Chapter 4E: "Per quae peccat quis, per haec et torquetur"
Spock woke up to find himself on the bed from what the Captain had said was his room. Memories of recent events rushed through his mind, and he felt ashamed and stupid. Of course his mother was dead, that was the reason he could not feel the parental bond they shared. He had all the information, the Captain was pretending to be his friend to deceive him, and yet he foolishly believed everything. On top of that, he disgraced his Vulcan heritage letting emotions cloud his judgment, again. He was supposed to have better control, he knew his mother had a short life-expectancy and his father had practically said this every day of his life, and he reacted like a brute. What was perplexing… Spock couldn't care less anymore. He felt humiliated, yet at this point he didn't mind at all. After he had been toyed with by every crewmember on this ship, and with his mother gone, why would he still hold onto his Vulcan pride? This took everything from him, he was no longer an acceptable Vulcan, he wasn't an acceptable human by any means, and he didn't have any role model in humanity to try and learn how to succeed; mostly, he had lost something and he knew he wouldn't get it back.
"How are you feeling?" He heard a familiar voice nearby.
He didn't answer. He had nothing to say to this person.
"Spock, we're worried… are you feeling sick?"
"Negative." Spock made sure to sound as cold as he could. He had had enough of these humans trying to mislead him. Particularly him.
"Are you sure?"
He didn't dignify that with an answer. He stared at the ceiling, blinking slowly. What was he supposed to do now? He only could think of one thing.
"I want to talk with my father," he demanded in his most challenging voice.
He saw the Captain sitting on the bed, in front of him, looking rather sad. Spock felt uncomfortable immediately. He knew that the Captain had defrauded him when he decided to lie to Spock and pretend to be his friend for his own selfish motives, but he didn't like the watery eyes and the defeated aura he was emanating. Spock didn't need telepathic abilities to know that this person was broken as well. They were both broken, and Spock felt that even enemies sometimes share a common ground.
It was clear that he no longer considered the Captain a friend, but comparing him to an enemy was extreme and Spock knew it. He couldn't get rid of that thought, it was a betrayal Spock wasn't sure he could let pass.
"I know… look… I know you're sad… and you have every right to be like that, but I think your mother would have liked…"
"Do not talk about her!" Spock glared and clenched his fists. "You have no right, I forbid you to say anything related to her or myself."
"Spock, you're human too, you need to…"
"I am not human. I am Vulcan, and you are keeping me here against my will. I want to talk with my father."
The Captain sighed tiredly. Spock could relate, he was also exhausted; he felt broken and empty.
"I lost my father too…"
Trying to gain sympathy? Not anymore, Spock wouldn't be fooled twice.
"I suggest you to go to counseling."
The Captain laughed bitterly.
"You are done with me, right?" he asked, and without waiting for an answer, he stood up and started walking toward the door. "I'm going to let Uhura in. I'll give you privacy, at least listen to her. After that, we'll call your father and agree on a way to get you back... home."
Spock felt a twinge of regret inside of him. He couldn't control all these feelings, he was having so many that it was hard to keep track. First he was angry, and then sad at seeing the Captain so broken; he was ashamed of letting humans deceive him, and he was sad again at the prospect of leaving the Enterprise. Spock had felt like he was home, at least before this incident, and now once again he had nowhere to belong, and nobody who could help him adapt.
He was alone without anywhere in the universe to fit in.
"I know you think I'm fucking with you," the Captain said in a low voice, "but I'm truly sorry for everything. I know what it's like when adults ruin things pretending to spare you pain, and I just turned out to be what I said I would never become. I'm sorry Spock, I just fucked up, and I don't know how to fix it."
He saw the Captain leaving the room; Spock let a single tear run down his cheek.
"Neither do I," he said in a whisper.
The first thing Jim did after getting out of Spock's room was run to Sickbay. He needed Bones now, or else he would do something stupid and reckless like pushing Spock to the limit. As he entered, he noticed his best friend standing near a bed writing something on his PADD.
Without saying anything else, he took two long strides and hugged him tightly. Surprised, Bones let the PADD fell to the ground with a low thud and hugged him back vehemently. He knew Jim needed this like crazy. He needed the support, since he felt he'd lost everything after his mistake.
"Nurse Chapel, take M'Benga and go update charts with the Engineering crew; there are still a few members who haven't turned up for their checkup."
"Yes, Doctor McCoy," she said hastily and left the room with M'Benga.
"Spock didn't react too well?" Bones said, caressing Jim's back.
"He hates me; that was expected…"
"If it was expected, then why are you shaking?"
"I expected it, but I didn't think it would hurt like this, Bones. You should have seen his face, he was… so cold, so distant… he ignored me… and it shouldn't matter, you know? The Vulcan hates me, big whoop, he should get in line, the list is long; but I couldn't stand it, it felt so wrong. I tried to blame Rand for leaving him unsupervised, I tried to blame the crew for letting him on my room alone, but I know it's all my fault, I was the moron who kept the picture on the desk, even when Spock and I had the stupid sleepover. I wonder how he didn't discover it earlier, I'm idiot enough, he's a clever kid, it's amazing how he didn't found out about it before."
"It was behind your books, Jim, you forgot. It's not your fault, this was messed up from the beginning."
"The worst part… now he's closed up entirely. No way to make him accept his true nature."
"Too bad you discovered the answer when there's nothing we can do." Bones broke the hug with a sympathetic smile. "Now what?"
"I hope Uhura can make things better, at least to see if he can return to normal. If she doesn't, we'll call Sarek and go from there."
"Are you okay with that? He'll be gone… for good."
"At least he isn't dead," Jim said cynically. "At least I didn't kill this one."
