Chapter 4B: "Potius sero quam nunquam"

Spock was still wary of the current situation. At first he thought he had been abducted from his house; his father was an ambassador and he was probably a good target for several groups who intended to make a political statement. Even more so than his mother, given that he was the first hybrid child. Vulcans did not truly accept him, but they would do something if he was kidnapped. However, after hearing Jim's explanation, he believed what he had said. It was illogical since he did not know of a device that could convert living things to an earlier stage of development, but this was one of the reasons why Starfleet had always caught his attention. He planned on joining if he was not accepted by the Vulcan Science Academy, and apparently he had not been since he was Captain of this vessel. This caused a small pang of disappointment in Spock. Joining the Academy would have been an incredible accomplishment, particularly when everyone thought he was not capable of doing it given his 'disadvantage'. Perhaps they were right.

"You seem like a healthy nine year old Vulcan," Doctor McCoy said in what sounded like a resigned tone.

Spock did not know what to say to this statement; he remained silent as he watched the doctor ruminate out loud about what Spock assumed was a failed mission. The good doctor was using curse words that were inappropriate given his rank, yet he did not seem to mind. Healers were highly respected on Vulcan for the noble labor they performed, however the people there had not encountered a human healer. He doubted that someone would have that kind of respect for a doctor who acted the way McCoy did.

Reflecting on his situation again, he wondered why was not he more apprehensive about what was happening. True, he believed Jim's story, and it made sense in an odd way; still, the facts remained the same. He was a child on an unknown ship without any memory of his training or his future life. As much as it pained him to admit it, he needed his mother's guidance to feel secure; although Jim filled that role in this moment, even if he was not aware of it. The human had this warm energy like his mother, it made Spock feel comfortable. And the human was his friend. His friend, when he had already reconciled himself to the fact that he would always be alone and had convinced himself that he did not needed any social reinforcement. That he finally had someone who was entirely his made him feel happy, even when he knew he should not. He had to share his mother with his father, and it was illogical since they were not competing for his mother's attention, but sometimes Spock felt he had to, and then when he did have the attention, he felt overwhelmed. That did not mean he did not want it, though. In this case, a friend meant that Spock had a person in whom he could confine his deepest thoughts and desires, and he would not be judged for them. A friend… Spock tried not to smile at the thought.

He glanced at McCoy, who was still muttering about the mission. Then he said something about Jim, and Spock perked up to hear what he was saying.

"… and leaving me here as a babysitter. Why can't I say 'no' to his stupid pleading baby blue eyes?"

Spock frowned, and then he remembered that McCoy also called Jim by his given name. They must be friends too. As his mother was fond to say 'it was too good to be true' that Jim, with that warmth emanating from him, could have only one friend. How could he be satisfied with Spock's friendship alone when he could get something more suited for a human from another human?

Although, hearing McCoy's tone and rude demeanor, he wondered if he was indeed more suited or Jim just took pity on him. It was clear that the doctor did not have any social skills – not that he should be judging that, but he was a Vulcan. He had a legitimate reason for his social incapacity to bond with others: too Vulcan for humans and too human for Vulcans. McCoy was fully human and probably raised on Earth. Besides, he was an adult, he should behave better than this.

"What?" McCoy looked at him angrily.

Spock tilted his head.

"Of course, I should have guessed you'd be as chatty and charming as you were at twenty eight," McCoy fumed.

"I am twenty eight years old?"

"It's not important anyway." McCoy waved his right hand as a dismissal.

"When will be Jim coming back?"

"He's busy, okay?"

"That does not answer my query."

"Tough luck; it's the only answer you're getting."

This man was infuriating. Spock decided it was best to distract himself until Jim was free to show him the ship, even when that would do nothing to resolve this problem. Jim had said that his last name was 'Kirk'. Could he be related to George Kirk, the Starfleet Captain who died during the Kelvin incident? If he was twenty eight, Jim must be close to that age. Spock started calculating the dates, and found it plausible that Jim was the younger son of George and Winona Kirk. The child who was born when George Kirk died.

To confirm his theory, he had to ask McCoy. If Jim was indeed son of George Kirk, he probably would not appreciate it if Spock asked him questions about it.

"May I ask a question?" Spock said in his best polite voice.

McCoy stopped writing and glanced at him with a frown.

"You can ask, but I don't promise you'll get an answer."

"Very well. Is Jim related to George Kirk?"

"He's his son," answered McCoy after three point five minutes of silence.

"I see."

"You know about what happened?" McCoy got closer to him.

