It kind of bugged Nami a good chunk of the afternoon that she felt personally responsible for Luffy's wounds. She saw them late in the morning after Luffy popped by as she was tending to the mikan trees. She didn't say anything because he was in such a good mood. She tried to forget it as much as possible, but that nagging feeling was still there. 'I knew I should have just kept my mouth shut. I knew saying something was just going to initiate something. I bet he scratched himself because of what I said!'
Nami spent a few quiet moments trying to remember when or where she'd seen him scratch himself before, but kept coming up short. There had been so many hectic days and adventures after they all reunited and she also didn't pay that much attention to his scar until now. He could have scratched it in his sleep and she would never know.
Nami stared at the clear sky. Fingers lightly touched her tattoo, eyes clouding over.
"Arlong...!" The mocking laughter echoed in her ears. Fingernails tried to rip the horrid design from her skin, but failed. It was over. He had taken everything from her after all her hard work. She had never hated anything more in that instant than the deceitful liar. She also hated herself for not being strong enough to stop him. Her eyes spotted a glint below and without thinking, she grabbed it. It plunged into her arm and sent waves of hot pain, but the hate was still rampant. She plunged the knife in again and again, trying to kill the hate and his image in her mind. "Arlong! Arlong! Arlong!"
Nami's eyes closed slowly. Had Luffy not stopped her, she might have continued until she had severed the entire thing. Just as she had injured herself out of hate, she knew he must also be doing so for some similar reason. Was Luffy angry at himself for his brother's death? Was he punishing himself for not saving his brother? Was he doing something like she had and "attacking back" unconsciously? It was difficult to know since she wasn't there and the newspaper hadn't provided many insightful pictures nor story. She had spent only a brief time with Ace in the desert, but he seemed like a good enough person. She sensed how important family was to him.
Nami wanted to apologize for possibly causing him mental strife, but figured bringing it up would only make things worse. Apologizing may make her feel better, but she didn't want that at the cost of him. She tried to just forget it, but every meal they ate and she saw the bandages just made her want to apologize all over again. 'Ahh! This is so aggravating!'
Nami kept spying glances at him and caught him looking at her a few times during dinner. She managed a few successful redirects to keep his suspicions low, but the tenth time she looked his way, he steadily met her gaze and his eyes seemed to search hers. She pointedly ignored him after that, but felt like he was purposely staring at her, although he never said a word. She ended up snapping at a few sitting around her before excusing herself for some fresh air.
The night air helped. The wide open space of the ocean took down the cramped feeling. Nami sighed and went to the grassy deck and plopped down on the swing. She stared at the darkening sky in silence, letting the breeze move her hair. Nami inhaled as much as she could and exhaled in a whoosh when her lungs hurt. 'Just suck it up and get over this! You can't steer the ship if you can't even hold a proper conversation at the dinner table!' A hand grabbed her hair and tugged. 'There's no point in making things worse! Just apologize outside now where no one can hear and get it all out while you still can.'
"I'm such an idiot." She mumbled. Nami stared at the hands in her lap, lightly swinging. "I'm really sorry Luffy."
"For what?"
Nami gasped loudly and fell backwards off the swing. A hand went to the back of her head. "Ow ow ow!"
He jumped down from the upper deck and landed in front of the swing. He kneeled down and met her eyes, head tilting. He thought she had been acting strange when she kept looking at him, but not normally. Her glances only made her more suspicious and when she left after snapping at Sanji, he figured that told him something was going on with her and he followed her to figure it out."What are you doing? Why did you stare at me all throughout dinner?" He extended a hand, but she ignored it and rolled away from him.
"I'm not doing anything." She ignored the other question and tried to cover how red she was by pretending to dust her pants off.
"Then what are you apologizing for?" He walked around the swing to face her and took a step into her personal space. "Why are you all red?"
The question only made her blush more. "Never mind!" A hand pushed his chest, but he didn't budge. "Why don't you just go back inside with everyone and leave me alone?"
Her empty words made him concerned. He gripped the hand trying to push him away and tugged her closer. "No. How come your face is all red? Why do you look so worried? What's wrong with you? I came all this way out here to figure out what's going on so just tell me."
Her palm accidentally brushed against the gauze in her attempt to pull away from him and she jerked her hand from his. Fists clenched as she briefly stared at the white, stubbornly resolving not to tell him. "It's none of your business!" She side-stepped. A fist came down on his head in frustration at his own stubbornness, though she knew he wouldn't be hurt over it. "Now just leave me alone!"
"What'd you do that for?!" He followed her, easily keeping pace, as they crossed the grass. "What's your problem?" If he couldn't see what she was obviously running from something concerning him, he would've complied with her wish and left her. He wasn't going to let her deal with whatever issue she was having when he could clearly see something was really bothering her. Did he do something? What did she feel the need to apologize for? He couldn't think of any recent issues where she would need to feel sorry.
"You're so persistent!" She glared at him when he cut off her retreat by jumping ahead of her on the stairs leading to the second floor. She got in his face, pushing his chest again. "I told you to just leave me alone!"
"And I said no!" He followed her when she shoved around him. "Why are you being so stubborn?! What's so horrible to say?" He let her get halfway up the stairs to the top floor before he vaulted to the other landing and cut her off. "What did you do that you have to apologize for? Whatever it is, it can't possibly be as bad as you're making it out to be!"
