Siren: Welcome back to another exciting episode of 'Fictional Character Abuse!'

Muse: (whispers in Siren's ear)

Siren: What? This is 'Tales of Satirical Losers'? Same difference.

Muse: Anyway, in this chapter, we have decided to add someone else to the list of abused.

Siren: Don't worry, oh loyal fans. We're still going to beat Genis and Lloyd.

Muse: Disclaimer: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS or any of its characters. We do not own fire, David's BBQ Sunflower Seeds, or conveniently placed trees in the desert.

Siren: You know what? We've only got two steady reviewers. Honestly, guys, if you're going to fav a fic, AT LEAST send us a review. It doesn't have to say anything.

Muse: It can just say, 'hi.'

Siren: It doesn't even have to be a whole word. We just like seeing the little review box in our email. So, you know, review, please!

We re-join our heroes as they are hanging out around a fire. Kratos was staring into the fire, thinking about how best to be antisocial next week. Colette was lighting herself on fire, thinking that water would be nice. Genis was straightening his hair. Raine was digging in the sand, looking for something. And Lloyd was bugging the shit out of all of them, starting with Genis.

"Hey, Lloyd, what did you think of the tofu curry?" Genis asked his friend.

"Well," Lloyd said, "It was terrible. In fact, I vomited over in the bushes by your sleeping bag right after eating it. Because of it, I hope you die a horrible death involving peanuts and Spongebob."

Lloyd, satisfied that soon Genis would be in tears at his insults, turned to Raine.

"Hey, Profess…or." He stared at Raine, who was whispering to a rock.

"What do you want, Lloyd?" she snapped.

"Uh…nothing." He turned to Kratos. "Hi, Kratos."

"Your Exsphere is a strange color," Kratos said.

"Why the hell would you bring that up?" Lloyd asked. "That's the most random thing you've ever said."

"No reason. Just making small talk with you. So, feel like telling me all about your dead parents?" Kratos asked nonchalantly.

"Not really. No offense, but you're kind of a creeper."

"No offense taken," Kratos said.

"Really? Cause, you know, I lied. I really did mean to offend you."

While Kratos went back to staring into space, Lloyd bounced over to Colette. "Hi, Colette!"

"Hi, Lloyd!" Colette said as she finished stopping, dropping, and rolling.

"Oh, yeah, I know your birthday was, like, a week ago, but here you go!" Lloyd handed her a string and a broken piece of plaster.

"What the hell? Lloyd, it's BROKEN. Why would you give me a broken necklace?"

"Oh, dammit. Why do I break everything?!" Lloyd wailed. " Your necklace, my swords, those nuns' skulls…" He sighed. "I'll just have to make you a new one."

Suddenly, Colette let out a hacking cough, spewing phlegm all over Lloyd's shirt. No one noticed.

"Uh…cough, cough?" Colette said.

"DON'T PUSH HER OR YOU SHALL DIE!" Raine roared.

"Yeah, Lloyd," Genis said accusingly. "She's delicate, unlike you."

"Well, sorry I'm not a teenage blonde girl, Genis. What do you want me to do, skip merrily to a meadow and pick flowers to put in your hair? I'm a DUDE. We're not supposed to be delicate." Lloyd pointed at Kratos. "I mean, seriously. Kratos is a deep, brooding, tough guy, and just look at his fanbase! Do you know how many fangirls he has? Huh?"

Lloyd turned around. "Colette?"

"Oh, she went for a walk while you were making fun of Genis," Raine informed him.

Over about ten feet away, where everyone could clearly hear her, Colette started to talk to herself. "What's happening to me?"

"Is that pimple back again?" Lloyd yelled out. "Cause, you know, they do sell acne cream at Triet."

THE NEXT MORNING…

The group headed through the desert to Triet.

"Man, I'm beat," Genis said. "Let's go to the inn."

"Genis, you're going to trip," Raine said, sounding bored.

"I will not!" he yelled. He then ran a few more feet, ran in place for ten seconds, and tripped. Lloyd and Kratos laughed cruelly while Raine ran up to him.

"Whoa!" Genis yelled. "I did not know I was going to trip!"

"You brat! I told you so!" Raine slapped him.

"It's just a scratch! I'm not even bleeding!"

"The sands of Triet are very fine! It could get infected!"

"WHO THE HELL CARES?!" Genis screamed.

"It is likely her love for her brother causes her to act like this," Kratos said.

"No shit!" Lloyd said. A pop up box proclaimed Raine was now 'Sisterly Love'.

"Ew!" Colette cried. "Incest!"

After that little conversation, the group stocked up on gels, bottles, and, of course, pot. They slept for a little at the inn and went on their merry way to the Ossa Trail.

"God…dammit," Lloyd panted. "It's so…hot. Hey, Kratos?" He turned to Kratos, who was kicking an unconscious Genis across the ground. "Uh, what happened to Genis?"

