Chapter Fifteen: It Comes in Waves
The days following grew quiet. I was in a constant state of recovery. My bleeding had nearly stopped and I hadn't cramped in over a day. I was under constant watch in case something was to happen. Camila had been true to her word, when I woke Varro was with me. Only he was diminished. His eyes were red and puffy, slight tremors moved through his body every so often as he fought through the pain of our loss. Our last conversation had proven true far earlier than either of us had anticipated. He sat and lay with me; not a moment going by that any part of his skin wasn't touching mine. He was gentle and comforting. All the while I felt as if I were an empty shell. Not speaking a word since the night it happened. I held tight to Varro, listening to his voice, and taking comfort in his touch. But I was so overwhelmed with what had happened that my body and mind simply couldn't handle it anymore. Spartacus was ever watchful, sitting and speaking with me whenever Varro needed to step away. Mira came to me as well as Crixus and Naevia. They spoke such comforting words and yet I could not open mouth to voice my gratitude. I had hopes of bearing Varro children and I had lost it, not knowing if I would ever be able to conceive again.
Camila repeated to me time and time again that the miscarriage had not been caused by Sedullus or anything else that had happened. It wasn't my fault. It was the baby itself. Something was amiss and my body got rid of it before it could suffer any longer. This I understood. Yet the despair both Varro and I were feeling could not be diminished by lack of fault. Our child was still dead, barely formed and already struck from this world.
"Speak to me." Varro whispered late into the night. Several days had gone by and I still remained in bed, still unwilling to break words. All bleeding and physical pain had disappeared and I now lay in our bed, unmoving and unwilling to thrive. It was a comfort and yet it was the place where it had occurred. "I need to hear your voice."
"I am so sorry for losing your child." I told him before a wave of emotion hit me like a mound of bricks, sobs breaking from me with such force that my throat threatened to tear in two.
"It was our child. Not just mine." He told me forcefully as he wrapped me in his arms.
"I am so very sorry." I sobbed.
He turned me into his chest, gripping me tightly as he placed a kiss against my forehead. Burying my face in his chest, I wrapped my arm around him, my other pinned to him, covering my face. Pressing myself as close to him as I could, I let out everything I had inside. I thought I'd already released my despair only it seemed to have returned full force. Varro simply held me, not saying a word as I continued to apologize for losing his child. It had been mine as well but I felt the loss as something that I denied him. Something of his that I was to protect and instead of protecting it I lost it. I knew at some point the grief would once against turn inward to myself but for the moment I grieved for what I had deprived him of. The blond haired, blue eyed, baby that I wanted to give him so badly.
"It was not your fault." Varro said softly when my sobs had finally slowed.
"I know." I told him. "But I lost our baby."
"Yes, our baby. You kept repeating that you'd lost my baby. It was not just mine. It was yours as well. It was a part of you." He replied gently.
"And now it's gone." I cried, more tears falling.
"We will try again. As you said, this is not the time or place to be raising a child. Perhaps the Gods gave us a blessing in calling our child to them so soon."
Nodding, I looked up, meeting his eyes, "Then that is what I will choose to believe."
He smiled, kissing my forehead. "Believe that he looks down on us. A beautiful baby who needed to guard his mother and father from above."
"He?" I smiled.
Varro nodded, his smile growing, "He."
"Okay." I sighed and rested my head against his chest, closing my eyes as he started to run his fingers through my hair.
"Lea, I love you. Everything is going to be all right. You're still here and in my arms."
"I will never be from them." I told him. "I love you as well. More than mere words can convey."
"You like to say that." He replied. I could hear the smirk in his voice.
"I only speak the truth." I smiled and looked up at him.
"Your smile makes the sun envious." He beamed down at me.
"It's night." I beamed back.
"Which makes it all the more beautiful."
