Chapter Five

Bella watched Edward's chest rise and fall with each and every breath he took. As creepy as it would be in any other situation between two people of physically the same age, she understood the fascination in watching him sleep. She wondered what he dreamed about. She knew she would dream of him if she could; there was obviously no other way to do it. Selfishly, she hoped he dreamed of her, but not in the form of a nightmare. She wanted to be something light. Something beautiful and worth dreaming about.

One week after her talk with Renesmee, Bella was left home alone with a sleeping man. Renesmee and Jacob were in the main house with everybody else, so Bella decided she might as well be there, too. She quietly slipped out of the cottage.

Upon arriving at the main house, Bella found everybody in their respective places doing their designated activities in the living room and kitchen, though Renesmee was dozing off in Jacob's arms on the love seat.

Bella's gaze fell on the very human and very tired Rosalie and Emmett, who sat beside each other at the dining room table behind a bright laptop screen, very focused. Their blue eyes were bloodshot.

"How are you guys doing?" Bella asked.

Rosalie turned to look at Bella. "I'm running on four cups of coffee and unadulterated rage."

"Ooh," Bella said in mock horror. "Don't try to smash my face in or anything."

"Very funny." Rosalie's voice was bleak.

Bella glanced at the laptop screen. "What have you guys been doing that's deprived you of sleep?" she asked. "It's almost two A.M."

"We're looking for houses," Emmett replied. He removed his black-rimmed glasses only to briefly rub his eyes and put them back on. "There are just so many to choose from," he remarked, yawning.

"You guys should get some sleep," Bella suggested. "The houses aren't going anywhere within the next eight hours."

"We're in a bit of a rush to move out, Bella," Rosalie said icily.

Bella blinked. "Oh. Okay." She got out of her chair. "Carry on, then."

"Thanks," Rosalie said.

Even when she wasn't physically cold, she remained an ice queen. Fucking incredible.

"Are you ever going to tell me where you're going?" Bella asked the next morning, staring at Edward as he tied the laces of his black sneakers.

Edward straightened up, and with his eyes looking as green as ever, he looked down at her. He smiled and put his hands on her cheeks. "Just hanging out with Emmett," he said.

She pursed her lips. "Promise?"

"I promise." Then he brought his soft lips down to her cool forehead. She gave him a microscopic smile in return.

"Are you ever going to kiss me on the mouth?" she asked him.

"You sure do ask a lot of questions," he said.

"It's a good thing I'm looking for a lot of answers then," she replied in the same tone. "So, are you?"

He thought about it, cocked his head, and gave her a quick, chaste peck on the lips, so brief that she could hardly make her move.

Then she laughed, shaking her head. "You're so damn funny," she told him. "C'mon, you can kiss me for real, Edward. I won't bite."

He bit his lip, entirely serious. "No," he said firmly.

She sighed and put her hands on her hips. It was her classic stance. "God, Edward, you're making me feel like I'm in high school again," she told him. "You make me feel like I have something to be ashamed of."

"You know I don't want you to feel that way," he replied with a furrowed brow.

"Then don't make me. I mean..." She snaked her right hand to his hair, and her left to his back, causing him to stiffen, which she desperately tried to ignore. "I love you, Edward. And I want you. You know how much I still want you. You know that, right?"

He nodded. "I do, Bella. And I want you, too."

"Prove it."

"Emmett's waiting for me," he said bluntly, trying to pry her hands away from his body. She let him go. Excuses. He was made of them.

"I've been waiting longer," she said.

"I have to go."

"You could stay."

"I'd prefer not to."

"Is it that you don't want me or that you feel unsafe with me?"

"Neither, really, but the latter more than the former."

"Promise?"

He brought the back of her left hand up to his mouth and planted a kiss on it, as backwards as ever. "I promise."

He let her hand go, turned to the door of the cottage, and left. And it was then that she felt utterly, utterly helpless. There was one hope left, though, and she knew it.

Rosalie took a bite into her bagel "You're asking me about sex?" she asked between chews, totally bewildered.

Bella sat across from her, counting the crumbs on the blonde's plate. "Yeah," she replied solemnly. She didn't want to feel embarrassed; she and Rosalie were close, after all. They were supposed to talk about these sorts of things, even under their current conditions.

"Jesus, you don't have to be so embarrassed," Rosalie remarked.

"I am not embarrassed," Bella said sharply.

"Sorry, sorry. So. Sex with Edward?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "With who else, Rose?"

Rosalie's eyes widened. "Okay, shit. Well, what do you want to know?"

"How can I make it happen?"

"Bella, what do you mean?"

