She tried to call Henry twice. He didn't pick up. Instead he texted her that he was giving her space. Henry wasn't a big texter. He said that he was too old and too educated to press tiny buttons, so that he chose to send her a text instead of answering his phone wasn't a good sign.
"Trouble in paradise?" Santana asked, sitting down next to her on the deck.
"I don't wanna talk about it."
Quinn huddled her body together and held her arms around her knees. Her hair was still damp from the swim. She missed the clarity that the water had given her. She felt herself slipping back into the feeling of that she was losing control.
"I know that you kissed him" Santana said.
"Wow. He really tells you everything."
"Nah. Not really. I just think he really needed to talk to someone."
"Well, I apologized. It was stupid."
"Yeah, probably" Santana agreed.
"Henry won't talk to me."
Quinn looked around them to see if anyone was eavesdropping, but most of them were inside helping with dinner. Puck and Sam were throwing a tennis ball between each other on the sandy bank. Quinn watched the ball as if she was in a trance. From one boy to the other.
"That sounds immature" Santana noted.
"He told me to contemplate my feelings."
She had repeated that phrase so many times by now that it felt almost natural now. Even if it was the strangest thing. And what did it really mean? She didn't know. She hadn't had time to ask.
"For Puck?"
"Yeah."
"That's why you kissed him?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"And, what?"
Quinn sighed. She watched the ball pass through the air. The sun was setting slowly.
"How did it feel?" Santana asked.
Quinn swallowed. Sam dropped the ball. Puck ridiculed him. His laugh was loud and infectious.
"Too much" she replied. "It felt too much."
"That doesn't sound too good."
"I'm not going down that road again. I'm not leaving my partner of five years because I feel too much for someone who hates me."
Quinn looked at Santana as to distract herself from the ball throwing. Her face looked soft and relaxed. Brittany had always had a calming effect on her. Or maybe it was love. Or maybe that was the same thing.
"You know that he doesn't hate you."
"We've hurt each other so many times."
"I know."
"Learn from the past."
"And stay with Henry?"
Quinn didn't reply. She watched the tennis ball again. From Sam to Puck. From Puck to Sam.
"I came here and hated him."
"Did you really?" Santana asked.
"Yes. I really think I did."
"And now?"
His profile was sharp against the sun light. She remembered waking up next to him this morning. She remembered kissing him in the forest. She remembered even further back, when she had been with Finn but he had loved her and without really knowing it, she had started to love him too. She remembered crying into his shoulder. She remembered having sex with him in his room in his mother's house, quietly so that no one would hear. She remembered Beth; half hers and half his. But she also remembered their last fight. She had begged, on her knees, crying and screaming. And he had still left her.
"It doesn't matter" she said.
"Doesn't it?" Santana asked.
…
When Sam had dropped the ball for the fifth time, Quinn took her chance and grabbed it in front of his feet. He scowled at her as she held it out in front of his eyes.
"Didn't you use to play football in High School, Sam?" she teased.
"That wasn't with a tennis ball."
She threw it over his head and into Puck's hands. He caught and threw it back to her. It bounced against the palm of hands but she managed to keep it within her fingers.
"Ha!" she said triumphantly to Sam. "Maybe I should have played on the team instead of you."
"He didn't throw as hard this time" he pouted.
"Why wouldn't he?" Quinn asked. "It's not like we have the best relationship. I bet he threw harder at me."
She didn't look at Puck when she said it but she, deep down, wanted some kind of reaction. She wanted to say that he liked her better than Sam and she wanted him to snap at her. She needed a reaction from him. Any. But he didn't say anything.
"I'm not being part of your fight" Sam said. "I'm going inside."
"No, don't go" Quinn tried.
"Sam, hey, man. She's just kidding around" Puck said.
But Sam left and Santana followed him. They were the only ones left outside and Quinn was still holding the ball.
"Did you throw me an easier ball?" she asked.
"Never" he said. "I'm not doing you any favors."
"I shouldn't have teased him."
"No, probably not. He loves you endlessly."
