NOT cannon-compliant with any films released after The Avengers.
Oh, and Loki was under the Scepter's/Glow-stick of Destiny's influence during the events of The Avengers (Thanos was puppet-mastering him), and is kinda-sorta trying to make up for what he did by kinda-sorta playing nice, so he's kinda-sorta on the good guys' side. Maybe.
S.H.I.E.L.D. base, U.S.A.
August 28 0751 Hours
Nobody in the world can give a better "evil eye" than Nick Fury. Of course, that could be due to him only having the one eye. My theory goes something like this: if a bi-ocular person (meaning a person with two eyes) tried to give an "evil eye", then the evilness would be distributed between the eyes—you know, like half the evil in the left eye and half the evil in the right eye. With Fury though, he only has the one eye, so all the evil is expressed in one lens.
Either that, or he's just really, really good at being scary.
And I'm hard to scare. I watch horror movies. I go on all the rides and haunted mazes at Busch Garden's Howl-O-Scream thing. I even stick around when an alien machine-thing comes down to Earth and tries to kill a whole bunch of people by shooting fiery destructo-rays out of its face. Doesn't faze me.
I ain't gonna mess with Fury, though. Especially now—the guy's on the warpath about something. Okay, the Glare is panning around the room (Avengers and Associates, as I call us, are assembled as ordered around the huge briefing room table). I wait for the Glare to land on the person who's ass I bet Fury is gonna kick to Helheim. The Evil Eye skips over Bruce and Steve (no surprise—goody-two-shoeses), skips over me (I'm next to Steve!) and Jane and Pepper, skips over Tony (shockingly) and Clint and Natasha and Thor, skips over Loki (WHAT THE FUCK? Fury is pissed and Loki is NOT involved? Kudos.), and lands on: Doug. Dougan? What could he have done? Dougan's almost as goody-two-shoes as Steve (though not as hot); I mean, the guy's an actual Eagle Scout, for crying out loud! He's not even an Avenger (not really an Associate either, I suppose); he's head of base security.
Oh. I lean towards Steve and stand up on my tippy toes (I think the super-soldier-serum guy overdid it with the Skele-Gro). "Security breach," I whisper. A few heads (including Steve's!) glance my way, but thankfully Fury is too intent on Dougan to waste a Death Glance on me. I half-expect poor Doug to burst into flames any second now. Gotta give him credit though, 'cause he straightens up, looks Fury in the eye (damn!) and just says: "Sir?"
Scratch credit—that guy deserves a whole credit card. A platinum one.
Fury tilts his head back a smidgeon and puts his hands on his hips, flaring out his long coat in one swift move. I wonder if he studied theater.
"Why," Fury begins, his voice somewhere between Darth Vader and Clint Eastwood at his most badass. There is a pause. A silent one. "Are there six dead HYDRA goons in the Cube room?" His tone is flatter than my feet, which I promptly drop back down onto. HYDRA here? Like, inside our secure pseudo-military base here? In the Cube room? The Cube room is at least five floors below ground level and pretty much dead center in the base. And apparently HYDRA managed to get there. I hope someone has a phone number for Dougan's next of kin.
A quick glance around the room tells me that most of Avengers and Associates have figured it out too. Bruce looks worried but is keeping his cool, of course. Steve (!) is horrified and tense, like it's all he can do not to dash to the scene of the crime right this instant. Jane and Pepper seem concerned with a dash of spooked, Tony is appropriately and therefore surprisingly serious (power sources are kinda his thing after all, and the Cube like the mother of all power sources). Clint looks intent. Natasha looks intent to kill. Thor seems perplexed as to why we're all just standing here instead doing something about the crisis. Loki is, as usual, composed with an air of polite interest. Dougan looks like he just got hit with a two-by-four.
"Sir?" Clint dares to ask. "You said 'six dead HYDRA goons', sir?" Wow, Clint doesn't usually do the whole "Sir! Yes, sir!" thing, but I guess he's playing it safe. And he has a good point: if no one knew said goons were here, then who killed them? Everybody looks at Fury, but Phil walks through the door just in time to catch Clint's question.