Laughing, I was stifled as his lips met mine, kissing me passionately and repeatedly. Rolling over me, his arms moved underneath as he put all his weight on top of me. Wrapping one arm around his neck, I moved my other hand up and down his body, feeling the smoothness of his skin on his sides, feeling the scars as I ran my hand along his back. When I needed to take a breath, I leaned away from him, smiling as I caressed his face.
"It's good to have you back." He smiled.
"The sadness will come in waves." I replied, my smile faltering. "But you are right. We still have each other. We can try again when this rebellion has reached its end."
"I'll enjoy trying."
"As will I, my love."
Rolling off of me, we wrapped each other in our arms and slept the rest of the night. Come morning, we finally made our way from the room, being seen for the first time in days. As I expected, there was a rush of voices and soon I was met with smiling faces as people embraced me or made any sort of contact with me. I recognized most as my own, though some were from Spartacus' and even Crixus' groups.
Coming round a corner, I sighed with relief as I saw Spartacus moving toward me with Mira at his side. Smiling, I embraced him as he swiftly wrapped me in a tight embrace. Telling him that I was okay, I rubbed his back before releasing him, embracing Mira next.
"Come, everyone will be eager to see you." Mira smiled. "You look well."
"I feel well." I smiled at her.
"We've been concerned." Spartacus added as he put his hand on my face.
Putting my hand over his I smiled at him, "I hope to be done causing concern for a while."
"It would be much appreciated." He smiled before kissing my forehead.
Throwing my arms around his neck, I let silent tears fall as he wrapped his arms around me tightly. Running my hand down the back of his head, I squeezed his neck affectionately, words escaping me as I attempted to pull myself back together. When I finally released him, he put an arm around me, leading me toward the front of the temple where I could hear the majority of our people conversing, eating and drinking to their hearts content. I sighed with contentment as I took everything in, moving forward when I saw Naevia, touching her shoulder and smiling as she embraced me tightly. Crixus' hand found my neck and a moment later I was wrapped in his arms as well. For all the bad that had happened, I did enjoy what came after. Knowing that I had people who cared about me made everything seem worth it. I could never have asked for a better family than the one I had now. I could never have asked for a better man. I had a good life. Even if there was pain and loss there was still something to fight for. Something that made all of this worthwhile.
"Lea." Agron's voice drifted through the crowd around me.
My smile faltered and I turned toward his voice. The crowd split to form a path between him and me. He stepped forward but stopped, his expression wary of what I was thinking. Nasir was at his side, looking between the pair of us. When neither of us made a move he stepped up to me, pulling me into a gentle embrace. Taking his head in my hands I smiled at him, nodding that I was okay. Soon the small group dispersed and I was left with those closest to me with Agron alone across from me.
"I cannot express –" He started but stopped. "Apologies for what happened and the part I had to play in it."
Stepping up to him, I gave him a small smile, "Agron, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault."
"But I feel as if I am to blame." He told me with heavily furrowed brows.
"And I wish I could blame you." I frowned back at him, making him avert his eyes. "If there was someone to blame, I would blame you. I wish that it made a difference but it doesn't. No one is to blame." I paused and his eyes remained on the ground. Stepping closer to him, I lifted his chin with the tips of my fingers, meeting his eyes. Smiling, I gently shook my head, "I don't blame you. I love you. Despite everything that has happened or will happen…I love you, Agron. You are as brother to me. You are to me as Spartacus and Crixus. You are family and even when I'm angry at you that will never change. Even when I'm blaming you for something that you had no control over, that will never change."
In the next moment he had me in his arms. I had been angry with him. I had blamed him. But I knew that he held no part to play in my miscarriage. His mistake was not putting his trust in Spartacus. He had already righted his wrongs and I didn't want him to feel as if he had something to prove to me. He'd already proven himself loyal. He was a good man. A man that was to be admired. I did love him as much as any other. More so as I felt a warm drop fall against my shoulder.
"None of that." I told him, squeezing him as tightly as I could. "Everything is fine. You have not wronged me."
"I love you too." He whispered in my ear before kissing my temple.
