Ch. 6 Showtime

I stumble down the hall. I don't even have a gameplan as I approach the top of the stairs and make my way down. I see Buffy and Willow still talking on the couch and decide to interrupt the chat.

"You guys wanna.. you guys wanna see how I really feel?" I don't know what I'm saying or what I'm thinking.

"Dawn? What's going on?" I can faintly hear Buffy's voice.

I keep my wrist and razor blade behind me, making sure they're out of sight. I continue talking, "I'm tired. You know, I'm really tired.. of all of this. You don't get it Buffy. You don't- you don't get what its like to be alone. I'm not pretty, smart, or a slayer. I wouldn't even be good at construction. I'm a.. I'm a nobody. I don't belong here and you all- you all would be better off without me." I then make the worst decision that an angsty teen could possibly make. I lift up my wrist and razor blade for Buffy and Willow to see. I can't tell whats going on but I can see the horror in their faces. I make a successful attempt at my deepest cut; right on the vein in my wrist. Buffy tackles me down; but it's too late. I can only hear faint voices. It's hard to focus when I'm enduring the worst pain in my life. All I can think is that this better kill me or I don't know what I'm going to do. I hear screaming in the background as well as Buffy yelling, "Call 911, Willow! Call 911 right now! Oh my God," over and over again.

I'm convinced that this must be what it feels like to die. There was so much chaos around me but I could no longer feel the pain because I was blacking out. I barely make out the words, "I think I'm gonna die," before I actually blank out.

I woke up with a tube in my throat. It's the first few seconds of coming to realization when you don't remeber why or how you got there. You almost think everything is fine. But then, you notice the atmosphere. Hospital. You smell the smell. Hospital. You taste the taste. Dry mouth, tube in throat. I blink a few times and start to cough. I almost shit myself when I hear a loud beeping go off in my room. Immediately, a nurse comes in with a wide grin on her face, "Hey you."

I slowly raise my hand to wave. That's when I notice the gauze around my wrist. It hit me in that second. This is why I'm here.

"Did you have a nice rest?" The nurse walks over to my monitor and writes down information. "You probably want that tube out of your mouth, huh?" She runs her fingers through my hair. "I will be right back with the doctor. As far as I can tell; your vitals are fine. Dr. Smith is going to come in and double check, then we will notify your family." She walks out of the room and I'm left alone with my thoughts; exactly what I'm afraid of.

Dr. Smith comes in and gives me the OK. He then begins to explain to me why I'm here while I continue to look truly ashamed and embarrased. He gives a tired speech on how I could've died blah blah and how much my family and friends are worried blah blah and how I'm going to get help blah blah. Great, now I'm going to have to spend two weeks at some clinic where they will treat me like a statistic. I've been asleep for two whole days. I wish I was still asleep. No one is going to understand my situation. I'll admit that I'm depressed, but I was never suicidal. I just was panicking (again, I know) and didn't see a way out. I was so mad at myself for cutting again and didn't want to know how Buffy would react. Now I have to see how Buffy will react to seeing me. She will most likely strangle me. Or, the whole gang will come in at once and it will be awkward.

Buffy comes in my room alone; looking like she had just attended back-to-bakc funerals. Her skin was pale while her eyes screamed, "I'M EXHAUSTED AND AM HOPING YOU DON'T NOTICE HOW MUCH I'VE BEEN CRYING". She gives me a famous sympathetic smile and begins to tear up. She practically throws herself on me and buries her face in my neck.

"Buff, can't breathe here."

She gives a small laugh, "Sorry, just glad to see you."

She sits on the side of my bed and begins to stroke my hair.

"Buffy, when will I get to go home?"

"Once you get better Dawnie. The second you get better you will be able to come back home, I promise."

"Do you know where they will send me?"

"Don't worry, I won't let them send you out of the state or anything. Plus, I'm gonna make sure I can visit you as much as possible."

It's quiet for a few moments before I work up the courage to apologize.

"I'm so sorry."

"There isn't anything to be sorry about. If anything I'm sorry I didn't see what you were going through."

"Does the gang hate me?"

"Of course not, why would you think that?"

"Because, you know-"

Buffy interrupts me, "Dawn, listen. They are very worried about you and miss you. You know you've been asleep for the past two days? Anyways, they would never hate you. They love you so much. We all love you so much, Dawn."

"I feel better already."