Chapter 5E: "Vivet Anima Tua"
"Let go of my hand, idiot," Bones snapped. "I don't want Spock killing me when we get out of the lift."
"But we just had a deep, meaningful moment, Bones," Jim cooed. "This is what girls do after they talk about boys. They hold hands and shriek a lot."
"And how exactly would you know that? You have a brother, and I doubt you had any female friends ... that you didn't end up sleeping with."
"I watched a lot of chick flicks in my youth for research purposes." Jim squeezed Bones' hand while they stepped out of the turbolift. "We are BFF, Bonesy."
"In moments like this, I regret throwing up on you. Now let -"
The doors of the conference room opened abruptly, and Jim realised they were probably the last ones to arrive. Spock glanced at their intertwined hands, arching an eyebrow.
"I told you," Bones muttered, taking his hand back.
"Good afternoon." Jim decided on the tactful approach. "We apologize for our tardiness, but Doctor McCoy and I had a few incidents to take care of."
"That is understandable, Commander, "Spock nodded. "I imagine you were helping Doctor McCoy with his diplomatic assignment?"
Translation: Were you doing McCoy's homework while he bitched? Man, Spock knew him too well.
"I was just looking at it to see if I could contribute." Since they'd spent three hours gossiping, it was better that Spock believed they were at least working on Bones' report.
"Commander Kirk was a great help, as usual," Bones added dryly.
As Jim stood behind Spock, he glanced at the Ambassador and was surprised to see him smiling. Perhaps this brought back some memories, since Bones was bitchy regardless of the timeline. Bones stood at Spock's left side, leaving Jim on the right.
"Now that Commander Kirk and Doctor McCoy have joined us, we can start the meeting." Jim would have snorted at the passive-aggressive scolding, but he was too surprised by Spock discretely stepping back until he was shoulder to shoulder with him. What the hell? He threw a confused look at Bones, who only shrugged. "We have a distinguished guest on our ship, as you were informed in the briefing we had before he arrived. Our assignment is getting Ambassador Selek safely to Betazoid for diplomatic purposes. While he is aboard the Enterprise, Ambassador Selek is allowed to visit any department he finds himself curious about, and you can answer his questions or explain what our data has recovered so far."
Jim gaped, and he probably wasn't the only one. Spock had said that the Ambassador's visit had to be carefully monitored and he wouldn't be allowed to wander around the departments poking his nose into the Enterprise's business (not in so many words, but the message was clear behind all the Vulcan gibberish he used when he wanted to confuse people). Now Jim understood why he had requested this meeting; the big question still was why he had changed his mind about the Ambassador. Maybe their chat was that good? Maybe he shouldn't mention that he already had forgotten which name the Ambassador wanted to use in this reality since he'd been so focused on acting like a high school girl about the visit. Somehow Jim knew that Spock wouldn't find it as funny or cute as Bones did (perhaps because Bones also used it to mock him).
"I am honored that you would grant me such a privilege." The Ambassador bowed lightly. "And I want to extend my gratitude to your crew for being such nice host."
"The Enterprise is the best in every way," Jim smirked.
"Indeed." Spock inclined his head, and at least he didn't sound pissed off. "The ambassador is welcome to explore the ship, and we will show him our hospitality. Any questions?"
The room fell silent. They knew Spock's 'I'll ask as a courtesy, but I don't want any of you asking dumb questions' tone of voice.
"Thank you all for coming. Ambassador, is there a department would you like to visit?"
"I am intrigued by your science laboratory. If I may?"
"Of course. Lieutenant Campell, could you show Ambassador Selek the science laboratory and answer any questions he has about our data?" Spock said politely.
"Certainly, Captain." Lieutenant Campell smiled, standing up. Jim thought immediately 'Kissass', and had no idea why he had done so. Obviously every member of the crew wanted to be on Spock's good side, no need to get angry at the eager Lieutenant just trying to make an impression. He might be tired or something, as the only alternative would be that he was jealous.
No reason to be jealous, nope, none at all. Spock was allowed to have other friends. Not that Campell was actually his friend, Jim hadn't seen them together off-duty, but the way she smiled … Jim shook his head. Why was he thinking this crap? He had to anticipate Gary's plans, he had no time to waste in pointless thoughts.
