Chapter Eleven
The coming of October brought a deeper chill to the air. The students were spending more time inside the warm castle than outside on the grounds. On the rare warm days, it seemed as though everyone in the castle poured outside to congregate in the sunshine. Unfortunately, these days became fewer and fewer as Halloween neared.
Many of the sixth year students were finding their free time spent in the library or in their Common Rooms, usually bent over their textbooks. The mounds of homework had increased drastically from fifth year and even the Marauders were seen to be frantically scribbling out essays and homework assignments.
The staff accredited this change in demeanor to the fact that the Marauders were now spending a great deal of time with Lily Evans, Alice Prewett, and Frank Longbottom, all of whom were considered to be model students. The boys in question would not deny that hanging around the three did play a large part in keeping them in line, but they gave most of the credit to Lily.
Their last prank had landed them in detention every night for an entire month. She had done fairly well without them for the first two weeks, but Thursday of the third week, they returned to the Common Room to find Alice waiting for them. One look at her face and the three boys had raced to their dormitory where they had found Lily, writhing naked upon Remus' bed in utter desperation. It had taken all night to calm her down and the four of them had been completely exhausted the following day in classes, resulting in poor performances. James' vinegar had actually exploded when he attempted to turn it to wine in Transfiguration and Remus had confused the inferi with dementors in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Sirius and Lily had fallen asleep on each other in Charms, only to be woken by Professor Flitwick casting the aguamenti charm at them as a demonstration to the rest of the class.
After that rather disastrous day, the Marauders had turned over a new leaf. At least in the eyes of the professors. They knew they couldn't be caught pranking students if they were to take care of Lily. They hadn't hung up their pranking hats so to speak, but they were trying to behave themselves as much as possible.
And in the event that someone desperately needed pranking, like in the case of Armando Malfoy, they made sure at least one of them escaped blame so that, if detention was given, they would be able to take care of Lily. As it was, they hadn't gotten detention for the Malfoy incident. This was largely due to the fact that James had used his dad's invisibility cloak and, under their professor's encouragement, had been practicing non-verbal magic. Malfoy hadn't known who to blame for trout in his pants or the jellyfish on his head.
Still, the point was that the Marauders had, for the most part, stopped pranking and turned their attention to studying and Lily.
And sometimes, as was the case after a particularly gloomy Herbology class, they combined the two.
It was just the four Marauders and Lily, Alice having made her excuses to avoid the library. They had started the afternoon busy at work on a Transfiguration essay, but about halfway through, James had become distracted by the way Lily kept running her fingers through her hair. The fiery strands seem to reflect the candlelight of the darkened room, creating a glow about her. Every movement caused the flames of her hair to dance, further enrapturing James until he completely forgot about Transfiguration all together.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but at some point she became aware of his stare. The blush that stained her cheeks was adorable in its innocence and James felt his stomach clench almost painfully at the sight.
"What?" Lily hissed, trying to hide her smile.
"Nothing," James answered quickly.
"Why are you staring at me?" Lily asked.
"Because you're the prettiest thing in here," James told her, causing her to blush harder.
Sirius chuckled softly beside him and Remus shifted slightly in his chair, their subtle and mostly silent ways of agreeing with him.
"Thank you, but stop it. It's distracting," Lily mumbled.
"Stop being pretty, then," James demanded with a wide grin.
Fighting hard to keep from smiling, Lily shook her head and went back to work. James shared a grin with Sirius before returning to his own essay, which was a lot shorter than those of his study partners. Transfiguration was his best subject, though, so he wasn't too concerned. By the time they were ready to leave the library and head off to dinner, he had almost completed his essay. Lily had finished hers first and had moved on to helping Peter with his. As the five of them packed up, Lily reassured Wormtail that she would help him more once they got back to the Common Room.
As they gathered the last of their books and quills together, James grabbed Lily's bag and swung it over his shoulder to join his.
"James, I can carry my own bag," Lily said, moving to take it from him.