"You're a good man." I smiled running my hand down his hair before releasing him. "Never forget that."
"You're a rare beauty, Lea." He smirked.
"She's my rare beauty." Varro smiled as he put an arm around me, pulling me against his side. Agron laughed and took a step away from me.
"Always the jealous one." I frowned up at my love. "He doesn't even have eyes for women."
"Maybe for you." Agron teased and winked at me.
Laughing lightly, I shook my head at him as I pressed myself closer against Varro's side. "Do not listen to him, Varro." I told him, rubbing his back.
"She may like you just fine." He told Agron with a smile. "But I'd prefer if you kept your distance."
"Varro." I frowned up at him. "It's done."
"He still has penance to make."
"Varro, no." I said stepping in front of him. He refused to meet my eyes. "Love." I said gripping his hand. "He is one of us. He is a good man." He finally looked down at me and sighed, attempting to force a smile. "Don't sigh as if you're going to agree just to make me happy. You simply need to see that he is not an enemy. He has learned his lesson. It was harder than he anticipated but it has been learned. It's done."
"We'll see." He said and walked away.
Sighing after him, I smiled at Agron, "He'll let it go."
"He loves you. Never hold that against him." He replied with a soft voice.
"He speaks truth." Nasir told me with his hand on my shoulder.
Nodding at him, he joined Agron and they took their leave. Spartacus and Crixus embraced me before they too went to take care of the day's business. Mira and Naevia stayed with me, helping me to a bath and a clean dress. It felt nice to be clean again, my hair braided over my shoulder comfortably. Then they sought out a hot meal and a cold glass of water for me. It was delicious and I devoured it within minutes. After, we sat on the steps and watched the training that had started on the sand.
"How are you really feeling?" Mira asked as she gently played with my braid.
"Physically I am fine." I told her. "Emotionally…" I said unable to find the words.
She nodded and smiled at me sadly. "I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Me too." I smiled at her, resting my head on her shoulder.
"We love you." Naevia said sweetly.
Smiling, I took her hand, holding it against my chest. "I love you both as well. I wish this peace would last."
"As do we all."
The remainder of the day was spent watching training. I was forbidden from any activity that proved too demanding. My body was still healing and I was taking advantage of the relaxation it offered. Finding myself in my room alone, I laid down, curling into a tight ball as the silence of the room started to weigh heavily on my mind. The longer I lay the more my memory played tricks, making me feel and hear things that were not there. A child laughing. Warmth flooding beneath me. The feeling so strong that I scrambled upright, pulling the covers back only to see the white of the sheets. Breathing heavily, hot tears filled my eyes and soft sobs broke from me as I lay back down, pulling the blankets up and hugging my pillow against my chest, muffling the sounds that were escaping me. The sobs did not stop until sleep took me. One filled with dreams of children and peace that I feared I would never know. Fearing more so now than ever before that this rebellion would turn into a war. A war of blood and death. One that would see me to my grave, denying me the life I craved so badly.
Waking to gentle kisses along my neck and shoulder, I slowly opened my eyes, my senses being flooded with the smell of wine. Frowning, I turned my head to see Varro smiling down at me. Turning my torso, I sighed, frowning up at him. "What is the hour?"
"Late." He replied and kissed me deeply.
"How much wine have you had?" I asked him. He didn't reply; he simply kissed me deeply. "Come to bed, my love." I told him gently.
"I'm not ready for bed." He replied as he trailed his kisses down my body, removing the blankets as he did so.
"Varro." I frowned. "You've partaken in too much wine. You need to sleep."
"I want to make love to my wife." He said and he started to pull up the dress I still wore.
Moving away from him, I frowned as I pulled a blanket with me. "Your wife is in no mood for love making."
He sat back and frowned at me. Now that I was up, my eyes felt sore and my mood was foul. "You've been crying." He commented.
"Yes." I frowned at him. "I've been crying for the loss of our child. I am in no mood for wine and the enjoyment of your cock."
