TV Guide capsule for Saturday, Jan. 30, 1993:
9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy
Jonathan tries to change his image.
Scene I: The hallowed halls of Fairfield High School, late afternoon
(Posters for the Snow Ball are on the walls. Jenny Wittener is at her locker. Jonathan approaches, checks his breath and under his arms, and then comes closer.)
JENNY: Oh, hi, Jonathan, how's it going?
JONATHAN: Good, Jenny. Um, I was wondering, would you like to go to the Snow Ball with me?
JENNY: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
JONATHAN: If it's because of the whole mess last Fall, where I couldn't make up my mind between you and Heather Harper, well, I'm sorry. But I know now I should've chosen you.
JENNY: Well, I appreciate that. But you do know that the Snow Ball is like Sadie Hawkins, and the girls are supposed to ask the guys, right?
JONATHAN: Oh. No, I didn't know that. Well, can I ask you to ask me?
JENNY: I'm sorry, Jonathan, but I already asked Zack Bueller.
JONATHAN: You asked Bueller?
JENNY: Yeah, you know I've been tutoring him in History ever since your stepdad asked me to, so he could bring up his grades and get back on the basketball team.
JONATHAN: Right. How's that going?
JENNY: Really well. Mr. Micelli told him that he should be able to play on Friday, although it'll mean bumping Washington off the team.
JONATHAN: Great. Uh, listen, about Bueller—
JENNY: Well, I really like him and so when this dance came along, I took a chance. And he said yes.
JONATHAN: Jenny, I think you should know, Bueller asked me to help him cheat on a test.
JENNY: But why would he need to since I've been tutoring him?
JONATHAN: This was before.
JENNY: Oh, the poor guy!
JONATHAN: Poor guy?
JENNY: Yes, he's so insecure. Sports are all he has!
JONATHAN: Aren't you listening to me? He's dishonest!
JENNY: If you feel that strongly about it, why didn't you turn him in?
JONATHAN: I'm not a stool pigeon. Besides— (Heather Harper enters.)
JENNY: Hey, Heather, come over here?
HEATHER: Hey, Jenny. Hey, Jonathan. How's it going?
JENNY: Heather, you won't believe what Jonathan just said.
JONATHAN: Uh, Jenny, I don't think it's a good idea to tell—
HEATHER: What?
JENNY: He asked me to the Snow Ball! (Both girls laugh. Jonathan looks humiliated.)
HEATHER: Silly boy, you're supposed to wait for the girl to ask.
JONATHAN: Uh, have you asked anyone, Heather?
HEATHER: I'm still looking around, weighing my options.
JENNY: (rolling her eyes) She's making a list.
HEATHER: And checking it twice. I'm gonna find out who's naughty or nice. Of course, we know which one you are, Bower.
JONATHAN: What that's supposed to mean?
JENNY: She just means you're a nice guy, Jonathan.
JONATHAN: I'm not that nice. I'm capable of baser emotions.
HEATHER: Oo, like what?
JONATHAN: Like revenge.
JENNY: Jonathan, you wouldn't!
JONATHAN: We'll see. (He exits dramatically.)
HEATHER: How vengeful could a nice guy be?
JENNY: I'm hoping he's just letting the air out of the tires of Zack's Corvette. (Heather looks at her, puzzled. Roll opening credits.)
Scene II: The Bower-Micelli living room, right before supper
(Tony is sitting on the couch, working on plans for the basketball team.)
TONY: (talking to himself) OK, if Bueller is back and Washington's out, then that means Jonathan will need to— (yelling towards the kitchen) Hey, Bonnie, did Jonathan come home yet?
BONNIE: (entering through the swinging door) Yes, but he went straight to his room, muttering about girls.
TONY: Oh, that's right, he was gonna ask Jenny to that Snow Ball Dance today. She must've said no.
BONNIE: But the girl is supposed to ask the guy to the Snow Ball. Everyone knows that!
TONY: I didn't know that.
BONNIE: Didn't they have balls and formal dances in Brooklyn?
TONY: Yeah, we had proms and stuff, but, let me put it this way, "balls" didn't have that meaning there.
BONNIE: Oh, what meaning did it have? (Tony just looks at her, trying to decide if she's dense or naïve or what.)
TONY: You know, sports.
BONNIE: Oh, right. And meatballs.
TONY: Yeah.
BONNIE: Oh, the spaghetti will be ready in a few more minutes.
TONY: Great. (She disappears back into the kitchen. Tony shakes his head and returns to his notes. Then Angela comes home and he goes to her. She's in her seventh month of pregnancy now, very obviously when he helps her remove her coat.) Hey, Sweetheart, how was work?