"He collapsed," Kratos said, shrugging. "What is it?"

"Can we, you know, rest for a few seconds?"

"No, you can't. Soon, we'll be out of the desert…"

Everyone cheered.

"…and hiking up a huge mountain!"

"DAMMIT!" Lloyd yelled. "I'm sick of walking! Can't we go buy a car or something?"

Suddenly, there was a loud, thunderous noise. Everyone looked around in confusion to see a cloud of sand heading for them.

"What is that?" Genis asked in awe, somehow not unconscious.

"Is it a sand storm?" Kratos asked.

"A stampede?" Colette suggested.

"DAVID'S BBQ SUNFLOWER SEEDS?!" Lloyd yelled, lighting another joint.

"No, I think its…" Raine stared ahead as the sand cloud began to let loose a humming sound. She gasped. "Oh no! Run, everyone! RABID FANGIRL ATTACK!"

A large group of fangirls ran towards the group, arguing about-you guessed it-Kratos. The group hid quickly behind a group of conveniently placed trees. In the desert. They listened to the fangirls' argument.

"No, bitch, he's mine!"

"Slut!"

"I bore his child!"

"Hey, is that my mom?" Lloyd asked, looking out from behind his tree. Kratos quickly cut the tree down on Lloyd's head.

"Nope, no dead mother here."

They remained hidden in the group of trees. Unfortunately for them, though, fangirls can smell hot guys.

"Wait!" one fangirl stopped the large group of others and sniffed the air. "I smell…"

The others followed suit. Their eyes grew wide as they realized who it was.

"KRATOS!!" They screamed and grabbed Kratos from behind his hiding place of the tree. As they dragged him into the shadows, Kratos' voice was heard.

"No, get off. I said get off! No, don't touch that! I do not bend that way! That doesn't belong-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"

As the sound of ripping cloth was heard, and Kratos' screams of agony died out, a random belt was thrown from the shadows. Lloyd bowed his head in respect as Colette cried into Genis' shoulder. The group continued on, figuring that sooner or later Kratos would come back. Suddenly…

"Stop!"

"Who is it? You aren't a hot, ninja assassin from a parallel world that was created by a madman femboy with a giant glowing purple sword bent on bringing his dead sister back to life, are you?!" Lloyd asked.

"Um…maybe."

"Are you made of chocolate?!" Colette asked.

A hot, ninja assassin jumped out of nowhere. She was not made of chocolate. "Is the Chosen of Mana among you?"

Lloyd, who was distracted by the ninja's lack of a sports bra, answered. "Uh…you're not going to, say, use sexual torture techniques on the Chosen, are you? Because, if you are, I'd be willing to sacrifice myself-"

"Lloyd, shut it!" Raine hissed, smacking his head.

"I'm over here, sexy ninja assassin lady!! A flat-chested, ditzy, blonde target!" Colette yelled, waving her arms wildly.

"Prep-"

"YOU FUCKERS!" Kratos crashed through random bushes and came face to face with the group. Half his clothes had been ripped off, he had claw marks all over his torso, and he was bleeding profusely from where his right nipple would normally be. "You left me to fend for myself against those fangirls?! Do you know what they DID to me?!"

"Gave you chocolate?!" Colette screeched.

"NO THEY DID NOT GIVE ME CHOCOLATE!!!"

"Um, Kratos?" Lloyd asked. "What happened to your nipple?"

"They bit it off!"

"Hey! I'm trying to assassinate someone over here!" Sheena waved.

"OH! Ms. Hot Ninja Assassin!" Lloyd yelled, forgetting about Kratos and his missing nipple.

"Prepare to die, Chosen One!"

"I'm in severe pain over here!" Kratos screamed.

Sheena ran at Colette, ignoring Kratos. Colette tripped over nothing, which lit the match, which heated the tea pot, which produced steam, which made the pinwheel spin, which knocked over the dominoes, which ended up knocking over the knife, which cut the rope, which made the bowling ball fall on Colette's head, which knocked her unconscious, which made her fall over onto a lever, which sent Sheena down the hole.

"What a bunch of confusing assholes we have for authors," Kratos said.

A random wheelchair spontaneously fell out of the sky and landed on his head.

"Well, let's move on," Raine said, sighing as she healed the two members of her group who weren't conscious anymore.

"Hey, you think that lady's still alive?" Lloyd asked, staring into the hole.

"Well," Genis said, walking over, "Assuming her weight to 45 kg-"

"Were we not looking at the same boobs, Genis? 45 kg is 99 pounds. That's probably just in her bra," Lloyd said.

"Anyway, yeah, she's probably still alive."

The group continued up the mountain, battling Frankenstein's flowers, random dudes who liked to wander around aimlessly attacking people, and bitchy kitties. They then went back down the other side of the mountain, where they saw a huge wooden thing that fell down, revealing the end of this chapter.