"He doesn't even touch me without thinking I'm gonna murder him."

Rosalie wiped mustard away from the corner of her mouth as it hung agape. "Oh, God," she said.

"I know."

"He's not scared of you, is he?"

Bella shook her head sadly. "I don't want to think so, but he might be."

"You just have to be comfortable with him. He could get used to it."

"You really think so?"

"No," Rose said honestly, "but you guys are a couple of special snowflakes, anyway. Anything could happen."

"Okay, but when it comes down to the actual act," Bella said, "what do I do?"

"Well, not cowgirl unless you're trying to kill him."

"We've never even done that," Bella admitted.

"You could try—" Rosalie stopped herself. "Wait, you haven't even tried cowgirl?"

"Not that I can remember," Bella said.

"Have you guys ever done anything besides missionary?"

"We tried sixty-nine once, but that didn't really work out."

Rosalie put her hands over her mouth. "Oh. My. God."

"Rose!" Bella cried. "Could you please, please try to help me out here?"

"I am," the blonde said. "I really am trying."

"This is literally the only time I'm asking for your help, Rosalie." Bella mentally backtracked and remembered when she had initially gotten pregnant. "This is the first time in a long time," she corrected herself. "And I'm serious."

Bella definitely was serious; Rosalie could see it in her eyes. The desperation was painfully real, and it made Rosalie feel bad for Bella. She had to be struggling; why else would she come to Rosalie?

"I'm not sure what I can do to help you," Rose admitted, "and I'm sorry about that, but I think you should speak with Tanya. She and her sisters are the originally succubi. You know that, right?"

Bella nodded. "Yeah," she said slowly, cautiously, "but I'm not trying to kill Edward."

"Talk to Tanya," Rose said. "She'll help you more than I can, I'm sure of it."

"It's your ass if she doesn't," Bella warned her.

Rosalie smiled wickedly. "Try me," she replied.

Bella finger-combed her hair as she waited for Tanya to answer the phone, gazing at a portrait of she-didn't-know-what hanging in the cottage kitchen. This was the third time Bella was calling, all because she couldn't stand to be ignored, but she couldn't stand to be without sex even more. It was almost as bad as going without food. Edward's just gonna fucking kill me, she thought.

With time, Bella had considered plenty of different complications with Edward—like how he would get tired and hungry and could get injured and all of that—but for some reason, the idea of not having sex with him had just never hit her. She'd just thought he'd been waiting until he settled into his humanness, but that wasn't the case, apparently. And it drove her crazy. If he really wanted her as much as he'd said he did, then it must have driven him just as crazy. She'd feel bad if it didn't, and feeling bad was such an incredible burden for her to carry.

"Pick up, pick up, pick up..." Bella murmured, and, like magic, Kate answered the phone.

"Bella?" she answered.

"Hey, Kate," Bella greeted her. "Would you put Tanya on the line?" She was careful not to say your sister. Even dead for over a century, Irina was still Kate and Tanya's sister. To ignore her would be, to them, a gesture ruder than flipping them off.

"Is somebody in trouble?" Kate asked. "I mean, if not, a how are you? would have indicated the casualness."

"Sorry," Bella apologized weakly. "I just got so focused. Nobody's in trouble, though. I would just like to speak with Tanya."

"I'll put her on," Kate said. "Hold on for a second."

"Thanks."

Tanya was on the line within moments. "Hello, Bella," she said.

Bella sat up even straighter in her chair, the straightest she could possibly sit. "Hi, Tanya."

Tanya's voice was similar to a kitten's purr, in that it was warm and soft. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes," Bella replied. "Everyone's fine and healthy and..." She sighed. "I just needed your help with something."

"What is it?"

Tanya wasn't Rosalie; Tanya could only handle Bella's awkward bullshit for so long. Bella started to babble. "I'm just going to be blunt about this and because—"

"Then be blunt, Bella. Please, just tell me what you need help with."

"I need to have sex with a human without killing him."

Tanya was silent. So was Bella.

"Oh," Tanya said, her voice at its normal, high tone, like she was presented with these kinds of pleads from hopeless, sex-hungry vampires everyday.

"Oh?" Bella asked.

"I thought you were going to ask me for help with something impossible," Tanya claimed, and then they both laughed. The tension between them thawed out a bit.

"So you're trying to have sex with Edward, I presume?" Tanya asked.

"You don't have to his name," Bella said. "But yes."

"Everyone can hear you, anyway," Tanya reminded her. "You don't have to be so embarrassed."

I'm hardly even embarrassed, Bella wanted to say, but she held her tongue and focused on her goal instead. "Okay," she said. "So, what do I do?" She omitted the emotional aspects, the aspects of Edward being too afraid to touch her, because nobody could fix those parts but Bella. Only she had the tools.