"I read about it. He was a hero, and saved over eight hundred lives. Jim must be proud of him."

"That's not the word I would use, but he sure feels something for his old man," McCoy mused out loud. "Why do you ask, kid?"

"It must be hard for Jim." Spock did not know why he was saying this to McCoy, yet he felt like he could share his thoughts. "He lost his father; I cannot sympathize with the event, however if I were to lose one of my parents, I am afraid it would be very hard to overcome, even with my Vulcan training."

Spock noticed that McCoy's features softened, almost like he understood what he was saying. He was not lying; he had chosen the Vulcan teachings and he was learning to control his emotional responses, but if he lost one of his parents, he would not be prepared for the mourning and the sadness. Perhaps when he grew up he would be ready to let go of the affection he felt for his parents and accept the process as something natural. He did not even like to think about death, as much as his father was fond of talking about it because of his mother. Spock's father always wanted him to understand that he had a human mother who was fragile and that her life expectancy was shorter than that of Vulcans. They would outlive her by many years, and he had to prepare to let her go in peace.

He was not ready to let his parents go, especially not his mother. He felt sadness for Jim, who had to overcome the lost of someone who he did not know.

McCoy ruffled his hair, smiling kindly. He looked completely different and Spock wondered why he did not smile more.

"Jim should be here any minute, kiddo. You wanna help me with the Tricorder? I think it's broken, and you're a nerdy one, perhaps you know how to connect the wires again."

Spock lit up immediately and nodded enthusiastically. Maybe McCoy was not so dreadful after all.

Jim was getting a headache the size of a spaceship. He knew that as soon as he told the crew what happened to Spock, they would get all curious about it and ask tons of questions. He tried to answer them, but he was getting frustrated.

"All right, you all know how to handle things now, instruct your subordinates about this. If anyone lets slip what happened to Vulcan or hints about Nero in front of Spock, I'll make sure that said person is transferred off the Enterprise to a nice ice planet. Act normally and pretend nothing happened. We expect to find a way to reverse this."

"And if we can't?" Uhura asked in a low voice.

Jim sighed. Uhura just put what everyone was thinking into words.

"Then we decide the best course of action for Spock. Let stay positive, okay? I'm sure we can find a way to fix this. Until then, you know what to do, and your orders have been delivered. This is a delicate matter, handle it as such; dismissed."

Everyone started to leave the room.

"Ensign Chekov, Lieutenant Uhura, please wait a minute. I need to talk to you two."

They exchanged a curious look, but stayed behind watching the rest of the crew leave the conference room. Jim waited a few minutes to make sure they were completely alone and nobody would eavesdrop on what they talked about.

"Chekov, we have to block the terminals; you're the only one who can do it fast enough, and I need you to get on it right now. I sent a file to your personal terminal, it's the code I used to hack the Kobayashi Maru. Use it to create a new one and block the computers on the Enterprise."

"Do you want me to block all the information, Captain?"

It was weird hearing Chekov calling him that. It shouldn't be this satisfying, yet it was. It made him feel great, and this was not a suitable moment to be savoring this.

"Everything related to Nero and what happened to Vulcan. Leave scientific stuff and whatever you think won't affect Spock. This is really important, Chekov, I know you won't screw it up."

"You can count on me, Captain." Chekov beamed and Jim smiled.

"All right, dismissed; let me know when you finish doing it."

"Yes, Captain." Chekov nodded and walked out the room in a hurry. Time was essential.

Uhura looked at him doubtfully, and Jim wasn't sure of how to say this without sounding like a jerk.

"Truce?" he asked first, since Uhura was against the course of action he had decided on.

She shook her head with a small smile.

"Truce," she said finally.

"I need a favor. Can you go with Spock and show him around the ship?"

"I thought you were doing that," Uhura frowned.

"I need to do a few things first, and I really think Spock is better off with you. You are a woman, he was really close to his mother… he probably needs some feminine energy at the moment."

"Oh, I think you have enough 'feminine energy' to spare," Uhura smirked.

"All right, all right. Spock needs to confide in someone, and trust me, I'm not a good candidate for that. He should trust you, and if you spend time with him I'm sure he will be comfortable enough."

"Are you doing this to make Spock more comfortable, or to make you more comfortable?"

If anyone could nail a point without beating around the bush, it was Uhura.

"Can we discuss this later?" Jim pleaded.

"Fine, I'll help you with Spock. You can't avoid him forever, though."

"I'm not trying to." At least this sounded convincing enough. "I just need to take care of something first, okay?"

"Okay."

