{Recieving Minecraftia universe database...}

{Failure to retrieve data.}

{CRASH}

{REBOOTING...}

{Retrying...retrying...}

[Chapter analysis successfully loaded.]

[Author's note successfully loaded.]

Ch. 5: Skelly Butt

Time: Before Interviews

Summary: Skeleton and Spider meet and are immediately grossed out, yelling insults like 'Skelly butt' and 'multi-legs'. The animals are annoyed at this (besides the pigs, because no one gives less shits than pigs). Also, a vampire is involved in there somewhere.

Kay, so, I literally JUST posted a chapter, but this one's been done for a while and it's been waiting, and waiting, so, here ya go. It's a lot shorter, too.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[...COMPUTER HAS CRASHED]

Dammit! HEROBRINE I KNOW THAT WAS YOU!

Herobrine: No idea what you're talking about...

[System rebooting...]

Skeleton and Spider have a very interesting tale. For starters, the two best friends weren't always such. Actually, they started out as enemies.

When they first saw each other, it was by chance. The sun had fallen, the cold winds had sent in, and most players had gone inside, and found themselves a bed. But the night was a time of activity for monster mobs.

Spider never really understood it, how the whole monster/animal thing worked. He just knew not to attack the animals, and they wouldn't have any problems.

There had been a time when there had been problems. Er, a lot of them. The monsters didn't like the animals at all, and the animals didn't like them much either. But the Mooshrooms, apparently, were powerful and badass when it came to war. Monsters ended up signing a contract, saying that the monsters would be allowed to live if they were peaceful, and if they did their best to protect the animals.

So, Spider and Skeleton were both outside, one of their first times, otherwise they probably would have run into each other before; the night was long and the world was small. They took one glance at each other, and were almost instantly revolted.

Skeleton had never seen a thing with that many eyes. It was creepy. Does that guy really need that many against the thought of being blind? What the hell? And why does he need that many legs...ugh! It crawls?!

Spider had seen a skeleton before, sure. But not a live one. Not a walking-around-holding-a-bow-like-he-owns-the-world one. Bones had always seemed gross to him. Skin and flesh just rotted away...like the remains of a zombie that died a really long time ago to collect dust. I mean, ew...

The first couple nights, both ignored each other, thoroughly grossed out. Then was when Steve came out.

Steve had decided that night that he felt like killing monsters, and besides, he didn't have a bed. He grabbed his iron chestplate and leather helmet (hey, don't judge him, he hadn't gone mining in a while, it was all he had) and picked up his iron sword, and rushed towards zombie after zombie, occasionally followed by a creeper or two. Ugh, why so many zombies?

Then he ran into Spider and Skeleton.

Spider's and Skeleton's tactics were very different. Spider preferred to jump down from above, and loved the way that the player's skin crawled when he blindly slashed upwards. Skeleton, on the other hand, would stay right where he was, unless he needed a clearer shot. But what happened was that Spider fell from the air, directly on top of Steve, but Steve rolled out of the way. Skeleton's arrow ended up lodged in Spider's back, and though Skeleton kept aiming at him, Steve was able to get away and find easier targets. Like zombies. Wahoo for zombies. You turn around and...oh! Look! Another zombie. Ha, just kidding, that guy had a couple friends...who had a couple friends...

Spider groaned in pain, half of his hearts gone. The arrow didn't seem to want to come loose, as if the fall hadn't been bad enough. Normally Spider crushed someone else in the process of his fall, not himself. "Thanks a ton, bone face, you let him get away."

Skeleton was unsure why he felt so offended, but felt defensive against the ugly eight-eyed thing. "I let him get away? You didn't even move."

"Kind of hard to, with your arrow in my back!"

"Oh, please, you're too slow to have gotten him anyway." Skeleton rolled his nonexistent eyeballs.

"Says the guy without even actual muscles. Is that why you never actually follow anybody?"

"It's called being smart, freak face. Not that you would know what that means."

"You don't even have a brain."

"And yet I'm still smarter than you. Explains a lot, doesn't it?"

Spider couldn't think of a good reply, which pretty much just proved Skeleton's even more. "Shut up!"

The conversation went from annoying shouts to annoying grumbles as both went their own way, even though Spider managed to get the arrow out and throw it at Skeleton before going back into his cave. The sun came up as Skeleton muttered about creepy freaks of nature.