" – and friendly." Jim caught the last bit of Spock's 'motivational speech for the masses'. "Dismissed."
He saw the Ambassador being escorted away from the room and the rest standing up ready to flee. At least now that they were dismissed, he could go back to Sickbay and actually help Bones with the report Spock asked about.
"Commander Kirk, a word?" Or maybe not.
"Of course, Captain. See you later, sweet cheeks." Jim slapped Bones on the back.
"Bite me," Bones retorted, discreetly showing him his middle finger. Jim smirked, winking at him when he was at the door.
"I see you and Doctor McCoy have reconnected as you hoped," Spock observed, signaling Jim to sit down.
After Riley's memorial, Jim had told Spock about his frustration over how he and Bones were having 'friendship issues', and how he wanted to spend more time with his grumpy friend. Now that he thought about it, he had shared more with Spock these past months than with Bones. He didn't know if that was good or just sad. Spock respected his need to reconnect with Bones, as, to quote Spock here 'he was his friend first'. Jim sometimes felt like Spock and Bones were in a competition over the number one spot on Jim friends list, but they both acted like he was nuts when he hinted at it. It wasn't like that anyway, they both were special in their own way, as girly as it sounded.
"I hope you don't mind the teasing." Jim smiled as Spock sat down in front of him. "At least I didn't slap his ass, and I waited until the Ambassador was out of hearing range."
"And I appreciate that remarkable show of self-control," Spock said wryly.
"But I imagine you didn't ask me to stay so I could tell you how Bones and I 'reconnected'." Jim did the air-quotes.
"Indeed; as fascinating as it must be to hear the crude details of your friendship with Doctor McCoy, I would prefer for us to approach the topic of our findings."
Jim shook his head, smiling. Spock was getting better and better in the sarcasm department.
"All right. Ready to be blown away?"
Jim noticed how Spock arched his skeptical eyebrow. He shared what Number One told him, and what he confirmed with Bones afterwards. Spock was tense and stared blankly while he spoke. Jim wasn't sure if that was good or not.
Spock knew that Mister Kirk's sources were reliable, yet he had a hard time believing that Mister Mitchell's angle could be a xenophobic vendetta against Vulcans. Spock knew that disagreements had arisen when he took control of the science department in the Academy, and his particular assignment had been the Kobayashi Maru. Most people thought a Vulcan could not grasp the complexity of emotions a Captain might show while they were under pressure, which was precisely the point of the simulation. As he told Mister Kirk, although he now regretted the way he had phrased it, a Captain cannot cheat death.
Kirk's determination to prove otherwise was admirable, and Spock could admit he had changed certain perceptions he held about Starfleet Code and regulations, but he still firmly believed that a Captain had to do what was best for the ship and the crew. What was the human phrase they repeated to the cadets on the command track? 'A Captain goes down with his ship'. However, although philosophical debates had occurred, Spock did not think that would motivate such drastic actions on Mitchell's part, such as impairing his crew and attempting to 'steal' Mister Kirk. He was glad Kirk had rejected Mitchell; without Kirk's presence, Spock would have believed that this was just a straightforward mission without potential for disastrous consequences.
When he heard about Karen Klein, Spock recalled what he had discussed with the Ambassador. He had no proof of what Mitchell was planning, but he dared to infer it had to do with Klein's cancelled research about human mental shielding. Could it be that, using data stolen from that research, he was practicing this shielding and that was why Spock did not sense his emotions as he usually could with human beings? That was stretching the situation too far. Spock doubted Mitchell had the discipline and control that mental shielding involved, he was too reckless. He could not verify that Mitchell actually stole that research nor he could ask for Mister Kirk to investigate further without endangering him.
Knowing Kirk, though, he would probably volunteer for the task if he came to the same conclusion Spock did.
"So, share with the class, Spock," Kirk said, "is Gary a complete idiot, or are we too paranoid?"
"I do not think that those options fit the situation." Spock inclined his head.