"I know you can, Lils, but why would you want to?" James asked as he jumped out of her reach.
"Because you look silly carrying two of them," Lily tried.
"Really, babe? When have I ever cared what other people think?" James asked, grabbing her hand.
"Well, let's think about this, shall we? How about every time you messed up your hair? Every time you rode your broom? Every time you showed off in class? Oh, and every time you hexed someone? I'm pretty sure you cared what I thought, at least, whenever you did that stuff," Lily said as she looped her arm through Remus' on her other side.
"She's got you there, Prongs," Remus chuckled.
"Yeah, but you're not just anybody. You're Lily Evans, my girl. Of course I'm going to care what you think, but that has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I care what the rest of the school thinks," James insisted.
"You care what they think about me," Lily reminded him.
"Again. It's you, babe. You are my one exception. Well, you and the Marauders. But that's it. Everyone else can go to hell for all I care," James said.
"You think you're so tough," Lily giggled, linking their fingers.
"I am tough, babe."
"No, you're sweet. And you do care what others think about you, otherwise you'd be an outright toe-rag to everyone in this school," Lily said.
James gave her a highly skeptical look and she laughed before explaining herself.
"Seriously, James. If you didn't care what anyone thought of you, you would be a lot worse. You never go over the line, you're always on good terms with the professors, you make sure other people show them respect, you make sure to do well in your classes, you help people who need it, and you're always quick to defend those who can't defend themselves."
All four of the Marauders were stunned silent as they stared at the redhead between them. A few months ago, James would have thought that speech meant that he was dreaming because Lily Evans would never, never, say that sort of thing to him, but here he was. Here she was. And he was pretty sure he wasn't dreaming.
"Merlin, Evans. I thought you hated James. When did you take the time to notice all that?" Sirius asked, breaking the silence.
"I never hated him. I just… wanted him to grow up a bit," Lily said slowly.
"And have I succeeded?" James asked, genuinely curious.
"I'll say. You've loved me since first year, James, but you share me with two of your best mates because you know I need it. You were willing to sacrifice what you wanted to give me what I needed. I don't think you could have done anything more selfless than that," Lily told him, tears shimmering in her green eyes.
"Merlin, Lily," James groaned, pulling her away from Remus and into his arms.
He kissed her with everything he had, wanting her to know that he would do anything, be anything, for her. She was his entire world and he would go to his grave loving her. She made up the best part of him, made him want to be a better man, and he told her so without a single word passing between them.
When he pulled away, he was surprised to see that her eyes were still clear. The passion that was usually so quick to claim her seemed to have remained below the surface. From the dazzling smile she sent him, he knew she was thrilled. As much as he, Remus, and Sirius loved having sex with her, he knew she craved intimate moments that didn't lead to the bedroom. To finally succeed in having one meant that she was gaining control of the curse.
"I love you, Lily," James whispered.
"I love you, too, James."
"I love you, too, James."
The words seemed to echo inside his head, sounding again and again. He felt as though he'd fallen down a deep hole and there was no hope of resurfacing.
Lily had told James she loved him.
Lily loved James.
But she didn't love him.
He looked over at Remus, wondering if Lily had told him she loved him. The look on his mate's face said it all.
Lily didn't love Remus, either.
She seemed to realize something was wrong, concern etched across her beautiful face as she looked between him and Remus.
"Sirius? Remus? What's wrong?"
"Nothing," they answered in unison.
He would not ask for her love. If she didn't feel it for him, he would not beg for it.
Sure, he would go on loving her and he knew he couldn't walk away, but it would be like a knife in the chest every time.
Because she didn't love him.
Remus saw the moment Lily realized what was wrong. Her beautiful emerald eyes widened and the guiltiest of looks came across her face.
"Oh, no. No, no, no. Sirius, Remus, I-"
"Please, Lily. Don't," Remus cut her off.
"No. You have to listen to me," Lily tried.