"Jim…"
Jim shook his head. No matter what Bones said, he would still feel like crap. That didn't go away with pep talks and comforting words; it stayed with you, and sometimes it could consume you as well. Jim was on the edge after what happened to Kevin… now he felt like a small push could do the trick. Even when it didn't make sense to him, he and Spock … they didn't share feelings or talk about their lives. They didn't get drunk or play poker, they didn't exchange secrets or talk in code. They weren't close… they were just genuine with each other, and perhaps that was what made Jim feel so crappy. He'd lost the only person whom he could be authentic with, because even though it was hard to admit, he sometimes felt freer with Spock than with Bones. He could be himself and Spock didn't give him shit about it; he wasn't exactly sure when their dynamic changed, but it had happened and now he was losing it.
He was losing it all.
"Well, we weren't sure if your theory was right anyway," Bones said drily.
"You suck at comforting," Jim complained.
"I know." Bones sighed.
Jim exhaled as well; after Spock's breakdown, he'd called Uhura and Bones to let them know what happened. As they talked, Jim realized something; Spock was mumbling about not be able to be human anymore, that he wasn't a Vulcan either… then it hit Jim. Spock's true nature was Human and Vulcan. Spock chose one over the other, denying his true nature. If he was willing to admit that he was neither Vulcan nor Human, but half and half, perhaps he could find the answer to the true nature thing. However, the human topic was touchy for Spock, if the small breakdown he had was any indication. Spock had been trying to repress the hell of his human side since he was a child. That was why it was so easy for Jim to provoke him after what happened to Vulcan. He had no human control because he never allowed himself to be human.
He'd never accepted his human side, as he saw it as a disadvantage. And when Jim tried to reason with him, it blew up in his face. Spock wouldn't take any more crap from him, and he didn't blame the kid. Hell, if Jim had been in Spock's place, he would have kicked the hell out of him. And the kid had a strong punch. Bones took care of the lovely bruises and gave Jim a painkiller; he was hurting like a bitch, although Jim wasn't sure if it was from the punches, or his emotional state. It could be both.
The only hope now was Uhura. If she could reason with Spock perhaps she could manage to return him to normal. If Jim was right, of course.
Jim wasn't sure of how much time passed between his taking over Sickbay and Uhura's arrival, but when he saw her enter the room, he stood up quickly, trying to look calm.
She only shook her head sadly. Dammit… they were fucked.
"I'm sorry," Uhura said.
"Not your fault." Jim cut her off before she tried to comfort him too. "I guess we should call…" Jim's communicator buzzed. He took it out with annoyance. Now what? "Kirk."
"Captain, we are receiving a call from the planet. A girl wants to talk to you ASAP." Scotty's voice sounded tired as well.
"On my way to the Bridge, bring image to the screen. Kirk out." He glanced at Uhura. "Let's go."
Bones patted his back as a goodbye and he walked next to Uhura, both in heavy silence. Jim was dying to ask Uhura about her chat with Spock, but she probably wouldn't tell him anything.
"Spock stayed in the room?" he said.
"Yes, he'll be waiting for us to fetch him and call his father." Uhura saw the lift's doors opening. "Captain, I…"
"No need, Uhura. I know, I screwed up, and you were right." Jim wasn't in the mood for Uhura's recriminations.
"I only wanted to say that I understand," she said with a small smile. She didn't say anything else, and they both left the turbolift, entering into the Bridge. Jim saw the girl he had talked to earlier on the screen.
"Hello, damaged soul," the girl greeted him directly when she saw him.
"My name is Jim," he muttered. "How can we help you?"
Jim noticed the girl was glowing blue, like the other natives. Did she get better in just one day? That was… interesting.
"You are requested by the elders. Please, join us."
"Is something wrong? We didn't mean to offend you and…"
"Please join us," she interrupted him. "We will be waiting."
She cut the transmission, and she probably took Jim's silence as a 'yes, I'll join you even when I've had enough shit for one day'. Whatever, job came first, right?
"Scotty, you and Uhura are going with me. Chekov, please go to the Transporter room, you'll be in charge while we're gone. Sulu, the conn is yours."
"Yes, Captain," they said in unison.
When they beamed down, Jim saw that all the elders did indeed want to see him; they were gathered around the girl, looking at him with some sort of expression Jim couldn't exactly pinpoint.
"Hello damaged soul Jim." The girl tilted her head and Jim did the same out of habit. "The elders are very grateful for your help."
"My help?" Jim glanced at Scotty and Uhura, who only shrugged. "What exactly did I do?"
"You brought life." The girl smiled for the first time Jim remembered.
"Uh… what?"
"You brought life. When you showed me your ways, you brought life. I am able to communicate with our nature again, and the elders wanted to thank you."
"I… I'm not sure what you mean… you are referring to the talk we had? Because those were only words, I didn't do anything special."
"Words are powerful, damaged soul Jim; I believe you underestimate the power you hold. The elders want to thank you."
"All right… you're welcome I guess… why don't they talk to me?"
"They prefer letting me be the language connection between our cultures. You do not understand, you brought life, you must receive the same gift."
Jim gaped, without really understanding what the hell 'the same gift' meant.
"Ah… it's not necessary, I'm fine," he said quickly, trying to sound diplomatic.
"It is not a petition, it is a requirement. You are being allowed a great honor among our people, you cannot reject our gift."
"Just take it," Uhura muttered. "We need to finish this mission soon."
"What exactly does the gift entail?" Jim asked. Even though Uhura wanted him to just say yes, he stopped being that easy a while ago. He wasn't getting into any more trouble for this stupid assignment.
"I felt your loses, mourning over two souls. We can bring one of those souls back."
"WHAT?" Jim gaped again, noticing how the natives stepped back a little. "Sorry, please tell them I mean no harm."
