Chapter 3D: "Memento homo, quia pulvis es, et in pulverem reverteris"
Jim was dreaming. He must be, he often had nightmares that felt too real, but eventually he woke up and realized that it wasn't true. He was dreaming, and taking longer than usual to wake up.
"Jim, come on, lie down." He felt a gentle pressure on his shoulders.
"Doctor, the OR is ready."
"Thank you Chapel, tell M'Benga to beam down again, I don't want the camp neglected."
He needed to wake up, the longer he dreamed, the longer he would feel this miserable. His tears felt cold on his cheeks and this was the first time he'd felt like this in a dream. He cried and yelled, but he never felt the wetness of tears or the strain in his throat from forcing his voice. This dream was different and he didn't like it. He tried to move, but he felt restrains on his wrists; people were murmuring around him, like he wasn't even there. He couldn't find his voice to shout, to plead for everyone to stop and let him wake up. Eventually voices stopped and the lights faded, he felt like he was falling into darkness. He also felt he would never get out of there again. He was trapped.
He heard someone calling him. He didn't know how much time had passed since his last memory… what was his last memory? The Enterprise, there was a mission… images passed quickly in Jim's head until he heard his name again. He blinked, adjusting his vision to his surroundings. His leg hurt like hell.
"Jim, can you hear me?" He saw someone leaning down.
"Bones?"
"Yes, thank God you're awake. I was getting worried here. If Spock comes in one more time asking me how you're doing I'm killing him."
Spock? Why would Spock want to know how he was doing? Why was he in Sickbay? Why did Bones look like he hadn't slept in a month? He tried to remember… a mission, people buried… then he remembered. No life signals from the mine, Captain, Uhura's voice echoed in his head. No life signals, he was with Kevin, he was beamed out of there when he was about to get both of them out. All these memories came back in a rush, making Jim feel lightheaded. He had to ask. He had to ask even though he knew the answer because there was a small chance of that being a dream. Perhaps he passed out right before the rescue and his imagination filled out the rest. Perhaps everyone was safe and alive and his mind was playing tricks on him. He wished with all his heart that everything he remembered was wrong. Please, let it be wrong.
"Kevin?" was the first thing he asked, wishing that Bones could say he was fine. He had to be fine.
"Jim… how much do you remember?" Bones looked extremely compassionate, this wasn't good.
"Where's Kevin, Bones?"
"Jim, don't move, you are still recovering. You lost blood and you leg was injured badly. You were close enough to losing it and you have to…"
"He's dead, isn't he?" Jim couldn't take more evasiveness.
"It was a hard mission Jim, you did everything you could but unfortunately…"
Jim stopped listening. He'd broken his promise. He said that he and Kevin would either live together, or die together. Now he was alive and Kevin had died. It should have been the other way around. If someone had to die, it should have been him. It should have been him, it should have been him… no matter how many times he repeated this in his head, it didn't change the fact that he'd broken his promise. Kevin had died alone, he didn't deserve that. How Jim could have been that stupid? He should have stopped Kevin from beaming down, he should have opposed Spock, he should have banned Kevin from being anywhere near the disaster. He was angry at Mitchell because he knew Kevin would be at risk and he put him on the Enterprise anyway. He was angry at Bones because he could have requested Kevin and he would have been safe. He was angry at Spock because he didn't trust him enough to get them out. Mostly he was angry at himself, because he'd allowed this. He let Kevin die, and that was something he would never forgive himself for.
Bones was smart enough to prohibit visitors for Jim. His friend, although was nervous and apprehensive around him, respected his desire for solitude for the moment. After all, he was recovering, he needed time. Jim cynically wondered if this was what his mother felt when she lost his father. Jim never had been affected by death so deeply. His father died, but he didn't know him. People on Tarsus died, but he saved the ones who were important to him. Perhaps this hurt so much because he tried so hard to prevent it. He did everything on Tarsus, and he managed. How could he have failed on this stupid mission? It was ironic. Jim could have laughed if he wasn't feeling so bitter.
He had time to think over and over again what he was supposed to do now. Kevin died; he couldn't revive him or do anything for him. When he was five, he asked his mother if she had been sad when his dad died. She told him that she was devastated, but when people died, those who were alive must move on and continue with their lives, even when they feel they couldn't. He was supposed to move on as well. He had to continue with his life like nothing had happened. That somehow felt fake and stupid, and Jim didn't want to do it.
But he had to, otherwise he would drown in his sorrow.
"Okay Jim, it's been two weeks now. Your leg will need time, but you are ready to be discharged." Bones kept poking his leg.
"Don't you think I need a shrink?" he blurted out, because he feared that Bones would send him to one like they did when he was rescued from Tarsus.
