A/N: thank you for your kind reviews, I do hope I keep this story through your standards and help to understand Matthew and Mary's relationship. I do hope to see more Matthew and Mary fans out there.
Thank you!
Disclaimer: Downton abbey belongs to julienne fellows and Masterpiece, PBS and Itv.
Mary Crawley died a thousand deaths.
She died when she first let Matthew go in 1914, she died when she learned he had gone missing during war, she died when she saw him injured, she died when he announced to marry Ms. Swire, she died when he rejected her help and called it an end on Ms. Swire's funeral, she died how he had said they were cursed.
Maybe he was right they were cursed.
It's been three weeks and he has not come home.
Three weeks is a long time for a wife to wait for her husband to come home.
But she will wait forever
She heard her son cry in the nursery, she doesn't even make an attempt to see him, he has been not named yet, neither been christened her father was rather adamant to attempt the ceremony but Mary simply refused.
She can't do this without Matthew.
She felt like drowning, she has never been drowned before but ever since Matthew's missing again she felt she is drowning, never coming up for air.
Angry, frustrated tears appear in her dark eyes.
What in God's name she has done to be acclaimed to this fate? She knew she was simply horrid before, she did an unlawful deed while being unmarried, and he died later.
Is this what she is a killer?
First Patrick died, true she wasn't too fond of him but she somehow blamed herself for his drowning, then Mr. Pemuk and now…
'No don't even go there, he is not dead, they haven't found his body, he can't be dead, he is just missing that's all '
Fear rose into her when she experienced those feelings again.
She remembered how she felt when Matthew was missing during war, she just couldn't hold herself together, hard breathes came upon, and her world shattered.
But then again he came to her.
He had just been a little lost.
They all have been little lost.
But this time it feels like he's taking very long to come back.
Others presume he might be dead but she, his wife, his Mary wouldn't let this happen.
She simply refused to acknowledge this fact.
'Where are you? When will you come home? Come back, come back to me'
She neither ate nor slept; all she did was cry and wait.
She didn't even attended dinners with her family , she refused to talk , she was horrible to everyone , she didn't even looked at her baby .
Bitter and angry thoughts consumed her.
The baby, Matthew was eager to have babies, she wasn't excited about children but Matthew wanted children so badly.
Maybe they could have waited for a bit.
She wasn't a wonderful mother, she was a horrible one.
Matthew will be upset to know that.
'Where are you? When will you come? Please come back, come back to me'
She blamed her child, her father, granny even Anna and Mr. Carson for this.
Why can't they tell her where he is?
She has to know, she has to find him.
Her son looked so much like Matthew it pained her to look at him.
'I am a horrible mother, I am not fit to be a mother, I don't deserve him, Matthew does, where is he?'
Her father have send search parties from Yorkshire to London , reported the police , called for investigation left no stone unturned into finding him .
She herself had gone out looking for him just days after her son's birth.
Instead of resting and glowing of mother hood she was moving from place to another, all of the places he could be, she even went to Manchester all by herself to find from his old neighbors if they heard of him.
She made several announcements in the news papers of his missing, offering huge reward to those who find him.
Everything was fruitless, she kept notes and records anything she could find to help her find him.
Later much later the police found his car in outskirts of a small town.
She rushed at the police office, the state of the car looked rundown, it was broken, crushed, and glasses were broken with several dents and bumps.
Was the car's owner suffered like this?
Was he hurt lying in ditch somewhere?
Did someone help him? Or is he buried there?
Just the mere thought of that send her to hysterics, she couldn't take it anymore, it was so wrong, and she couldn't understand Matthew was a sweet and gentle guy who will hurt him?
Unless someone took out their anger for her onto Matthew?
Someone did this to spite her, hurt her in the most indirect way.
Hurt those she loved.
Matthew suffered because of her.
It was all her fault, had she not been so proud and horrible, Matthew could have been saved.
Why did he even marry her? She doesn't deserve him, she was so horrible to him, she made the so many snarky and bitter remarks when he first came, she made his life a complete hell in downton.
For the life of her she couldn't even understand why did he love her?
In spite of all her flaws and mistakes, he loved her so much, yet she never deserved him.
She could die a thousand deaths and never deserve him.
She never asked him why he loved her. She thought she knew, he just did.
Now how much she wished she had known, there were times when he claimed how much he loved her she would just smile and kiss him and tell she knows, truth is she couldn't even say how much she loved him, she just couldn't express it, topics like love were so foreign to her yet she was showered with his love everyday.
There was a knock in her door and she ignored it, it was Anna, ever since Matthew's missing she hasn't let anyone not even her mother enter their room.
She hasn't changed a single thing.
She left everything as it is, his clothes, the way his shoes were laying casually near the bed; the sheets still the same before they left for the north.
She did found Mr. Bates clearing up their room on the orders of her father, she threw such a fit that her father had to take back his orders and leave everything as it is.
" I DON'T CARE IF HE IS GONE OR THE EARTH SALLOWED HIM I WANT HIS THINGS BACK , ALL OF IT " she yelled at her father that one time.
"He isn't coming back, we found his car, and he could be dead as well "Edith intervened.
Mary turned into this wild beast, to hear her husband being dead, even from Edith was torture, she rose up and tried to strangle her little neck had she not been backed by Carson at that time.
She gave a wail and tried harder to let go off Carson's hard grip.
"HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT MY HUSBAND IS DEAD! HE IS YOUR COUSIN AND BROTHER IN LAW GOD DAMN IT , HOW DARE YOU , HE IS NOT DEAD , HE IS ALIVE , HE'S HURT I AM SURE , HE IS ALIVE , HE WANTS US TO FIND HIM , WHY DID GOD CREATED SUCH AN UGLY CREATURE LIKE YOU ! "
"Edith please go out of the room you are only upsetting Mary "her mother gently held her eldest daughter as she cried hysterically.
Edith left leaving Mary shattered.
The dining room was pin drop silent expect of Mary's sobbing.
" papa , please find him , I know he is there , he is alive , he is not dead , please , please , please , I promise I will be good ,I promise I will be lot like Sybil if you want me , but please find him , I , I , c…cant lose my husband " she sobbed hysterically and slumped to the floor .
Lord Grantham's heart broke to see his daughter like this.
"My beautiful daughter do you think that only you lost him? He is my son just as much you are my daughter; don't you think I am doing everything I can to find him? Isobel is also in this deprived state, there is no one to comfort her, I promise to you both that I will bring him back, I will bring my boy back, no matter what it takes "her father softly spoke as he caressed her hair.
After a long time sleep took her over, she doesn't remember who placed her in her room but she was there all filled with Matthew's things, she clutched his pillow and sobbed quietly into the morning.
And true to his word Lord Grantham left no stone unturned , the search was getting frustrated and fruitless , they hired London's most brilliant detectives to find him even they have had end of it .
It was a game of cat and mouse.
Tom Branson told her that his world have been destroyed ever since Sybil's death.
And now it doubled when he lost his best friend.
He too had gone with her to find him, left no hospitals and morgues untouched just to see his best friend.
Because no news is worse news.
Is he dead? Is he alive?
People tell her to move on but how can she when life stood this limbo, she had lost all hope, she must have died, and she should die.
Granny once told her to make a choice between life and death.
She didn't answer at that time because she was so confused and tired at that time.
But now she had an answer.
Death, I choose death.
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