The girl made a few clacking noises, and the elders answered with a few of their own.
"They do not appreciate your loudness." The girl smiled again. "I like it."
"Thank you," Jim said, feeling dizzy all of the sudden. "What do you mean 'bring one of those souls back'?"
"Bring it back to life." The girl tilted her head; Jim was starting to find this annoying.
"You can revive the dead?" Jim asked, appalled. No wonder the Federation wanted this planet as their ally.
"If it brings balance to the Universe, we can. Life is essential, death is consequential."
Jim felt like he was talking with Spock; riddles and philosophical meaning, vague references… and most of all, confusing as hell.
"And you are offering me to bring back someone I lost because I made you bluer?" Jim scoffed.
"You brought life, life must be returned to you," the girl said calmly.
"Okay… thank you, I don't need life returned to me, I'm fine."
"You cannot reject the gift, it would be offensive and we would consider you a threat to our culture." The girl blinked. "Is that what you want?"
Jim chewed the inside of his cheek. What the hell was he supposed to do? Bring back Kevin or George and then act like it was normal? He glanced at Uhura and Scotty, who were observing him coolly. They wouldn't help with the decision making, that was clear from their postures and the looks on their faces. He was on his own. He should at least ask someone… his brother, or his mother, they would be affected if he decided to bring back George; she would go nuts for sure this time. Jim was amazed that he was still somewhat composed even when he was feeling like a train wreck on the inside.
"Can I bring someone else to life?" he asked, forming a new plan in his head.
The girl walked towards Jim, putting her hands on the sides of his head again. After a moment, she backed up a little, shaking her head.
"No, there is no emotional attachment to that soul. It cannot be brought to life."
Dammit! How was this gift good if he couldn't use it as he wanted to? If he could bring Spock's mother to life, perhaps then things wouldn't be so screwed and Spock wouldn't hate him so much. Now it was between George and Kevin, how was he supposed to decide this? Flipping a coin?
Then it hit him… maybe he didn't need to bring someone to life, he could do something else. The girl noticed something and put her hands on his head like she was accustomed to doing when she wanted to read Jim's mind and ruin his plans entirely.
The girl let go of Jim, blinking. Without saying anything else, she returned to the other natives who were watching expectantly, and they exchanged a few noises. Uhura widened her gaze, probably understanding what they were saying.
"Jim, are you sure?" she asked quietly. Yep, she knew what he planned.
"I'm not sure of anything at this point Uhura," he said with a sigh.
The girl finally turned her attention to them.
"It is fine; you can exchange the gift to fit your wish. You need to bring the soul and put him inside the sacred chamber."
Jim took his communicator out.
"McCoy."
"Bones, you need to get Spock, and beam down immediately with him. Prepare sedatives in case he gets violent; he could return to normal soon, so bring a Tricoder to check on him afterwards and clothes that fit him."
"What are you…?"
"Now, McCoy," Jim said edgily.
"Yes, sir," Bones spat; Jim would pay for this one later. "McCoy out."
They waited for ten minutes in complete silence until they saw Bones appear in front of them with Spock sleeping in his arms. Jim had forgotten how peaceful the Vulcan could look.
"Was he violent?" Jim frowned.
"I didn't take any risks," Bones said irritably. "What the hell is happening here?"
Jim glanced at the girl, who nodded her head. Jim gently took Spock from Bones' arms, and followed the girl. He did as indicated, putting Spock inside the chamber, leaving him on the ground. Jim tried to look at every detail in case Spock couldn't return to normal; perhaps they could create another chamber or something. There was a rock, but that was it. There wasn't anything extraordinary about this place. He left the clothes next to Spock, hoping he wouldn't be too embarrassed about being naked when he woke up.
When the chamber closed in front of his eyes, Jim felt a hand on his shoulder, seeing Bones looking at him with a sympathetic smile.
"You think it will work?" Bones asked.
"I hope so," Jim muttered.
Jim didn't keep track of the time that had elapsed since Spock entered the chamber; it could be ten minutes, it could be an hour. He just was biting his bottom lip, waiting for things to work out. This mission had been a complete rollercoaster since the beginning; they deserved to at least have something good come out of this. Everything that had happened in the last three days kept playing in Jim's head: Spock's conflicts as a kid, his own conflicts, their broken trust… this had to work, or nothing else could make everything better. If this failed, Jim knew he wouldn't get back something he needed; he would be ruined.
A small sound was heard from the chamber, and Jim jolted in anticipation. The chamber was opening; Uhura, Bones and Scotty got closer as well, to take a better look. Jim felt like he could breathe freely for the first time since the mission had started. Spock was coming out of the chamber, as an adult. It worked… the wish, gift or whatever, worked. Spock blinked, noticing everyone there. Uhura was the first one to break the solemnity of the situation, running straight into Spock's arms, hugging him tightly.
"Are you okay?" she said, trembling.
"I am well," Spock answered, sounding confused. He locked eyes with Jim for a moment, before he was distracted by Uhura's questions.
Jim felt a small pang of sadness inside of him. He wasn't needed there anymore.
"Explain everything to Spock, then tell Uhura to update him about the mission," he said to Bones quickly.
"Where are you going?"
"I need to make a call. I'll see you later."
"But Jim…"
Before Bones could say anything else, Jim walked away from them, asking Chekov to beam him back to the ship.
"Mister Spock is all right?" Chekov asked curiously.
"He's back to normal. Wait for the Captain for instructions, Chekov."
"Yes, sir."
Jim bolted from the Transporter room with determination. He knew that he had to do this to be completely fine with his decision. He was a Captain… Commander of a Starship, he shouldn't do this anymore. Yet, he had to. As he entered his room and started the communication, Jim hoped he didn't chicken out at the last minute like he was used to doing. Waiting was the worst. What should Jim say? Maybe smile widely and pretend he was fine as he usually did. Somehow with him that never worked.
