I think everybody is ready for a dose of angst after the last few fluffy chapters, and you're getting it today because Killian finally tells Emma about his hand. Enjoy, and thank you so much for reading.
Two days after Emma had let Killian drive her around the parking lot, she decides that she's ready for the road. Killian doesn't sound too enthusiastic about the idea, asking her if she wouldn't rather they circle the parking lot for a while longer.
"I'm fine in the parking lot", she tells him, exasperated with his reluctance. "I have to be fine with driving where we can go faster than ten miles per hour."
"You could give yourself a little more time-"
"I wasted a decade already. How much time do you think I need?" She asks him sharply and lifts her chin up, refusing to back down because she had barely convinced herself and she doesn't need Killian to make her question what she intends to do.
"Very well", he finally says and locks up his shop this time, leading her around the building and to his truck. "Are you absolutely sure-"
"Let's just get it over with", Emma cuts him off and fumbles for the door handle, getting in and putting on her seat belt by the time Killian had walked around the truck.
"Here we go, then", he says and starts the truck, the motor rumbling loudly in Emma's ears, the vibrations traveling through her body even before they start moving, slow at first and then faster and faster when they leave the parking lot behind. "Breathe, love."
Emma takes a big breath and grips the edge of her seat tightly, but she knows that she won't be able to stand this for much longer before her chest starts feeling too tight.
"Talk to me, Swan", Killian says and takes her hand in his, laying it against the gear shift so that she feels it when he shifts into third gear.
"I'm scared."
"I know, darling. We can stop whenever you want", he says and she squeezes her eyes tightly shut, hoping she'll be able to keep it together for at least a few more minutes.
"Not yet."
"Emma, please", he says and his voice is coming from too far away, blood rushing in her ears and cold sweat breaking out at the base of her spine because they are going to crash and she's going to lose much more than her sight.
The truck stops and cold air rushes in when Killian opens his door, and she desperately tries to release her seatbelt but it won't budge until Killian is at her side and bodily lifting her out of the car.
"It's alright, love, just breathe", he coaxes gently, his hands rubbing up and down her arms to warm her while she fights for every breath.
"I'm sorry", she whispers and even though she doesn't want to cry, she can't help the tears that escape her because she feels so weak and so foolish, so embarrassed that she couldn't tame her fear.
"Nothing to be sorry for, Emma. It was too soon", he tells her and brushes her tears away, then pulls her close and cradles her head against his shoulder. "You were very brave, and next time won't be so scary."
"I never want to do this again."
"Swan-"
"No. It's too much. I have to accept my limitations and just take the train."
"There's nothing you can't do if you're stubborn enough", Killian tells her and even though it sounds like he's speaking from experience, she feels slightly annoyed because he can't possibly understand what she's going through.
"I'm plenty stubborn, but this is beyond my control."
"Everybody gets scared sometimes", he says and leans against his truck, his arms loosely wrapped around her and holding her pressed close to him.
"What do you have to be scared of?" She asks pointedly and he goes perfectly still for a moment, then takes a deep breath and lets his hands fall from her waist.
"Of your reaction when you realize how I've deceived you", he finally says and Emma frowns, her stomach tying itself into knots as she waits for him to explain. "You didn't notice at first, and then I started going out of my way to hide it, and I'm sorry-"
"Killian, you're scaring me. What did you hide?"
"I only have one hand", he says and she's tempted to laugh because it sounds ridiculous, because she knows he's got two, because they were both resting on her hips just a minute ago. "My left hand is a prosthetic."
Emma shakes her head, reaching for Killian's left arm and feeling him tremble when she follows it down to the leather glove that he often keeps on; she had thought it was to protect his hand from the thorns, but when she tugs it off she realizes that it was there to hide the truth from her.
The hand underneath the glove is cold and feels slightly like rubber, only firmer, the fingers pliable but clearly not able to move on their own.
"Is this some kind of a practical joke?" She asks, desperate for any kind of an explanation that would not make her lose faith in him. "Just show me your real hand and we'll forget that this had ever happened."
"I'm so sorry, Swan. I know I don't have a valid excuse for doing this to you, but I had hoped that you would accept me as I am once you got to know me better… I just wanted a fair chance at winning your affection", he says and she takes a step back from him, feeling sick to her stomach and so very betrayed.
"Do you think I'm so shallow that I would've run from you just because you're missing a hand? Me? A blind girl who has to battle prejudice every day? How could you do this to me?" She exclaims and pulls her cane from her coat pocket, unfolding it so forcefully it almost breaks.
"Emma, please, try to understand-"
"You exploited my blindness and I'm never going to forgive you for that", she yells at him and tears burn her eyes but she somehow manages to keep them from spilling down her cheeks.