"Apologies." He said putting his hand on my leg. "You're right. I've had too much wine."
"Sleep." I told him as I stood from the bed.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"I do not think sleep will take me again this night." I said wrapping a blanket around myself and moving toward the door.
"Lea." Varro said gently with furrowed brows.
"Apologies." I said moving to him, moving between his legs as he sat on the edge of the bed. Running my fingers through his hair, my eyes moved over every inch of his face. "You need to sleep. I must roam the grounds to ease mind before returning to bed."
"I cannot sleep without you by my side." He said putting his hands firmly on my hips.
Smiling, I sat next to him, kissing him gently as I continued to run my fingers through his hair. "I recall a disagreement we had where I was absent our bed."
"And I didn't sleep a moment that night." He frowned at me. A twinge of guilt filled me. "I heard you come into the room. I stayed still, not wanting to speak in case your mood was still foul. Then I heard you walk away." He told me with a sad expression. Sighing, giving him a small smile, I ran my fingers down his face before running my thumb across his bottom lip. "I lay awake the remainder of the night, cursing myself for the words I allowed to pass my lips. I did not anticipate the affect they would have and I made a vow to never speak them again."
"You'll never have to." I said taking his head in my hands. "I will never be from your side again. Nor from your bed." He still held a sad expression on his face. "We've spoken about this before. It is in the past. I mentioned it to lighten mood not weigh on heart."
"Every mistake I have made with you weighs on me."
"Do not let it." I told him forcefully. "You will make mistakes. I will make mistakes. We are only human."
"Then do not leave me tonight." He said sadly.
Smiling at him, I nodded, kissing him deeply. He still tasted of wine. Crawling back onto the bed, I propped myself up against the pillows, opening my arms to him. He laid across my lap, his head resting against my chest. Wrapping him in my arms, I pressed my lips into his hair. He relaxed against me, closing his eyes as his fingers gently trailed along my skin where his hand lay. Soon his breathing deepened and I knew that sleep had taken him. He had partook in too much wine making sleep come quicker than normal. Sighing, I ran my fingers through his hair before moving them to his back, trailing them up and down his bare skin, loving the feeling of him. Studying his scars, I smiled at the memory of our time beneath Batiatus's roof. I could never hate that place for it was within those walls that I met Varro. He was the love of my life and I was more grateful to my former masters for that than anyone could understand.
Finding little sleep, I cradled him in my arms for the remainder of the night. He fell asleep in the safety of my embrace and that was how he woke. With my fingers running through his hair and along his back. Turning his head into my stomach, he pressed his lips against my skin before rolling off of me. Smiling down at him, I put my hand on his chest, trailing my fingers up down the smooth flesh.
Opening his eyes he smiled at me with fondness. "Did you sleep at all?"
"A few moments here and there." I told him.
He sat up with a concerned look, clearing his voice of sleep as he frowned, "I shouldn't have slept in your arms. You need sleep more than I."
"In my arms is the only place you should be." I smiled putting my hand on his back.
"It's in mine where you should find comfort and rest." He replied gently.
"And I do find comfort and rest whilst in them." I nodded. "But I will take care of you despite my needs."
"You are more important than I am." He said leaning back against the pillows with me.
"Stop." I told him. "That is so far from true there are no words."
"I love you." He smiled and kissed me deeply.
"And I love you."
"Lea?" Naevia's voice said from the doorway, making both of us turn toward it.
"Sister." I smiled at her. Though my smile disappeared as I took in her expression. "What is it?"
"Something's happened." She replied.
"Naevia." I said quickly standing, Varro doing the same. "What is it?"
"Gannicus has returned." She told me tentatively.
"And?" I frowned at her.
"He is not alone."
"Speak plainly and break the words you came to deliver."
"He brings Ilithyia." She stated.
A chill ran through my body and I looked up at Varro before meeting her eyes once more. "For what purpose?"
"He brings her for Spartacus. For him to take her life to end the vengeance he seeks."
