Chapter Sixteen: Grief
Due to my own stupidity, I was once again forced to sit on the sidelines. Having told my family that I had found peace and that I was going to return to my former self, I found the act impossible. I found my demeanor had changed. I did feel like me again but I also felt stronger. Despite the wounds I had endured, I felt as if I had finally found my will to lead. It was a distraction I hated and yet I was starting to embrace it. I no longer was the soft Lea who worked through problems calmly and with more words than action. I now took charge of the situations I was put in and made sure that what I believed was right was done. There were moments I was wrong and I admitted it, but when I was sure of something I made sure it was done.
"Enough!" I yelled pointing at a pair who was once again arguing about the space they were allotted. "I've had enough of your petty fighting. If you are so concerned with the space you've been given than you are free to go."
"Lea, we didn't mean any disrespect." The woman told me.
"You are both free, which means you are free to make your own choices. If you do not agree with the way this camp is run than you are free to go." I replied.
"Everything is fine." The other told me.
"Good." I told her.
Turning from them, I continued to scold those on the sand, correcting forms and splitting up fights that became far too serious. Rolling my shoulders, I returned to the temple steps, leaning against a pillar as I frowned at the people around me.
"You've grown hard." Old Lucius said crossing his arms next to me.
"I've simply embraced the leader they wanted me to become." I replied.
"I think they preferred the kind Lea who only was hard when she had to be."
"And I have to be when they quarrel about things they cannot change and fight amongst each other when they should be working together." I frowned, meeting his eyes.
He nodded at me, "And yet I feel as if your words would have much more effect on them than the actions you've been making."
"If you know so much than you lead the people." I shot at him before walking away.
"You need to snap out of this." Crixus said falling in step with me.
"Out of what?" I shot at him.
"This mood you're in."
"It's not a mood, Crixus. I'm simply putting my anger into good use."
"You've remained kind and loving with Varro. Why can you not remain that way with the rest of us? With the people?" Stopping I looked at him. My anger was beginning to rise, I was about to unleash it on him but he interrupted me. "You can take it out on me all you want. I'm not going anywhere. But you need to realize that the loss you suffered is one that many have experienced in the past."
"I am aware, Crixus." I said and started walking again.
"You tell us what we want to hear but you have yet to decide what you need." He stated with certainty.
"And you're going to be the one to understand me and tell me what I need?" I asked with a raised brow.
He simply looked at me, letting me walk away from him. Moving through the villa, I busied myself with random things before returning to the sands for the evening bout of training. Many faces were unknown to me. More and more came to us with every supply run we made. We made room for them, making everyone more uneasy with the accommodations that were offered. But they were all we had to offer. Every complaint made to me about it made me that much more on edge. My emotions were askew and everything that happened pushed me one step closer to my breaking point. Proven as I took to the sands…
It all happened with a blur of bodies and swords and soon the scent of iron as blood was spilled. There was a moment when my mind shutdown and I was simply an animal thinking of nothing else but the attack. It had started as a lesson. It had started when I stepped onto the sands as one was swiftly beaten by the other.
"No!" I had yelled. "Have you learned nothing from Oenomaus' teaching? From Crixus, or Spartacus, Agron, or even myself?" Both had stared at me. "Take a seat." I told the winner. "You." I pointed at the other. "Attack me."
"Lea." Oenomaus said from the sidelines.
"Don't." I shot at him. "A lesson needs to be learned."
Ordering the man to attack me, he circled me, clearly unwilling to do so. He was of average build. Nothing special. He seemed anxious and afraid. We didn't have time for it. I understood fear. I understood it more than anyone else. But I also knew how to wield it. I knew how to use it to my advantage. This man didn't. When he finally attacked me, I overcame him in seconds. I was half his size and yet brought him down with ease. Ordering him back on his feet, I attacked first this time, taking him down even faster.
"Get up! Learn something!" I screamed at him. "Watch my movements! The body gives everything away if you know what you're looking for. Look!"