"Love-"
"No. You don't get to call me that. You're a liar and a coward and we're done", she snaps and wishes to God she knew where they were so she wouldn't have to ask anything more from him. "Which way do I go to reach my apartment?"
Now that she knows the truth, everything starts to make more sense; how rarely he touched her with his fake hand, how he always walked on her left, which she had foolishly believed was for her benefit, and especially those odd little comments that she didn't understand before.
"We're in front of the bank", Killian tells her and turns her in the right direction, and as soon as he releases her arm she starts walking away, her head held high even though she feels like she's dying inside.
She had thought he was honorable and decent and she had let her walls down because he seemed trustworthy, but now it's obvious that she should've kept her distance and saved herself another heartbreak.
Even though she's listening intently, Emma doesn't hear Killian go back into his car and drive away, so she assumes he's watching her go, but she doesn't stop or turn around.
It's too late for that.
Killian finds Will in the third pub he checks; his friend is on his merry way to get sloshed and Killian sits on a bar stool next to him, ordering two rum shots and staring at his fake hand until Will notices he's there.
"What brings you out, mate?" Will asks and clinks his glass against Killian's, both of them downing the contents in one go and signaling the bartender for another.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Did you already muck up with Emma?" Will asks in a moment of rare inspiration and Killian glares at him across his shot glass. "So you did. What did you do?"
"Give it a rest, Scarlet."
"You can tell me now while you're still sober or you can wait to become hammered, but either way you're going to tell me. Might as well be while you're still coherent", Will says and sways a little on his stool; Killian figures he won't remember their conversation anyway when he wakes up with a hangover tomorrow, so he decides to tell him what happened.
"I didn't tell her about my hand."
"What about your hand?" Will frowns and squints at the prosthetic resting on the bar, undoubtedly trying to bring it into focus.
"That I don't have it", Killian hisses and Will looks slightly confused.
"She didn't notice?" He asks and Killian wonders if his friend is being dense on purpose or if it's just a side-effect of all the alcohol he'd inhaled tonight.
"She's blind, Will."
"Yeah, I know, but still. I thought you were together", Will says and Killian only just contains the urge to sock him in the jaw.
"We were taking it slow."
"Bloody Hell", Will mutters with feeling and downs another shot. "You hid it from her."
"And the worst part? If I met her again I would've done it all the same", Killian grumbles and squeezes his fake fingers with his real ones. "Emma was right. I'm a coward."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, mate. You're just slightly thick in the head."
"How many times did a woman practically throw herself at me and then abruptly backpedaled when she noticed this?" Killian asks and waves his prosthetic hand in the air, then slams it back down on the bar. "I was just trying to prevent that happening with Emma."
"I take it back. You're not thick, you're completely bonkers", Will says and frowns at his empty glass. "Emma is blind, mate."
"I'm well aware of that fact", Killian says, feeling like the worst kind of scum for deceiving her like he did.
"And yet you think that she would care that you're missing a hand? A blind girl who gets dismissed all the time even though she's beautiful and has much better memory than you and me combined?" Will asks him incredulously and Killian wishes he had kept his mouth shut.
"It's not as simple as you make it sound."
"What's not?"
"How was I supposed to bring it up? Have a flower, Emma, and by the way, that's my only hand?" Killian says and slides his finger in circles over the edge of his glass.
"Yeah, that's exactly how", Will says and gives the bartended a slightly cross-eyed look, asking him for another drink.
"You should go home before you fall over and land on your face."
"And you should go by Emma's place and apologize", Will says idly but neither of them moves.
Killian ends up driving Will home and then spends half the night driving in circles around Emma's building, debating on whether or not to go in and finally deciding to just leave her a bouquet of beautiful magenta-colored zinnias in front of the door.
She might step on it on her way to work, but he doubts she'd appreciate it if he rang her doorbell and informed her about the flowers he's leaving for her.
It's almost 4 a.m. when Killian finally arrives home, and he doesn't waste time on undressing, just collapses into bed and takes off his prosthetic hand as quickly as he is able, groaning when his stump is finally uncovered.
Killian is used to the dull ache that never really goes away, but in the past few weeks he'd been too busy working and spending time with Emma to take proper care of his injury, so it's not surprising that the pain intensifies now that it seems he'd lost Emma for good.
"I'm sorry, love", he mutters under his breath and tries to massage the pain away, wondering if maybe Will was right after all; maybe he wouldn't be alone now if he hadn't been a bloody coward and told Emma the truth soon after they met.
But then again, maybe it would've been worse, and he would have never gotten a chance to kiss and hold his beautiful Swan if he had been honest with her.
Killian closes his eyes and decides that he wouldn't trade a single touch he got to share with Emma, and if it was predestined that he would end up losing her, he's glad it was later rather than sooner.
And besides, he might still find a way to convince her to forgive him and give him another chance.
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