Ch. 5 Fake it till you make it
Eating icecream was boring and I'm in no mood to shop.
"Buff," I look over, "can we just window shop?"
"Sure, Dawnie. How bout we stroll past Ralph Lauren? I know we can't afford it, but we're only window shopping, right?"
"Yeah, sure." I'm not interested in any of this junk right now. Once we get to Ralph Lauren we decide we might as well just go in. While I'm browsing I hear a familiar voice call out.
"Hey Dawn!" I look and see Tessa walking over to me.
"Hi," I smile and tuck my hairs behind my ears.
"I didn't know you shopped here." Tessa has an ear-to-ear grin on her face.
"No, we don't, just looking at stuff." Tessa and I exchange stares until we are interrupted by Buffy.
"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?"
"Tessa, this is Buffy. Buffy, meet Tessa."
"Hey Buffy, nice to meet you. You're Dawn's sister, right?" Buffy and Tessa shake hands.
"The pleasure is mine, and yep, I'm Dawnie's no-fun sister you've heard all about."
"Well, somebody has got to keep this kid in line!" Tessa looks over to me and we all laugh. She is pretty funny.
"So," Tessa continues the conversation, "wanna hang out with me for a little while?"
I look over to Buffy and her eyes scream NO. "Sorry, wish I could, but I'm kinda grounded."
"Kinda grounded for a month," Buffy interrupts.
Tessa can see the tension and decides to say goodbye, "I will for sure see you at school, then. Take care guys." Tessa then walks back over to her other friends and I can see her whispering and looking back at me. Well, in her defense, I haven't stopped looking at her.
"Ready to go home, then?" WOOP, WOOP. NIGHT OF FUN!
"Yes, yes I am." I turn around and leave the store.
It's not that I'm embarrased to be seen with Buffy. Except for some strange reason, I was tonight. Maybe, it's because she grounded me and I'd rather not hit up the town with her. Maybe, it's because I know I'm taller than her and I sometimes feel like a weird giant in situations. Maybe, just maybe, it was because I saw Tessa. I don't know. I went to bed that night thinking about none of these things. Right when I was falling asleep my mind wanted to remind me that I had cut again. Is this an addiction? Will I stop stealing; only to start cutting? Will I do both? I don't know.
The next morning was overwhelmingly sunny, as usual. I went downstairs and ate breakfast beside Willow, as usual. I proceeded to the living room and watched T.V. with Buffy, as usual. At least I'm going back to normal life. I'm not so sure if that's a good thing, though. Returning to normal life means I will be returning to school tomorrow. I'm not like how Buffy was in school. I didn't have an amazing group of friends and none of the guys drool over me (not that I'm too focused on guys). But even that being said, I don't see any girls making googly eyes over me. You have your popular people, regular people, and you background. I'm definetely background. Kit's my best friend, not by choice. I love her to death but still. We kinda just had to lump together in order to survive.
"Dawn," Buffy interrupted my train of thought, "ya doin' alright?"
"Huh?" I processed what she said, "Uh-huh, yeah, why?"
"Well, it's just that I noticed you've been staring at the bookshelf for a good five minutes."
"Oh, right. Sorry," I smile at her.
"Hey, sweetie," Buffy looks over to me, "can I ask you something?"
Why the hell did she call me 'sweetie'? "Uhm, sure."
"The other night when you stumbled into the living room.. uhm.. I had to uhm.. change you out of your clothing, again.. and I.. uhm.. sorta noticed a cut on your wrist. Now, I'm not saying you did.. uhm.. did anything bad I was just.. uhm.. ya know.. uhm curious."
WHYYYYY. FUCK. Okay, I can be totally chill about this. I am from the great state of California; chill is my middle name. Yeah, color-me-chilled. "I don't know what you're talking about. Uhm, yeah I have no clue. I-I mean it was.. it was a total-like accident, ya know. Yeah, definetelly. I fell onto a stick, sorta." That fell so awkwardly out of my mouth that I'm not even sure a deaf person would've fell for it.
Buffy looks at me suspiciously, "Dawn, lemme see that cut again, please."
I suddenly have hot flashes and feel kind of faint. I'm not going to pass out but I wish I would at this moment. My luck might actually be the worst on the planet. How can this happen? I'm just trying to get by and this is the shit I get hit with? What am I going to do? Alright, just breathe. I won't let her see it.
"Why?" I jolt my arm back for protection.
"Dawn, you're scaring me," Buffy looks beyond concerned, "this doesn't have to be a big deal, just let me see it."