We fought again, this time he lasted just moments longer than he did before. Frustrated, my anger bursting out of me, I continued to overpower him. He was tired and I couldn't have been more alive. If we had been using wooden swords he may have survived what happened next. Sadly, there was cold metal in our hands. Metal that slid into him like butter when I thrust the sword into his gut. Blood immediately started to spill from his mouth. I let the blood flow down the sword, the warmth of it running along my hands and wrist before it fell to the ground in a constant flow. Pushing him off the blade, he died on the sands, blood staining the ground. Breathing hard, I looked at all the eyes that were staring at me. I wasn't sorry. I knew I should be but I couldn't pull the feeling from the pit of my stomach where I had pushed it.
"Are you prepared to learn?!" I screamed at the crowd.
It took only a moment for them to agree, all of them falling into lines across from each other. Looking at Oenomaus, he was looking at me with anger and worry, intensity in his eyes that made me almost break from the fury I was feeling. Throwing the sword onto the sand, I turned and left the temple grounds, walking to the stream to cleanse my hands and arms. Taking deep breaths, I slowly calmed myself. Hearing footsteps, my jaw clenched and I stared at my reflection.
"What can I do to help you?" Spartacus asked.
"I do not need your help." I told him.
"You just killed a man without provocation." He snapped at me.
Standing, I faced him, "He provoked me by being too mindless to learn anything."
"They aren't gladiators, Lea!" He yelled at me.
Yelling back at him, I closed the gap between us, "They need to learn to be!"
"Lea." Varro's voice said as he came into view, breathing hard from running.
"Hello, love." I smiled at him, immediately calming.
"Come." He said looking at his brother. Walking up to him, he put his arm around me, fire moving across my skin where his flesh met mine.
"A word, Varro." Spartacus said angrily.
He nodded before looking at me, putting his hand on my face, "I'll be right behind you."
"Okay." I nodded, smiling at him before I walked away. Only I didn't go far. I went far enough for them to think I was out of earshot before I moved behind a tree, still able to hear their voices.
"Something is wrong with Lea." Spartacus told his brother.
"She lost our child. She's grieving. Everyone handles grief in their own way." Varro defended me.
"It's been weeks. She is getting worse, not better."
"She lost our child." Varro repeated slower.
"Her mind is going." Spartacus said sadly. "She is no longer the Lea we love. Something needs to be done."
"I will take care of her." Varro told him.
"You are what's keeping her grounded, Varro. But I no longer think you can help her." He replied as gently as he could.
Anger started to boil again. I wanted to turn and hurt him for his words. I was not as damaged as he thought me to be. About to move from behind the tree, Crixus and Agron appeared in front of me. Looking at them, I knew that this had been planned from the beginning. Perhaps not me hearing Spartacus' words but they had always intended on coming for me. Turning, I ran, only Crixus quickly caught up to me, gripping my arm.
"You can't help me." I told him, my fire burning.
"Yes, I can." He retorted, gripping both my arms painfully. Opening my mouth to call out to Varro, he hit me, making everything fall away.
When I woke, I found myself on Crixus' bed, the man binding my wrists to it, tying my ankles together as well. "What are you doing?" I asked him, my head pounding. "You struck me."
"It was one of the hardest things I've ever done." He told me with sorrow. I knew he wouldn't have done it had I not provoked it. We both knew it was necessary for I would not have gone with him willingly.
"Why am I here?" I asked.
"You are going to stay in here until you have worked through whatever is turning you into stone." He told me.
Laughing, I shook my head at him. "I am fine, Crixus."
"You are far from fine." He told me putting his hand against my face.
Turning away from his touch, I glared at him, "You cannot keep me here."
"You are not the Lea I love." He frowned at me sadly. "I want her back." I simply continued to glare at him. "While you work through your grief, Spartacus and I will tend to your people."
"You're taking away my people now?"
"Isn't that what you want?"
"Yes." I said without hesitation, feeling a small wave a relief. He paused and met my eyes. "More than anything I wish to be free from the shackles they have bound me with."
In the next moment he had me pinned against his chest. It was awkward and I couldn't embrace him the way I would have liked but it was a comfort to feel his embrace. Letting me go, he finished binding me. My arms were bound against the head of the bed, my knees bent against my chest. Standing at the foot of the bed, he crossed his arms as he looked at me.