ANGELA: Good, but I'm starting to get really tired. I don't know if I can keep working till the end, like I did with Jonathan.
TONY: Well, you were a lot younger then. (She looks at him.) Sorry.
ANGELA: (sighing) No, you're right. Pregnancy at 42 is not the same as pregnancy at 25.
TONY: (putting his hand on her stomach) Plus, you know, twins.
ANGELA: Yes. It's not twice as hard, but there are days when it's close.
TONY: Come over to the couch. You need a foot rub.
ANGELA: Oh, Tony, you're so sweet!
TONY: Well, you deserve it, Baby. (He leads her over to the couch and they sit down. He takes her shoes off, and then he starts rubbing one of her feet.) Better?
ANGELA: Mm hm. You know, ever since I met you, you've been making everything better.
TONY: Well, I try.
ANGELA: Even when things get a little crazy— (She breaks off because Jonathan is descending the staircase. He's wearing sunglasses, a backwards baseball cap, a leather jacket, a white T-shirt, Doc Martens, and of course ripped jeans. He also seems to have sprouted stubble in the last few hours.)
TONY: (oblivious since he's facing away from Jonathan and looking at Angela's feet) Well, it's the same for me, Sweetheart. You're my rock, my island of sanity, my— (The shock of seeing Jonathan has worn off enough that Angela lets out a horrified scream. Tony turns.) My God!
BONNIE: (poking her head in from the kitchen) Is everything OK? Oh, nice outfit, Jonathan.
JONATHAN: (insulted) Nice?
BONNIE: Yeah, you look like you're joining a boy band. It's a very cute look for you.
JONATHAN: Great, thanks.
BONNIE: Dinner will be ready in a minute. (She disappears back into the kitchen.)
JONATHAN: (muttering) Cute, nice.
ANGELA: Why does my child have stubble?
JONATHAN: Mom, I'm almost 17.
TONY: Yeah, but you didn't have it this afternoon. What are you, Homer Simpson?
JONATHAN: OK, it's fake. Just till I have time to grow some in.
ANGELA: Jonathan, why are you growing facial hair? And dressing like this?
JONATHAN: Maybe I'm tired of the way I look.
TONY: Yeah, Angela, he's growing up. Like one day when he got tired of the bowl-cut and he went for a Flock of Seagulls hairstyle.
JONATHAN: I do not have a Flock of Seagulls hairstyle!
TONY: (demonstrating with his hand) Well, it's not that dramatic, but you got that swoopy thing goin'.
JONATHAN: That's it! I'm wearing this cap until I can grow my hair out to a non-cute length. (He storms out of the room and into the kitchen.)
ANGELA: Tony?
TONY: Yeah, Angela?
ANGELA: I think I need you to rub my other foot. (He nods and starts rubbing.)
Scene III: The kitchen, during supper
(Tony, Angela, Mona, Jonathan, and Bonnie are eating spaghetti and meatballs. Mona gestures like What's up with Jonathan? Tony and Angela gesture back You don't want to know.)
MONA: So, Jonathan, did you ask Jenny to the Snow Ball?
ANGELA: You were going to ask a girl to the Snow Ball, Jonathan?
MONA: Well, Dear, your little boy is growing up.
ANGELA: But, Mother, the Snow Ball is where the girls ask the boys.
BONNIE: Yeah, everybody knows that. (glancing at Tony) Well, almost everybody.
MONA: (shrugging) I grew up in Texas. We had a Boll Weevil Ball once.
ANGELA: Oh, I think I understand. Jonathan, you think if you dress like you're in a boy band, a girl will ask you to the dance.
JONATHAN: No, that's not it. (He eats more spaghetti, and then wipes his face, removing the fake stubble.) I'm tired of everyone treating me like a little kid. (as the others try not to laugh) Or a joke. What?
MONA: (stroking her own chin) You look more clean-shaven now. (Jonathan looks at his napkin and then throws it on the table.)
JONATHAN: I'm not hungry anymore! (He storms out through the swinging door.)
TONY: Poor kid. It's hard on him. He's been the baby of the family for so long, and he wants to feel like a man.
MONA: Then maybe he shouldn't be wearing my Doc Martens. (They all silently muse on this.)
Scene IV: The outer office of the Bower Agency, the next day
(Mona's at her desk and on the phone. Stan and Neal pass through.)