"Jim?"
"Hi, Sam," Jim smiled. He wasn't fooling anyone, but he could try.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" His brother furrowed his brow, like he always did when he knew Jim was in deep shit. Oh, the old times.
"I'm fine, I'm fine, stop the worry-face."
"Oh… a casual call then," Sam smirked, "this is new."
"Don't be an ass, I call you plenty of times," Jim glared.
"Honestly Jim, I hear more about you through Leonard and the press than from your calls. Who do you think told me about Kevin, huh?"
"I was depressed back then."
"You sound more like Winona with each passing day." Sam exhaled loudly. Jim knew Sam and their mother had big issues, he kind of expected the comparison.
"Well, she is my mother, I would say that's a good thing."
"As long as you don't go bonkers." Sam shook his head. "All right Jimmy, out with it. I know there's something up; your eyes are yelling I have juicy gossip. Tell your big brother all about it."
Yes, his brother knew him too well.
"First, nothing is wrong, okay? I'm fine, healthy, nothing broken, not in danger, not in jail… you know, the classics."
"Okay."
"It's just… I kind of wanted to talk to you about something… I'm not sure how to start."
"Take your time; I have nothing better to do."
When Sam said this, Jim looked at him with uncertainty. His brother often used that phrase as a dismissal, but Jim could hear the sincerity behind it this time. Perhaps this time Sam really meant it.
"We were on this mission, right?" Jim took a deep breath. "And Spock… I mean, Captain Spock was being all 'I'm going to step into the chamber whether you like it or not' and I was trying to convince him otherwise but he's a stubborn jackass and he did it anyway…"
"Jim, I have to interrupt you here. I assume you're talking about a requirement for the mission, right?" Sam looked at Jim with confusion.
"Oh, right! Sorry… we had to meet this new civilization and the Admiralty said that we had to make them join the Federation. They stipulated that the only way was making Spock entering this weird chamber. Long story short, he came out and he was a nine year old."
Jim waited to see Sam's reaction. He was expecting a widened gaze or gaping. Sam just seemed to be waiting for Jim to continue, like it wasn't a big deal.
"Aren't you surprised or scared by what I just told you?" Jim asked curiously.
"Not really. I'm no longer surprised by what could happen in space. After your father is killed by a guy who appeared out of nowhere and your brother fights the same guy and almost dies too, I think an adult becoming a child is a cheerful scenario," Sam mused.
"You would think," Jim muttered. "Well, this was some sort of test from the natives. They say that Spo… Captain Spock was returning to normal when he discovered his true nature."
"What did that mean? Was that some sort of a riddle? Come on Jim, help me here. You're the one with the brains, I'm the one with the looks." Sam smiled.
"You wish! Everyone says I got the looks and the brains," Jim scoffed.
"Nah, you only got the brains. In fact, I think is time for you to know the truth. You're adopted; I told Winona I wanted a dog, and she came home with you instead. Nothing I could do about it."
"Jerk," Jim smirked.
"Hey, the dog part is true! Apparently a baby brother was better somehow." Sam frowned. "I still don't know why."
"Thank you, always making me feel special." Jim shook his head. "Moving on, we tried to see how to make Sp… Captain Spock discovers his true nature…"
"Jim, you can call him Spock, I won't tell him." Sam winked at Jim.
"Sorry, it's disrespectful, he's my superior."
"You call Admiral Pike asshole, I think calling your Captain by his name is an improvement."
"Fine, you don't have to nag. Anyway, we were trying to see what the true nature thing meant, and we came up with nothing. Then I meet this girl and I helped her…"
"I'm not sure if I want to know the details of how you helped her, little brother." Sam wrinkled his nose.
"Not like that, pervert! God, Sam, do you think I sleep with everything that breathes?" Jim snapped.
"Considering that everything that breathes also moves, I would say yes," Sam grinned. "Relax Jim, I'm kidding. So, you helped her… then what?"
"I'm not sure what I did exactly, but the next day everyone said that I brought life to her again…" Jim noticed the big smile Sam was getting, "and it was nothing sexual, before you hint it!"
"I wasn't going to say anything." Sam tried to look offended.
"Right," Jim glared. "The point, they wanted to balance things, and they… they gave me a wish."
"A wish? What did you wish for? Oh, wait, you got boobs? Awesome! Can I see them?"
"Sam! I'm being serious here!" Jim sighed. His brother always did that when they approached serious topics.
"Sorry Jim, I'll behave, I promise. It's just… well, you know how Kirks deal with serious issues."
"Yeah… no, I didn't wish for boobs," Jim caved. It was a coping mechanism Sam and Jim had developed when they were children. Laugh and make jokes to avoid feeling sadness. They discovered that it was easier to pretend they were fine and put a big fake smile than say they were miserable. It was better to smile and not let people know how broken they were on the inside than having others pity them. It was bad enough with their mother and the sympathy looks they got when she acted like their father was still alive.
Jim got so used to it that he wondered if he'd ever laughed and felt happy at the same time. It was hard because happiness wasn't a concept Jim was familiar with; when he saw Bones with Joannie, or Sulu and Chekov making jokes, they seemed truly happy. Jim didn't know how that felt.
He didn't know if this was sad or just pathetic.
"Jim?" Sam said in a low voice.
"Ahm, yeah… sorry. Well, the wish wasn't exactly giving me something to improve my physical appearance. Since I brought life to her… they will bring life to someone I lost…"
Now Sam did widen his gaze and gape a little. Finally, the reaction Jim was hoping for.
"You mean…?"
