Siren: Guess what? As we write this, we are babysitting my one year old neice, Korin!
Muse: Look! (holds up Korin)
Everyone Everywhere: AW! HOW CUTE!
Siren: Korin, would you like to say the disclaimer?
Korin: zeuhjjdrfgpioedkij'oea6yg54t4e3-5438975utjger,.dsn cEW3ORH./A,1R45F5A4666666A
Muse: Let me translate: 'Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, Cool Ranch Doritos, Hitler, the clap, the Maury Show, Mr. Deeds, the Refreshments, swine flu, any Mexican bank, Chicago the Musical, or Queen Latifah.'
Siren: What a disclaimer.
Korin: .olenfjrakmde iok4whj3o,r5t8i4ke3m,knfjiva dvouijkmer
Muse: Korin says, 'Review, please!'
Siren: How can you say no to that face?
The story last left off with Lloyd and Genis running away from their abusive teacher/sister. They, for some unknown reason, went back into the school.
"Why'd we come back here?" Lloyd asked. But before he could get an answer, the two walked in on Raine standing there, staring at the chalkboard.
"What the hell? How'd she get back to the village before us?" Lloyd scratched his head.
"CLASS IS DONE! GO AWAY!" Raine screamed.
"Why are you here?" Genis asked.
"Oh, I'm leaving you. I'm going with Colette because you disturb me and I've grown tired of taking care of you."
While Genis broke into sobs in the corner, Lloyd asked, "Where'll Genis go? He's not staying at my house. He might molest me in my sleep." Lloyd glanced down at Genis, curled up in the fetal position and sucking his thumb. "You know how horny thirteen year old girls can be."
"FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I'M NOT A GIRL!" Genis screamed, going into a fit of rage and beating Lloyd with a desk.
Once Lloyd had recovered from his injuries and Genis had gone back to the fetal position, Raine shook her head. "He really is a boy, Lloyd."
"Really? But I've seen him in the locker room…"
"It's just really tiny."
"Oh. Anyway, moving on from Genis' penis…" Lloyd stopped. "Hey, that rhymed!"
"Genis will be staying with Frank and Phaidra," Raine said.
"But I killed Frank," Lloyd protested.
"Raine, be careful," Genis said, finally getting out of the fetal position. "And don't go near that kid again. That restraining order hasn't been lifted yet."
"I'll be fine," she said soothingly.
The duo left the schoolhouse, where Raine was still staring at the chalkboard, apparently memorizing the color black, and went to Colette's house. Just as the mayor was summarizing the meeting. What luck.
"Then, we will entrust the protection of the Chosen to Kratos and Raine."
"I don't care, as long as the authors don't make me sleep with her," Kratos said, looking suspiciously at the sky. Suddenly, random lines came out of Colette's head.
"Who invited you two in here? There's a doorbell for a reason!" she yelled at them.
"I brought pot," Lloyd said, tossing a bag to her.
"YAY! You can come in." She looked at Genis. "Did you bring drugs? You're only welcome in my house if you brought drugs."
"Um…no?" Genis said quietly.
"THEN, AS PUNISHMENT, YOU MUST TAKE THE CURSED BOOK OF CRAP YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT AGAIN!" Phaidra shrieked, levitating over the table as her eyes turned red and a black glow came off her body. She came back down into her seat and threw the Collector's Book at his head.
"Say, were you guys talking about the journey of regeneration just now?" Lloyd asked.
"No, we were talking about Cool Ranch Doritos," Kratos said sarcastically.
"Cool Ranch Doritos are amazing!" Lloyd said. "Now I'm hungry. Can I go on the world regeneration journey with you so that I can get some Doritos?"
"If Raine is going, I want to go, too," Genis said, as if somebody actually cared.
"No. You'll get in my way, I'll kill you, and then I'll have to face another double homicide charge, skip bail, and change my name," Kratos said. "I'm not going through that again."
"What are you implying?" Lloyd asked.
"You suck. Go home."
"Kratos is right," the Mayor said. "You certainly do suck. Now, then, we're going to smoke this pot. Go home."
"HEIL HITLER!" Lloyd shouted as he left.