"Why? Do you think you need one?" Bones frowned, looking him carefully.
"I thought it was standard after a traumatic event. Since Spock is so fond of rules and protocols, I thought he finally found the loop-hole that would get me out of here."
"It's standard if it interferes with your job. And Spock wouldn't do that, he's been asking for you almost every day." Bones scowled, probably because he knew Jim said it with certain resentment. He couldn't help him, he was still mad. He probably would be for a long time.
"How kind of him."
"Jim, I know it's hard."
"You don't know anything. Don't try to pretend you understand, because you don't, you can imagine it, but let me tell you that living it is ten times worse, and people being condescending doesn't help."
Bones nodded, and kept writing in his PADD. He probably was thinking of the best way to cheer Jim up, like there was a magic recipe for people who were mourning to suddenly feel better. Bones didn't know him.
"You're still on leave tomorrow, and I stopped your medication three days ago. After my shift I'll bring Andorian wine to your room."
Maybe he did know him after all.
If the Chief Medical Officer believed that one of the crew members needed a certain amount of time to recover, there was nothing that Spock could do to intervene. However, not allowing visitors to patients was something Spock did not understand. He thought that humans recovered faster when they were accompanied by people who cared about them. At first Spock imagined that Doctor McCoy had banned him specifically from Sickbay, given that Commander Kirk was probably angry at him. Then he noticed that Mister Chekov had not seen the Commander either, and Mister Sulu was in the same predicament. Apparently the doctor thought best to isolate the Commander from everyone else.
"I'm sure Kirk is fine, Spock."
He turned around, seeing Nyota enter the Observation deck. He often visited it when he needed to think and decide on his course of action.
"Doctor McCoy was positive in his briefing."
"You call that a briefing? Him telling you to stop nagging and that Kirk is alive barely qualifies." Nyota smiled.
"The doctor could be more specific," Spock agreed. McCoy was vague when he was tired. And he had been with Mister Kirk since he beamed up two weeks ago. If he was the one injured, he wondered, would anyone be by his side as faithfully as McCoy stood next to Kirk?
Perhaps only Nyota. That Kirk was not receiving visitors did not mean that he was not cared for. The crew was eager to see him; that would probably not be the case if he was the one lying down, injured. He liked to think that Kirk would be there too, but he was not sure about that after the events that had unfolded on the planet.
He would probably be alone.
"He'll understand," Nyota said. "He won't hate you, he'll understand."
Spock wanted to say that it hardly mattered if Kirk hated him. That was not important and if the Commander was efficient, Spock should not care what his personal feelings were. If Kirk was competent though he had negative feelings for Spock, it was not relevant. Nevertheless, Spock could not say it because somehow it did matter and it was relevant. Deep down it was important to him, he did not want the Commander to resent him.
He did not want the Commander to hate him, even though Spock himself did not even entirely understand that sentiment.
Since he knew Mister Kirk was being discharged today, he excused himself from Nyota and decided to visit the medical ward and see how the Commander was doing. Two weeks seemed like a small amount of time for Kirk to be able to cope with the death of Mister Riley; still, Spock hoped (as illogical as it was) that the Commander was more himself than he had been the last time he saw him. Spock did not like the coldness that he had seen in Kirk's eyes, and it caused him discomfort though he did not know the reason.
As he entered the sickbay, Spock noticed Doctor McCoy directing orders to Nurse Chapel. Spock was aware of the Commander's absence, given that the curtain which had concealed the bed in which he resided was open and the bed was empty.
"Doctor McCoy," Spock said. "You discharged the Commander?"
"Do you see him here?" McCoy spat. "Unless he's invisible all of a sudden, of course I discharged him."
Spock was taken aback by McCoy's rudeness. The doctor was right, if Spock did not see the Commander in Sickbay it was somewhat logical to presume he had been discharged. Furthermore the doctor was probably tired because he had spent the last two point one weeks guarding Mister Kirk; Spock must understand the different needs humans had. Still, he did not like that particular tone of voice, and when McCoy was well rested he would suggest better control under stressful situations.
"I'm sorry," McCoy sighed. "Yes, he was discharged. He'll be on bed rest for two more days and then he's clear to report to the Bridge."
"Would it not be best for the Commander to spend that time in the medical ward?"
"He doesn't like Sickbay, and he needs privacy to deal with… certain things."
Spock noted that Doctor McCoy had not said anything about Mister Riley's death; perhaps this human was vulnerable to the memory of that event and wanted to avoid naming it at all cost. Spock was familiar with that, when he was in the Academy he had known humans who avoided talking about the natural event of death. Even Spock, with his Vulcan training, had a hard time accepting the death of his mother. It was not an approachable subject for anyone.