"And you say I'm the one with the brains." Jim smiled sadly. "Yes, I mean it exactly like that."
"Wait… would it be like 'Zombieland' or 'Pet Cemetery'? Because that would be scary."
"I'm not sure… and for the record, I hated those movies, you scarred me for life."
"It was a vintage cultural experience," Sam defended. "So… I assume they meant George, right?"
"Or Kevin. They could bring back whoever I wanted."
"Oh." Sam closed his mouth and he waited to see what Jim was going to say next. When Jim didn't say anything else, Sam pressed. "Who did you choose?"
Here it goes, Jim thought mournfully. He didn't know if Sam was going to be pissed, or just disappointed. He expected the first one, he knew how to deal with an angry brother. A disappointed one… let's just say he avoided it at all costs.
"Neither," Jim said. "I changed the wish. I wished for Spock to return to normal without any memories from the mission."
"Oh," Sam said again.
"It just… look Sam, I know this was a great opportunity, but Spock wouldn't be back to normal otherwise, and I nee… we need him on the ship. And maybe it was selfish thinking about me and not considering you or mom…"
"Jim, I think you did the right thing."
"… and he had a mother, Sam. A loving, caring mother; he had beautiful memories, he had to keep them. I saw you as we grew up; you acted like you didn't care, but when mom made us talk to dad's picture, your eyes went watery, or when you saw me and I did something that reminded you of dad, you refused to look at me for a few days. He was already gone when I was born, I didn't know him. You and mom were a different story, and at least you had a loving father for a few years. You have the memories… it would have been cruel to take that from Spock…"
"Jim, I actually agree with you."
"… he doesn't deserve that, and yeah, I should have discussed it with you first, but I just…"
"JIM!" Sam interrupted loudly. "I said it was okay."
"What?"
"I think you made the right decision." Sam nodded.
"But… it was the opportunity to have dad back… how are you okay with my decision?" Jim frowned. He didn't expect Sam to agree with him.
"And what good would that do?" Sam said sorrowfully. "First, it was your wish, you got to obtain something you want for a change instead of considering everyone else. And second, it wouldn't matter if George was alive now. He wasn't there when we needed him the most. He wasn't here when Winona decided to use one of his socks and talk to you like the stupid sock was him because 'you needed a paternal figure'; he wasn't here when Winona decided to maintain his place at the table, even after she married that asshole; he wasn't there when you survived Tarsus and he wasn't there when I said I was going out to buy cigarettes and never came back because I couldn't deal with things anymore. He wasn't there when I thought only of me and decided to leave you there. He wasn't there… and having him back wouldn't change things. He wouldn't change the decisions we already made, or what we are. He wouldn't change the fact that I decided to leave Earth or that you decided to join Starfleet. Yeah, I'm not thrilled about that decision but as long as you don't go nuts like Winona, I guess it's your life. Nothing would be different just from having George alive at this point. As for Kevin… remember when I made you watch all the 'Final Destination' movies?"
"Yeah," Jim smiled weakly. "I made you shower with me for two months because I was afraid of falling and dying."
"I guess I deserved that. But I made you watch those movies so you could understand why dad had died. The same goes for Kevin… I talked to him when you brought him home, and he was prepared to let everything go. He'd made peace with his mortality, and was taking advantage of his luck until it ran out. Kevin was okay with dying because he truly lived every minute after Tarsus. He told me that he knew he could be run over by a bus the next day, and it wouldn't matter to him. He lived, and that was what counted. The only person who hasn't made peace with his death is you, Jim. Bringing Kevin back wouldn't change that either. I doubt the wish included immortality. Having them alive wouldn't change anything, and I'm glad you decided to do something you really wanted instead of asking me or Winona what we thought of it."
Jim clenched his fists, trying to contain the tears that threatened to come out. His brother was right, and it wasn't like he hadn't considered it, but hearing it from him… it was liberating. Jim had often thought Sam resented him after their father died. That Sam blamed him for losing him, and that if he got the opportunity to have him back, he would take it. But Sam made peace with things a long time ago. And this was what Jim needed to do the same.
"I… I thought you'd be mad," Jim stuttered.
"Why would I be mad?" Sam frowned. "Jim, you have to stop doing this. You have to stop doubting your decisions. We're not kids any longer, and you don't need anyone's approval to do what you think is best. Well, except your Captain's, but if you can tell Pike to suck it, I think you can handle the Vulcan." Sam smirked. "Honestly, you can't do it anymore. Aurelan thinks I terrorized you as a child and that's why you still ask me about all your decisions. When you took George's car and I told you that if you took anything else from home and decided to throw it away I would do the same thing with your dick and see how long it took you to find it, you knew I was kidding, right?"
Jim laughed. Sam had been pretty pissed when he decided to take the car so their stupid stepfather didn't lay a hand on it; he knew the threat was a joke, though. His brother was right again; Jim often ran his decisions by the nearest available person. It wasn't that he didn't trust his judgment… he just wanted the approval.
Maybe it was time to stop that as well.
"Shit!" Sam said suddenly.
"What's wrong?" Jim asked confused.
"Oh… it's just… I need to get dinner done, I'm making special pasta."
"Okay, what did you do to Aurelan?" Jim grinned. His brother only made special pasta when he wanted to make up for something bad he did.
"I forgot to pick up the kids yesterday… the teacher had to call home."
"Sam, how come they allowed you to have children?" Jim mocked. "You lost me once, remember?"
"Hey, I tied you to my waist! It's not my fault that you were a smart little brat," Sam huffed. "Look Jim, I'm okay with everything you decide. Maybe I won't always approve, but I'll deal. You're my brother, I'll love you no matter what."
"You're getting sappy," Jim snorted, "you better go and cook now that your feminine side is out."