She tries to reach over but I stand up. Yeah, maybe this could blow over if it was just one cut.. too bad that's totally not the case. I have quite a few on my wrist right now and there is no way I can say all of those were "accidental". Why did she even have to bring it up? It's Sunday, for crying out loud. I look over and notice Willow has entered the living room. I'm assuming she heard the whole conversation.
I try to make a run to the stairs before Buffy yells out, "Will, don't let her go." Willow then grabs me by the waist, just before I was able to make it up the stairs. If you couldn't already imagine, I had a look of total and complete panic. I was cornered. I tried to wiggle out of Willow's reach but it was to no prevail. Buffy walks over toward me.
"Dawnie, you can either show me your wrist or we will do this the hard way."
Tears form in my eyes, "Buffy.. Buffy, please."
Buffy waits a couple of seconds to see what I will do. Willow still has her arm around my waist and Buffy is facing me. I have no choice but to watch my life crash and burn before my eyes. Buffy then takes hold of my wrist and rolls up my sleeve. She sees that I have couple bandaids on and looks up to me. She has tears in her eyes, too. She rips the bandaids off and a whimper escapes my mouth.
"Oh God," Buffy's voice is strained, "oh, God." She starts to cry.
"Buffy, please," I cry too.
"Dawnie, no.." Willow lets go of me and sits on the stairway with her head down.
"Why," Buffy wraps her arms around me, "why, Dawnie, why?" She begins to sob uncontrollably and we drop to the floor. We cry for awhile until I eventually settle down.
"Dawn," Buffy is still sniffling, "why didn't you tell me.. tell me that you were feeling this way?"
"I just did it once, I swear... after that first night I came home late. Then, after I snuck out again; I cut. I went downstairs and we got in that fight... so I went back upstairs and it just kinda happened then too. I've only done it a few times, I swear."
"Why didn't you just tell me how you felt? You didn't have to cut."
"I know, I know.. but I just panicked. Then, once I had already done it; I didn't see the big deal in doing it again, ya know? Buff, I swear it's not an addiction. It's just like when you do it once-"
"-You can't stop," Willow interrupts me, "that's addiction, Dawn. I should know of these things. Ya know, me... and magic."
"No, no," I try to explain, "Buff you have to believe me; I mean c'mon. I would never do this."
Buffy starts to cry again. "But Buffy, please!" It was to no prevail, she was shaking her head back and forth and buried her face in her palms.
"Dawn, I'm taking you to the children's phychiatrist over on 21st street," Buffy said while still crying. She stood up immediately, "Dawnie, cmon'. We gotta go," she said in between sniffles, "get your things, please."
Buffy then pulled me up off the ground and told me to go upstairs and get dressed. I lingered outside my room to see what Buffy and Willow were saying. I could hear Buffy crying (more like sobbing) and Willow trying to comfort her.
Willow sounds like she was crying too, "Buffy, it's okay."
"No, no it's not! My baby sister has been cutting herself and I was too caught up in my own life to notice."
"Buff, I didn't notice either. It's okay. You need to calm down. You might be overracting. Maybe we should calmy discuss it with Dawn before taking further action."
"No, Will. There will be no 'calm' discussion. It will end in more crying and screaming and pain. I can't handle it. God knows how Dawn feels right now. I think it'll be better if we just take her to a professional."
"But Buff-" Willow was quickly cut off as Buffy called for me downstairs.
"Come on, Dawn! Will and I are waiting, sweetie."
I don't give a shit. They make it seem like they are the ones struggling with this. It's me. Willow was right; I probably have an addiction. I'm a crazy emo bitch who is currently being judged downstairs by my own sister. I can't deal with it. Now I have to go to a counselor where they can confirm that I'm some crazy emo bitch. I don't want to go. I really don't want to. I don't want to be here, either. I don't want to be in this situation. I don't want to be alive. Now, for the rest of my life I will have live knowing how ashamed Buffy must be. I'm still going to be the same old sad kid who has no calling on this earth. I wasn't even born a human, so why should I have to stick it out for the long haul. I go to the bathroom and fumble around for a fresh blade in the medicine cabinet. My mind has kicked into overboard panic and I'm not thinking; just doing. I make a couple of cuts that were way too deep. I instantly feel ashamed and try to stop it but blood just keeps pouring out. I feel faint. I know I have to tell Buffy. Or I could go now. Maybe this is my way out. I can be somewhere else where there are people who care for me; where there is mom. Buffy said herself how much it sucked to be brought back to Earth. I still hold the blade in my hand and make my way out of the bathroom; showtime.