"I suggest avoiding him until he shows up for his next shift," McCoy added. "He's still a little bit… bitter."
Understandable. Mister Kirk was probably unconscious for most of his stay on Sickbay and now he had to confront reality. Since the presence of the Commander was not essential at the moment, Spock thought it best to just follow Doctor McCoy's suggestion and wait. He did not like it, as it felt somehow detrimental to their gained trust and working relationship, however in this case Doctor McCoy was the expert.
Still, it felt wrong.
Jim hadn't gotten this drunk since he was eighteen. He just wanted to forget everything, to stop feeling sadness and resentment; alcohol made that possible. He wanted to forget, and he couldn't do it. Even when he could barely stand and everything seemed blurry, he couldn't get what had happened out of his mind, how he'd failed and would probably be better off dead. Bones kept saying it wasn't his fault and that he did everything he could. Truth was that if Kevin hadn't met him, he would probably be alive right now. People around him kept dying, maybe he was cursed. He should stay away from Bones, he could be next.
"I'll take my chances," he heard Bones saying while he was trying to put him to bed. "You aren't cursed, okay?"
"How do you know?" Jim slurred, barely making any sense.
"I just know."
"I'll end up alone, Bones. If people don't die around me, then they just leave. I don't want you to die… just leave."
"I'm not dying or leaving," Bones sighed. "You'll be fine, kid. You'll be fine."
The last thing Jim remembered before passing out was Bones hugging him before he put him to bed gently. He wouldn't be fine. Things could never be fine now.
When he opened his eyes, Jim felt like his head would explode at any moment. He felt this annoying pounding in his sides and he moaned in pain, trying to bury his head in the pillow and see if that helped a little. It didn't. Trying to drown your neurons in alcohol was less painful and more effective when he was younger. Now he had a horrible hangover and he still remembered everything. He still felt everything.
"I see you're up." Bones entered the room and Jim had never been so happy to see his friend with a hypospray.
"Did I hit you?" Jim felt a small pang in his right hand.
"No, you hit the wall. Spock is probably making you fix it."
Jim glanced to his right, noticing a fracture in the wall. That was a good blow, if he wasn't feeling like shit he would probably appreciate it better.
"You didn't break anything in your hand, if you're interested," Bones spat. "Are you done with the tantrums?"
"I think so," he said, not entirely convinced. "Sorry."
Bones didn't say anything; he just injected him in the neck, and looked at him with compassion. Jim hated that look, everyone saw him like that when they learned he was George Kirk's son or that he survived Tarsus.
"Tomorrow you are back on schedule, Jim." Bones sat next to him.
"Yeah, I know."
"You think you're ready for that?"
"I won't quit just because Kevin died, Bones. I'm not that messed up, okay? I won't break."
"You breaking isn't my concern, Jim. You're still upset, and nothing good comes out when you have all that anger boiling up."
"It's not a big deal. I have to move on, right? He died, I live, life's a bitch."
"Jim –"
"I'm fine, stop being all edgy. I'll be obedient and submissive until I request my promotion."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"That's what you are afraid of, aren't you? Me being all loud and insubordinate with Spock, acting like I don't give a shit. I won't, I'll be the exact opposite. Kevin wouldn't have liked it if I start acting out like when we were children."
Bones frowned, and Jim could see how his friend was debating whether this was a good thing or not.
"Not that I'm complaining, but, don't you think you're exaggerating? It's good you won't be baiting Spock and all, but you sound like you'll stop being yourself and turn into an obedient dog."
"That's what everyone wants. The Admirals, Spock… even you. Then that's what you'll get. I'll be the best lap dog Starfleet had ever had."
Before Bones could start ranting about how he was an idiot for doing things this extreme, he stood up and went into the bathroom, closing the door. He sighed, leaning back on it and closing his eyes, when he heard a small noise in front of him. Blinking quickly, he noticed that Spock was standing in front of the sink, looking completely put out by Jim's presence. Damn shared bathrooms. This was going to be incredibly uncomfortable for the next five months.
"Captain," he said, trying to sound as emotionless as he was pretending to be.
"Commander Kirk. How are you feeling?"
"I'm better, I'll report to Gamma shift tomorrow, sir."
"You can take as much time as you consider necessary for your successful recovery, Commander."
Bones being all worried about him was one thing, but Spock shouldn't be, and it bothered him that the Vulcan pretended to care about how was he.
"That won't be necessary sir. I'm sorry; I didn't know you were in here. I'll come back later."
"I was just leaving." Spock kept looking at him like he was searching for something. "I am pleased that you are adequately recovered, Commander."