"You don't have to explain anything to us. We knew emotions might play into it and we knew you might not come to love us all. It's okay," Remus assured her, though it felt like he was carving out his own heart as he said it.
"But I do! I love all three of you!" Lily insisted, taking his and Sirius' hands.
"Don't say it just because you feel guilty, Lily. We'll still be here. We're not going anywhere," Remus said softly.
He didn't have to look at Sirius to confirm that his thoughts were correct. He knew Sirius was in just as deep as he was.
"But I'm not! I do love you! Please, you have to believe me," Lily practically sobbed.
He remembered the day James had come back to the dormitory, telling them Lily had said she loved them all. Remus had felt a hope unlike anything he'd ever felt before, the idea that Lily could love him swelling within his chest until he thought it would pop. He had waited every day after that for her to say the words, but she had remained silent. He wanted to believer her now, but he didn't know if she meant it and he couldn't believe her only to find out later that she didn't mean it.
The blow would kill him.
"Please, Remus. I do. I love you so much. I love everything about you. How hard you are on me, how you bring out the best in me, how you push me beyond my limits and bring me to new heights. I love that you bring out a side of me no one else ever had, or ever could. You give me a freedom I'll never have with anyone else, Remus, because you aren't afraid to take control, to dominate me, to tell me that you own me and that I'm yours to do with what you will. I need that, Remus, but I love you," Lily proclaimed tearfully.
Before he could even think of a response, she had grabbed Sirius and pulled him to her. She stared him straight in the eye as she said, "I love you, Sirius. I love how you tease me and how you refuse to call me by my first name. I love that you can push my buttons and make me laugh. You're so headstrong and determined and you bring that out in me, challenging me. You definitely don't make life easy, but you're always there to protect me. You let me braid your hair, for Merlin's sake! You're willing to give me anything and everything I ask for and I know that when I'm with you, everything is going to be okay because you won't let it be anything else. You're always right there when I need you and I love you, Sirius. So, so much."
She grabbed Remus' hand and pulled the two of them to stand in front of her, shoulder to shoulder.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before now. I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't choose to tell James first, it just happened. I don't love him any more or less than I love both of you," Lily insisted.
She pulled their hands to her heart, holding them there as she choked back tears.
"My heart is big enough for all three of you. I can't believe I fell in love with you three, but I thank Merlin and God and every deity known to man that you're mine."
"Lily," Remus breathed, tangling his free hand in her hair.
"I love you, Evans. More than I thought was possible. I'll love you forever, " Sirius murmured, rubbing his forehead against her cheek.
"I love you, sweetheart. You're it for me. My one and only. Forever," Remus promised, kissing her sweetly.
James' arms appeared around her stomach, his chin resting on her shoulder as he told her, "I love you, babe. Now and forever."
"I love all of you. Forever."
Something settled over them like a blanket, surrounding them in warmth, and Remus knew their words had just bound them together in something deeper and more powerful than promises. There was magic in the air as the four of them held each other and one word seemed to echo through Remus' entire being.
Forever.
Peter figured he had been forgotten. The way his three friends were clinging to Lily made him feel awkward. People were staring as they walked by, some of them going so far as to point. In a way, he was slightly relieved. If the people walking by were too busy watching his best friends and Lily, they weren't looking at him, left alone and forgotten again.
He found it hard not to resent Lily. She had stolen his three best friends. Now, instead of spending time pranking and goofing off, they spent time hanging around Lily and Alice. Their dormitory was no longer the sacred place of crude bodily functions and dirty laundry. He had to actually knock before entering, or else risk finding Lily and at least one of his friends in a compromising position.
But Lily made it so damn hard to dislike her.
She was sweet and patient. She didn't seem to be bothered by his endless questions or his lack of skill in all things academic. She was actually taking the time to teach him the work instead of just letting him copy her, which meant he was beginning to understand things in class as well. The other day, he had answered a question for McGonagall correctly, earning five points for Gryffindor and he owed it all to Lily.
