TV Guide capsule for Saturday, March 20, 1993:
9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy
Mona explains to Ernie why Sam has moved back home.
Scene I: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, late morning on a Saturday
(Mona is sitting reading a bridal magazine, when Ernie the water man enters from outside, with a large full bottle.)
ERNIE: (setting the bottle down) Hey, Mona, I haven't seen you in awhile. But I heard the news about your engagement. Congratulations!
MONA: Thank you.
ERNIE: So a bridal magazine, huh? Are you planning a big wedding?
MONA: No, I just like to ogle the male models.
ERNIE: (shaking his head) Your husband is gonna have a hell of a time taming you.
MONA: He's not even going to try. (Sam enters in a ratty bathrobe, her hair a mess, and looking like she's been crying.)
SAM: (to Ernie) Oh, it's you.
ERNIE: Good to see you, too, Samantha.
MONA: I'll let you know if he shows up, Dear.
SAM: I don't care. (She exits back through the swinging door.)
ERNIE: What's that about?
MONA: You got an hour?
ERNIE: Let's say half an hour. Maybe twenty-four minutes, not counting commercials. (Roll opening credits.)
Scene II: The same set, in a flashback
(Mona is sitting reading a different bridal magazine and wearing a different outfit. The screen is frozen initially.)
MONA: (in voiceover) It all started a couple weeks ago. I was sitting here in the kitchen, when Sam came in, all excited... (The screen unfreezes and Sam excitedly enters from outside.)
SAM: Mona, I've got the best news ever!
MONA: Oh?
SAM: Yes, do you remember that internship I applied for with a record company?
MONA: Vaguely.
SAM: Well, you know I've been thinking about going into music management ever since I managed Al's band.
MONA: I sort of knew that.
SAM: Well, anyway, this is a wonderful opportunity to really get to know the music business from the inside.
MONA: Congratulations! Is it paid?
SAM: Well, no, but it'll look great on a résumé when I graduate. And even if I don't go into that exact field, it'll still be useful experience.
MONA: Well, I'm all about gaining experience. (Sam shakes her head but is amused. Bonnie enters through the swinging door.)
BONNIE: Oh, hi, Sam. Are you coming over for dinner tonight, or do you want to wait till I get home for dinner there? (It takes Sam a moment to process this.)
SAM: I'm eating at home. But I do want to ask you a big favor.
BONNIE: What's that?
SAM: Could you make a special dinner for my internship supervisor?
BONNIE: Oh, you got the internship? Congratulations!
SAM: Thank you.
BONNIE: When did you want the dinner?
SAM: Tomorrow night, if possible.
BONNIE: Oh, gee, that's kind of short notice. I don't know if I could make dinner for here and there in the same night if one of them is a special dinner.
MONA: Sam, you don't mind if we join you, do you?
SAM: We?
MONA: Tony, Angela, Jonathan, and I.
SAM: Well, I guess that would be OK. Do you mind dinner for nine, Bonnie?
BONNIE: It's still easier than two separate dinners.
MONA: And after all, Sam, Tony is going to want to meet your supervisor.
SAM: (sighing) True. He still thinks of me as a kid. Of course, he might not be too happy once he meets the supervisor.
MONA: What's wrong with the supervisor?
SAM: Well, John is very nice but he is good-looking and single.
MONA: How is that something wrong?
SAM: I mean that Dad might be overprotective even though I'm happily married, and John is older.
MONA: How much older?
SAM: Mona, you're engaged!
MONA: Not for me, Sam. For Bonnie.
BONNIE: Oh, gee, Mona, I don't think you should try to fix me up with Sam's supervisor, that's just asking for trouble.
SAM: Yeah, especially since John was interested in Angela three years ago. (They stare at her. Freeze-frame.)
Scene III: The same set, back to the present
ERNIE: Three years ago? Was this around the time of Tony's little misadventure with his classmate?
MONA: Exactly. Do you remember how Angela had Tony's study group go to a hotel to study, while she entertained a couple of clients?