"Hey, you were a professor, what's the scoop? Gary and Klein had a fight, you probably heard about it. And, about what happened with Number One."
"I believe she does not like being called that."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Kirk waved his hand.
"Unfortunately, I have no relevant information about those incidents. What happened with Captain Pike and Commander-"
"Number One," Kirk interrupted.
"-the incident was sealed." Spock played along. He often found himself doing that if the situation was not an official matter. "The former Commander decided not to press charges-"
"Press charges?" Kirk interrupted, raising his voice. "It was big enough that Number One could have pressed charges? What the hell did Gary do?"
"Like I said, I do not know. I had no idea Doctor Klein and Captain Mitchell had met, let alone had an argument that had to be broken up by Lieutenant Sulu." Spock felt a small pang of frustration. He lacked basic data to come to an accurate conclusion, and as a Vulcan and a researcher that was exasperating.
"Let me summarize: We confirmed Gary is planning something big, we just don't know what. We know he caused trouble in the Academy, we just don't know why or what about, and we assume he wants to be involved in the Vulcan negotiations, we just don't know how. In conclusion, we don't know anything relevant to stopping him and tearing him a new one." Kirk sighed, expressing the frustration Spock was trying to contain.
"Perhaps if I contact Doctor Klein and ask about the incident?" Spock suggested.
"Uh ... about that ... we are friends, right?" Commander Kirk looked at Spock with nervousness.
Spock had no idea why Mister Kirk was changing the subject so abruptly. He decided to answer nonetheless, certain that even if he did not see what the point was, Kirk would explain his train of thought.
"Affirmative."
"Great! I mean, I know we just discussed this yesterday, so it's not like I forgot already that we are definitely friends, but since you confirmed it again ... can I ask you for a favor? As friends?"
This was an interesting development.
"Certainly," Spock said in the most caring tone he could manage, given that he was not exactly an expert in human emotions and his voice sounded 'blank', according to Kirk.
"This Doctor Klein chick ... she's sort of Bones' gal." Commander Kirk made a strange face. "You know, bow bow chicka wow wow?"
"I do not understand," Spock said after a few seconds of strained silence, "is that some sort of dialect?"
"No, no!" Kirk said, laughing. "I meant... hell, there's no other way to tell you this, but you have to promise you won't tell Bones or he'll chop my balls off and I'm very fond of those, all right?"
"Very well." Spock had no idea what he had agreed to; however, he concluded that whatever thing Kirk said was supposed to be kept as a secret, particularly from McCoy.
"Bones is interested in Klein ... like interested, interested."
Spock managed to avoid saying that repeating the same word three times did not convey any difference in meaning to him. Kirk often did that to put emphasis on said word, when saying it once was sufficient.
"Doctor McCoy is interested in Doctor Klein romantically," Spock concluded, knowing what the useless emphasis on the word 'interested' meant for Kirk.
"Yeah! And, I know I probably sound like a tattletale, but if he found out about the thing with you and Uhura, I guess he can deal with you knowing about his relationship with Klein. Except that you are ten times more discrete than him, so he probably won't find out anyway."
"He will not. I will not mention this conversation to Doctor McCoy," Spock reassured Kirk.
"Awesome! Well, the point is that Bones will play spy like Giotto, except that I hope Giotto isn't using sexy times to get information from Gary. And, if you talk with Klein, she can get defensive and think that Bones ratted her out or something. Smart chicks are suspicious, you would know, you dated Uhura."
Spock thought about the situation and Kirk was right. If they wanted information, raising suspicions was something to avoid, and McCoy would help Kirk because they had the illogical 'bro code' as Kirk called it where their friendship was more important than potential partnership.
"Besides Bones doesn't want to risk Klein, so if you get involved…"
"The potential danger increases." Spock conceded.
"Nothing personal, but you're the Captain of the best vessel in the fleet, and you're Vulcan. If Klein considers spilling the information, it won't be to you. Bones has a better chance, and he is a beast in bed, so I've heard."
"Was it really necessary to express that last part of your assessment out loud?" Spock said with disapproval. Kirk knew he did not particularly enjoy hearing about the sexual prowess of his crew.