"Are you just going to leave me here?" I asked.
"Yes." He told me. "Work through it and become you again. People will be filtering in and out throughout the day. Embrace their words and see the truth in them. Break words and let your anger go."
"Where's Varro?"
"You will not be seeing him today." He replied.
"You can't keep me from him." I frowned.
"Yes, I can." He smirked and left.
"Crixus!" I called after him. "CRIXUS!"
For several minutes, I fought against my bindings, though I knew that it was no use. Crixus had a plan and there was no stopping him. When I was shaking with exertion, I managed to get myself back into the position I had started in, panting as I rolled my shoulders in an attempt to relax. My arms were stretched out, but there was minimal pain when I relaxed them against the ropes. It felt as if hours had passed and I was still stuck there…alone. My head was still throbbing and my voice inside my head was so loud I thought it might explode. Being alone with no distractions, I found that my mind kept moving through everything that had happened, starting with my miscarriage. I had become a monster. I could see that. But I didn't know how to turn the anger off. I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know if I wanted to.
I had barely begun to wallow in my grief when the sheet rippled and Mira entered the room. Her expression was sad. Spartacus had turned from her and now she was alone. She had made attempt on Ilithyia's life and now she was shunned. Spartacus was the fool and had spared Ilithyia's life, leading her blindfolded before releasing her to return to her home. It was a display of strength, though many thought it was weakness. I was angry with Spartacus for his decision, yet even I would not be able to harm the child that was living in her belly. In reality, I admired him for his ability to let it go. He hated her yet he had the strength to release her. But my heart went out to Mira. She loved him so much and now she was alone. He hardly looked at her and all she wanted was to be with him.
"Crixus has told us to come make you see reason." She said sitting cross-legged in front of me.
"Yes, he tells me that I harbor too much anger." I smiled at her. "And he's right. I'm a monster."
She smiled and nodded, "As am I."
"No." I said leaning toward her. "What you did, you did for the love you hold for Spartacus. He will see that. He loves you."
"He did." She said with sorrow.
"He does." I said making her meet my eyes.
Her smile faltered as she squeezed my knee, "He loves you."
"He is brother to me." I told her.
She nodded, moving closer to me, running her hand down my hair, "He's concerned for you."
"As he should be." I shot at her angrily, leaning back again.
"How can I help you?" She asked.
"You can't." I shook my head at her. "You are just as angry as I am right now. You will only help fuel the hate I have inside of me."
"Then yell and struggle." She said moving to her knees. "Release all your pent up aggression."
"I've tried." I told her desperately. "I've tried crying. I've tried screaming. I've even tried killing." I said and paused, taking a deep breath. "I've tried pretending to be happy. I don't know how to make this feeling go away."
"Mira." Nasir said from the doorway.
She looked at him and nodded before turning back to me. Leaning forward, she placed a kiss against my cheek before getting up and leaving. Looking at Nasir, he stepped forward but he stayed standing at the foot of the bed. Staring at each other, I was waiting for him to say something. Instead of speaking, he shook his head at me before he turned and left the room. Opening my mouth to call out to him, I second guessed it, my stomach dropping. He was disappointed in me. I had lived my life by making sure I never disappointed anyone. My job was to please people. Now I was hurting them. His silence spoke more than Mira's words. I had enough time to hate myself for it when the sheet moved again and Antonia came in. She came and sat on the edge of the bed, refusing to look at me.
"Antonia…" I said gently.
"Do you remember when we first met?" She asked softly. "The abuse we suffered?"
"Antonia." I repeated, this time with annoyance. She knew I remembered every moment of my time in that house.
"It didn't matter what he did to you. He couldn't break you. You were strong throughout it all and you gave strength to the rest of us. We wouldn't be here without you." She told me, finally looking at me with a deep set frown. "Now you are no better than he was."
