Siren: (sniffles) Muse made me send Kratos and Yuan back.

Muse: They were raping each other in the basement!

Siren: Okay, first of all, it's not rape if it's willing. Secondly, only Yuan was doing the raping.

Muse: I bet some of our fans read just for the A/N.

Siren: It's like a whole seperate crackfic!

Muse: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, any characters, or their emergency stash.

Siren: YAY! PARODY!

When we last left our heroes, they had just entered the temple.

"There are monsters in here," Kratos said. "Be careful."

"So's your face!" Lloyd yelled.

"Lloyd, are your sword techniques self taught?" Kratos asked, completely ignoring Lloyd's remark.

"Yeah, so what? You wanna fight? Huh?"

"No, that comes later in the game. Here, take this book you won't read until your third playthrough, when you realize that it really would've helped back when you first played."

"Sure, why not?"

The group walked straight and approached a strange, mystical force field that was blocking their way.

"Ow!" Lloyd said, walking into the force field.

"Lloyd, I don't think we can go further," Genis said as his friend tried to pass through it again.

"Shut up, Genis. You think you're so smart, what with your advanceded edumication." Lloyd flipped the half-elf off, who began to cry.

"Hey!" Kratos yelled back to them. "You guys do know we ditched you, right?"

"No, you can't ditch me! I'm too awesome to be ditched!" Lloyd chased after them, dragging a sobbing Genis behind him. "And Genis is keeping the emergency stash safe in his bra!"

"I don't wear a bra, I'm not a girl!" Genis screamed.

"Uh, what are we looking for again?" Lloyd asked, finally catching up to Kratos and Colette.

"A ring the size of a headband. It shoots fire, you can't miss it," Kratos answered.

"What's this fire-shooting ring called?" Lloyd asked.

"The Sorcerer's Ring."

Suddenly, three British kids busted down the wall.

"Did you just say the Sorcerer's Stone?!" one asked excitedly.

"Um…no."

Suddenly, a short blonde guy with metal limbs and a giant suit of armor busted down another wall right behind the British kids.

"Did you just say the Philosopher's Stone?!"

"Nope," Kratos said. "Sorcerer's Ring."

"Sorcerer's Stone," Random British Kid said. "Sorry."

The random people went back through the busted down walls from whence they came, not happy that they'd failed at finding their respective stones.

"That was weird," Lloyd said. They went down a hall and, after battling a few deadly caterpillars, came upon a chest.

Lloyd ran away to open it. "Oh, sweet!" he yelled back. "It's a…bottle of liquid!"

"That's a life bottle, dumbass," Kratos said.

"Oh, so that's why it says 'life bottle' on it!" Colette smacked her head. "I was wondering what that meant."

Kratos stared at her. "Are you serious?"

"Of course!"

"Game over. Sylvarant's fucked."

The group continued on down stairs, until they got to a room with holes in the floor.

"What the hell?" Genis asked. "Was the architect sloshed when he designed this room?"

"OH MY GOSH!!" Colette ran up to a rock that looked suspiciously like a rock-monster. "Is this a rock?!"

"Look out, you dumb blonde!" Kratos ran over to kick the rock-monster's ass. After doing so, it turned into a very square…rock.

"How come all of the other enemies' bodies disappear, but this one becomes a rock?" Lloyd asked.

"To make you ask questions," Kratos answered back.

"OH NO, I'M GOING TO TRIP OVER NOTHING WITH ABSOLUTELY NO PROVOCATION WHATSOEVER AND SHOVE THIS ROCK INTO A HOLE IN THE FLOOR, THEREFORE SOLVING THE PUZZLE!" Colette screamed as she fell. "Look out!"

The rock fell through the hole in the floor, making a path to another set of stairs.

"Oh, I get it," Genis and Kratos said, lightbulbs appearing out of their heads.

"What are those lightbulbs doing there?" Lloyd asked.

Ignoring him, Kratos shoved Genis into the hole. "My turn to be smart!" he yelled after him.

After solving the puzzle, which a five-year-old with brain damage could figure out, the group went up and got the Sorcerer's Ring. Lloyd grabbed it out of Kratos' hand.

"Suh-weeeeet!" he shouted. "Let's play with fire!" He shot the ring, which lit the room on fire.

"Um…oh, shit, let's go." Lloyd pointed towards the stairs. "I have experience with fire, and it turns out to be painful. And the firemen are all assholes."

The group returned to the original hall with the force field. After Lloyd tried three more times to walk straight through it, Kratos grabbed the ring back and opened the way.