She threw the ball at him, as hard as she could. He caught it without even having to try.
"Don't say that" she said. "Sam doesn't love me."
"You don't hear what he says about you."
"Like what?"
"I'm not telling. I'm not doing you the favor of boosting your ego."
He threw the ball back. It was too high and her outstretched fingers couldn't reach it. She had to run in order to catch up with it before it got lost amongst the trees. Puck stood still and waited for her to return.
"Why won't you go inside too?" he asked.
"I'm playing ball."
"Yeah, but you're playing ball with me. Aren't you supposed to hate me?"
She rolled her eyes and passed him the green ball. He caught it in one hand.
"I don't have to like you to do outdoor activities."
He wasn't throwing the ball back at her. Instead he moved it from one hand to the other. It was always darker. Soon, this game would be impossible to play. Somehow, she felt stressed. She didn't want to go inside yet.
"You know, I have a right to hate you too" he said.
"So you say."
"How would you like to be kissed by someone you hate?"
She groaned.
"Are you still going on about that? Let it go, please."
"What did Henry tell you about me?"
"Not everything is about you, Puck."
He stepped closer to her. She hoped that he wasn't planning on throwing the ball from that distance. That would really, really hurt.
"You and Santana were talking me, right?"
She stepped closer to him an attempt to the snatch the ball of his hand. He held it high, over his head. She wasn't going to jump for it. She wasn't a dog.
"Just throw the ball, Puck."
He lowered his arm a bit and she went for it, trying to wrestle the ball out of his hand. He was stronger but seemed distracted by something and she managed to grab it. He didn't seem to really mind which made her entire action kind of pointless.
"It looks like I'm better than all of you at sports" she drawled.
He gave her a long, hard look. It made her blush. She hadn't blushed in years and years.
"How can you change like that?" he asked.
"What?" she asked.
"One minute, you're Henry's little lawyer girl in your pants suit and posh voice. And the next…"
He trailed off, looking intently at the tennis ball in her hand.
"And the next?" she asked.
"And the next, you're not" he said, even though she expected that was not what he had intended to say from the start.
"Being around of all you makes me regress into some kind of High School version of myself" she said, shrugging her shoulders.
Actually, this was a new kind of Puck too. He wasn't goofy right now, playing the fool to make everyone laugh. And he wasn't mad at her. Or maybe he was, but he wasn't fighting her. Instead, he seemed wary of her, keeping his distance. It made her want to step closer.
"Only a few days and then you can go back to your life" he said curtly.
"Right" she agreed. "Only a few days."
…
Rachel announced that the next morning they would walk to the nearest town, rent bikes and go for an adventure. She seemed too excited for the plan that Quinn didn't have the heart to bring up the fact that she still hadn't brought any hiking boots. Instead, like many of the others, they decided to go to bed early. Maybe it was the fact that they were all in their late twenties now and couldn't handle getting drunk every night. Or maybe they didn't have anything left to discuss for hours around the dinner table. Quinn didn't analyze it further.
"Please, keep your hands off each other" she told Santana and Brittany seriously.
"Calm down, Q" Santana drawled.
"We promise, Quinn" Brittany added earnestly.
Quinn turned off the lights and crept into bed between them, just to be sure that they could keep their promise. But she couldn't fall asleep. She stared into the dark ceiling and listened to Santana's breathes. She felt antsy. On edge. Her heart seemed to be beating harder again, just as it had after she had kissed Puck. Had that been today? It seemed like forever ago.
"Stop sighing" Santana muttered.
Quinn hadn't realized she had been sighing. She tried to think of something soothing. Henry's face. His brown hair speckled with gray. His suits that he wore for class. The way he spoke to her, always calm and collected. Yes, he was a soothing person. But tonight, her body didn't seem to want to be soothed. It wanted to be touched. And kissed. And held. She didn't long for Henry's respect and affectionate kisses on her cheek. She longed for something else.
"Whatever" she said, too loudly. "Have sex. Whatever. I'll go sleep on the couch."
Brittany had fallen asleep and woke with a start. Quinn felt bad. She could have just slipped out of the room.
