Chapter 4D: "Omnis Homo Mendax"
Jim blinked, wondering why he was on the floor instead of on his bed. Remembering what happened yesterday, Jim stood up quickly, chastising himself for leaving a kid without any adult supervision. He knew Spock was still awake when he fell asleep; he'd probably got bored and started wandering around the ship. What if he got hurt, or lost, or tried to contact his parents? How could he have been so irresponsible? Good thing Sulu was in charge of Lilly and Amanda had her relatives to take care of her. He was an idiot for…
"Jim?"
Turning around quickly, Jim noticed Spock sitting on the floor at a prudent distant; he seemed to be in the traditional position for meditating. Jim let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
"Spock! Thank God! Wait… why are you awake?"
"I informed you that Vulcans do not need as much sleep as humans. I have completed my rest cycle and I must meditate to keep my barriers strong," the kid explained in a matter-of-fact tone. The message left unsaid was clear: I told you I would win, so there, ha, ha.
"Oh." Jim blinked. "But you slept, right?"
"Yes."
"How many hours?" Jim frowned. Kids needed more rest than adults, even Vulcan kids.
"I slept sufficiently," Spock answered cryptically.
Spock said he was meditating; Jim had probably interrupted him with his small break-down.
"Sorry, you can continue with your meditation thing." Jim smiled.
"Do not concern yourself, Jim. I had finished my exercises and I was waiting for you to wake up."
"You just sat there waiting for me to wake up," Jim repeated.
"Affirmative."
The kid didn't seem jaded or annoyed about the waiting thing; Jim confirmed what he had thought, Vulcans were boring no matter the age. They were far too patient and controlled, if this kid had been him, he would have already started ripping something apart or wandering around to see everything. He thought better of voicing his thoughts though, Spock could get pissed again if Jim approached the 'you aren't like a human kid' topic.
"How about you take a shower, then? While you change, I'll take one too and then we can go and have breakfast."
Spock didn't seem too thrilled about taking a shower; at least this was a normal behavior for a kid. He nodded, entering the bathroom as slowly as he could walk. Jim pinched the bridge of his nose; this was going to be a long day.
Spock obediently did everything Jim asked. He had meditated about the situation, and concluded that if he showed exceptional behavior, Jim might be inclined to let him stay aboard the Enterprise. Even though he was still considered a child by Starfleet standards, in comparison with other races he was intelligent and mature, and he probably was more efficient than some humans aboard the vessel. He was certain he was at least at the same level as the Russian man who kept smiling at Jim. He was young as well, Jim said he was seventeen. He wasn't considered an adult by his own race, if he was allowed to serve, it was logical to conclude that Spock wouldn't have a hard time convincing the Admiralty of the benefits of having a Vulcan aboard, even when he knew he wouldn't be serving with his adult rank. It didn't matter; he only wanted to stay.
During breakfast, Jim was explaining the next course of action to Spock. Spock didn't agree.
"I do not see why I have to stay aboard the ship," Spock said in his best neutral voice.
"Last time you beamed down, you came back like this. I'm afraid that if you beam back again, you'll be turned into a baby," Jim smiled.
Spock didn't find the comment amusing, but he didn't say anything about it. He was trying to show that he was respectful and could stick to orders. This wasn't different to when his father requested more control from Spock. He could manage without involving human emotions. It was hard, Spock was so tempted to convince Jim the way his mother convinced him to do things he didn't want to do: with a sad face and watery eyes. That would be shameful, but still, a small part of him was insisting on doing it.
"Why are you pouting, kid?" Jim asked suddenly. "You aren't beaming down. Anyway, you'll have a blast with Sulu; he volunteered to take you to the Botany lab."
"If I was affected by the current mission, it is logical that I beam down with you and see what can be resolved." Spock knew his argument held no value when he was nine years old and without any memory of his professional training. He had to try anyway.
"It's nice to know you are stubborn at any age," Jim said gleefully.
"I am not stubborn," Spock disagreed strongly.
"Yeah, you say the same thing every time," Jim waved his hand, dismissing what Spock just said. He tried to subdue a small pang of annoyance at seeing this. His father was fond of dismissing what he had to say as well; that was one of the main reasons why Spock resented being a hybrid. If he was fully Vulcan, perhaps his father would be less patronizing. However, Jim didn't know about this, Spock had no reason to be upset just because Jim was treating him as he was used to treating children.
Although in Spock's opinion, children were often more intelligent and open than adults in several areas, no matter what the race.
"Captain," Mister Sulu approached their table, "is Uhura beaming down with you?"
"Don't call me that," Jim huffed. "And yes, she is."
"I was hoping…"
Spock noticed the small hesitation in Mister Sulu's voice.
"… I know, you want to beam down and see the trees. I'm sorry Sulu, I need you here." Jim sounded sympathetic. "Scotty is needed in the Transporter room, and I need you in charge of the conn in case anything happens… Perhaps you can beam down alone later, when we see if we can get a solution about our current predicament and…"
"You are the Captain at the moment," Spock interrupted suddenly. "Your orders must be followed without the need for you to justify yourself." Spock was surprised at the bitter tone in his voice.
Jim and Mister Sulu must be surprised as well, since they stared at Spock, gaping. He wasn't sure what exactly had motivated him to say that; he didn't like hearing Jim giving so many explanations about why he was requesting Mister Sulu staying on the ship. He was in charge and they all must obey; if Mister Sulu didn't like it, he could transfer to another vessel. This was strange for Spock; he felt a strong desire to protect Jim from any malicious comment, and he wanted to show Jim that even when he didn't agree with him, he would obey as any other individual in this ship should do. And if he was obeying without questioning Jim, other must do this as well.
"It sucks, right?" Jim composed himself quickly. "Us adults are idiots, Spock, I know. But I'm afraid that you are staying anyway, and I'm being an ass and imposing my authority, but I prefer that to seeing you hurt. It's for your own good, even when you don't see it right now."
Jim had misunderstood Spock's intervention. He thought it was acrimony about the decision he made about Spock staying on the ship. He was about to clarify when Lieutenant Uhura walked towards them; she frowned the moment she saw Jim.
"Good morning, Captain, Sulu, Spock," Lieutenant Uhura said quickly.