ERNIE: Of course. And then the study group shrunk down to two.
MONA: Right. Well, Angela had the account for Encanto Records, and she charmed both of its vice-presidents, John and Peter. In the aftermath of Tony's all-nighter, when Tony decided to do the gentlemanly and boneheaded thing of actually trying to have a relationship with Kathleen, I encouraged Angela to not mope at home but to go out and have fun dating other men.
ERNIE: I remember. She was dating that guy Christopher for awhile. He was great!
MONA: Yes, and Tony was thoroughly jealous, just as I hoped.
ERNIE: Yeah. And she went out with Peter for a longer while. But what about John?
MONA: They flirted, but I don't think anything happened there.
ERNIE: Well, then it's a good thing it was him instead of Peter that became Sam's supervisor.
MONA: Yes and no.
Scene IV: The front porch of the Harpers' house, the night of the dinner party
MONA: (in voiceover) We arrived for the dinner party a little early, thanks to Tony. (Mona, Tony, Angela, and Jonathan, all dressed up, arrive on the doorstep.) I of course looked fabulous.
TONY: So, Angela, tell me more about this guy.
ANGELA: Tony, there's not that much to tell. He knows the music business and he laughed at my jokes.
MONA: So he has a bad sense of humor.
ANGELA: Thank you, Mother.
TONY: And he's flirtatious, right?
ANGELA: (obviously uncomfortable) Well, a little. But no more than most people in show biz.
TONY: (suspiciously) Uh huh.
JONATHAN: Can we ring the bell now or are we going to spend the whole night on the porch? (Tony is annoyed but he rings the doorbell. Everyone freezes.)
MONA: (in voiceover) John Petrie was right on time for dinner.
Scene V: The Harpers' dining room, a few minutes later
(Like the rest of the Harpers' house, it's a mirror image of Angela and Tony's. Everyone is seated except Sam, who's ushering John Petrie in, and Bonnie's who's putting food on the table. The four housemates have all dressed up, except of course Al.)
SAM: Everyone, this is John Petrie, my supervisor. (They all greet him, ad-libbing "nice to meet you" and similar, except for Angela and Tony.)
TONY: We've met.
JOHN: Of course. And who could forget Angela?
ANGELA: Nice to see you again, John.
JOHN: Thank you. Oh, and Peter says hello.
ANGELA: (trying not to feel awkward, or to activate Tony's jealousy) Great.
MONA: (in voiceover) So dinner was a little awkward.
ERNIE: (in voiceover) I can imagine.
MONA: But you know my credo: the best way to fight embarrassment is with more embarrassment. And I'd told Jonathan to pretend he was seven instead of seventeen and ask an awkward question.
JONATHAN: So is it nepotism if you're not getting paid?
MONA: (still in voiceover) This broke the ice. (Everyone looks embarrassed and then they can't help but start laughing. They all freeze.)
ERNIE: So it sounds like it went OK. Where's the problem?
MONA: There was no problem for awhile. Everyone accepted John Petrie as Sam's supervisor and seemed to like him. But then one night when I was entertaining my fiancé….
Scene VI: Mona's apartment, about a week after the dinner party
(Mona and Richard are smooching on her couch. Someone knocks.)
RICHARD: Did you want to answer that?
MONA: Of course not.
RICHARD: Just thought I'd ask. (They go back to smooching.)
HANK: (offscreen) Mona, are you home? I really need to talk to someone.
MONA: (sighing) Excuse me, Richard. I need to go perform one of my step-grandmother-in-law-ly duties. (Richard looks amused but sympathetic. She gets up and goes to open the door.) Hank, why can't you go talk to your wife?
HANK: Because this is about Sam.
MONA: Then why can't you talk to Tony?
HANK: Because this is about Sam and her supervisor.
MONA: Then why can't you talk to Al?
HANK: I'm not taking relationship advice from Al!
MONA: Bonnie?
HANK: No, she's Sam's best friend.