A bunch of the air left Nami's sails as she remained mere stairs away from him. She looked to the dark waters and wished she could throw her emotions to the depths below and move on. Just when she had resolved to forget this, Luffy was compounding the issue by not letting her!
Before Nami could speak, Luffy's arms suddenly encircled her waist as he took them through the air and landed on the lion's head. She didn't care if she screamed his head off the whole way there; what was he doing?! No matter how many times Luffy did this, no one was ever used to it nor were they expecting it.
His arms unwrapped from around her, but he didn't let her leave. "There! You've got nowhere else to run to so now you can just spit it out." His hands clapped down on her shoulders. "I'm not going to let you try to go back! If you didn't want to say anything in front of the others, we're on the other side of the ship. What's wrong?! Come on! Just tell me!"
"I..." Luffy shook her a little in his impatience and her temper flared at him and the situation they created. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Okay?! I'm sorry!"
He nodded, brows furrowing, glad they were finally getting somewhere. "Why? For what?" Instead of getting an answer, her finger reached out and poked his bandages as she looked away from him. He looked down and raised a brow. "My scratches?" He huffed and let her go. "They just itched! What's the big deal? Why are you apologizing about that? Why is everyone making such a big fuss about them?!"
She didn't think he'd remember. "Those are my fault." She sighed, feeling horrible again. "I'm sorry Luffy."
His head tilted in confusion and he resisted the urge to pull his hair in annoyance. "Hah? I don't get it. You didn't scratch me; I did."
"I made you remember something horrible and you injured yourself because of it. I didn't mean to! I actually didn't want to say anything! I feel bad from this morning when I mentioned Bellemere to you."
"I've dealt with patients before who have inflicted their own injuries... Everyone knows how you got this scar Luffy and from where."
He huffed a sigh and looked to the ocean. The sun was mostly down and shadows were everywhere. A hand came up and scratched his hair as he found himself at a loss for words. He really did appreciate everyone's concern for his well-being, but this was going too far. He didn't need Nami to feel like she caused him to injure himself by sharing a sad memory from her past. If he was so affected by every sad thing he encountered since the war, he would never have passed the two years safely by himself.
But he did admit that he did had dreams in the beginning about Ace's death. It haunted him for a while during his time on the island. He focused on his training and tried to exhaust himself most times to keep from remembering and dreaming about it. The dreams stopped as the fated reunion came near and his mind was filled with his friends. They were so busy and so much was taking up his mind that he didn't have much time to dwell on the past. He really didn't want to either. The past was in the past and nothing was going to change it. Just like Jinbei said, don't focus on what you lost...focus on what you still have. That was his crew and they were part of the reason why he was finally able to sleep at night without waking up in a cold sweat.
He came from his thoughts when Nami turned away from him. Neither of them said anything, but he didn't know what to say. Why should he accept an apology for something she didn't intentionally do? She didn't know that he'd unconsciously do that to himself. She had nothing to be sorry for. He took a step toward her back and put a hand on her shoulder. "You don't need to apologize you know. I'm fine."
Her lips pursed. "I know that...but it didn't help me all day that I felt bad knowing you did that to yourself partially because I said something sad. I know that it's probably the last thing you want to think about ever again Luffy. I really thought about not saying something during our conversation this morning, but I did anyway. I just feel a little stupid about the whole thing."
His hand lightly kept contact with her skin as he walked to her side and draped his arm over her shoulder. He stared at the water with her in silence for a bit. He could remember himself screaming as loud and long as his lungs would let him before he passed out. He could remember the strain on his already horridly damaged body after he woke up and the change of scenery. He could remember how his heart shattered even further when Jinbei confirmed the news to him.
"Jinbei once told me to remember what I still have, not what I'd lost." He finally sighed. "A lot happened that day and I prefer not to keep thinking about it because it won't change anything." He turned to look at her, arm still around her shoulders. "I'm glad you shared a little about your mom with me. I'd rather suffer through a little scratch than you feel like you can't say something to me. So stop feeling like an idiot already and return to normal."
Her lips twitched as head shook a little. She looked at him and his goofy grin and her smile widened. Luffy's smile was infectious...always had been. A limp arm came up and wrapped around his waist and gave him a squeeze, which he easily returned. After a brief pause, her free hand came up and pinched his nose lightly. "Well then...if I'm okay to share sad times with you, I expect you to share sad times with me. That's what I'm here for. That's why I'm your friend remember? Friends don't keep things from each other. I know it may be painful for you to think about, but you never tell any of us anything sad. None of us still know what happened. I hope one day you'll sit down and lean on me or one of us and finally say something."
"Okay, okay!" He conceded when she started stretching his nose out a little. His free hand batted her hand away, but her arm was still around his waist.
"So, I'll say this one final time. I'm sorry Luffy." His eyes rolled. He started a retort, but she cut him off with a tight squeeze around the waist. "Just accept my apology already."
He squirmed a little, though she wasn't really hurting him. "Okay! I accept your apology!"
Her lips tilted up higher as she relaxed her grip, but didn't release him. Her free hand came up and patted the arm still over her shoulders. "Thank you. I feel better now."
"Good! Now let's head back to the dining room and see what the others are doing!"
"Sure...but I'll walk."