Ch. 2 Regrets

I wake up to a ton of bricks grinding into my skull. Damn, how much did I drink? How much more bright can this room get? Oh shit, I'm in different clothing. Dawnie, you fucked up. I feel sick all over again. Maybe if I die from a hangover Buffy won't kill me. I'm way too afraid to go downstairs. One false move could send Buffy through my door at any given moment. I must remain quiet until she forgets I exist.

A sudden knock comes from my door, "Dawn, you awake?"

I suddenly remember that I'm supposed to be asleep Appearantly, Buffy takes that as a sign to enter my room.

"I suppose you already know what's coming next." Buffy has her bitchy stance game on point.

In typical teenage fashion I respond,"Grounded for life?"

"2 months." Hearing those two words sparked instant back lash.

"No way." I give the same bitchy stance back.

Buffy then takes that as sign to sit at the edge of my bed. "Maybe you shouldn't sneak out and drink."

I look down at my hands, "I'm sorry."

"Dawnie," Buffy reaches out for my arm, "I know you are. If you mean it then you will quit sneaking out and doing illegal things, deal?"

Ew. Yeah, right. Gee, only if I get to go to bible camp afterwards! "Okay."

Buffy gives me one of those meaningful looks before getting up and walking towards the door, "By the way, there's gonna be some new rules around this place. Bed time you ask? 10 o'clock sharp. After school you will come straight home and do your homework. No watching T.V. until then. I work overtime tomorrow so I won't be home till 11. Willow kindly agreed to stay home and watch you."

I grunt in frustration. Just before Buffy closes the door she peeks back in and says, "Also, I'm bringing back the chore chart."

Nothing says new day like the death of all others to come for two months. I eventually get up and head to the kitchen for late cereal. As I'm going towards the cabinet I notice Willow reading the newspaper. Damnit, I hope things aren't too awkward. I get out my bowl and cheerios before she finally says something, "How ya feeling?"

How does it look like i'm feeling? It's 1 o'clock and I'm just now eating breakfast (that is if I don't throw it back up), "Fine, I guess."

"Buff laid down the law, huh?" Willow actually looked sympathetic.

"Yeah, kinda." I give her a little smile.

"Well," Willow gets up from her chair, "hopefully ya learned an important lesson, Dawnie."

Yeah, to sneak back up through my window next time. "Uh-huh." I look down and try to give my best 'I'm an angsty teen who doesn't care about what you're saying' look. Willow obviously doesn't care either way because by the time I look back up she is already gone. I used to think Willow was pretty cool until we got into that car accident. Ever since then she has been like Buffy. They think they're keeping me safe, but in reality they just end up keeping their distance from me. Buffy and Willow must have to pretend to care about me at this point. Buffy is never home. Never. The last month or so I was going and entering as I pleased. She had to have known this was already going on. But the one time they accidentally catch me they have to act like they care about my well being. Gimme a break. I've had it with all this. The next thing I know I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I panic and run upstairs to my room. I was darting up the stairs before I realized both Buffy and Willow were in the living room. I heard them distantly say something to me before I slammed my door. I didn't care that they saw me and they probably didn't really care either. I'm blubbering like a baby. I'm crying so hard that I can't see but I feel plenty of snot trickling down my nose. I throw myself onto my bed and bury my face in my pillow. I let out a muffled scream. I can't just lie here and cry, it only makes me more frustrated. I spring out of bed and pace back and forth across my room. I get the overwhelmng urge to wreck my room like I did when I found out I was the key, but I decide against it in a moment's time. I know I will be the one cleaning up the mess with no sympathy from anyone (only my mom was, really). Oh God how I miss my mom. She's gone. I wish I was gone. I can't think and the next thing I know I'm grabbing the scissors from off my desk.

I trace the scissors back and forth on my wrist. C'mon brain, think! Where is my common sense now? Owwww. The scissors pierce through my soft flesh. I cry even harder. This feels relieving. I trace the scissors back and forth before I see blood pour from my new cut. This is what they made me do. It's come down to this. But it's a different kind of pain. It's physical. It brings me flashbacks from when I was 14. I had snuck out to break into the magic shop, only to find out I was the key. When I went home I panicked (much like I am now) and grabbed the kitchen knife. I had practically stabbed myself before running out into the living room like a maniac. But that was different. I just wanted to see if I was real. Right now, I know I'm real. This cutting shit feels pretty real. I like it. It released my anger for a moment. I threw the scissors down before taking deep breaths. My tears finally cease when I hear Buffy finally trot up the stairs. I grab an old shirt and quickly tie it around the cut. I throw on a baggy sweater and jump into my bed and under the covers.

"Dawn?" Buffy slowly opens the door. I can tell she knows how hard I've been crying (she had to hear my baby blubbering from downstairs). She gives me that warm Buffy smile before sitting on my bed. She starts running her fingers through my hair and it makes me start to cry again. Her soothing coos make me close my eyes and let the tears flow down my face without a care. She brings my head to her chest and wraps her arms around me. Great, back to sobbing uncontrollably now. Buffy keeps her patience and slowly rocks me back and forth. Even as I start to calm down; I can still hear Buffy's soothing voice reasurring me.

"Shhhhhh," Buffy softly whispers, "Dawnie, everything's gonna be alright."

After a few minutes Buffy finally lets me out of her release. I then close my eyes as she begins to wipe the tears from my cheek. I see her reach over for my tissues before placing it over my nose. "Now blow." As I do so I hear my clogged up nose being slowly drained.

Buffy goes back to stroking my hair, "Is this because I grounded you?"

I look down at my fidgeting hands. I want to tell her how I really feel. I want Buffy to know that I feel so alone right now. I miss mom. I miss my sister. "I guess so." I chose none of the above.

"Well," Buffy looks indecisive, "maybe I was too harsh."

Maybe the warden will lighten my sentence!

"1 month," Buffy looks around the room, "and you're allowed to see your friends on the weekends."

It's funny how fast someone's outer mood can change, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I wrap my arms around Buffy.

"Not so fast cowboy," DAMNIT, "curfew is 10 p.m." DAMNIT.

"Fine." I try to roll my eyes in a discreet manner.

"Hey," Buffy waits until I look at her, "everyone deserves a good cry now and then, huh?" She playfully nudges my arm.

"Yeah, hush." I give back a damn believable fake smile.

Buffy shoots me a smile back before kissing my forehead. Buffy gets up and heads towards the door before saying, "I'm thinking takeout tonight. Sound good to you?"

"Yeah."

"Love you."

"Yeah. Love you too."

I immediately get up and close the door. I lift up my sweater and remove the blood-stained shirt. Wow. Cuts always used to seem so minor. It's a lot different when you put them there purposely. I gotta get a bandaid on this motherfucker. I don't feel 'emo', but the act I committed was stereotyped accordingly. I guess now I just have to accept that this was a thing that happened. I also need to make sure that nobody finds out. I peek out my door and see if the coast is clear before booking it to the bathroom. I apply first-aid cream and a bandaid to the cut. Now no one can see what I've done (but they sure as shit can see that I tried to cover something up). I'll just say I got this the other day from falling. On a large stick. Which hit only my wrist. I'm not good at bullshitting so I'l just stick to long sleeves.