"You're going to sleep with him, aren't you?" Santana asked.
"No, I'm going to sleep on the couch" Quinn lied.
"Don't try to say it's around fault that you're leaving. We were basically asleep."
"Whatever. Do what you want to each other. I'm leaving."
She took her pillow and left the room. She could hear Santana snicker as the door closed behind her. Quinn stood on the landing. She could go down the stairs and sleep on the couch. It was a valid option. But then she could just has well has stayed with Santana and Brittany in their double bed. She took a deep breath. If Henry wanted her to contemplate her feelings, she could. She would act on them. The door creaked a tiny bit when she opened it. None of the boys stirred as she stepped inside and closed it behind her. Her eyes were adjusted to the dark and she could see them clearly. Mike, spread of his bed, his hair ruffled with sleep. Sam, sleeping on his stomach and breathing loudly. And Puck. On his side. As if he had made room for her. She crept over to his bed, pulled back the comforter and lay down next to him. He woke up immediately.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
She hushed him. Her knee bumped into his thigh. His skin was hot. It made her pulse quicken again.
"What are you doing?" he asked again, this time in a whisper.
"I don't really know" she replied.
…
Waking up and finding Quinn in his bed had been one of his favorite fantasies when he had been in the air force. Now, it had happened and he lay perfectly still, watching her face. She said nothing about Brittany and Santana now. No excuses. But she wasn't touching him either. And he wasn't going to take the first step.
"Do you think this is a good idea?" he hissed.
"We did it last night" she replied. "You had no objection then."
No, last night it had been fun. An experiments. Almost innocent. This time it was different. He could feel it. It wasn't just about the kiss. It was something in her eyes.
"Stop hogging the covers" she whispered.
"It's my bed."
She tugged. He tugged back.
"Move in closer and it'll cover the both of us" he heard himself saying and she did.
For the first time in ages and ages, he remembered the feelings she could conjure up within him. He had always loved her. Even when they were kids and didn't know what sex was. His love had never been dependent on sex. But… He had always wanted her so bad. Before they got together, when she was still with Finn, and after, when they had broken up, he had used those feelings to sleep with other girls. Every girl who would let him, really. They had called him a slut and fine, maybe he had been. But it was her fault.
"Is this another of your tests?" he breathed. "Is this another test to figure just how much you love Henry?"
"Shut up" she whispered back. "It's not about that."
"It is, isn't it? You just want be sure that the way he holds you in bed is the best possible way before you marry him or whatever?"
"Be quiet. You're ruining it."
"Ruining what?" he asked.
She kissed him. Twice in one day. The kiss was rough and passionate and rushed. His hand found her hip and pulled her a little bit closer still. He tried to slow the kiss down but she was relentless. Her hands were under his shirts, holding him close, as if he would ever pull away.
"Calm down" he whispered.
She didn't reply. She kissed his neck, his mouth again, even deeper and more forcefully. Her hands were moving rapidly over his skin. He couldn't stop a groan of pleasure.
"Quinn, calm down. This is crazy. We can't do this here" he urged her. "Do you want to wake the others up?"
Only then did she stop and immediately, he wished that she hadn't. His skin felt bare when she pulled her hands away. He let his hands rest on his hip because he wanted to keep touching her.
"God, I don't know what got into me" she whispered. "I'm sorry."
She bit her lip. He wanted to bite her lip for her. He wanted to kiss her again, touch her, do everything to her.
"Come on" he said. "Let's go downstairs."
He was almost sure that she wouldn't follow, that she had realized her mistake and would go back to bed. But she didn't. She came with him. He almost couldn't believe it.
…
"You don't have to apologize to me" he said when they were in the kitchen. "But… you probably should think about your boyfriend."
Her sleeping attire looked a bit ruffled as they stood and looked at each other. If he had been ten years younger, he never would have brought up Henry. He would have just gone for it, followed his desire. Maybe he had changed after all.
"I can't think about him" she replied. "All I can think about is you."