"Jim." Sam's voice was serious. "I'm glad you called me… when was the last time you called me and talked to me like this? I hope you do it once in a while, I really miss you, bro. I know Leonard is like the brother you never had…"
"Sam…"
"No Jim, it's true. I was a terrible brother, I left you with Winona and the fucker she calls husband; I ran away because I couldn't deal, and I forgot that my baby brother was left alone. I screwed up big time, and when you needed me, I fled from your life. But I'm here now, Jim, I'll be here when you need me. I'm your brother. I made huge mistakes, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you. You're one of the most important people in my life, if you want to talk, or cry, or yell… I'm here, okay?"
Jim couldn't contain the tears anymore. Watching Sam comforting him brought back memories. Sam felt like he was an awful brother, but to Jim, he was the only one who kept him going. When he cried, Sam held him. When he was scared, Sam let him sleep in his bed and hugged him. When he blamed himself for their father's death, Sam made him watch movies to help him understand that it wasn't his fault, and it was bound to happen. Mostly, when Jim survived Tarsus… Sam came back home for him, and that was what mattered.
"You made me cry," Jim said after wiping his eyes.
"You need to cry, bro. It's good for the soul."
"I'll call you next week, okay?" Jim took a deep breath, trying to regain some control.
"It's a date then," Sam smiled. "I want to hear all about your crush on Captain Spock."
"What?" Jim gaped.
"See you next week, bro." Sam winked again and broke off the connection.
Crush on Spock? Sam better be doing a practical joke, because he certainly didn't have a crush on Spock. His brother always loved to rile him; this had to be his messed up revenge for something stupid he did when they were children.
Still, his words echoed inside Jim's head for a while, even after he lay down on his bed and closed his eyes to take a break from everything that had happened.
Jim blinked, waking up from the longest nap he'd had since they started the mission. It had been two hours since his call to Sam, and nobody had bothered him so far. Maybe Spock had decided to spend his time with Uhura, making up for the absent three days or something. In a way, everything had returned to normal, he should be glad.
He should be, yet he didn't feel like that.
He decided to go to the Observation deck and wait for orders. He was back to his post, Spock would probably make him do paperwork until the end of the first year. He had no idea about the mission, or if the natives felt insulted because he'd left as soon as he got his wish. He didn't think about repercussions, he just needed to talk to Sam to finally let everything go. He hoped he didn't screw things up, he was sure Spock, Uhura and Scotty could handle whatever curve ball the natives threw them; he wasn't so sure about Bones, but he had the other three to keep him in line. Jim did it for the last three days; it was time for others to step in.
"Commander, good evening."
Jim froze completely. Spock was standing next to him, looking at him with curiosity.
"Captain." Jim managed to find his voice to answer back. "Bones let you out so soon?" Well, he had to break the tension with something, at least Bones should be useful.
"He did not find anything abnormal in my readings," Spock answered calmly.
Jim knew Spock wanted to ask something. After seeing Spock as a child, it was easier from Jim to read his emotions and his facial expressions even when he tried to conceal what he was thinking.
"The mission was successful, then?" Jim decided to give Spock an opening and see what happened.
"It was satisfactory; we manage to obtain a new planet for the Federation, and we had no casualties. I believe it was what we expected." Spock blinked. "A certain young female said that 'you forgot to say goodbye'."
Jim felt a small pang of regret. She had been really helpful and if it wasn't for her, Spock probably wouldn't be on the ship. He forgot to thank her, maybe he could call her and let her know how grateful he was.
"I'm sorry, I had a pressing matter back on the ship," he explained quickly. "I logged everything, I'll give it to you so you can add it to your Captain's log, and I promoted Scotty to First Officer due to necessity; I told Pike about the situation, we were supposed to wait until the end of the week to…"
"Nyota and Doctor McCoy explained the circumstances," Spock said. Jim took the cue: I know everything. "You did a good job in charge of the ship."
"Thank you, although I didn't do anything but wait and see," he spat, and he tried to subdue his bitterness. He had been Captain for three days; he'd enjoyed it too much and at the same time he'd felt lost and alone. The post could be harder than he'd thought.
"I believe you did more than that," Spock added in that condescending tone Jim knew so well.
"Thanks," Jim muttered. He was in no mood to get in a fight with Spock again; he'd just had the most horrible day. It was weird, he was almost like a hormonal woman with these mood swings. Maybe the mission affected him in more ways than he'd considered.
"Mister Kirk…" Spock clasped his hands behind his back. "Do you believe you made the right decision about what happened on the planet?"
"Do you?" Jim said coldly.
Spock lifted his 'What the hell do you mean by that?' eyebrow.
"You were the one who stepped into the chamber first," Jim added. "Was it the right decision?"
"I believe it was," Spock said neutrally.
"Here you go then. I also 'believe' my decision was the right one."
Jim didn't know what decision Spock was referring to exactly. If he meant promoting Scotty, if he meant talking with the natives and meddling in their business, if he meant the wish… it didn't matter, whatever action Spock was referring to, Jim thought he made the right call; he was probably the only one who saw it that way though.
"Nyota informed me you had an opportunity to 'bring back a soul'." Apparently Spock was done with evasiveness.
"That would be correct."
"And you chose… a different approach in your gift."
Why? Was the hanging question between them. Spock wanted to know why he didn't choose to bring someone back to life, and Jim didn't want to explain it.
"Not really." Jim shrugged. "It wasn't a different approach. They wanted to bring back a soul. Your adult soul was gone, I just chose to bring that soul back."
"If I recall correctly, a soul does not change due to aging."