"It reinforced my point." Kirk smirked. "So, can I have your trust about handling the Klein situation? If something sketchy comes up, I'll tell you immediately."
"I know you will keep me updated with relevant information, Commander," Spock agreed.
"Now, what about the Ambassador? Did he tell you something juicy?"
Spock gave a small nod and proceeded to share what the Ambassador had said, adding his reservations about Mitchell and what he had perceived in the short time they shared on shore leave.
Jim frowned as Spock finished. The Admirals had changed their minds quickly if the Ambassador had no idea what ship was originally assigned to retrieve him. Why would they give this mission to the Archimedes in the first place? They could have assigned the Enterprise from the beginning and avoided the paperwork. What the hell was happening here?
Then, after hearing about how Gary seemed far too controlled for a human, to the point that Spock couldn't get a single emotion from him, he remembered what Klein was supposed to be investigating before Starfleet cancelled her research. Mental shields in humans. He didn't need to be a genius to put two and two together. Even when Number One said it was classified, Spock had just confirmed that this was the cancelled research, and on top of that the data was stolen.
Gary wasn't sneaky enough to steal from Starfleet's databases… unless… that son of a bitch.
"Son of a bitch," Jim muttered out loud, because this needed to be emphasized.
"Mister Kirk?" Spock asked.
"I'm an idiot," Kim admitted. He was a moron, if he hadn't been so obsessed with the Kobayashi Maru …
"I disagree. Perhaps if you share your thoughts I could give my opinion on the matter," Spock said calmly, and even when Jim was fuming, he couldn't help smiling. Spock was cheering him up without even knowing it.
"Before I say anything, I want you to know that you can agree about me being an idiot. In my defense, I was young and stupid. Really, really stupid."
"Commander…"
"I helped Gary with the stolen research."
Spock froze in place, his face going completely blank. Shit, he probably could have phrased that better.
"Wait, let me backtrack! I meant… dammit, let's start from the beginning. When I was trying to hack the Kobayashi Maru –" at Spock's explicit frown, Jim snorted, "– come on, we both agreed that was water under the bridge, so don't frown at me!" Spock returned to his blank stare. "Okay, I don't know if this is better, but I'll pretend it is. As I was saying, when I was trying to hack your super sophisticated program, I came up with a bunch of options that could break several Starfleet security codes. Gaila and I were focused on the task for weeks… and I sort of asked Gary to help me with some of those options. Back when I thought Santa existed and rainbows were the coolest things ever."
Jim watched Spock carefully in case he decided to just kill him to complicate his life (he could appreciate the irony).
"So ... you haven't said anything in like five minutes ... Are you pissed at me? I didn't know! I was young and stupid."
"Yes, you said that." Spock finally spoke, but his voice was so flat that Jim whimpered a little. Just a little. The guy was terrifying.
"And I know you agree ... you have to agree, let's all agree on how much of an idiot I am. Let's call Bones so we have another person agreeing -"
"Mister Kirk," Spock interrupted, "I am not angry. I was simply thinking about this new information. I am aware that you had no reason to distrust Captain Mitchell, as the two of you were friends. Although you must admit that hacking the Kobayashi Maru led to more difficulties than advantages."
"Well, depends on how you see it." Spock glared at him. Actually glared. "All right, my bad. But we don't know if Gary stole that research ... it's a possibility."
"A very high one," Spock intoned. "However, I agree that we cannot change that situation. We can anticipate what Mitchell could plan to do with this new information, though."
"Yes! We totally can!" Jim said happily. Man, he'd thought Spock would return to being a guarded son of a bitch. And maybe choke him a little. "So, do you suppose Klein is deeper involved in this than we thought?"
"I admit I was not aware that Doctor Klein was involved in the study of human shielding as well, even when the results of that particular research were discussed in the ethics department. I thought she was just a guest lecturer on Starfleet. That does not necessarily mean she is involved in Mitchell's plans; it may be just that she became involved with the situation accidentally."
"Right, no need to put everyone on the black list. Wait! I have an idea! Cupcake isn't the only one who can go undercover to get Gary to spill information. He doesn't know I know about his scheme, I can still get information if I act like I hate your guts and I want to side with him."