MONA: (sighing) Come on in.
HANK: Thank you. Oh, hi, Richard. Hey, you were married, weren't you?
RICHARD: Well, not recently, but yes.
HANK: Good. Then you'll have the male perspective to back me up, while Mona tells me what the hell Sam is thinking.
RICHARD: Uh, I'll be glad to.
MONA: Trouble with the newlyweds?
HANK: We're not newlyweds anymore. We've been together over a year.
MONA: So is this the thirteen-month itch?
HANK: Well, I'm not itchy.
MONA: But you think Sam is having someone else scratch her?
HANK: Of course not!
MONA: Well?
HANK: But I think she's getting itchy.
MONA: Oh? Why?
HANK: Well, she's always talking about how smart and funny and hip "John" is. And it's always "John," never "Mr. Petrie."
MONA: Well, it's show-biz. Fat, balding men with cigars call each other Sweetheart. Of course they also do that in certain bars in Greenwich Village.
RICHARD: Mona's right. (They look at him.) I don't mean about the bars. I'll take your word for that, Darling. But so far, Hank, you haven't told us anything that suspicious about Sam.
HANK: Wait, there's more. She's been coming home late a lot.
MONA: Well, my husband Robert came home late a lot. He was always "busy at the office."
HANK: And he never had an affair?
MONA: No, I did. (Hank looks shocked, Richard unfazed.)
HANK: (whispering) You did?
MONA: Yes, I felt neglected. I'm not proud of my affair, but I did finally confess it to Robert. We talked things out and I was faithful from then on. And he was much more attentive.
HANK: Well, I don't want things to get to the point of me or Sam having an affair.
MONA: Then talk to her.
HANK: I tried but she accused me of being jealous.
MONA: Aren't you?
HANK: Yes, but I wouldn't be if she didn't keep giving me cause!
RICHARD: What else has she done?
HANK: OK, see if you think I'm overreacting when you hear this. He wants her to go with him to Hollywood over Spring Break.
MONA: I see.
RICHARD: Well, what are the circumstances?
HANK: Some big music industry awards ceremony. Not the Grammys, those were in February, but something almost as big.
RICHARD: Did he invite her as his date?
HANK: Not exactly.
MONA: Not exactly? How does that work?
RICHARD: Yeah, dating is like pregnancy. You're either doing it or you're not.
MONA: Unless you're Tony and Angela from 1985 to '91.
RICHARD: Good point.
HANK: She would be his "arm candy." (He shudders at the phrase.)
MONA: Well, that could be harmless. I've gone to lots of events simply as "the attractive companion."
HANK: And you never fooled around with any of those men?
MONA: I didn't say that.
HANK: Great.
RICHARD: Hank, maybe you are overreacting.
HANK: Am I? I mean, if this ceremony were in New York, I wouldn't mind so much. But she's going to fly out there to California and stay in the same hotel with him for three nights.
RICHARD: Three?
HANK: Yes. There's the pre-party and then the party and then the after-party.
MONA: That doesn't mean anything, Hank. They're not staying in the same room, are they?
HANK: Well, no.
MONA: Adjoining?
HANK: No.
MONA: Adjacent? Across the hall? On the same floor?
HANK: I didn't get room numbers and floor plans!
MONA: Hank, look, if Sam, who is by the way still as crazy about you as she was a year ago, wanted to have an affair, she'd have an affair. People who want to cheat find the opportunity. I did. Tony did.
RICHARD: I thought you said that wasn't cheating when Tony did it.
MONA: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. I didn't think of it as cheating. He and Angela hadn't made any sort of formal commitment to each other. Well, OK, we found out later that South Carolina thought they were formally committed, but we didn't know that at the time. Still, he thought of it as cheating, and so did she. And ultimately, that was what really mattered.
HANK: So if I think I have a reason to be jealous, then that's reason enough?
RICHARD: I think what Mona is saying is you should discuss your jealousy in a calm, reasonable way. Then Sam can reassure you that you have no reason to be jealous.
