Chapter 3E: "Et lux in tenebris Lucet"
Jim was still thinking about what the best way to fix things was when he entered the mess hall. Now that he finally realized how much of a jerk he'd been, he also noticed the way everyone kept looking at him, like he had something contagious (although knowing Bones, they probably did believe he had something contagious). Jim classified the crew's behavior into two categories: fear and anger. The ones who were afraid looked at him like he was a rabid dog ready to bite. And the ones who were angry looked at him… like he was a rabid dog ready to bite, with the difference that they were ready to kick him out if he dared. Jim was resigned to just having breakfast and thinking some more about this, but then he saw Uhura having breakfast as well, alone. Okay, there was a big chance that she was accompanied by Spock, but Jim glanced around and didn't see the Vulcan anywhere. Following his impulsive, Jim walked over to Uhura's table and took a deep breath. He prepared himself for another slap, and probably a kick in the groin. Not that he would blame her, but perhaps he should have worn a cup to prevent any real damage. He doubted that Uhura was the only one wanting to kick him.
"Good morning, Lieutenant," Jim said.
Uhura glared and pretty much ignored him. Jim took this as a positive sign and sat down, trying to reorganize his thoughts and make some sort of sense out of them.
Jim was considering the best way to start this awkward conversation, when Uhura sighed loudly.
"Commander Kirk, I'm sorry for my behavior yesterday. I had no excuse in resorting to physical violence and I was out of line. I already talked with Captain Spock and if you want to press charges for insubordination, I'll accept the punishment Starfleet think suits best. I also apologize because I let my emotions cloud my judgment, you are a superior officer and I had no right in acting the way I did."
Well, that was the last thing Jim expected. To be honest, he didn't even consider that Uhura had been insubordinate and yes, she had been quite rude to a Commander, but then Jim had said bad things about Spock too, he kind of provoked the entire disaster. Jim didn't think Lieutenant Uhura was the one who slapped him, but the woman who cared about Spock and the rest of the crew. They all were mourning, and Jim being trapped in his own sorrow, didn't notice how all of them were acting out because they lost someone important. Kevin was important to everyone, and not just him. You couldn't ask for everyone to separate the human being from the post. Sometimes you act before you think about it; it shouldn't cost you everything you fought so hard to obtain.
Jim didn't care that Uhura had slapped him. It was what he needed it; he wasn't Commander Kirk when they talked. He was a jerk who was trying to get everyone pay for his own grief. He knew that if he gave Uhura an order, she would follow it without thinking it. She deserved a break, as much as he was trying to get a break from everyone around him. God knows what he would have done in Uhura's place, seeing your superior officer acting like a child, hurting everyone around him.
"I've been acting like an idiot as well," Jim said carefully "you were right about what you said yesterday, and I'm not justifying myself, but I suck at mourning and I wasn't ready for that. You always expect those you care about to be safe; you can't help blaming yourself when things end badly. I know you were rude to a superior officer, and I'm sure Captain Spock put a reprimand on your file, but you sometimes work with jerks, Uhura. You can't let emotions win every time, especially with someone like me on Command. This time I'll let it pass because it helped me in a strange way, however this can't happen again. You have a complaint, talk with the Captain, or me if it's about someone else on the ship."
"Yes sir, I apologize. It won't happen again, it was rude and offensive; I should have controlled myself better." Uhura didn't sound sarcastic or ironic, she even seemed remorseful.
"I should have been a better Commander." Jim smiled sadly "we all make mistakes, we should learn from them."
"I don't think you could have been a better Commander. I think you did what you could and yet it wasn't enough. I get the feeling. May I say something off the record?"
"Um… sure…" Jim wasn't sure if this was Uhura's polite request to insult him without consequences.
"I like you. I think you are good at what you do, and you have my support. It was hard seeing someone I respect acting like that; I just felt really helpless when I heard you yesterday. I lost control because I thought you would see things differently, however when I realized what I did I felt like a little girl who couldn't deal with things. Even if you kept your attitude, I still would have obeyed any order you gave me. My personal feelings shouldn't interfere with my job, and believe me, what happened yesterday won't repeat again, under any circumstances."
"You like me?" Jim was smirking because this was the last thing he would have expected to hear from Uhura.
"Don't let it go to your head, Commander. I have to ask…you really cared about Riley, right?" Uhura said.