"Ready, Uhura?" Jim asked, smiling. Spock tried to subdue his discomfort at the gesture.
"You aren't wearing that, right?" Uhura looked at Jim with dismay.
"What's wrong with it?" Jim sounded hurt. "It's my uniform; I don't see why you're giving me the evil eye about it."
"I do not see anything wrong with your attire, Jim," Spock said, partly to reassure his friend. He also wanted to make it clear that he didn't resent Jim's decision, even when a small part of him did indeed resent it.
"See? I'm good." Jim winked at Spock; he felt his face heating up. Why did Jim have this effect on him?
"I didn't mean it like that." Lieutenant Uhura glanced at Spock with a questioning look. Spock puffed out his chest in a defensive manner in case the Lieutenant wanted to confront him about his comment. "You are wearing red."
"So?"
"Captain, remember last time? Natives aren't fond of the color, you almost had to strip so they stopped glaring at you," Lieutenant Uhura said in a tired tone.
Spock looked at Jim quickly, with an eyebrow arched.
"Oh, that's why you're wearing blue then," Jim mused. "And I didn't strip," he clarified after seeing Spock's stare. He felt more tranquil after hearing this. He wondered why the image of Jim without clothing in front of strangers distressed him; perhaps it was because Jim could get sick without the proper garments to protect him from the environment.
Now the Lieutenant was looking at Jim oddly. Spock felt rather distrustful of that judgmental stare.
"Perhaps you can wear gold this time," Mister Sulu intervened. "You're the Captain after all."
"I don't know," Jim pondered. "It seems disrespectful. Maybe blue, Bones won't mind lending me a few shirts."
"Bones does mind." Doctor McCoy joined the table. "You're bulkier than me. I don't want you stretching my shirts."
"What, then?" Jim glared at Doctor McCoy. "Are you suggesting I should go half naked?"
Spock didn't like the way the conversation was developing.
"If I recall correctly, being half naked has always been something you take advantage of," Doctor McCoy spat.
"I doubt that would work in this case," Jim said sarcastically.
"If you believe wearing the proper attire for a Captain is disrespectful to me, I assure you that I do not mind," Spock said, attracting the attention of everyone on the table. "And you are Captain of the vessel."
Jim looked taken aback; Spock felt a small rush of fear invade him. Had he upset Jim when he was trying to do the opposite? This was the second time that his intentions were misunderstood, perhaps it was prudent for Spock to just be quiet.
"I… well…" Jim blushed profusely. Interesting, Spock didn't know humans could get that shade of red; probably the consequence of having iron in their blood. "Blue is fine Spock, but thank you… it was… nice of you."
Jim said it was nice of him, yet he didn't sound like he was grateful. He sounded ashamed, and Spock felt guilty; he didn't want Jim to be upset. He was having a hard time trying to be supportive, Spock wasn't used to this. He had no idea what a friend should do, and when he saw Doctor McCoy palming Jim's back and the thankful smile Jim flashed in his direction, Spock felt a pang of jealousy. The fact that he had just admitted to feeling jealousy showed how disturbed he was by the emotion. Why couldn't Spock behave more like McCoy, who obviously knew what do to when Jim needed him?
Spock wanting to be more like McCoy was clear proof of how much Jim meant to him; he hoped his adult self was better trained about these situations, otherwise he must be a terrible friend to Jim, and he deserved better.
"Come on, then," McCoy said suddenly. "We better get you ready to beam down."
"Okay. Uhura, I'll see you in the Transporter Room in ten minutes. Sulu, can you stay with Spock until he finishes his breakfast?"
"Of course, Captain."
"May I see you beam down, Jim?" Spock asked shyly. He wanted to be sure that Jim was secure.
"Uhm…" Jim glanced at McCoy, which annoyed Spock. "Sure."
Jim smiled kindly before walking away from the mess hall. Spock wasn't really sure what had just happened.
"Did you hear him?" Jim was panicking again. This was too much to handle in such short time.
"I'm not deaf." Bones smirked. "Someone has a crush on you, Jimmy."
"Shut up! He's a kid, it's disturbing."
"Get over yourself, I bet you had crushes at Spock's age as well," Bones scowled. "I don't see why you're making a big deal out of this."
"It's…. he… and I…. It's not…"
"Informative," Bones smiled.
"Fine, I'll stop complaining." Jim sighed.
"What's the plan? Are you going to get violent with them or what?"
"No, I don't think it will work anyway. I'll try diplomacy first."
Noticing the silent stare Bones was directing him, Jim frowned.
"What?"
"Hearing you say that you'll try diplomacy… it's bemusing…" Bones shook his head. "Maybe I'm too old for this shit."
"Maybe I just grew up."
"Maybe," Bones smiled. "Where are you leaving your kid?"
"He's not my kid, and he's staying with Sulu. He's showing him Lilly, Sulu is ecstatic because it has…" Jim noticed Bones' smirk. "SHE has another blossom and it's blue."
"It matches your eyes," Bones cooed. "That's so sweet. Your other kid takes after you."
"I'm done with kids. Next time I'm getting a pet rock or something."
"Firefly reference?"
"Star Wars."
"I never got those films."
"Bones, you only watch westerns; that's why I hate having old movie marathons with you."
They both smiled. It had been a while ago since they had a moment to just chat without worrying about missions, deaths or adults turning into kids. Sighing, Jim realized that it was time to beam down and see how the hell he was fixing this mess.
Spock saw Jim disappear from the Transporter room in a column of fading blue light. He was familiar with the technology, but he never had used it since he hadn't had left Vulcan. It was safer for him to stay there than to travel with his father, who probably wouldn't want him there anyway. He had to study and meditate; he didn't have time to accompany his father even if he had been asked if he wanted to come along.
He wondered how his mother handled being so far from what she called 'home' and being distanced from her family. For a human, that must be difficult; Spock missed his mother, and it was barely two days since he last saw her – or, at least, remembered seeing her. This helped Spock to better understand the 'nostalgia' his mother claimed to feel from time to time. Perhaps he could have been more sympathetic towards his mother, although until now he had not truly grasped the complexity of the feeling. Perhaps when he returned to his adult self he could call his mother and share this new information. She would be thrilled to know that Spock finally got the feeling after all these years, 'it's never too late', according to her. Spock smiled. He felt excited to see his mother's face; her big smile and her kind words saying that she knew he could do it. True, he shouldn't feel that, he was Vulcan, but given the situation, he could indulge the feeling, if it made his mother happy.