HANK: And what if I'm still jealous?
MONA: Then you can go get advice from Tony and Angela, since they seem to thrive on jealousy.
HANK: (sighing) OK, I'll talk to Sam. What have I got to lose? (Freeze frame.)
MONA: (in voiceover) So Hank went home and talked to Sam. Then an hour later….
Scene VII: The same set, an hour later
(Mona and Richard are again smooching on her couch. Someone knocks.)
RICHARD: You're going to answer that, aren't you?
MONA: Afraid so. (She sighs and gets to her feet.) I don't know why Hank feels the need to report back how it went. I don't urgently need to know.
SAM: (offscreen) Mona, are you home?
MONA: (as she goes to the door) I'm guessing it didn't go well. (She opens the door to Sam, who has a suitcase.) At all well.
SAM: Mona, what did you tell Hank?
MONA: I just told him to talk to you about his jealousy.
SAM: You did, huh? Well, now he's making all sorts of accusations!
MONA: Oh. Um, Dear, about the suitcase. You're not thinking of moving back in here, are you?
SAM: No, right now I'm too mad at you to want to live with you.
MONA: Oh, darn.
SAM: I just stopped off here on my way back home.
MONA: Home as in the Harpers' house?
SAM: No, as in home to Father.
MONA: Uh, Sam, you do know they turned your old room into a nursery, don't you?
SAM: I know. I told Angela back in December that I was fine with it. After all, when would I ever need it again? (She bursts into tears. Freeze-frame.)
Scene VIII: The kitchen set, back to the present
MONA: Well, of course she hadn't told Tony and Angela that she was "coming home." And they weren't too happy about it of course. But la famiglia is everything to Tony, and this was his little girl crying on his doorstep. After she left my doorstep I mean. So they got her old bed down from the attic and moved it into Jonathan's old room.
ERNIE: But wasn't that a problem for Tony and Angela? I mean, they're still kind of newlyweds themselves. And rumor has it that pregnancy hasn't slowed them down much.
MONA: True, and, yes, they felt self-conscious with Sam down the hallway, when they'd gotten used to living on the top floor on their own. Also, Tony being Tony, he tried to patch things up between Hank and Sam.
Scene IX: The Bower-Micelli living room, after Sam has been "home" a couple days
(Sam and Hank are sitting in the chairs next to the couch, not making eye contact. She has her arms crossed and he's tapping his foot impatiently. Tony is sitting in the middle of the couch, waiting for someone to say something.)
TONY: OK, Hank, you feel that Sam hasn't considered your feelings. And, Sam, you feel that Hank isn't trusting you or letting you pursue your career.
SAM: Sam also feels that her father is putting words in her mouth.
HANK: And Hank feels like words just make everything worse.
MONA: (in voiceover) Tony tried everything he could think of. He tried psychodrama.
TONY: OK, Sam, you're Hank the day he suggested you two get married too young. (They both glare at him.)
MONA: He tried puppets. (We see Hank and Sam holding up two of his puppets and using them to argue.) He even tried Pictionary. (Sam furiously, in the senses of both angrily and quickly, draws a picture and then holds it up so that the audience can't see it but Tony and Hank can. Hank shudders as if it's horrific. Tony grabs it out of Sam's hands and crumples it up. The screen freezes.) But it just led to Hank storming out and Sam crying.
ERNIE: (in voiceover) But what was happening with this Petrie guy all this time?
MONA: Well, this is how Sam told it to me, but I don't have any reason not to believe her.
Scene X: John Petrie's office at Encanto Records, a day after Pictionary
(Sam and John are listening to rock music at full blast. He's rocking out, but she's subdued. After awhile, he notices her and he turns off the music.)
JOHN: Sam, what's bothering you?
SAM: Nothing.
JOHN: Come on, I may not be the brightest guy in the world, but you are not the bubbly, enthusiastic intern you were a week ago.
SAM: Well, it's personal.
