By Jim Robert Bader
(Based on the works of Rumiko Takahashi and Robert E. Howard)
"Know, O' Prince, in the days after the fall of Atlantis and before the rise of the Sons of Aryas, there lived an epic time when shining Kingdoms lay spread across the world like dinner plates at a Bar Mitzvah...
"And to this time there came Conan, a Cimmerian, with sword in hand and eyes like sapphire... A thief, a reaver, a slayer of men (and a quick-change artist on the side)...and with him came the flame-haired Warrior Maiden named Sonya the Red, (though never did mortal eye see one at the side of the other) to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth like bamboo poles over the cursed Springs of Yojimbo..."
The Premise here is simple: One day in Nerima a strange artifact is unearthed that has strange, unearthly powers. It once belonged to a Sorcerer in a time before imagining and it dated at 12,000 years BC, which is further back than any Archeologist can believe possible, considering the technology that must have been used to create it.
Thieves attempt to steal it but are thwarted almost as an afterthought by Team Ranma, who just happened to be in the area for no reason in particular. The artifact is dropped by one of the bandits and is found by a curious Genma, who wonders if there might be some manner of reward involved. Cologne recognizes it and warns him not to tamper with things he does not understand (which covers a lot of territory), but naturally enough Genma accidentally breaks the seal on the device and is sucked into a void that transports him back to another time, place and era...
Genma finds himself in a very strange land (which he quickly deduces is no where near Japan, let alone Tokyo for that matter) where he finds a boy chained to a giant wheel that is being used to grind grain. The boy is pushing the wheel all by himself and Genma feels for his plight (though in truth he feels a lot more about the lunch he sees solitary guard on duty prepare, after all-he's hungry!) and quickly sets about to liberate him. The boy is a ten-year-old orphan and his people are all dead. Genma decides to take the boy with him and begins to train him in the arts, if only to prove to himself that he is not the rotten father everyone has always accused him of being. It is ten years later and he is still seeking a way back to his own time but is beginning to suspect that he may never find the Wizard to whom the artifact belonged in the first place...
Two men rode into town, one oddly dressed in a coarse brown robe that looked as travel-worn as the man himself. The other man was huge and burly with muscles that were as large as melons, and a face both oddly noble and handsome, in a craggy, bashed-one-time-too-many-in-the-face kind of sense. The man is wearing a leather harness with loin cloth and boots and carries a huge sword slung across his shoulders. They stop by an inn and tie their horses to a post before entering a tavern in search of wine and a meal.
"I don't want to hear about it, old man," the burly man growls over his shoulder, "It was your fault we had to beat it out of there so soon. Didn't you know Amazons get testy when you try and eat their dinner without asking?"
"I thought it was because you defeated their Queen that they were chasing us halfway to the border of Zingara," the older man with the glasses replied, "At least we should have enough gold left to buy us both some dinner."
"Barely," the burly man said as he glanced around the room and met the glare of dozens of rough-hewn characters, not to mention at least two comely bar-maids, "Just remember we may want to pass through these parts again, so try not to start up anything, Pops."
"I'm surprised at you, boy," Genma chided, "Haven't I always looked out for your welfare..."
"Don't get me started," Conan growled in a murderous undertone as they found an empty table (or rather emptied it by picking up one stool and dumping the inebriated occupants on the floor), "At least it didn't rain this time. The last thing I want to put up with are hairy paws and questions about why I'm sitting alone with a Panda."
"Just remember to be on your best manners, boy, when we go to visit my friend Saphir," Genma said as he took his seat opposite from his adopted son, "He's always been a good friend to both of us, and you wouldn't want to upset his lovely daughters."
"I haven't seen Saphir of Zingar since I was barely ten," Conan grunted, "All I remember of that visit was a tent that smelled of Camel dung and three semi-clad urchins running around in silks, the youngest of which dumped a bucket of slop on me for no reason I can remember."
"She was just being affectionate, boy," Genma said, "Haven't I always told you not to take women for granted? They usually say one thing but mean another."