Was that sarcasm? Somehow it felt like sarcasm.
"Thank you for your concern, Captain," he said in his best polite voice.
As Spock was leaving the bathroom, Jim tried to subdue the twinge of regret he felt at acting this way. He tried to believe that he was capable, that everyone saw his value, when in reality he was useless and everyone thought they needed to keep babysitting him. He would be a good dog then, until he could get his own ship and do things his way, alone. Gary was right, you couldn't trust anyone.
Commander Kirk was acting odd. Spock thought that perhaps it was because he was still recovering, and medication sometimes had unusual effects on humans. He did his job, and answered every query or comment directed at him, but something was amiss. Usually Kirk and Spock shared dinner after Beta shift; now Kirk was sitting alone, and Spock felt he would not be welcomed if he asked the Commander if he could sit with him. It was disconcerting, he was wary of approaching Mister Kirk, almost like he would feel in front of an untrained sehlat.
It had been three days since the Commander returned to his job, and Spock was reluctant to admit he was worried about the behavior Kirk was showing. He was distant and cold, he barely smiled and if he did so it was with cynicism. Of course he must be still mourning, but Spock was getting the impression that the Commander was closing up to everyone around him.
He decided to invite Kirk to play chess and see if he could discuss some of his concerns with the man in question.
"Mister Kirk, I was wondering if you are amenable to a game of chess?"
Kirk glanced at Spock, barely making eye contact.
"I'm sorry, Captain, I can't."
Since Kirk did not give any other date to reschedule, Spock thought it would be prudent for him to suggest it.
"When will you be able? I find our encounters entertaining and fascinating." Spock knew it was petty to use flattering to make the Commander concede; nevertheless, he wanted to make sure that Kirk was not avoiding him. That was the conclusion Spock had reached when Kirk kept eating by himself and stopped inviting Spock to other activities like training or poker night.
"I don't think I'll be able soon, Captain. Maybe you can ask Uhura, I'm sure she would be delighted to play chess with you."
Completely stunned, Spock watched as Kirk got out of the lift without looking back. Kirk was not rude or impertinent. However, something in his voice made Spock incredibly uncomfortable, and he felt like he had just been hit. At least Spock proved his point, Kirk was clearly avoiding him, and he needed to talk to him before it affected their command.
Taking a deep breath, Spock entered the Sickbay. He knew that only McCoy could help him with this particular dilemma, though he was not happy about it. McCoy was in his office, growling about charts. This was not going to end well, but he was already there, he might as well just ask McCoy and see what happened.
"Doctor McCoy," Spock said, entering McCoy's office.
"Captain." McCoy did not even bother in making eye contact.
"May I discuss something with you?"
At that McCoy looked at him with an eyebrow lift, and gestured for Spock to sit down in front of him. He did, and took another breath. He knew he had to extensively meditate on why the Commander caused such reactions in Spock, but the most pressing matter at the moment was discovering what was wrong with Kirk.
"Commander Kirk is acting odd."
McCoy waited, like he was expecting Spock to elaborate. He did not know how he could be more specific, his statement was clear enough for even humans to understand it.
"Define 'odd'," McCoy said, and Spock had the impression that the doctor was baiting him.
"Since you seem to have problems with the definition of 'odd' I shall rephrase my statement. He is acting unusual, out of the ordinary, atypical, uncommon –"
"All right, I get it. No need to throw all the synonyms at me. He's acting odd." Spock noticed the sarcastic tone this time. "What about it?"
"I was wondering if you could explain if this is normal behavior when a human loses a friend, as it seemed Mister Kirk was friend of Mister Riley."
"Tell me something, Captain, did it affect you losing Riley down there?"
Spock lifted an eyebrow. That was an unexpected question and he was not sure of the correct answer. Logically, it did affect him. Mister Riley was barely experienced and yet he had faced a difficult mission that cost him his life. Spock had not lost a single crew member under his command until now, and even though he had known it would happen eventually, it was still a distressing thing to face, knowing that you were responsible for that life. Nonetheless, Spock was reluctant to admit that a small part of him was thankful that Mister Riley's was the life sacrificed on this mission; as appalling as that thought was, he was relieved because it was not Mister Kirk who was deceased. Spock was aware of the implications; putting one life over another was undue and selfish, but when he saw the Commander alive, he did not care in that moment. He tried to explain this reaction with reasonable arguments. Mister Riley was a cadet and Kirk was a Commander, therefore Kirk was more important to the Enterprise. Of course he lamented the death of Mister Riley, he was a bright cadet who could have had a great career in Starfleet; but these were the negative aspects of the post, you were at risk during the time you served. And for that matter, you could die falling on the stairway and hitting your head, you were always in a certain amount of danger; being in Starfleet only increased those possibilities.