"I don't want you testing this out," Tanya said, "because, quite frankly, Edward means a lot to all of us, and if he was killed in an accident like this, we'd all be devastated."

"Yes, of course," Bella agreed.

"So I'll try it first," Tanya decided. "I haven't been with a human man for a while, but sometimes they live, though I never anticipate on them living."

"Right."

"If you'll give me, say, an hour and a half," Tanya continued, "then that will give me the time to be with a human man for a little while. I'll get back to you once I'm finished, okay?"

"Okay." Bella felt a weight being lifted from her chest. "Thank you so much, Tanya."

"Anything, Bella," she said. "We all have needs."

Bella successfully laughed awkwardly, one of her many skills. "Thanks," she said again.

"You're welcome. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye." Bella hung up and set her cell phone down on her lap. She pressed her lips together and waited. There was nothing to possibly do but wait. With all that waiting, Bella surely realized that she loved Tanya. She could do anything. She made things happen. She got shit done.

Out of all the things the iPhone 67 could do, it couldn't make time fast forward, which was all that Bella wanted. She could see Tanya now, getting ready to seduce a blissfully oblivious man, only he would live. He would live, and Edward would live. That was all that mattered.

Tanya wouldn't even have to try to seduce the man, when Bella actually thought about it. All she had to do was say hello, bat her eyelashes, and bam. Old school femininity, as boring as it could be, was still in. Technology and fashion had evolved over time, as well as art and pop culture, but straight men hadn't; they were still the same, willing to ejaculate into anything that had the right parts and moved. Bella had never felt more thankful for the common straight male stupidity.

An hour and a half passed, and Bella ended up waiting for two by the time her phone lit up and vibrated on her lap. She answered it instantly. "How'd it go?" she asked urgently.

"It went well," she said. "For accuracy, I chose a man of about the same body type, weight, and age of Edward. He lived, but—"

Unable to contain herself, Bella exploded with a giant, "Yes!"

"But," Tanya continued, "you have to be careful. Extremely careful. I need you to have self-control, or at least as much as possible for you. Do not make any sudden or jerky movements. Go slow, and if you must build speed, then don't go too fast. Let him go as fast as he wants, since he can't hurt you, but you have to be as careful as possible. And please, Bella, for the love of all that is holy, do not graze your teeth along any part of him, anywhere. Ever. And that's about everything."

"Wow," Bella said with a sigh. "That's it?"

"Yes."

"Tanya, you are incredible."

Tanya laughed a high one that resembled the sound of a bell. "It's one of my best qualities," she said, "now go."

"All right," Bella said with a smile. "Thank you again."

"You're very welcome."

Bella hung up, and stood on her feet. She didn't end up going anywhere; she only paced around the living room, thinking, thinking, thinking. She knew the mechanisms (to basically be some kind of toy), but the actual seduction part would take some time, as well as the most important part: the security. Edward wasn't secure with her; she saw it in his eyes every time she touched him. The slight fear was easy to read, and the intensifying of his pulse gave her away.

She felt like a clumsy little teenager again, only she knew all about the seduction. She knew how to get his blood boiling with desire and all of that sexy stuff; that was the easy part. But then there were emotions—she didn't know the slightest thing about those anymore. Perhaps Edward was just sensitive, because real people weren't very emotional in general. Bella had grown out of her emotional sensitivity with time, and Edward had had more time to grow out of his. Maybe some things just didn't change.

Edward didn't come home until the late afternoon, and he found Bella on the couch. Her nose was in a book, but her mind was someplace else. "Hey, love," he greeted her, looking heavenly in a gray button-down, dark-wash jeans, black sneakers, and a slight July tan.

Getting comfortable, he slipped off his shoes and sat on the couch. She set her book down on the coffee table and made some more room for him, and he quickly occupied it. It wasn't that he was particularly afraid to be alone with her; he was just very cautious. She had always been more temperamental than him when she wasn't solidly even. And Edward was willing to be comfortable with Bella. Security wasn't far away from what he was doing now.

Because passive-aggression wasn't sexy to him and she had her mind set on a specific goal, she smiled at him and asked, "How was your day?"

"I had a good one," he replied, relaxing into the couch, focusing on comfort. "Emmett and I went racing."

"With the land rockets?" Bella asked.

"Yeah."

"Were they fast?"

His voice became lower. "They were so fast."

Land rockets could go up to nine hundred miles per hour, and both Bella and Edward knew that his heart was beating at least three times as fast. His heart pounded, and she could feel it radiating from him.