Jim sighed. Most of the crew must know by now that he cared a lot about Riley, even though they didn't know the reason. It seemed stupid to respond aloud a question that he had been answering with his actions for the past two weeks, but Uhura was a smart girl. She must have been asking for a good reason and if it helped the process of putting what had happened behind them, Jim would answer her.
"I did. I know I've been emotionally compromised all this time; I'm trying to work on that. Honestly I don't know why Spock hasn't pulled that card and ordered me to go to a shrink or sent me away to some deserted planet." Jim was joking, but deep down he was curious about it. After all, he had acted like a complete lunatic when he practically told Spock he was leaving in five months and he could suck it and not bitch about it. Yeah, that was pretty dumb on Jim's part.
"Believe or not, Commander, we understand what it is to lose someone. Spock more than anyone. Just stop acting this way, okay? You aren't the only one affected by Riley's death. Don't make this a contest to see who cared about him more; we all cared."
When Jim imagined this talk with Uhura, it was completely different. He was dazed; he had expected a lot more yelling; Uhura was pretty pissed yesterday. And yes, he never thought about how she was out of line too and had been insubordinate, he thought he had to apologize and humiliate himself until he got Uhura talking to him again. He felt a small pang of angriness. He always assumed everything was his fault; that he was a failure and he was to blame when things fell down. He was a Commander now, even when it wasn't the Captaincy, he deserved respect and if he acted like a jerk, the crew had to respect him anyway.
Leadership was something Jim knew he had to earn. Respect, on the other hand, came with the post. He was so used to fighting for respect with others that sometimes he forgot he had a rank now that pretty much guaranteed that part. It was true, respecting a jerk was a challenge, yet they had to do it.
Jim perhaps was grateful that Uhura considered him some sort of friend to see him as a person and not the Commander when she was trying to get some sense into him. They needed to work boundaries though.
"I'm really sorry, Commander." Uhura said again, this time looking directly into Jim's eyes. He saw then how Uhura was truly apologetic about what happened. Losing someone was hard, it was probably the first time for Uhura and she had no idea about what Jim had to do to keep Kevin alive. She didn't know how Jim felt because she couldn't even imagine the bond between them. Jim thought about Sam. He reacted pretty much like Uhura when their mother put a plate on the table because their father 'was still with them'. He got angry, he yelled, he kicked things. Those who hadn't faced this kind of loss couldn't understand why the ones who had acted in extreme ways.
"I was expecting a punch," Jim said trying to joke and break the tension. No point in making Uhura felt more remorseful than what she already did. He was taken aback that Uhura cared this much about him, but still deep down Jim was wary, just in case Uhura wanted to take him by surprise and really throw a punch at him.
"Oh, I'm not the only one who wants to hit you, Commander. Since I already did, it seems unfair to take all the fun away from the rest of the crew." Uhura smiled, making Jim felt like things weren't that bad after all.
"I deserve it," he said, sighing.
"Commander Kirk doesn't deserve it. James Kirk, the one who has been a complete asshole to everyone who dared speaking to him sure does."
Jim and Uhura kept eating in silence, but Jim felt like Uhura had been way too easy to deal with. Maybe because she was a woman; she had a little more sensitivity than the rest. Recalling what had happened with Sulu, he thought that if he wasn't so fond of Lilly, he would probably have thrown it at Jim. Although thinking it over, he preferred that to dealing with Spock. He still didn't know how he was supposed to make amends with the guy. He was afraid that next time Spock saw him, he would just nerve-pinch him and when Jim woke up he would be on Delta Vega again, which right now seemed like paradise in comparison with having a chat with Spock about his idiocy. Admitting that you were wrong to a Vulcan was like opening Pandora's box. Terrible things would happen, but you didn't know just how awful they could be. Besides, this gave the all 'I'm never going to let Spock be on my case because I've done something wrong' stuff a whole new meaning since he had done something wrong and he'd worked so hard to prevent it… Irony kept butting into Jim's life so much that it wasn't funny anymore.
But then, was it ever funny?
"Kirk, are you okay? You're frowning and I'm about to slap you again with the risk of a trial for insubordination," Uhura said with concern, and Jim was touched that she cared enough to joke about slap him back to reality. Or maybe she would do it, who knows at this point.
"I'm fine. Hey Uhura, are you going to call me Jim again sometime soon?" Jim asked, because Uhura using his last name or his official rank felt incredibly uncomfortable.