"After your last encounter, I do not think he would believe that."
"I blamed you for Riley's death," Jim blurted out, making Spock flinch. Causing an unexpected reaction from Spock two times in a row? Jim was on fire. "I could say that, I could say I resent you for what happened. He would totally believe me, nobody can pull the resentful card like me. Ask my brother, or Bones."
Jim could see that Spock was considering this option, so he had to convince him to at least try. Gary probably wouldn't spill all his evil plans to Jim, he was a distrustful asshole, but he might at least throw him a bone, which Jim could connect to what they already knew.
"I can do it!" Jim tried to sound convincing, and went for what he thought would be the killer argument. "It can't be worse than shaving your eyebrows to look like a Romulan. Compared to that, this will be a piece of cake."
Spock looked at him with both eyebrows almost touching his forehead. Then, Jim realized that while in his head this sounded like a compelling argument, it actually just sounded insane, as Spock had no idea what he was referring to. Damn memories!
"You know ... that would be taking undercover work to the extreme!" He quickly tried to fix it.
"I have no idea why you would ever need to disguise yourself as a Romulan, when logically I would be a better option, and may I say, a more believable one."
"Are you seriously arguing with me about how you're better than me in an imaginary undercover scenario?" Jim chuckled, relieved that Spock didn't suspect anything off. Perhaps he had just labeled his comment as one of the many stupid things Jim said during meetings. Thank God for that.
"I am just pointing out that it is not necessary for you to disguise yourself as a Romulan or pretend to hate me in order to obtain information," Spock said, sounding weird when he said 'hate'. He probably didn't like antagonizing Jim, even if it was fake.
"You have to concede we are running out of reliable options to 'obtain information'." Jim air-quoted again while Spock raised his eyebrow. "It's a good option, you have to admit it."
"It is an option I would like to leave as a last resort. Perhaps if you talk with Mister Sulu first, and I try to access the Starfleet database to know more about this research, we can compare notes again and decide what should we do?"
"Fine." Jim caved. He knew that he wouldn't win this argument, and in this case, he wasn't going to act on his own. Number One was clear on that point, Jim and Spock needed to be on the same page for whatever thing Gary had in mind. "But the research thing is classified information" Spock just looked at him blankly. Right, being Captain of the best ship gave him some sort of God pass for everything on the database. "On my way to talk to Sulu, then." Jim stood up. "He's on Gamma shift, right? So, he's probably cooing Lilly as he does when he has free time. What about the Ambassador?"
"I will take care of the hosting duties, Mister Kirk," Spock said in that clipped tone that left no room for discussion. "You could have dinner with us; I am afraid I am not as resourceful as you are, thus the dinner will be in the mess hall."
"Don't worry, not everyone can be a creative genius like me." Jim winked. "I'll see you in the mess hall then. Let me know if you need help hacking Starfleet again."
Jim left the room, probably imagining the faint smile on Spock's face.
When Jim entered the botany department, he didn't need to search for Sulu, as they almost collided in the doorway.
"Whoah!" Sulu said, trying to avoid hitting Jim. "I thought you were with the Captain, Commander."
"It was quick, like all meetings with Spock." Jim smiled. "Actually, Sulu, I wanted to talk to you… can we have some privacy around here?"
"Sure." Sulu frowned, probably suspicious about why Jim would want to speak alone with him. "Follow me."
Jim walked behind Sulu while he guided him behind some weird blue plants. And he had thought Lilly was strange.
"Most of the department is otherwise occupied, so we have this space to ourselves. What can I do for you, Commander?"
"At ease, Lieutenant." Jim gave a small nod. "This conversation is off the record; however, I would appreciate it if you kept anything we discuss to yourself, all right?"
"Oh. Of course."
"This is mostly to corroborate a few facts I'm confused about from when we were at the Academy."
"Is this about the Kobayashi Maru?" Sulu asked, sounding surprised.
"No. Why would you think that?" Jim had no idea why Sulu had come to that conclusion.
