Angst alert! This chapter is probably the worst in this story, so brace yourself, and thank you for reading and all your kind words so far.
Killian drives Emma home after lunch, but she insists that he brings Daisy along instead of leaving her all alone in an empty house.
Although last night was amazing, Emma thinks she won't mind a little time to herself to process everything, especially Killian's third "as you wish", because now there is no doubt he had used it deliberately.
However, when Killian parks his truck, Emma finds that she isn't quite ready to let go of Daisy yet, so she invites Killian up for a cup of tea (and coffee for her), and he wraps his arm around her waist, subtly guiding her while she carries the puppy.
"Emma!" Somebody exclaims as soon as they come into the lobby of Emma's building and she frowns because while the voice does sound familiar, she doesn't knows whom it belongs to. "Em, it's me."
Emma freezes at the use of the ancient nickname and hugs Daisy closer to her chest, the puppy whining in protest.
"Who are you?" The voice from her past asks and there is no mistaking the demanding tone, Neal's footsteps sounding like thunder in her ears. "Who is he, Emma?"
"Hold on a second, mate", Killian says and angles his body slightly in front of Emma's, his hand leaving her waist to settle on her arm, and Emma is beyond grateful that he had not left her stranded in the dark.
"Are you seeing this clown?" Neal asks and Emma finally finds her voice, lifting her chin up and telling him that she's not seeing anything thanks to him. "You know that it was just an accident."
"It was you drunk driving", Emma tells him sharply and hopes she's facing Killian when she says that she's ready to go upstairs.
"This is Neal?" Killian asks and she shivers from the subtle note of fury in his voice.
"I just want to see my son. Or daughter", Neal says and Emma can practically feel Killian's eyes shifting to her face.
"I don't know what you're talking about", Emma says softly and holds the puppy in her arms tighter as she takes a half step toward the stairs, then hesitates because she's not quite sure how far are they and she doesn't want to trip with Neal watching.
"You can't stop me from seeing my child", Neal says and when a hand closes around her arm she knows without a shadow of a doubt that it doesn't belong to Killian.
"You need to take yourself off, mate", Killian says and a moment later Neal's hand is removed from Emma's person.
"At least tell me if it's a boy or a girl-"
"There is no child, Neal!" Emma yells in his general direction and puts Daisy down while she takes the cane from her pocket, but when she bends down again, the puppy is nowhere to be found. "Killian, take Daisy."
"You're lying. You were pregnant when we crashed", Neal says and Emma can hear his grunting as he struggles against Killian's hold.
A tear rolls down Emma's cheek as she makes her way to the stairs, and it's only when she reaches the rail that she turns back toward the lobby and lets loose everything that's been laying heavy on her heart for years.
"I was pregnant when we crashed and I was pregnant when I woke up all alone in the deepest dark imaginable. When I asked about you they told me that you had run off and left me behind because you were probably scared of the repercussions for causing the accident."
"I didn't cause-"
Emma ignores him and just talks over him as if he hadn't even spoken.
"When they told me I was pregnant all I felt was panic; I was eighteen, alone, in pain and on top of everything else, blind, so I agreed to have an abortion."
There's a lump in Emma's throat that no amount of swallowing can dislodge, and all she wants to do is curl up in her bed and cry until that old sorrow eases again.
"You got rid of our child without even talking to me?!"
"You left me without a word of explanation!"
"You didn't even try to call me!" Neal shoots back and she is so angry she could strangle him.
"My phone was in pieces and I couldn't remember your number because I was concussed!" Emma screams and a sob tears from her throat because he is making everything her fault and it is not the first time.
"I've had enough", Killian announces to nobody in particular and Emma listens to more sounds of struggle and Neal's curses before the door slams closed and the lobby is eerily quiet again.
"Daisy?" Emma whispers and feels an unbearable wave of sadness when the puppy yips and comes to nudge Emma's foot with her paw as if she already realizes that Emma won't notice her otherwise. "Come here."
Daisy licks Emma's hand and Emma picks her up, carrying her up the stairs as tears keep rolling down her cheeks, thoughts of her baby swirling in her head, sobs escaping her despite her best efforts to keep quiet.
"Shhh", Emma shushes Daisy when the puppy whimpers and somehow manages to unlock the door without having to put her down, then curls on the couch still wearing her coat and presses her face against Daisy's warm fur, letting out all the anguish she'd been running from just to have it catch up to her again when she least expected it.
Killian marches Neal to the end of the block and makes sure he's gone for good before popping off to his store to grab a flower for Emma and give her a little more time to come to terms with her ex coming back.
And to give himself time to adjust to everything he had just learned.
It's a surprise that he hadn't strangled Neal when he still had a hold on him, but he doesn't want to cause Emma any more grief today.