"I thought you wouldn't want that, after the way I acted. I'm terribly sorry and I respect you, if you prefer we maintain a professional relation from now on, I'll endeavor to do so."
"Uhura, our relationship is strange. Remember when we first met? What was what you told me? 'I thought you were a dumb hick who only had sex with farm animals'. If that isn't friendship, I don't know what it is." Jim winked at her because that was one of his fondest memories of Uhura.
Uhura shook her head, smiling widely.
"Friends make mistakes," she said "if you don't mind, then I'll call you Jim again. I trust you, I know you will make things right."
"I don't mind, in fact it would help seeing a friendly face when I walk through the hallways. Everyone keeps glaring at me, even Bones and he is supposed to be my friend!"
When he said Bones, he noticed how Uhura smirked, like she knew something else.
"What?" He asked, fearing the answer.
"Oh… nothing; I can't say. Ask Leonard about it." she said, standing up. "Good day, Commander." Jim looked at Uhura, frowning "Jim."
"Good day Uhura."
"You can call me Nyota."
"Really?" Jim looked at her with surprise.
"Hey, I slapped you. I think you earned it." She said with affection.
Jim watched her leaving the mess hall and sighed. One down, four hundred and twenty one to go. Fortunately he was free today, so he had time to think about how to approach the others. He could make an announcement over the speakers and apologize to everyone once and for all. That seemed tacky though, and perhaps Spock would be even angrier if he used the ship's resources for personal use.
When he walked around the ship to see if that inspired him, Jim saw Sulu walking towards the Botany lab. Following his reckless instincts once again, he followed him in silence, trying to get a decent apology ready for when Sulu noticed his presence, given that if Sulu were already aware of his presence, he didn't say. He entered the lab, and it was deserted, again. Jim wondered what Sulu was doing to keep the lab completely empty.
"Okay, what do you want?" Sulu turned around, glaring at him. He was getting used to this glare thing everyone seemed to be so fond of. "If this is about my reprimand, Captain Spock already put a note on my record and if you want to add something you should talk to him. I know I was disrespectful, I got frustrated and I lost control, it won't happen again, sir."
Jim was speechless. What was he supposed to say? Using the same strategy he had employed with Uhura would be futile, he had actually had a fight with Sulu, or at least a strong disagreement which had led to Sulu telling him 'fuck you'. Maybe if he used the plant… no, that was petty. Wasn't it?
Yes, it was. He had to apologize sincerely and just go with the flow. Sulu reacted because Jim said pretty harsh things before Spock interrupted them. In fact he wondered why Sulu hadn't said anything about it to Spock, given that the Captain hadn't talk with him about yesterday's events.
"Um… I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I… you... were right… in a way."
"Are you saying you were wrong?" Sulu smirked.
"Not exactly." Jim would only admit to being wrong to Spock, and that was both because he was the Captain and because he was stronger than him. "I'm saying you were right, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to affect your work or anything."
"You think this is about Lilly, don't you? I just told you that to see if you'd finally react and snap out of your grieving. Although we like the Captain more right now, that doesn't mean that we don't care about you. We don't like you at the moment, but we worry about how you are. Or at least, I do. I acted out of line yesterday because I wasn't talking with my superior officer. I was talking to a person that I considered my friend."
"I'm sorry." Jim thought this fell short and Sulu deserved a better apology, but he didn't have one. He just had the honest 'I'm sorry'. He hoped that was enough.
"I'm sorry too. I was rude to you, I was just desperate. It was hard seeing you like this, I wanted to help and I did it wrong. I don't like you right now, but I won't be rude. I'll respect you as my superior officer and I'll leave our personal relationship aside."
Well, that didn't sound good. Jim considered Sulu a friend too, and he knew that when you were working with friends, sometimes you forget about posts or responsibilities. You just see your friend being stupid and have to act. He and Bones had their fair share of this when they were in the Academy. He understood Sulu; besides Jim hadn't been that respectful to superior officers either.
"Let's try not to mix the friendship into business" Jim suggested "I know I pushed your buttons yesterday, I said really hurtful things. I'm sorry, I knew I was getting on your nerves and yet I pushed you to the limit. What you said to me doesn't compare with what I told you, do you want me to tell the Captain?"
"It's fine." Jim notices how Sulu winced slightly, probably remembering what Jim said. It had been petty, hurtful and wrong, Jim knew it. "If you want me to like you again, you are going to be spending more time with Lilly."