The answer was that he would be more affected if he had lost Mister Kirk. Somehow it seemed wrong to voice this conclusion, so Spock only tilted his head.
"Well, imagine how it affected Jim." Apparently the doctor took his silence as an affirmative answer to his query. "They were good friends, and they shared a special bond. Jim is coping; he just sucks at it."
"Is there something I can do to hasten the process?"
"No. He's a stubborn son of a bitch, let me tell you. Just don't piss him off and you'll be fine."
He disliked making inquiries of McCoy because he often used offensive words and barely made sense. Spock concluded that giving the Commander space would be the best course of action until he returned to his outspoken personality.
Spock thought that it would help Kirk cope if he handled all the details of the last mission. After all, it could be detrimental if Spock asked the Commander to write a report of certain events and Spock could manage the paperwork. Even Admiral Pike approved this course of action, deciding that Spock's briefing was enough and they did not need the Commander's version. Pike looked remorseful about the mission, and he said nice words about Mister Riley. Apparently another two cadets had passed away on difficult missions, and the Admiralty was reconsidering the Internship program. The Admiral kept saying that Spock did a good job and made the right decision. Although when he saw Mister Kirk barely speaking with anyone off shift and avoiding him, Spock questioned whether it was the right decision.
Even though others found Vulcans cold and unnerving, Spock was grateful for his heritage. It allowed him to better control his emotions and he did not make conclusions without knowing the facts. Humans were the opposite, and Spock was confident that he was making a good effort to understand that. Still, there were things that tested his Vulcan control and his patience, one of them being James Kirk. Another two days passed and the Commander had not improved his attitude yet. Even Mister Chekov, who admired the Commander, felt disappointed at seeing this new side of Kirk. The crew started avoiding Kirk and Spock could not blame them. Kirk was not offensive, he was just… distant.
Spock decided to take action about this new development when he read the new proposal Mister Kirk handed him. He searched for the Commander, finding him in the Conference room, apparently having a discussion with Mister Sulu.
"It affected us all, Commander. I was friends with Riley, we shared a few classes."
"Good for you, Sulu."
"You know? I thought you were different. You are acting more like the jerk I heard about back in the Academy."
"Well, maybe now you will see that rumors are sometimes true. Are we done here?"
"I assume you didn't hear me, right?" Mister Sulu glared at Mister Kirk.
"Oh, no, I heard you. I just don't care."
"You know what? Fuck you!" Mister Sulu turned around and as he noticed Spock, he blushed. "Captain, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were there."
"Mister Sulu, may I have a moment in private with the Commander?"
"Certainly, sir. Excuse me."
Mister Sulu bolted from the room, probably still ashamed about his actions. Spock understood why he was agitated; still, he had been rude to a superior officer. This time, Spock would let it pass. It was not undeserved, after all.
"Yes, Captain, what do you need?" The words were polite, but the tone was cold.
"Commander, I received your proposal. I thought we already discussed this point."
"Well, I thought it was time for a change."
"We are the command team, we need to share responsibilities."
"Are we? I thought I was just your pet."
"Excuse me?" Spock could not suppress his surprise.
"Your pet. I follow you around, I obey, I don't piss on the carpet… all the basics."
"Commander, I am afraid we do not understand each other. I thought I made your involvement in the command clear."
"Yeah, I thought that too, and then I realized that's only when it suits you. But whatever, you are the boss, Captain. You aren't approving the proposal, then?"
Spock clasped his hands behind his back. Kirk was getting incredibly infuriating and he was trying to control his urge to shake him so he would listen instead of jumping to erroneous conclusions. Kirk was not amenable to listening and Spock could hardly force him. Although he could make it an order, that would not go well.
"Indeed, I am not," he answered, seeing that Kirk was not backing down.
"Go figure. And I'm supposed to be part of the command, right?" Kirk said, and smiled cynically. Spock felt uncomfortable.
"That had nothing to do with your authority. This change has no benefit and will bring no improvement, therefore it is not necessary. Moreover, I would like to approach this new behavior you are presenting. It could lead to setbacks in the future and it could be dangerous as well."
"Have I disobeyed any orders you gave me?" Kirk crossed his arms, defiant.
"No, however –"
"Have I been neglecting my work in any way?"
"No, I believe –"
"Then if you don't like my attitude, Captain, please file a formal complaint. I've been efficient and I'm capable of doing my job, I don't see how it affects anyone else if I want to be bitter. They should mind their own business. It's not like I'm staying on the Enterprise anyway, so if you can all endure five more months with me then we all win."