Killian manages to stay in his shop for precisely fifteen minutes before he backtracks to Emma's building and makes his way up to her apartment, and then he rings the door-bell and doesn't stop ringing it until Emma comes to the door.
"Killian?" Emma says his name on a sniffle and Killian rests his forehead against the door, wanting nothing more than to just take her in his arms.
But for that, first he needs to convince her to open the door.
"Is Daisy with you, lass?" He asks softly and the puppy yips as if wanting to reassure him that she's okay.
"Can you leave her with me tonight?" Emma asks in a broken voice that breaks his heart and makes him realize that he's going to do everything in his power to help her through this.
"You can have her forever if you want, love. Would you please open the door?"
"I want to be alone", Emma says and he closes his eyes, the decides that for the first time since they've met, he's not going to let her hide behind her walls and come out in her own time.
"I don't believe you do, Swan", he tells her and for a long minute there's absolute silence behind her door that makes him worry she had gone back to the living room.
"I don't want to talk about Neal. Or the baby", Emma says, her voice getting softer until he can barely hear her through the wood.
"We don't have to talk at all, love. Just open the door", he coaxes and waits patiently because she's not leaving him much choice, but also because he fears that a wrong word will make a chasm open between them that he won't be able to bridge.
"Promise", she says and he sighs, but he promises because he knows that what she needs most of all is just to be held, and he's more than willing to be the one offering her as much comfort as he is able.
The door opens slowly and reveals Emma huddling in her coat, her eyes red and puffy and Daisy cradled in her arms.
She looks young and vulnerable and it's not hard for Killian to imagine her as she was ten years ago, heartbroken and betrayed and left behind, so he doesn't waste time on words, just steps over the threshold and embraces her gently not to squish the puppy, closing the door with his foot.
The noise makes her start and he shushes her, cradling her head against his shoulder and rocking them all from side to side as she sniffles, bunching his jacket in her free hand.
"I brought you something", he says a while later and takes the slightly wrinkled carnation from his pocket, Emma's fragile smile as she caresses the petals making him bite his lip not to tell her that he loves her.
"Come see my Christmas tree", Emma murmurs and wipes her face dry with the back of her hand before putting Daisy down and hanging her coat in the hallway closet, waiting for Killian to do the same before she takes his hand and leads him into the living room.
So much has happened in the last day that for a moment Killian had forgotten that it was Christmas, but Emma's small, painstakingly decorated tree reminds him well enough.
"Yours is definitely more beautiful", he tells her and she gives him a speculative look before deciding to believe him and take the compliment.
They sit on the couch and Emma puts the carnation in the vase on the coffee table where its bright red color clashes with the pink roses, and yet somehow still looks good among them.
Killian puts his arm around Emma's waist and shifts her on his lap, wrapping her in his arms and resting his chin on the top of her head as he stares at the red Christmas balls on her tree without really seeing them.
"You won't ask me about… anything?"
"I promised I wouldn't."
"He thinks it was easy for me", Emma murmurs and slides her fingers up his left forearm and down his right, tracing each knuckle on his hand before reversing back. "As if I just decided to get rid of it on a whim."
"You shouldn't care about what he thinks, love", Killian says and she pauses in her caress, her fingers wrapping around his wrist before she asks him what he thinks. "I won't ever presume to know what you were going through, but I know a little something about pain and the way it feels to wake up in the hospital all alone with a part of you missing… it's no wonder you made the decision you did."
"I wasn't strong enough to deal with a baby on top of everything else", Emma tells him and he feels a tear slide down his neck, then another before she turns her face away. "I would've been a terrible mother."
"You were injured and alone", he says even though he knows that applying logic to what had happened won't help; although he can't imagine the pain Emma must've gone through and is still going through, he can see their unborn children every time he looks into Emma's eyes and the very thought of never having them makes him feel like there's a vice squeezing his heart.
"I regret my decision almost every day", Emma chokes out and covers her mouth with her hand, taking big heaving breaths and generally looking like she's going to completely fall apart if he doesn't do something quickly.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason", he tells her and slowly sifts his fingers through her hair, wishing he could take all her pain and make it disappear even though he knows that no such thing is possible.
"Even the awful things?"
"Especially the awful things."
"You're unbearably optimistic", Emma says and he smiles to himself because he's really not.
"Believing that everything happens for a reason was the only thing that kept me from going completely round the bend when I lost my brother", Killian murmurs and Emma's hand lifts to cup his cheek, her thumb smoothing over the scar as his eyes roam over the fine lines of her face.
"Even if I had found the strength to keep the baby, I never would have seen them", Emma says wistfully and Killian doesn't know what to say to that, so he just kisses her forehead and her cheeks and finally her mouth, giving her a way to forget that she gladly takes.
Sometimes there is no way around pain, but there is always something that can dull it and help you breathe around it.
Killian is beyond relieved that Emma is letting him be that thing for her.
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