"It's the biggest topic about when you were at the Academy," Sulu explained, shrugging.
"Man, you hack one sophisticated software program and you're marked forever." Jim smiled. "No, it's about something else. A little bird told me you were in charge of helping with the guest lecturers, right?"
"I was trained in intergalactic relations and when they were short of staff to welcome the lecturers, I was called. I didn't do much, I just guided them around and carried their things," Sulu explained.
"Close enough. Do you remember Karen Klein?"
"Yeah, I assisted her on her last visit as a guest lecturer." Sulu frowned. "But she mostly kept to herself. I was just helping her with the material she needed and escorting her to her room."
"What did you think of her?"
"I don't really know her, Jim." Sulu looked confused. "I don't know if you're her type. She seems to be inclined to the medical staff, she spent a lot of time with the medical research team when she was free."
Jim couldn't help chuckling; why did everyone think he was interested in this woman? Pike was right, sometimes your reputation could be your downfall.
"It's nothing like that, Sulu. I'm more interested in a certain discussion you interrupted? Between Klein and Gary Mitchell?"
Sulu then widened his gaze and started looking nervous. What the hell was going on in here?
"Uh. I'm not authorized to discuss that, Commander," Sulu said in a very clipped tone. The fact that he pulled rank on Jim meant that clearly the Admiralty had been very thorough with the potential consequences of breaking the confidential clause.
"Off the record, Sulu." Jim tried to make Sulu more comfortable. "I'm not asking for you to disobey orders. I'm just wondering if there's anything you can tell me. Rest assured, I'm not going to say anything; this conversation is confidential on both ends."
That apparently calmed Sulu, who sighed.
"Why do you want to know?" Sulu asked. He had been trained well, asking the right questions before releasing information. He would be a great First Officer when he moved to another ship. That thought made Jim feel a pang of sadness, so he dismissed it quickly.
"I'm also not authorized to tell you details, but I can share that I'm concerned about Gary Mitchell. The last time I saw him, he seemed erratic and had a bad attitude towards our Captain, so I decided to dig for information to see if it was just an isolated incident or something that could be considered a pattern. I found out about how he argued with Klein and I thought it could be related to whatever is happening in his head."
"I see." Sulu nodded. "Then I can just tell you that I had to go back to the conference room because she forgot her books, and when I caught up with her she was already arguing with Mitchell. I don't know about what, but he was yelling at her. I could only hear 'admirals' lap-dog' when I stepped in. Then, professor Klein tried to calm Mitchel down, saying that he was overreacting; Mitchell glared at me and Miss Klein tried to smooth things out saying that it was just a misunderstanding, but I had to report it because he was breaking protocol. He also muttered 'another lap-dog' while he walked away."
"Let me get this straight. You interrupted a shouting match between them, but you didn't actually hear anything important, right?" Sulu nodded again. "Then why the hell is that classified?"
"I think that what's classified is the whole incident. It doesn't reflect well on the fleet if we have Commanders yelling at guest lecturers." Sulu frowned. "How did you find out about it anyway?"
"I have my ways." Jim smirked. "And Gary didn't approach you afterwards? Or say anything to you at all?"
"I didn't cross paths with Mitchell after that, until our shore leave, and we didn't actually talk or anything. Admiral Komack-"
"Say no more," interrupted Jim. He knew Komack's speech by heart. "He said he was proud of you for being such a nice cadet and he was confident you would stick to regulations and wouldn't break the confidentiality clause you signed when you wrote the report because that would lead to your immediate discharge and it would be such a shame to lose a cadet with such a potential."
"More or less." Sulu laughed lightly. "I'm sorry I can't help."
"Nah, it's fine. You helped in your own way. Now I have to see if the Ambassador is free from the lab."
"I can help with you that, at least." Sulu glanced to the far side of the lab. "He's with Lily."
"Proud parenting moment? Showing off your daughter?"
"Our daughter, mister, don't forget it," Sulu said in a teasing tone.
"Is the Captain with him?"
"No, he's alone. Why?"
"Oh, no reason." Yes! An opportunity! Spock probably thought the Ambassador was still in the science lab. "I just need to ask him something, can you make sure we have privacy?"