It was so easy to reach under her t-shirt and feel her soft skin. It was so easy to pull her near and kissed her. He made the kisses slower now, even though she was groaned with objection. It was just about lust for her, of course. She wanted it to go fast so that she could go to sleep again. For some reason, he on the other hand wanted every moment to last forever.
"Quinn-" he whispered as she pulled his shirt off and started to kiss his chest. "Quinn…"
This was how they ended up with a teenage pregnancy whilst she was still with another guy. Lust. Never ending. Maybe that was why they had such a hard time moving on from each other. Maybe it had nothing to do with love.
"Do you have-" she asked, as he kissed her collar bone and her neck and her face. "A condom?"
"You're not on the pill?" he asked, pulling off her shirt as well.
He had to stop and look at her. She was beautiful in the pale moonlight with her chest bare. It was only when she wanted him this badly she could stand being without a shirt or a bra. Otherwise, she could cross her arms and hide herself away.
"No" she replied.
He wanted to ask why but guessed that the answer was connected to Henry and didn't want to think about him right now. Not ever, really. But especially not right now.
"I have pack" he said. "But they're in my bag. That's under Sam's bed."
She groaned and pushed him away from her. He wanted to tell her to forget about protection, to be wild and crazy for once. But their track record wasn't the best.
"Maybe it's for the best" she whispered, reaching for her shirt.
"Maybe" he said, reaching for his.
"Or maybe we could just kiss" she suggested.
"I want you too bad" he admitted. "I don't know if I could stop myself."
She smiled. Almost triumphantly and kissed him again. A longer, slower kiss. A kiss that tugged in his heart and in his groin and everywhere. God, she was cruel.
"You want to take a walk?" she asked. "Too cool off a bit?"
"Maybe a swim" he suggested.
"You want to be naked with me?" she grinned.
"Yeah, okay, I see you point."
They opened the deck door and stepped outside. It was chilly. All the daytime warmth had seeped away. Puck was sweaty across his entire body and wondered if he would get a cold. He still wanted her. He wanted to push her against that three. He wanted to lie down in the soft grass. His desire was stubborn.
"Why aren't you on the pill?" he asked, because now thinking about Henry would probably have a sobering effect on the both of them.
"I don't want to stuff myself full of hormones for the rest of my life."
"Fine. Good point."
"Don't say anything about Henry being too old to knock me up…"
"I wasn't about to" he said honestly.
They walked barefoot along the lake. Quinn's face was still flushed. He wanted to touch her skin to see if it would burn to the touch.
"What about Cindy?" Quinn asked. "Is she on the pill?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
She gave him a look. He grinned.
"Fine, I assume that she is. It's not like we have relationship or anything. It's just…"
"Sex?"
"Yeah, basically."
"Good sex?"
"Quinn..."
"You don't have to answer."
"Good" he said. "Then I won't."
"Coward."
"Do you want me to ask about yours sex life with Henry?"
"Not really."
"Okay then."
They walked silently for a couple of minutes.
"It's not like it was with you" she said suddenly.
He licked his lips and wondered what he was supposed to answer to that. The truth?
"It's never been the same with anyone else" he admitted.
"No" she said. "That sucks, right?"
"Yeah" he agreed.
…
Quinn woke up on the couch as Rachel turned on the incredibly noisy espresso maker. She had no idea what time it was but she knew that she hadn't slept more than one or two hours. The walk hadn't really cooled her off and she hadn't been able to fall asleep until the sun had risen and turned the sky white. It was the first time that she hadn't woken up at six am in years. Being here messed up all her routines.
"Did Santana and Brittany kick you out again?" Rachel asked, coming over and handing Quinn as small mug filled with strong coffee.
"Something like that" she replied, sitting up in the couch and stretching out her neck.
The Changs were downstairs too, making eggs and bacon together in the kitchen. Quinn saw Rachel the Vegan look at them with distaste, but she was a too good of a host to say anything.
"You look exhausted " she remarked instead.
"I guess I had forgotten how uncomfortable it is to sleep on a couch" Quinn lied.
