Siren: Whoa, two updates in less than twelve hours.
Muse: We're on a roll. Of course, this is terribly rushed.
Siren: Whatever. We've kind of been neglecting this fic.
Muse: Disclaimer!
(poof) Edward Elric: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, Twilight, or FMA.
Siren: (tackles)
Edward: (screams)
Siren: Muse! Pin his arms down while I unlock the basement door!
Muse: Um...since Siren's a little busy...
Edward: Someone, call the police!
Siren: Get back here, you sexy midget!
Muse: Review please.
We rejoin our heroes as they go back to Magnius' ranch. Upon reaching their destination, they see Neil.
"Yo! Neil, we killed Dorr. And Kilia," Lloyd said, striding up.
"Seriously?!" Neil said. "That's kind of extreme. Couldn't you have just, you know, tortured him or something? And why his daughter?! You people are terrible heroes, you know that?"
"Well, someone at Namco thinks we're fine and dandy heroes," Lloyd said.
Meanwhile, someone at Namco was fired because of a casting error.
"So, we're gonna head on inside. By the way, you're coming with us," Kratos said.
"Why?" Neil asked, being bound, gagged, and dragged into the ranch with them.
"Because we need a human shield and a plot device."
The group and Neil went inside the ranch and were immediately attacked by several extremely fast ninja-Desians.
"Holy shit!" Lloyd said, trying to kill a Desian and accidently stabbing himself.
After more random battles, the group stumbled upon a device to change the Sorcerer's Ring. This would make a good opportunity to rip on Harry Potter, but it's been done already. Twice.
"Whoa," Lloyd said, messing around with the Ring. "I knew I shouldn't have smoked all that pot before coming here. Now everything's green. Look, a flying pot plant that speaks with a Russian accent! Come here, little babushka."
"Did he just call that pot plant his grandmother?" Genis asked.
"Moving on," Kratos said, beating Lloyd over the head with a tripod and taking him into the next room. Once there, the group discovered a room filled with jail cells and prisoners, so they figured now would be great time to ditch Neil.
After a long and pointless trap involving transporters, green radar rings, key cards, invisible blocks, Lloyd's non-functioning brain, and about fifty floors, they reached a floor with a cut scene. Wow, the authors managed to take a twenty-minute chunk of the game and condense it into one sentence.
"Lloyd, look!" Genis cried, pointing.
"I hate you, Genis!" Lloyd cried back, throwing him at the guards and freeing Chocolat.
"You came to rescue me!" Chocolat cried, throwing herself into Kratos' unwilling arms.
"Slut!" Colette sneezed.
"Dorr decided to rescue us all, didn't he?" Chocolat asked.
"No. Turns out, he was a complete douchebag, so we murdered him. And his young daughter. But don't worry, she was really an evil goat demon in disguise," Lloyd told her. She blinked.
"Back there is a room full of sparkly things," Chocolat said, pointing.
"SPARKLE!" Lloyd and Colette both took off in the direction of said sparkly objects.
However, once inside the room, they did not find sparkly objects. They happened to find Magnius.
"Tell Kvar he is not invited to the sleepover!" he was shouting into the phone. "I know he's on Team Jacob, and I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT! What? Oh, of course I saw New Moon! I know, Robert Pattinson is SO hot!"
"Robert Pattinson looks like a stoned ferret," Lloyd grumbled. "And Twilight gets way too much hype."
"And every time Forcystus shows up, someone always ends up with his hand down their pants, and it's getting old." Magnius turned around and spotted our heroes. "Holy shit, you're here already? I gotta go. TTFN, BFF, I'll see you tonight, girlfriend." He hung up the phone. "Vermin!"
"Gayest conversation ever," Lloyd snickered.
"You vermin are forsaken!"
"For-saken?" Kratos said.
"Oh, no, some of Lloyd's stupid has leaked into Kratos brain!" Raine cried. "He's now bad at foreshadowing!"
"No, he was always like that," Genis said.
"Magnius, you're the one that's forsaken," Lloyd predictably said.
Suddenly, six Desians came at them from both sides and…stood there.
"Oh, no, we're surrounded by a half a dozen incredibly weak enemies and a gay body-builder with bright red dreadlocks!" Colette said. "Whatever will we do?"
"I know your every move," Magnius said. "I've been watching you."
"That's…a little creepy, I'm not gonna lie," Lloyd said. A screen popped up revealing…
"MY EYES! ARGH!" Lloyd grabbed Genis and threw him at the screen as Robert Pattinson appeared, using bad video editing to make him look like he's running fast.
"How dare you insult Edward Cullen by throwing this tiny girl-child at him!" Magnius yelled. Genis screamed and began to rip his eyes out.
Kratos sighed and pulled Genis off. "Can we hurry up the plot a little? I have to go to the bathroom."
"Don't think about Niagara Falls," Lloyd warned.
"You people killed Marble!" Magnius said.
"What?" Chocolat gasped.
"Yeah, I killed your grandma, suck it up," Lloyd said. "She was eighty going on dead anyway. I gave her a week, tops."
"You killed my grandma?" Chocolat cried. "No! I'm going to be a stubborn, stupid bitch and NOT LET YOU RESCUE ME!!"
"That's cool, we were gonna leave you here anyway," Lloyd said, shrugging.
After Chocolat was taken away and the group kicked someone else's ass, Magnius finally got pissed.
"I will kill you!" he screamed, getting off his amazing floating chair to face them.
The boss battle ensued. Magnius pulled a giant battle axe out of nowhere and started to chop at them. Genis decided to show off and tried to cast a spell, but it failed because God hates him. Colette threw her weapon at Magnius, but it was promptly chucked back at her, mortally injuring her. Nobody cared, however. Lloyd started blindly hacking away at Magnius and succeeded at doing…a whole lot of nothing. Raine sat off to the side, reading a yaoi magazine she found in Magnius' things and muttering something about a broomstick not being able to fit. Finally, Kratos killed him by kicking him in the head.
"How was I defeated by a brain-dead stoner, a femboy, a ditzy blonde, an apathetic bitch, and a pompous douchebag?" he cried.
"Wow, what a long dying monologue. I think it was a little excessive," Lloyd said.
"Well, now that that's over with," Raine said, tossing aside the yaoi and pressing some buttons. "It's time to blow this place up."
"I think that makes perfect sense," Lloyd said.
As the group left, Magnius stumbled over to the communicator. "I must inform Forcystus while I can!"
Rodyle popped up. "I have a problem with you contacting Forcystus. I could explain it in intricate detail, but I have better things to do. Like steal your copy of Twilight and your yaoi collection."
"You bastard!" Magnius cried. Then he died.
Outside, the group ran away from the ranch as the camera changed to show it blowing up. Mario-style. Then the authors ended the chapter. Not-so-Mario-style.