Chapter Nineteen

After a blissful Parisian honeymoon that lasted two weeks, Jacob and Renesmee retreated back to their perfect little beach house in Ocean Shores to get the most out of the rest of the summer. They didn't like to spend much time away from the beach. In the latter half of summer, things were just too perfect.

A week after returning home, Renesmee sauntered along the beach, wearing a bikini top with a tank top over it, denim shorts, and wayfarer sunglasses. Jacob watched her from a few yards away, recording her with a video camera.

"How does it feel?" he asked her.

She stretched her arms out and gestured to the ocean and bright August sun behind her. Then she started dancing with a huge grin on her face. She swayed her hips as she spun around like a ball of beautiful, pure energy. "Feels wonderful," she called to him. As she danced, she looked so much like Bella, except with a much better sense of rhythm.

"You look like heaven," he told her matter-of-factly.

She placed her sunglasses on top of her head and stared at him with a cute grin on her face. "What are you recording me for?" she asked. "You've got me right here."

"If I blink, I'll miss something," he said. "I don't wanna miss a thing."

She held her hand out to him. "Dance with me?"

There was no way he could deny her. Even though he felt weaker these days for whatever reason, her pull on him was still there. Instinctively, he set the camera down and went to Renesmee. As they twirled in the soft sand, they could stay there forever. She whispered soft, innocent nothings in his ear as she held him tight. Neither of them wanted to be anywhere else.

They remembered their responsibilities eventually. Tonight, they would be having all their family over for dinner - even Rosalie and Emmett. Renesmee and Jacob wanted to put on a good impression, and show that they were living the married couple life just the right way.

"I've gotta go to the store," Renesmee murmured to Jacob, still embracing him, "and you've gotta clean the house."

"Sure, sure." It had been some time since he said that.

Renesmee kissed him on the corner of his mouth. "God, I just could stay here forever." The other corner. "And ever." Briefly on the lips. "And ever."

"I love you," he told her.

"I love you, too," she told him. "Forever."

While Renesmee was at the nearest grocery store about an hour away, in Montesano, Jacob deep-cleaned their already-clean home. They had barely broken it in yet; there was hardly anything to do. So Jacob found himself dusting everything in sight, scrubbing all the floors, and even put his and Renesmee's bedroom in order, even though nobody would go to it. Their house wasn't big enough for hosting a gathering of ten people; it was just big enough for the both of them. But alas, the party would be happening, anyway. All Jacob could do was kill time until it was over.

As Jacob washed the dishes, he thought of Renesmee (typically). He loved her - he loved her a lot - but it didn't feel like an imprint anymore. He didn't lose his mind without her around, which was why he was cleaning the house instead of at her side, at the grocery store. He hadn't even lost his mind when they'd had space, back in January. He hadn't loved the three other girls as much as he ever loved her, but he hadn't gone crazy; he just couldn't handle not being around her forever, because he truly had planned on leaving her forever. The space he had told her about had meant to be permanent. He'd lied. He'd lied again after being honest for so long, but he'd broken the promise he had made to himself in order to keep the one he had made to her since birth. That meant something to him.

He felt like he was still tied to her, but he didn't. He still saw her as light - pure, gorgeous, amazing light - but he didn't mind being away from her. That counted for something, too.

And he loved her above anything else, but he still had dark, nagging, harmful thoughts that had bothered him from the second he and his wife (I can't believe I'm actually married) came home from Paris. Every time he looked into her beautiful brown eyes these days, he knew that his time was running out, and that he had to go while she was still so crazy, stupid happy. If she was unhappy for a second, it would be his last memory of her, and it wouldn't be perfect. He needed to go while they were both happy and in love.

He didn't have any specific suicide plans, mostly because with Renesmee around, he didn't have the time to make them official. But when she wasn't around, the thoughts grew louder and the urges became more and more reasonable.

You've been around forever, he told himself. You've outlived everybody you've ever known. It's time for you to go. You're married to the girl of your dreams. You've seen it all and done it all. You have nothing left to do here.

He didn't want to hurt Renesmee - he just couldn't hurt her again - but he knew he would have to.

Jacob wasn't paying much attention as he washed the dishes, but when his left hand slipped and the butcher knife he was washing cut into it, it hurt like hell. He bit his lip and balled his left hand into a fist. It would be healed in no time. So he waited. For ten minutes. The wound didn't heal like it used to, at rapid speed. He tried to remember the last time he'd healed normally; he hadn't phased yet then, and it was too long ago to even try to remember. Now it was like he was going in reverse. He was back at that pre-phasing stage - he was more vulnerable.

He could see everything coming to an end very soon. The only question left regarding the end vexed him: How soon?