"What? You have the upper hand here, and that's all you're asking for? You could make me dance naked in front of everyone, and you ask me to spend time with the plant?"
"First, I don't have any interest in seeing you naked, and I wouldn't want to put the Crew through any more punishment –"
"Hey!"
"Second," Sulu ignored Jim's protest "I don't like taking advantage of other people."
"But you are making me spend time with the plant; doesn't that count as taking advantage?" Jim frowned. He was sure it counted.
"No, you are required to spend time with your daughter, and I'm just making sure of that. And stop calling her a plant, that's also a requirement if you want me to like you again. If you stop being a jerk and come by at least every two days, everything will be forgotten. However, I must warn you that every time you call her a plant I'll put poison ivy in your pants; I'm just telling you so we are clear on that."
"I don't want to know how you could accomplish that," Jim sulked.
"You're right, you don't." Sulu smiled.
"Okay then. I think I can do that." Jim smiled too, feeling better about this.
"And to be fair, Commander, I've always wanted to say those words to a superior officer. I think we're even." Sulu extended his hand.
"Only if you call me Jim again." Jim took Sulu's hand in a firm grasp.
"I think I can do that." Sulu replied, smirking.
"Okay, two down, four hundred and twenty to go," Jim said, resigned. This was going to be a long day.
"I'm sure you'll have a productive day," Sulu laughed. "Oh, and Jim…?"
"Yeah?"
"You know we have holocams here in the lab, right?"
Jim paled. They what? Of course they had holocams, every damn department had holocams. Suddenly the memories of the night before came rushing back, and Jim blushed furiously. Great, now he was the laughingstock of the botany club. Karma was a bitch.
"Don't worry," Sulu said quickly. "I was the only one who saw the holovid and I have the file secured. Besides, it doesn't have sound. It was nice, though, Lilly has two new blossoms and I think we have to thank you for that."
"You are destroying that, right?" Jim looked at Sulu with pleading eyes.
"No, it's blackmail material for when you decide to be a jerk again. I can't use the pictures anymore."
"What pictures?" Jim asked, curious.
"You don't know?" Sulu smirked in the same way Uhura did "ask doctor McCoy about it."
Yes, karma was a bitch, definitely.
Jim had been walking towards the Bridge to ask Spock if he could talk to him alone, but he'd decided to leave the best for last. The truth was that he'd chickened out at the last minute and just pressed a random button in the lift. That was how he ended up in the Transporter room. He saw Scotty working on the console, without noticing his presence. He also noticed the garlic on top of it. Bones wasn't kidding, then.
"Good morning, Scotty," Jim said to get his attention.
"Commander Captain!" Scotty said, startled. "Good morning."
"How are you?"
"I've been better, Keenser lost my notes. He is banned from here until he finds them."
"What's up with the garlic?" Jim had to ask.
"Oh, it keeps him away, he can't stand the smell. The garlic stays until I have my notes back."
Well, at least that was logical; Bones had just misinterpreted Scotty, or at least Jim hoped he had. This was an elaborated lie for Scotty to have improvised in such a short amount of time. Then again, Jim was an expert on lies, it could be done.
"So Scotty, you've probably noticed my behavior lately."
"Nyota said you were a complete jerk and she wanted to kick you in the nuts. I suspected that something was wrong. I don't spend that much time with the Bridge gang; I don't know the gossip until days later. You're transferring to the USS Archimedes? I heard someone saying that their first officer was injured and you were a candidate for his replacement."
"Um, Scotty, that was last month and I already rejected the post." Jim couldn't help smile. Scotty only focused on his machines.
"That's great, you sure are a fun Commander Captain. You're needed here."
"I don't think everyone agrees with you, but thanks."
"They won't admit it, but they know it's true."
Jim didn't know if he should apologize to Scotty. He seemed oblivious about what had been happening lately, and if he knew, he was faking ignorance very well.
"I'm sorry for Riley's death. He was a fine lad, really smart."
"The crew seemed fond of him."
"Aye, but you took the parental role with him; it must be harder for you."
Jim was wide-eyed. How did Scotty know that?
"It's pretty obvious," Scotty added when he noticed the look on Jim's face. "Even though you have the tiny lass and the plant, you seemed really invested in Riley's safety."
Jim evoked the memory of when he beamed back up to the ship. Bones had held him tightly, but Scotty looked at both of them with sorrow and understanding. Scotty got what Jim felt. Perhaps that was why, of all the crew members, he was the one who kept his distance and waited for Jim to approach him. He waited until Jim was ready to speak to him. Jim didn't know if Scotty knew exactly why Jim took 'the parental role' with Riley, nor did he care. Scotty got it, and that was what counted.
