About a week after the first movie night of the summer, Damon and I met up. It was 10:30PM and Damon and I were at Clemente park, the only place we could get privacy. Whenever phone calls and texting sweet nothings wasn't enough, we met up here, where we could finally physically touch. Clemente was a big park, with a play structure and a big, open grassy area. This is where our friends held their midnight heavy-drinking, passing-out vomit parties that Damon never really went to because of his curfew.
Damon's parents were really nice, dont get me wrong. But most of the time, they were overbearing. They had such high expectations for him. Grades came first with family and church as a very close second. If he had anything that wasn't an A, they'd have his head. He had to make time for studying, praying, and family nights, so he could never hang out for long. He was constantly studying because of his fear of failure. He was a perfectionist because he was raised to be. He had a tight curfew that wasn't open to compromise, he was required to go to church every time his parents did, he wasn't allowed to slack off in school or else he wasn't allowed to talk to anyone or go out at all. Damon was allowed to have girlfriends, but he never had one for obvious reasons. That was another thing that wasn't open to compromise. His family was the typical, all-American, religiously oppressive and homophobic family. Not to say that all religious people are homophobic. Damon's parents would still be homophobic without their religion. That's just the way it is.
So we were constantly stuck in this position. In a dark, damp and smelly park, hidden in the back, sitting at a gazebo. It wasn't the way either of us would prefer it, but it was one of the only ways it would work. Clemente park is in the middle of both our houses. It's easier for him to sneak out to a park than to my house. This was how we were able to be close. Many nights were spent at Clemente park, our secrets in the air and our bodies pushed together in order to keep warm. Three long years. That's how long we've hid out here, late at night. Three years is a long time to hide something so huge.
We sat and talked for a while, about nothing. I played with his hands and hair, braiding it a bit and sticking dandelions in it. There were comfortable pauses in the conversation and I kissed him without holding back. I got home and quietly returned to my room at 12:00. I immediately went back into my normal, anxious, secretive and timid self.
The only time our secret has slipped out and been revealed to anyone unintentionally was when we went to Disneyland a little less than half a year ago. It was me, Damon, Jason, Luke, Dottie and our friend, Nate. Nate's a cool guy. He's smart, really great at art, and can be quite wordy at times. He's real skinny —practically bone— with an undercut that's light brown. He's tall when he's not in his wheelchair. He stands 6'4, but in his chair, he's just under 5". We all met at school. He was in Luke's grade, but due to medical problems, he stopped going to public school and graduated a year early.
Disneyland is exciting and fun, but going with Nate, I realised that I really took my health and able-body for granted. In situations where you're excited, you tend to move or walk fast/run to where you want to go. This isn't entirely possible for Nate. He has to push himself or be pushed, and you can only go so fast with his wheels. Spending a full day at the park isn't possible for him because part of his disability leaves him chronically and easily fatigued. We agreed that whenever he needed a break, a few of us would stay with him while he rested. Mid-day, when he said he began to feel drained, Damon and I stayed with him while he rested in order to give his body a break.
"Fatigue. Again. I'm sorry. One of the most strenuous parts of my disability is that I fatigue easily. My days of being out 8:00 to 12:00 without ever needing to take a break are long gone. You guys could have stayed with the rest. I'm fine alone." he told us, as we were sitting at a space between the Matterhorn line and the Finding Nemo submarines, an area with a great view of the water and the Monorail. We told him it was fine and that we were glad to stay with him. "This isn't something I had to deal with before. It's annoying and time consuming." Nate went on. "Yeah, but at least you get to skip to the beginning of lines and stuff." Damon said, which ticked Nate off and made him jump into a wordy fit where he explained to us what was problematic with what we were saying as able-bodied people. He pointed out that not every single ride was wheelchair accessible and even though he could stand up for a short amount of time, it's still not possible to get the full experience at the park like we could. Damon and Nate argued back and forth about being disabled and able-bodied and all the "benefits" from being disabled while I sat awkwardly in the middle of them, trying to get them to stop bickering.
"Ever since the dawn of life, people have faced change in the way they have to live and survive. We live in a time where change is constant. Sliced bread began in 1928. My grandmother was born in 1919. My grandmother had to adjust to sliced bread. I had to adjust to not being able to do stuff I used to be able to do. While you see line-skipping as beneficial, it's really not a special thing." Nate said, and I was trying to understand his point in all of the details he spouted. "My inability to function my legs properly leaves me unable to ride the fucking Nemo ride and do the Sleeping Beauty walkthrough castle. We sacrifice. If it were up to me, I'd be able-bodied and wait two hours in every damn line. But I don't have a choice. Adapt or perish. You wouldn't know about that, Damon. You've never had a problem fitting in or being anything but totally average in your life." This sort of attitude was unlike Nate's usual easy-going personality, so it took me by shock. Damon, however, wasn't as astound as me.
Similar to how Damon's original ignorant comment about having a disability being beneficial made something tick in Nate's brain, the words that came out of Nate made Damon irritated. "I have literally adapted because if I was my true self, it would make me a misfit. Adapt or perish is my life. Every time my parents preach eternal damnation and unholiness to the so-called homosexual lifestyle choice, my self esteem and worth decline and my prayers are silenced. I have tried to convert and so has Patty but it doesn't work. So we adapted. Because if not, we would perish. Don't assume shit about me, asshole." Damon said, without thinking. I think all of our eyes got wide and Damon ran his fingers though his hair and muttered "Fuck" as everyone sat awkwardly for a moment.
We then had to tell him the whole story. We've been together for years, no one knew before today, we don't plan on coming out. I was the first person Damon came out to, and I developed an attraction to him, but never any other guys. Dottie was a cover to make my straightness even more convincing. She didn't know. She would be even more angry with me. The original debate was settled, They both apologised, and the whole thing was forgotten and forgiven. Nothing's felt the same since.
At 4:23AM I hear a familiar text tone that's different from the regular one. It's Jason's custom text tone and the loudest, most obnoxious one. I set his as that specific one so if he texts me while I'm asleep, I'll wake up and can text him back right away. He probably thinks I stay up this late, but I don't. I've just gotten so many cryptic and scary early morning/late night messages. I don't want to ever be too late. He has no idea his texts wake me up, and I don't plan on telling him.
I unlocked my phone and my eyes adjusted to the brightness as I read, "911." Thats what I told him to text me in emergencies. I call right away, hearing the line ring only once before Jason picked up. "There's so much blood. I don't know what to do. Please help." He answered right away, his voice adamant with fear. He had been crying. He was still crying.
"Okay, okay. Apply pressure, I'll be right there." I told him. With no time wasted, I snuck out as quietly and as fast as I could. Making my way to Jason's, a million thoughts I should have been thinking were lost. I had a one track mind, all I was focused on was getting to Jason. I felt no emotions other than my ambitious mindset. After entering Jason's room, everything moved fast and spilled out in a mess, and I couldn't help him cover up this time.