"I love you," she suddenly told him, looking into his eyes and nowhere else. "And I don't want to frighten you," she continued. "Ever."

"You don't frighten me," he told her.

"I don't?"

He licked his lips and stared at hers. "No. Not at all."

"Okay, good," she whispered. "Let me try something."

Then she closed her eyes, and for the first time since he'd changed, she put her hand on the back of his neck and he didn't flinch. He sighed instead, and closed his own eyes.

Careful not to move very quickly, she brought her lips up to the corner of his mouth, gave a peck, and then moved to the other corner. It drove him wild on the inside. And then she moved her lips to his, moving slowly.

He kissed her back, and when she opened her mouth, he stiffened up and close his completely.

"Trust me," she whispered, her hand slightly playing with his hair. "Just trust me, okay?"

"Bella, I..."

"Try," she said. "For me. I tried for you."

It was true. He remained still until he eventually agreed. "Okay."

She continued kissing him, parting her mouth and legs. He helped her hoist her legs up onto the couch. Moving her other hand to his back, she laid on her own back, sinking deeper into the couch.

On his hands and knees, he broke away from her mouth and brought his lips down to her throat. She released a groan and separated her legs even more for him to move lower.

At first he merely kissed her throat, but then he moved to the other side of it—the left side—and started sucking, swirling his tongue in circles against her skin.

"You can undress me if you want," she told him. "You know I don't mind."

He chuckled into her skin before tugging off his own shirt and throwing it onto the living room floor. "I know," he said.

My fucking God, she thought as she caught a look at him.

Then he moved his hands down to his belt buckle, undid it, pulled his jeans down, and stepped out of them. In his dark blue boxer briefs, completely present, he was beautiful. Despite being human, he was still beautiful, and it made Bella want to cry.

And then he was on his knees again, but his hands were on the button of Bella's jeans. He brought one hand to the bottom of her shirt and pushed it up, exposing the skin beneath her bellybutton. The pit of her stomach was stirring already, but when he kissed her on her lower stomach, her head began to stir as well.

One hand on the button of her jeans, he was quiet—and focusing on his breathing—when he finally unbuttoned her jeans and tugged them down as fast as he could, along with her panties. They didn't make it past her knees.

Bella bit her lip and waited. He took her wrists together with one of his hands in one move while bringing them over her head and kissing her on the mouth in another. The skin-to-cloth contact on both their upper and lower halves drove her mad. There were just a few layers to go, but so many at the same time. With a free hand, he tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and then brought his lips to her ear.

"Be still," he whispered. "Keep your arms up and back. Don't move your legs." She opened them further on command. He laughed airily, and she laughed with him.

He backed away and brought his body further down hers, one of his legs off the couch. With his hands on her knees, he started kissing her at her inner left thigh, making identical patterns to the ones on her throat.

"Have you ever thought of tying me up?" she jokingly asked, staring down at his head of bronze hair.

"No," he said easily, between kisses that moved higher. "I'm very traditional, find bondage very risky, and I also know that you'd just break the bonds, anyway."

"Total waste of money," she said. "Gotta stay resourceful."

"Always," he agreed. And he moved his mouth to where she'd wanted it all along.

At the initial entrance, she gasped suddenly at the warmth and moved her arms down to his head, gently pushing it forward. He removed his mouth for a split second and looked up at her. "Arms back."

With her arms back, Bella quickly got used to the contrast between hot and cold, or scorching and freezing. Once she did, she began to slightly rock her hips, but not enough for him to worry. He moved his mouth there like how he would on her face, if not more. Against her, he was burning up.

He slowly but surely took her to the edge with every subtle movement. At one point, she swore he was mouthing words in French. He had to be. Whimpering and slightly arching her back, she reclaimed the nerve to speak again. "Is it," she began, between heavy breaths, "okay if I—?"

Edward nodded and continued, bringing his hands away from her knees and onto her bare hips, rocking them with more force.

Bella, with her mouth slightly hung open and her eyes shut tight, released a sharp moan and clenched her legs into Edward's torso. He shuddered harshly.

"Oh, shit," she said, her voice quivering, and quickly widened her legs again so they were no longer touching him. "Oh, God," she cried. "Oh God, oh God, oh God." She sat up, backing up on the couch. He sat up, too, and backed away enough for her to close her legs.

"Oh, God," she repeated. "Are you okay?"

He looked perfectly fine, but internal bleeding didn't show in one's face. "I'm fine," he said quietly.

"Oh my God, do I have to take you to Carlisle?" she asked, refusing to calm down.

"No," he said, louder. "I'm fine."