Jim watched Uhura getting on the lift to go to Sickbay and he felt a small pang of guilt. This was like when Sam said he was going to buy something and he never came back. He'd promised Spock he was returning, but he couldn't deal with a kid without knowing the basics. He ordered the crew not to screw things up, but he was afraid he would be the one making the mistakes he was commanding the rest to avoid.

In the privacy of his quarters, Jim sat down in front of his terminal, feeling anxious. This would be the first time he contacted the Ambassador, and it was only because he had a kid Spock on the ship and he had no idea how to deal with the situation. He wondered if it would be a good time to tell him about the memories … that seemed tactless, it could wait for a better time. It was odd, the Ambassador had given him specific instructions in case he wanted to communicate with him to 'stay in touch'. It was almost like he knew Jim would need his help in the future. Perhaps he knew that Jim would suck at being First Officer, however that thought wasn't all that comforting.

He was about to make the connection when his communicator buzzed. Damn.

"Kirk here."

"Jim, what the hell are you doing?" Bones' voice echoed in the room. "You have a kid waiting here, stop being an idiot and get your ass over here!"

"Nice language. Tell me that Spock isn't there with you."

"He's with Uhura; you should have seen his face when she told him you couldn't give him the tour, he was near tears."

"Really?" Jim's face fell; the last thing he wanted was to make Spock sad. He was a child, and he wasn't at fault here.

"No, you moron! He's a Vulcan! Still, he was upset, I saw it immediately. He doesn't want to go with Uhura, he wants to wait for you."

"What? No, no, no… tell him that this will take me a while…"

"Tell him yourself, the kid just barged into my office. Didn't I tell you to stay with the Lieutenant, Spock?" Jim could hear Bones' snappish tone.

"You said that you were going to talk with Jim and ask him if he was well. I wanted to be informed." Jim could picture Spock fidgeting in Bones' office.

"He's fine. He's stupid, but he's fine."

"Hey!" Jim had to step in because Spock could get scared again by Bones' manners.

"Are you well, Jim?" Oh, God. The kid sounded genuinely worried, which made Jim feel worse.

"I'm fine Spock. I have to do something and it could take me a while. Why don't you go ahead and let Lieutenant Uhura show you the Enterprise?" Jim used the warmest tone he could manage.

"I prefer to wait for you." Spock sounded convinced that nobody was going to make him change his mind.

"It could take me hours." Jim knew that kids, no matter what the race, weren't exactly patient.

"It is of no consequence. I am still helping Doctor McCoy with his damaged Tricorder, it will give me time to finish the task."

Damaged Tricorder? There wasn't a damaged Tricorder anywhere on the Enterprise, Jim always made sure that all equipment was in optimal condition and… then it clicked. Bones.

"Did you destroy a functional Tricorder to keep Spock occupied?" Jim wasn't even aware that Bones could do that.

"You left him here," Bones justified.

"Did I do something wrong?" Spock probably feared that Jim was angry with him.

"No, no… are you sure you wouldn't prefer going with Lieutenant Uhura?" Please, say you'd prefer going with Uhura, please, Jim pleaded in his head.

"I am sure. I shall wait for you."

Dammit. Jim sighed. He didn't know why the kid was so attached to him – he barely knew Jim, and let's be honest, he didn't exactly emanate fatherly vibes. However he couldn't force Spock… well, he could, but he wouldn't.

"Fine. Then you can continue with –" destroying expensive equipment that the Admiralty is going to make me pay for, "the fixing thing, and when I'm done I'll fetch you from Sickbay, okay?"

"Very well."

"Bones, don't let Spock fix anything else."

"I am quite good with machines," defended Spock. "And Doctor McCoy seems ignorant of the proper way to reconnect wires."

"I'm a doctor, not a damn engineer, and don't you dare complain."

"I was not. I merely tried to establish your need for help."

"I wasn't talking to you, kid." Bones was probably smirking. "I was talking to the other whining person here."

"Nice, Bones." Jim knew he couldn't curse in front of Spock, but it was hard to contain himself. "Just keep him there and tell Uhura that she can stay too… she'll know what I mean."

"Yeah, because that's a tough code to break," Bones sneered. "Just hurry, you wouldn't want Spock fixing a bio-med scanner, would you?"

Jim didn't bother with an answer; he probably should have at least assured Spock that he wasn't mad at him, but he was running out of patience and this situation was getting on his nerves. The last thing he wanted was to lash out against Spock, Bones, Uhura and anyone who crossed his path.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. Time to face the other thing Jim had been postponing for a while. He turned on his terminal, and exhaled loudly. It was time to see his old friend.