"Of course." Sulu nodded. "I'll leave you with him then. And be nice to Lily, you haven't spent any time with her in a while."
"I'm a busy Commander," Jim smiled. "I'll stop by more often."
"Promises, promises." Sulu waved as he walked away.
Jim smiled, wishing things were simpler. A small part of him thought that he was responsible (at least partly) for whatever Gary was planning. He was supposed to know the guy and yet he had no clue what he wanted. When he talked about changing the rules for the Federation, Jim thought he meant how sometimes Starfleet was too cautious; he never considered that Gary could have a problem with other races, or that he could be a real asshole to get what he wanted.
And he felt like he should have seen it; this was something he could have noticed if he hadn't been so busy worshiping the guy.
He saw the Ambassador standing next to Lily, probably admiring the plant. He had to admit it, she was a pretty awesome plant; Sulu was right to be proud.
"How did you manage to lose your bodyguard?" he asked, coming closer to the Ambassador, ignoring the tingling feeling he got at finally being alone with him.
"If you are referring to the Captain, he is under the impression that I am still in the Science laboratory." The Ambassador smiled at him warmly. "I just found myself drawn to the Botanic Laboratory and as I remembered how to get here, I saw no need to bother him."
"All that long explanation just to tell me that he doesn't know you sneaked out," Jim smirked. "You're full of surprises."
"I hope that is not a bad thing," the Ambassador said, warmly.
"Nah, it's kind of fun." Jim tilted his head. "I guess this is it, huh?"
"I am afraid so. Jim, I know you do not blame me for being so careless; you must understand that those memories will do more harm than good in the long-term. They are my own experiences and it could affect your views on certain things."
"Don't give me that," he snapped, regretting it immediately. "Sorry, sorry, it's just ... they're nice memories. I don't have a lot of those, and it feels nice seeing how things could be different, even if it's not exactly real for me. Like reading a comic book, you know it's not true, but you still can enjoy it."
"Oh, Jim." The Ambassador looked at him with a certain fondness, almost like he was familiar with that argument. "You can make your own happy memories."
"Yeah, sure," he said, bitterly, "but it won't be the same, you know? The way you feel about him ... it's something I'm sure I won't experience, ever. And, it's nice being so loved and cherished... I'm being selfish here, but nobody gets hurt if I keep the memories."
"Except yourself," the Ambassador pointed out.
"That doesn't matter," Jim waved his hand, dismissing the point.
"Of course it matters. You are important. You deserve to have someone who sees the wonderful, bright person you are."
"Ah, like that's going to happen," he sighed. "Fine, wipe me out then."
"I wish things could go differently," the Ambassador tried to reassure. "Nevertheless, I am confident you will have joyful experiences to remember."
"I hope so," Jim nodded. "All right, pep talk worked, I'm ready."
"Even though this was not my intention, I find that I have no regrets," the Ambassador said lowly, coming closer to him.
The Ambassador lifted his hand to put his fingers on Jim's face, gently.
"My mind to your mind ..."
"My thoughts to your thoughts ..."
Jim felt like he was flying. He felt free and happy, and he knew he wasn't alone. It was weird, as he knew the Ambassador probably could see most of his memories with this thing, but he didn't care. He trusted, and it was a liberating experience for him just to be open and let his guard down.
He saw the Enterprise's hallways, but he knew it wasn't his ship, but the other time-lime vessel. He saw Uhura, slightly older, and Chekov with a funny haircut. He saw Bones with his blue eyes and his natural frown, and he saw Sulu with his sword, practicing. He saw Scotty being Scotty, and Nurse Chapel with a different hairstyle. He saw himself, but it wasn't really him. It was the other Jim, smiling warmly.
And he saw Spock, saying 'Jim' with such devotion that he wanted to hold to that memory.
'Jim, you have to let go of these memories, please.' He heard the Ambassador's voice in his head, ten times louder than what he was used to.
'I'm not ready!' He said back to nothing, as he didn't see the Ambassador, but he knew he could hear him just fine. 'Please, just ... let me have this one.'