Jim didn't think that Scotty had experienced something similar, he was just this empathetic. He was a reserved guy, he rarely shared anything personal and just listened to everything around him.
"Does this mean that I don't have to apologize to you?" Jim asked after a prolonged silence.
"I don't want to kick you in the nuts, if that's what you're asking," Scotty shrugged. "I just fix machines, Commander Captain."
Jim understood the unsaid message: It's not my business, I don't judge. Scotty was awesome.
"Good, keep it that way," smiled Jim.
Three down… and he'd better stop keeping count.
Jim found Chekov in the Recreation room, glancing at a pack of cards and looking resigned. Jim felt a pang of guilt. Of all the crew, Chekov was the one Jim always felt a soft spot for; he was young, eager to serve and a genius. He resembled Jim, but shyer and more measured. Jim sat down in front of Chekov, noticing how as the young Ensign looked at him, he glanced around nervously as well. He probably was thinking of a way to escape from Jim.
"What are you playing?" asked Jim, smiling.
Chekov frowned, maybe considering whether or not it was wise to answer that question.
"Solitaire. Lately none of the crew wants to play poker."
Jim had instituted poker night as a way to relieve stress and get to know the crew better. It didn't make sense that they stopped because Jim had isolated himself from them. But then he remembered what Bones said. He was important to them, whether Jim believed that or not. They probably weren't in the mood for playing without him, and Jim felt something warm in his chest. It was nice to know the others cared about him, even when he had a hard time accepting it.
"How about we play one game? Winner has to hide Bones' hyposprays and take the blame when he finds out."
Chekov lightened up immediately and nodded enthusiastically. As they played, Jim acted like nothing had happened and Chekov played along very well. Jim knew Chekov hated confrontation, and he didn't need an apology. He needed things to go back to the way they were, and that was enough for him.
Jim thought it was enough for him as well.
Bones didn't need an apology either. After all, he was his best friend, he had to take Jim's crap because it was implied in their friendship. Still, Jim stopped by Sickbay to prove to Bones that he was done moping.
"My hyposprays are missing," Bones said as soon as Jim entered his office. Chekov was definitely fast. "And I know you had something to do with it. If you don't want them up your ass next time you come here with an injury, they better appear soon."
"Why do you always blame me? Ask Chapel. She works here."
"She was having dinner with Rand when someone entered, I'm guessing either it was you, or someone moronic enough to follow your lead. I want them on my desk tomorrow morning or else you are paying for that."
"You're very grouchy. Who pissed you off?"
Bones fidgeted. He actually fidgeted, and that made Jim apprehensive. He'd already had his share of bad things this month; he couldn't take any bad news. Yet seeing Bones like that meant that he was receiving some anyway. Jim sat down because he was sure that his friend was about to tell him to anyway. If he had bad news, he always asked Jim to sit down, as if that would help him endure it.
"I talked to Pike…" Bones began, clearing his throat. Oh, this was going to be good, Pike was involved.
"He loves you back?" Jim tried to ease the tension since Bones was being all serious. It worked, Bones smiled.
"He wishes. Jim, he asked to pass along a message since he had the strange impression that you don't want to talk with him."
"That's because I don't. As far as I'm concerned, Spock can deal with the Admirals and I'll just nod all the way."
"Jim, Pike couldn't have prevented what happened. If I recall correctly, you also almost died on one of your stupid survival trainings. I couldn't sleep for two days because you were in the ICU."
"That's different, I didn't die, and Riley did. Why are you on his side, anyway? You are my damn friend; first you took Spock's side, now Pike's. Who's next? The stupid plant?"
"I'll tell Sulu you said that…" Bones looked smug and Jim cursed. It hadn't even been a day and he'd called Lilly a plant again. Sulu had probably made an announcement about how he was punishing Jim if he called her a plant again. "And I'm not taking sides, chill the fuck out."
"Well, when you put it that eloquently…" Jim sneered.
"Look… there's going to be a memorial service for Riley and those two cadets who died on other missions. And three members of the Pegasus' crew died too, the one in the cave and another two who were in really bad shape."
"And as usual Starfleet wants to make the offer 'five deaths and the next one gets a free Memorial service'."