Spock was apprehensive about what had just happened. Jim sounded upset, and he did not want to be the cause of that. He was probably causing trouble for Jim and that was the last thing he wanted. If he caused problems, Jim would probably reconsider their friendship; Spock had no experience in maintaining a friendship bond, let alone making amends if he had offended Jim. Lieutenant Uhura sat down next to him.

"How are you feeling, Spock?" she asked nicely.

"I am well, thank you."

"Are you sure? You look a little sad."

He was aware of his lack of control at the moment, this was too much to assimilate and he had not yet received the proper training which would enable him to handle things more successfully. He would like to think that he was doing an acceptable job so far, considering the events. He knew he should not want or crave his father's approval, however he liked to think that when his father was informed of the situation, he would at least acknowledge Spock's self-restraint. He had not hurt anyone, even on a strange ship with unknown people; if Jim was lying and they indeed had kidnapped him, he was acting rationally. It would not do any good if he argued or fought, he was outnumbered and he was a child. He believed Jim, yet if he had deceived him, eventually he would learn the true intentions of these people. He would just be patient.

Jim would not lie, though. As irrational as this thought was, Spock was confident that Jim had been honest with him. It was refreshing. Even his mother was reluctant to tell him the truth sometimes. This was something new, Spock could get accustomed to this. Starfleet did not seem like a bad alternative.

If only he was not nine years old.

"Spock?" Lieutenant Uhura looked at him with concern.

"I am sure, Lieutenant," he said calmly.

"You can call me Nyota, Spock. We are friends; Jim told you that, right?"

"Affirmative."

Spock did not say anything else, however he noticed the Lieutenant's small frown. Somehow it was harder to feel comfortable with her than with Jim. He felt like he could be himself with Jim and he would not mind. If he got angry, or was sad or upset, Jim would accept that, unlike everyone else around him. He felt… free.

It was enticing, but also frightening.

Jim didn't know what to expect from this call. Would Spock be thrilled to hear from him? Surprised, perhaps? Involuntarily, Jim combed his hair with his fingers, like that would make him more presentable. The worst part was that he wanted to look nice for Spock, like that would change the fact that he had his own Kirk; the perfect one who wasn't a failure and probably wasn't damaged at all.

Or at least not as much as he was.

He didn't care. This was stupid, it was almost like being a teenager again. He was an adult now, he didn't have to prove anything, and besides, who cared what Spock thought? He'd contributed to Jim's messed up state by leaving all those images in his head. He should be pissed at him.

Nevertheless, when he saw the image of the Ambassador smiling kindly, he just forgot all the struggling he'd been doing for the last five minutes. He couldn't avoid it, he smiled back.

"Hello, old friend," Spock said warmly, and Jim totally knew he would say that.

"Hi." Jim felt like a blushing teenage girl. Dammit.

Spock didn't say anything for a while, he just stared. Rather intently. Jim had the urge to glance at himself and see if he had stained his shirt or check if he had something between his teeth.

"What?" Jim said, losing all his endurance to the stare.

"My apologies." Spock met his eyes again. "It is just… bemusing, seeing you."

"Oh, I can't be that bad!" Jim joked but he couldn't deny that it stung a little.

"I am afraid you misunderstood me," Spock said with conviction. "I only meant that it was bemusing seeing you in that uniform."

What? Oh … oh … yeah, Jim wasn't Captain; Spock was probably used to seeing him in gold. Well, not him, but he probably never saw his own Kirk in red. Well, things were different here; no hot sex between him and young Spock, no gold for Jim.

"I think I look good, don't you?" Jim asked with a smirk.

Spock just smiled. He smiled, and Jim wished his own Spock did that more often. He could analyze the possessive term later (when exactly had Spock became 'his'?). It was for distinction, it didn't mean anything. This was so confusing, and having a Vulcan kid was enough for now.

"What can I do for you, my friend?"

"How do you know I'm not just calling to say 'hi'?" Jim pouted, offended. Okay, they'd met for thirty minutes tops, but he still considered this guy a friend.

"Are you?" Spock lifted an eyebrow in what Jim assumed was amusement.

"Well, it was one of the reasons …"

"I see. Very well, I consider myself properly greeted. What can I do for you, Jim?"

Spock really got on Jim's nerves no matter what the age.

"Here's the thing." Jim decided to get to the point; Spock was a busy Vulcan, and Jim had his own tiny version of the man waiting for him in Sickbay. "You're nine years old."