Meeting Varro's eyes, I leaned forward before darting through the temple in search of Spartacus. Finding him at a counter with Gannicus, I rushed to his side, my hand finding his shoulder. "Brother." I said with concern.
"She's alive." He told me.
"Have you lost mind? Killing her will not bring Sura back. It will do nothing other than take the lives of a mother and child." I told him quickly.
"She claims the child is mine." He replied unsure of what to think of it.
"What?" I frowned. "How sure is she?"
"She says her monthly bleeding stopped after the night we lay together." He explained. I was silent, knowing that it could very well be the truth. "Your silence is anything but reassuring."
"It's possible." I told him. "And if the child is yours, can you honestly tell me that you'd be able to take its life?"
"No." He replied quickly. "Especially with the loss you've suffered I would not dare take the life of a child under the same roof as you. Even if it is true I will not lower myself to Glaber's level."
Smiling, I put my hand against his cheek. "Gratitude. You are a much better man than the praetor will ever be."
He wrapped his arms around me, sighing into my neck. "I must have words with Mira." He told me letting me go.
Nodding, I kissed his cheek, "Go."
Watching him walk away, I waited till he was out of sight before I looked at Gannicus. "Where is she?"
He just looked at me before leading me down the hall. We were far from the others before he stopped and motioned toward a doorway. "What are you going to do?" He asked me.
"Leave us." I frowned at him.
"Fine." He frowned before walking away.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the room to see a bound and blindfolded Ilithyia. Stepping up to her, she started to squirm at the sound, afraid of who was there. She knew that her life was at risk. She knew that she was living on borrowed time. Her life wasn't her own. Nor was that of her child.
"Do not be afraid." I told her as I knelt in front of her.
Recognition crossed what I could see of her face, calming at my words. "Lea?" She said with a small voice.
Not responding right away, my eyes lingered on her belly. She was heavy with child and I was instantly jealous of her. Her child was healthy within her womb while mine was dead and no longer inside of me. "Yes." I replied with more air than sound.
"What does Spartacus plan to do with me?" She asked.
Furrowing my brows, I laughed at her, "Do you honestly think I will tell you anything?"
"Please. I beg of you. Tell me what is to happen to me." She told me with sorrow in her voice.
Moving forward, I pulled the blindfold from her head, allowing her eyes to adjust to the light of the room. "I am not here to tell you what Spartacus has in store for you. I am here to simply take in the woman of the man who ruined my brother's life. He put things into action that even you cannot comprehend."
"Then why come to me?" She frowned.
Moving forward, I put my hands against her belly, waiting a few long moments before I felt the subtle movement of the child inside. Tears filled my eyes, sliding down my cheeks as I beamed at her belly. Looking up at her, my smile faltered and I ran my hands along her belly before folding them in my lap.
"You're very blessed." I told her. She just looked at me. "I was with child just days ago. Now I am empty while you sit here with a healthy child growing inside of you." Fear crossed her face. "Why is it that a woman like you, who has murdered and manipulated herself and everyone around her gets to have the happy life with husband and child? Why do you deserve to have a child when mine was taken from me before it could truly begin to live?" I asked, my voice rising.
"Apologies for the loss you have suffered." She told me with mock sympathy.
Laughing again, I shook my head at her before backhanding her as hard as I could, taking satisfaction in the blood that trailed from the corner of her mouth. "You know nothing of my suffering."
"Apologies." She repeated as she cowered away from me.
Standing, I took a deep calming breath, my body shaking from the anger that built up inside of me. "I will have someone bring food and water to you."
"Why help me if you hate me so?" She asked.
"It's not for you." I told her. "It's for the child. Spartacus' child."
"He told you." She said, fear creeping back into her voice.
"He's my brother." I replied. "I will make sure you are tended to out of the love I have for him. If it is true that the child you carry belongs to him, then I will look after it."
"My child cannot replace yours." She told me slowly.
"No." I said shaking my head. "It can't."