"I believe I do not understand, Mister Kirk," Spock said, though he had the strange feeling that he would not like the explanation at all.
"I'm asking for a promotion when the Pegasus' mission ends. I'm pretty sure I earned the damn Captaincy, and you can get rid of me without so much fuss. But if you want me out of here because of my attitude, fine by me, I'm sure Mitchell will be happy to accept me on his ship. A transfer won't look good on our records, you because it would seem like you can't maintain a First Officer and me because I can't work with a superior officer. If you can ignore me for the rest of the time I stay here, we both can win and we'll get what we want eventually. I get my ship, you get another First Officer. Still, if you want to transfer me, send me the paperwork."
Kirk did not give Spock time to react; he left the room quickly without looking back. Spock had clearly heard everything he said and yet he had a hard time believing it. He felt like he was unable to move from the shock, which was an incredibly human feeling but this time he did not care. The Commander was planning on leaving, and of course Spock should have seen this. Kirk had wanted the Captaincy since the beginning. It was naïve to think that Spock could make him stay if he made the Enterprise a second home for Kirk.
Spock was a resourceful individual, but this time he was at loss for what to do next. Logically, he should transfer the Commander, as he had hinted that he was not comfortable on the Enterprise and would prefer to be on Mitchell's ship. However he did not want to, and he would not do it, even when it appeared to be the best option. Spock did not give up when he faced obstacles. He was not beginning now.
Nevertheless, this obstacle could be the one Spock could not surpass.
Jim knew he was way out of line with Spock. The guy just kept bringing out the worst in him, maybe he was still angry at him because he gave the order and didn't trust him to do things his way. But spilling his plans was the dumbest thing Jim could have done, and this time he agreed with Bones. He was an idiot.
Great, just what he needed right now. Nyota Uhura walking towards him with her glare of 'you're stupid and I'll make you pay for making my boyfriend angry'. Jim considered just turning around and going in the opposite direction, but knowing Uhura, she would probably follow him. It was best to end this now instead of prolonging it.
"What can I do for you, Lieutenant?" Jim asked, since the woman was blocking his way.
"You are a complete asshole, Kirk, did you know that?"
"Yeah, I've been told that I am lately. How is that any of your business?"
"It's my business because you are making everyone miserable! For some reason that I still don't understand, everyone likes you. They are worried and sad because you keep being a jerk and don't even care."
"I didn't ask for them to like me, that's not my problem. They should be smart and stay away from me."
"What's your problem? I know you were Riley's friend, and we all feel sad and we regret his death, you don't see us acting like children. He deserved better, Kirk."
Jim felt like he had just been slapped. He hated this, everyone talking like they knew Riley, like they understood what had happened.
"Mind your own business, Uhura," he spat.
"I would if you weren't affecting everyone around you, especially Spock. I don't know what you told him, but he's really upset."
"He is? How come? He's Vulcan, he can't be upset. And I don't think he needs your protection; Spock doesn't give a shit about me, in fact I think he would have been happier if I was the one dead, too bad his plan failed. Please, tell him not to worry, I'm sure he will have plenty of opportunities to finally get rid of me. You can help him."
This time the sting Jim felt in his left cheek indicated that Uhura really had slapped him with all her strength. She turned her back on him, walking away in a fury. He barely registered what happened, since Uhura's words echoed in his head. Spock couldn't be upset, he had no reason to be angry, and mostly he should just be grateful that Jim was acting all professional instead of making things even worse. Because he could, he just didn't want to.
He deserved better… Jim walked through the corridors, without really having a destination in mind. He just wanted to disappear. He was tired, and angry, and this was too much.
He entered the Botany lab, sighing. It was deserted, like Sulu had said it would be right before he told Jim to fuck off. He hadn't heard Sulu swear before, it was a first. He sat next to the plant he and Sulu had 'adopted', noticing its small flowers. It would be easier to be a plant, it meant less trouble. Why couldn't he be a plant, or a tree, or even a stupid dog instead of this problematic and useless person? He knew his thoughts barely made sense, but let's face it, Jim's thinking processes stopped making sense after Kevin's death.
"Sulu said you were sad because I haven't talked to you." Jim started speaking, feeling stupid. "I'm just going through a weird phase, it'll pass."
He looked at the plant, like he was expecting it to answer. That was even stupider. Jim shook his head. This whole mess was having weird effects on him.