"Well, sure, if we're getting idealistic, the soul should be the same, but the basic idea is that changes in your life alter your soul. If you had grown up without your mother, you probably would have had a different soul, then your old soul would be gone; if I had George with me as a child, I would be different as well, probably with your post, with more common sense and with a person by my side who would give everything for me…" Jim stopped immediately after noticing the conversation was going in a direction he wasn't exactly ready to explain. Good thing he didn't clarify about the person by his side, if he had let slip any more about the epic romance he saw in his mind, then Spock would probably be suspicious about why Jim was saying this with such conviction. "Anyway, it was a gamble and somehow it worked, I don't see the problem." Jim curtly ended his argument before he messed up again and ended up babbling about the Ambassador's affairs.
"You seem extremely confident in the alternate scenario, almost like you know how your life could have gone with your father alive." Spock looked startled, which made Jim groan on the inside. Spock was a genius, how Jim could have thought he would fool him was beyond him.
"There's not much choice about what screwed me, Spock," Jim said resignedly, "it's either my dead daddy or Tarsus. Since Tarsus already took Kevin, I'm blaming my 'damaged soul' on George. He won't mind, he's dead."
Jim knew Spock hated when he got all cynical and sarcastic, but he had to divert the topic somehow, he wasn't going to explain how he knew for sure that the 'scenario' was another reality where Jim's life was far from ruined.
"I do not believe your soul is damaged," Spock said, sounding supportive.
"I thought you didn't believe in souls in the first place," Jim sighed. This conversation was getting way too personal.
"I thought you did not."
"Just ask what you want to know, Spock," Jim rushed him. "I think I've told you that you can ask anything you want, I don't mind; we've discussed my lack of personal boundaries a lot."
"I wanted to ensure your wellbeing and inquire if you have any regrets about your decision," Spock said after a few moments of silence.
"I'm fine. No, I don't regret my decision."
"I was expecting a somewhat… more elaborate answer." Spock tilted his head.
"What do you want me to say, Spock? Look…" Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. "Some things happened and stressed me, but that didn't influence my decision. If you want to know why I did it, it's because you were just an innocent kid. You don't remember, and it's better this way, but you need your memories, the ones you have about your mother. If you didn't return to normal, you would have faced a world without your mother by your side, losing a part of you at that age could have destroyed you. I don't have memories of my father, I have pictures, stories and his eyes, that's it. My brother was the one who was destroyed by memories, and it would happen to you, even though you'll probably argue that you are a Vulcan and have control. A child is a child, and no matter how controlled they are, they're still too small to face some things. If I could do something to avoid that, why shouldn't I? You already lived your childhood with your mom, making you grow up without her would be stupid. I would do anything to have memories of my dad, as lame as the ones Sam has are. George once took him on a picnic in the middle of the cornfields, I mean, how boring is that? But I would prefer having those boring memories than none whatsoever. And I know you would have preferred that too."
Jim smiled sadly at Spock, who kept looking at him in contemplation.
"I'm weird, okay?" Jim couldn't stand the stare, Spock made him nervous… he was the Captain, a Vulcan, he just had a sleepover with him two days ago and he felt broken when he thought Spock would hate him. Nervousness was expected, and it had nothing to do with Sam's stupid comment about a crush. Jim knew how crushes felt, this was nothing like it. "So no, I don't regret my decision. Having George back wouldn't change things for me, having Kevin back wouldn't change things for him; losing your mother when you were nine and not having the memories of her would definitely change things for you; easiest decision I ever made."
Not exactly the easiest, but it was close. Jim never hesitated in what he had to do; he just hesitated about telling his brother out of fear of rejection. He had asked if he could bring Amanda back to life before he thought of another way to help Spock; he never actually considered bringing back George or Kevin. Sam was right, even when it was something Jim wanted, he often thought about others first. Something he had to work on among with the whole 'I make Spock feel like a bad Captain because I never let him beam down' thing.
"I do not believe you are 'weird'," Spock stated. "I am appreciative about your gesture, and I must say you will be an excellent Captain someday."
Yay! Spock approved of his leadership skills, now Jim could sleep. Jim smirked bitterly; at least he would get a fine recommendation in a few months. Somehow this didn't make him feel better at all.
"Thank you," he said, trying to avoid sounding cynical. "If you excuse me, I'm going to sleep… unless you need something?"
"Negative. I will take care of paperwork; it is the least I can do after relinquishing all the responsibility of the crew and the ship onto your shoulders for the past three days." Spock didn't sound upset, more like sympathetic. Odd.
"What are First Officers for, right?" Jim smiled sincerely. He felt like he needed to tell Spock about the reasoning behind his decision, it was cathartic for him. Now he felt like he just could put everything behind him and focus on moving on… and start living, like the girl he helped. It was time to help himself as well. Sam made valid points, Jim couldn't carry everything alone anymore. He needed others, and for some reason he felt Spock brought balance to his life. He brought reason and control, things that nobody else around Jim had. "All right, see you tomorrow on Gamma shift."
"Commander…" Jim heard Spock's voice as he was walking away.
"Yeah?" Jim turned around to look at Spock.
"Thank you," Spock said in a low voice.
Jim wondered how to answer this honest remark. Nothing to thank me for, Spock, I didn't do anything or it was nothing, no need to be grateful or it was my job. All the things Jim said when people gave him an honest thank you.
"You're welcome." Jim smiled again, turning back to the door to leave the room when he saw the small nod Spock gave as acknowledgement of his answer.
He finally said it… he finally gave an honest 'you're welcome' instead of justifying and dismissing his actions. It was a small step, but for Jim it was the difference between returning to old habits and turning his life around. If he wasn't this tired, he would have gone to Sickbay and informed Bones than his little kid was growing up. Well, Bones would be there tomorrow, and Jim hoped that his resolution maintained itself too, and that it wasn't just a result of the stress and the personal chat he had with Spock.
