takes the bouquet and exits out the front door.)
DICK: Actually, those were for you, Angela.
ANGELA: (surprised) For me?
DICK: As a further apology. May I come in?
ANGELA: Yes, of course. (He sits down in the chair by the couch, on the left side of the screen.)
DICK: I see you're working on the campaign.
ANGELA: Yes, I still need to polish it and present it to my Art Department, but here's what I have so far. (She hands over a layout.)
DICK: This is great! This is exactly what I was looking for!
ANGELA: Thank you.
DICK: And thank you for being patient with me, and Mona. She told me what you said and you're right. We were limiting our options.
ANGELA: Really?
DICK: Yes, why should we just have a one-night stand, when we could have a fling?
ANGELA: (uncertainly) Glad I could help. (Tony returns.)
TONY: (sitting next to Angela) Mona will be here in a minute. She's just changing.
DICK: I hope not too much. I like her just the way she is.
TONY: (grinning) Yeah? That's great!
DICK: You know, you've got a pretty smart wife.
TONY: (proudly) Yeah, I know.
DICK: Has he seen the layout yet?
ANGELA: No, not yet. (Dick hands it over. Tony looks at it.) It's not too sentimental, is it?
TONY: (his eyes tearing up) No, this is perfect. I love that you're focusing on how much people can want their baby, when they thought they could never have one.
ANGELA: I was thinking of us.
TONY: (looking at her stomach) Us?
ANGELA: Before I mean. I used to think I should've told you I was in love with you as soon as I realized it. I was still in my thirties then. But as time went on, I started to think that even if we ever got together, I'd be too old to have children with you. But then we got our surprise, I mean surprises.
TONY: (moved) Yeah. We're really lucky after all. And Dick can help other couples get lucky—I mean. (He blushes a little.)
DICK: It's OK, Tony. I understand. (Mona enters in a stunning low-cut red dress. Dick rises to his feet.) Wow! I like the demure Mona Robinson, I like the professional Mona Robinson, but this Mona Robinson, wow!
TONY: (quietly to Angela) Those Robinson women are pretty fabulous. (She blushes.)
MONA: Well, I like all the sides of Dick Johnson.
DICK: Aw, Mona, you're going to give me a swelled head.
MONA: I hope so. (They gaze at each other, their own version of The Look, as Angela and Tony look on in that fond way they have when other couples connect. Jonathan enters from the still open front door, looks at the adults, shakes his head, and goes upstairs without saying anything. No one notices.)
DICK: Well, we'd better be going. We've got dinner reservations.
MONA: (going to him and taking his arm) Good. I wouldn't want to have to wait a long time for a table.
ANGELA: Goodnight, Mother. Goodnight, Dick. (They wave but keep looking at each other as they exit silently.)
TONY: How did you convince them to keep dating?
ANGELA: Well, Tony, I'm a top-notch advertising executive. I can be very persuasive.
TONY: (with raised eyebrows) You're tellin' me! (Their own Look. Roll credits.)