"It's more like 'we don't have enough money to pay the same guy to come and talk about death at six different memorials and we hate dressing up so we're only doing it once and you can suck it'."
"That's more elaborate," Jim smirked. "I'll stick with mine. So, there's going to be a memorial… what? Pike wants me to talk like they ask me to talk about my father every year?"
"No. He said that if you want to go, you have the Admiralty's permission and Spock probably won't decline. It's in five days, and we're close to Earth, you can get there in four days on a shuttle."
Jim hadn't considered this. There was bound to be a memorial, Starfleet always did that because they thought a few words 'honored' the memory of those who had lost their lives 'in the line of duty'. The truth was that those who spoke at the memorials knew very little about the ones who had passed away. Yet Jim felt that he needed to go anyway.
And he had to ask Spock's permission for that. This was getting better and better.
"Okay… anything else?"
"No; we laughed at your pictures. Oh, didn't I tell you? I put makeup on you when you had your drunken breakdown, courtesy of Rand and then Chapel let me borrow one of her skirts. Then I took pictures and sent them to all the crewmembers, nominating you for 'Miss Starfleet'. Spock said that if I continue using my PADD with unprofessional and extremely illogical intentions he'll ban me from the shared connection. He lectured me for an hour about 'appropriate use of resources' and 'respect for fellow officers' and I think he put a reprimand on my file, but it was totally worth it. Uhura also said that I used the word 'miss' very loosely in this."
Jim knew it was true because he had heard Chapel telling Rand that blue was definitely his color in eye shadow. He had blue eyes, how could blue makeup be beneficial for him anyway? Worse, why was he thinking about it? Now what Uhura and Sulu said made sense. He couldn't get mad at Bones, though. It made the forgiveness process easier, and now he understood why everyone kept glancing at his legs and hadn't been giving him a hard time about his nasty attitude. Maybe he could use this as a way to break the ice with Spock as well.
"Pike said you could win if you shaved your legs," added Bones, grinning madly. Now he looked like that crazy doctor they saw in that old TV musical. Programs from the XXI century were really weird.
"I admire the effort you put into dressing me up and putting makeup on me, taking pictures and then washing the makeup off and dressing me back to normal. Although I made it pretty easy for you, I was completely wasted."
"If you want the pictures I can send them to your PADD."
"Just for morbid curiosity, you do that. I bet I'm still hot, though."
"I wouldn't marry you."
They laughed, and Jim knew everything would be fine eventually. This time, he did believe it.
As he walked through the hallways, Jim noticed the crew watching him warily, but with a certain amusement in their eyes that now made sense. He probably misread the enjoyment earlier thinking it was some sort of angriness. Jim appreciated a good prank, and he knew Bones did it because he was acting like a jerk, though if he had been Captain he would probably have reprimand Bones for it. Maybe if he had been Captain, Bones wouldn't have done it in the first place. Jim had to stop doing this, asking 'what if' every time things got difficult.
"Commander." Yeoman Rand interrupted his thoughts.
"Good evening, Yeoman," Jim smiled. "I heard your makeup worked miracles on my face."
At least Rand had the decency to blush, unlike Bones, who was shameless enough to admit what he did and laugh right in Jim's face.
"Doctor McCoy said you wouldn't find out and that we –"
"It's okay Rand, relax. As long as the crew don't forget that I'm still First Officer on this ship." Jim winked.
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Captain Spock made things clear at the staff meeting. He forbade us from talking about the incident and said that if anyone sends the picture to the crewmembers who didn't receive it, he will transfer them."
Spock was defending his honor? That was unexpected, especially after the show Jim put on in front of the Vulcan yesterday. Spock kept surprising Jim and he didn't know if that was a good thing. He could be offended because Spock called for a staff meeting and didn't include him, but he probably deserved it and Spock knew he had no shift today.
"That's good to know," was the only thing Jim could say.
"So, Commander, I need your signature on these forms." Rand tried to look calm, but Jim noticed the small tremor in her hands.
When Jim grabbed the PADD, he realized why. It was Spock's briefing about the events of the last mission. Even though Starfleet apparently considered Spock's version sufficient, they still needed both of their signatures. Jim signed quickly, trying to subdue the bitterness this would always bring every time he remembered what had happened. Then when he was on the last form, he noticed it was different from the others. This was about a change of course… to Earth.
"Yeoman, who authorized this detour in our course?" Jim asked. If Bones had meddled in this and gone to Spock behind his back, he would kill him.