MONA: (waving at Stan and Neal) Yes, Mr. Johnson. Oh, definitely, Mr. Johnson. As soon as possible, Mr. Johnson. (Stan and Neal exit.) Yes, Richard, the lace ones you like best. (She laughs naughtily. The phone rings.) Hold on, I've got another call. (She puts him on hold and picks up the other line.) Bower Agency. How may I direct your call? (as Jack and Shirley enter and pass through) Yes, Mr. Gladstone. I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Gladstone. I'll let Ms. Bower know right away. (She hangs up and goes over to Angela's office. She knocks.)
ANGELA: (offscreen) Come in.
Scene V: Angela's office a moment later
(Angela looks up from her work as Mona enters and closes the door behind her.)
MONA: Ms. Bower, I just had a call from Mr. Gladstone.
ANGELA: We don't have any clients named Gladstone, do we?
MONA: Irving Gladstone.
ANGELA: (realizing) Oh, Irving Gladstone. How is old Irv?
MONA: Well, it seems that Irving, Jr. got called to the principal's office.
ANGELA: (no longer amused) Oh?
MONA: Yes, it seems that Little Irving mouthed off to one of his teachers.
ANGELA: I see.
MONA: Yes, his History teacher.
ANGELA: Oh!
MONA: They'd like Mrs. Gladstone to come to the school as soon as possible.
ANGELA: I see. I think I'll call it a day.
MONA: I think that's a good idea, Dear. (Cut to commercial.)
Scene VI: The high school principal's office, about an hour later
(Jonathan, looking a bit more grunge and grungy than when we last saw him, is sitting sullenly in one of the wooden chairs facing the principal's desk. Tony is in the other wooden chair. He's not sullen but he is stubbornly silent.)
PRINCIPAL: Gentlemen, I realize we're waiting for Mrs. Bower, sorry, Mrs. Micelli to get here, but as she has to come in from the City, we could be using our time more productively if we begin the discussion without her. (Neither Jonathan nor Tony speaks.) OK, I'll start. Now, as I understand it, you, Jonathan, were rude to Mr. Micelli. And then you, Mr. Micelli, said you don't have to take that kind of crap from him. Is that correct?
TONY: Look, this is sort of a family squabble, and maybe this isn't the best place to settle it.
PRINCIPAL: Well, the problem is, you had this squabble in your classroom, so that makes it a school matter.
TONY: I'm sorry, it was very unprofessional of me.
PRINCIPAL: Well, it sounds like you were provoked.
TONY: Yeah, but still.
PRINCIPAL: Jonathan, do you have anything to say for yourself? (Jonathan shrugs.) Tony, if Jonathan weren't your stepson what kind of punishment would you suggest?
TONY: I'd kick him off the basketball team. Or at least for a couple weeks.
PRINCIPAL: Jonathan, does that sound fair? (Jonathan shrugs again. The principal speaks to Tony.) Are you sure he mouthed off to you?
TONY: Yeah, he wasn't this quiet an hour ago.
PRINCIPAL: Well, let's say one week and you two can go home. (Tony nods. Then Angela bursts in.)
ANGELA: I got here as soon as I could.
PRINCIPAL: Please be seated, Mrs. Bow—Micelli.
JONATHAN: You can have my chair, Mom. (He gets up and walks out.)
ANGELA: What's going on here? (Tony gestures that she should sit. She does so.)
Scene VII: By the lockers, a minute later
(Jonathan is opening his locker when Raven, the Goth girl, strolls up to him.)
RAVEN: So, Jonathan, is this all just an act or what?
JONATHAN: (surprised she's talking to him) What?
RAVEN: You know, the clothes, the rudeness. Because if it's for real, it's pretty bad-ass. (Jonathan looks startled to have a girl say the word "ass" to him. Then he tries to play it cool.)
JONATHAN: Hey, Raven, who's to say what's real and what isn't?
RAVEN: That's really deep or really b.s.
JONATHAN: Maybe both.
RAVEN: Yeah. So, I know it's really lame and old-school, but do you want to go to the Snow Ball with me?
JONATHAN: Yeah, if I don't have anything better to do that night.
RAVEN: OK, I'll stop by at 8 on Saturday, if I'm not busy.
JONATHAN: Whatever. (He waits till she exits before doing a "Yes!" fist-pump. Then Tony and Angela appear and Jonathan tries to look sullen again.)
ANGELA: Young Man, you're grounded for a week!
JONATHAN: (losing his cool) But the Snow Ball's on Saturday!
TONY: I thought you didn't have a date.
JONATHAN: A girl just asked me.
ANGELA: Well, I don't think you should be going to any dance with a girl who is attracted to you when you're not looking or acting like yourself.
JONATHAN: Thanks, Mom. Unfortunately, no girls have been attracted to me lately when I'm myself. And maybe this is my true self.