"I don't know why I ever listen to you, Pop," Conan growled, "Like all those stories you used to tell me about your first son and his problems...now here I'm stuck in the same mess, and I hope you're happy about it."
"Okay, so maybe I did make a mistake about those training grounds," Genma allowed, "But I thought Jusenkyo only existed in my time. How was I to know Kithai had it's own Cursed Springs? I mean, what are the odds?"
Conan was about to say something very snide about that when a passing patron got jostled by one of his fellows and accidentally spilled the contents of his mug on the burly Cimmerian. Conan uttered an oath and his voice was suddenly of a higher pitch as she snarled, "What did you do that for? Now I smell like a brewery!"
"Oh sorry," the burly man hovering over her replied, then got a better look from his angle and started to grin and drool at one and the same time, "Hey, not too bad looking, cutie! Want to snuggle up to a real man at my table...?"
That was all he remembered saying before the redhead leaped to her feet and drove his chin into the ceiling.
"No thanks!" the transformed Conan growled, "I don't date outside my species!"
"Hey!" another man growled, "You can't do that to our buddy!"
"The wench just bought herself a world of pain," another man grunted as other men began to circle around their table.
"Just great," Conan growled, "This is another thing I owe you for, Pops."
"Whose idea was it to jump into that pool to rescue that drowning girl?" Genma asked without much concern or guilt in his voice, "Just remember..."
"I know," Conan growled as she cracked her knuckles while sizing up her would-be attackers, "I promise I'll leave the Inn standing and only do a minimum of property damage. Other than that, all bets are off!"
"Consider it a part of your training," Genma replied before signaling to a waitress that he wanted some boiling water without being too specific on the details...
"At last!" Saphir of Zingara said with joy as he read the scroll in his hands over and over, which was easy to do since it had only a very terse message written in badly printed Zingarese, "After all this time! Conan is returning! My daughters, to your father's side at once! Kasandra, Niagara, Akavashi, please hasten like the hot winds of the deserts, my lovely oasis blossoms!"
He clapped his hands, causing his oldest child to look up from where she had been busy arranging flowers from their garden. Niagara looked up from where she had been counting strung beads, while there was no sign at all of his youngest child, Akavashi.
"What is it, father?" Kasandra asked as she knelt at the side of the pillowed divan upon which her father was reclined.
"Why'd you summon us, Daddy?" Niagara asked as she rolled up her accounts scroll (upon which a considerable sum of dinars was carefully tabulated).
"I will explain it all to you soon enough," Saphir looked around then sighed, "Where is Akavashi?"
"Out in the practice yard, as usual," Niagara got to her feet and sighed, "I'll get her, Daddy."
"That girl," Saphir sighed, "How does she ever plan to pick up a man when she scares off every one I attempt to introduce her to?"
"I'm sure she's just waiting to meet the right one, father," Kasandra said pleasantly, "She's really a very sweet girl, she just feels the need to protect herself because of those boys who always pick on her in the market."
"That," Saphir grumbled, "Is something else I've been meaning to mention. The parents of those boys she has been beating up are starting to complain that my daughter has bewitched them, and that one boy...what was his name again? The one who keeps saying he'll eventually own her..."
"Konaro," Kasandra replied, "He's a very nice boy for the son of a Chieftain, but he does get a bit too persistent, and I really don't think Akavashi is ready to settle down yet."
"The girl is of age," Saphir snorted, "You all are! I did not raise my girls to be old maids by the age of twenty, which brings me to the point for why I want you all gathered here. A very old friend of mine is bringing his son to our house and I want you all to meet him, especially you, my daughter."
"His son?" Kasandra asked, suddenly feeling very strange, as though her mother's gift were warning her of what was about to happen...
"Hiyaaa!" Akavashi cried as she chopped the wooden practice dummy in half with one sweep of her long curved sword.
"Not bad," Niagara commented from the edge of the practice circle, "If you ever get attacked by a straw dummy I'm sure you'll be ready to defend yourself."
"What do you want, sister?" Akavashi growled as she raised her sword in salute to her defeated opponent.
"Now what I want," Niagara corrected, "It's Daddy who wants us in the house right now. He says he's got something he wants to tell us."