Leaving the room, I stopped when I saw Varro. Tears were still on my cheeks. A sad expression crossed his face and he opened his arms to me. Rushing into them, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, burying my face in his neck as he pressed me against his chest. Sobbing into him, I gripped him tightly, once again grieving our loss. Pulling me away from him, he took my head in his hands, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"You should not have gone to her." He told me.
Nodding at him, I took a shuddering breath. "Her belly is beautiful." I smiled at him before letting out a harsh laugh.
"Do not do this to yourself." He told me.
"I cannot help it. She is heavy with child while I stand here empty." I replied as more hot tears fell down my cheeks.
"You are not empty." He said stepping closer to me, his body gently brushing against mine. "You are full of love and hope and courage. You are twice the woman that Roman bitch will ever be on her best day."
Laughing, I leaned up and kissed him deeply. "Gratitude."
"I'd do anything for you." He said and kissed me again. Laughing again I wrapped my arms around his neck, placing a long kiss against his shoulder. "Come. Let us get some wine. Now that you are able to take part in it I think it's about time we take advantage of it."
"Agreed." I said wrapping my arm around his waist as we walked away.
Finding a flagon of wine, we took it back to our room, not feeling like socializing with the others. Their antics were not what we needed. As much a part of the group as we were, we enjoyed our time alone most of all. Drinking until our minds were foggy, we talked and laughed and lay in each other's arms. Every moment with him was the newest favored of my life. He was everything to me. He was my world. In the moment where he fell asleep, me watching him, I realized that we would get through this. He always said that as long as we were together everything would be okay. I believed him. But in this moment I felt it. I felt myself letting go of the grief and the loss. Only the moment I felt it a wave of guilt took me. My child was not so easily forgotten. Sitting with my arm wrapped around Varro, I gently played with his blond curls, wondering if our child would have inherited them from him. Or if it would have gotten my hair but his blue eyes.
Still feeling the effects of the wine, I slowly moved from the bed, slipping through the halls until I once again stood outside the room Ilithyia was being held captive in. Along the way I had taken another flagon of wine from a snoring rebel. Taking a long drink of it, I stepped into the room, pulling the blindfold off before I sat in front of her. She looked at me warily but didn't say anything. Taking another drink, I let it linger on my tongue before swallowing it down. All the while my eyes stayed on the blond cunt in front of me. I loathed her. I didn't think I could loathe anyone as much as her. Yet she had the one thing I wanted. Her child. Tears started to fall freely down my cheeks and she looked at me with fear as I stared at her stomach. Standing, I looked at the table to see randomness atop it. A glass. A bowl and cloth. But my eyes lingered on only one thing. A dagger. Taking it with a steady hand, I turned toward the bound woman. Her fear intensified and she started to exclaim, calling for help.
"You and your husband are trying to take everything from me. If it weren't for Gaius then Spartacus would never have lost his wife or his freedom. This rebellion would never have started and many who are dead would still be alive." I told her, turning the blade in my hand.
"And if he never went to Batiatus than you may never have met your lover."
"My husband." I corrected. "And he came of his own accord. I would still be with him today."
"As slaves." She stated with a small smile.
"If you are trying to anger me it's working. Keep it up and you will no longer have to worry about Spartacus. I will kill you myself." I shot at her through clenched teeth.
"You don't have it in you." She frowned.
Moving the blade to her stomach, I rested its tip against her flesh. "I'll cut the child out and let you bleed to death while you watch me hold your child in my arms."
When she spoke her words were drenched with fear, "You wouldn't."
"I lost my child. I deserved to be happy. Varro and I deserve to be happy. We are genuinely in love while you and Gaius live a lie. I'm sure you haven't told him of your child's true father." She simply looked at me. "I would like nothing more than to take your child from you."
"Lea…" She said with a shocked expression.
Looking at her belly, I put pressure on the knife, feeling it break the surface of her skin, a small amount of blood showing on her dress. She attempted to scramble away from me but there was nowhere for her to go.