She could have told Rachel the truth. She would have loved to hear about Quinn and Puck kissing against her fathers' kitchen walls. She would have loved the idea of a midnight stroll. Actually, she would have loved it too much and that was the reason that Quinn didn't say anything. It had been lust that had made them do those things in the middle of the night, not love, and Rachel wouldn't understand that.
"Ready for a bike ride today?" Mike called from the kitchen.
Quinn wanted to go upstairs to her bed and sleep for eight or nine hours, not peddle around in some small town to get to know her High School friends better again. Exhaustion had never suited her. It made her cranky.
"You bet!" Rachel called back.
Quinn hid a snort just as Puck and Sam came down the stairs. He was fully dressed now, in jeans and a faded red t-shirt. He looked tired too. Suddenly she was painfully aware of her own state of undress in her pajamas. She quickly wrapped herself in the blanket she had slept underneath.
"Good morning" Sam called jovially.
The Changs and Rachel called back. Sam was wearing the same shorts he had worn when he had been out jogging. Mike and Tina wore (matching!) tracksuits. Rachel had put on a pair of yoga pants. How serious was the biking thing? Was it like a race or why were all of them dressing like it was? She finally lost all hope when Santana and Brittany came down the stairs, both dressed for exercise. Every limb in Quinn's body protested when she stood up.
"I'm going to take a shower" she announced.
"Hurry" Rachel said. "We need to be off in a half an hour and you need to get some breakfast inside you."
Quinn nodded mutely. She was too tired to tell Rachel that she sounded like an eighty year old British lady. As she passed Puck, he grinned at her. She rolled her eyes at him. All of this was his fault. And yet, she didn't feel mad at him. Not at all.
…
Puck enjoyed every moment of the walk towards the small town of Cornhead. He walked alone, a few steps behind Sam and Kurt, breathing in the fresh morning air and taking in the trees and the lake. It wasn't like he had missed nature all these years, but being here had made him appreciate it more. And he loved feeling his heart beat a little faster as they climbed a hill. He loved the straining in his muscles. It reminded him of High School football and of training for air force; pressing yourself to the limit to reach your goal. He turned around and inspected the crowd behind him. Tina and Mercedes walked arm in arm, talking about the new kitchen the Changs were going to buy from IKEA. Rachel's short legs forced to her almost run next to Brittany's long strides. And in the far back, Santana and Quinn.
"Hurry up" he called at them. "You don't wanna get lost again, Quinn."
She flipped him off. He laughed and then turned back to face the way he was walking. He didn't know how to act around her. Actually, he had never known how to act around her. At first she had been Finn's girlfriend, how was he supposed to handle that? Then she was pregnant with his baby and that hadn't been easy either. After the baby, things had changed again and once again he had been lost. This time, however, not knowing felt… fine. Exciting even.
"You seem to friends again" Sam said, falling into step with Puck. "You and Quinn."
"Yeah. I guess so."
"Good for you."
Puck didn't look at Sam. He could tell that Sam was disappointed but what had he expected? It wasn't like Quinn was going to leave her precious life for him. She wouldn't do that for either of them. Once they might have been competing for her love, but not anymore. They had already lost.
"Hey" he said. "It's time to move on, man."
Sam punched his arm. It actually kind of hurt and Puck was about to hit back but the look on Sam's face stopped him. He actually looked sad and the punch had been a sign of desperation rather than anything else.
"I had" Sam insisted. "I haven't thought about her in years. But it's like, she's too fucking beautiful for own good."
"Yeah" Puck agreed. "And too beautiful for your own good."
"That too" Sam said.
The lake was out of view now. The tiny path was engulfed in big trees on both sides and nothing could be heard but the chatter from voices and squeaks from shoes. Puck lowered his voice.
"You can't be in love with her for her looks" he said.
"Why not? It's not like I choose why I like her."
"It's just that… it's like an insult to her."
"What?"
"I mean, she's more than her blonde hair and huge eyes and…"
"I know that" Sam interrupted. "I've dated her, remember?"
"Anyone can be pretty" Puck said, shrugging.
"Not like she is."
"No, maybe not."