He was contemplating just heading off to dinner by himself when they finally disbanded. Lily wiped her eyes, having been crying, and gave a shaky laugh as she straightened herself out.
"I'm sorry, Peter," Lily said and he could tell she meant it.
"Forget about it," Peter shrugged.
"Come on, Wormtail. I'll buy you a pumpkin juice," James offered, swinging an arm around his shoulders.
"Buy me dinner and we'll call it even," Peter countered.
"You drive a hard bargain, mate, but deal," James agreed with an easy smile.
Peter saw Lily between Sirius and Remus now, arm-in-arm with each of them. She shot him a wink as they continued walking.
"He hasn't even bought me dinner, yet, Peter. Tell me your secrets," Lily requested.
Yes, she made it damn hard not to like her.
"So, what's going on with you and Frank?" Lily asked.
She was on her back at the foot of Alice's bed, her head hanging off the side and her feet propped up on one of the bedposts. Alice was lounging on the floor, leaning against Lily's bed. Both of them had a magazine in hand, enjoying a lazy Sunday morning.
"Nothing's going on," Alice answered.
Alice had never been a very good liar. Her voice tended to go higher and, sometimes, her hands shook. The sound of crinkling paper only confirmed what Alice's high voice had indicated.
"Oh, come on, Ali. I know you're going to see him every time you bail on me," Lily said, glaring at her friend upside-down.
Alice had the same problem Lily did. Their fair complexion made it impossible to hide a blush.
Rolling over to face her friend right-side-up, Lily swung her feet back and forth and gave her friend her best glare.
"Dish."
She managed to hold out for a full five seconds before eagerly leaning forward and spilling her secrets.
"Alright, fine. I really like him, okay?"
"I can see why. I mean, he's good-looking and sweet. He protected us from those fifth years," Lily said with a nod.
"He's amazing, Lily. Do you know he told me that I should be careful around Caradoc Dearborn at the last Prefects meeting?" Alice told her.
"Really? And what did you say?" Lily asked with a giggle.
"Oh, I waved him off. There's no way Dearborn is actually interested in me. He had just wanted to make sure I was comfortable with my rounds. The point is, Frank thinks Dearborn is interested and he's jealous! Can you imagine?" Alice asked, joining in Lily's laughter.
"Well, he's probably more worried about you being interested in Dearborn. I mean, he is Head Boy. Not to mention, he's not too shabby in the looks department. I can see why Frank might be worried," Lily said.
"But he has to know that I like him. I've been spending all my free time with him," Alice insisted.
"Have you told him you like him?" Lily asked.
"No, but I shouldn't have to. He should know. I wouldn't spend time with him if I didn't like him," Alice said.
"Boys are dumb, Ali. You have to be blunt and tell him you like him," Lily told her vehemently.
"I can't do that! What if he doesn't feel the same way?" Alice asked softly.
"Oh, please, Ali. The boy is crazy about you. Trust me. He likes you," Lily assured her.
"How would I even go about telling him I like him?" Alice frowned, flipping a page in her magazine back and forth.
"You just walk up to him and say, 'Hey, Frank. I like you. Wanna go to Hogsmeade with me?'" Lily said, mimicking Alice's voice.
"It's not that easy," Alice denied, shaking her head.
"Yes, it is. Go for it, Alice. You deserve to be happy," Lily encouraged, reaching down to pat her friend's foot reassuringly.
Alice stared down at her magazine for a few minutes, debating whether or not to follow Lily's advice. While she waited, Lily flipped through her own magazine, marking a few outfits she liked with her wand. She had tagged quite a few outfits by the time Alice took a deep breath, drawing Lily's attention once more.
"Alright. I'll do it. But you better be ready with a pound of chocolate, fuzzy pjs, and some butterbeer in case it doesn't go well," Alice demanded.
"Deal. I'll even steal James' wireless and we can play sad songs about cheating men and broken hearts," Lily promised, causing Alice to laugh.
"See, Lily? This is why we are best friends."