Spock frowned. Interesting, kid and old Spock were completely transparent about their emotions, but the adult version was stuck up. Joy, he had the challenging one.

"Forgive me, I do not understand your assertion."

"Long story short, we visited this planet, they ask you to step into a sacred chamber or something, you came out an hour later as a nine year old."

Realization came across Spock's features, and he smiled again. Okay, at least one of them found this situation funny.

"It must be fascinating," Spock finally said, with glee. Why did he sound so happy?

"That wouldn't be the word I would choose, but let's settle for 'uncanny'. You do the eyebrow thing at every age, I wonder if you did it as a baby too," Jim mused out loud.

"It is a Vulcan feature, I am afraid. Is he healthy? Is he having problems of any sort?"

"No, no," Jim reassured him quickly, because of course Spock would think something was wrong. Jim was calling him for a reason. "He's not the problem, I am."

Spock didn't say anything, he just stared. Why was he staring? Jim felt like he was naked in front of the guy; it wouldn't be that bad, he was used to see his Kirk naked, what difference would it make if it was him? In fact it could be better, he was hotter, not that he was comparing. Whatever, Jim always felt too self-conscious when he did the stare thing.

"I don't know how to deal with him," Jim explained. "I told him he was Captain here, and he seemed like he appreciated my honesty, but I don't know what to do. He's a kid! The reason why I'm so careful to not get anyone pregnant is that I suck with kids."

"Yet you have a small daughter, if I recall correctly," Spock said.

"That's a plant, and it doesn't count no matter what Sulu says," Jim spat.

"I was referring to the small Betazoid girl you rescued." Spock lifted an eyebrow. "A plant?"

"Long story… how did you know about Amanda?"

"I read the articles about it and I had the pleasure of meeting one of the Betazoid Ambassadors. You are much esteemed among their people."

"It was nothing," Jim blushed. "I did what I had to. The point is, would you help me with this… situation?"

Spock seemed lost in thought and Jim just looked at him carefully. He was Spock and yet he was a completely different person from his own Spock. Perhaps losing his mother had hurt Spock beyond what Jim had imagined; they both were damaged in their own way. Like chess, one wrong move could ruin the entire game. Jim's and Spock's games were ruined. It would have been nice playing a game with the right moves; with a father alive, and a mother still with Spock.

He resented that universe for having what Jim craved most, as stupid as it sounded. Spock said that things couldn't be changed, that they faced 'no-win scenarios'. He fought hard to prove him wrong, but deep down he knew Spock was right in a way. He would never live the life that Kirk had, no matter how many strategies he had up his sleeve. Nothing would bring his father back, or change what his mother had done, or fix what happened on Tarsus. Some games couldn't be won.

"Is he in afraid or has he become violent?" asked Spock finally.

"No, in fact he's all calm and rational about this. I think Bones was more violent than Spock."

Spock smiled lightly and Jim felt a small thrill inside.

"Somehow that does not surprise me," Spock said. "The good doctor responds with loud complaints when he cannot understand something."

"That's Bones," Jim smirked. His friend was just universally grouchy. "So, any tips you can give me would be great."

"Did you inform him of past events?"

Jim knew what Spock meant: Were you an ass and did you tell him he had no home planet and no mother? Why everyone assumed he had no tact was a mystery to him. All right, he was direct, but he wasn't a complete jerk.

"No, when he asked to talk with his parents I told him we had an ion storm messing with our communications. He seemed to buy it."

"He probably did. As far as he knows, he had no reason to not believe your word, particularly because if he was kidnapped, you would communicate with his parents immediately to make demands."

"Kidnapped? Did that happen to you sometime?" Jim frowned.

"No, however there was always a risk, with my father working as an Ambassador and so many political conflicts around Vulcans. It was no longer a problem when I defied my father and he disowned me."

"Wow, and I thought I had daddy issues," Jim mused. "No wonder you were a momma's boy."

"In a way, you are correct. My relationship with my father was… complicated. My counterpart does not seem to have that problem though, at least from what I observed."

"I can't fool him forever. If we don't find a way to reverse this…"

"Then you should tell him the truth. Perhaps it would be best to inform his father about these events."

"You want me to talk with Sarek? Me?"

"I assume you are acting Captain." Spock had this strange gleam in his eyes. "You should do what you believe is best."

"Oh, no, don't try that crap! He's you! Tell me what's best for you!"

"What is best for me could not be the best for Spock. We are two different persons, even though we share some events in our lives."

"I hate when you get cryptic. Okay, I'll bite, let's say I wait for a while and see how things go. Is Spock going to get weird? I don't know anything about Vulcan kids; does he need something in particular? Is he taking any medicine? Does he need special attention?"