Spock watched Commander Kirk leaving the room, unaware of Spock's musings. It was good that humans often assumed things instead of clarifying them; when Spock told Mister Kirk that Nyota and Doctor McCoy had told him about the mission, the Commander presumed that they only told him basic things, which was true. McCoy was as vague as Mister Kirk when he wanted to avoid a topic, except that McCoy was more unnerving. Spock found the diversions Mister Kirk made on certain topics, amusing; McCoy was just rude, which was not surprising yet still unpleasant for Spock. Nyota was very formal, only giving the information that she thought strictly necessary. She left out many things she thought could be taken as something negative, or that she thought would cause Spock embarrassment about certain situations that occurred during his dilemma.
Spock was certain about the lack of information because he remembered everything from the mission. He remembered the light, the change in his body… then being a child with no memory of his adult life. He was not sure about how it was possible that as a child his adult memories were gone, but he concluded that perhaps it was a consequence of the regression. You cannot remember what you have not experienced. However, when he was brought back into the chamber, he felt differently than the first time. He felt presences in his mind, wanting to take memories from him. Spock panicked and did what any nine year old Vulcan would have done. He hid the memories and created false ones to deceive the interlopers. It was one of the first teachings in mental boundaries and control, Spock was an expert at hiding memories. His father could be rather intrusive sometimes. He was not sure what exactly the natives were, but they had empathic and telepathic abilities, which were amplified by the rock they called magical. It was the reason the girl could communicate with them after absorbing Mister Kirk's speech pattern. The ability of bringing back living beings to early stages was still a mystery, and as was the gift of giving life to someone already passed away. Spock suspected it had to do with time-space continuity, like the Romulan had done in his search for revenge, but he had no time to investigate further since Mister Kirk's sudden departing made the natives wary and they refused to answer more questions, claiming that they had already balanced things with the gift and that they had signed the treaty. Now it was time for the Enterprise to leave them in peace, with the promise of help if needed.
Fortunately for Spock, the mind was still a mystery for many races; even Vulcans were amazed by some telepathic abilities. It allowed him keep the memories of what happened; the fact that nobody asked him directly about it was helpful as well, he knew Mister Kirk had requested memory loss as a part of his wish. They just assumed Spock did not remember, and talked at him like he was a blank mind. McCoy even made annoying sounds and long pauses like Spock was a child who could not understand complete sentences. As long as they kept assuming he was not informed about everything, Spock would not say anything to clarify things. If someone asked directly, then that would be different and Spock would give a truthful answer.
Spock felt his relationship with Commander Kirk had changed since the event. As a child, Kirk had tried to give Spock comfort and company; he claimed to be his friend, even though Spock had not considered it a solid fact, and he even made the effort to give Spock different experiences. Kirk was a candid companion and in his lack of control and demeanor, Spock felt attracted to Kirk's striking personality. He did not regret it, it gave him an opportunity he had wanted: to be closer to Kirk. As a child, Spock struggled to fit in and be in control; having Kirk as a friend even for a small time-frame gave Spock a different perspective, seeing the necessity of someone in your life who could give you balance. He still felt a small amount of shame when he recalled the incident when he discovered his mother's death, but as Kirk had said, it was understandable, he was a child and his mother was his only emotional support. All his foundations were shaken with the loss of his mother. If as an adult, Spock had almost killed Mister Kirk… it was interesting that as a child, with less control and knowledge, was able to unleash his frustration trying to do everything but hurt Kirk. Kirk only got punched when he tried to stop Spock; he did not attack Kirk, he kicked and punched the furniture, but Kirk, trying to prevent any damage, came close to Spock to stop him and then he got hit. He supposed the possessiveness and protectiveness towards Mister Kirk were because Spock thought of him as a friend, and since he had not had any friends before, he felt intensely about it. It did not explain the jealousy he had been struck with about Nyota being close to Kirk. Perhaps he had residual feelings for the Lieutenant and was not comfortable with the situation, although he was sure the jealousy was not directed at her, but caused by her. He had to meditate about that, mainly about what Nyota said when Kirk left them alone, before the Commander sent McCoy to fetch him.
What was making Spock uneasy was the way Kirk chose to stop his tantrum. He grabbed Spock's hands… and squeezed them. Kirk had practically kissed him, and since not even his mother did that, Spock naturally felt out of place. He wondered how Kirk knew that would be something shocking for a Vulcan; he was sure Kirk did not know what it meant, otherwise he would never have done it, but he knew it was important enough to stop his violent tirade. Vulcans do not mention this fact unless they feel threatened; since they often clarify about personal space, few people dare to get close enough to actually touch a Vulcan's hand. Kirk had no way to know, unless another Vulcan had informed him. Nyota knew, but he doubted she would share the information. He wanted to ask, but then he would need to tell her about the memories, and he was trying to avoid any more awkwardness between himself and Mister Kirk.
He decided to watch Kirk closely. There was something off about what he said earlier, when he described what his life would have been like with his father in his world. He sounded certain and bitter, almost like he knew it was true. And the way he knew about stopping Spock's angry outburst was also odd. Kirk was hiding something, and Spock was not sure if it could be detrimental to Mister Kirk or the ship, but he was not going to wait and see if Kirk was hurt by it. He was finding out what Kirk's mystery was and preventing any harm from coming to him.
It was, after all, what friends did for each other.
N/A: I probably will take a little bit longer with the next update, RL is demanding; however I want to thank you all for your lovely comments, I really appreciate it and I'm grateful you gave this story a chance. I'm trying to reply your reviews, but ff-net is upgrading their systems or something, so no spam at the moment, but don't get too confident, if something, I love to stalk people. A big thank you to my wonderful beta, Anbessette, who is amazing and tolerant with my awful grammar.