With that she stood and left the room. Trying to hold my emotions in, I couldn't, my chin quivering so hard that my jaw started to throb. Silently crying, I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of hearing me. But they would know as soon as whoever entered next. Crixus was smart. He knew what he was doing. I hated to admit it, but it was working. Antonia…she knew what to say. She knew what affect her words would have on me. If there was one thing I didn't want it was to be like Paulus. The thought made me sick.
"Lea." Felix said as he pulled the sheet back.
"I don't want to be like him." I frowned at him.
He nodded, his jaw tight, "Then stop acting like him."
"Felix…" I replied shaking my head.
"You've been abusing your power within our ranks. You attack without care as to the pain you cause. You killed a man without provocation." He told me, his voice rising. "You are acting just like the man who gave me my scars!"
"Apologies." I told him. "Felix, apologies."
"No." He said shaking his head. "Your apologies mean nothing. We need the Lea we know back. The monster you've become is unrecognizable. Whoever this person is…she is hated. She is unkind. She will be killed."
Nodding at him, my voice was clear when I spoke, "I know."
He frowned before his expression softened, realization moving across his face. "You know. That's what you want, isn't it?" I didn't respond to him. "Why?" He frowned.
Remaining silent, he turned and left, though I could hear his quick steps as he moved away from the room. It was only a matter of time before I would be joined by my family. Felix would run straight to them and then I would have to face what I had been running from since the moment it happened. He was right. Ever since I'd lost my child, I had had an overwhelming need to join him. It was irrational. I knew that. Varro would be hurt by it and yet I couldn't overcome the feeling of no longer wanting to be alive.
"Lea." Naevia said as she entered.
Nodding at her, I forced a smile. Swiftly moving to me, she undid my bindings. "What are you doing?" She didn't say anything, but the look on her face was telling. "He's quick. He's already told you." I stated as I rubbed my wrists.
"Why?" She frowned as she sat next to me.
"I wanted my child so badly." I told her, closing my eyes, tears running down my cheeks. "I wanted him so badly and when I lost him everything came crashing down. Nothing mattered. Nothing other than Varro."
"That's why you remained yourself with him." She stated. "And became cruel to the rest of us."
I nodded at her. "I never said it out loud. I hardly ever thought it. But as soon as Felix said it, I realized that that was exactly what I was feeling. Everyone has been asking me what I need. I didn't know then. But I do now."
"Death is not the answer." She said shaking her head.
"I know." I nodded. We were silent for several minutes before I finally broke the silence. "Is everyone else coming?" I asked.
"No." She told me. "Remain here. I unbound you but remain. Think about the discovery you have just made."
Nodding at her, she stood, placing a kiss against my forehead, before she left the room. Sitting there, I did what she said. I thought of death and of how much I wanted it. Thinking back on my life, the steps I had taken that led me to here, I couldn't help but smile. Despite the tragedy I had experienced, I had lived an amazing life. Having been born in servitude and to have survived being whipped, sold, beaten within an inch of my life, and even a near execution, I was still here. I was still alive and held the love of a man I didn't deserve. As well as the love of others that I never thought possible. The more I thought about wanting to die the more I realized that I didn't. What happened was one of the worst things that would ever happen to me. But Varro had been right when he said that we still had each other. Every time he told me, I told him he was right. But I never felt it. He didn't feel what I was feeling. I wanted to be reunited with our son and all he wanted was me in his arms. The moments when he held me – or I him – were the happiest moments since the death of our child. He was my world. I would do anything for him. All he needed was me and I thought he was all that I needed. But then I got to feel our child inside of me. Even if he wasn't alive long enough for me to feel him move, he was still my child and I knew that he was there. And now he was gone. He was just…gone. Suddenly, a wave of grief flooded me. Only this time it felt different. Falling to the side, collapsing into myself, I sobbed. Wrapping my arms over my head, I sobbed for the life I had lost. Sobbed until sleep took me to ease my pain.