"Having a Vulcan child is no different than having a human child, Jim. As long as he is fed and cared for, he is going to be perfectly fine. Nevertheless, at that age, I was incredibly curious about everything around me. I used to spend hours in school trying to learn all I could about other planets and civilizations. Call it a need to fit in."

"I get the sentiment," Jim said sympathetically. "I guessed that, I blocked all the information about Nero, do you think he can break my code?"

"That would depend of the sequence you used."

"Is he a genius with computers at this age?" Jim gaped because at that age he only used his brains to screw his stepfather. He had a success rate of 90 percent, and was proud of it.

"He is probably very advanced in knowledge, and if he cannot access certain information –"

"He'll be pissed and he'll obsess about it," finished Jim because yeah, maybe he and Spock weren't that different.

"Indeed." Spock smiled evenly.

"Great. I already have enough stubborn people with Bones," Jim sighed. "Any other tips you can give me?"

"I was rather fond of challenging games; perhaps you could invite him to a friendly match of chess."

"I do that with the adult version. He gets annoyed when I'm about to beat him."

"Have you ever won a match?"

"Not yet, but I'm close. The thing with you is that you use the same strategy because it's logical and that doesn't work with me."

Spock stared again, like he was trying to look beyond Jim and find something else. Jim coughed lightly.

"So… this was fun, how come you never call me?"

"I am aware of the demands of your post," he said with a hint of sadness.

"I always can make time for friends," Jim said with a big smile, while his mind asked why he was so insistent about this. He was two steps away from being desperate.

"I will keep that in mind."

"Yeah, I really –"

Whatever Jim was going to say was interrupted by the sound of the door. Someone had overridden his code, and the only two people who could do that were Spock and Bones. He stood up quickly, blocking the screen.

"There you are." Bones entered quickly, closing the door behind him.

"What are you doing?" demanded Jim. "I told you to stay with Spock! Where is he?"

"So now you're worried about the tiny elf," Bones spat. "I left him with Uhura. Spock is about to finish with the Tricorder, and I had to make sure that you weren't rolled up in a ball hitting your head against the wall like you do when you're freaked out."

"It was one time and I only did it for, like, five minutes," Jim grumbled because he was really stressed, it was the only thing he could think of to relieve some tension.

"What are you doing then? Spock won't leave if you don't go and fetch him, and I'm feeling really torn between sedating him or sedating and castrating you."

Jim opened his mouth to retort when he noticed his friend glancing at the shining screen behind his back. Damn, he forgot he was talking with Spock.

"I see a pointed ear," Bones said with a frown. "Are you talking with… you know?"

Jim exhaled noisily, stepping aside to let Bones see the entire screen. His friend had his eyes wide and his mouth was slightly open.

"I had to tell him," Jim explained to Spock, hoping not to piss him off too. "I… he's my friend…"

"I understand," Spock said calmly. "Hello, Doctor McCoy."

"Hello," Bones frowned. "Why is he being polite to me?" Bones whispered to Jim.

"It is good to see you in good health, my old friend," Spock continued with a certain fondness.

"Right… good to see you too, even when I've never met you before and I'm not sure you aren't a nutcase."

"Bones!" Jim chastised.

"It is no trouble, Jim; Doctor McCoy was and always has been direct. I appreciate his honesty."

"You appreciate my honesty?" Bones mocked. "I would appreciate it if you stopped poking into other people's head and just fixed Jim."

"Bones!" Jim said again, mortified. He hadn't told Spock about the memory thing and chances were that he couldn't avoid the subject now.

"Is something wrong with you, Jim?" Spock asked, concerned, and Jim felt this small twinge in his stomach.

"You haven't told him?" Bones glared at Jim. "Why were you calling him, then?"

"To ask for his help with Spock," Jim clarified, although it was too late anyway.

"What help do we need? He's a kid, as long as he's fed and he sleeps right, we're all set."

"He said the same thing," Jim smiled weakly, pointing at Spock.

"I knew this wasn't a good time to tell him about the memories, even for you. Since you made the call, you better tell the hobgoblin," Bones said. "No offense."

"None taken."

Jim knew his friend was acting like this because he was still angry with Spock even though he had no reason to be. Jim consented; Spock hadn't forced him or anything.

"All right, then get back to Sickbay, I need privacy."

Bones arched an eyebrow, but fortunately he didn't speak his mind like he probably would have liked to.

"Fifteen minutes, or else I'm bringing you the kid and you are on your own."