"What a lame-ass ring," Lloyd complained. "It just shoots fire. I mean, I could get a flame-thrower from eBay and do more damage."

"Shut up, Lloyd, you're dumb," Kratos said, yanking him into the portal.

They came into a room which clearly was an alter room.

"This is the alter room," Colette said.

"Thanks, Captain of the Obvious." Kratos rolled his eyes.

"You're welcome, Kratos," Colette said, the insult just going over her head completely.

"Then that's a Fruit Gusher?" Lloyd asked, pointing to a glowing, inedible crystal.

"I think I got dumber since meeting you," Genis said.

Colette smiled at Lloyd. "That's the Cruxis Crystal. They say I was born with that in my hand."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Lloyd screamed. "You were born with a glowing crystal in your hand?! Holy shit! I bet you could make big money as a circus freak."

"Look at the pretty light!" Kratos yelled at them, pointing. They both stared at it in awe. "That's right, go fetch the light, like a good puppy. No, not you, dumbass." He held Lloyd back from the light.

Suddenly, a speck of light flashed and a blonde angel that looked suspiciously like a male Colette appeared from it.

"What's that?" Lloyd asked. "Is that a Fruit Gusher?"

"What are you, retarded?" Kratos said.

"I am Remiel," the angel said in a booming, self-important voice. "I am an angel of judgement."

"I am not caring," Lloyd said, in a bored voice.

"I'm here to guide-" Remiel sighed and massaged his temples. "You know what? I'm going to paraphrase."

"You're a lousy angel," Lloyd said.

"Listen, I've had a crappy day. My ex and I are trying to be friends, but it's just not working out. Our kids are caught in the middle of it, and to top it all off, my new girlfriend just cleaned out my bank account and left me for a used car salesman named Chuck." Remiel sighed and sank to the floor. "Honestly, I have no idea why she left me."

"Well," Lloyd said, "when was the last time you told her how much you loved her?"

"Let me think…probably the night we hooked up in that hotel."

"Well, that's probably why. Communication is key in any relationship." Lloyd patted his shoulder.

"Oh…my…god…you're right!" Remiel shouted. "I'm going to go home right now and tell my kids I love them!"

"Ahem." Kratos pointed to a watch that had spontaneously appeared on his wrist. "We kind of need to get going, so could you explain where we're going?"

"Oh. Right." Remiel took up his self-important voice again. "Awaken the Goddess Martel! Have a weird glowing ruby necklace that formed on your mother's placental wall! Enjoy this huge Tower of Salvation! Unlock the seals! If you're going through hell, keep on going! Don't slow down! If you're scared, don't show it! You might get out before the devil even knows you're there!"

"Um…I humbly accept this task?" Colette said, having been thoroughly confused by the authors' use of country lyrics.

"Once you ascend into heaven, you'll save the world!" Remiel raised his arms up to the sky. "We will bless you with the powers of the angels with each seal you release!" He began to float upwards again.

"Wait! I have a question to ask you!" Colette waved her hands fractically. "Are you my father?"

"I will answer you at the Seal of Fire, my daughter." Remiel stopped. "Oh, wait, I guess I just did answer you. Oh, well, now you know." A glowing light appeared at his crotch-level and he vanished.

"Hey, Fruity and the Retard," Kratos said, addressing Genis and Lloyd. "We're outta here."

He picked Colette up and went through the portal, leaving Genis and Lloyd to stand there, wondering why they were still standing there. After finding the answer, they promptly left and headed for the exit. That's when they realized that Raine had come from nowhere and was blocking their path.

"Hey! You're supposed to be studying in class, not playing therapist to an angel!" Raine screamed. "THIS MEANS PUNISHMENT!"

Suddenly, the song 'Crazy Bitch' began to play.

"What the hell is that?" Lloyd asked.

"It's my theme song!" Raine shouted. She pinned down Genis and pulled out her staff.

"No, sister, not the stick, I don't like the stick!" He screamed as Raine began to spank him, beat him, and ended with a grand finale of shoving her stick up his ass.

"Well, one mystery solved," Lloyd mumbled, inching away to the exit.

"WAIT!" Raine grabbed him. "It's your turn to become a man, Lloyd!"

After Lloyd and Genis were done being beaten and sodomized, Raine poined to the exit. "You can leave now. Class is done for today."

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Lloyd screamed, trying not to bleed to death from his anus.

"Run, Lloyd! She'll attack again!" Genis screamed.

And with that, the pair ran screaming in fear away from their teacher/sister, who was laughing manically as the randomness continued. But not in this chapter.