Author's note: Sorry I'm a day late, I've just been having a bit of a rough time. I appreciate all of your continued love and support. You guys are honestly great, and give me hope that things will turn out okay. XOXOX
I'm home. Can I call you later? Or now?
L could not peel the smile off of his face. He was so, so happy that the man wanted to talk to L so soon after he'd left.
And then he'd stopped smiling.
What if Light was calling to tell him that he had, despite appearances, been unsatisfied with him in person- be it because of the quality of conversation, sex, or his looks- and no longer was interested in seeing him?
The ugly stain of cynical pessimism had sat on his soul for almost as long as he could remember. The world had not been kind to L- people had not been kind to L- so he tried to be smart, always cautious, always on his guard.
If he didn't feel, things were infinitely easier to compartmentalize.
But he'd felt with Light- he felt for Light.
And now L was going to have to face the consequences. He knew it, and his face crumpled. He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't put that sort of pressure on Light.
L refused to be an irritation, even if he was going to be- dumped? Dropped? He didn't really know what to call it, as Light was not his "boyfriend". They had agreed to be exclusive, yes, but "boyfriend" was just not the right term for what Light was- or, depending on what Light had to say, probably had to say, had been- to L.
Besides, he could cry once he'd hung up.
No one was home to hear him.
He texted back a quick "okay, sure" and waited, muscles tense, waiting for the blow to come.
Waiting for the best thing that had ever happened to him to come to an end.
Waiting for the only good thing happening to him to suddenly stop.
Waiting for the only person he'd ever truly loved to leave him.
Even had Light not decided to end things with L, L would have never told him he loved him. To tell Light that he had those feelings for him would be the moral equivalent of shackling him to L with a heavy, soul-crushing chain. He would never, ever do anything that would make Light unhappy.
The phone, sitting beside him on his rumpled quilt, began to vibrate, moving slightly away from him with every pulse.
Once.
Twice.
Three times it rang.
L picked it up as if it were a bomb, and paused before answering to thank whatever god was listening for having given him something as beautiful and satisfying as what he'd had, even if it had only been for a short time.
He hit the little answer button with a raggedly chewed thumb, and held the phone to his ear.
"Hello?"
L closed his eyes. He didn't know how he was going to be able to get on without Light, now that he'd had him.
If only he hadn't gone looking for something more, he wouldn't be facing crippling loss and disappointment now.
L thanked god again that he had.
"Hey, Light. How was your flight?"
L's voice was smooth enough to cover every trace of the furious self-loathing and sadness he was feeling.
He knew he should have tried harder, he should have been more-
"L."
Light's voice cut through the nastiness in his head as if it were nothing but mist.
"Yes, Light?"
In place of the rolling fear and pain that Light had silenced just a moment ago, a curious sort of numbness had descended.
The blow was coming, L knew it. He took a breath and decided that he needed to be at peace with it. It would be better for Light that way; if he were to cry while they were still on the phone he'd feel obligated to take it back and comfort him.
L would not be an obligation, so he bit his lip until it bled, the pain distracting him from the stinging in his eyes.
"L, I know this is very sudden. I do. This is certainly not what I expected. I've enjoyed our time together- in person and through text- more than I can express."
L closed his eyes.
"I love you."
L's eyes shot open of their own volition, still full of tears, but also full of shock, surprise, and- and-
Joy.
That was joy. Every muscle in his body trembled with the sort of energy that can only come from an affirmation of worth so strong as a declaration like that.
"I love you, L. I fucking love you."
Light's voice was shaky, even over the phone.
"Talk to me, L. I need some sort of reply."
L laughed softly. How do you reply to the one thing you wanted to hear most, dreamt about hearing, over and over, but never actually expected to happen in reality?
With the uncensored truth.
"I- I felt the same way. I just- I couldn't say it first. I was afraid that you would feel obligated to stay because of how I felt, and I couldn't. I couldn't put that on you."
There was a deep, solid block of silence.
When Light spoke, he spoke intently, with profound feeling.
"L. I want to know what you're feeling. Chances are, we're feeling the same thing. I want to know you completely. I want to know every in and out of your thought processes and feelings better than you do. I want to take care of you."
L could not reply, so he simply made a noise in his throat, sliding down to lay on his crumpled blanket.
"Do you love me?"
L's eyebrows drew together, and he gave a pained "yes". He loved Light so much it hurt.
"Then I am going to need you to trust me. You can trust me. I want to make you feel okay. I want you to feel okay with me."
Another small noise from L, this one a hiccup. Tears were streaming helplessly down L's face.
"I get the feeling that talking about this is difficult for you right now. How about we talk about your SAT instead, okay?"
L nodded and then realized Light could not hear him nod.
"Yeah. Okay, we can do that."
L could hear Light's smile through the phone.
"I need your username and password, mmkay? Give me that, and I'll do the rest. Do you need to take any subject tests this time around?"
L gave him the username and password, but as for the other- he knew how much those cost.
"No, not this time- maybe, uh, later."
Light was not going to let him evade.
"When you take them later, which ones will you want to take?"
L sighed and smiled.
Light said he'd wanted to help.
Maybe it would be okay just to let him help a little bit.
"Humanities, and I think Government."
L could hear the soft scratching of a pen on paper. L pictured Light, bent over the pad of paper at his desk, scribbling notes intently. Notes about him. It made him smile a small smile.
"Done. I'm going to get this handled tonight or tomorrow morning."
"Okay, you don't have to rush or anything. Please don't. I don't want to stress you out."
"L, the only thing about you that could even possibly stress me out is you not having the things that you need."
L was having trouble processing all of the feelings roaring in his body, battering him like violent waves.
He heard a car in the driveway.
"Light, I've got to go, okay? I hear a car."
"Okay. Text me as soon as you can.
There was a pause.
L broke it.
"Light?"
"Yes, L?"
"I love you too. More than I can possibly express with my words. I'll text you as soon as I can."
L could hear Light's smile in his soft goodbye, and hung up.
There were only a few more moments of silence before he heard the door slam open downstairs, and the loud steps and voices of the two people he lived with- mom and sister- filled the house, and his ears, rather unpleasantly.
He waited for the shout that would call him downstairs, and when it came, he went.
He tried to prepare himself, but failed.
This would be the worst part of his day.