"We should—"

"Bella, I'm fine." He had always hated it when she had assured him that she was "fine," but there was no other way to put it.

She pulled her panties and jeans up. This was a horrible idea, she told herself. This was all just a big mistake.

"Are you embarrassed, Bella?" he asked with pure confusion upon his face.

"Everybody's been assuming I'm embarrassed," she replied.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Bella, are you embarrassed?" he asked again. "Please be honest with me."

She pulled her legs up to her chest and looked past him, staring at a spot on the wall behind him. "If you're asking me if all of this is causing me shame," she said, "then yes. I feel very shameful."

"Why?" he asked. "Have you always felt this way?"

She bit her lip and shook her head, still not looking directly at him. "Not since you..."

"Since I changed?"

She nodded and closed her eyes.

"And why do you feel this way?"

She said nothing.

"Tell me, Bella. Look at me."

She refused.

"Look at me," he said, his tone serious.

She opened her eyes and stared at him.

"Tell me why," he demanded. "Tell me why you feel this way."

"It's because it feels like a game," she admitted. "Like loving you—and you loving me, too—is a giant waiting game, where we're waiting for one of us to get hurt. We keep testing each other until I have hurt feelings or you're internally bleeding or dead on the floor. It's not working, Edward. I don't want to play anymore."

He inhaled deeply. "This isn't a game, Bella," he told her. "We're not playing any sort of twisted game where we're waiting on each other to reach limits."

"Well, how do I know, then?" Bella asked, her voice loud and piercing. "All this stupid, stupid shit where we try things out for the hell of it isn't working. It's not fucking working. What if it gets worse? Then what? Are you still going to give me cute little kisses on the cheek, telling me it's oka—?"

He interrupted her by planting a kiss on her lips. It was a real kiss this time.

She waited for him to be finished, remaining absolutely still, and then she sighed. "You can't just kiss me and expect things to be okay again," she said.

"Who said things were ever not okay?" he countered.

She pouted her lips. "You're delusional."

He raised his eyebrows. "You're overreacting."

She shook her head. "You're hurt. Don't try and tell me you didn't totally palpitate when—"

He kissed her forehead. "I'm okay."

She tightened her arms against her legs. "You're repetitive and slightly annoying, that's what you are."

"Now I'm hurt," he said.

She rolled her eyes. "Edward, you're too much."

He got off the couch and started to put his clothes back on. It was almost as sexy as watching him take them off—almost. Then he laid down on the floor. "Oh, really, now?"

"Way too much," she confirmed.

Laying on his back, he put his hands behind his head. Quiet and staring up at the ceiling, he relaxed. He wished he had Jasper's power in that way; he would get Bella to relax with him.

Edward could fall asleep right her, right now, just to end the perfect moment. He wished Bella could join him—he wished she could so much that it hurt a little, made him throb, or perhaps those were just the pending bruises on his sides. (He really was slightly injured—just a little sore, but nothing to be worried about.)

Maybe that was their problem, though, and had always been their problem even as it was more challenging now: they couldn't bring themselves to respect each other's decisions. They could compromise—though not now, under their circumstances—and complaining would still ensue until they both had their fill, except, for some wild reason, he was more even. But the only acceptable compromise for Bella that Edward would think of now would be if he changed back tonight, and he didn't want that. He still had things he wanted; he was still allowed to. And it hurt him somewhere deep down, too, but he didn't want to focus on it. He was brand-new. Everything was brand-new. He had just never felt so completely guilty of causing Bella jealousy or resentment or the impending feelings if they weren't already there.

So he wouldn't fall asleep. Knowing Bella, she'd ooze with white-hot jealousy, or sad, sad, depressing, black sorrow.

"Can I ask you something?" she suddenly said. She stared down at Edward from the couch.

"Anything."

"Was it...?" The hesitation hung in the air. "Was it the same for you as it was for me?"

"What we did today?"

"Yeah."

"Are you asking me, Bella, if I've ever faked it when you were human?"

"Precisely."

"No," he answered.

"Not even once?"

"Never. It was real, Bella. It was all real. It's still real."

And he laid there, just like that. Real.

A/N: I'm really trying hard to update this story on Tuesdays or the weekends. Those are my days off, and it kills me when I don't have time to update during the rest of the week. So you can expect weekly updates from me. Anyway, thank you for reading this chapter! It took me a while to get my thoughts together in order to write it; I just had so many new ones coming in. The next chapter will actually feature Jacob and Renesmee, according to my notes, but anything could happen.

Thank you so much for all the hits, follows, favorites, and reviews. I can't wait to share more.

Much love,

HalcyonSeasons