"I deserve to be happy. I deserve a child." I said as I stared at her stomach. "I deserve a child." I repeated, putting more pressure on the blade. Then my name was yelled and I turned to see Spartacus in the doorway. "I deserve a child!" I yelled at him.
"Do not do this." He said stepping toward me tentatively.
"Spartacus. It's your child. I will take care of him." I replied looking back at Ilithyia.
"You do not want to harm her." He said bending down next to me. "This isn't you."
Now I was shaking, my voice small and uneven, "I deserve a child."
"You do." He told me, running his hand down my hair. "More than anyone, you deserve a child. But this is not the way. You do not want to harm her."
Tears welled and soon a sob broke from me. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't. But I should. "I want to be happy. I want to make Varro happy."
"He is happy." Spartacus said sadly. "You make him happy. He doesn't need a child to be happy. All he needs is you."
"You didn't see his face when I told him. He wanted to be a father so badly and I lost his child. Another lies within reach. How am I not to take advantage of it?" I sobbed, meeting his eyes.
"Because you are a genuinely good person." He smiled at me. "I love you for all that you are and I know that you do not want this."
Staring at him, it took only a moment before the knife fell from my hand. Looking at Ilithyia, I stood and rushed from the room. Moving from the temple walls, I rushed into the wood, falling to my knees, screaming my agony. Screaming until I couldn't breathe and my throat was raw and my eyes red and sore. After, I sat on my heels with my hands in my lap, my head bowed as stray tears dripped from my eyes. Hearing steps, someone dropped to their knees in front of me. A hand slowly moved toward me, resting it gently on my knee.
"What's happening to me?" I asked.
"You're grieving." Spartacus told me.
"I was going to cut her child from her belly." I frowned looking up at him. "If you hadn't arrived I think I would have done it. I would have taken her child – your child – for Varro and myself. I wanted the child that was inside of me. I wanted it so badly. She doesn't deserve to be happy."
"She will get what's coming to her." He replied, his hand moving to the side of my head. "And you wouldn't have done it. You would have stopped yourself."
"Would I?" I frowned harder. "I'm not so sure."
"I am." He smiled at me, running his thumb back and forth across my cheek.
Part of me wanted to smile at him but most of me wanted to run. I wanted revenge. Any Roman would do. Standing, I looked down at Spartacus, watching the smile fall from his face. In the next moment I sprinted away from him, rushing through the woods until I found the road, following it back toward Capua. It was rash. It was reckless. It could possibly lead to my death and yet I wasn't myself anymore. I was someone else. I thought I had dealt with my grief and now I was on my way to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
Seeing the glow of a fire ahead, I pushed myself harder, my lungs felt like sandpaper, my legs burning from running so long. Without slowing, I slammed myself into the gate of the villa, the force of it making them cave inward, my body slamming into the ground. The soldiers stood and looked down at me before two came rushing forward to assist me.
"What's happened?" One asked.
"Spartacus." I told them. They all looked at each other as they helped me to my feet.
"Where is he?" Another asked.
"You misunderstand." I replied gripping his shoulder. "Spartacus is going to kill you all." I said calmly before pulling his sword from its sheath and plunging it into his gut.
In the next moment they all had their swords out. Two rushed me and I quickly disarmed them, their bodies falling to the ground. Then there was pain as one slashed my back. More as another slashed my side. Swinging the sword, its edge met flesh and blood sprayed me in the face. Bending backward, I twisted full circle, the sword finding more flesh, more blood spraying as I straightened in time to take the arm off of another soldier, slitting his throat mid-scream. Pain seared through my arm as I was cut again, a yell escaping me before we stood face to face. He was the last. There had only been a handful, scouts for the army. Only now he realized that he was going to die. Shaking with anger, I glared at him, my eyes wide and my body flowing with adrenaline. Gripping the sword with both hands, I let out a feral yell before parting his head from his body with one swing.