"Fine."

"I don't like you." Bones glanced at the screen again.

"I hope that can be changed eventually," Spock said in a respectful tone.

"Don't get your hopes up." Bones turned around and unlocked the door. At least he had the courtesy to lock it again. Jim had imagined how he would tell Spock about the memories; none of his choices included Bones spilling everything. He should be angry with Bones, but he was just concerned. Jim could hardly complain when he had an amazing friend who always had his back no matter what.

"Jim?" Spock broke the uncomfortable silence that was forming between them.

"Um… yeah…" Jim sat down again, trying to think of a delicate way to explain the situation. "Sorry about Bones, he's just like that when he gets overprotective, he's like a mother hen with me and he acts like I can't take care of myself. I can, he just ignores it because he prefers making me suffer."

"I understand. He reminds me strongly of the Doctor McCoy I once knew. He and I shared the same goal: protecting our Captain no matter what."

Yeah, well, in this case only Bones cares about me, he thought bitterly, because he wouldn't have what the other Kirk had with Spock. He knew when Gaila died that his opportunity to be loved for what he was instead of for what he looked like was gone. She was the only one who truly saw him and loved him anyway.

And he could have loved her back with time.

"Jim?" Spock repeated because he was lost in his thoughts.

"Right, okay… mmm… you see… when you did the mind-meld thing… it was nice and all, I got to see you weren't an exiled crazy Vulcan and I get that it had to be done quickly…"

Spock waited patiently for Jim to continue. Okay, it was time, he just had to say it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid.

"But somehow a few of your images got stuck with me and I see them at the weirdest times." That made sense; he said it calmly and clearly, even though he was a mess inside.

"Are you implying that I transferred memories into your mind?" Spock looked surprised and guilty and Jim felt bad. He didn't want Spock chastising himself for what happened, it wasn't a big deal.

"Well, I don't know exactly how it works, but I see things that I know aren't mine."

"Does that mean…?"

"That I got to see how you pinned your own Kirk against every hard surface you could find around the Enterprise? Yeah, in the row. At least you were mostly clothed, so nothing to be ashamed of. I have a question though, how did you two manage to make out on Bones' desk? Unless he was there watching, I can't imagine he would let you two do the nasty in his beloved Sickbay."

Spock actually blushed, and Jim sympathized. For someone as private as Spock, it must be hard having someone else seeing your life.

"The good doctor was not on the ship at that particular moment," Spock said in a low voice.

"That explains it. I thought your Bones was a voyeur; mine is a prude, so it would have been a nice change."

Jim was joking to ease the tension Spock was building up; he looked so ashamed that Jim had to do something to make him feel better.

"I cannot tell you how remorseful I am for this terrible error, Jim. I am afraid that my control was not in optimal condition when I tried to explain the situation, and you have to bear the consequences of my carelessness. Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

"Hey, nothing to forgive, man! I agreed, remember? Sure, sometimes it gets awkward when I'm with Spock and I see you two going at it on Scotty's console, but I'm hardly a blushing virgin, and I've seen worse."

"Still, Jim, I am truly regretful for my mistake, I cannot think what a burden you must be carrying when you have memories that are not your own."

"Look, I don't like it when people keep apologizing when I said it's fine. I don't hold grudges, okay? You did it for a good cause, and it wasn't on purpose. Bones just gets a little bit twitchy, but nothing more and I'm fine. So stop with the self-recrimination already."

Jim tried not to sound too harsh but, judging by Spock's slightly bemused expression, he wasn't successful. To Jim's surprise, Spock smiled like he had expected that reaction, which made Jim feel uncomfortable. Spock didn't know him, he was a different person than the Jim he once knew and loved, he had no right to smile that way, like he could read Jim entirely.

It wasn't fair.

"I hope that my mistake has not caused you troubles with the Captain, Jim." Spock glanced at him with uncertainty.

"Why? Can he tell if someone poked into my head? Is that a Vulcan thing?" Jim frowned, because as far as he was aware, Spock didn't know about the mind-meld. He thought Jim was crazy because every time Jim got an image from the Ambassador's memory he shook his head strongly; Spock had suggested a medical scan to make sure there was nothing wrong. However, he'd never made any comment hinting that he thought his behavior could be related to a mind-meld gone wrong.

And that was good, because Jim would have a hard time explaining to Spock why a Vulcan was poking into his head without informing him about the Ambassador.

"No, he cannot know about the situation unless you informed him yourself; nevertheless, I would have thought you two had a conversation about…" Spock opened his eyes wide and Jim felt scared because this must be Spock's version of disbelieving shock.