Jim hadn't mentioned if the ion storm had passed, perhaps he could call his mother when Jim beamed back.
"Spock, would you like to see Lilly?"
Spock noticed how Lieutenant Sulu smiled at him. He nodded and followed his lead. He hoped he would be able to contact his parents and let them know he was okay. Then he realized that they wouldn't be worried because to them, he was an adult enrolled in Starfleet. He wasn't a kid, and they didn't need reassurance about Spock and his wellbeing.
Spock needed reassurance about them, though. He needed to know how they were, and see what they thought of this situation. His mother probably would make a very unhelpful comment, but that was what Spock missed about her. How she was so wise, and yet sometimes she said things that made no sense whatsoever. She was so human… and he liked Jim because he was like his mother. He barely made sense sometimes, and yet he was intelligent and often had interesting arguments. They were unique, which was contradictory since if they both shared traits, then they weren't unique; to Spock, they seemed that way, as incongruous as it sounded. Spock wanted to share information about his friendship with Jim with his mother too, but maybe she was already aware of it. He wondered if they had met already, or if they had conversed. Jim hadn't mentioned anything, Spock would bear this in mind next time he saw Jim and ask him about it.
Jim was bored. Bored, bored, bored and bored. Uhura and the blue things-natives had been making noises for two hours, and he was left to sit on a rock (blue, in case anyone questioned the devotion these fellows had to the color) and watch them. They seemed less wary about him with the blue shirt, but he sensed eyes on him from time to time to see if he was behaving. He wondered… if he stuck out his tongue and whirled it around… would they be offended or just aroused? Maybe they wouldn't even know the uses of tongue except for making noises.
This proved how bored Jim was. His mind always sidetracked to naughtiness when he had nothing to do but wait. Seeing the Ambassador kissing his Jim on the observation deck didn't help at this moment either.
"Are you okay?" Uhura frowned when she saw how Jim shook his head.
"Yeah. What happened? What did they say?"
"Well… they say that we did well, and they will join the Federation if we agree to never force any outsiders' ways on them."
"That sounds reasonable… about Spock?"
"They don't see anything wrong with Spock. As far as they're concerned, Spock proved himself worthy and he should admit his true nature now that they have shown it."
"His true nature?" Jim was starting to get angry. "He's a fucking child! Is he supposed to admit that he was once a kid? Because even though Spock is dense about human emotions, I think it's safe to say he admits that he was a child one time."
"Look, I'm just telling you what they told me, no need to get snippy." Uhura crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"Sorry," Jim sighed. This didn't look good at all. "And if he doesn't find his true nature… then what?"
Jim noticed Uhura chewing the inside of her cheek, like she was afraid of saying what they both feared out loud.
"If he finds his true nature, he's back to normal. If he doesn't… he must live again to find it."
"That means he has to grow up again, right?" Jim felt like a ton of bricks just fell on his head. "It would have been easier if he had been a mug."
"What?"
"Nothing. So they won't return Spock to normal?"
"No."
"But they can." Jim looked Uhura with determination.
"Yes," Uhura fidgeted, "they can, but they won't. He agreed, Jim, and even if we don't like it, they won't return Spock to normal. They had a purpose when they did that."
"Driving us nuts?" Jim glared.
"Perhaps." Uhura smiled weakly. "What are you orders?"
"We are going to beam back again. Tell them that tomorrow we'll sign the treaty and then we'll see how it goes from there."
Uhura made a few guttural noises, and the natives nodded enthusiastically. Well, at least someone found this amusing. As he was asking Scotty to beam them back up, he noticed a blue figure next to one of those who seemed to be the leaders of the planet. It was female if the hips and breasts were enough proof, but she was… different from the others. She looked less blue, if that made any sense, and she looked way too fragile. Jim wondered if she was sick, he could clearly see that there was something wrong with her. Jim tilted his head, and the girl imitated the gesture. Weird… blue light surrounded them, and when Jim blinked, he was in the Transporter room.
"Captain," Scotty greeted. "How did it go?"
"Not very well Scotty," Jim sighed, massaging his temples.
Jim saw the glance that Scotty and Uhura exchanged. He wondered if he was this obvious as well and Spock just pretended he didn't notice the non-verbal communication he sometimes shared with the crew. He took out his communicator.
"McCoy," he heard Bones' voice.
"Doctor McCoy, please meet me in the Conference room for an urgent meeting," Jim said in his best Captain voice that he'd practiced way before he thought of joining Starfleet.
"On my way, McCoy out."
Jim was glad Bones didn't make any jokes about how stupid he sounded; maybe he realized how seriously Jim was taking this thing. They had a child and there was no way to return him to normal now. They needed to decide what to do at this point.
"Uhura, Scotty, please join me in the Conference room," Jim said politely.
"Of course, Captain."
They walked in silence, Jim still thinking how he was handling this. Bones was already waiting for them; Jim let Uhura and Scotty enter the room and walked in behind them, letting the door close and activating the security lock.
"If Leonard and Scotty weren't here too, I would be afraid," Uhura tried to joke.
"Don't worry," Jim smiled, "you're safe."
Jim sat down, pinching the bridge of his nose. Damn, he would get a migraine later.
"I guess things didn't turn out well," Bones said in a low voice.
"That would be correct. Spock has to find his true nature, or grow up again and discover it," Jim said neutrally.
"What?" Bones gaped. "They are letting an adult staying as a kid just because they're nagging about 'true nature'?"
"It's their way," Uhura defended. "Spock agreed."
"Spock didn't know what he was doing. If they had said this, perhaps he would have done differently," Bones spat.
"They said there were risks, including death, and Spock was still fine with it." Uhura glared at Bones, hard.
"They never mentioned that they had the ability to change life-stages; if he was turned into an 80 year old, I bet you'd be worried."
"Not really, Vulcans have a long life-span."
"I don't know why you are being supportive of this stupid thing. He was your boyfriend, shouldn't you at least be concerned that he's experiencing something like this?"