"Captain Spock," Rand said quickly. "We only need your signature to fulfill the order."
He would kill Bones, definitely. Spock had written 'six month review' as the grounds for the order; he could have come up with a better excuse, Admirals only did reviews every year. Sighing, Jim returned the PADD to Rand.
"Uhm… Commander… you didn't sign the last one… and Captain Spock said that this needed to be done immediately." Rand stuttered, and Jim didn't blame her. Being in the middle of the two people in command was never fun.
"I need to speak with the Captain before I sign this one. Send a copy to my personal terminal, and I'll sign it after I clarify a few things with him." Jim tried to look calm, but Rand kept fidgeting like she feared Jim was going to yell at her for this. He really needed to do damage control, a picture of him dressed up like a woman couldn't work miracles. "Dismissed, yeoman."
"Yes sir, I'll send you the copy. Excuse me."
Rand fled as soon as Jim nodded. Okay, he had been avoiding this chat with Spock for as long as he could; now it seemed that he couldn't prevent it any longer. Taking a deep breath, he walked directly to one of the nearest terminals.
"Computer, what is the location of Captain Spock?"
"Captain Spock is located on Observation Deck 4."
Spock only visited the Observation decks when he wanted to think about things and make decisions, and Jim was surprised that he knew this information. When had he become so aware of Spock's habits and personal routines? He would analyze this later; he had more important things on his plate right now.
Walking as slow as he could, Jim directed his course to the Observation deck, considering what he would say. Spock, I appreciate the change of course, but it's not necessary. By the way, I'm sorry for being a dick, I was on meds. No, that was… well, it was good, but somehow Jim felt Spock would need a somewhat more in-depth explanation about what happened. Besides, every time Jim used the word dick in his chats with Spock he asked him to define it, knowing too well that it implied a certain male part that had nothing to do with the conversation and that Jim used as an insult. At least he'd stopped doing that with ass when Bones went graphic about it. Captain Spock, I owe you an apology, I was rude and out of line and if you decide to transfer me, that's okay and I understand. Also, you don't need to reroute the ship to Earth, I can go on a shuttle and I won't waste the Enterprise's resources. Jim's head hurt just thinking about this. It was far too formal and it sounded phony even to him. It wasn't like Jim couldn't pull it off; he was a great actor, but Spock deserved better. And if he had been honest with every crew member up until this point, why shouldn't he be honest with Spock? The worst thing that could happen was that Spock would nerve-pinch him and then he would wake up either on Delta Vega, Earth or some unknown planet.
Jim was about to enter the Observation deck, when he noticed Spock with Uhura. Somehow he felt a pang of annoyance; lately he had been feeling these small flashes of irritation or frustration when he saw Spock with the Lieutenant, which was stupid because he and Spock were barely friends. It must be because of the other set of memories he had in his head and still hadn't done anything about. He assumed emotional transference was part of the deal. Maybe he in some way felt aggravated for the other Kirk, seeing his boyfriend or whatever being groped by someone else. Something like transferred jealousy? Because he certainly wasn't jealous of Spock and Uhura! They could do anything they wanted to for all Jim cared; so he must be upset for the other Kirk, maybe his head didn't understand that this Spock wasn't that Spock and no one was cheating on anyone… this was getting more confusing with each passing day. Deep down, Jim was reluctant to tell the Ambassador about the memories because of course he would want to remove them. Jim didn't want to. Not because he enjoyed seeing the love fest between that Kirk and the Ambassador, he could live fine without those images. It was mostly because those memories showed him what he could be doing right now. They showed what Jim was capable of if he put his mind to it, and what he could aspire to become. It was odd, his father had inspired to become greater than him, and these memories were basically fulfilling that purpose at the moment. He stopped thinking about surpassing his father and focused on surpassing himself.
Thinking about it made him feel stupid.
"… be okay," he heard Uhura saying a little louder. He realized that he had been standing there for a while, yet they didn't seem to notice his presence.
"Indeed." Spock sounded resigned.
He turned around, deciding to wait for Spock to head back to his quarters to talk to him, when he heard Uhura calling him. Great, now they would think he was nosy or creepy; maybe both.
No point in pretending he didn't hear. He put on his best smile and turned back.
"Yes, Lieutenant?"
"Are you looking for someone?" Uhura asked with too much glee for Jim's taste.