With some friendships, it starts with a disaster. Skeleton and Spider's did. Take a guess at who the disaster was. No, seriously, guess. Think really hard. Something that basically screws everyone up. Really powerful. You would not want to be with him in a dark alley if you were stupid enough to piss him off.

Herobrine.

Skeleton and Spider were ideal targets. Neither of them even actually had blood, but, surprisingly, that wasn't what Herobrine was looking for that night. They were so busy arguing at each other, (repeatedly, night after night, it annoyed just about anyone nearby) that they didn't notice the vampire watching them. It was too easy to get them, it honestly bored the vampire.

"Ugh! You act like you're king of the world, you literally rotten pile of bones!"

"This literal pile of bones can still hurt, you know. So do these arrows."

"Yeah, I know, you asshole, I had one in the back, once upon a time."

"How about this. Shut up, or I'll hit you with a arrow so hard you won't even know-"

That's when Herobrine sprinted towards them. Both let out squeals and squeaks; they were looking into the eyes of Herobrine -like, the Herobrine, as in the blood-sucking, previously Nether-ruling, back-stabbing vampire- and had nowhere to go. All they felt after that was something painful slamming into them, grabbing them by the shoulders, digging into their skin -hands in a vice-like, claw-like grip, Spider realized with a gasp of pain- and the world morphed into blurs before it went dark.

Herobrine yawned, as the mobs he was dragging behind him were knocked out. It didn't surprise him; his speed was usually too much for others, and he was pretty sure he had accidently -yes, completely accidently- slammed Skeleton against a rock along the way. Neither of them seemed like any fun, but Herobrine had work to do. Oh well. Captives now, fun later.

Lots of fun later.

If Spider didn't like skeletons, then he despised the cell Herobrine put him in. It smelled like...ew...did he even want to know? It was humid, greasy, and water echoed when it dripped to the floor. In the cell next to him, Skeleton would try hopelessly to shoot at the lock, which, oddly enough, was multiple feet above him. Actually, the whole door to the prison cell was above him, like the cell itself was a hole in the ground. If he had been able to climb, which Spider could do with ease, he would be able to get out. Spider, whose lock was too small to fit any of his arms in, would be able to get out if he had something small and thin, like a lockpick or something.

As it was, they were stuck. Besides, even if they did get out, they would get to face Herobrine, who, of course, they had had heard plenty about, probably more than they cared to know.

Herobrine was whistling to himself, and they heard a small splash. A strong, almost suffocating smell filled the cave that Herobrine had gone to.

"Ew, Father of Feathers, what is that?" Spider wrinkled his nose.

Skeleton knew the scent well. "The base for a potion."

Herobrine stopped whistling long enough to say, "Right on, skelly butt. And I promise you, it's a really, really, really friendly potion."

"Oh, of course it is." Skeleton muttered. "Freaking maniac."

There was a laugh that echoed quietly in the cave. "I heard that. Don't push me, pale face. Your brother is Wither Skeleton, right? Potion making should be in your blood...or DNA. Or whatever you have. See if you can tell what kind of potion I'm making without even being able to see it."

Soon there was the sound of bubbling, and multiple things being splashed into cauldron.

Skeleton seemed shocked beyond words. "Is that..." He frowned at the smells. "Ghast tears...rotten flesh...blaze powder?"

"Yup. Seven cups of each. Bleh, it smells gross, though, huh?"

"What the hell are you making? And what's it got to do with me?" Spider said.

Skeleton closed his eyes. Seven cups of blaze powder, seven cups of rotten flesh, seven cups of ghast tears...he knew that recipe. It was an uncompleted one. Herobrine was missing a couple things. But what?

Skeleton stopped. "You're not making..." Skeleton leaned against the wall in a rather defeated manner. "Fuck."

Herobrine chuckled. "Um, no, I'm definitely not making that. Believe me, the ingredients would be very different. And it probably wouldn't smell like rotten flesh. Er, hopefully. Yeah, um, I'm gonna stop talking now."

"You're making Possession Splash Potion." Skeleton accused.

Herobrine chuckled and didn't reply.

"What's so bad about Possession Potion?" Spider spoke up.

"It's not really all that bad," Herobrine said rather defensively. "It just lets me take control of the mind of anyone of my choice, for a temporary amount of time, of course, a day, at the most. Side effects usually include constant nightmares, but, well, that's what happens when someone else goes inside your head, so." Herobrine shrugged, and mixed up the potion. "I have a certain somebody to use it on."

"It's not about what it does," Skeleton sighed. "It's about what's in it. He's missing multiple ingredients."