"We can't change what happened, we shouldn't judge either. They gave us the choice and Spock took it. He knows more about taking responsibility for actions than all of us."
"Man, you're really cold," Bones said.
"And you lack objectivity," Uhura bit out.
"Are you two done?" Jim interrupted the discussion. That shut them up immediately, which Jim was grateful for. He wasn't in the mood to mediate things. Besides he was amazed that Bones had been defending Spock, Jim expected the opposite. Scotty just watched in silent contemplation; he and Jim had exchanged looks while Bones and Uhura were arguing and they came to the unspoken conclusion that they needed to vent their frustrations out loud. "Thank you for your insight, it is always appreciated. Still, we have to decide what to do next. I don't have a Commander since I'm the Commander on this damn ship, so Scotty, you're up for the post at the moment."
Scotty gaped, looking rather pissed. Yeah, he didn't want the post, Jim knew that; too bad he didn't care at the moment. He needed a Commander, and if Spock was staying like this permanently, he really needed to get things working without Spock in charge.
"It's temporary, Scotty," Jim lied. "We have to figure things out; I need a second in command. I'm giving you a promotion, be happy and move on."
"I don't want it, Captain," Scotty said sourly.
"I didn't exactly ask to be Captain while Spock's incapacitated for life; we suck it up and do our jobs, okay? This goes for everyone in this room. I don't care what your personal opinions about the situation are. We can all say whatever we want, but Uhura is right about something: we can't change what happened. We need to decide what we are going to do from here, okay?"
Everyone nodded their agreement, and Jim felt relieved. He wasn't sure if his speech was going to work, it was the first time he'd assumed control like this since the Narada incident.
"Bones, did you find anything to help Spock return to normal?" Jim asked after taking a deep breath.
"No. His readings are normal, nothing out of the ordinary. No strange toxins or substances, M'Benga said that he was normal in the telepathy thing as well. He didn't find anything wrong medically speaking, so there's no way to turn him back to normal if he is normal."
Jim was expecting it, but still felt disappointed. When were all the magical and crazy solutions when you were looking for one?
"Scotty, any way we could return Spock to normal by ourselves?"
"Since Mister Spock wasn't turned into a lad with anything mechanical or any technology that we know of, we can't build something to help him."
"If the natives let you into the sacred chamber, maybe you…"
"No, that won't be possible." Uhura interrupted. "To them, it would be a great insult. Only chosen ones can enter."
"Well, if they lend us the magic rock…"
"They seem to be the only ones who are able to activate it. The energy to use it comes from them; I doubt they would use it to do what they've already refused to."
"So… what are our options?"
"We could make Spock see his true nature," Bones said in a low voice.
"We don't even know what his true nature is." Jim sighed again.
"Maybe we can keep talking to him and see if we can help him discover it. It could work," Uhura suggested.
"But it could also fail," Jim pointed out. "We can't have a kid onboard permanently; this is not an adequate environment for him. What do you think, Bones?"
"The kid needs to be in a healthier environment, I agree with that. We can't provide the things that a growing Vulcan needs."
"Uhura?"
"Spock is a child, even when we aren't used to seeing him that way. We should do what is best for him."
"Scotty?"
"We can't wait to see if he somehow manages to return to an adult, it could take time and he would be asking about events we can't explain."
Jim smiled sadly. All made valid points, Scotty in particular. Spock was a curious child, he was going to need a lot of supervision if they wanted to keep him in the dark about what happened to Vulcan. They couldn't spend their lives protecting Spock when they also had a ship to run.
"Then it's settled. Let's wait until the end of the week. If Spock hasn't found his true nature yet… we'll call his father and let him know what happened, so he can return to his own people."
Jim's heart broke after he said this, and he lowered his gaze to avoid looking at the others. Why this affected him so strongly was unnerving; Jim felt like he was about to lose the thing that allowed him to breathe. Damn emotional transference from other dimension's memories.
"About the ship?" Uhura asked timidly.
"I'm assuming command, Scotty stays First Officer for the moment, and I'll report to the Admiralty. Uhura, Scotty, go to the Bridge, I'll join you in a moment."
"Yes, sir," they both said at the same time, standing up. Jim unlocked the door and watched them leave.
"Are you okay, kid?" Bones asked, concerned.
"I'm not sure. I guess I feel bad for Spock…"
Bones didn't seem to buy it, but he didn't say anything else. He just stood up and walked towards Jim, who was leaning on the table for support.
"It's the best thing for him," Bones said, hugging Jim. "You're doing the right thing."
If that was true, why did Jim feel like it was tearing him apart? He tried to contain his sadness; he hadn't time to feel sad or frustrated. He had a ship to run.
However, in his best friend's arms, Jim decided to let this small part of him break. His body trembled lightly and he let out a small groan filled with disappointment and anger. If he was doing the best thing for Spock, how come that made him completely miserable? Just the idea of Spock returning to the Vulcan colony made Jim lonely. He liked to think that he and Spock could have been friends, at least in the basic meaning of the term, not the epic bond he saw constantly in the Ambassador's memories. He liked to think that he could be a part of Spock's life as much as Spock was becoming a part of his own. Now he would lose that, and he wasn't sure if that should affect him this way; he barely knew Spock, and he felt like he was giving up the best thing in his life. How messed up was that?
"What are you doing?"
Jim was startled to hear the small growl that accompanied that question. Bones just lifted his eyebrow curiously at the tiny figure next to Sulu, standing near the door.
"We were returning from the Botany lab," explained Sulu quickly, looking uncomfortable.
"Did you like Lilly, Spock?" Jim asked cheerfully, trying to subdue his bitterness and his wrecked emotional state.
"It was an educational visit," Spock said crossly. "May I ask why Doctor McCoy is holding you, Jim?"
"Oh… he… I…" Jim shouldn't be intimidated by the glare of a nine year old, and yet he was scared of getting that question wrong.
"Well Spock, he's my friend. As such, I get to hug him whenever I want," Bones said drily, still holding Jim.
"Bones," Jim warned. He didn't need Spock angry; enough persons on the ship felt that way without adding a Vulcan.
"I was not aware of that," Spock mused. "Is it customary for humans to embrace friends as well? I thought that was only meant for blood relations since it is a very personal gesture."