"Oh, I… well…" This reminded Jim a lot of when he was in Pike's office because he did something illegal, or that time his mother had to bail him out because he drove his father's car off a cliff. He was just as eloquent as he was back then too. "Um… I just wanted to see if the Captain was… available… for… conversation." Dammit, why was he so nervous?
Spock arched an eyebrow, and Uhura smirked. She actually smirked. Jim tried not to blush; his failed thought process was bad enough without adding more humiliation.
"You're lucky then, I was about to retire for the night." Uhura kept smirking. "Good night, Captain, Commander."
"Good night." They both answered at the same time, and Jim locked his eyes on the floor, avoiding Spock's gaze and trying to quickly think of what to say when Uhura left the room.
Uhura patted him gently on the arm, and when he dared to look at her she smiled, winking at him. Perhaps she'd taken pity on him and smoothed things over with Spock.
Noticing that they were completely alone now, Jim tried to say something to break the ice without being too obnoxious. He tended to make smart-ass comments when he felt anxious.
"I was under the impression that you wanted to talk to me, Commander," Spock said after they just stayed silent for a while. Apparently Jim wasn't good at starting conversations without being obnoxious.
"Um, yeah." Jim entered the Observation deck, looking everywhere but at Spock. He stood a safe distance away from him, just in case.
"Then I am afraid I do not understand your sudden silence." Jim noticed how Spock tilted his head.
This was stupid. What Jim could possibly say that would actually make things worse? He'd already pretty much burned every bridge between him and Spock. It wasn't like he could say something and screw things up when they were already screwed. Well, he could bring Spock's mom into the conversation. That could sure make things worse. Not that Jim would do it; he just imagined that there was undeniably a way to screw things up a lot more.
"Commander?"
Right, he was supposed to say something. Anytime now would be great.
"Sorry… I just spaced out. Look Spock… the thing is… sorry, Captain… I didn't mean to get personal; I know I don't have the right to, so, Captain, the thing is… I'm a dick…" Jim was about to beat himself unconscious and save both of them the trouble. Hadn't he planned to make at least some sense?
Spock only kept the 'What the hell?' eyebrow up. Well, the fact that he was still there suggested that maybe Spock wasn't that angry at him.
"Let me rephrase that," Jim said before Spock decided to just blow him off. "I know I've been emotionally compromised all this time. I know I acted immaturely, and I was insubordinate. I also know that you are probably considering transferring me, and I'll accept that. I just…"
You don't have to tell him about Tarsus. Jim felt like right now, that was the only thing he could share to make Spock understand what had happened with him. He had to tell Spock.
"I want to tell you something, but I'd prefer to move this conversation to my quarters… is that okay?"
Jim finally dared to look at Spock. He expected to see disapproval or the reluctance in his eyes; he was surprised to see only indulgence and a small hint of warmth there.
"Certainly, Commander."
Hearing this and seeing Spock that open made Jim's heart skip a beat and he felt some sort of flutter in his stomach. This must be another transferred emotion, Jim had no reason to feel this happy… or maybe a little of it was his and the rest was from the other Kirk. It didn't make any sense, yet Jim had to believe it.
Without saying another word, Jim headed to his quarters, followed closely by Spock. Jim entered his code and invited Spock in. Jim didn't plan to open his heart and tell Spock about everything on Tarsus. He'd promised himself that when he was ready, the first person who would hear this was Bones. Because he was his best friend, because he was the first one who cared enough to dig into Jim's past and because he was the only person who stuck with Jim no matter how much of an ass he was from time to time.
He would keep the conversation as impersonal as possible; just enough for Spock to get the picture.
After gesturing for Spock to take a seat whenever he liked, Jim sat down in front of his terminal. What was the best way to initiate this conversation? He could give a speech about how the obstacles in our lives could be difficult to overcome… God, now he sounded like one of those shrinks who tried to 'help him'.
Spock was respectfully silent, like he knew that Jim needed a few minutes to get things clear in his head. Jim was grateful, and felt that flutter in his stomach again.
"Captain… have you heard about Tarsus IV?"
A/N: This was a more cheerful chapter, right? (in my mind I thought so, but I don't trust it that much). Merry Christmas, everyone! Yes, a little late, but my best wishes for all of you and your beloved ones and I hope you had a great Holiday. Especial thanks to my wonderful beta, Anbessette, who still endures my random ramblings and thank you Darkgirl5 for your help in this chapter as well, I couldn't have done it without your amazing assistance and disposition.