"Please, wait," Colette said when they were outside. Suddenly, she fell on top of Genis, who screamed.
"UNCLEAN!" he shrieked, running in circles as Colette got back up.
"I'm sorry, but you guys just suck too much," she said. "And I really want to see Kratos naked, so I wanna stay on his good side."
"Seriously, I think he's gay," Lloyd said. "And he seems like a blunette guy to me."
"Happy birthday, Colette!" Genis yelled randomly. "I baked some cookies four years ago, and I've been saving them in my pocket for a special moment like this."
"COOKIES! They go perfect with pot! Thanks, Genis!" Colette said, grabbing the cookies that didn't seem to exist and shoving them in her bra for safe keeping.
"Lloyd, you promised to make her a necklace, didn't you?" Genis asked.
"Yeah, um, so, you know Suzy? Yeah, I kind of gave it to her if she promised to-you know what? Never mind. It's almost done."
"Didn't Suzy get the clap?" Colette asked.
"Yeah, and it itches! Geez!" Lloyd scratched his crotch. "Anyway, see you, Colette."
"Didn't Suzy get pregnant, too?" Genis asked, once Colette had gone inside.
"Yeah, but we went on Maury and found out that the baby's father is the hobo in the clown costume who sits outside her house." Lloyd shrugged. "Good thing, too."
"Hey, Lloyd, can I stalk you halfway to your house?" Genis asked.
"Fine, but remember, my dad still has that shotgun, so don't go into the house," Lloyd warned. "Where are you going?"
"To see a friend," Genis answered.
"I didn't know you had a friend."
The two boys went into Genis' house. While there, Lloyd looked at a bookshelf.
"How To Torture Somebody With A Balloon, A Greenday CD, And A Bottle Of Apple Juice," Lloyd read aloud. "Hey, Genis, can I borrow this book?"
"Sure," Genis answered. "Just get it back to me soon."
"Why did we come here again?" Lloyd randomly asked.
"To get bread to make sandwiches."
"How do you make sandwiches with just bread? Doesn't it have to have something else in it?"
"DO NOT QUESTION NAMCO!" Genis yelled.
After the boys ceased questioning Namco and getting bread, they went to the entrance to the city, where two guards were poking Noishe.
"Do you think it's diseased?" one asked.
"Maybe," the other answered. "We should kill it and autopsy it to find out."
"Hey, stop killing my dog!" Lloyd yelled.
"Dude, this is not a dog," a guard said. "Seriously, how many dogs are green and white, have ears the size of an elephant's, and are this big? If I had to take a guess, I'd say it's a horse."
"Whatever it is," the other guard said, "get it out of here. Oh, and the Mayor told me to tell you something."
"The Mayor? Well, that means I don't care," Lloyd said.
"It's about the northwest forest you go through. You know there's a human ranch on the way through, right?"
"Why do your words sound yellow?" Lloyd asked.
"Because you're dumb. Anyway, have you been playing around there?"
"Of course not!" Lloyd said. "I learned my lesson when the Desians stole my clothes, tied me to a tree, and burned me with cigarettes."
"Of course I haven't!" Genis said. "Me, Genis, who has absolutely nothing to hide, is just going out of the village to visit a friend who certainly is not a prisoner in the ranch. Lloyd, can we go? I have to go see that friend now."
"Where's your friend from?" the guard asked.
"Uh…Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa? In the big Victorian house with blue shutters and a red door?" Genis said innocently.
"Uh, okay," the guard said, staring as they left.
Lloyd and Genis went through the Iselia Forest, which had more cliffs than trees. They reached an empty spot, where Noishe got spooked by absolutely nothing whatsoever.
"What's your problem, Noishe? You're such a pussy!" Lloyd yelled as his 'dog' ran away.
They continued through the forest, where tabby cats, worms, and mutant flowers attacked them. Then they got to the Desian ranch, Genis said, "Here's my stop."
"What the hell? I thought you were going to Iowa!" Lloyd said, confused.
"I lied."
"Going to the ranch violates some treaty that I can't recall the name of!"