"Very true. Can you tell me what I'm missing, eyeless bones?"

Skeleton frowned, trying to remember. "Erm...twenty seven glowstone..."

A splash. "Check."

"Twenty...twenty one redstone?"

Another splash. "Well, I want an extra kick, so I'm using twenty three."

Skeleton named many others, including a silverfish. "Hmm, yeah, nearly forgot that one." There was a painful squeak and a sizzle that made both captives shudder. "Check. I believe I'm only missing three more ingredients. Do you remember, arrow lover?"

Skeleton closed his eyes. He had been stalling, in a way, but there it was. Skeleton couldn't get himself to reply.

"You're awfully quiet, bow carrier." Herobrine chuckled.

"Skeleton?" Spider called, fear creeping into his voice.

Skeleton muttered, "He...he needs one spider eye, and three string."

Spider slowly backed up into a corner, but there was nowhere to go. He whispered, "What?"

Herobrine stood at the other side of Spider's cage, grinning. "Yes, I do need those." The vampire glanced over at the skeleton's cage. "But you forgot one, annoying archer."

Skeleton looked defeated, muttering, "You need one bone."

"I do." Herobrine replied. "Unfortunately for you, rotten ribs, the Possession Potion is rather specific, if you remember. If the ingredients have to be very...fresh; if they're older than around three minutes, then it's unlikely the potion will work at all."

"Yeah." Skeleton slumped against the wall. "I know."

"Hmm, well, since you seem to know everything, brainless, wanna tell me which one of you should go first?"

Skeleton shuddered and didn't reply. "I don't think it matters."

"Actually, it does. I did this once before, and the second one gets to go deaf from the other one screaming. I'm pretty sure I went a little deaf, even with earplugs."

"Well," Skeleton swallowed, "I don't have ears, so I don't care."

"Ha ha! That's true, that's true. Still, you've been awfully annoying, so I think I'm gonna shut you up first."

Herobrine started whistling again, fiddling with the key and lock to Skeleton's cage, (the old, rusty thing was really strong, but really annoying,) as Spider's heart began to pound. Skeleton's probably would have been pounding in his ears, but he didn't have a heart, or ears, so, as it was, he just really wished he was anywhere else.

The old cage finally opened, and Herobrine took his time coming in. Skeleton risked on shot, but Herobrine easily dodged, the arrow going behind him and slightly to the left, going inside Spider's cage and nearly hitting him, and then Skeleton was out of arrows.

"Fuck." Skeleton muttered, throwing the bow, too, but it didn't do much good. Skeleton glanced through the small barred window at Spider's cage. His aim hadn't been at Herobrine, not technically; it hit Spider's lock directly, unlocking the door.

Herobrine had his sword to Skeleton's technically nonexistent throat, when there was a small squeak, like a door someone was trying to open quietly.

He turned, to find Spider slowly opening his cell door. Spider saw him looking, yelped, and sprinted towards the front of the cave.

Herobrine smiled. "Well, you're a little too smart for a brainless guy, aren't you, skelly butt?" The vampire rushed towards the entrance, easily flipping out of Skeleton's cell, and chasing after Spider. The white-eyed monster couldn't deny it; he liked this better. A harder challenge.

Skeleton didn't waste a second of his time. He had to find a way to get out of his cell, whether the door was so high up or not. He came up with only one solution. He didn't like it, but he didn't have time to argue with himself.

He grabbed his bow and tried using it like a hook to get himself up. He was almost there, the bars, ledge, and open door within reach, when his bow got stuck in a loose rock. He lost his grip, and fell, but his bow didn't come with him.

There was a loud crunch, and Skeleton cried out. His leg was snapped at the knee, cracked and hardly staying together. (And note that this was before Skeleton was able to disassemble, reassemble, or mend himself.)

Skeleton couldn't even crawl away, now, and Herobrine was having trouble finding Spider, who could blend in with the dark.

But Spider was still running away from Herobrine, and his own fear was chasing him, making him louder and easier to find. Spider ended up turning around, and finding himself at the top ceiling of the cave, hanging and waiting for Herobrine to pass him.

The vampire could smell the musky scent of spider, but it was mixed with the others from the potion, leaving Herobrine confused as to where spider could be. "Mother of Minecraft, what a lucky thing." Herobrine glanced at Skeleton's cage. "Aw, did you fall and hurt yourself? I would give you a bandaid, but I think I ran out. I think a knife would work the same, huh? Let me find where I put mine." Herobrine disappeared to the back of the cave. Skeleton resisted the urge to mention that he didn't bleed, so he wouldn't need a bandaid anyways, but that would give the vampire more incentive to mentioning that he definitely needed a knife.