"Not another guy he wants to pair us up with?" Akavashi growled as she sheathed her sword with an angry motion, "I swear if I see one more guy who thinks he can own me..."
"Excuse me," a pleasant voice said, "I was wondering...is this the house of Saphir of Zingara?"
The two sisters turned to see a redheaded woman standing before them wearing a leather harness that seemed oddly large on her otherwise well-shaped frame, clearly a warrior to judge by the sword she carried slung across her back. What surprised Akavashi and Niagara, however, was the large bear with the odd black-
and-white markings that the girl was holding at arms length as though trying to prevent his escape. The girl did not seem to have any trouble holding the bear back from attempted flight and just looked at the two sisters as if there were nothing unusual about this.
"Uh, yeah, this is the House of Saphir of Zingara," Niagara replied, "Why do you want to know?"
The girl looked at her oddly, then smiled, "Is that you, Niagara? Thought I recognized that sneaky face from somewhere, and you must be little Akavashi all grown up and playing with your father's things."
"And who the Hell are you?" Akavashi demanded.
The girl let the bear go and folded her arms over her chest, "You wouldn't recognize me, but the name's Conan of Cimmerian. Haven't seen the two of you for at least ten seasons, but Pops here thought it was important we stop by for a visit. Right Pop? Hey! Where do you think you're going, old man? Come back here!"
"Uh," Niagara saw the bear heading on two legs for the house and said, "Is he tame or wild?"
"Matter of opinion," the redhead growled, "He's mostly harmless, though, so you don't need to worry that he'll try and eat somebody. He just needs to find some hot water. Matter of fact, I could use some myself."
"Oh," Niagara seemed to take that in stride, then said, "Well, I'll go tell Daddy we've got company, and Kasandra can heat up a bath if you want to freshen up."
"I'd appreciate it," Conan replied, "You've got no idea what kind of a day I've been having. First the Tavern, then somebody emptied a chamber pot, and then there was the horse trough I got knocked into...I mean, what are the odds of getting wet in the middle of this forsaken desert?"
Akavashi looked at the stranger coldly then smiled, "You don't like Zingara very much, huh? How good are you with that sword you've got there?"
"Good enough," Conan replied, "Who's asking?"
"How would you like to practice spar with me?" Akavashi drew her sword, "Just for old times sake...Conan you say?"
"That's right," Niagara frowned, "Weren't you that scruffy kid that was always picking fights with Akavashi? I thought you were a boy back then..."
"Things change," Conan shrugged then added, "I don't like to fight with women, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to spar."
She drew her long sword and the two of them squared off together while Niagara studied them both with a look of calculation. Something in the other girl's manner made her sense that this was a true warrior her sister was facing and that the outcome was certainly not going to be the usual rout Akavashi was used to enjoying. This gave Niagara an idea, and much cause to smile, for it involved making some money on the side, which was always a good way to brighten up her mornings...
"Oh my," Kasandra said in some alarm as she discovered the bear in her kitchen heating up the pot of water over the fire.
The bear calmly ignored her as it tipped the pot over its head, and suddenly he was not a bear any more, which caused Kasandra to breathe a faint, "Oh my" as she sensed sorcery in operation...
"The Cursed Springs of Yojimbo?" Saphir was saying as Akavashi, Niagara and the strange redheaded warrior named Conan entered the main living quarters of the House, "You don't say? That makes everything suddenly quite understandable..."
"Ah," Genma nodded to the new arrivals, "And these must be your others daughters, Akavashi and Niagara."
"Oh my," said Kasandra as she spotted the redhead, "We have another guest? I had better fetch some more bread, cheese and wine. Do you like goats milk?"
"Ah yeah," Conan shrugged, looking somewhat uncomfortable as she murmured, "Actually, I love it, but don't tell anybody, okay?"
"What, afraid of your reputation?" Akavashi grinned, "Don't worry, we'll just settle for the pleasure of your company."
"Ugh, not without that bath we won't," Niagara made a point of holding her nose, "I'll go see if it's ready. If not, I'll heat the coals myself."
"Why, how nice of you, sister," Kasandra said, "And you're not even charging for the extra service."