'Jim-'
'Let me have one memory where someone loved me unconditionally. Please, let me have this one,' he pleaded, not caring if he looked weak or pathetic. He needed this.
'You will have your own memories of being loved. In order to make new memories, we have to let go of the ones that hold us back. Let go, Jim.'
'I can't.'
'You are the strongest man I have ever met, you can let go of what holds you back.'
'You're the only one who thinks I'm strong enough. I'm not strong, Spock. I'm pathetic, I'm never enough. I'll never be enough.'
He felt like he was holding himself from an edge and if he let go, he would fall. He would be hurt and he was tired of being hurt, he wanted to be happy.
Why was that so hard, being happy?
'You have to see it.' And the voice didn't sound like Spock at all. This voice was familiar, and yet he was sure he hadn't heard it before. 'You have to see it, or you will be like me.'
See? See what? He tried to reach for Spock, but then a bright light made him blink. Then, he saw himself in the hallways of the Enterprise.
He saw Bones, but this time it was his best friend who accepted him no matter what. He was chastising him for eating things with too much sugar, and Jim was smiling because his friend, even when he could be a real jackass, cared.
He saw Uhura teaching him Orion. She was shaking her head, but now he noticed she was smiling fondly, when he had thought he was annoying her.
He saw Scotty calling him 'Commander Captain', and laughing with Chekov because he lost on poker night. When he thought they were just humoring him, but he realized now they were actually having fun.
He saw Sulu teaching him about fencing and lecturing him about Lily, sharing anecdotes from the Academy.
He saw Sam, saying he was pleased that his little brother was a big badass Commander, and hearing the pride in his voice for the first time.
He saw his mother, smiling at him even when it didn't reach her eyes, but still trying for him.
'Always for you, Jim,' she said in a whisper.
He saw Pike, hugging him to let him grieve. He knew Pike always regretted being away when Jim needed him the most, but he was here now, and that was what mattered.
He saw Kevin, assuring him he didn't regret a damn thing in his life, and being grateful to Jim for giving him a second chance. 'Just live, Jim.'
He saw Spock, Captain Spock, saying they were friends and he would do anything so he could feel at ease with being his Commander.
He saw Spock, defending him to the Admiralty over his reckless decisions and insubordination.
He saw Spock antagonizing Bones to be on his side, even when Bones was right. Spock had his back no matter what.
He heard Spock, saying 'I thought that was what friends did for each other', and he felt accepted.
He had his happy memories already, he just didn't see them while he obsessed over the borrowed ones. If he kept comparing lives, he would miss the wonderful moments he was experiencing, and he would cling to ghosts from someone else's past.
He had to let go ... even when it hurt, he had to do it if he wanted something of his own. Good, bad ... it didn't matter, he had to live his own life.
He had to live his own life, and not be like his mom, who had her own happy world of memories of George Kirk. She decided to live in the memories of a past life, where she had everything she wanted; and forgot that she had two sons, and they needed her too. They needed her to share her life with them.
And now Jim was doing the same.
'It's hard to let go'. Number one's words echoed in his mind, and he felt a small pang of sympathy for his mother. It wasn't easy to just accept losing what you cherish the most; when your perfect life was broken, even when you tried to glue it back together it wasn't the same.
It wasn't the same, but it didn't mean the pieces couldn't form something different. Even something better.
He felt like a clear path had opened in his mind, and he wasn't as afraid to move on as he was before.
'Goodbye, Jim.' He heard the faint whisper in his head.
Jim blinked, opening his eyes slowly and seeing the Ambassador taking his hand off Jim's face; he smiled, nodding. He was about to say something, when he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat.
He glanced back, tensing immediately at seeing who it was.
Captain Spock was standing behind them, looking murderous.
A/N: Oh dear, is this fic still alive? The answer is: YES! Although taking my sweet time, I'll keep the story going, I'm sorry about the lack of updates, RL is kicking my butt, but I'm trying my best to keep up with my stories. Wonderful Anbessette is really patient with my lack of action, so a big thank you for being my beta. My apologies to you, kind readers, and thank you for your amazing comments and sticking to the story even when I suck. You are the best!