"I'll talk and you'll listen because you're a plant, you can't talk or move or do anything. Sorry, that was mean, I guess you should feel privileged; it seems that I'm treating everyone I care about like trash lately. That includes you, by the way. You see, you're a plant, you can't imagine the pressure on your shoulders when people depend on you. Since I was a kid, everyone said that my father was a hero. My mother kept talking about him like he was alive, my brother hated it and I was the one stuck in the middle. I'm always the one stuck in the middle, not being able to do things my way but being responsible for it when things fail. And that sucks, let me tell you. The worst thing is that I know I'm being a jerk; I know I'm pushing people away, I know I'm making everyone hate me. But it's better to be alone than to get hurt when they leave, right? If you get attached to people, they'll leave eventually, it'll break you and you'll be left in pieces. Imagine someone taking your flowers and ripping them apart. That would suck, right? Well, for a human, it hurts, like, ten times more. Kevin didn't deserve to die, and Spock had no right to make that decision. He should have left us there, or he should have rescued us both. Or he should have rescued Kevin. He had no right, and Kevin had no right to die. I'm angry at them both, but Kevin is dead, so I guess I forgive him. I broke my promise, and I have all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. I vent, I get drunk, I punch things, I'm treating everyone like shit, and I still feel everything. Nothing helps me and I think that sucks. I just want to stop feeling like a failure. I just want –"
He hadn't cried since he was a child. He remembered that he'd cried when they beamed back after the mission, but it was blurry and besides it could be because he was trapped underground for almost six hours. Now, however, he had no excuse, except that he needed to cry. Tears kept falling down his cheeks and, repressing the urge to wipe them away and try to control it, Jim just kept crying. When he was angry, fighting always relieved his feelings and left him feeling a lot better. He didn't realize that crying had the same effect when you felt sad. Tears meant weakness to him, because you couldn't cry when you were having a hard time, you needed to act and fix things and not waste time on stupid sentimentalism.
It seemed that sometimes you needed to waste time on stupid sentimentalism after all.
Jim didn't know how long he had been crying, but eventually the tears stopped and he felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. He sighed. He'd tried to be strong and move on, but the truth was that he couldn't move on because he didn't even say goodbye to Kevin. He didn't have the chance to let him go, just like with his father. He hated how everything came down to his dad and his death. Whether he liked or not, that particular event had changed him, changed his fate and his life. Maybe that was why the other Jim Kirk was such a perfect Captain. That was probably how his life could have been if Nero hadn't been a resentful son of a bitch and altered their lives.
You can't compare your life to his. He wouldn't need to if his life didn't suck this much right now. One thing was true, though: he could have handled this better.
"You're a great listener," Jim said to the plant, touching a small blossom. "You could be an excellent shrink. You helped me more than those know-it-alls who talked to me after Tarsus. They kept pushing me to speak, you know? To share my feelings when I just wanted to forget. I don't react very well when people push me. Sulu said that you're developing awesomely; Spock would probably be lifting an eyebrow right now if he could hear me. What do you think, Lilly? Should I stop being a jerk and start acting like an adult again?"
The weird thing wasn't that Jim was asking a plant for its opinion, but that he actually interpreted the tiny blossom that started growing next to the one he was holding as an answer. Well, he'd done weirder things than listen to a plant. For the first time since he returned to the Enterprise after what had happened, Jim smiled sincerely. It felt good. Like a relief,
He stood up, petting the blossom one last time before getting out of there. He'd probably spent almost three hours there, good thing Sulu said the Botanic lab would be empty all night. When he arrived at his room, Bones was standing there, like he was expecting him.
"What's up?" Jim said casually.
"I'll tell you 'what's up'. Me waiting for you for two hours, where the hell have you been?" Bones glared.
"I was with Lilly." He should probably sound less proud.
"Right. Fine, don't tell me, I don't care. We need to talk."
No surprise that Bones didn't believe him. Jim had spent the last week alienating people, why would he want to be with a plant for hours? He was starting to understand the complexity of his relationship with his so called daughter. Sulu wasn't that nuts after all.
When they entered his room, Jim sat on the bed, expecting McCoy to start yelling. Bones just sat down next to him and put his hand gently on Jim's cheek.
"Jim, I'm worried about you," he said in a completely serious tone. "You told Spock about going away and he's freaking out. Sulu said you hurt his feelings and Chekov's pouting has reached unbearable levels; Scotty has a bunch of garlic on his console 'just in case' and Uhura said she bitch-slapped you. Honestly, I can't believe I missed all those things. What's happening, kid? I thought you said you were done acting out."
"I'm sorry." He honestly was sorry.
"Yeah, that doesn't quite cut it. It's about Riley?"
"I don't deal well with losses, Bones. I don't like forming attachments because then when I lose them it hurts, you know that. And I realized I'm becoming really close with all the crew, and I don't want to lose them like I lost Riley. If I push them away, it'll be easier."
Bones looked like he understood what Jim said, and smiled sympathetically. Then he slapped Jim on the back of his head. Really hard.