"No, friends hug, right Sulu?" Jim smirked. Sulu blushed, avoiding Jim's gaze.
"Is it also customary that the embrace is this prolonged? Doctor McCoy has been embracing you for approximately one point five minutes since we arrived."
"There's no time limit for hugs, Spock," Jim explained. "However, I agree that this one is taking far too long. Bones, get your paws off my body."
"So Spock, are you next in line? Jim just looooooves when people hug him." Bones grinned.
"Don't worry Spock, you don't have to hug me, I know Vulcans don't like that kind of contact," Jim said in a rush, without noticing the disappointment in Spock's eyes. "Everything okay, then?"
Sulu nodded while Spock walked to stand next to Jim. Damn, this kid wasn't giving him a break, was he?
"Have you eaten yet, Spock?" Jim asked.
"Negative."
"How about we get something from the mess hall? Let me tell Scotty and we can go, okay?"
"Very well."
Jim knew that tone of voice. It was excitement. He felt a small pang of guilt. He decided to take the opportunity to spend as much time as he could with Spock, either to help him discover his true nature, or just to create memories… because when Spock returned to Vulcan, that was going to be all Jim would have from Spock; only memories.
"Jim, are you well?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Jim flashed his best smile. "Let's go."
Jim felt a small tug on his arm, and he turned to see Bones looking at him with a frown. Jim nodded, knowing the meaning of the gesture: be careful.
Spock didn't know what had happened on the planet, but when he was walking with Mister Sulu and noticed Jim and Doctor McCoy in a very personal embrace, he had to step in. He wasn't sure about his motivations, he only knew he had to stop it, and he even growled. He wished that Jim didn't hear it, he didn't seem to have done so, he didn't mention anything. When McCoy said that friends also embrace as a way to show affection, Spock felt a small thrill. He had only been embraced by his mother, no matter how many times he told her he didn't like it. It wasn't entirely true – he felt uncomfortable, but he did enjoy the warmth and closeness that the gesture allowed. He would like to experience that with Jim.
However, Jim said it wasn't necessary, and Spock didn't want to push the boundaries of their friendship. He would have liked to embrace Jim, but perhaps they weren't at that stage of their acquaintance. It looked like Doctor McCoy knew Jim better, and Spock wasn't sure about the social protocol in these kind of situations. He let his disappointment flow, and felt content with sharing his meal with Jim even when he wasn't really hungry.
Besides, he wanted to talk to Jim. What he'd just discussed with Lieutenant Sulu left Spock wondering a lot of things. According to Mister Sulu, Spock had only beamed down on one mission, letting Jim handle the rest. For what he gathered, Jim beamed down when missions were dangerous, which made absolutely no sense to him. How was it that a Commander beamed down to hostile missions while the Captain stayed on the ship? That couldn't be correct, the Captain must be on dangerous missions to prevent any harm to his crew.
Spock decided to ask first about his current situation, and then express what was bothering him.
"I'm sorry, kid," Jim said apologetically. "We haven't found a way to return you to normal."
Spock tried to hide his surprise. He hadn't stated his question out loud.
"Your eyes," explained Jim, without letting Spock express his second query out loud. "They asked me for you."
Spock's mother often said that his eyes betrayed his Vulcan heritage, now he saw she was right.
"I see." Spock didn't have another reply; he hardly could argue something that was blatantly obvious. "What shall we do?"
"We'll wait; maybe you can return to your adult self on your own."
Spock lifted an eyebrow.
"Yeah, yeah, I know, it's worth a try, right?" Jim chuckled.
It was bemusing. Jim seemed to know what Spock meant without the necessity of him voicing his thoughts.
"We're going back tomorrow, maybe something will come up."
They stayed silent while Spock tried to think of the best way to approach the subject he wanted to without sounding rude or demanding.
"Spill it, kid," Jim said calmly. "You won't offend me, it takes a lot to manage that."
Spock was sure he was showing his surprise no matter how much he tried to conceal it. If he didn't know Jim was human, he would say he had telepathic abilities. The way he just knew what Spock was thinking was uncanny.
"The eyes," said Jim again. "You have that look when you want to ask me something, but you're afraid that I'll get angry."
Apparently Jim knew him better than Spock had suspected. This made him feel relieved for an unknown reason. Maybe it was because only his mother truly knew him; it was reassuring knowing that he had another person in his life who cared enough to fight all his Vulcan resistance and felt he was worth the time. Spock had resigned himself a long time ago to the fact that his mother was the only person who didn't mind the effort.
"I was talking with Lieutenant Sulu," Spock said finally. "He explained how the mission where you got the plant went, and he told me about other missions as well."
"Okay…" Jim encouraged him to continue.
"There is a detail that I cannot comprehend. I apologize if I sound blunt. Am I an incompetent Captain?"
Jim gaped while he tried to recover the spoon that slipped from his fingers when he heard Spock.
"W-what?"
Spock knew Jim had heard him. Humans often asked for repetition when they didn't like what someone said. Spock just titled his head.
"What makes you say that?" asked Jim, trying to regain some composure. Spock understood what his mother meant by 'cute expression' when he saw Jim. He had the most endearing expression he had ever seen.
"According to the Lieutenant, you were injured when you beamed down on two different missions whilst I stayed aboard. You seem to take the missions that are labeled as dangerous, and I concluded that it was because I cannot fulfill my job properly and need your constant help. If that is the case and you are doing this for the sake of our friendship, I wonder how I allowed it, and mostly, how I managed to get the Captaincy if you seem to be better suited for the post."
Spock spoke calmly and he sounded rational enough. He didn't sound petty or angry, and he was truly curious about the answer Jim would provide. It was indeed a puzzle how he allowed Jim to cover his incompetence and, more than that, how he hadn't prepared better for his job. He hoped that what Jim was about to say didn't hurt his already beaten pride.
Jim wasn't sure how to answer Spock. He had no idea the kid had concluded that Jim was better just because he took the risks. He decided to quote regulations.
"According to regulations, the Captain and First Officer cannot beam down at the same time when a mission is labeled as dangerous," Jim explained. "The ship needs someone in command at all times."
"That does not explain why you are the one beaming down all the time." Spock lifted his eyebrow.
