"Spidermom never really took care of me so much as I took care of her. I had to feed both of us, had to take care of myself. And I always could. I never had to rely on anyone for anything; I always could do it myself. I never had to trust anyone, so I don't know how to." I looked down to the side, continuing.
"Besides, it's not like I was the most trust worthy troll. I set a bad example for myself," I sighed, thinking back to all the troll's I'd mind controlled and fed to Spidermom. I still wasn't sure how I felt about that. Back on Alternia, it had been normal. I had even been proud I could mind control so many trolls to the point that they wouldn't even be able to break free when their lives were in danger. But my time here, with the humans; it made me see things differently.
"So it scares you to let others take care of you, because you don't trust them?" Tavros asked. I considered that.
"Well, not really. I guess a little, but it's more like I got freaked out when I couldn't recover from the flu, because that hadn't ever happened before; a time when I couldn't take care of myself. I was scared I might be...losing my edge, or something. So I was really stubborn about it, wouldn't let anyone take care of me, insisted I wasn't sick. I knew I was, but I was...afraid to accept help; afraid I was going soft or something."
"That makes sense," Tavros said, "But the reason you couldn't fight it off is because it was a human flu; and we don't have antibodies against those."
"Yeah," I sighed, "But that didn't make me feel differently about it."
"I guess not," he said.
I gave a morse little tug on one of the tubes in my arm. "Ugh, this sucks. Not only do I feel like shit, but I've got all these people taking care of me, when I didn't even want one taking care of me before." I looked up just in time to see Tavros's face change from wounded to concealed. I groaned.
"I didn't mean it like that, Tav. You know I don't want anyone taking care of me; it's not just you."
"I understand why you feel like you do. But," Tavros said quietly, "accepting help from others doesn't make you weak."
"It just feels like they're mothering me. Like I can't take care of myself. And I always have," I said.
"You don't have to anymore, though." Tavros said softly. "You have us. Everyone at the house. Your friends."
I looked down. Of course I knew that; but I wasn't sure I wanted to let anyone help me with anything. Being completely self-sufficient made me feel strong, and though most of the time I was stronger for it, there were instances like this where I just...couldn't...do it by myself.
And it might be nice to have someone to lean on sometimes. Maybe I could learn to trust, too. Have a real friend for once; someone I could let my guard down around.
But it just felt so...wrong. So weird. So vulnerable. I couldn't help it; I couldn't just decide to trust someone, I felt suspicious of everyone. It felt like I was jumping into a pit without knowing if there was a net at the bottom or not. And I couldn't just easily let others help me with things; it felt like I was giving up control, gave me a feeling of being weak that I hated.
Both trusting and accepting help scared me a lot.
"You can trust us." Tavros continued gently. "You can trust me."
My mind journeyed back to when I'd been sick and Tavros had taken care of me. It had made me feel babied, for the most part; I'd needed help walking across a room, for gog's sake!
But Tavros hadn't helped me with anything I could do by myself. He'd even made it so I could eat by myself, instead of him having to feed me or some shit.
It had felt strange to have him brush through my hair. A bit scary, like he might pull it from my head at any time. A bit suffocating, like letting him do it was proof that I was too weak to. Like I couldn't even do something as simple as brush my hair by myself.
But it had also felt sort of nice, under all the scary. Sort of freeing.
And even though I hadn't had much choice in the matter - I was lying in bed, burning up with fever from a flu turning in pneumonia, after all - I still had let someone else take care of me. I had had to trust him, to give him control.
I had trusted him. And I could again.
Even if it was scary.
"I know," I replied, smiling hesitantly.
I could.
And maybe I even would.
Catz: "Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on," -Bill Withers
I kind of want to take this story down, but I won't, just for all you who like it. I feel like this whole thing was clunky and didn't flow right, but I did try really hard to make it work. But holy shit is it hard to try to write what goes on in Vriska's head.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!