JOHN: Sam, Sam, Sammy. I told you to not just think of me as a boss but as a friend. Now, come on, what's wrong?
SAM: Well, it's so ridiculous. But Hank is jealous of you.
JOHN: Ridiculous?
SAM: I mean, no offence. You're very attractive. But I'm married and you're older than my dad.
JOHN: Oh, of course.
SAM: Anyway, I tried to tell Hank that there's nothing going on, but he thinks your intentions are, how did Dad put it yesterday, "less than pure."
JOHN: Well, there's not a lot of purity in the music industry.
SAM: Well, no, but when we go to Hollywood next week, it's going to strictly professional, isn't it?
JOHN: That depends.
SAM: Depends?
JOHN: Well, it sounds like your marriage is on shaky grounds. So if you need some comforting and companionship—
SAM: (shocked) You sleazeball! So Hank is right! You just chose me so you could try to seduce me.
JOHN: (holding his hands up defensively) Now, come on, Sam, it's not like that.
SAM: Oh, what is it like?
JOHN: Well, two and a half years ago, Peter told me that Angela's housekeeper had a bright young daughter who was interested in music. And, yes, he mentioned how pretty you were.
SAM: (disgusted) I was barely 18 then! And he was dating Angela!
JOHN: Well, he wasn't after you himself. He just mentioned it once at the time. And then again when your application showed up.
SAM: So that is why you chose me.
JOHN: Let's say that it didn't hurt your chances. But you'd married in the meantime, and I respect the institution of marriage.
SAM: You do, do you?
JOHN: Of course. Ask any of my ex-wives. Or their accountants.
SAM: Ha ha.
JOHN: Look, I would never pursue a happily married woman. But you don't seem too happy lately.
SAM: I was till you came into my life!
JOHN: Hey, it's not my fault if your marriage can't handle a few challenges.
SAM: A few challenges?
JOHN: I swear to you, Hollywood was just going to be business. But it doesn't have to stay that way.
SAM: Listen, Mr. Petrie, find your arm some other candy, because I quit!
JOHN: Sam, we could've made—
SAM: If you say "beautiful music together," I will punch you.
JOHN: I was actually going to say "unforgettable memories."
SAM: You know, I think I'll punch you anyway.
JOHN: Sam, don't make me call Security.
SAM: It's OK, I can see myself out.
Scene XI: The kitchen set, back to the present
MONA: And that brings us up to today.
ERNIE: But what happened to Sam and Hank? Did she apologize? I'm guessin' he didn't forgive her.
MONA: Sam sent Bonnie with a message to Hank, saying they should talk, but so far he hasn't responded. And Sam has that Micelli pride, so she doesn't want to go grovel, especially since she feels that she's not really at fault.
ERNIE: You know what the real problem is here?
MONA: Everyone who lives on this street except me is an idiot?
ERNIE: Well, you're not wrong. But I was thinkin', the trouble really started back in October.
MONA: October?
ERNIE: Yeah, that's when Hank and Sam moved out of your apartment and into the Harpers'.
MONA: Ernie, if you're suggesting I move out of my place and into Sam's old room again, forget it. I never wanted to move in there to begin with.
ERNIE: Nah, you can't move into Sam's old room because it's a nursery now.
MONA: Then Jonathan's old room? Or Tony's? (She frowns.)
ERNIE: Maybe, but let me ask you somethin'. Where are you and your fiancé gonna live once you get married?
MONA: Well, we hadn't really decided. OF course I could move in with him. But—well, this is something I've only told Angela, and only once, when I thought I might die. I want to live near my little girl. We need each other. That doesn't mean I want to live under the same roof, particularly not on the same floor, with her. But she's going to be giving me grandbabies soon and I want to be close by, to make sure she's OK, and to spoil the kids rotten.
ERNIE: Hey, Mona, I'm gettin' misty here!
MONA: Sorry. I also want to be around to laugh when she makes a mess of things trying to be a middle-aged mother of twins.