Hours later, Jacob had wrapped up his hand and the family had arrived for the spontaneous dinner party. Rosalie and Emmett showed up first, looking like they were in their early thirties and claiming that Walter was at summer camp, while the rest of the Cullens followed. Carlisle and Esme looked so happy and proud, seeing as all of their children and company were happy. Jacob knew that Alice and Jasper still weren't very supportive of Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward's decision, but they lived with it. And even Edward and Bella were okay today. Jacob knew they were fond of being secretive, but Bella's disposition wasn't bitter today. They were okay.

Jacob found it all very rehearsed - he and Renesmee were alike in that way. He graciously accepted the expensive bottle of wine from Rosalie as a housewarming gift, graciously greeted all his guests, and graciously entertained with stories of the new house and the honeymoon. Being around the Cullens for this long, Jacob was a professional at being fake, but it was anything for Renesmee. He had known that from the start.

Once night had fallen and everybody was comfortable in the house, Jacob went outside to get some air. He sat in a chair on the deck outside, facing the beach. Renesmee was busy entertaining, and he wasn't interested in helping out. Alone, he took out the video camera and replayed the footage of Renesmee today. He played it over and over. He saw her dance under the sun maybe twelve times before he realized he wasn't alone on the deck.

He looked up. It was Bella. She leaned against the front door, her arms crossed. She looked down at the camera in his hands. "What do you have there?" she asked.

Jacob gestured to the screen, silent.

"If you two are making some sort of weird home movie," she replied, her face hard, "please don't start putting it together when I'm here. She's still my kid, you know."

"Oh, it's nothing like that," he said. "I swear."

She smiled. "I was kidding," she said, taking a seat next to him. "The king of comedy can't take a joke for once. Amazing." She continued to look down at the camera. "What's going on, Jake?"

He kept his eyes down. "Nothing, really."

"What are you looking at recordings of her for, then?" she wondered.

"What's wrong with keeping memories?"

"Nothing," Bella replied, "but she's not going anywhere. She's right there in the house."

Jacob sighed. "I don't know, Bella. I just...I'm just trying to have the most of her that I can. That's all."

In the dark, she could hardly see him. "Like I said, she's not going anywhere," she reiterated.

"I feel like I'm losing her."

Bella furrowed her brow. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine," Jacob said. "She's happy and healthy and...perfect."

"So what's the issue?"

"Bella, I'm aging."

She was silent, but she wasn't as angry as she was confused. She was plenty of both, though.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked him.

"I've done everything," he told her. "I've seen the world, done it all, outlived all my family and friends. My time is up."

"Jake, it doesn't have to be this way. She needs you."

He shook his head. "She really doesn't. She's had me for so long."

"Well, you're not a toy or anything. She hasn't been using you or anything. You're everything to her."

"Bella," he said. "I can't live like this anymore. I'm happy. I know I am. But I've gotta go."

"You make it sound like you don't have sixty more years to live," she said quietly. "You do have that much time, don't you?"

"I've thought of committing suicide since I got home from Paris," he admitted. "I know I'll follow through, but I don't know when."

"You don't love her at all," she said, "but she's crazy about you. It's almost like you never imprinted on her in the first place."

"I don't know how or why imprinting is the way it is," he told her, "but it's not meant to last forever. Nothing else makes sense except for that part. It's so clear to me now. But I also know that I do love her, Bella. Renesmee is… Renesmee is the most wonderful person in the entire world. But she's equipped for this world - she's always been ready to survive in a world that changes around her all the time because she knows how to deal with change. She knows that better than anyone else. Renesmee is brilliant. She has this kind of soul that can blend in anywhere, be anywhere, and she always knows what's best for her. She's got her head on right, but, Bella, I don't. I lost it head a long time ago, and I'm never gonna find it again. I'm hopeless but content enough to leave this world, and I'm going to. How much she loves me isn't going to change anything at this point."

Bella thought on it, and then nodded. "I understand," she said.

"I wasn't asking for permission," he told her.

"I know, but I understand. Do what's right, and only at the right time."

"I was planning on it."

"Okay, but promise me something, Jake."

"'Course."

"Promise me - no, promise her - that you'll give her anything and everything she could ever want, and before you go, follow through. Okay?"

"Okay," he replied. "I promise."

"Alright. Now let's go back to the party."

Jacob played nice for the rest of the evening, and the dinner party was a success. Rosalie and Emmett had returned to Bellevue early (as predicted), and when everybody else was leaving, Jacob and Renesmee graciously said goodbye, promising they'd visit sometime before Christmas.

Bella and Edward were the last to leave. Bella hugged Renesmee tighter than usual, and Renesmee had no idea why. She pointed that out after her parents left. She also pointed out her father kissing her mother on the cheek, saying that they hadn't had any physical contact in years, as far as she knew. Jacob just shrugged, but he knew exactly what they were doing. Bella and Edward would need to be as solid as possible for when Renesmee would fall.

A/N: You know I can't keep a story happy forever. It's not in my nature. Five chapters left. (I'm trying to get them all up before I go on a trip in the middle of April.) Any predictions as to what's going to happen next in the story? I'm interested.

Have a great rest of your week,

HS