Chapter Fifteen
Present: December 2129
Renesmee had been in Denali for thirteen years, and everybody accepted it. They even openly talked about the fact like they weren't ashamed of it. That was where Renesmee and Bella were different: Bella had been banished and ignored unlawfully, where there was enough blame to be passed around; Renesmee had ran off, but everybody was okay with it because nobody could take the blame, and those who did - like Bella - were silent. Renesmee's situation was just so much easier on the conscience.
The Cullens arrived in Denali late on Christmas Day, sans Bella and Jacob. Renesmee wasn't surprised; those two hadn't visited the last twelve Christmases, either. Bella had never been invited, and Jacob had never felt like going. Renesmee didn't know the Cullens would be coming to Denali today, though; she had heard from Kate that they were staying home this year. Something must have happened.
Renesmee and her father exchanged their annual hug, but he held on a little tighter this time. He was so stressed out; she could feel it. He had a right to be stressed out, though. Renesmee was still angry with him and how he had been treating her mother. How could he come to Denali once a year for the holiday festivities while leaving her in his dust? It was like she had never existed to him, when Renesmee thought about it.
"How are you?" she asked him.
He had tired eyes, and he looked exhausted. Good, Renesmee thought.
I'm okay, sweetheart," he said. "Merry Christmas." He then kissed her forehead.
"You, too," she replied. "How's Mom?"
Instead of okay or the usual, Edward sighed, and shut his eyes while doing so. All he could think about today was Bella, in the remains of a broken glass table, accusing him of being fake. Accusing him of not being enough, not knowing her at all. He tried not to think about their issues, but today they came crashing down on him, and he felt guilty. He really did. The guilt had followed him all the way to Denali.
"She's really upset," he said. Upset didn't cover half of it. "Not feeling very well."
"The usual?" Renesmee asked.
Edward couldn't lie this time. He didn't have the energy. "Worse, I think."
"So why are you here, Dad?" she asked. "Not to sound rude or anything, but why are you putting up such a front by being here? Are you avoiding her because you think she's gonna hurt you or something? Last time was an accident and you know it. We all know it."
"Right now's not the time for this conversation," he said, curving the real questions like he usually did. "We can talk about this later, can't we?"
She shook her head quickly. "No," she replied, "we can't."
"You're being a problem right now," he said. (He had called Bella a problem, too.) He was always telling people what to do, and saying what he thought they were. Just when he had shrunk Bella to nothing more than a shadow, he was trying to shrink his daughter, too. He was so good at making sure the women he was closest to didn't take up space. He was also good at letting his pride bring out the worst in him. He'd been growing older for thirteen years and still couldn't see that, or at least see it and make a change for the better.
"Then so be it," Renesmee said, "but you can't leave my mother behind like that. You're hurting her way more than she could ever hurt you."
He didn't know whether his pride would let him believe that or not.
Renesmee wasn't feeling festive. Being around the same people talking about the same things was vapid and vacuous. It was far past expired. Christmas night, Renesmee wanted to be out somewhere. She wanted to be out with her old crew. She even wanted to be out with Jacob. She just wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere she belonged. She belonged with Travis and Jacob at the same time. And if she could leave in the middle of the party without a reason or anybody getting angry, she would. She knew the exact area where Travis would be, if he was still around. He was that kind of endless, indestructible nomad that she was into - he had to be out there.
Jacob was out there, too. He would always be out there - endless, indestructible, nomadic. Just when she was into. It was a shame how she realized how much she loved him in the time that she had spent away from him. Now she wished Alice would pull a classic Alice move and have him surprise her for the holiday. She wanted to Alice to be inappropriate and meddling just so Renesmee could see Jacob, because Renesmee wasn't that timid and weak anymore. Sometime in Denali, she had found the courage to face Jacob again.
She usually called him on Christmas out of a form of courtesy, but he had never answered in the past. She called him now, when she especially missed him. He didn't answer, but she stayed on the phone for longer, not waiting for anything. She thought about how it must have felt to be him, to be swinging on an emotional pendulum, running away from her and chasing her. He had to be upset about her leaving, but he had to be upset about her staying and being just as upset as he was. He would never win. Neither of them would.
How does it feel to have me thinking about you? she thought. How does it feel to be even lonelier just trying to be mine, when I'm out here looking for so much more? How does it feel to have me consume you, while I'm out here consuming so much.
As long as she stayed in Denali, she would never know, and their shared afflictions would end up consuming the both of them before they even had a chance to resolve them. If she was just a little brighter and braver, she would use her compassion in the right ways. She couldn't afford to be wrong anymore.
A/N: As of now, we're in another Jacob x Renesmee arc, but I'm sure you guys miss the endless drama that is Bella x Edward (lol). I'm sorry this chapter was so short, though. It's really meant for transition purposes. I'll try to update soon again. I'm so excited to unveil the rest of this story. It's probably my second favorite project so far (Gods and Monsters is still my personal favorite).
Thanks as usual,
HS