ERNIE: That's more like it. So what if Sam and Hank, once they make up of course, move into your apartment, and you and the fiancé move next door to the Harpers'?
MONA: I don't want to live with Al! I wouldn't mind Bonnie. She's a great maid!
ERNIE: No, Mona, I meant you and—Richard, is it?
MONA: Yes.
ERNIE: You and Richard rent the whole house and those four kids move over here.
MONA: Over here?
ERNIE: Yeah. You got a piece of paper?
MONA: (she hands him a napkin) Here. (He puts it on his clipboard and takes out a pen.)
ERNIE: OK, there are let's see, how many bedrooms over here? Counting your apartment.
MONA: Um, four upstairs, plus Billy's old room. And my place makes six.
ERNIE: Perfect! (writing on the napkin) You've got two couples—not counting you and Richard because you'll be at the Harpers—two single people, and three kids, although the twins will share of course. That makes six bedrooms, counting the nursery. And then Jonathan will be away at college in a few months, and Al and Bonnie aren't gonna live here forever, right?
MONA: Uh, right.
ERNIE: See, this way, Sam and Hank will have a little more privacy, and that'll be good for their marriage, but at the same time they'll be closer to her dad and stepmom, which'll be good, because they're not ready to be too independent.
MONA: Considering that they were only next door, I don't think the problem is—
ERNIE: Of course, Tony and Angela won't have much privacy, with Bonnie and Al living on the same floor. And then I know Al isn't gonna wanna live so close to babies. (crossing things out and then drawing arrows) What you really need to do is move Tony and Angela over to your apartment.
MONA: But—
ERNIE: Now I know what you're gonna say. What about the nursery? After all, they went to the time and expense of remodeling and decorating it. Well, this is just a temporary fix. In the Fall, Jonathan goes to college. We move Tony and Angela back into her old bedroom. The twins go in the nursery. Al moves into Jonathan's downstairs room. Sam and Hank go over to your place.
MONA: What about Bonnie?
ERNIE: Well, maybe she can move back with her folks. Or we could marry her off to Al.
MONA: I don't think so.
ERNIE: I got it! She's your live-in maid.
MONA: I already suggested that.
ERNIE: Oh. Or here's an idea— (Hank enters from the outside.)
HANK: Um, hi, Mona, is Sam home?
MONA: In the living room, watching a Molly Ringwald marathon.
HANK: Cool! (He exits through the swinging door.)
MONA: Made for each other, I'm telling you.
ERNIE: So you want me to suggest the new living arrangements to your family?
MONA: Um, not to hurt your feelings, Ernie, but I don't think napkin blueprints would be very convincing.
ERNIE: Oh, if that's the problem, give me a couple hours. (He hoists the water bottle into the dispenser and waves goodbye. Mona waits till he exits before she goes to eavesdrop at the swinging door. Cut to commercial.)
Scene XII: The living room, a couple hours later
(The room is in darkness except for the light of a slide projector, manned by Ernie. Mona and Richard are in the chair on the left of the screen, Sam and Hank in the chair on the right, Jonathan on the floor and Bonnie, Angela, Tony, and Al are sitting on the couch, in that order.)
ERNIE: …And this is Option D. (They all oo and ah, like it's fireworks.)
ANGELA: Ernie, I've been in advertising for twenty years, and this is the most beautiful slide presentation I've ever seen!
TONY: Yeah, you're being wasted in water.
ERNIE: Water is my life!
TONY: Ay, no offense.
SAM: I can't believe we're letting a water man plan our living arrangements. No offense, Ernie.
ERNIE: None taken. Anyway, I'll leave you hard copies of the plans and you can mull them over.
JONATHAN: I have a question.
ERNIE: Shoot.
JONATHAN: Isn't this a violation of Sam's and everyone's lease with the Harpers? (Pause as they all let this sink in.)
ERNIE: OK, now in this slide, the Harpers are represented by a blue cylinder…. (Roll closing credits.)