"Uh, yeah, right," Niagara said as she hid the gold piece that Conan had just slipped her down her bodice, "Just let us know when you're ready to let us in on the big mystery, Daddy."
"But of course," Saphir indicated the man sitting across from him, "This is a very good friend of mine named Saotome Genma, from a distant land called Nippon, which is said to be somewhere beyond the lands of Kitai..."
"Beyond Kitai?" Akavashi blinked, "But that puts it near to the edge of the world! Are you sure there's anything beyond that?"
"Trust me, there is," Genma said gravely, "But we like to think our country is close to where the sun rises every morning, so I suppose you could call it the edge of the world in some sense."
"Some days I wish I could send you there myself, old man," Conan growled, "Since meeting you my life's been one of constant training."
"Training in what?" Akavashi asked him.
"Conan has been training to be the best fighter in the world," Genma replied, "Not just in Swordplay but in hand-to-hand skill. We call our studies Musubetsu Kakuto Ryu, which translates as 'Anything Goes' in your language. Young Conan here is a warrior without peer..."
"In spite of her being a woman?" Kasandra asked brightly.
"You have no idea, girl," Conan shook her red head sadly, then glared at Genma, who squirmed a little under his charge's withering scrutiny.
"Bath's ready," Niagara announced as she returned, "It's a bit on the hot side..."
"No problem," Conan grunted as she turned around and said, "I'll be back in a minute. Pops was just about to let you all in on our little secret."
"Secret?" Akavashi asked as she watched the redhead retreat into the next room, then turned back to the stranger with her own questioning expression.
"Um, it can wait," Genma hesitated, "So...did you and Conan spar for a bit?"
"Sure did," Niagara gave her sister an amused look and said, "She kicked Akavashi's rear in less than twenty heartbeats."
"Hey!" Akavashi protested, "She wasn't really fighting me!"
"That's why you lasted so long," Niagara smiled condescendingly, "Otherwise she'd have beat you in only seven heartbeats."
"Conan is a fine warrior," Genma replied, "But he's just a bit reluctant to go all out against women..."
"He?" Kasandra said in confusion, "But Conan is a girl..."
"Ah, that's the thing I've been meaning to tell all of you," Genma replied, "Do you remember that Panda you saw when we first arrived at your house?"
"Panda?" Akavashi said, "You mean the bear? Whatever happened to him? Is he still around somewhere..."
"Um, actually," Genma replied, "The truth is that I..."
"Crom! That is hot!" cried a voice from the other room, which startled everyone as it was distinctively masculine and deep as a barrel.
"Who was that?" Niagara asked.
"We've got an intruder in our home!" Akavashi drew her sword, "It had better not be one of those local bullies trying to sneak up on me! I'll bet he's bothering Conan!'
"Um, actually what I mean to say...!" Genma tried to call out in warning, but Akavashi was already rushing to the assistance of her recent sparring partner. He winced a few seconds later when the scream of dismay emanated from the background, and he murmured softly, "History precedes itself again..."
Akavashi came running back into the room, her face pale and drawn as she cried, "There's a Naked Man in the bathtub, and he's a real giant!"
"A giant?" Kasandra asked, "This far south of the Borderlands?"
"Let me see," Niagara asked, taking a step forwards, but Akavashi prevented her by stepping into her path.
"No, it's too dangerous!" Akavashi cried, "He's as big a mule!"
"So?" Niagara asked, "You're the warrior in the family. Why didn't you make him leave?"
"I got scared is why!" Akavashi admitted, "You didn't see the size of his...I mean...he's enormous!"
"Thank you for the compliment," said a slightly soggy figure who appeared in the corridor clutching a towel around his waist, "But you could try knocking first before you walk in on somebody's bath."
Everyone in the room just gaped, save only for Genma, who sighed and said, "I did try to warn you..."
"Who are you?" Niagara asked as she looked the stranger up and down with a very appreciative expression.
"I'm Conan of Cimmeria," the burly giant replied with an apologetic nod, "Sorry about this..."
April Fools!
Comments/Criticism: shadowmane
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