Waking slowly, I felt a thumb moving back and forth across my cheek. Slowly opening my puffy and sore eyes, the blue of Varro's were the first thing I saw. He smirked at me, leaning forward and kissing me sweetly. Putting my hand on his face, I attempted a smile but before I could accomplish it, I broke down again. A new wave of sobs broke from my lungs and I attempted to melt into him. He wrapped me in his strong arms, whispering in my ear though it didn't take long for his cries to mix with mine. For the first time since we had lost our child we cried together. He had stayed so strong for me and I had fallen apart. I had lost myself in my grief and had taken little interest in his. It filled me with guilt that only fed the feelings moving through me. Sobbing longer than before, when the sobs finally ceased, I had my face buried in Varro's chest, my arms weakly wrapped around him. He still held me tightly in his arms, unwavering in his strength. Taking a deep shuddering breath, hot tears once again ran from my tears. Hugging him tighter before relaxing, I felt myself drifting back to sleep before his voice stopped me.
"I cannot begin to understand what you're going through." He told me gently. "He was inside of you and I was simply the one who put him there. Apologies for the pain I have caused."
Unable to help myself, I burst with laughter. Hugging him tighter, I lifted my head to look at him, a broad smile on my face as I continued to laugh. He frowned down at me. "You aren't alone in the placement of our child." I stated with a grin still on my face. "We have equal part in how we conceived him."
"I know that." He frowned. "I do have a son."
"Yes, you do." I nodded. "And I'm sure you were there every step of Aurelia's pregnancy and birth of Janus."
His expression smoothed and he smiled down at me. "That's the first time that you've said her name."
"Didn't think I knew it, did you?" I smirked at him. He shook his head, but there was fondness in his eyes. "She's passed from this world. She cannot hurt me anymore." I told him. "And I can only pray that she looks after the son her living husband has lost." He smiled fondly at me. "As I will look after you here, as well as the living son for she no longer can."
"Have you come back to me?" He asked.
"I'm not sure yet." I told him, smiling as I put my hand against his chest. "But I believe so."
His smile fell and he frowned at me, "How could you think that death was the answer?"
"I've never lost a child before." I frowned back. "I didn't know what it would do to me."
He nodded as he pulled me against his chest, "I just wish you would've told me."
"I didn't know." I replied taking his head in my hands. "But you are the reason I live and breathe. You are everything and I am so madly in love with you. I apologize for my behavior. I think I may be able to move on now."
"As long as you're with me."
"Always."
Giving Crixus and Naevia their room back, we returned to our own, lying in bed, wrapped in each other's arms. When Varro was asleep, I once again left our bed to roam the grounds. It was becoming far too much of a habit. I needed rest. I knew I did but sleep just wouldn't stay with me. There was one person that I hadn't broken words with since this morning and I felt the need to make the amends that he was owed. Slipping through the sheet of the room where I had spent my day, I sat on the edge of the bed.
Crixus quickly stirred, unstartled by my presence. "Lea." He said softly as he put his hand on my thigh. "Has something happened?"
"Yes." I said as I moved to my knees, meeting his eyes in the dark. "You happened."
"I do not understand." He stated sleepily.
Putting my hand on his face, I smiled at him, "Gratitude."
He relaxed and put his hand over mine, "Are you feeling better?"
Leaning forward, I placed a kiss against his forehead, "Yes. Gratitude for everything you did for me today. As well as for anything you do in the future. I truly would be lost without you."
"You are sister to me. I would see your mind at peace." He replied.
"Because of you I am at peace."
"And yet you roam the grounds while you should be resting."
"I will rest now." I nodded at him. "I simply couldn't sleep without having words with you."
Propping himself up on his elbow, he pressed a kiss against my forehead. "Go. Rest." He told me before rolling over and wrapping his arm around Naevia. "Embrace Varro." He added.
Hearing the smirk in his voice, I gave a short laugh, putting my hand against his arm before leaving the room. Going back to my bed, I did just as Crixus commanded. Crawling back into it, I wrapped my arm around Varro, pressing my body flush against his back. He didn't wake, but took my hand in his, holding it against his chest. Smiling, I kissed the slightly raised flesh between his shoulder blades, then took a deep breath, falling asleep feeling free of all the pain and suffering. I once again embraced my love for the man lying next to me and the fire I had for the cause ahead of us.