He fought the urge to look back at her again.
"I know that she likes me" Sam went on. "She talks to me and smiles at me and…"
"You do know that she's been with that guy for like five years, right?" Puck reminded him.
"Yeah, well. Maybe she's sick of him."
"Maybe" Puck echoed.
He looked at Sam again. He was a nice looking guy. And a pleasant one. Kind. Caring. Quinn did like him. She had dated him once. She had even liked him enough to accept his stupid promise ring. Still, Puck felt indifferent. He and Sam could fight all they wanted for the attention of Quinn Fabray, she had already decided on someone else.
"Just get over it, okay?" Puck repeated.
"I'm trying" Sam groaned.
Me too, Puck thought. But I suck at it.
…
Quinn realized as she biked up a steep hill that she hadn't exercised properly in ten years. Ten years. That was crazy. Her legs had gone from strong and equipped for cheerleading to thin and useless. Her breathing was heavy and sweat ran down her back. Why hadn't she ever gone to gym at Yale? Or gone for a run in Central Park? The exercise she got nowadays was jogging down to Wall Street in high heels when the subway was closed.
"You doing okay?"
Puck had hung back to wait for her. He wasn't panting. Not sweating. She felt embarrassed.
"I'm out of shape" she admitted.
"Really?" he smiled. "I couldn't tell."
"Remember when I used to be able to run for hours on that pitch when Coach Sylvester was in bad mood?" she asked hoarsely. "Well, those days are over."
"You've been in law school. That's a pretty good excuse."
"Maybe" she muttered.
They were on top of the hill now and she tried to swallow down the heart that was in her throat.
"You don't have to wait for me" she told him. "You strong people should go in the front."
"It's fine" he said. "I'm sick of seeing the Changs cycling close enough to hold hands."
She laughed.
"Matching tracksuits" she said.
"Yeah, I know."
They were outside town again now. Rachel was showing them her favorite spot in the area. Quinn hoped that it wasn't too far away. Her legs felt like spaghetti already.
"Sometimes I think that could have been Tina" she said when her breathing calmed down a little. "If I had married Finn or-"
Or you, she thought, but she didn't say it.
"You would never act like them" he said after a short silence.
"Maybe I would have if I had gotten married and had a kid and stayed in Lima" she said. "Who knows?"
"Finn would have stopped you from buying matching clothes."
"What if I talked about my new kitchen for three hours? What would have happened then?"
Puck smiled. Quinn smiled back. It still hurt to think of Finn.
"I can't speak for him" Puck said. "But if you had married me, I would have cut you off after hour two."
She swallowed. She tried not to think about him kissing her. She tried to think about Henry. His smell. The way he always calmed her down. But she couldn't. It was like her brain had shut down from the exhaustion.
"We should probably talk about last night" she said.
"Probably" he said.
"I'm sorry if you feel bad about it."
"I don't. Do you?"
She sighed.
"No."
"Have you told Henry?"
"He told me not to call him anymore this week. He didn't want to hear more about… you."
Puck raised his eyebrows.
"That's what he said?"
"Yeah, now you finally know."
They kept peddling but she was so tired that they were ending up further and further behind the others. Quinn tried to go faster but she couldn't. Her body didn't obey her.
"Do you ever think you would have wanted that life?" Puck asked suddenly. "The life of the Changs, I mean?"
"Sometimes. It seems easier. No law school. No student loans. No boyfriend that all your friends hate. No kid that you never get to see."
The words left her mouth too quickly. She had no time to think them through.
"I get it" he said
"Do you?" she asked. "Do you want it?"
"Yeah" he said. "Sometimes. I just… It would be less lonely, I guess, having a family."
"Yeah" she breathed.
They turned right and almost crashed into the others who had stopped. Quinn screamed as she squeezed the breaks as hard as she could. Puck managed to swerve around the others better.
"Okay" Rachel said. "Everyone's here."
She pointed at a red house with a huge front porch where tables stood cluttered. The sign on the side of the house read "restaurant" and Quinn sighed. Lunch. She had never needed anything more.
…