When it was done I felt all the energy leave my body. I was done. I had taken the revenge I had sought. Falling to my knees, I took in the bodies that lay around me. Then I heard the jagged breaths of someone still alive. Frowning, I saw an armless soldier huddled in a corner. Standing, I walked toward him, glowering at the fact that he was still alive.
"Who are you?" He said with terror.
"I am Lea." I told him. "If you survive the night, be sure you spread my name, for I am going to kill every Roman who dares cross my path." Kneeling down, I made sure he kept my eyes. "If you think Spartacus is worthy of fearing than you don't know what real fear is. For I have been wounded and I will not rest until this rebellion is over and we can live in peace."
"They will never let you live in peace." He told me though his eyes had grown even wider than they had been before.
"Then they just sealed their fate." I glared at him.
Standing, I turned away from him, only to have him call out to me. "Kill me!" He exclaimed. "Kill me please!"
Turning back to him, I smiled, "No." Moving toward the gates, I stopped when I saw my family standing before me, out of breath. They had followed me. "Everything is fine." I told them. "You didn't have to come."
"Yes we did." Spartacus said stepping toward me. "You could have been killed."
"No, I couldn't have." I frowned at him. "I have enough pain and anger running through my veins. I cannot be killed."
"Why are you acting this way?" Varro asked as he stepped forward, concern coating his words.
"Because I can't feel anything!" I yelled at him, not realizing I wanted to yell at him. His shoulders fell and he looked at me with furrowed brows. "I am empty, Varro, and nothing can fill me!"
"I thought we'd discussed this. I thought we had worked it through." He frowned at me.
Laughing, I started to pace in front of them. It wasn't just the two of them. It was Naevia, Crixus, and Agron. Their eyes were fixed on me, worry in their expressions. "Worked it through?" I shot at him. "I lost our child and you think that words will make it okay? I am empty and nothing can fill me. Don't you see that?"
"Do you not think that I am empty as well?" He frowned at me.
"You don't understand." I stated. "You didn't feel our child inside of you. You didn't feel the changes he had on my body and mind. You don't understand!"
"I do understand." He told me. "I do, but you do not see me risking my life to make myself feel better."
"I am empty." I repeated.
"I am as well!" He yelled gripping my arms tightly. "Do you want to know what I find fills me?" I just looked at him. "You. You're touch. You're scent. The sound of your voice. The taste of your lips. You are what I wake up for and what I fight for. I do not care about the number of Romans I kill. I kill them for Spartacus and the rebellion but also for you. We will have the rest of our lives for children and happiness. Right now all I need is you. Now tell me what you need."
"I don't know what I need!" I yelled as hot tears ran down my cheeks.
"Am I not enough?" Varro asked with pain in his words, his expression holding more sorrow than I'd ever seen. He looked at me as if I was dead and he was speaking to my corpse.
For a moment it seemed as if something hit me in my center. Putting my hands on his arms, I finally calmed, meeting his eyes. "You are more than I deserve." I told him. "Apologies if I have made you think otherwise. You are everything to me. I love you more than words can describe."
"Then why are you putting yourself in danger?" He asked moving his hands to my face.
"I lost our child. I lost him and feel as if my world was lost with him. I am filled with despair, my love." I told him softly. "But I think I've finally found a measure of peace." Turning toward the wounded soldier, I stepped up to him, bending down and meeting his eyes. "I am sorry for the suffering I have caused you."
"Will you kill me?" He asked.
"Yes." I smiled before putting his sword through his chest. "Find peace." Turning back to my family, I moved into Varro's side as he opened his arm to me. "Apologies." I told them.
"Please tell me you are through." Naevia said with a frown.
Wrapping my arms around her, I sighed, "I am, sister."
"We all feel the pain of your loss. But to lose you as well would be unbearable." She said gripping me tighter.
"Apologies. I know I haven't been myself as of late."
Taking my head in her hands, she smiled at me, "We will bring you back."