"Ouch! Hey! That hurt, you asshole!"
"Good. Because you're a moron. You don't push the people you love and care about away, stupid. If you want to be a high school girl over this, fine, but don't forget that we care about you too, I'm still not sure why. You don't get to be selfish and only think about you when others are involved. Did you stop to think about how much it would hurt us seeing you like that?"
"I was just –"
"No, of course not. You never stop to think about the consequences of your actions. Guess what? We feel bad too when you start treating us like trash. Did you honestly believe we'd just leave you?"
"Well, I thought that –"
"You should know better, you don't leave the people you love, what kind of idiot does that? It was a rhetorical question, I know you are that kind of idiot, you always complained about how people judged your mother because they thought she abandoned you after what happened to your father, and now you do the same?"
"Um, when you put it like that –"
"You're loved, Jim, people care if you die, if you're suffering, if you're happy… we care. Stop being selfish, you don't get to only think about yourself now. Not anymore."
Jim shut his mouth since Bones kept interrupting him anyway and considered his friend's words. He thought he was making the best choice, and had never stopped to think about whether it would affect the others. He'd just assumed that they would move on to other things and accept that Jim was a jerk who wasn't worth their time.
And that was the point right there. Jim didn't think he was worth their time, but they did think so. They appreciated him and tolerated him and even cared about him. Jim always thought that everyone else was more important than he was. He didn't expect other people to put him first as well.
He was an idiot.
"Are you even listening to me, you ass?" Bones clapped Jim's shoulder to get his attention.
"Yeah, I heard you." Well, at least he'd heard half of what he said, that counted for something.
"Then answer! Why did you tell Spock about your transfer?"
Oh. Jim didn't have an answer; he wasn't sure why he said it.
"I don't know, really. I argued with Sulu, Spock started questioning me about my attitude and I guess I just snapped."
"You just snapped?" Bones looked at him with mock incredulity.
"I admit it wasn't my finest move, okay?"
"It was the dumbest move you've made so far. Spock's all worried because you're going away and then he'll be left without his boyfriend."
"He was bound to find out eventually, right? He just found out sooner."
"You did it to punish him, right? To get back at him because you blame him for Riley's death."
"Spock couldn't care less if I go, how is that a punishment for him?"
"Don't, Jim. Don't throw your usual pity party thinking he doesn't care about you. The guy paged sickbay every day to see how you were doing, he talked to me to see how he could help you and now he's freaking out because you're leaving. Don't you dare say he don't care, because he does. Do you think it was easy for Spock to decide what do to? He's the Captain, every decision is on his shoulders; the last thing he needed was his First Officer, who's supposed to make his job easier, acting like a jerk and blaming him for something that wasn't his fault. You should know better Jim, you want to be a Captain as well, then put yourself in Spock's place for a moment and use that marvellous brain you claim to have. If Spock didn't care for you, trust me, you'd probably have ended up on trial for insubordination."
"You realize you're defending Spock, right?" said Jim after a prolonged silence.
"To be honest, I'm a little drunk. And if you tell anyone about it I'll deny it."
"Admit it Bones, you like our dearest Captain," Jim mocked.
"I admit he isn't a complete robot. Talk to him, Jim. You don't need to tell him about Tarsus, but he has the right to know why you were acting this stupid. You two need to clear things up."
Jim knew Bones was right. He was feeling better, and tomorrow he would apologize to Uhura and Sulu, he'd clarify to Scotty that the garlic wasn't necessary and he'd start speaking to Chekov again. The only thing he didn't know exactly how to handle was Spock. He'd said a lot of things last time he talked to the Vulcan, and even though Bones said he was freaking out, Jim felt like he'd just transfer him to save himself the trouble of dealing with this volatile (and crazy) human.
Bones suggesting that he give Spock a blowjob didn't help either. Jim was used to the jokes his friend made about him and Spock, but the fact that Jim was actually considering it was proof enough of his state of mind. He gave excellent blowjobs; Spock would forgive him right away. Still, that would be the easy way, and even though Jim was a little disturbed that he didn't find the idea of engaging in those activities with Spock repulsive, he knew it was stupid. Bones should have kept that particular suggestion to himself instead of sharing it and plaguing Jim's already vivid imagination with weird things. An image of the other Kirk kissing his own Spock's neck was the final touch to this and Jim blinked furiously, trying to remember what the main point of what he was considering was.
He needed to sleep. He was good at improvising. He would let things evolve naturally next time he saw Spock.
A/N: Next chapter will be cheerful, I promise! Thank you all for reading, and since I haven't said it in a while, special thanks to the amazing Anbessette who is my wonderful beta and endures all my rants and ramblings.