Spider's chance was now. He could get out and never look back. He headed towards the front of the cave.

Skeleton was trying to keep quiet, although he wasn't sure why, but mainly because he didn't want to give Herobrine the satisfaction of hearing him in pain. He gritted his teeth (see, that he did have,) and gasped between them. He sighed and slumped again the wall. "Fuck," he said for the third time that day. "I love my luck, so much." He sighed. "Bye, Spider. I...agh. I won't see you later, I guess." It was the first time Skeleton had actually called Spider by name, without adding any kind of insult to it. Actually, Skeleton sounded tired.

Spider caught the quiet, pleading, but hopeless tone in his voice. The eight-legged weirdo had one of those moments you wish you had more time to think, but you don't, so you go with the first thing that comes to mind.

Spider could hear Herobrine clanking through multiple metals, like he couldn't decide which one to use, and knew he had to hurry. He slipped through the cell, climbed down the wall, and grabbed Skeleton before the said guy with the broken leg could say anything.

"What're you-" Skeleton started, but Spider shushed him.

Spider was sprinting as fast as he could, getting out of the cave just as Herobrine was coming back to where the cages were. The vampire grinned and walked to the entrance of the cave, and he could see Spider, with Skeleton on his back, sprinting across the plains. Herobrine chuckled to himself.

"Oh, Brother of Bedrock, can't you go any faster?! Spider, he's at the entrance already!"

"Some helpful set of eyes you are," Spider grumbled, "considering you don't even have any."

"Will you just get over that, for crying out loud!" Skeleton rolled nonexistent eyes. "You have four pairs of them, so shut up!"

"Do you want me to drop you here? Don't tempt me, because I swear, I will leave you and your hopeless little ass to the mercy of that freak-"

"No, no! I'm sorry! Sorry, just-just keep doing what you're doing."

"I will, if you shut up."

"Okay! Okay, shutting up."

So, yeah, you could say that the Spider and Skeleton started off weird. (In my opinion, they still are weird, but let's keep opinions out of this, because Herobrine has a particular opinion about me that I'm more than sure he'd like to share if we started that kind of thing, so, erm, let's not start that kinda thing, mkay?)

Skeletons are masters of mending themselves, and if they weren't they'd be pretty sucky potion masters, so, once Spider got him there, Skeleton got fixed right up. Spider simply expected to go on his way, and Skeleton simply expected Spider to leave. So that's what happened.

But it was more and more common that they ran into each other, and more and more common that Steve wanted to piss them off. So, it was more out of annoyance than any actual planning that Skeleton jumped on Spider and started shooting arrows at Steve. Spider would laugh, because Skeleton was such an idiot sometimes, but it was nice, having another pair of eyes, even though Skeleton repeatedly pointed out that he had plenty, and technically, Skeleton didn't even have eyes, but Spider told him to shut up and accept the eight-legged mob trying (it's really hard with this Skeleton) to say something nice about him. Skeleton would grin. "Well, I have nothing nice to say about you, so, sorry."

Spider muttered under his breath. "I swear to the Mother of Minecraft, I will punch you in the face."

"With which hand? Or foot, or whatever?"

"Gods, here we go again..." Spider sighed.

"Which reminds me! Which one of those is like your hand or your foot? Or do you just call them all legs? Or arms? Or like, claws or something? Or are they just limbs? Like what do you call them?"

"We've had this conversation."

"Correction; you've avoided this conversation."

"Correction; I've avoided making you into bone meal."

"Correction; you've avoided attempting to make me into bone meal. Since you never have before, you would likely fail."

"I'm really starting to regret saving you from that vampire that other day."

Skeleton laughed. "Aw, I love you too!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now come on, are we gonna kick some player butt or not?"

"Was that supposed to be a rhetorical question?"

Spider rolled his eyes and gestured towards his back. "Obviously. Hop on, idiot."

"Okay, moron." Skeleton replied.

"Fine, skelly butt."

Skeleton shuddered, hearing Herobrine's voice say those words. "Don't ever call me that again, please."

"Please? Wow, the guy has manners."

"Shut up, and let's go kill some players already!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Skelly butt!"

"Ughhh!"

Yeah I didn't know how to end that, so, um I just kinda let them keep on talking.