TONY: Jonathan.
ANGELA: OK, you want to dress differently, wear your hair differently, maybe even act differently, fine. But we did not raise you to show disrespect to your elders. That Tony is your stepfather as well as your teacher means that he is all the more worthy of respect.
JONATHAN: OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mom. And I'm very sorry, Tony.
TONY: Why couldn't you say that in the principal's office?
JONATHAN: Because I don't care about being punished at school.
TONY: So it doesn't matter to you that you're off the basketball team? (Jonathan shrugs.) What's going on with you, Buddy? Tell us.
JONATHAN: It doesn't matter.
ANGELA: Jonathan.
JONATHAN: Yeah, Mom?
ANGELA: If you really want to go to the Snow Ball, you can.
JONATHAN: Yeah, I guess. Thanks. (Tony and Angela look at each other, baffled.)
Scene VIII: The living room, the next afternoon
(Jonathan is slouching on the couch, watching TV. Bonnie enters with a feather duster.)
BONNIE: Wow, I must be getting old. I can remember when MTV still played music. (Jonathan grunts in acknowledgement.) Um, don't you have homework?
JONATHAN: I'll get to it later. I have extra time now that I'm off the basketball team.
BONNIE: You are? Wow, you must be really upset! (He shrugs.) OK, if you don't want to talk about it. (She starts to exit to the kitchen.)
JONATHAN: (sitting up straight) No, Bonnie, wait. I'm sorry. I need someone to talk to.
BONNIE: (sitting next to him on the couch) Did someone ask you to help them cheat on one of Tony's tests again?
JONATHAN: No, but it's related to that. That guy I didn't help before ended up bailing on the test, but now Jenny Wittener's tutoring him and dating him.
BONNIE: Oh, and you still like Jenny.
JONATHAN: Well, a little, yeah. But mostly it bothers me that I told her what he asked me to do and she just felt sorry for him. And now he's back on the basketball team and I got kicked off.
BONNIE: But that was for being rude to Tony in class.
JONATHAN: I know. It's just. (He sighs.) Nothing works for me, if I'm a nice guy or a punk.
BONNIE: Jonathan, you're graduating a year early and you have a bright future. As for dating, well, it's hard in high school. I remember. I was never as popular as Sam and I was sort of in her shadow as her best friend. I'm not as pretty as her—
JONATHAN: I think you're at least as pretty.
BONNIE: Well, thank you. For a long time I was the shortest girl in my class, and I felt insecure about that.
JONATHAN: You're tall now though. Well, kind of short-tall.
BONNIE: Yeah, but men seem to prefer petite girls like Sam.
JONATHAN: I don't. I've always liked tall girls.
BONNIE: Well, too bad there aren't more guys like you.
JONATHAN: Like me in what way?
BONNIE: Nice. (He frowns.) No, I mean it. Like, Al is cute but he's not very nice. You're sweet and smart and funny.
JONATHAN: And cute?
BONNIE: Yes, even with pretend stubble.
JONATHAN: Thank you.
BONNIE: You'll find the right girl someday. I'm sure of it.
JONATHAN: Maybe I already have.
BONNIE: I thought you said that that Raven girl isn't really your type.
JONATHAN: She's not.
BONNIE: Well, too bad you're going to the dance with Raven. This other girl might've asked you.
JONATHAN: She can't. She doesn't go to my school.
BONNIE: Oh, too bad.
JONATHAN: (quietly) Yeah.
BONNIE: So how did you two meet?
JONATHAN: She's my stepsister's best friend.
BONNIE: But I'm your— Jonathan, you like me?
JONATHAN: Uh huh.
BONNIE: But, but, you're only sixteen!
JONATHAN: I'll be seventeen next week.
BONNIE: Yeah, but I'm nineteen. And a half!
JONATHAN: So? You're still a teenager.
BONNIE: But I'm a college sophomore.
JONATHAN: Well, I'll be in college in the Fall.
BONNIE: Jonathan, this is crazy!
JONATHAN: If you were the guy and I was the girl, no one would even care about the age difference.
BONNIE: Your mother would care!
JONATHAN: Mom thinks I'm barely old enough to date anyone. You can't go by that.
BONNIE: But I mean—Well, you can't date your maid!
JONATHAN: What about Mom and Tony? And she's two years older than he is.
BONNIE: Yeah, but they're middle-aged.
JONATHAN: Well, they were thirteen and eleven when they first kissed.
BONNIE: Oh, that's right. Sam told me.
JONATHAN: Look, if you don't like me, just say so.