"It doesn't have to do with ability, Spock. You're the best Captain in the whole fleet; you're rational, make decisions quickly and can kick everyone's ass with your super strength." Jim noticed how Spock blushed lightly. He felt a small tug in his head again. "But you chose the wrong Commander."
"I beg your pardon?" Spock said in a clipped tone.
"You chose me to be your first, but you never took in account that I'm stubborn, I defy protocol all the time and I have little respect for authority; so when a dangerous mission is assigned, I discuss things with you and then I do whatever I want. I even manage to quote a few regulations to keep you in check, but the truth is that if you opposed me, I wouldn't care. I'm your Commander, I'm the one who should take the risks. I'm not important, you are the one who really matters."
Spock seemed to be digesting what he had said, and Jim admitted that perhaps he'd gone too far and made a fool of himself. Spock had no idea of what was the adult version of him had been thinking when he decided to ask Jim to join his crew. He didn't want Spock to believe that he was incompetent, though.
"I believe I noted all those characteristics, and they were what made me choose you," Spock said. "And you are as important as I am on the ship, we are a team, correct?"
"Well, yeah, but…"
"Then, if I remember correctly, team work requires effort. It is not fair that one member of the team exhaust himself because he feels he should do everything alone. The sole purpose of team work is not doing things as individuals. I concede that differences can emerge, but that is not justification for wanting to ignore the team in order to make things our own way and make the rest of the team feel ineffective."
Jim felt like Spock had just punched him. The kid seemed really invested in this topic, and Jim wondered if adult Spock ever felt this way and kid Spock was just gutsy enough to say it to Jim's face. He had to admit that adult Spock always seemed to be wary of what he said, using tact in a way that should be illegal. Jim was so focused on keeping Spock out of danger, he forgot that perhaps his good intentions were misinterpreted. Damn, he'd messed up again. The Kirk charm: even when you are doing a good deed, you screw up.
"You're right," Jim said, trying to sound calm. "I guess I was just trying to protect you… since it's my job and all." Jim didn't know why he needed to clarify that taking care of Spock was done simply as his task. Truth was, Jim would do it even if he didn't have to.
"A noble intention." Spock titled his head; this was exactly what adult Spock would say. "Nevertheless, inefficient. I imagine that if I was not capable of the job, I would not have obtained it, unless you helped me to get the Captaincy, which would be bemusing since it would be morally wrong and illogical, and I doubt I will change my mind about the topic even when I am older."
"Right again, you don't back down when you think something is wrong. No, I didn't help you, you earned it."
"Then I am capable of defending myself, perhaps better than you," Spock pointed out and yes, he had that annoying tone Spock used when he wanted to prove how weak Jim was in comparison with 'Vulcan strength and fighting techniques' or some bull like that; how he hated that tone. It was more tolerable from the kid, but still annoying.
"It shouldn't mean that you need to risk your neck in everything… and why am I discussing this with a kid anyway? Your concerns right now should be… I don't know, what do you do for fun?"
Jim saw the eyebrow lifted. You don't fool me with the change of topic, you know I'm right.
"I do not understand," Spock said neutrally.
"Yeah, what are your hobbies? Do you like to play some sport?"
"Oh… enjoyment time." Spock nodded. "My mother often obliged me to take an hour of my schedule to partake in activities that were of no benefit for my learning or development. I like to play board games."
"Like Monopoly?"
"That would be one of the games my mother insisted on playing. They were old designs. I have suggested that we 'play' with the advantages of technology, however she insists that 'the old-fashioned way' is the best choice."
"I totally agree with her," Jim said, "it's just not the same."
"I thought you would agree. You two are very alike."
"Are you calling me a woman?" Jim pretended to be hurt.
"Of course not, that would be illogical, you were born a male, therefore I could not call you a female without lying. Vulcans do not lie," Spock explained quickly, looking like he was afraid of offending Jim.
"Vulcans don't lie, huh?" Jim smirked. "Are you sure? You said you meditated for one hour and forty five minutes instead of two hours, don't you lie to your father then?"
"No. He inquires if I have realized all my meditation exercises, which I do, but not in the time-frame he expects."
"Sneaky. I've noticed you do that. You answer in such a vague way we don't know what you mean."
"The problem is with the inquiring technique; the question should be expressed clearly to avoid misunderstandings. General questions lead to general answers. Specific questions lead to knowledge."
"Are you sure you're nine?" Jim frowned. "You sound even more uptight than our adult Spock."
"Perhaps my speech was modified once I stopped my quest to prove myself worthy of my culture," Spock said coldly. "Does it bother you?"
"No, I'm good. Just…" Jim didn't know what to say. "It's fun." Idiot, thought Jim you couldn't come up with something better?
Spock only nodded.
"Jim… If I may…."
"What's up?"
"Is that a figurative query? Mother often asks this kind of question and I am not sure of the correct answer."
Figurative query? What the hell was that? Oh, right! Spock was formal at this age, he didn't know human colloquialisms. His only human contact so far had been with his mother.
"I meant that you can ask anything you want," Jim clarified.
"Oh…. Very well. I was wondering if I can talk to my parents." Spock bit his bottom lip.
Jim felt an adrenaline rush run through his entire body; he knew he had to maintain the lie, yet he was frozen about what to do. If Spock didn't return to normal, he would have to know about his mother. But if he returned to his adult self, there was no need to traumatize the kid.
"I'm afraid we're still having problems with our communicators, I'm sorry Spock." Jim truly was sorry.
"I see."
Jim looked at Spock, noticing the kid's small frown; he wasn't sure if Spock thought Jim was lying or if he was just upset because he missed his parents.
"Would you like to play chess, Spock? I bet I can win." Jim smiled gently.
Spock nodded again, smiling weakly as well. Poor kid, this needed to be resolved fast or else things could get really ugly. He had a lot to consider though, after hearing Spock's musings about the leadership on the Enterprise. Maybe Spock was right and he needed to back off, adult Spock had expressed how tiring it was for him to have a second in command who questioned him all the time. This was something to sleep on, if sleep ever came. Jim predicted he would be up all night thinking about how messed up things were.