"Six dead and a seventh in custody," Phil says to the room, then turns to address Fury directly. "The bodies have been moved to the morgue. Doctor Sidnor is looking over them now."
"Did they get to the Cube?" Steve asks suddenly and a bit too loudly, making me jump. Fury finally turns around, the Eye not quite so Evil, but still Seriously Miffed.
"No. But if one of their team hadn't turned traitor, then they would have." There are a few hasty glances toward Loki at the word 'traitor'. Poor guy.
Steve nods and relaxes ever so slightly, then looks to Phil.
"You said you caught one of the HYDRAs?" he asks, at normal volume. Phil nods. "They usually bite a suicide pill if they're captured. Did-?"
"The prisoner has been thoroughly searched and scanned, Captain Rogers. No poison was found." Phil assures. Steve looks more confused than assured, though. I think he's right to be. HYDRA is usually pretty consistent, so what's with this guy letting himself get caught? Something is wrong about this, and I'm not gonna let it slide.
"Why?" I ask, and everybody looks at me. Evil Eye. I stand up straighter (five foot five). "Why'd the seventh goon turn on his buddies? Did he try to take the Cube all for himself, or something?" Avengers and Associates look expectantly at Fury and Phil, the latter of whom glances to the former before answering.
"Looks like it, but it's too late to ask him to confirm that theory."
"I thought you said you had him in custody," Bruce unexpectedly chimed in. That's what it sounded like to me, too, so I look back at Phil for clarification. I think Phil thinks in different ways than most people, and can get a little frustrated when they don't keep up with him.
"No. It was a team of seven. One member went rogue and tried to kill the other six, but the last one reacted in time, and killed the rogue member in self-defense," Phil clarified. Sort of. I decide to clear it up even more.
"So the seventh goon tried to kill the other six goons, but the sixth goon got the drop on the seventh goon and killed him first, and it's the sixth goon that you have in custody because the other six goons are dead?" Twenty-one eyes look at me like I'm a Gordian Knot. I grin.
Avengers and Associ—screw it, A&A (but not AA(except for maybe Tony))—are filing into an observation room to get a look at the goon. As part of the second A group, I'm pretty much the last one in. From the front of the cramped little room, near the one-way glass, comes what sounds like an appreciative wolf-whistle. Huh? Other whisperings and mutterings start, mostly along the lines of "What the…?" and "You've got to be kidding."
Five foot five doesn't do much good with people like Thor and Steve around. Five foot five jumping up and down is still futile. I know from experience. Steve got the funniest look on his face the first time he saw me doing that!
I squish against the wall and scooch past Phil and Bruce and peer around Pepper so I can see through the glass. My jaw drops. The HYDRA goon is…a girl. A regally hot, gorgeously blonde, girl. Well, a woman, actually, not a girl, but still. Whaaat?
I look at Tony; this should be good. A full-out appraising and appreciative smirk on his face, Tony opens his mouth to speak. He pauses, and glances at Pepper (his girlfriend), then closes his mouth again. Rats! I was hoping for some epic candidness. Still, that's a major step forward of a different kind. Since I'm standing behind Pepper anyway, I hug her. Anyone awesome enough to make Tony Stark censor himself is irrefutably hug-worthy. Pepper is completely confused, though. I wish I had a camera to capture the expression on her face, but I don't, so I just smile at her and let go.
"So, does HYDRA employ supermodels, or did April Fool's Day get here really really early?" I ask, because it didn't seem like anyone else was going to. Since I'm looking right, toward Phil, I see Bruce, behind me, frown confusedly. I lean toward him and whisper "It's August right now." Poor guy spends too much time in his lab. Then I notice that most everyone else is staring at me in horror. Then I realize why.
"Oh shit."
I did it. I said the words. I said 'April Fool's Day'.
In front.
Of.
Loki.
The second I look at him, he figures it out. The next second, when everyone else looks at him, his face shows nothing but sincere puzzlement.
We are all so seriously screwed.