"About?" Jim pressed.

"Never mind." Spock smiled again, trying to regain some composure. "It must be hard for you, seeing that kind of memory in front of the Captain."

"He probably thinks I'm nuts; Bones confirmed it, so no biggie."

Jim noticed how Spock always referred to his own Kirk as 'his Captain', but when he was referring to his Spock, he said formally 'the Captain'. It probably didn't mean anything special, still, Jim felt it was another proof of the huge differences in their lives. Clearly Spock was devoted to his Captain, and somehow the Ambassador knew that Jim wouldn't consider Spock his anything in this time.

Not his Captain, not his friend, and most importantly, not his lover.

The thought pained him more than he was willing to admit, even to himself.

"I do not believe he thinks you are mentally ill, Jim. My Jim also had 'unusual' behavior; I never labeled it as something wrong."

"So you loved him because he was crazy," Jim mused, and a small hope grew in his heart, as stupid as it was.

"Indeed." Spock's face lit up at the memory of his Kirk; Jim tried to subdue the pang of jealousy he felt when he saw it. "Jim, I am still remo…"

"If you apologize one more time, I swear I'm sending you Spock right now and you'll be in charge of educating him," Jim threatened with an amused tone.

"Perhaps I will get the opportunity to repair my mistake soon," Spock said calmly.

"What do you mean?" Jim frowned. As far as he knew, neither the Enterprise nor the Ambassador had time for a social visit.

"Doctor McCoy said you only had fifteen minutes; thirteen minutes and fifty seconds have passed already. If he is anything like the Doctor McCoy I knew, he is probably getting ready to carry out his threat."

"Shit." Jim saw that Spock was right. He hadn't realized they'd been talking so long; then again, time flies when you're comparing your crappy life with the perfect version it could have been. "We aren't done; you need to explain what you meant by that."

"Of course," Spock conceded. "If I may give you a final piece of advice about your current situation… my mother often offered physical comfort when I was feeling upset. I am aware that the Captain has likely been extremely clear about physical boundaries, and it will probably be unsettling for you try to soothe the child in that manner. However, now that I have experienced different scenarios I can assure you that at that age I was more open to receiving physical affection than at any other stage of my life."

"What about when you and your Kirk started dating?" Jim asked, confused.

"I am afraid that even when I realized my feelings towards my Captain, I was still reluctant to admit their existence. It was difficult to find a physical way to express myself when my Captain was a very demonstrative person and I had to overcome many barriers imposed by my Vulcan heritage. I hurt Jim profoundly because of my stubbornness." Spock looked so sad that Jim wanted to hug him strongly and not let him go; it was disturbing. Jim realized that in this particular moment the Ambassador resembled his Spock very much.

"But you compensated him later, right?" Jim smiled and winked at Spock. "I'm sure he understood."

"If there is anything that distinguishes every James Kirk I have met it is precisely the fact that their nature is very forgiving, at least when others are involved." Hearing this made Jim wonder if perhaps that Kirk was also fond of the self-recrimination thing. "Regarding the physical touch, I would avoid any contact with his hands, though."

"Why?" Jim knew his Spock was especially edgy regarding his hands. One time Jim almost touched his fingers by accident and the guy freaked out in his own Vulcan way; Jim was sure he'd kept glaring at him for a while after the incident, even though Spock denied it.

"It is personal. I am sure you will be informed about this particular topic in the future."

"I doubt Spock will ever talk to me about hand touches, but I guess I can always ask you," Jim said in a rush. "Okay, I have to go, I have only thirty seconds to get to Sickbay before Bones unleashes his wrath; thanks for the help, I really appreciate it."

"On the contrary, it is always pleasant to talk to a dear friend. Live long and prosper, t'hy'la."

Jim was about to ask about the meaning of the word, but he decided to leave it for later. Bones would have his head if he didn't make it on time; he just hoped he'd remember the way Spock pronounced it, it sounded weird. As he turned the screen off and walked quickly towards the door, Jim felt like he had heard this word before. Almost like a whisper in his mind, an echo of something else… he couldn't put his finger on it, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't do it eventually, even if he had to ask his own Spock about it.

N/A: I know that maybe this isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I appreciate all the lovely comments and suggestions, I'm trying my best here, but let's face it, I'm no good with deaged plots. It will be only in chapter four, so you can wait to chapter five to return to normal. A big thank you to my super awesome beta Anbessette, who is the wind beneath my wings (sorry, I heard the song again, you know I'm crazy anyway).