BONNIE: Of course I like you, Jonathan. But for over seven years, you've been my friend's sort of little brother. OK, you've grown up and you're taller than I am now, but— Give me some time here.
JONATHAN: How much time?
BONNIE: A year? And a couple weeks, so you can turn 18.
JONATHAN: Well, I guess I'm going to the Snow Ball with Raven after all.
BONNIE: Do you want me to press your tux? Or are you sticking with the grunge look?
JONATHAN: Bonnie.
BONNIE: Have you had a crush on me all this time?
JONATHAN: Of course not. When we met, I thought girls were icky. Well, except Jenny Wittener. And I thought you were one of Sam's shallow airhead friends.
BONNIE: Well, I'm not smart like you. Or Jenny.
JONATHAN: You've got more common sense than either of us. And I think my crush started around the time you became my housekeeper.
BONNIE: (nodding) That's around the time I started thinking of you as a friend, not just the brother of a friend.
JONATHAN: So are we at least still friends?
BONNIE: Of course. And I am really flattered.
JONATHAN: OK.
BONNIE: Jonathan?
JONATHAN: Yeah, Bonnie?
BONNIE: If you don't go to the Snow Ball, do you want to catch a movie on Saturday?
JONATHAN: (grinning) Yeah?
BONNIE: As friends I mean.
JONATHAN: Sure! What do you want to see?
BONNIE: Well, nothing romantic.
JONATHAN: OK.
BONNIE: How about Bram Stoker's Dracula? I still haven't seen it.
JONATHAN: I don't know. There's going to be neck-biting. In the movie I mean.
BONNIE: I'll put garlic on my popcorn. (They look at each other and seem like they might kiss. Then Tony enters the front door.)
TONY: Hi, Bonnie. Hi, Jonathan.
BONNIE: (getting back to her feet and dusting) Hi, Tony.
JONATHAN: Hey. (They both act a little guilty, but Tony doesn't notice, as he's closing the door.)
TONY: (turning around again) OK, Jonathan, I realized something at today's basketball practice. When you're back on the team—
JONATHAN: Uh, can we please talk about this later, Tony? I've got some homework to do.
TONY: Yeah, sure. It can wait. (Jonathan gets up from the couch and goes upstairs.) Well, I guess his rebellious phase is over. That didn't last long.
BONNIE: (shrugging) Well, you know teenagers.
TONY: (a little puzzled) Yeah. (Cut to commercial.)
Scene IX: The living room, Saturday night
(Al is slouching on the couch, watching TV. Tony and Angela descend the staircase, nuzzling each other and wearing pajamas.)
TONY: Then we'll put on The Way We Were, snuggle up on the couch, and— (They reach the bottom of the stairs and see Al.) And that'll leave more room for Al.
AL: 'Zup?
ANGELA: Al, why aren't you watching TV at home?
AL: Our cable's out and the repairman ain't comin' till "sometime between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. on Tuesday." Good thing there's four of us livin' there, right?
TONY: Yeah, good thing.
AL: I must be gettin' old. I can remember when there was music on MTV.
TONY: Well, you are pushing 25. (The doorbell rings.) I'll get it. (He opens it to Raven, who's wearing a Goth ball gown, black of course, with a corset etc.) Hey, Raven. Did you have a question about History class?
RAVEN: No, I'm here to take Jonathan to the Snow Ball. (Angela looks her up and down.)
ANGELA: You're not taking my son anywhere.
RAVEN: (looking her up and down) Oh, you must be the mom. Yeah, he should have fun rebelling against you. Where is he?
AL: At the movies. (They all look at him.) Yeah, he said he was gonna see Dracula with a friend.
TONY: Well, I guess you're not going out with Jonathan tonight. Sorry, Raven. See you in class on Monday.
RAVEN: Yeah, whatever. It was a stupid dance anyway.
AL: Oh, it's a dance. I thought it was skiin' or somethin'.
RAVEN: Hey, Dude on the Couch, are you single?
AL: Who wants to know?
RAVEN: Maybe I do.
AL: Ay, I don't date high school girls.
RAVEN: So go with me as a friend. That'll really shake everybody up at the Snow Ball.
AL: Yeah, I guess I can go. I ain't got nothin' better to do tonight. (He gets up and grabs his leather jacket, then heads towards her.) Should I go home and change?
RAVEN: (looking him up and down) No, you're perfect just the way you are.
AL: Thanks. (He slings his arm around her shoulder and they exit.)
ANGELA: Tony, what just happened here?
TONY: (shaking his head) I don't want to know. But I'll go make the popcorn. You put in the tape. (She nods. Roll ending credits.)