Jim observed as Uhura and the natives spoke with several noises. He should have made Uhura teach him this thing, but there wasn't enough time for Jim to grasp the complexity of the sounds, or so Uhura said. She was the best in her field, Jim gave her credit, but he was also very proficient with languages. She could ask around and confirm it. Too bad Uhura still thought Jim was an idiot… which was still an improvement from thinking he was a dumb hick who only had sex with farm animals.
"They want us to explore the planet with them and they will explain their culture to us," Uhura said after making a weird sound.
"And then they'll sign the treaty?" Jim was impatient. Spock was a child, and if they didn't sign after that, then this would suck. They should at least obtain what the stupid Admiralty wanted so they could back off.
"Yes, after they explain."
"All right then. Lead the way."
Uhura made a few clacking noises, and the natives nodded.
"Just to be clear, if you want something you must ask first."
"Of course, I'm a polite person," Jim said mockingly.
"I'm sure," Uhura said drily.
The natives started walking, and Jim followed them without exactly being invited by anyone. Since Uhura was the only one able to communicate with them, they probably saw it as useless to acknowledge Jim as a part of the ride. Not the first time it had happened, probably not the last. Jim had no problem with blending into the background. It gave him a better perspective than being the one in the spotlight. Contrary to what everyone thought of him, Jim didn't go around showing off what he could do. He just did it, and if people noticed it, great, if they didn't, it wouldn't kill him.
They had been walking for at least half an hour, when Jim noticed the girl he saw yesterday sitting near a blue tree. She looked contemplative. Since nobody gave a shit about Jim being part of the exploring group, he walked as discreetly as he could towards the girl, without attracting too much attention to himself. This could be his opportunity find out something to help Spock.
The group kept walking, not even noticing Jim was gone; excellent. He sat down next to the girl, who only looked at him with a weird expression. Jim didn't know if it was anger or boredom. What was the noise Uhura made when she wanted to say 'hi'? It was something like rolling the tongue… Jim decided to just go with the sound that fit best and see what happened.
The girl blinked and returned the sound. Great, either he said 'hi' or he insulted her and she insulted him back. Trying to think of another way to communicate with her, Jim tilted his head in deliberation; the girl imitated the gesture, tilting her head to the same side Jim just did. Perplexing.
"I come in peace?" Jim said, raising his hand like he'd seen in the old movies. That was really stupid, Jim was doing a lot of those things lately.
The girl made a few noises that of course Jim didn't understand. Jim tried to imitate the sound and the girl gaped. Okay, bad move.
"No, no," Jim shook his head. "I…" Jim tried to backtrack and see if he could make another noise. He ended making a 'mu' sound that the girl found confusing if the eyes were any indication.
"This would be a lot easier if we had some sort of translator," Jim muttered. "Honestly, how can someone do his job if Starfleet doesn't even…"
Before Jim could continue rambling, the girl took both sides of his head with her hands, and closed her eyes. Jim felt a small dose of fear; what if she turned him into… what would be his true nature? A worm? He decided to leave the self-image issues for later and focus on whatever the girl was doing, which didn't seem to be much. She was just touching his head, and not in a way that could be labeled inappropriate.
She finally let go, opening her eyes slowly and blinking.
"Hello," she said in a raspy voice.
Jim was too surprised to yell.
"W-what… you can talk?"
"I can communicate with what I learned about your language," the girl said slowly.
"But… but… if you can do that, how come nobody else did it when we were trying to negotiate?"
"You are outsiders. The elders believe in preserving our gifts and they thought you should adapt to us instead of the other way." The girl sounded annoyed.
"And I see you don't agree."
"I do not agree with many things the elders say." She tilted her head. "I feel your distress."
"Well… it's weird. Can you really talk just from putting your hands on the sides of my head?"
"I talked before I did that. To a better understanding, I absorbed your sounds and language, you were the one who made the first contact."
"I guess you're right on that one." Jim sighed. Okay, now he'd better obtain something juicy from this. "Can I ask you something?"
The girl blinked. Jim took that as a yes.
"Do you know how to reverse what happened to our Captain?"
"He has to find his true nature," she said calmly.
"Yeah, I know that one. I mean another way… something magical; can you touch him and return him to normal?"
"The sacred chamber does not reverse its gifts. That was a gift, it cannot be reverted without logical reason."
"Are you sure?" Jim knew that if he said they couldn't have a kid as Captain the natives wouldn't give a damn. It wasn't a logical reason for them.
"It was a gift."
Yeah, some gift. They should have made a list of acceptable gifts for them or something. Jim pinched the bridge of his nose; he was making this gesture a lot lately. They stayed silent for a few moments, and Jim decided to inquire about the culture. At least he could understand this time instead of letting Uhura get all the info.
"I don't want to sound rude, but how come you aren't as blue as the others?" Jim asked.
The girl titled her head again. She probably thought this meant 'what?' or something, she did that when Jim seemed to confuse her.
"All the other fellows are shiny blue, you are… less shiny; are you sick?" Jim asked, pointing to the girl's arms.
"You are also less shiny than the others," the girl said. "Are you sick?"
"We aren't shiny."
"You are less shinny here." The girl lifted her hand and poked Jim's left eye.
"Ouch! Hey! Why did you do that for?" Jim rubbed his eye, looking at the girl sourly with the non-poked eye.
"I apologize. I thought you would stop me, as I stopped you."
"You didn't stop me, I stopped by myself knowing not to poke people," Jim muttered angrily. Damn, that hurt.
"I stopped you. Are you sick?"
"No, I'm not sick. And why do you say I'm less shiny? My eyes are fine… well, before you decided to take one out."
The girl blinked repeatedly, like she was assimilating the information.
"Your companions have shiny eyes. Your eyes are not shiny. The elders and the siblings are shiny, I am not shiny."
"Thanks for the clarification. So… are you less shiny because you're sick or what?"
"I believe we have the same disease. We have damaged souls."
Well, how Jim could argue with that? Even if for some reason he believed he had a soul, it probably would be damaged after everything he lived through.
"Perhaps you're right, we have the same disease. Any idea how to cure us?"
"It could help if we know why the soul is sick. I feel your mourning about the losses in your life." The girl poked Jim's chest. "It damages the soul, having those regrets."
"No more poking, okay?" The girl retrieved her hand quickly. "And this isn't fair, you got to know me with your absorbing thing, and I barely know anything about you."
