Siren: Well, I just don't know what to say.
Muse: Uh...hi?
Siren: Sure. Hi.
Muse: ...
Siren: ...
Muse: Okay...Disclaimer: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, so PLEASE DON'T SUE US, NAMCO!
Siren: Nice. Hey, if you guys review, I promise to review you back. Please? Review?
Muse: Did that work for our last fic?
Siren: Actually, yeah. Oh, dammit, I just thought of a great thing to say. It would've been epic. Oh, well. Read on, young man!
Our journey continues as the group of 'epic heroes' goes all the way back to Palmacosta to torture, and possibly murder, Dorr in front of his young daughter.
"You know, when you really think about it," Lloyd said, "We're kind of douchebags. I mean, really?"
"Shut up, Lloyd," Kratos said.
Upon entering the government building, Lloyd and the others discovered that no one was there.
"Hey, lets all head downstairs!" Colette said cheerfully.
"Geez, Colette," Lloyd said, rolling his eyes. "Do you think anyone listens to you? You're like Aeris in Final Fantasy VII: pretty much useless, but a good device for furthering the plot."
"Look, dumbass!" Kratos said, dangling a bag of weed. "Follow me and everything is all right!"
"I'll be the one to tuck you in at night!" Colette chirped.
"Come on over…" Kratos coaxed him, leading him to the stairs.
"Down to the corner, my sisters and my brothers!" Colette sang.
"Come downstairs."
"And say hello!"
"Okay, can someone please shut her up?" Kratos shouted.
"I'm so much cooler online!" Colette said. Kratos growled sexily and stabbed her.
"How can you growl sexily?" Lloyd questioned.
"Get your red-clad dumbass down here!" Kratos said, dragging him down the stairs.
The group arrived just in time to hear an explanation bringing them up to speed with what's going on in Dorr's life.
"Why do we always have the good fortune to come into conversations just as they get to the relevant parts?" Lloyd asked. Kratos sighed.
"Lloyd, just…shut up and smoke your pot."
"No, seriously. I really want to know. Is it just because we're the main protagonists or something?"
"When will my wife return to her original form?" Dorr asked a random Desian.
"Well," he replied, "Magnius is a compulsive liar, and he's completely fucking around with you on this one, so I think never is a safe guess."
"So, if I give you more money, she'll get better?"
"Sure, why the hell not?" Then the Desian left. Just like that. Didn't even have to pass Lloyd and co. on his way out.
"Wow," Lloyd said admiringly. "Did that guy just walk off screen to leave the room? I wish I had that power."
"AHH! Creeps!" Dorr screamed, turning around and slapping Lloyd's face.
"Jesus! What the hell, dude?!" Lloyd rubbed his face. "I think you broke my nose."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I saw a ghost."
"Oh, fuck you, man. That was soooo supposed to be my line," Lloyd said angrily. "Now, I'm totally gonna have to kick Genis' ass."
"WHY ME??!!" Genis cried.
"Why are you people here? Where's Neil?" Dorr asked.
"Alzheimer's," Lloyd whispered to Kratos.
"I'm afraid Neil's not here," Raine said coolly, kind of like that real bitchy, unforgiving, disappointed-in-love-and-life, lawyer from Law & Order: SVU. You know the one.
"So…" Dorr said. There was a fifty second pause.
"So…?" Kratos said, waving for him to go on.
"Neil betrayed me!" he finished dramatically.
"How'd you get that from the fact that he's not here?" Lloyd asked. "I mean, for all you really know, we could've just walked in to find no one here, gone downstairs, and found you talking to some guy about your wife. Really, you're just kind of filling in the blanks here. By the way, what's up with your wife? Has she been taken hostage or something? Keep in mind that we really don't give a rat's ass."
"Hostage? Don't make me laugh!" Dorr said.
"Right…because I was just about to crack some jokes here." Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Hey, Kratos, knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Dorr's kidnapped wife."
"Dorr's kidnapped wife who?"
"…Not cool, Kratos, you weren't supposed to continue the joke. That's just a dickish thing to do."
"Then why'd you start it?"
"If you want to see my wife…" Dorr said, allowing for another dramatic pause as he walked across the goddamned room. You'd think they would've had him closer or something. I mean, he just looked like a horse's ass by walking across the room to rip off the conveniently placed sheet over the jail cell.
"She's right here!" In the jail cell was Clara, who we all know is a green monster thing.
"Gasp!" Kratos said very OOC-ish.
"Look at Namco's obvious attempt at subtle foreshadowing!" Genis cried.
"She's crying…she's crying out for a burger," Colette said sadly. "Oh, wait, that's pain. Crying out in pain."
"I will now tell you my life story!" Dorr said. The entire party groaned.
"Absurd!" Kilia cried.
"What now?" Lloyd said, as Kilia pulled out a knife. "Kratos! Don't pull your pants down! My experience with chicks with knives tells me NOT TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN!" Kilia stabbed Dorr, making Lloyd relax. "Oh, never mind, its all good."
"I did not want to listen to that bastard blather on and on about his wife, his dead father, the Desians, and how much his life sucks. Because mine doesn't? Look at me, I'm a purple thing with goat horns sticking out the side of my head! Oh, by the way, I'm a villain, so I'll be killing you now."
And so, the battle engaged. Genis was tortured by his sister throughout the entire battle by being speared with her staff, brought back to life, then speared again. Kratos took a few minutes to video tape said torture while Lloyd got his ass handed to him by Kilia.
"Kratos!" he screamed. "Stop screwing around with the video camera and help me!"
After Kratos kicked ass, they watched while Kilia crawled slowly to the cage and released Clara. And I guess nobody thought to stop her. Colette stood in front of Clara. "Stop!" Clara did the same plothole through the wall thing that Desian did before.
"That's all it took?" Lloyd asked. "We could've saved so much time and energy if we had known that just saying 'stop' made monsters go away."
"Is…Kilia…safe?" Dorr asked, hacking up bloody lungs.
"No. No, she's dead. And you totally missed it, Father of the Year. Listen, you wanna give me the passcode for Magnius' ranch?" Lloyd said.
"You're…an asshole…" Dorr coughed up some more tissue.
"Yeah, well, at least I didn't neglect my daughter enough to not notice she was replaced by a demon-goat thing. Good job."
"Ugh…I'm…dying…"
"So, by the time I finish this sentence, you'll probably be dead, right?"
"I hope…you…burn…in the fiery…depths…of Satan's…anus…" Dorr sputtered before dying.
"Sorry, didn't catch that, can you repeat yourself?" Lloyd asked, cupping a hand to his ear. "Oh, wait, you can't, you're dead. Kinda like your daughter."
And so, like Dorr, this chapter has come to its end. Except, we can probably tell when our daughter's really an evil lookalike.