"Non-aggression treaty, Lloyd," Genis said. "And the Desians already attacked the temple! It's okay for us to go to their ranch!"
"Genis, I think your logic is flawed," Lloyd said. "Anyway, I'm going to go with you."
"Why?"
"Because the Desians might have Cool Ranch Doritos!"
"…Right."
They ran up to the ranch and went to the side, where an old woman stood staring into space.
"Hi, Marble!" Genis said.
"Genis! Is this your friend?" Marble asked, pointing to Lloyd.
"Do you have any Cool Ranch Doritos?" Lloyd asked.
"No, I'm sorry. They took all my Doritos when they locked me in here," Marble said sadly.
"Those bastards!" Lloyd said, punching his fist into his palm. "I'll make them pay for this injustice!"
"Marble, there was an oracle, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! I'm just going to paraphrase what we just went through about fifteen minutes ago!" Genis said. Lloyd began to look at people's hands.
"Hey, is that an Exsphere?" he asked.
"That's, like, the second time you've noticed a rock on someone's hand," Genis said. "Do you have a hand fetish or something?"
"It's not that weird!" Lloyd said defensively. "There's lots of chat rooms for it! Don't judge me!"
"Is this an Exsphere?" Marble asked curiously. "They stapled it to my hand shortly after I came here. It so incredibly painful, I prayed for sweet, merciful death."
"Well, Grams, you might get your wish," Lloyd told her. "Because wearing an Exsphere with no Key Crest means you're more susceptible to swine flu. Have you been to Mexico lately?"
"I went down there in '96 to rob a bank with the Refreshments." She randomly began singing. "Give your ID card to the border guard, yeah, your alias says you're Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United Federation of Planets, 'cause he won't speak English anywaaay!"
"Wow, these authors are really into song lyrics," Genis whispered. "They must really need lives."
Suddenly, Genis was killed by a magical flying unicorn named Tupac.
"Hey, you!" A random Desian approached where Marble stood singing. "Don't butcher that amazing '90s song with your old, human voice! Just for that, we're going to take you in the back and whip you!"
"Bye, Marble, best of luck with that," Lloyd said, dragging Genis, who was magically still alive, and running away.
"Lloyd, we have to help her!" Genis cried. "Think of something!"
"I DON'T THINK, GENIS!" Lloyd said. "Okay, here we go. You, go up on that cliff and distract them by singing a show tune. I'll jump down and run around in circles so they chase me, leaving you free to run away."
"What the hell kind of plan is that?!"
"You told me to think!"
Genis sighed. "Fine, I guess we don't have time to think of anything else."
Thus, the world's most useless plan was carried out. Genis began phase one.
"If you want my gravy," he began singing. "Pepper my Ragu, spice it up for Mama, she'll get hot for you!"
Lloyd jumped down and ran in circles. The Desians, in an effort to get away from Genis' show tune, ran out of the ranch screaming.
"Hey!" one shouted, spying Lloyd. "You're stepping on our grass! Conrad the Gardener worked very hard on that!"
"It looks like ass!" Lloyd said, spitting on the grass. Conrad began to cry.
Suddenly, Genis randomly tripped. Very loudly. And, in a moment of complete airheadedness, he said, "Ouch…"
"Did that bush just speak?" a Desian asked.
"No, it was just a prepubescent little girl!" another one said.
"I'M A BOY!" Genis screamed, going once again into a fit of rage. This time, he picked up Queen Latifah and beat the Desians to death with her.
As he did this, Lloyd jacked his weapons and ran off in the opposite direction with them.
"AHAHAHAHA! Now, maybe you'll get killed by these Desians and I'll never have to see your ugly face again!" Genis didn't notice anything until long after Lloyd was gone, when the only Desians he hadn't killed with Queen Latifah were Forcystus, Conrad, and one lonely, unimportant Desian named Justin, who had been sitting underneath an apple tree at the time, sketching birds and dreaming of the day he would become a famous artist and make his parents proud.
"That was random," Lloyd told the authors. Tupac appeared threateningly above him. "Not that that's a bad thing!" he added nervously. Tupac left, and the authors abruptly ended this chapter.