"What would you like to know?"
"First, what's your name?"
The girl made a clacking sound twice.
"Nice to meet you," Jim said. "Why do you think your soul is damaged?"
"I am dying."
That was the last thing Jim expected to hear.
"Then you are sick," Jim said forcefully. "What's wrong?"
"I do not know. The elders say I am dying soon."
"And they can't put you in the chamber or something? It could help you… Or they could give you medicine… we have a doctor onboard if you want a second opinion."
"I do not want to. Dying is a part of mortality; if it is my duty, I will die regardless of what I do to prevent it."
"How is that your duty?" Jim frowned.
"It brings balance to the universe. Mortals dying means mortals are born as well. It would not be possible for the universe to exist if it did not reach that balance. If nobody died, then everyone would be born and it would be chaotic. In order to reach balance, I must die. My duty is letting another mortal be a part of the universe as I am."
"That makes sense in a twisted way… but I think it's stupid."
The girl tilted her head.
"If you live expecting to die, well, that's just depressing; you're saying you want to give someone else the opportunity to enjoy life, but you aren't enjoying it because you're focused on dying. Then you aren't living. Maybe you're dying, but you don't know when, it could be tomorrow…." It could be in five months, it could be in ten years. We'll die, and I'm taking advantage of the opportunity of being here, Jim. I'm living… Jim rephrased Kevin's words when they talked about Tarsus. He had been living… while Jim just existed.
"It would make a difference if I enjoy my life, even when I know I will die?" the girl asked, genuinely confused.
"It will help your damaged soul," Jim said softly. And mine too, he thought bitterly.
"The elders are coming, I can feel them. I apologize."
"Why?"
Last thing Jim saw was the girl touching his forehead, and then darkness.
"Welcome to the world of the living." Jim heard Bones' voice echoing. "Open you goddamned eyes already."
Jim stirred, blinking slowly. What happened? He sat up quickly, remembering the mission and the girl.
"Easy." Bones put his hands on Jim's chest to stop him. "How are you feeling?"
"Confused," Jim frowned. "Why am I in sickbay?"
"Scotty brought you. Apparently you pissed off a girl or something and she knocked you unconscious." Bones smiled. "We're thinking of giving her a present for that."
"I didn't piss her off, she was… never mind," Jim sighed. She probably didn't want to be caught talking to an outsider. "Uhura?"
"Yes, Captain?" Uhura came into view. She was in Sickbay too?
"Did something happen to you?" Jim looked at her doubtfully.
"No, I was waiting for you to wake up. Spock was here for a while, I convinced him to go and wait for you in your quarters with Yeoman Rand watching him."
"Sounds good," Jim said tiredly. "The mission?"
"Everything went smoothly; the girl we found standing next to you while you were lying unconscious apologizes deeply for causing it. She said it was necessary, though… I have to ask sir, and please don't take offense but… were you hitting on her or something?"
"What? No! Why? Did she say something?"
"No, but she looked regretful about putting you to sleep, she apologized several times and she said it was necessary."
"I didn't do anything." Well… in a sense he had, but he couldn't explain that to Uhura. Jim suddenly felt something strange. Like… sadness. Why would he be sad? Then a jolt of anger and shock… Spock.
"I have to go." Jim got up quickly from the bed, bolting from Sickbay before Bones could stop him. It was weird, Jim felt like Spock was in trouble or something had happened to the kid; but Rand was with him, he couldn't be hurt.
He punched the code to his room, and in the moment he stepped in, he knew things had gone to hell already. Spock was standing in front of his desk, with a picture in his hands. The picture Jim had kept to remind him of the ones he lost… the picture of the Memorial Wall honoring all the deaths in the Narada incident.
Spock didn't seem to notice Jim in the room, as he stared at the picture with disbelief. Jim tried to think of how to explain everything in case Spock hadn't connected the dots yet and was just curious or something.
"This is why I cannot call my parents, correct?" Spock said in a low and dangerous voice. "They are dead."
Jim gulped. He had to be honest now; not much else he could do at this point. He was an idiot, how could he forget about the picture? He ordered everyone not to screw up things and he was the first one who did. Guilt, fear and sadness rushed inside of him.
"No," Jim said.
"Do not lie to me anymore." Spock glared at him. He actually glared and Jim felt a sense of déjà vu. Spock had the same look as the adult version had when he was about to throttle someone.
"I'm not lying. Your dad is alive. Spock…"
"Do not speak," Spock demanded and Jim shut his mouth. "You lied to me, you deceived me. You pretended to be my friend… I… My mother…"
Next thing Jim knew, he had an angry Vulcan unleashing his entire wrath with punches that Jim tried to dodge and block the best he could, even when they weren't exactly aimed at him, but at the furniture around them. Spock was crying, which broke Jim more; he had tried so hard to prevent this, to spare Spock any suffering, and he'd failed again. He was a failure, and pathetic, and he should be exiled to avoid damaging others. Spock kept breaking things, kicking whatever crossed his path and giving Jim the biggest bruises he'd ever had so far since he was trying to stop him. He called Jim a liar, and sobbed while he crashed the picture into the nearest wall. Spock was about to hurt himself, sometimes when you were angry you didn't even notice your own wounds. He had to do something to stop him or they could be damaged severely, not just Jim but Spock as well.
I would avoid any contact with his hands… Jim was desperate. He decided to stop thinking and just do something, and he grabbed Spock's hands with force. That did the trick, the kid froze, seeing their hands joined and Jim squeezed them a little. Spock then blushed intensely, and broke the contact vehemently.
"I'm sorry, Spock," Jim said honestly. "I really am."
Thinking that there was no way he could make this worst, Jim got closer to Spock, and hugged him tightly. Spock tried to break free, but his efforts lacked strength, almost like he had accepted that he was defeated already. He finally stopped struggling and allowed the contact without saying anything else. Jim heard a small snuffle, and Spock closed his eyes, drifting into unconsciousness.
N/A: This wouldn't be one of my stories without some drama, right? My partner in crime, if I can't give you a sugar induced coma, I'm going to make you cry, wahaha! (ignore this). I'm also doing a statue for my amazing beta Anbessette, who keeps helping me with these monster chapters and somehow she hasn't dumped me yet.